Is someone better than no-one?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Basically in a nutshell am so tired of being alone. I guess I am looking to vent and also to hear from others who may be in the same boat. I am 30s female and single. My last relationship was about 6 months ago. Though I knew there we were somewhat incompatible there was some closeness and nice stuff too. I expressed some doubt to the guy and he dumped me. It was kind of a shock. I thought he would want to work things out. My confidence took a hit and I made some bad choices in terms of dates I went on. tried online dating which just wasn;t for me.

I am attractive and sociable. I get invited to a lot of things despite most of my friends being coupled up or settled. I am just finding being on my own all the time getting to me. I am very independent and like my own space so have never before had a problem being single. Now I find that when I am arriving or leaving an event alone - I get really sad and empty. Went to a wedding alone last month where I didn;t know too many people there. It was an effort constantly trying to find someone to talk to etc. I often get frosty receptions from girlfriends of guys who might chat to me or whatever so am conscious that I don;t want to come across the wrong way like I am out to steal someone;s man. Not me at all. People make patronising comments or say things like I can;t understand why someone like you is single blah blah blah. The last time I was at a bar I started chatting to a guy when getting drinks and he said "am married" like I was some despardo - was just trying to be friendly and approachable.

I find weekends and holidays the worst. I miss my ex so much and now think I should not have expressed my doubts and maybe we would still be together and I wouldn't feel so alone.

Any input please. Thank you.

dellas1979

The answer to your thread title is "Good God no".

You'd prefer to be with someone/in a relationship for company? That isnt really a right/good reason to be in a relationship. I dont think youre happy with yourself.

If you can be happy on your own, you wont want to settle. You'll only want the best for yourself, what ever and how ever long that takes.

You should look into how to be happy on your own.

Idle Passerby

No, someone is not better than no one.

You're only missing your ex now because your not liking being single but anyone whose reaction to some difficulties being broached is to dump and run would not have what it takes to be a decent partner.

Its disheartening to be painted by people as the poor single spinster but don't let their smug-marriedness or whatever rub off on you. Its far better to be by yourself and open to meeting someone than stuck with someone your unhappy with.

Your friendliness may be being interpreted as flirting by the men you chat to. Most people wouldn't be so arrogant to assume they're being chatted up to feel the need to announce that their married straight off the bat and secure girlfriends wouldn't be throwing dirty looks just because their boyfriend is talking to someone at a social gathering. So maybe your coming across a bit full on?

CarMe

Oh what a horrible response from that married man! If I thought my partner spoke to somebody like that for making conversation I would be horrified!
As for the women at weddings reacting to you frostily because their friendly husbands had a chat with you- you have to remind yourself how miserably insecure they must be in their "happy marriages"

To answer your question though, absolutely not. It's very lonely being in the wrong company, even just women on a totally different wavelength not just men you know?
I have no doubt you'll find the right man for you but until then do things you enjoy and continue being your friendly self because the only people that don't like happy people are miserable people

cafecolour

Yeah, I second/third/fourth - absolutely not.

Standard make new friends advice - join some organizations/societies/sports that interest you, etc. Really, make some new single, maybe younger friends (or recently separated friends), for some activities, keep close to your coupled friends for other activities.

curlzy

Fifth it. NO, somone is not better than no-one. You're probably just feeling a little down at the moment and that's why your brain is going there. You sounds smart, sure you know yourself that you shouldn't be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. Just give it time op and enjoy spending time with yourself until you find the right guy.

Buncha Fives

questionpls wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Basically in a nutshell am so tired of being alone. I guess I am looking to vent and also to hear from others who may be in the same boat. I am 30s female and single. My last relationship was about 6 months ago. Though I knew there we were somewhat incompatible there was some closeness and nice stuff too. I expressed some doubt to the guy and he dumped me. It was kind of a shock. I thought he would want to work things out. My confidence took a hit and I made some bad choices in terms of dates I went on. tried online dating which just wasn;t for me.

I am attractive and sociable. I get invited to a lot of things despite most of my friends being coupled up or settled. I am just finding being on my own all the time getting to me. I am very independent and like my own space so have never before had a problem being single. Now I find that when I am arriving or leaving an event alone - I get really sad and empty. Went to a wedding alone last month where I didn;t know too many people there. It was an effort constantly trying to find someone to talk to etc. I often get frosty receptions from girlfriends of guys who might chat to me or whatever so am conscious that I don;t want to come across the wrong way like I am out to steal someone;s man. Not me at all. People make patronising comments or say things like I can;t understand why someone like you is single blah blah blah. The last time I was at a bar I started chatting to a guy when getting drinks and he said "am married" like I was some despardo - was just trying to be friendly and approachable.

I find weekends and holidays the worst. I miss my ex so much and now think I should not have expressed my doubts and maybe we would still be together and I wouldn't feel so alone.

Any input please. Thank you.

Sometimes I read stuff on boards that is a carbon copy of the situation I find myself in... broke up with my ex GF out of the blue earlier in the year; quite similar situation where I tried to discuss a couple of concerns I had but she totally over reacted and that was that. I have been told 100 times "im better off without" and all that, but the lonliness since has been a killer and to make a bad situation worse there was never a worse time for me to be single.

Im over 30, tall and considered handsome (not in a big headed way) and would be outgoing, I got invited to 7 weddings this year, I declined two of the invites because I couldn't bare having to go on my own. At the other weddings I was haunted with people asking me why I on my own and trying to set me up with girls that were single and some of the weddings I didn't enjoy at all, at others I got quite drunk.

I have tried really hard to find someone but it hasn't happened for me yet, I sometimes wonder is it me because I have met a lot of really nice girls but none of them really caught my attention but I couldn't settle for someone who I wasn't very happy with because eventually it would wear me down and the relationship would end... you just have to be hopeful that what is for you wont pass you by, that my motto anyway!! I keep myself busy as much as possible and try and lucky enough I have a lot of friends who stand into me.

LegacyUser

No. You better off being on your own rather than being with someone you don't like, fancy or are using until someone better comes along. I know it is hard in your 30's or early 40's to be single when everyone else seems to be in a couple/married/ have children.
A few months ago some one I know started a relationship with this man who she knew for a while. It was very much a case that someone is better than no-one.
She wasted months of her life with the wrong man where if she stayed single she would have been in a position to meet someone who wanted the same things in life as she did.
I would take the advice on a previous posting and get involved with new groups or organisations which will help you make more friends.
I believe that you have to be happy in yourself and with your own life to meet someone.
Most people want to meet someone who wants the same as them and not someone who is very clingy. No one wants to feel that they are being used until something better comes along.

Fantacoke

questionpls wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Basically in a nutshell am so tired of being alone. I guess I am looking to vent and also to hear from others who may be in the same boat. I am 30s female and single. My last relationship was about 6 months ago. Though I knew there we were somewhat incompatible there was some closeness and nice stuff too. I expressed some doubt to the guy and he dumped me. It was kind of a shock. I thought he would want to work things out. My confidence took a hit and I made some bad choices in terms of dates I went on. tried online dating which just wasn;t for me.

I am attractive and sociable. I get invited to a lot of things despite most of my friends being coupled up or settled. I am just finding being on my own all the time getting to me. I am very independent and like my own space so have never before had a problem being single. Now I find that when I am arriving or leaving an event alone - I get really sad and empty. Went to a wedding alone last month where I didn;t know too many people there. It was an effort constantly trying to find someone to talk to etc. I often get frosty receptions from girlfriends of guys who might chat to me or whatever so am conscious that I don;t want to come across the wrong way like I am out to steal someone;s man. Not me at all. People make patronising comments or say things like I can;t understand why someone like you is single blah blah blah. The last time I was at a bar I started chatting to a guy when getting drinks and he said "am married" like I was some despardo - was just trying to be friendly and approachable.

I find weekends and holidays the worst. I miss my ex so much and now think I should not have expressed my doubts and maybe we would still be together and I wouldn't feel so alone.

Any input please. Thank you.

There are married couples together for forty years who feel lonely.
Get out and do interesting things.
Fill up your life with fun, friends, passion.
Then you'll find you won't be lonely and you will be much more likely to meet someone and have a relationship ...
Good luck

Fantacoke

questionpls wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Basically in a nutshell am so tired of being alone. I guess I am looking to vent and also to hear from others who may be in the same boat. I am 30s female and single. My last relationship was about 6 months ago. Though I knew there we were somewhat incompatible there was some closeness and nice stuff too. I expressed some doubt to the guy and he dumped me. It was kind of a shock. I thought he would want to work things out. My confidence took a hit and I made some bad choices in terms of dates I went on. tried online dating which just wasn;t for me.

I am attractive and sociable. I get invited to a lot of things despite most of my friends being coupled up or settled. I am just finding being on my own all the time getting to me. I am very independent and like my own space so have never before had a problem being single. Now I find that when I am arriving or leaving an event alone - I get really sad and empty. Went to a wedding alone last month where I didn;t know too many people there. It was an effort constantly trying to find someone to talk to etc. I often get frosty receptions from girlfriends of guys who might chat to me or whatever so am conscious that I don;t want to come across the wrong way like I am out to steal someone;s man. Not me at all. People make patronising comments or say things like I can;t understand why someone like you is single blah blah blah. The last time I was at a bar I started chatting to a guy when getting drinks and he said "am married" like I was some despardo - was just trying to be friendly and approachable.

I find weekends and holidays the worst. I miss my ex so much and now think I should not have expressed my doubts and maybe we would still be together and I wouldn't feel so alone.

Any input please. Thank you.

There are married couples together for forty years who feel lonely.
Get out and do interesting things.
Fill up your life with fun, friends, passion.
Then you'll find you won't be lonely and you will be much more likely to meet someone and have a relationship ...
Good luck

Oh yeah.., as for going alone to weddings? Change your thinking on that one... Your going to a party and you're single you never know who you could meet.
Ignore the rudeness of some people and laugh it off with a "at least I'm not chained to your wife" lol and have a laugh ...
Life's short. Enjoy every minute, the best person to love is you

WaltKowalski

fab lady wrote: »

No. You better off being on your own rather than being with someone you don't like, fancy or are using until someone better comes along.

I'm not so sure about that.

I wonder are all the negative respondents in relationships?

Just because you don't love someone, doesn't mean you don't like them, can't be happy, sexually satisfied, or most importantly, not lonely.

Is loveless contentment better than loveless loneliness?

Gerry T

Don't compromise, not a good start. 30's is still very young - at either end ! Being single why not fill what spare time you have with things you havent yet done, join that tennis club or take up golf or hiking - what ever it is you would like to try that you have been promising yourself you would. I think thats a far better way to meet new people, especially when your not looking ! you might just find that spark your looking for. You wont find it if you dont broaden your social circle and I'm not a fan of the pub or club thing for finding that someone special.

LegacyUser

It's very easy to say 'Don't compromise and wait until you get what you are looking for'. When you are a long time single, however, no matter what kind of social life you have and now matter how positive you are, life can still feel extremely lonely in your thirties. Only those who have been single for a few years in their thirties know what I am talking about.

I would say that sometimes it is better to be with a partner than not to be with one, even if the situation isn't exactly as you would like it. It depends on the person. Some people are happy enough without a partner. Others, like me, are much happier with a partner, even a partner with shortcomings.

Single at the moment, but hopefully not for long...

Like WaltKowalski I would love to know how many of the people who responded are in relationships. I have done all the 'go out and meet people / start up a new hobby / do the stuff you wanted to do / put a smile on your face' thing! It only works for a while to fill in that void of not having a partner to share your life with.

WaltKowalski

There's a lot to be said for friendship and respect.

seeker11

I think the grass is greener at the other side. If you are in an unhappy relationship then you think it would be great to be free of them and when you are single it would be just lovely to have someone to share things with.
You can have a great life in your thirties but being single can be so so lonely at times.

LegacyUser

One of the many problems with "settling" is the damage you do to the other person when someone you really do want to be with comes along.

Love, while personally satisfying, is beautiful because of its concern for and commitment to the other person.

People who settle are using their partner just to meet their own needs and the relationships are fundamentally selfish.

If you decide to settle you better be willing to stick with it if you want to maintain integrity.

I'd rather be single for my entire life than be with someone I wasn't in love with.

squonk

This is an interesting thread! I definitely think that being very happy single beats compromising in a relationship you're not getting everything you want from.

I'm in my 30's and am quite happily single. I think I found it more of a drag being single in my 20's for some reason. At this point in my life I've picked up a few dings and am happy with myself and know my strengths and weaknesses and what I can live with and what I can't. I'm happy in my own company and while I can see, and occasionally think, that it might be great to have somebody to share things with, it's not something I actually need.

Relationships are great when they work but a lot of work has to go into them as well. You really have to be sure that the person you're investing time and effort with in a relationship is going to provide you with things that you wouldn't get being without them.

I think if you have a need for relationships you'll wind up in them, either as flings or short or longer term arrangements. I think if you're happy with yourself and happy being single, it makes you far more picky about who you decide to start a relationship with.

While I know many very happy couples, it's not all been plain sailing for them all. Everybody has their ups and downs and when you're alone, it can be just yourself that you need to pick up, rather than having to pick your partner up along with you. On the flip side, you need to be a good source of support for yourself first and foremost as you don't have another half there to support you.

At the end of the day, you have to be a strong independent person to do long term singledom but I've never really seen it as a burden or something that's lacking in my life. In the cases where somebody has come along out of the blue, it's been great but when things do go wrong you have quite a wealth of strength to pull from to get back on your feet.

At the end of the day there isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as it depends on the individual and their needs. What suits me is likely a living hell for somebody else. Maybe I'll meet the right person some day and that's good, but maybe I won't but, right now, I'm not too put out that I haven't.

silenceisfoo

You need to get out and live some of your life.
Swear to you I would rather be sitting in a house with a puppy and a fish and a smile on my face than looking at some fool across the table for 40 years wondering what the hell they are doing there.
You had a break up, things are bad. Take 2 weeks to dwell on it, then pack all his stuff up and forget it because while you are off thinking about what might have been or could have everybody else is off living there lives.
And finally, delete his number. Texting your ex is so bad. Write the number down on a piece of paper and leave it somewhere but delete it from your phone. You do not want to be that woman who won't let go. It won't be intentional but at some point you may text. If you want to contact wait at least 24 hours to think it over.
Move on.

FrogMarch

OP - when you say you 'expressed some doubt' - what doubt(s) did you express exactly? Because, particularly in your 30's, something like "I'm not sure that this long distance relationship can survive in the long run" is very, very different to "I just don't know if I'm that into you" type of thing. The former being a legitimate doubt. The latter being an instant relationship killer if the other person has any self respect whatsoever.

Anyway, just to agree with nearly everyone else on the thread - no, being with the wrong person or 'settling' is never better than being single.

You should also be aware that most guys, by the time they hit their 30's and apart from the most inexperienced or desperate men, will be able to see right through you if you're 'settling' for them. So don't bother as it'll rarely end well.

therealme

OP, life is short, enjoy it and NEVER settle for something or somebody that doesn't make you 100% happy! You know when it is "right".
I'm single, early 30's, work hard and far from "settling"! Honestly, I think I'm a bit too selfish for a relationship/commitment - don't see that changing anytime soon!
I do hate attending weddings etc. alone & being asked why you are not in a relationship/married/whisked away years ago - I just reply, no man can keep me in the lifestyle I live - that stops any further questions
What will be, will be - soo many people in "happy" relationships cheat/break up - some are not always quite as happy as you think! Grass isn't always greener. Best of luck

WaltKowalski

therealme wrote: »

OP, life is short, enjoy it and NEVER settle for something or somebody that doesn't make you 100% happy!

So it's ok to be completey unhappy alone, but not maybe 90% happy in a relationship?

Happy is happy.

JustAThought

WaltKowalski wrote: »

So it's ok to be completey unhappy alone, but not maybe 90% happy in a relationship?

Happy is happy.

Theres a difference - a relationship is rarely all whizz-bang fantastic all the time -there are ups & downs + usually some trade off s to be made. I think what the OP intends is a relationship which is continouosly or fundamentally flawed or deeply apothetic or unhappy, and/ or loveless.
And no. I also dont think that " this" is worth having, even if the trade- off is that you are lonely while you are waiting for love.

Love, and all the laughter and happiness + shared memories and happy days that being in a good , mutually felt relationship is worth waiting for.
Even if the time invested in looking can be sometimes lo.ely, or peppered with jealousy, caution or thoughtlessness.

Hold in there. Its worth the wait, the gamble + all the bittersweet

LegacyUser

Having read , in one of the national papers yesterday, one womans experience of living the post Sex and the city lifestyle. She was talking about her single life in her 20's and 30's and all the nice men she met who were not perfect and who she passed on.. she is now in her 40's and, like a lot of her friends, is single. She appears to regret her choices and definitely regrets not giving the nice guys a chance.

My long winded point is that I dont think its always better to be single than in a loving relationship. Are you looking for mr perfect i.e. tick 50 impossible boxes or for a partner? i think, if you dont want to possibly live alone for the rest of your days then it may be the time to give a non-perfect guy a chance. Good luck Op

therealme

WaltKowalski wrote: »

So it's ok to be completey unhappy alone, but not maybe 90% happy in a relationship?

Happy is happy.

Personally, if I am not happy alone, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship! Relationships are never 100% happy all of the time - but the OP questions about being in a relationship pretty much "for the sake of it" - I dont think that would do the OP or partner any favours in the longrun and think that you should be with somebody because you really want to be!

Lux23

Dissenting voice! wrote: »

It's very easy to say 'Don't compromise and wait until you get what you are looking for'. When you are a long time single, however, no matter what kind of social life you have and now matter how positive you are, life can still feel extremely lonely in your thirties. Only those who have been single for a few years in their thirties know what I am talking about.

I would say that sometimes it is better to be with a partner than not to be with one, even if the situation isn't exactly as you would like it. It depends on the person. Some people are happy enough without a partner. Others, like me, are much happier with a partner, even a partner with shortcomings.

Single at the moment, but hopefully not for long...

Like WaltKowalski I would love to know how many of the people who responded are in relationships. I have done all the 'go out and meet people / start up a new hobby / do the stuff you wanted to do / put a smile on your face' thing! It only works for a while to fill in that void of not having a partner to share your life with.

I agree to a certain extent especially as so many people are in relationships just so they aren't alone.

I am seeing someone now and I know in my heart that he probably won't be the right man for me but I am enjoying the companionship and spending time with him so what's the harm?

LegacyUser

The answer I'd give you in my early thirties is different to what I'd give you now that I'm pushing forty. Now that I'm the age I am, singledom's starting to get me down. I'm happy enough with my own company but it's not enough any more. I used to think that some day I'd meet someone and everything'd sort itself out. It didn't happen so here I am . Single, childless, on the shelf. Lonely. My friends are mostly parents now and understandably don't have the time they used to. I think if I met someone now who I liked well enough, even if he wasn't the love of my life, I'd settle. I'm looking into the abyss and realise I've missed the boat. I should've tried harder to meet someone when I had the chance. It's too late now.

FrogMarch

Lux23 wrote: »

so what's the harm?

Perhaps the harm is that he will fall in love with you and you're leading him on, knowing that there isn't a future for the two of you because you want something 'better'. If he's aware that you feel the way you do and he's okay with it, then that's okay I suppose.

WaltKowalski

FrogMarch wrote: »

Perhaps the harm is that he will fall in love with you and you're leading him on, knowing that there isn't a future for the two of you because you want something 'better'. If he's aware that you feel the way you do and he's okay with it, then that's okay I suppose.

Well the way I see it is that you've make a decision, and you stick by it.

seenitall

pippilongstockinggg wrote: »

The answer I'd give you in my early thirties is different to what I'd give you now that I'm pushing forty. Now that I'm the age I am, singledom's starting to get me down. I'm happy enough with my own company but it's not enough any more. I used to think that some day I'd meet someone and everything'd sort itself out. It didn't happen so here I am . Single, childless, on the shelf. Lonely. My friends are mostly parents now and understandably don't have the time they used to. I think if I met someone now who I liked well enough, even if he wasn't the love of my life, I'd settle. I'm looking into the abyss and realise I've missed the boat. I should've tried harder to meet someone when I had the chance. It's too late now.

Hi OP,

I'm also single and pushing forty so I just want to counter the above (IMO, incredibly unhealthy) perspective to you.

Settling isn't the answer. I used to feel very, very lonely, so lonely that I went into some horrible relationships against my better judgment and also, I settled as well. I went into one relationship in particular where I knew the guy was a nice, giving, caring guy, but seeing him never made me feel alive or special or in love, ever. What a big mistake that relationship was, and what a waste of time for both of us.

I believe everyone needs passion and butterflies when they are intimate with another person, and I believe deep down everyone knows when they are short-changing and fooling themselves, let alone the other person. Companionship is something you can have with a friend, OP, passion and giddiness is what you should have with a man - you know it.

If you want to feel suffocated and smothered and trapped in a relationship, I'll tell you the fastest way to get there: settle for a man who doesn't float your boat.

Settle for someone who doesn't rock your world and before long you will have turned into an irritable btch and your nice boyfriend will have turned into a suspicious worrywart.

You can trust me on this, OP, or you can try it out for yourself. I know for myself I am NEVER ever repeating that experience again. Even the loneliness is preferable by a mile!

Emme

pippilongstockinggg wrote: »

The answer I'd give you in my early thirties is different to what I'd give you now that I'm pushing forty. Now that I'm the age I am, singledom's starting to get me down. I'm happy enough with my own company but it's not enough any more. I used to think that some day I'd meet someone and everything'd sort itself out. It didn't happen so here I am . Single, childless, on the shelf. Lonely. My friends are mostly parents now and understandably don't have the time they used to. I think if I met someone now who I liked well enough, even if he wasn't the love of my life, I'd settle. I'm looking into the abyss and realise I've missed the boat. I should've tried harder to meet someone when I had the chance. It's too late now.

It isn't too late because there's nothing wrong with settling. Find somebody who get on with, who can be your best friend and maybe a spark will grow with time. Maybe it won't. Even so it's better than being alone for the rest of your life. I was single for most of my 30s because of work and study commitments and probably didn't try hard enough to meet someone. Or maybe I was just unlucky and didn't find anyone who wanted me. People that say you shouldn't settle are being idealistic. If you find somebody who's 70% right and they want to be with you grab them!

None of us are perfect and I wouldn't be so arrogant as to assume that I would meet somebody's requirements 100%. Especially now that I'm 41. If I'm lucky enough to find somebody who fits my requirements 70% I'd be happy, I'd even consider somebody who's 60% there. I wouldn't settle for anyone who's less than 60% right.

Nothing in life is perfect - we have to be pragmatic and those who are willing to adapt and compromise are often happier than the idealists.

Again, there's nothing wrong with settling so if you're with someone who you like give it a shot even if it's not picture perfect.

Emme

WaltKowalski wrote: »

There's a lot to be said for friendship and respect.

This is very true. You can have incredible passion and sparks flying with somebody but if they don't respect you it means nothing. Better to have fewer sparks but more trust, respect and most importantly friendship.

FrogMarch

Emme wrote: »

It isn't too late because there's nothing wrong with settling.

Personally, I disagree. If you 'settle' for a man, he'll know you're settling for him. Men know when there's a genuine romantic spark there; it's not just a female instinct. If a man sticks around in a relationship without that spark, then he's settling for you too. Either that, or he is inexperienced, has no self-esteem, etc.

If both parties are happy to settle, then more power to them.

For me - I would never settle. Then again, I don't have a checklist of requirements and I spend a while getting to know someone before I decide whether to pursue a relationship with them. Whether the spark is there or not.

Emme wrote: »

If I'm lucky enough to find somebody who fits my requirements 70% I'd be happy, I'd even consider somebody who's 60% there. I wouldn't settle for anyone who's less than 60% right.

If you're marking potential partners, giving them a % score, you're probably missing the entire point of relationships.

Emme

FrogMarch wrote: »

Personally, I disagree. If you 'settle' for a man, he'll know you're settling for him. Men know when there's a genuine romantic spark there; it's not just a female instinct. If a man sticks around in a relationship without that spark, then he's settling for you too. Either that, or he is inexperienced, has no self-esteem, etc.

The spark might be there for the man but not for the woman. Women are more pragmatic in relationships and are usually the ones who settle. A friend's grandmother said to her to marry a man who loved her more than she loved him. I thought it was ludicrous at the time but I see her point now. If a woman is lucky enough to find a man who genuinely cares for her and she likes him then it's great. If the spark is on his side but not hers no big deal as long as she's willing to commit to him and maybe a spark will grow for her in time. If not then she has a good partner who cares for her.

FrogMarch wrote: »

If both parties are happy to settle, then more power to them.

Sometimes it's a matter of making the most of what's out there. When I was a child a couple married in their 50s or 60s. She had come come home from a nursing job in London with some money and he was a farmer who nursed his parents and didn't get the chance to marry until he was older. I don't know if there was a great spark there, it's more likely that they were both making the most of their options and they had realistic expectations of each other. For example, she was too old to have children and he was "careful" with money. However they were very happy and their marriage lasted until the husband died about 20 years later. Longer than many marriages today where both partners start out with a "spark" and high expectations.

FrogMarch wrote: »

For me - I would never settle. Then again, I don't have a checklist of requirements and I spend a while getting to know someone before I decide whether to pursue a relationship with them. Whether the spark is there or not.

How old are you? Under 35 or under 40? Are you male or female? Men are less likely to settle than women because they have a better chance of finding an ideal partner, particularly as they get older. I notice on this thread that the people who are willing to settle are women over 35 who either didn't notice the guys who didn't create a spark or didn't have the opportunity to meet somebody. Unfortunately the nice guys don't put themselves forward enough when they're younger and get drowned out by guys who don't treat women so well. Luckily for them they often find ideal partners later in life. The real losers in this scenario are the women who got dazzled by the bad guys in their youth and didn't meet nice guys. Ironically these women are often very attractive - the nice guys might not have had the confidence to approach them. If any nice younger guys who can't find girls are reading this - take my advice and approach the girls you like, don't let the bad guys intimidate you.

Indeed, if there were any karmic justice it would be the bad guys who would end up alone and not the women who were dazzled by them! Unfortunately there is no justice and life is not perfect. There is no perfect partner for anyone so that's why there's nothing wrong with settling, or taking the best option that's available. It doesn't mean that the people concerned think less of each other, it means they are realists, pragmatists and more likely to weather adverse situations together.

FrogMarch wrote: »

If you're marking potential partners, giving them a % score, you're probably missing the entire point of relationships.

I don't mark people but how else do you get the point across that it's ok to settle for somebody who's not perfect. We expect too much nowadays. Life isn't Disneyland or a Hollywood romcom. We all have flaws and if somebody is kind, caring and loyal it means a lot more than if he looks like a film star and gets women's hearts racing.

FrogMarch

Emme wrote: »

The spark might be there for the man but not for the woman. Women are more pragmatic in relationships and are usually the ones who settle. A friend's grandmother said to her to marry a man who loved her more than she loved him. I thought it was ludicrous at the time but I see her point now. If a woman is lucky enough to find a man who genuinely cares for her and she likes him then it's great. If the spark is on his side but not hers no big deal as long as she's willing to commit to him and maybe a spark will grow for her in time. If not then she has a good partner who cares for her.

Yes but I suppose my point is that if the 'spark' isn't there for a woman and she is settling, then it will be fairly obvious in the way she treats him. Perhaps not badly or anything like that but men (and women) are well aware when there's that level of affection and chemistry missing. And, as I said, only the more desperate or inexperienced men (or women) will accept that in a relationship.

Emme wrote: »

Sometimes it's a matter of making the most of what's out there.

Personally I don't see using someone for companionship as being the same as a romantic relationship. Not that I'm judging people who would rather have someone there than be lonely and die alone. But personally, I'd prefer the latter if it meant being with someone for the sake of it.

Emme wrote: »

How old are you? Under 35 or under 40? Are you male or female?

34, male.

Emme wrote: »

Men are less likely to settle than women because they have a better chance of finding an ideal partner, particularly as they get older.

Not too sure I understand this. Particularly about the 'as they get older' bit. You may need to elaborate.

Emme wrote: »

it's ok to settle for somebody who's not perfect. We expect too much nowadays. Life isn't Disneyland or a Hollywood romcom. We all have flaws and if somebody is kind, caring and loyal it means a lot more than if he looks like a film star and gets women's hearts racing.

I completely agree. The problem is that when a guy is still single in his mid-30's and only starts to get attention from women at that age, because they're getting increasingly panicked and desperate, it's pretty obvious to him. Where was that "he doesn't have to be a Hollywood superstar" thinking back when they were in their 20's, wanted to meet a woman and before they became cynical?

And no, before you ask, I'm not still single myself. A bit cynical mind.

I do have quite a few single male friends in their mid-30's who are confirmed bachelors at this stage. Not because they wouldn't want to meet someone but just because they know that 99% of women that they meet are settling for them. They get attention from women now whereas they didn't 10 years ago. But sadly it's the kind of attention they see right through. Any time they engage in relationships, they don't last the distance as there's either a notable lack of real affection or there's too much desperation. Or both.

sullies

Hi, I remember similar feelings after l ended a long-term relationship, however a family member gave me a good kick up the backside and made me do something nearly every night after work. It stopped me having too much time to think and l felt much happier about myself. Join a local class: sports, arts, etc and keep yourself busy. When you stop being preoccupied about your relationship status a relationship will happen. I know. I met my husband at a time l wasn't a bit interested in having a relationship or not. I was too busy enjoying myself. I think if you are preoccupied with being single this will come across in your body language when you are out and there's probably nothing more off-putting. Be confident in yourself that when if a relationship happens it happens and if it doesn't then thats ok too. You have a lot to offer and a man will be lucky to have you!

--LOS--

No, no and no! No relationship is better than a bad relationship, do you want to make yourself feel even worse?!

Sound Bite

No, no, no. Why would anyone want to settle? But unfortunately, I've seen it way too often with my own friends, particularly female friends who want to start a family. Personally, I think its pathetic.

I just couldn't do it and I would hate to think any man settled for me!!

Emme

Sound Bite wrote: »

No, no, no. Why would anyone want to settle? But unfortunately, I've seen it way too often with my own friends, particularly female friends who want to start a family. Personally, I think its pathetic.

I just couldn't do it and I would hate to think any man settled for me!!

I think that wanting a family is a perfectly good reason for a woman to settle. We have a limited time to procreate, and if wanting a family is a priority for a woman she might have to weigh that up against waiting for the perfect man. When men want a family they are often surprisingly quick to meet the right girl and get married. It's often the case of being in the right time at the right place for a woman when a "confirmed bachelor" suddenly decides to get married.

Hindu arranged marriages can be quite successful. I'm not talking about forced marriages but where family and friends get together and find somebody they think might be suitable for the person in question. The "spark" wouldn't be a priority but other factors such as shared interests would be taken into account. Is this settling? Maybe, but Hindu arranged marriages don't seem to have a higher failure rate than Western marriages. I think that focusing on the "spark" and finding "the one" is a road to disaster. There is no such thing as "the one" but there may or may not be several people who would be suitable partners depending on a person's needs and stage of life.

I don't know why men are bitter when they only start to get attention in their mid-30s. Perhaps it's because they've grown up, started to look better and have found their own style and self-confidence. A woman might not be interested in her hungover college classmate but when his priorities change he will naturally be more appealing.

seenitall

Emme wrote: »

I notice on this thread that the people who are willing to settle are women over 35 who either didn't notice the guys who didn't create a spark or didn't have the opportunity to meet somebody.

Eh, hello?! *waves* Not all of us, no. Because I've been there and know what it feels like, for me.

You can dismiss the "spark" all you like, Emme, but being intimate with someone you are "meh" about on a regular basis is a tall order, a very tall order;

and like FrogMarch said, the guy did know, and I guess he was just too lonely and desparate himself not to settle for the scraps of what a woman should feel for him, too. How nice, eh? How anyone can think this is a desirable state of afairs, or even the "next best thing", is beyond me.

Well, I suppose this is one of those things that some people have it in their nature to be able to do, and some don't.

But I'll also say this: I'm passionate about this subject because all the desperation and the wish to settle that I had 4 years ago is gone - and I'm still single, but it was a change of mindset that did it, that and nothing else. I'm better than a half-hearted relationship with some guy who'll have me, I deserve more than that. I'm so happy now that I haven't gone through with "the settling" and ruined a man's life in the process.

If I have to "settle", let it be for the occasional loneliness and learning to love my own company more and more each day. Not for the complication of dragging another human being into an unhealthy, untenable situation.

Loneliness and the fear of loneliness are the two absolutely worst motivations for starting a relationship, and it's quite sad to read they are so common. But yes, each to their own.

FrogMarch

Emme wrote: »

I don't know why men are bitter when they only start to get attention in their mid-30s.

Who said anything about being bitter? Any friends of mine in their 30's who are suddenly getting attention that they weren't getting 10 years ago aren't bitter. Wiser maybe, but not bitter.

Emme wrote: »

Perhaps it's because they've grown up, started to look better and have found their own style and self-confidence.

They haven't changed much in 10 years to be perfectly honest. They don't look as good, style's stayed pretty much the same. They were always a very mature, decent, respectable, intelligent bunch of lads. Just had trouble finding a woman and were constantly rejected before they gave up chatting women up in their late 20's/early 30's.

Sorry. You can't really use the whole "maybe they've grown up" argument. They haven't changed much at all in 10 years. Except now women are throwing themselves at them. Out of desperation.

Emme

FrogMarch wrote: »

Sorry. You can't really use the whole "maybe they've grown up" argument. They haven't changed much at all in 10 years. Except now women are throwing themselves at them. Out of desperation.

This is the reason women shouldn't make the first move despite guys saying they like it. From what I see above if women make the first move guys think they're desperate.

Taltos

OK guys - gentle reminder to keep your replies on topic to the OP.
RI is not a discussion forum, and as such discussions are viewed and actioned as off-topic.

Thanks
Taltos

FrogMarch

Emme wrote: »

This is the reason women shouldn't make the first move despite guys saying they like it. From what I see above if women make the first move guys think they're desperate.

Not so much. The reality is that a lot of men wonder why they have so much trouble finding a partner in their 20's and suddenly it's repeatedly handed to them on a plate in their 30's. Men do like being chatted up. But it's the fact that women leave it until their mid-30's before they do it that makes men skeptical.

Anyway, in keeping with the mod's request - OP... settling is not the right thing to do IMO. If you're happy settling and your partner is okay with it - or you're both settling, then fair enough. Not for me mind.

Emme

It's interesting to get a point of view from a mid-thirties male on finding a partner.

I still advocate settling, especially for women who want a family. Perhaps these women should start thinking about settling once they turn 25, because if they're still single and looking in their 30s it's likely that their male peers won't want them.

It's funny that I'm giving relationship advice here that I got from older female relatives (most of them married) when I was in my early 20s. They told me that if I stayed single into my 30s nobody would want me and there are men on this thread proving that point.

What is wrong with openly admitting that you want to find a partner at any age? What is wrong with taking a realistic approach to seeking a partner and making the most of what's out there?

FrogMarch

Emme wrote: »

They told me that if I stayed single into my 30s nobody would want me and there are men on this thread proving that point.

I don't know if that's the case. I don't think that single men in their 30's "don't want" women the same age. Quite the opposite. Any single guys I know in their 30's are open to the idea of meeting someone. They want to meet someone in most cases. From anecdotal evidence though, any of the lads that have met someone, a lot of the time it ends after a few months. And the reason I'm hearing frequently enough is that they guy thought that the girl was settling. If the spark's there for the guy and the girl is settling, men do know. I don't know, make of that what you will.

seenitall

Emme wrote: »

They told me that if I stayed single into my 30s nobody would want me and there are men on this thread proving that point.

Where on this thread? I can't see any such posts. Most posters, male and female alike, are wisely advising the OP not to settle just for the sake of being with somebody.

No, Emme, the "relationship" advice that you are giving is not funny, it's sad. Not realistic either; sad.

Settling is a nicer term (debatable, actually) for selling oneself short - and that's your advice!

Life is about more than bagging a man, and happiness is certainly about much more than that. If a person is unhappy/lonely/desperate without a relationship, then that person has much deeper issues with themselves than simply lacking a partnership.

Speaking from experience here, although I might as well be hitting my head against a brick wall, I know...

EDIT: Hopefully not in breach of charter by posting. I have great respect for the poster I'm replying to. I just don't want to let such unhealthy views (imo) go unchallenged. I would hope the OP is reading the thread still!

WaltKowalski

Sound Bite wrote: »

I would hate to think any man settled for me!

Men and women are so different though.
Women wait for the right man, and men wait for the right time.
Maybe women should be more like men when choosing to 'settle' down.

FrogMarch

WaltKowalski wrote: »

Sound Bite wrote: »

I would hate to think any man settled for me!

Men and women are so different though.
Women wait for the right man, and men wait for the right time.
Maybe women should be more like men when choosing to 'settle' down.

As a man, I'd have to say I completely disagree with this. As would most of my male friends. Men do not settle for whatever is available at the time that is suitable to them. Believe it or not, men believe in love too. We believe in intimacy and chemistry and we want to meet someone that loves us the same way most women do and we want someone special that make us feel special. If you're a woman, don't underestimate that fact. Most of us are, believe it or not, in touch with our emotions!

WaltKowalski

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean settle at all.
I think, and it has been my experience, that a man can love a women when he's in his early 20s, and her him, but he won't settle down with her because of his age. They break up.
Then he loves someone else equally in his 30s, he'll settle down with her because he's ready to settle down then, not because the relationship is any better than the one in his younger years.

Emme

WaltKowalski wrote: »

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean settle at all.
I think, and it has been my experience, that a man can love a women when he's in his early 20s, and her him, but he won't settle down with her because of his age. They break up.
Then he loves someone else equally in his 30s, he'll settle down with her because he's ready to settle down then, not because the relationship is any better than the one in his younger years.

I agree with that. Sometimes a man can wait until his 40s to commit himself to a long-term relationship. Women's window of opportunity is shorter, we have less time to meet the right person. That's why we shouldn't see settling as a bad thing.

One of my friends initially "settled" for her now husband. She admitted this to me after 5 years of marriage and I suspected that at the time because he wasn't her usual type. I hasten to add that her husband would be a far better man than anyone else she went out with. My friend said that there was no spark for her when they met despite his good qualities. She chose to stick with him because of his good qualities and says that she is now madly in love with him and loves him more each day. He's clearly in love with her too and has always treated her like a queen. If people commit to stay together through thick and thin love and respect can grow over the years and make the relationship stronger.

Emme

seenitall wrote: »

No, Emme, the "relationship" advice that you are giving is not funny, it's sad. Not realistic either; sad.

Well, real life isn't always a barrel of laughs.

seenitall wrote: »

Settling is a nicer term (debatable, actually) for selling oneself short - and that's your advice!

Why do people think that settling is selling yourself short? It isn't. As one poster said, men decide when they want to commit to a relationship, and women wait for the Mr Right.

Mr Right is a myth. If there is a such a thing, Mr Right is the best person who is available for a committed relationship at the right time, in other words Mr Right Now. For women who want a family, the right time is probably mid to late twenties. For example, a 26 year old woman meets a man, dates him for a year or two and he is willing to commit to her. She will then be 27 or 28. They may get married before having a child in which case another year may pass. When they get married they may wait longer before having children for financial reasons which brings the woman's age to around 30. She will have 5 more years until her fertility starts to drop dramatically. This is a reality many women don't want to face in favor of perpetuating the myth that Mr Right is out there. Choose Mr Right Now at the right time.

If a woman doesn't want children then there's no rush.