Confused over guy

ShaShaBear · 18-08-2012 10:34PM

Confused854 wrote: »

I guess your right. Just so hard to believe by reading back his messages over the past 2 months, I'm normally spot on in sizing people up and working them out. Live and learn I guess.

Your heart is far more invested into this situation than in most others I imagine. But there are no two ways about it, he originally told you he liked you and that all these obstacles were no big feat and he'd really like to continue seeing you.

Then you got into bed with him.

Now these obstacles are too much for him and a relationship is off the cards.

But, contact, casual sex, and using you is not.

LegacyUser · 19-08-2012 01:34AM

Thanks everyone you've been a huge help. I suppose I have been played this time. Still don't get why he didn't just try to get me home one of the numerous nights beforehand but guess I'l never know why.

And one thing that's just playing on my mind at the moment is about the whole puking incident. Maybe this is the wrong place to ask this question but if for instance my drink was spiked could that be the cause of it? Now I know absolutely nothing about drugs but if something was put in my drink would it be possible that it would cause an immediate reaction like that? As I said I felt quite fine, happy out tipsy sort of state but not polluted enough to suddenly violently throw up and have memory lose for those few minutes afterwards. Now I really don't want to suggest that it was him, maybe he is a bit of a player but I really don't think he'd do that.
I'v always been able to handle my drink fairly well, I get drunk occasionally but I have never thrown up on a night out, the next day yes sometimes or maybe even when I'v gotten home and been lying in bed a while I could feel a little quesy and just know I'd feel better for getting sick but never have I felt like what I felt that night. It just puzzles me, think I only had 1 small glass of wine and 5 or 6-ish pints of bulmers spread out over about 5 hours.

Man with a problem · 19-08-2012 02:50PM

Contrary to others here I don't think he used you - sounds to me like he does not know what he wants.
I'm guessing he has a kind of girl friend back in college and was feeling guilty about cheating on her at the same time as liking you. One way or another he is feeling guilty - you are a bit coy about his "losing it" but that sounds to me like guilt more than anything
Women always think that confronting the guy - as in challenging him - will resolve the situation - it doesn't? Men think it straight lines and don't like to be threatened emotionally and that is what a confrontation is. Much better that you say what you want from the relationship and see how he responds.
Bottom line here is move on - always let him chase you - if you like him, give him a little encouragement - too many women are too hard assed with guys, even if they like them and the guys get confused
I doubt your drink was spiked - I do not know what height and weight you are but with 5 pints of cider and a small glass of wine you had at least 14 units of alcohol (more if it was a higher alcohol wine, more if your small glass was actually a medium glass); each unit takes an hour to clear your body. If you drank that much on an empty stomach there is every possibility that stomach was irritated and could not cope with the volume and you barfed.
I hope you used a condom; if not you should as a precaution get checked for STIs.

Dockington · 19-08-2012 03:36PM

It really does sound like he is attracted to u on some level but does not want a relationship with you. Im surprised at his age, i think i behaved like that when i was 18-22 stringing girls along, not having the balls to tell them straight up that i was only interested in a bit of fun. Most lads grow outa that by his age.

He gave u his answer and dont for a second think it was anything got to do with u getting sick on the night out or anything you have done. Its all him. Im ashamed to say it but i do recognise the behaviour from my own years back and i think the best thing you could do is forget him and ignore any future texts from him. U sound like a nice caring girl and u dont need him.

LegacyUser · 19-08-2012 04:31PM

Man with a problem wrote: »

Contrary to others here I don't think he used you - sounds to me like he does not know what he wants.
I'm guessing he has a kind of girl friend back in college and was feeling guilty about cheating on her at the same time as liking you. One way or another he is feeling guilty - you are a bit coy about his "losing it" but that sounds to me like guilt more than anything

That thought crossed my mind but thought I was just making excuses for him. He has lived where he goes to college for the past few years and didn't seem ashamed to be seen out with me, his facebook status is set as single so don't think there's a girlfriend on the scene.
One thing I will say is he used to have a photo on his facebook page (I know I know facebook really is a curse at times!) of himself and a girl (not unusual and not something that would cause me to think twice, I have photo's with lads too) but judging by them both I would hazard a guess that they weren't just friends or family, it was posted up not long after we met but could've been taken at any stage, the photo was removed a few weeks ago. So maybe there is more to things than I know.

[/QUOTE] Women always think that confronting the guy - as in challenging him - will resolve the situation - it doesn't? Men think it straight lines and don't like to be threatened emotionally and that is what a confrontation is. Much better that you say what you want from the relationship and see how he responds.
Bottom line here is move on - always let him chase you - if you like him, give him a little encouragement - too many women are too hard assed with guys, even if they like them and the guys get confused[/QUOTE]

Oh how I would love to spend a day in a man's mind to understand how they think!

[/QUOTE] I doubt your drink was spiked - I do not know what height and weight you are but with 5 pints of cider and a small glass of wine you had at least 14 units of alcohol (more if it was a higher alcohol wine, more if your small glass was actually a medium glass); each unit takes an hour to clear your body. If you drank that much on an empty stomach there is every possibility that stomach was irritated and could not cope with the volume and you barfed.
I hope you used a condom; if not you should as a precaution get checked for STIs. [/QUOTE]

I'm quite small framed. Interesting, guess I'l know my limits for again. We did, would never take that chance.

Dockington- As I said others did tell me he was a little immature for his age, certainly doesn't act it at all. I guess you don't know what people do in private but I do know a few people that know him and they all said nice guy, not a user. A friend has been to most of their gigs and would've told me if she thought he just uses the chance to pick up girls. Another guy I know goes to college with him and said the same.

Live and learn, life experience and learn from mistakes and all that. There's very few things I regret in life, I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

Tenzing · 19-08-2012 06:53PM

If you feel the urge to text him, try and leave it for a short while. Maybe a month or so. Let the dust settle a bit and take time out from the situation. It's all been said and done for now but if you think you would like to still be in touch the future text him a hello or something when you are in a better place.

daisybelle2008 · 19-08-2012 07:33PM

Confused854 wrote: »

Thanks everyone you've been a huge help. I suppose I have been played this time. Still don't get why he didn't just try to get me home one of the numerous nights beforehand but guess I'l never know why.

And one thing that's just playing on my mind at the moment is about the whole puking incident. Maybe this is the wrong place to ask this question but if for instance my drink was spiked could that be the cause of it? Now I know absolutely nothing about drugs but if something was put in my drink would it be possible that it would cause an immediate reaction like that? As I said I felt quite fine, happy out tipsy sort of state but not polluted enough to suddenly violently throw up and have memory lose for those few minutes afterwards. Now I really don't want to suggest that it was him, maybe he is a bit of a player but I really don't think he'd do that.
I'v always been able to handle my drink fairly well, I get drunk occasionally but I have never thrown up on a night out, the next day yes sometimes or maybe even when I'v gotten home and been lying in bed a while I could feel a little quesy and just know I'd feel better for getting sick but never have I felt like what I felt that night. It just puzzles me, think I only had 1 small glass of wine and 5 or 6-ish pints of bulmers spread out over about 5 hours.

OP, I don't believe you were 'used' or 'played', you had consensual sex (you said you jumped him!). He clearly doesn't want the same things you want and he doesn't owe you a relationship just because you had sex with him. To be blunt about it you come accross very needy and insecure. This may have been off putting as he got to know you. He is entitled to change his feelings, it doesn't mean he is stringing you along. At this stage to be still going over the ins and outs of the puking incident is really pointless, you seem to be beating your self up and blaming it inordinately for his change of heart. Give yourself space and don't get into situations where you are way more into the other person then they are into you. Worthwhile romances are balanced and drama free and feel good. All this second guessing and obsessing is not healthy.

Joshua J · 19-08-2012 08:20PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, I don't believe you were 'used' or 'played', you had consensual sex (you said you jumped him!). He clearly doesn't want the same things you want and he doesn't owe you a relationship just because you had sex with him. To be blunt about it you come accross very needy and insecure. This may have been off putting as he got to know you. He is entitled to change his feelings, it doesn't mean he is stringing you along. At this stage to be still going over the ins and outs of the puking incident is really pointless, you seem to be beating your self up and blaming it inordinately for his change of heart. Give yourself space and don't get into situations where you are way more into the other person then they are into you. Worthwhile romances are balanced and drama free and feel good. All this second guessing and obsessing is not healthy.

I'm glad you wrote that cause I was putting it down to me being hungover that I couldn't see waht he'd done wrong. Thought some of the comments about him were a bit harsh.

tricialou · 19-08-2012 10:44PM

Hi
Sorry but I dont think you should be worried about throwing up - i think your just blaming yourself for that! We all throw up sometimes! If he really liked you he would joke about it and you would nt feel bad! Dont beat yourself up! It sounds like this guy wants to be single and is letting you know he does if he changed his fb profile to single! You even took the initiative to ask him for another chance to redeem yourself and he did nt take you up on the offer- I would say dont text him- it sounds like you text him and then he texts you back - trust me if he liked you he would text you ! Get rid of him and clear the way for the next one- that wont make you feel embarassed! Dont feel bad about him either- it happens to the best of us!!!

LegacyUser · 19-08-2012 10:53PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, I don't believe you were 'used' or 'played', you had consensual sex (you said you jumped him!). He clearly doesn't want the same things you want and he doesn't owe you a relationship just because you had sex with him. To be blunt about it you come accross very needy and insecure. This may have been off putting as he got to know you. He is entitled to change his feelings, it doesn't mean he is stringing you along. At this stage to be still going over the ins and outs of the puking incident is really pointless, you seem to be beating your self up and blaming it inordinately for his change of heart. Give yourself space and don't get into situations where you are way more into the other person then they are into you. Worthwhile romances are balanced and drama free and feel good. All this second guessing and obsessing is not healthy.

Yes you are right in certain respects. I know I have quite an obsessive and addictive personality and to be honest I suffer from depression on and off for a few years, I go through periods of highs and lows. I have been on one of these huge up periods constantly since I met him and I suppose now that I think of it I was clinging on to this 'thing' that was causing this huge high sort of like an addiction, and when I lost it I sunk way back down again. Unrelated I have a rocky relationship with family lately and I know I'm pushing them away but cannot help it, also a lot of old feelings of loss have been dug up again recently about a family member that died suddenly a number of years ago and for some reason he keeps popping into my head. I just have a lot going on lately that's causing huge amounts of stress and everything has just piled up at once at the same time as losing the thing (I say the thing because similar episodes have happened before caused by other triggers) that was causing my sort of high period this last while. I know I need to seek help and I will.

I know it looks like I'v been harping on and on and analysing every little detail but it's what I do with everything. Thinking, writing things down and talking are my ways of coping and being able to talk amongst strangers and seek advice and opinions anonymously is oddly comforting. Now I think this thread has run it's course and there's no point really in discussing things further. I also feel bad discussing someone and putting up private details about them while they are judged by strangers who don't know them even though there are no identifying details, so I think it might be a good idea if this could be locked before anymore is said. Thanks to everyone for the help.

LegacyUser · 19-08-2012 11:01PM

The throwing up incident is irrelevant. It looks to me like this guy isn't interested in a relationship and is running to the hills. He has changed his mind for some reason. I would be amazed if it was to do with you throwing up.

In my life I've lost sight of the real issue when I've been seeing guys. For instance, I was once in what I thought was a fledgeling relationship with a guy. Then had to go on a week's holidays that had been booked before I'd even met him. It stalled things with him and at the time I was a bit annoyed that this holiday had gotten in the way. As things turned out, he was no more into me than the man on the moon and he only wanted me for sex. I cringe when I think about it now but that is the way I felt then.

Usually if a person fancies you, they will make it their business to see you. Ignored texts, ignored calls, sporadic contact, texts at weird hours of the night and contact when you're drunk are all hallmarks of someone who sees you as little more than friends with benefits.

Ickle Magoo · 20-08-2012 03:17AM

Confused854 wrote: »

Now I think this thread has run it's course and there's no point really in discussing things further. I also feel bad discussing someone and putting up private details about them while they are judged by strangers who don't know them even though there are no identifying details, so I think it might be a good idea if this could be locked before anymore is said. Thanks to everyone for the help.

Thread locked - as requested.

All the best. :cool:

Confused over guy

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