Should a person always know that they are dying?

TeddyTedson · 18-09-2012 08:08PM

I don't know my stance on this at all. I click reply about 15mins ago and had a post all typed out but I can't settle on either side.
I kind of think their are certain circumstances where it's ok, but in saying that, I would want to know if I was going to die in 6 months for example. There would be a lot of things for me to do in that time, and I really should get acting on them just in case tomorrow I get knocked down by a bus.
I almost cant allow anything to happen to me because I have things to do first, if that makes sense.

But if I had everything taken care of, and I was to become ill. I wouldn't mind not knowing. I remember visiting people on their death bed and they know they're about to die. I'm just not sure it helps the person who is sick or any friends/family...

shopaholic01 · 18-09-2012 08:15PM

There are things that I would only have the courage/honesty to say if I was dying, so I think I would like to know. Is it ethical to withhold this information if a person has not requested it?

It would take time to accept that your time is nearly up, but at least you could make informed decisions.

Callan57 · 18-09-2012 08:15PM

I would be absolutely livid if anyone, be they family or medical professional, presumed they had a right to treat me as if I were mentally deficient or had reverted to childhood just because I had a terminal illness. How incredibly patronising!

I would adamantly want to remain the decision maker in my life.

galwaybabe · 18-09-2012 08:23PM

12 years ago my mother passed away from cancer, unaware that she was going to pass away. To this day my head is done in about it. At the time the palliative care people told me that they never tell a person that they are going to die unless the patient asks them. I personally think this is bollox. My mother was the sort of person who would have definitely wanted to have things said and done if she had known. I feel it was an insult to her intelligence that she wasn't told.

In addition to that, the effect it had on all of us as a family was horrible. We couldn't talk to her about all the things we wanted to talk about because she didn't know.

Feck...have to stop typing. I'm still so angry about it all..:(

H2UMrsRobinson · 18-09-2012 08:28PM

I would definitely want to be told - come to think of it I would be mighty pissed off if my healthcare professional told other members of my family, before they told me, and then consequently it was kept from me. Assuming I'm compus mentis that is. If I'm a veg anyway just put a bullet in my head.

I'd have so many things I'd need to say to people if I was dying. I'd have to write a will, apportion my small sentimental belongings, plan my funeral, finally get around to making that wedding album (something for the hubby and child to weep over), write a bucket list, execute said list, finish my memoirs and snog Mr Beckham - Jesus that amount of work would kill a person !!!

kerry4sam · 18-09-2012 08:45PM

Biggins wrote: »

I know it's AH (and expect standard Ah answers - absolutely fair enough) but here is a serious question:

Should a person always know that they are dying?

The situation:
Person dying in a hospital bed of cancer (or something else).
They think they are just receiving treatment for it and put down their constant in and out of sleeping/coma due to the illness but think they are on the road to recovery - but are NOT!

Without going into personal detail (for a few weeks at least), should a person be ALWAYS told of their impending doom?

I say "Yes" in order to prepare themselves, adjust a will, say good bye's, etc.
However I have come across some who say different but really fail to explain to me why they feel different.

Maybe someone can enlighten me as to why others would say different?

It's my belief that the person involved should always know the truth. It can be extremely difficult to narrow down a time/date, but they should be informed about what, if anything, can be done to change the situation.

This was a tough thread to read Biggins, but I thank you for bringing it up. Someone very dear to me went for tests and we hit heart-ache. They were brought back for more tests and was given a year to wait before more tests would need to be done. I went with them but I know of others who were not informed any of this was happening. They lived their life daily without knowing about any tests needing to be done, or any possible impending heart-ache. Should they have known? Wasn't my place to inform anyone, and I never did.

The person is today battling on, no time/date known, and still no-one else knows as we now have to wait for further tests months down the line.

Not the same as your situation in the op, and no offence but I sincerely Hope to God it doesn't

, but each person should be informed. It really should be up to them who they decide to inform then imo, but they should at the very least know if something can be done; if they will see home again; if they can live a day at least out of a hospital bed; if they have or want to organise aspects of their life.

Wee Willy Harris · 18-09-2012 08:52PM

A person should only be reminded of such by way of their own physical pain; in which case they should be permitted euthanasia if they so wish otherwise no!!

Shryke · 18-09-2012 09:09PM

If any one person has the right to know it is the individual who is actually dying. It's very messed up to hold something like that back. It's almost a playing God type ploy. I wouldn't personally trust another human being who would drop on the other side of the fence on this one, it would make me think too poorly of their character and question their priorities and motivations too much.

Tom Joad · 18-09-2012 09:19PM

I would say that assuming we are talking about an adult they need to be told and have a right to be told unless there is very good reason not too (they have told you in the past or you are certain they would not cope). But there are so many variables that it is difficult to say with certainty.

For instance, if the person will never get out of hospital or have any quality of life and are in pain or fully coherent - could see why there would be nothing to gain from telling them.

With a terminal illness with say 6 months to live - yes absolutely they need to know to put affairs in order and make the most of the time left...

With a child I couldn't do it myself - how could a child comprehend that..

purplepanda · 18-09-2012 09:22PM

The stepmom died a few months back from cancer, she beat it once last year but it came back again. She knew she was dying although she couldn't talk or communicate, you could just tell by her eyes sometimes reacting to faces & voices she knew. She had already made plans for her passing after she came out of hospital after the first cancer was removed, so might well have known she would not be around for much longer anyway.

She was told she was in hospital & was being treated & everyone was careful not to discuss her terminal condition & situation in front of her.

Telling her straight that she had not long to live would have just upset her, at least she had her family around talking & caring for her.

The priest came around to say prayers with her about a week before she passed on. She was a devout christian so that was more than enough to let her know her time was coming.

BillyMitchel · 18-09-2012 09:23PM

My father was told 9-10 years ago that his time was just up. Body was starting to shut down and there's nothing they can do anymore. 9-10 years later he's alive, not in perfect health but can do 80% of things a normal person can.

Two things.
If he wasn't told we was going to die would we just accept the illness and probably pass away peacefully?

Or

Because he was told he was going to die that he fought it and is still alive?

Personally I'd rather know, there be so much things to say and do. The ones I really feel for is the people who get sick all of a sudden, go to hospital and find out cancer has spread throughout their bodies and get weeks to live

MaxSteele · 18-09-2012 09:34PM

A Patient should know. Some may be well enough to actually move on their own or at least with the aid of a friend or family member. I'd rather pass away overlooking a vast view from a high point or somewhere memorable instead of a mundane hospital bed.

Plus you never know what life changing secrets or important info a family member might wish to share before kicking the bucket.

Riddle101 · 18-09-2012 09:44PM

Definitely if you're an adult. What's the point in beating around the bushes about it. If someone is going to die, then they should be told. Not telling them at all because you want to make it easier on people is the wrong way to go. They need to know in order to prepare themselves, make a will, say all that needs to be said and die in peace.

A child on the otherhand is different. I think they're more delicate to talk to about that stuff then adults, it's sad enough that you know a child is about to die, maybe a son or daughter. But them knowing is just too depressing.

kowloon · 18-09-2012 10:49PM

If they're capable of understanding what they're being told I think it's only right to tell them.

Personally, there's things I'd want to say to family and friends that I think would go unsaid if I was unaware I was dying. I wouldn't want to go out thinking it was business as usual.

ViveLaVie · 01-10-2012 12:30AM

I have twice been in a situation as an adult where information on the seriousness of my health has been kept from me.

The first wasn't life or death but there was good evidence to suggest I would need very serious and major life-altering surgery. My family was told but I wasn't informed until a definite decision was made following further diagnostic tests. I was very
annoyed but in all likelihood I would probably have been a complete mess and totally stressed myself out leading up to the tests had I known what the doctor had projected so I understand the reluctance to tell me.

The second time was life or death but it was a very random and unexpected spontaneous illness that acted very quickly. I was in a very dangerous position at one point. I understand that had I been told I'd have been very frightened and stressed which wouldn't have helped my body to fight but had I died then I wouldn't have had a proper chance to say goodbye.

It's hard to know because I believe I got through those ordeals easier because of my lack of knowledge as to the seriousness of the situation - but had I actually died I'd have been short-changed.

darlett · 01-10-2012 12:36AM

im invisible wrote: »

We're all dying anyway, theres none of us going to live forever

I dunno, Im doing alright so far, feeling pretty confident about not dying ever

Contessa Raven · 01-10-2012 01:26AM

I currently have a neighbour who is terminally ill. She has cancer. Can't remember what type. She's in her mid-80's and her grown up children have all decided not to tell her that she's going to die. As far as she is aware, she has arthritis. I was talking to one of her children the other day and he was saying that her mind isn't what it was and that it wouldn't be fair to tell her.

I dunno though. If it was me I think I'd like to know. Although if I have Alzheimers (which I think she might have the early stages of) would it make that much of a difference?

In cases of people who are perfectly sound of mind then they absolutely have the right to know and if it were me I'd need to be told. I'd be very upset to find out my family lied to me. But other people wouldn't want to be told. It's a hard one to call.

dinorebel · 01-10-2012 01:36AM

As an Airline Pilot I live with the fact I could die any day but when it come to illness I would like to die asleep in blissful ignorance unlike my screaming passengers.

Canis Lupus · 01-10-2012 01:41AM

When my father was dying no one told him. He'd been bad before but he was definitely on the way out this time. Was difficult hearing him talk about how rough he felt and that he wished he'd get better soon.

Out of all the things to be 'sad' about, him never being told he was dying was a hard thing to deal with for some reason.

It wasn't me! · 01-10-2012 03:28AM

My grandfather was dying of cancer when he was killed by a stroke. Prior to this (a long time prior) the whole family, and it's a big one, had decided he didn't need to know, and so he never even knew he had cancer, let alone that it was terminal. Now, the secret was such that I and every other member of the family knew, and I was about fifteen. The idea that he never knew, because people decided he didn't need to, is one that haunts me on a regular basis. This is a man who, at 94, was in complete possession of all his faculties and was a more interesting and lively conversationalist than most. He didn't deserve to be misled and treated like a child by his adult offspring and their massive extended family. One of my biggest fears is that someday I'll be treated like a child by people who owe me so much better than that, because in their judgement I don't need to know something. Sure, I'd rather go suddenly and never see it coming, but if circumstances are otherwise, then I feel that those who would claim they care about me owe me the dignity of not keeping anything from me.

kowloon · 01-10-2012 03:35AM

Was your Grandfather not informed of the diagnosis to his face?

Snowie · 01-10-2012 03:38AM

Id rather know and i go out instyle id party till i could not any more

JustAThought · 01-10-2012 03:54AM

A child - no.

Someone who wasn't the full shilling -no.

But mostly, others, yes. Why take the option to make peace/resolve lifelong conflicts/resolve a will etc from them.

But .have you ever been in hospital, alone, catastrophically ill,unable tobreathe unassisted, in ICU & strung out on drugs; half sane & half delirious.At what point would the terror of someone hanging over your bed saying you're going to die make you less delirious or terrified.

It might resolve outstanding guilt & legal issues for others, but if you are that ill what will it do for you-other than scare the life and fight out of you .

&... Self fulfilling prophesies?

Difficult one .

SunDog · 01-10-2012 04:04AM

As someone who's been on both sides I think the person should be told. It's not a decision for anyone else to decide (doc included). This maybe hard for family but....

Lollipops23 · 01-10-2012 09:46AM

You shouldn't keep that from anyone. It's no one's right.

Lucyfur · 01-10-2012 10:09AM

I have a family member in this situation at the moment. I'm shocked that he is not being informed that death is very close.
What if he wants to say goodbye/make peace/tell someone he's always hated them?

I'd want to know.

It wasn't me! · 01-10-2012 11:14AM

kowloon wrote: »

Was your Grandfather not informed of the diagnosis to his face?

No. The doctors dealt with the family, which is another area I have massive misgivings about. It's some eight or nine years ago now and it still gives me shivers every time it crosses my mind.

supershy · 01-10-2012 11:27AM

I think each situation needs to be dealt with differently. For instance, my brother died of cancer and we never told him he was going to die.

The doctors told us as a family that he did not have long to live and if we felt he should know, then they would tell him.

My brother received treatment in St. Lukes (i think that's the name of the hospital) and a nurse had told my mother at the time that St. Lukes have a policy of telling all their patients the truth yet they never told my brother and i think this is all down to his personality and his medical history.

My brother became a heroin addict at the age of 17 and for the next 10 years, it was a living hell. My parents had done their best by him, never throwing him out of the house and fought tooth and nail to get him in to rehab facilities. He eventually got clean at the age of 27. When he was 28, he was diagnosed with cancer and then he got the all clear 18months later after chemo etc etc. The cancer then returned when he was 31 and he passed away.

My brother had only started to live his life and he loved every minute of it and was now living with his girlfriend and they adored each other.

My brother always believed that he would beat cancer the 2nd time round and it was obvious to us that if we and the doctors and nurses told him the truth, he wouldn't cope with the news and would just give up. My mother always feared he would take a heroin overdose if he found out he was going to die.

I am glad we didnt tell my brother because in spite of the chemo, the severe pain, sickness and medications, he believed he could fight it and he was, in his own way, happy until the day he passed away.

SandyRamp · 01-10-2012 12:21PM

Personally I would definitely want to know, and I would be pretty mad if anybody kept that info from me as there would be so much I would want to do before it happened.

Regarding telling a child, I don't think they need the burden of that knowledge. My ex's little brother died of cancer when he was 4, and the family decided to carry on with him as normal. They told him that everything he was going through was normal and that his big brother (22 at the time) went through the same at his age. All the males in the family shaved their hair etc. so he didn't feel like he was different.

Saying that though, I think the little guy was smarter than they gave him credit for, as he often spoke like he wouldn't be around for long, leaving presents around the house for them to find "when i'm not here anymore" and talking about when he gets to heaven. I still think they were absolutely right not to tell him though.

SunDog · 01-10-2012 03:15PM

SandyRamp wrote: »

I think the little guy was smarter than they gave him credit for

Alway worse when it's a child. I still think they should not be lied to but told in a way they can understand.

Should a person always know that they are dying?

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