Lesbian parent hopefuls

Hi there just reading your post, we are in same position and are ready to start family, would you be willing to share info on clinic you decided to go with etc, just trying to get some good advise as info not that easy to come by...cheers

TwoMums2Be wrote: »

Feel free to PM me we now have a beautiful 9 day old baby girl & it's the best thing we have ever done

Congratulations you guys, that's brilliant!

Hello,
Just thought I'd throw this in there. Although I agree completely with the mothers right to anonymous donors and that but wouldn't it be better to have a third person, ie the biological father in the equation.

An extra pair of hands
A connection for the child with his father
etc

I know people will not like this opinion but I think if the stuation was right this would be a good idea for lesbian couples to use a friend as a donor. The one thing that would have to change though is that the non-biological mothers rights should legally supercede the biological fathers. In this situation.
Hope to see lots of happy lesbian couple mothers over the next few years.

C. ; )

2unwanted_cents wrote: »

Hello,
Just thought I'd throw this in there. Although I agree completely with the mothers right to anonymous donors and that but wouldn't it be better to have a third person, ie the biological father in the equation.

An extra pair of hands
A connection for the child with his father
etc

I know people will not like this opinion but I think if the stuation was right this would be a good idea for lesbian couples to use a friend as a donor. The one thing that would have to change though is that the non-biological mothers rights should legally supercede the biological fathers. In this situation.
Hope to see lots of happy lesbian couple mothers over the next few years.

C. ; )

Many couples in Ireland use assisted fertility to help them start a family, both heterosexual couples and same sex.

In a number of heterosexual couples seeking treatment, the male partner has a low sperm count/motility problem etc. The heterosexual couple then has the option to use donor sperm. Should this heterosexual couple use a friend for an extra pair of hands and so that the child should know his biological father? Or is that base covered because there is a man in the relationship?????

Not all couples have a male friend they can ask. Not all donors want to be involved, they are just that - a donor. Someone donating sperm so that a "family" - a self contained unit - can have children.

I feel that your comment, 2unwanted_cents, simplified a very complex issue and glossed over the realities of assisted fertility.

If you're saying that children need a male figure in their life and will have a lesser existence as a result of having a two-mom family, I think you should go and say that to all the single-mom/granny/aunty families and see what sort of response you get.

I am in a lesbian relationship, I will be a parent. I will use donor sperm. My partner and I will not need an extra pair of hands. Our donor is non-anonymous, which in donor clinic terms means that he will reply to contact from my child (should my child wish to contact him when they turn 18). It does not mean that he will do night feeds, wipe snotty noses, be there for first steps, words or days at school. He has his own family, and is contributing only sperm to mine. Incidentally, the donor and his wife had to use donated eggs to have their family, and the woman who donated the egg is not lending hands, ears or any other parts to their parenting process.

So my dear 2unwanted-cents, before you just throw things out there again, spare a thought for all the heterosexual and same sex families out there who are raising children following the use of donor sperm/eggs, and keep your unconsidered advice to yourself.

Chick_chick wrote: »

Many couples in Ireland use assisted fertility to help them start a family, both heterosexual couples and same sex.

In a number of heterosexual couples seeking treatment, the male partner has a low sperm count/motility problem etc. The heterosexual couple then has the option to use donor sperm. Should this heterosexual couple use a friend for an extra pair of hands and so that the child should know his biological father? Or is that base covered because there is a man in the relationship?????

Not all couples have a male friend they can ask. Not all donors want to be involved, they are just that - a donor. Someone donating sperm so that a "family" - a self contained unit - can have children.

I feel that your comment, 2unwanted_cents, simplified a very complex issue and glossed over the realities of assisted fertility.

If you're saying that children need a male figure in their life and will have a lesser existence as a result of having a two-mom family, I think you should go and say that to all the single-mom/granny/aunty families and see what sort of response you get.

I am in a lesbian relationship, I will be a parent. I will use donor sperm. My partner and I will not need an extra pair of hands. Our donor is non-anonymous, which in donor clinic terms means that he will reply to contact from my child (should my child wish to contact him when they turn 18). It does not mean that he will do night feeds, wipe snotty noses, be there for first steps, words or days at school. He has his own family, and is contributing only sperm to mine. Incidentally, the donor and his wife had to use donated eggs to have their family, and the woman who donated the egg is not lending hands, ears or any other parts to their parenting process.

So my dear 2unwanted-cents, before you just throw things out there again, spare a thought for all the heterosexual and same sex families out there who are raising children following the use of donor sperm/eggs, and keep your unconsidered advice to yourself.

My word, what an unnecessary attack, my unconsidered advice!!! It was a considered opinion which is still valid. I never suggest that two mothers can't raise the child. I simply feel that when an option is there for a third person to be involved in the childs life who is contributing something considerable , their genes, then why not.

To answer your statement on male figures. Of course ideally children of both sexes need a male figure in their life but that doesn't always have to come from the parents, that might be an uncle, a teacher or a friend of the family.

This response has put so many of your own opinions that do not in any way relate to my original post that I feel it's more a regurgitation of lots of arguments that you have been having with yourself and other people since you decided to have children.

I have no doubt that 2 women, 2 men, a single parent can raise a healthy and happy child and as I said in my previous post that the laws regarding same sex parenting need to be changed in this country. But if a child can have access to their biological father as they are growing up and be able to get to know him during these informative years then surely that is only a good thing and this in no way reflects you or your partners ability to raise a child as sole parents.

So before you discount that person as just a donor you might want to think very carefully if your child will see it that way.


Oh and I found your patronising last paragraph very annoying "my dear" Chick_chick.

2unwanted_cents wrote: »

I simply feel that when an option is there for a third person to be involved in the childs life who is contributing something considerable , their genes, then why not.

[...]

So before you discount that person as just a donor you might want to think very carefully if your child will see it that way.


Oh and I found your patronising last paragraph very annoying "my dear" Chick_chick.

Apologies if you found my reply patronising. I found yours pretty patronising too, so we're even

Re the donor: The main sperm bank for Europe is based in Denmark. Someone posted a link to it in an earlier post, so you can have a look to see what I'm talking about. Denmark is where the sperm donor resides. The non-anonymity only stretches as far as contact when the child turns 18. That's all the donor (or any non-anonymous donor from the sperm bank) wants. It's not a case of me and my partner deciding that we want the donor in this case to do this, it's the policy of the sperm bank. At least with the non-anonymous donors there is some form of contact at some stage along with a photo. There are elements to the whole assisted fertility process that I feel you're not clear on. I wasn't clear on them either when we started our research well over a year ago. I wish there was a simple one-stop shop with all the answers for people, gay, lesbian and straight.

And the reason that the sperm bank is the one we're using, it's because that's the bank that the fertility clinic uses, and it's 100% certified to provide medically sound, clean sperm with a certain level of motility and all these other things. We wanted to use an Irish fertility clinic because of the immediacy of the doctors, rather than go to England as people have done in the past. There are no sperm banks in Ireland, so the option of accessing the same level of care in an Irish context where the child would be able to contact the donor and all the rest just isnt possible. Who knows when that will develop in Ireland. There are no laws at the moment and the religious lobby would probably be against the whole thing anyway!

So anyway, 2unwantedcents, apologies if you felt my reply was negative. I felt that you just assumed that the decisions that lesbian couples made about donors and access and contact were made lightly, when in actual fact, when couples go to fertility clinics (well the one we went to anyway) they are presented with the donor sperm clinic in Denmark and asked to choose anonymous (no contact ever) or non-anonymous (contact when the child turns 18). We, and many other couples, don't have a male friend we can ask, so that's the craic.

I really do apologise if you felt my previous post was negative or un-called for. It's just so important that all the facts are out there regarding the realities of using donor sperm. Apologies again.

In reply to GayCouple, the only information that I can think of about surrogacy is that documentary that was on last week. Gay Daddy. The English couple who run the surrogacy agency who were featured were on Ray D'arcy the other day as well. Maybe there's a podcast? Best of luck.

Folks - let's not get into rows here

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Why bring it up? Because of the assumption that just because a man has impregnated a woman, he will naturally be a "good thing" in a child's life. I thought that was blindingly obvious.

Dont wave that fathers rights card at me to score points here - I support anyones right to be a parent if they are qualified to do the job (and in actual fact I dont agree with how easily the courts give rights of custody automatically to mothers but are so quick to discount the rights of the father) not to mention my complete lack of time and respect for "feminists". If a man and a woman have a baby together then of course he has the same rights as the mother (or should have) but do not insult my intelligence by comparing him at equitable level to a sperm donor who never set out to be the father of a child that he knows and rears and loves.

Also, I am sorry that your sister finds it difficult with 3 kids (and she is to be commended for doing the job alone) but I do not see how your sisters desire or need for assistance (and before you jump down my throat, there is nothing wrong with that) can justify you telling potential lesbian parents that they should include the sperm donor in their child's life because they might not have enough hands on deck.It's ludicrous.

Ok again, the should versus the could is the key here Old not wise. If you read through the thread I have no issue with anonymous donors and if people choose to go down that route. The thread started with someone looking for advice and asking about opinions and specifically asked about couples who got a friend to donate versus anonymous donation.

I am not comparing biological father in a heterosexual relationship to a sperm donor I am comparing anonymous donor Vs Involved donor and the postives and negatives between these two and I was arguing for the latter.

I never stated that having an extra pair of hands as the one reason to include the biological father in the childs life. I said that this is one of the many benefits of having an extra adult involved in the childs welfare. Another benefit is the child can have a proper connection with both biological parents and of course I expect that the lesbian couple wouldn't pick a sex offender to be the donation for their baby.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I assume then that you would also be all for an involvement from donors even if a straight couple avail of assissted fertility? Would you also be all for involvement of the birth father if the child has been adopted? If not, why not? (after all your entire argument seems to hinge on the idea that "more hands" is better for the child and surely this is the case whether its a donor or the child is adopted?)

If a child is adopted it is usually because the biological parents are not around or unfit to take care of the child. If a child is adopted and the biological father wants to make contact and it is safe then I think the adoptive parents might really consider allowing access to him.

If a straight couple are looking for donor sperm for whatever reason then they have choices and the same arguement applies for Anonymous donor Vs Involved Donor.

Here's something - perhaps a friend donating sperm might work for some and might not for others.

I can see lots of potential benefits and lots of potential complications.

Maybe perhaps each to their own?

I will say though that if a gay/lesbian couple or actively trying to start a family, they have probably put a ridiculous amount of thought into all the possibilities so I would generally leave them to it unless I could add something significant.

None of this is a decision that is taken lightly.

from what i've gathered from reading fertility stuff online, bfn is big fat negative, af is aunt flo (ew ew!!) and big fat positive is bfp. There's a lingo all of its own!!!