OH reading texts/emails

lachin · 09-11-2012 11:24AM #1

Hi all,
First time posting here and really need opinions/advice.
My husband used often pick up my phone and look at it if a call or a text came through. He then started reading through all my text conversations and phone calls. When I gave out to him he said he was just being nosey and there wasn't anything wrong with looking at my phone.
Recently the minute I left the room he started to grab my phone going through it. Then I discovered he was also going through all my emails and Facebook account....he has neither!
Now I flipped at this....I think it's a complete invasion of privacy. He hit back ( not physically!!) saying that as a married couple we shouldn't have any secrets from each other.... Now I agree but at the same thing I just feel god dammit can I not have anything at all to myself!!!
What do you ladies think?

Lombardo86 · 09-11-2012 11:28AM

I have never posted here but noticed this on the homepage and had to comment as this type of thing really annoys me.

I completely agree with you. I would never have (and would hate if my girlfriend ever) looked through somebody else messages. Complete invasion of privacy.

If you have no secrets, get him to tell you all the details of his conversations with the lads down the pub as well while he is at it. Sounds like he has some trust issues (Not saying they are justified).

If my girlfriend is out of the room and her phone rings i might look at who is calling but that is the extent of it.. you shouldn't have secrets yes, but does he need to know all of your conversations?

I also can't see why he would be arsed checking up on womens conversations!! Just me!

biko · 09-11-2012 11:28AM

I'm a guy and think that way wrong. It's not nosiness, it's controlling or jealousy to read someone else's conversations.
There's difference between "having no secrets" (that's bull anyway, all couples have secrets) and letting someone go though your stuff.

lachin · 09-11-2012 11:33AM

Ya, the thing is that I'm a new mom so at home every day while on mat leave and nights out with the girls are only about once every 6-8 weeks at this stage.
So I don't know how the hell it might be that there's a trust issue.

He often goes out the lads... Doesn't bother me in the slightest... Means I get the remote for the night!

So I just can't understand it. We are barely on speaking terms at the moment because of it

xDramaxQueenx · 09-11-2012 11:34AM

I think it is an invasion of privacy. Yes, you shouldn't have secrets from each other as a married couple, but that doesn't give him the right to read things that people may have told you in confidence. I would suggest putting a code on your phone to restrict access, and changing your facebook and email passwords.

username123 · 09-11-2012 11:35AM

I dont even like if my husband reads forum messages I post!!!

Your husband has boundary issues. Does he rifle through his mothers knicker drawer and comment on the contents? No, because it would be an unacceptable invasion of privacy. Its rude, distrustful, insecure, and unacceptable behaviour in my book. Would he read your diary?

stargazer 68 · 09-11-2012 11:36AM

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

I think it is an invasion of privacy. Yes, you shouldn't have secrets from each other as a married couple, but that doesn't give him the right to read things that people may have told you in confidence. I would suggest putting a code on your phone to restrict access, and changing your facebook and email passwords.

Yes have to agree with this. The only way he is reading your emails and fb is because you leave it open or he knows your passwords so change them.

lachin · 09-11-2012 11:38AM

I did put a new password on my phone...but what do I do now? He will not back down and sees nothing wrong with his behaviour.

He keeps saying we shouldn't have secrets but it's not about that.

Lombardo86 · 09-11-2012 11:40AM

Admittedly you shouldnt have to worry about passwords/protection etc but something needs to be done.

Like you said there is nothing he should be worry about, he will need to learn to deal with it.

I keep coming back to this, but ask him how he would feel about you seeing all his conversations, perhaps even ask/demand to see them as it is only fair you 'dont have secrets'. Not that he would be up to anything but i wouldnt want my gf seeing my conversations with the lads.. purely because she would see how immature groups of lads still are with all the shi*e we talk!

Hope it works out

lachin · 09-11-2012 11:41AM

Dovies wrote: »

Yes have to agree with this. The only way he is reading your emails and fb is because you leave it open or he knows your passwords so change them.

But he believes he should have access to those passwords!
I always had password on phone but with iPhone I had it timed to lock after 3 minutes. After 10 seconds of me letting my phone down he had it picked up. New password again now though.

I feel the whole thing is so petty but it's causing a massive rift.

xDramaxQueenx · 09-11-2012 11:42AM

I don't understand Lachin, I'm sorry.
If you have a new password on your phone and he can't access your personal messages, then you don't really have anything else to do. If he can't get to them, he can't read them.

Stheno · 09-11-2012 11:44AM

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

I don't understand Lachin, I'm sorry.
If you have a new password on your phone and he can't access your personal messages, then you don't really have anything else to do. If he can't get to them, he can't read them.

Yep exactly if all the passwords have changed how is he able to access the messages?

lachin · 09-11-2012 11:50AM

Stheno wrote: »

Yep exactly if all the passwords have changed how is he able to access the messages?

Sorry for misunderstanding. He used to know my old password. I changed it last week.
But that's what is now causing the problem. He says he should have access to everything...FB/email etc on my phone! I feel like banging my head through the wall cos I can't get him to see that we should both be able to maintain our private space as individuals, married or not.

Stheno · 09-11-2012 11:51AM

Just tell him no, he can't have access to it, it's your private phone and accounts.

PlainP · 09-11-2012 11:55AM

I would ask him why he feels the need to spy on you?

You need to get to the bottom of his insecurities and why he feels he has them in the first place.

Also tell him to get his own account on FB, if he wants to be nosy there's plenty of people on this sharing every aspect of their lives, plenty to keep him busy.

RacoonQueen · 09-11-2012 11:55AM

lachin wrote: »

But he believes he should have access to those passwords!
I always had password on phone but with iPhone I had it timed to lock after 3 minutes. After 10 seconds of me letting my phone down he had it picked up. New password again now though.

I feel the whole thing is so petty but it's causing a massive rift.

Change it to lock after one minute...and get into the habit of locking it yourself when you're finished with it.

Don't see why he thinks your messages might have 'secrets' though...sorry to say it but sounds to me like he has some 'secrets'...

baby and crumble · 09-11-2012 12:51PM

For me the bigger issue would actually be that whatever your partner thinks about you 'not having secrets' (which I agree is such rubbish, everyone has to have some things they keep to themselves), he has absolutely no right to the secrets of other people- I know there are some of my friends who have asked for advice via text or email that they have asked me to keep quiet, for whatever reason. If my partner were to suddenly decide she had a right to see those she'd get short shrift.

Why not ask him for all his passwords and phone unlock codes? And tell him you'll be reading all his post as soon as it comes in from now on. What's good for the goose, and all that. Somehow I doubt he'd be keen with 2 way traffic on this one!!

09-11-2012 12:53PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

Why not ask him for all his passwords and phone unlock codes? And tell him you'll be reading all his post as soon as it comes in from now on. What's good for the goose, and all that. Somehow I doubt he'd be keen with 2 way traffic on this one!!

You're kinda fcuked if he has so few boundaries that he thinks that would be a good deal, though. I know where you are coming from, but he could easily go that way, and it's still not ok for the OP.

Basic respect and courtesy is what he is lacking here, OP, it's not cool at all.

Wibbs · 09-11-2012 12:56PM

Seeing as this is a more specific relationship issue for the OP rather than a general thread on privacy I reckon it's better here

username123 · 09-11-2012 12:57PM

Its very controlling behaviour, I doubt it stands in isolation, there are probably other controlling behaviours that the OP overlooks or doesnt mind.

shalalala · 09-11-2012 12:57PM

The only reason for me for this to be okay (kinda), is if it is the done thing between you as a couple (some people don't care about boundaries) OR if you have that feeling that your partner is up to something.

Ask him does he feel like you are up to something? Hear him out. Reassure him. Then maybe the problem will solve itself.

Starokan · 09-11-2012 01:00PM

Relationships are about compromise, your oh needs to learn that he cant have everything his own way, if you want to keep your messages & fb private you are 100% entitled to do so

It's a horrible invasion of privacy, i would not give an inch on this if i were you and hopefully he possesses enough sense to realise he is wrong on this

woodchuck · 09-11-2012 01:10PM

This sounds like very fishy behaviour... I don't know if he has something to hide himself, has trust issues, or if he's controlling, but something isn't right.

If you want to play into his sense of 'logic' that the two of you shouldn't have secrets from each other, then you could point out that while you've nothing to hide yourself, you have friends that confide in you and it's not right that he knows their secrets.

P. Breathnach · 09-11-2012 01:15PM

I think what your OH does is wrong, but that does not have to mean that he is a bad person: he might simply have a different view from you on privacy, and he might also be much more inquisitive than most people.

It should be sufficient for you to tell him not to do it because you don't like it. If he affirms again his belief that you should have no secrets, tell him that you don't agree with how he interprets that: maintaining some privacy is not the same thing as being secretive. Point out also that your conversations and messages are communications with your friends, and that his behaviour is an invasion of their privacy.

djimi · 09-11-2012 01:24PM

Its not acceptable, he is completely out of order, and you need to let him know that if he keeps it up he will be finding himself a single man in a very short space of time.

Jealousy and controlling behaviour are two of the worst things a person can bring to a relationship. Absolute guaranteed to cause trouble and eat away at the core of the relationship until it crumbles. If he cant trust you then he has no right to be with you. Its that simple and he needs to be made aware of it.

desbrook · 09-11-2012 01:53PM

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Change it to lock after one minute...and get into the habit of locking it yourself when you're finished with it.

Don't see why he thinks your messages might have 'secrets' though...sorry to say it but sounds to me like he has some 'secrets'...

Have to agree here - a partner who is looking for evidence of cheating out of the blue is often (but of course not always)cheating themselves or has something to hide . Its sounds from your posts as if he wasn't always this way ...just recently ?

ronjo · 09-11-2012 02:06PM

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Point out also that your conversations and messages are communications with your friends, and that his behaviour is an invasion of their privacy.

I think this is definitely the way to go.
People are messaging and calling YOU and not HIM.
He has no right to look at these messages at all.
I would hate to think that everything I was sending to my friends was automatically known by the partner.

HeyThereDeliah · 09-11-2012 05:03PM

If anyone looked at my messages or went through my e mail I would go absolutely mad, I expect privacy and space for myself.
I have a lock on my phone and password for my laptop, I see these two things as my property and no one else's unless I give them access to them.

HeyThereDeliah · 09-11-2012 05:11PM

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

I think it is an invasion of privacy. Yes, you shouldn't have secrets from each other as a married couple, but that doesn't give him the right to read things that people may have told you in confidence. I would suggest putting a code on your phone to restrict access, and changing your facebook and email passwords.

Married couples have secrets same as single couples, people have secrets it's a fact of life. Couples do not have to live in each others pockets and tell each other everything.

LegacyUser · 09-11-2012 06:25PM

The really annoying part of this is that the persons sending you those texts could be any one of us!!! He is not only breaching your privacy but invading the privacy of the people sending you, what they think, is a private message.

I would also have to wonder why he doesnt trust you. In my experience, the person doing the (unnecessary) checking is always the person with something to hide.

LegacyUser · 09-11-2012 06:32PM

Show him this thread, OP, so he can see the general publics' response.
Failing that, "out" his behaviour in a public setting- if he thinks it's so normal, he shouldn't have any issue with friends and family knowing that he wishes to have access to your phone, facebook, email. If you're the one in the wrong (which you're not), then he shouldn't have anything to worry about by other people knowing?

OH reading texts/emails

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