Stingy Wedding Presents & None at All

MarieClaire78 · 24-08-2012 7:39pm #1

Hi All,
Views wanted please....

My hubbies and I got married last year, really pushed the boat out to make is a fab day for family and friends (6 courses, loads of champers, subsidised rates for the hotel). We wanted to make it a really celebratory day and it was. We had a fantastic time. Most of our family and guests were extremely generous in gifting but I am really annoyed by two female friends (one who I see/have coffee with every day at work) who have never given us a gift. Its just over a year since we married.

Shes not at all this way with all her friends and in fact spent part of this week telling me about a gift for her sisters birthday. I've been gritting teeth but it really is annoying me and genuinely getting to me. These two girls claim to be "close friends", there is no financial pressures in any of their lives yet they seems shameless re not having given us a gift. It was mentioned one in a "must bring it in" way months ago and has conveniently been forgotten.

I could never do this to someone and would be genuinely mortified- its just not how I'm brought up. We were always told not to have our hands hanging and our parents and family are very kind.

The colleague/friend one I don't see every day ( works in an office down the country)had come to me to ask a number of favours since the wedding which just feels cheeky.

And to top it off, another well to do friend had just dropped over a set of clearly "recycled form their own wedding" cheap crystal glasses. My hubbie and I gave them €300 for their wedding two years ago...... He let slip last week recently that they earn €160k between them and arent at all in financial pressure.....it just seems so mean ( their food /each cost €140 on the day and was lavish!)

I know money is not a barometer of friendship, but it really feels like it at the moment. My husband and I always err on the side of generosity with others but as my mother says "eaten bread is soon forgotten". This really has tainted my view of these 3 friends- and I can seem to reframe my friendship with them afterwards. I just dont feel they value us or our feelings, am I wrong to be so annoyed? Cant seem to get over this.

lazygal · 24-08-2012 8:20pm

I can guarantee you're going to get a lot of 'for f-ecks sake, who do you think you are, be grateful people came, you don't have a wedding to get gifts, get over yourself responses'.

I can sympathise though. We married last year and several close friends (well I thought we were close) still haven't given even a card. There's been a half-hearted 'I must drop it up to you' from a couple of them, one flat out hasn't bothered his arse. He also didn't bother dressing appropriately for our wedding, I know I might be lambasted for mentioning this but I don't care, its a wedding, at least wear a suit.

It does bug me. It annoys me to think they can't even be arsed getting us a card. We saved for our day, made sure we fed everyone (drinks reception food, four course meal and evening food) and had a free bar, so I can honestly say it didn't cost that much to attend our wedding. We also had everything in one place, like you sought out subsidised accomodation (didn't marry in a hotel) and looked after our guests in other ways. It was, of course, our choice to do this. But I really couldn't believe that more than one person seemed to think it was ok to come, avail of everything, tell us they had a gift for us, and never mention it again. Common courtesy is that if someone invites you to something, you bring a gift, even just a flipping card. I wouldn't turn up at a party or dinner in someone's house without a bottle of wine.

I hate to say this, but the thing that bothers me most is the fact that none of my siblings have given us a thing. My husband spent a lot on the gift he was basically told to get his sister yet we haven't received a thing from her-she keeps mentioning it but I'm thinking "either write us a cheque or stop bringing it up". That said, I'm not going to lower my standards just because other people don't seem to think they need to bother their arses getting a gift or card for an important social occasion.

username123 · 24-08-2012 8:53pm

lazygal wrote: »

We saved for our day, made sure we fed everyone (drinks reception food, four course meal and evening food) and had a free bar, so I can honestly say it didn't cost that much to attend our wedding.

Thats silly - its not usually the cost of drinking or eating that makes attending a wedding expensive, its the outfit, petrol, accommodation, gift and then the least expense is buying your drinks. On occasion you can add in the day off work (which costs in terms of holiday days) and attending a hens or stags as well. I wouldnt physically be able to drink more than around 50 quid anyway!! But I easily spend 500 going to a wedding. Ive actually started just not going unless its someone very very close now because of the expense.

To the OP - many people didnt give myself and my husband a wedding gift either. We had a totally non traditional wedding party but I appreciate people still had to travel and dress up for it. I didnt care, but it does show who of your friends are more generous than others!!

My husbands family never gave us a thing either, none of them, and one of them actually complained about the food!!

Muckit · 24-08-2012 9:42pm

Hi OP. I can see how you would be upset and slightly inraged by the action or rather non action of your 'friends' in giving you a gift.

It's more the lack of thought and effort than anything else that is so unforgivable. If a guest really genuinely cares about the bride and groom, they will make it their business to go to the effort of getting them a present. Yes we are in a recession, and nobody knows anybodies true financial circumstances, but a card is the least someone going to a wedding should give. And as mentioned, they have the option not to go if they feel they cannot afford it.

We are getting married in 7weeks time and have braced ourselves for the opening of wedding cards and gifts (or lack thereof!)

But, back to yourself OP. A year has passed. You had a brilliant wedding by your own accounts. Don't let petty resentment of your friends indifference to giving you a gift, spoil your memories of your wedding.

How are your friends apart from this? Is this a true indication of their personality? Perhaps you have less in common than you think. If they made no effort to get you a gift, perhaps their values are different to yours. Just because you were once friends doesn't mean you need to continue to be. A year is a long time to have this festering. It's clearly eating you up. Either simply do not be friends with them anymore or just come clean with them, and curbing your anger as best you can, explain to them that you are hurt that they did not get you a present. And DO NOT let them trivialise it by saying ' oh ya, we'I drop it over soon blah blah....' Leave them under no illusion as to how you feel on the matter.

If still no change, you need to ask yourself if you can still be friends with them. You need to find closure to all this. I wish you the very best of luck OP whatever you decide to do.

Quorum · 24-08-2012 10:25pm

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

it just seems so mean ( their food /each cost €140 on the day and was lavish!)

You decided to spend that much on the food though.

loopymum · 24-08-2012 10:33pm

I'm glad I'm not your friend, you seem far more worried about gifts than anything to be honest.

tdavfc · 24-08-2012 10:42pm

Maybe she thought she give you a present. Maybe it was lost on the day, lots of people give cards with money in them on the wedding day. She could be thinking you're the ungreatful cow for not thanking her

A friend that attended our wedding swore she give us a card on the day until she used her handbag years later and found the card & bank draft in the card. She was mortified, I thought it was very funny as it was in pounds and we were in euro for a long long time. Give the girl the benefit of the doubt and move on.

pm1977x · 24-08-2012 10:49pm

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

I know money is not a barometer of friendship, but it really feels like it at the moment...Cant seem to get over this.

You do seem very materialistic though, can't move on and forget it, yet annoyed when you DO get a gift from someone else and write it off as 'recycled' and 'cheap' - so what, it was a gift! (but it was cheaper than the gift you gave them so doesn't count) You don't really seem to get the whole spirit of gift-giving and receiving. It all seems terribly petty.

rainbowtrout · 24-08-2012 10:51pm

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

Hi All,
Views wanted please....

My hubbies and I got married last year, really pushed the boat out to make is a fab day for family and friends (6 courses, loads of champers, subsidised rates for the hotel). We wanted to make it a really celebratory day and it was. We had a fantastic time. Most of our family and guests were extremely generous in gifting but I am really annoyed by two female friends (one who I see/have coffee with every day at work) who have never given us a gift. Its just over a year since we married.

Shes not at all this way with all her friends and in fact spent part of this week telling me about a gift for her sisters birthday. I've been gritting teeth but it really is annoying me and genuinely getting to me. These two girls claim to be "close friends", there is no financial pressures in any of their lives yet they seems shameless re not having given us a gift. It was mentioned one in a "must bring it in" way months ago and has conveniently been forgotten.

I could never do this to someone and would be genuinely mortified- its just not how I'm brought up. We were always told not to have our hands hanging and our parents and family are very kind.

The colleague/friend one I don't see every day ( works in an office down the country)had come to me to ask a number of favours since the wedding which just feels cheeky.

And to top it off, another well to do friend had just dropped over a set of clearly "recycled form their own wedding" cheap crystal glasses. My hubbie and I gave them €300 for their wedding two years ago...... He let slip last week recently that they earn €160k between them and arent at all in financial pressure.....it just seems so mean ( their food /each cost €140 on the day and was lavish!)

I know money is not a barometer of friendship, but it really feels like it at the moment. My husband and I always err on the side of generosity with others but as my mother says "eaten bread is soon forgotten". This really has tainted my view of these 3 friends- and I can seem to reframe my friendship with them afterwards. I just dont feel they value us or our feelings, am I wrong to be so annoyed? Cant seem to get over this.

It's nice to receive gifts and I would always give a gift if attending a wedding but you are not entitled to receive one, nor should you be comparing the value of the gift you give with the gift you received (€300 v crystal glasses). You chose to give €300 as a gift (which personally I think is crazy, but each to their own), they are not obliged to give you the same back, regardless of how much they earn. You should be giving gifts willingly, not with the expectation that you receive the exact same value gift in return.

Nor are your guests obliged to give you lavish gifts based on the fact that you provided a six course meal at the cost of €140 per head. You chose to spend that money, they didn't. Nor should they be expected to reimburse you for it through the value of their gift. Maybe your friends with a salary of 160k don't have financial pressures because they didn't spend outrageous amounts of money on their wedding meal or on the gifts they gave people. Would you have been happy with anything less than €300 or would you have expected more given their apparent financial stability?

While you feel a bit miffed by the two people who didn't give any gift and by the gift of the glasses, and you claim that money is not a barometer of friendship yet you seem to value your friendships based on the value of the gifts people give you, it seems a bit shallow to me. You are dwelling on it a year after your wedding, surely there are more important things going on in your life?

Dostoevsky · 25-08-2012 3:14am

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

...but I am really annoyed by two female friends (one who I see/have coffee with every day at work) who have never given us a gift. Its just over a year since we married.

Shes not at all this way with all her friends and in fact spent part of this week telling me about a gift for her sisters birthday. I've been gritting teeth but it really is annoying me and genuinely getting to me. These two girls claim to be "close friends", there is no financial pressures in any of their lives yet they seems shameless re not having given us a gift. It was mentioned one in a "must bring it in" way months ago and has conveniently been forgotten.

I could never do this to someone and would be genuinely mortified- its just not how I'm brought up. We were always told not to have our hands hanging and our parents and family are very kind.

The colleague/friend one I don't see every day ( works in an office down the country)had come to me to ask a number of favours since the wedding which just feels cheeky.

And to top it off, another well to do friend had just dropped over a set of clearly "recycled form their own wedding" cheap crystal glasses. My hubbie and I gave them €300 for their wedding two years ago...... He let slip last week recently that they earn €160k between them and arent at all in financial pressure.....it just seems so mean ( their food /each cost €140 on the day and was lavish!)

I know money is not a barometer of friendship, but it really feels like it at the moment. My husband and I always err on the side of generosity with others but as my mother says "eaten bread is soon forgotten". This really has tainted my view of these 3 friends- and I can seem to reframe my friendship with them afterwards. I just dont feel they value us or our feelings, am I wrong to be so annoyed? Cant seem to get over this.

I feel likewise when I discover somebody I had regard for is mean. It puts all their positive characteristics in perspective. It's not nice seeing that side of somebody.

The short answer: there are mean people, and some incredibly mean people. It is better you are made aware of them now. Take note, keep it in mind, and if generosity is important to you and these people could afford to be but chose to be mean, then you know where they fit in your network. In the end they come off worst. Money comes and goes, but once a couple get a reputation for being mean they are kept at arms' length, and usually end up being the recipients of passive aggressive sneers by everybody who has experience of their meanness.

clint_silver · 25-08-2012 8:10am

tdavfc wrote: »

Maybe she thought she give you a present. Maybe it was lost on the day, lots of people give cards with money in them on the wedding day. She could be thinking you're the ungreatful cow for not thanking her A friend that attended our wedding swore she give us a card on the day until she used her handbag years later and found the card & bank draft in the card. She was mortified, I thought it was very funny as it was in pounds and we were in euro for a long long time. Give the girl the benefit of the doubt and move on.

Exact same thing happened us with 2 people at our wedding.

1 wedding we went to we had some things happening in our lives at the the time where we weren't concentrating on the done thing and didn't get a present for a relation at their wedding which we attended. Noone knew of these issues, we just smiled throughout the day.
It was said many months later by one of my parents that the lack of a present was noted and it was unusual behaviour (getting pressies is just what you do).

We had just plain forgot with everything else that had been going on and were very embarrassed and We rectified. But that's the other side of it.

If it was me I'd leave it. But you have to leave it altogether, ie never think of it again, if it festered it may come out over drinks one night or in something that you do which I'm sure would be against your nature like going to their party an not getting anything.

If you can't leave it then you have to say something. Awkward as hell though.

meisha · 25-08-2012 2:45pm

i know how you feel it happened to me too,mostly aunts/uncles from my side and some cousins

i was dissapointed at the time because like you I had an expensive wedding and the freeloaders came ate drank danced the night away and did not even leave a card..im totally over it now its been a lesson learned..thats what those people are like,they showed up to my birthday party months later and did the same thing,we are all different just because we would never do it does not mean everyone would x

MarieClaire78 · 25-08-2012 2:48pm

loopymum wrote: »

I'm glad I'm not your friend, you seem far more worried about gifts than anything to be honest.

I'm not. I'm simply very hurt, especially by people I see everyday not even bothering with a card or any small gesture...especially when I have always gone out of my way to be generous....

meisha · 25-08-2012 2:51pm

@loopymum has this ever happened to you?

MarieClaire78 · 25-08-2012 2:51pm

meisha wrote: »

i know how you feel it happened to me too,mostly aunts/uncles from my side and some cousins i was dissapointed at the time because like you I had an expensive wedding and the freeloaders came ate drank danced the night away and did not even leave a card..im totally over it now its been a lesson learned..thats what those people are like,they showed up to my birthday party months later and did the same thing,we are all different just because we would never do it does not mean everyone would x

Thanks so much Meisah for totally getting me............! I will chalk it down at lessons learned and it will make me look differently on some "friendships".... lessons to be learned indeed!

meisha · 25-08-2012 2:53pm

its a harsh horrible lesson but a lesson all the same xx now enjoy your hard earned cash and dont go giving out 300 quid again lol

MarieClaire78 · 25-08-2012 2:57pm

clint_silver wrote: »

Exact same thing happened us with 2 people at our wedding.

1 wedding we went to we had some things happening in our lives at the the time where we weren't concentrating on the done thing and didn't get a present for a relation at their wedding which we attended. Noone knew of these issues, we just smiled throughout the day.
It was said many months later by one of my parents that the lack of a present was noted and it was unusual behaviour (getting pressies is just what you do).

We had just plain forgot with everything else that had been going on and were very embarrassed and We rectified. But that's the other side of it.

If it was me I'd leave it. But you have to leave it altogether, ie never think of it again, if it festered it may come out over drinks one night or in something that you do which I'm sure would be against your nature like going to their party an not getting anything.

If you can't leave it then you have to say something. Awkward as hell though.

Thanks and sorry to hear about your tough situation, hope life is good now. I completely get how in the middle of big life stuff this could be overlooked by anyone ( myself included) but meeting this one friend every day means im a constant reminder! I dont think I could ever bring it up ( in fact another friend at work, one day loudly thanked me for the lovely thank you card in front of the other girl and I nearly died) I was far more embarassed! I couldnt ever bring myself to say it but at the same time -youre right, its festering! Best to chalk down as a life lesson I guess............... I''m just really disappointed in people I thought more of! x

MarieClaire78 · 25-08-2012 2:59pm

Quorum wrote: »

You decided to spend that much on the food though.

Dont regret that at all, gifts arent meant to recoup our costs- our wedding was v expesnsive and that ws our choice. We just had a v generous day for our friends and guests, and even if we'd had a party down the pub I would have expected a card and small gesture.....

amdublin · 25-08-2012 3:02pm

MarieClaire - Did you invite your friends for their presence or their presents?

username123 · 25-08-2012 3:03pm

meisha wrote: »

I had an expensive wedding and the freeloaderscame ate drank danced the night away and did not even leave a card.

Sorry, I just cant agree with this - it costs money to attend a wedding, even if you dont give a gift. Its not freeloading to attend a party you are invited to! If thats how people feel about guests they shouldnt invite them. Its a seperate issue to be disappointed that someone didnt bother showing basic good manners and bringing a card or gift - but you cannot say that people who came and enjoyed a party you invited them to are freeloaders! If no one showed up it wouldnt be much of a party for your wedding!

MarieClaire78 · 25-08-2012 3:03pm

Dostoevsky wrote: »

I feel likewise when I discover somebody I had regard for is mean. It puts all their positive characteristics in perspective. It's not nice seeing that side of somebody.

The short answer: there are mean people, and some incredibly mean people. It is better you are made aware of them now. Take note, keep it in mind, and if generosity is important to you and these people could afford to be but chose to be mean, then you know where they fit in your network. In the end they come off worst. Money comes and goes, but once a couple get a reputation for being mean they are kept at arms' length, and usually end up being the recipients of passive aggressive sneers by everybody who has experience of their meanness.

Thanks Dostoevsky..... that's exactly it, it was not an issue of affordability for any of these friends, rather its a case of a "choice" not to even give a card.... but you're right better to find out now...

MarieClaire78 · 25-08-2012 3:05pm

tdavfc wrote: »

Maybe she thought she give you a present. Maybe it was lost on the day, lots of people give cards with money in them on the wedding day. She could be thinking you're the ungreatful cow for not thanking her A friend that attended our wedding swore she give us a card on the day until she used her handbag years later and found the card & bank draft in the card. She was mortified, I thought it was very funny as it was in pounds and we were in euro for a long long time. Give the girl the benefit of the doubt and move on.

Afraid not, she did a bit of a "must drop it over" line months ago and no mention since.....

amdublin · 25-08-2012 3:06pm

I think it's mean to expect a present / a gesture.

For me having my friends around me to celebrate my big day is enough.

I want my friends prescence not their presents.

meisha · 25-08-2012 3:07pm

if i could not afford a wedding i would simlpy tick "cannot attend" i really do think its bad form not to bring ANYTHING for the bride and groom,especially family but as I said im over it now..I dont treat these people any different but if they got married I dont know if I would even go..they had 18 months to save for my wedding and it was in Dublin

MarieClaire78 · 25-08-2012 3:07pm

amdublin wrote: »

MarieClaire - Did you invite your friends for their presence or their presents?

Missing the point amdublin, at a very minimum there is a genuine issue of basic good manners and etiquette here....

amdublin · 25-08-2012 3:08pm

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

Afraid not, she did a bit of a "must drop it over" line months ago and no mention since.....

Yeah that was months ago. Time to let it go and get on with living your lufe and enjoying married life.

That you are still even thinking about presents (or a "gesture") a year after your wedding makes you sound like the mean person

MarieClaire78 · 25-08-2012 3:09pm

meisha wrote: »

if i could not afford a wedding i would simlpy tick "cannot attend" i really do think its bad form not to bring ANYTHING for the bride and groom,especially family but as I said im over it now..I dont treat these people any different but if they got married I dont know if I would even go..they had 18 months to save for my wedding and it was in Dublin

Absolutely, I would not attend a wedding if I could not afford to bring a decent present with me. I'd rather not get a new outfit or stay in the hotel, i'd put the money towards the present first....but not everyone is like us it seems Meisha..

ynul31f47k6b59 · 25-08-2012 3:09pm

My initial reaction was 'Oh my god, what an ungrateful so-and-so' but to be honest, it would annoy me too.

I'd never go to any kind of celebration for anything without bringing something, but some people are just not like that. Where we differ is on the issue of 'recycled' presents - I don't mind if I'm given something that someone else won't use, it's still some kind of token and may have eased a bit of financial pressure for someone.

If they are really close friends, I'm shocked that they didn't give you a card or small gift. I have, though, come across people who think they are exempt from giving cards/gifts because they genuinely think they've contributed something before an event, so maybe have a think?

Don't start playing the 'We gave them X when they got married' game, that was done of your own accord and their salaries or overheads have nothing to do with an amount of cash YOU decided on.

Just look at it this way - you had a lovely day, you got married (which is the whole point of a wedding and often forgotten) and you gave your friends and family a lovely day. I wouldn't hold my breath now for a gift to be honest, but chalk it up to experience and perhaps be a little wary of the gifts you give to certain people in the future x

amdublin · 25-08-2012 3:10pm

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

Missing the point amdublin, at a very minimum there is a genuine issue of basic good manners and etiquette here....

Yes and in my opinion good manners is not coming on to an internet forum a year after your wedding giving out that you did not get a present.

Very crass in my opinion.

Glendambo · 25-08-2012 3:14pm

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

Dont regret that at all, gifts arent meant to recoup our costs- our wedding was v expesnsive and that ws our choice. We just had a v generous day for our friends and guests, and even if we'd had a party down the pub I would have expected a card and small gesture.....

You've completely contradicted the above with what is quoted below..

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

And to top it off, another well to do friend had just dropped over a set of clearly "recycled form their own wedding" cheap crystal glasses. My hubbie and I gave them €300 for their wedding two years ago...... He let slip last week recently that they earn €160k between them and arent at all in financial pressure.....it just seems so mean ( their food /each cost €140 on the day and was lavish!)

The fact that you slate the glasses you were given just shows that you most certainly would not be happy with a card and small gesture. You chose to give €300, you chose to spend a fortune on your wedding, and if thats what makes you happy then good for you. You appear to have spent this money with the expectation that people would respond in kind.

You sound extremely materialistic. Its been a year, why on earth can't you let this go? If you want to judge your friendships based on how much money they did or didn't stump up for your "lavish" day then go for it. If I were on the receiving end of this judgement this is most certainly a friendship I wouldn't miss.

MarieClaire78 · 25-08-2012 3:14pm

pm1977x wrote: »

You do seem very materialistic though, can't move on and forget it, yet annoyed when you DO get a gift from someone else and write it off as 'recycled' and 'cheap' - so what, it was a gift! (but it was cheaper than the gift you gave them so doesn't count) You don't really seem to get the whole spirit of gift-giving and receiving. It all seems terribly petty.

I'd never give a clearly recycled wedding gift or pass on a gift to anyone. I'd make time and effort to choose one that suited the couple..I think thats the spirit of gift giving..I think its really tacky to pass on something unloved........ knowing someone you have made a big effort for in the past ( travelling for a wedding and giving a large gift), giving you a cheap recycled glasses set is disappointing.....can pretend I feel otherwise. You say petty, i say upsetting, hurtful, thoughtless, and in their case, a bit mean as they could well afford it.....

Stingy Wedding Presents & None at All

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