OH reading texts/emails

lachin

Hi all,
First time posting here and really need opinions/advice.
My husband used often pick up my phone and look at it if a call or a text came through. He then started reading through all my text conversations and phone calls. When I gave out to him he said he was just being nosey and there wasn't anything wrong with looking at my phone.
Recently the minute I left the room he started to grab my phone going through it. Then I discovered he was also going through all my emails and Facebook account....he has neither!
Now I flipped at this....I think it's a complete invasion of privacy. He hit back ( not physically!!) saying that as a married couple we shouldn't have any secrets from each other.... Now I agree but at the same thing I just feel god dammit can I not have anything at all to myself!!!
What do you ladies think?

Lombardo86

I have never posted here but noticed this on the homepage and had to comment as this type of thing really annoys me.

I completely agree with you. I would never have (and would hate if my girlfriend ever) looked through somebody else messages. Complete invasion of privacy.

If you have no secrets, get him to tell you all the details of his conversations with the lads down the pub as well while he is at it. Sounds like he has some trust issues (Not saying they are justified).

If my girlfriend is out of the room and her phone rings i might look at who is calling but that is the extent of it.. you shouldn't have secrets yes, but does he need to know all of your conversations?

I also can't see why he would be arsed checking up on womens conversations!! Just me!

biko

I'm a guy and think that way wrong. It's not nosiness, it's controlling or jealousy to read someone else's conversations.
There's difference between "having no secrets" (that's bull anyway, all couples have secrets) and letting someone go though your stuff.

lachin

Ya, the thing is that I'm a new mom so at home every day while on mat leave and nights out with the girls are only about once every 6-8 weeks at this stage.
So I don't know how the hell it might be that there's a trust issue.

He often goes out the lads... Doesn't bother me in the slightest... Means I get the remote for the night!

So I just can't understand it. We are barely on speaking terms at the moment because of it

xDramaxQueenx

I think it is an invasion of privacy. Yes, you shouldn't have secrets from each other as a married couple, but that doesn't give him the right to read things that people may have told you in confidence. I would suggest putting a code on your phone to restrict access, and changing your facebook and email passwords.

username123

I dont even like if my husband reads forum messages I post!!!

Your husband has boundary issues. Does he rifle through his mothers knicker drawer and comment on the contents? No, because it would be an unacceptable invasion of privacy. Its rude, distrustful, insecure, and unacceptable behaviour in my book. Would he read your diary?

stargazer 68

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

I think it is an invasion of privacy. Yes, you shouldn't have secrets from each other as a married couple, but that doesn't give him the right to read things that people may have told you in confidence. I would suggest putting a code on your phone to restrict access, and changing your facebook and email passwords.

Yes have to agree with this. The only way he is reading your emails and fb is because you leave it open or he knows your passwords so change them.

lachin

I did put a new password on my phone...but what do I do now? He will not back down and sees nothing wrong with his behaviour.

He keeps saying we shouldn't have secrets but it's not about that.

Lombardo86

Admittedly you shouldnt have to worry about passwords/protection etc but something needs to be done.

Like you said there is nothing he should be worry about, he will need to learn to deal with it.

I keep coming back to this, but ask him how he would feel about you seeing all his conversations, perhaps even ask/demand to see them as it is only fair you 'dont have secrets'. Not that he would be up to anything but i wouldnt want my gf seeing my conversations with the lads.. purely because she would see how immature groups of lads still are with all the shi*e we talk!

Hope it works out

lachin

Dovies wrote: »

Yes have to agree with this. The only way he is reading your emails and fb is because you leave it open or he knows your passwords so change them.

But he believes he should have access to those passwords!
I always had password on phone but with iPhone I had it timed to lock after 3 minutes. After 10 seconds of me letting my phone down he had it picked up. New password again now though.

I feel the whole thing is so petty but it's causing a massive rift.

xDramaxQueenx

I don't understand Lachin, I'm sorry.
If you have a new password on your phone and he can't access your personal messages, then you don't really have anything else to do. If he can't get to them, he can't read them.

Stheno

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

I don't understand Lachin, I'm sorry.
If you have a new password on your phone and he can't access your personal messages, then you don't really have anything else to do. If he can't get to them, he can't read them.

Yep exactly if all the passwords have changed how is he able to access the messages?

lachin

Stheno wrote: »

Yep exactly if all the passwords have changed how is he able to access the messages?

Sorry for misunderstanding. He used to know my old password. I changed it last week.
But that's what is now causing the problem. He says he should have access to everything...FB/email etc on my phone! I feel like banging my head through the wall cos I can't get him to see that we should both be able to maintain our private space as individuals, married or not.

Stheno

Just tell him no, he can't have access to it, it's your private phone and accounts.

PlainP

I would ask him why he feels the need to spy on you?

You need to get to the bottom of his insecurities and why he feels he has them in the first place.

Also tell him to get his own account on FB, if he wants to be nosy there's plenty of people on this sharing every aspect of their lives, plenty to keep him busy.

RacoonQueen

lachin wrote: »

But he believes he should have access to those passwords!
I always had password on phone but with iPhone I had it timed to lock after 3 minutes. After 10 seconds of me letting my phone down he had it picked up. New password again now though.

I feel the whole thing is so petty but it's causing a massive rift.

Change it to lock after one minute...and get into the habit of locking it yourself when you're finished with it.

Don't see why he thinks your messages might have 'secrets' though...sorry to say it but sounds to me like he has some 'secrets'...

baby and crumble

For me the bigger issue would actually be that whatever your partner thinks about you 'not having secrets' (which I agree is such rubbish, everyone has to have some things they keep to themselves), he has absolutely no right to the secrets of other people- I know there are some of my friends who have asked for advice via text or email that they have asked me to keep quiet, for whatever reason. If my partner were to suddenly decide she had a right to see those she'd get short shrift.

Why not ask him for all his passwords and phone unlock codes? And tell him you'll be reading all his post as soon as it comes in from now on. What's good for the goose, and all that. Somehow I doubt he'd be keen with 2 way traffic on this one!!

baby and crumble

baby and crumble wrote: »

Why not ask him for all his passwords and phone unlock codes? And tell him you'll be reading all his post as soon as it comes in from now on. What's good for the goose, and all that. Somehow I doubt he'd be keen with 2 way traffic on this one!!

You're kinda fcuked if he has so few boundaries that he thinks that would be a good deal, though. I know where you are coming from, but he could easily go that way, and it's still not ok for the OP.

Basic respect and courtesy is what he is lacking here, OP, it's not cool at all.

Wibbs

Seeing as this is a more specific relationship issue for the OP rather than a general thread on privacy I reckon it's better here

username123

Its very controlling behaviour, I doubt it stands in isolation, there are probably other controlling behaviours that the OP overlooks or doesnt mind.

shalalala

The only reason for me for this to be okay (kinda), is if it is the done thing between you as a couple (some people don't care about boundaries) OR if you have that feeling that your partner is up to something.

Ask him does he feel like you are up to something? Hear him out. Reassure him. Then maybe the problem will solve itself.

Starokan

Relationships are about compromise, your oh needs to learn that he cant have everything his own way, if you want to keep your messages & fb private you are 100% entitled to do so

It's a horrible invasion of privacy, i would not give an inch on this if i were you and hopefully he possesses enough sense to realise he is wrong on this

woodchuck

This sounds like very fishy behaviour... I don't know if he has something to hide himself, has trust issues, or if he's controlling, but something isn't right.

If you want to play into his sense of 'logic' that the two of you shouldn't have secrets from each other, then you could point out that while you've nothing to hide yourself, you have friends that confide in you and it's not right that he knows their secrets.

P. Breathnach

I think what your OH does is wrong, but that does not have to mean that he is a bad person: he might simply have a different view from you on privacy, and he might also be much more inquisitive than most people.

It should be sufficient for you to tell him not to do it because you don't like it. If he affirms again his belief that you should have no secrets, tell him that you don't agree with how he interprets that: maintaining some privacy is not the same thing as being secretive. Point out also that your conversations and messages are communications with your friends, and that his behaviour is an invasion of their privacy.

djimi

Its not acceptable, he is completely out of order, and you need to let him know that if he keeps it up he will be finding himself a single man in a very short space of time.

Jealousy and controlling behaviour are two of the worst things a person can bring to a relationship. Absolute guaranteed to cause trouble and eat away at the core of the relationship until it crumbles. If he cant trust you then he has no right to be with you. Its that simple and he needs to be made aware of it.

desbrook

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Change it to lock after one minute...and get into the habit of locking it yourself when you're finished with it.

Don't see why he thinks your messages might have 'secrets' though...sorry to say it but sounds to me like he has some 'secrets'...

Have to agree here - a partner who is looking for evidence of cheating out of the blue is often (but of course not always)cheating themselves or has something to hide . Its sounds from your posts as if he wasn't always this way ...just recently ?

ronjo

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Point out also that your conversations and messages are communications with your friends, and that his behaviour is an invasion of their privacy.

I think this is definitely the way to go.
People are messaging and calling YOU and not HIM.
He has no right to look at these messages at all.
I would hate to think that everything I was sending to my friends was automatically known by the partner.

HeyThereDeliah

If anyone looked at my messages or went through my e mail I would go absolutely mad, I expect privacy and space for myself.
I have a lock on my phone and password for my laptop, I see these two things as my property and no one else's unless I give them access to them.

HeyThereDeliah

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

I think it is an invasion of privacy. Yes, you shouldn't have secrets from each other as a married couple, but that doesn't give him the right to read things that people may have told you in confidence. I would suggest putting a code on your phone to restrict access, and changing your facebook and email passwords.

Married couples have secrets same as single couples, people have secrets it's a fact of life. Couples do not have to live in each others pockets and tell each other everything.

LegacyUser

The really annoying part of this is that the persons sending you those texts could be any one of us!!! He is not only breaching your privacy but invading the privacy of the people sending you, what they think, is a private message.

I would also have to wonder why he doesnt trust you. In my experience, the person doing the (unnecessary) checking is always the person with something to hide.

LegacyUser

Show him this thread, OP, so he can see the general publics' response.
Failing that, "out" his behaviour in a public setting- if he thinks it's so normal, he shouldn't have any issue with friends and family knowing that he wishes to have access to your phone, facebook, email. If you're the one in the wrong (which you're not), then he shouldn't have anything to worry about by other people knowing?

nowyouresix

What's HE hiding ???

Neyite

lachin wrote: »

I did put a new password on my phone...but what do I do now? He will not back down and sees nothing wrong with his behaviour.

He keeps saying we shouldn't have secrets but it's not about that.

There are 2 possibilities I can see - Either he is a jealous /controlling person in which case you'd know as he would probably have accused you of flirting or something before this. While you could argue that your contacts are entitled to their privacy and that you would lose friends, in this scenario I would imagine he would actually like you to lose friends as a controlling person wants you all to themselves.

Or its transference: Its not about secrets, its about trust. And he has no trust for you. There is a thing called transferance OP, where we assume because WE behave in a certain manner, that others do too. For instance if someone pilfers things from work, they will assume that everyone does, or if someone has a wandering eye, they expect that everyone else does too. So in this scenario, he may have strayed, and because he did, assumes you would too.

dr gonzo

I apologise OP but this is idiotic behaviour from your OH. I am actually in awe of the neck on him!

As you say yourself, you dont get out very often as it is and on top of that you cant have a life of your own in any other way either...? Im quite an independent person anyway, so I may find this behaviour more reprehensible then most, but reading your posts actually angers me in the way you are being treated OP. You absolutely have a right to privacy, and your own secrets.

Its all been said but lock him out of your phone, accounts, everything and tell him to mind his own business.


...I actually cant get over the continuing invasion of your privacy despite the fact that your feelings have already been made clear. Unbelievable...

Stavro Mueller

whatdoineedtowrite123 wrote: »

The really annoying part of this is that the persons sending you those texts could be any one of us!!! He is not only breaching your privacy but invading the privacy of the people sending you, what they think, is a private message.

This would bother me. When I send a text to someone, it's for them. Not for their other half, their kids, their friends. Stand your ground OP and don't let him read your private messages. I consider it to be controlling behaviour and you should not tolerate it.

FrogMarch

Controlling and unacceptable behaviour. I'm surprised it's necessitated such a long debate. What he's doing utterly, utterly unacceptable. And a very big red flag. From my experience, those who don't trust aren't to be trusted themselves.

LegacyUser

I beg to differ on all these posts above. A real couple who respects each other should not have any secret. Maybe I am in an absolute perfect relationship 19 years on but we haver access to ezch others emails, facebook, texts. No skeletons in the cupboard whatsoever (except planing a surprise or a present).
It has to be reciprocal though ....

Lombardo86

someone123456 wrote: »

I beg to differ on all these posts above. A real couple who respects each other should not have any secret. Maybe I am in an absolute perfect relationship 19 years on but we haver access to ezch others emails, facebook, texts. No skeletons in the cupboard whatsoever (except planing a surprise or a present).
It has to be reciprocal though ....

Why unregister for posting this if it's not a big deal whatsoever?

username123

someone123456 wrote: »

I beg to differ on all these posts above. A real couple who respects each other should not have any secret. Maybe I am in an absolute perfect relationship 19 years on but we haver access to ezch others emails, facebook, texts. No skeletons in the cupboard whatsoever (except planing a surprise or a present).
It has to be reciprocal though ....

Id hate to text or email someone and think that that text or email is being read by their partner - its very disrespectful to the people emailing and texting.

Myself and my husband do not have secrets from each other but nor do we have access to each others phones or emails - Im not really sure why we would tbh? He has friendships that I am not a part of, and conversations with people that have nothing to do with me - why would I want to hear/see/read those conversations? I dont follow him to the gym and listen in on what he says to his gym pals, I dont walk around after him in work listening to what he says to people, I dont stand at his shoulder at each phonecall wanting to know what he says. I am my own person, I have my own friendships, my own conversations, other peoples personal interactions are of no interest to me.

The only reason I could see for someone insisting on that kind of access is jealousy, insecurity or control.

Being a 'real couple' doesnt mean that you are joined at the hip and can only communicate with other people when together. You are and should be individuals within the relationship with your own lives and interactions with other people. Anything else is dysfunctional.

Taltos

Lombardo86 - if you cannot post in line with our charter please don't post. Doing so is considered off topic and can result in a warning / infraction / ban.

If you haven't already done so please take 5 minutes now to read the charter before you post here again.

Thanks
Taltos

ongarboy

someone123456 wrote: »

I beg to differ on all these posts above. A real couple who respects each other should not have any secret. Maybe I am in an absolute perfect relationship 19 years on but we haver access to ezch others emails, facebook, texts. No skeletons in the cupboard whatsoever (except planing a surprise or a present).
It has to be reciprocal though ....

If you had a friend who wanted to confide something very personal with you (perhaps a very sensitive health issue), would you insist on sharing every explicit detail with your partner to ensure there was no secrecy, especially if there is no real "need to know" reason why your partner should be privy to it? Respecting the confidence of a friend or keeping secrets where appropriate does not mean you are going behind your partner's back nor undermines the strength or validity of a "real couple" as you put it.

OP, you can try all the preventative measures you want (changing passwords etc) but it won't solve the underlying issue here which is trust. If your partner fully trusted you, he should have no need to be suspicious or "nosey" as he put it about your interactions with others. If he can't respect your personal space and privacy, I think you need to have a further conversation with him about this.

Show him that his behaviour to you would be like you insisting on him putting his mobile calls with mates on loudspeaker so you can be aware of every word they say to highlight how ridiculous he is being. If he still refuses to change his ways, it suggests issues not just with trust but also possessiveness and jealousy, none of which are signs of a healthy relationship or one with a happy future.

LegacyUser

someone123456 wrote: »

I beg to differ on all these posts above. A real couple who respects each other should not have any secret. Maybe I am in an absolute perfect relationship 19 years on but we haver access to ezch others emails, facebook, texts. No skeletons in the cupboard whatsoever (except planing a surprise or a present).
It has to be reciprocal though ....

My grandparents have been married 70+ years and they don't share everything with each other and my grandmother goes mental if my granddad opens mail addressed to only her. My own parents are 40+ years married and make a point of telling me they don't share somethings. I like that I can talk to either of my parents about something and if I ask they don't tell my other parent I know they won't.

If your relationship is super open with no boundaries or personal space then good for you but it doesn't mean there is an issue with a relationship if couples don't wish to share every single detail of their lives with the other. Everyones relationship is different and what works for one couple won't automatically work for another. In your case your both happy to share your personal and private messages with each other [though I'd question if they people sending these messages are comfortable with that] but in the OPs case she is not comfortable and it is nothing to do with wanting to hide something, it's about respect from her partner for her personal space.

lachin

Guys thanks so much for all the replies.

I spoke to himself again about it and stated again that my texts/emails etc were to remain private to me. Again he said what had I to hide etc etc....
I suggested that we mention to all his family members what was going on and see what they thought and that quitened him a bit!!

Anyway he's not happy about it but we have agreed to disagree. There is definitely some unease/bad feeling around the whole thing.

Thinking about everyone's comments here over the weekend, I would think that it stems from insecurity on his behalf. I know people have suggested he may have something to hide... I seriously doubt that and would hope not too!

Anyway, thanks again for advice/replies. That's the latest!!

Colonel Panic

I know the passwords of all my family members and my ex from fixing problems with their computers and assorted online presences but it never once occurred to me to look at their emails or texts.

Everyone has the right to something private and it's ridiculous to assume someone has something to hide if they want to maintain that.

Taltos

lachin wrote: »

I suggested that we mention to all his family members what was going on and see what they thought and that quitened him a bit!!

OP - this to me speaks volumes - well done on it.
I don't think this is over for you yet - and I would be cautious.

As others have pointed out - either he is seriously insecure (to the point of maybe needing help) or he has a guilty conscience about some transgression in his own past.

Try to get him to open up if you can, but you are spot on around standing your ground on this.

desertcircus

On the idea that a couple should have no secrets: I have a pretty clear idea of which of my girlfriend's friends I'm most attracted to. If I was chatting on Facebook with my best friend, and conversation turned to the subject, I'd mention it to him. But I'd never say it to my girlfriend. There are perfectly innocuous things you can prefer not to share with your partner.