Confused over guy

LegacyUser

I feel like such an idiot. I met this guy 2 months ago through mutual friends at a gig, we hit it off immediately even my friend said she felt left out of the conversation altogether as soon as she introduced us. We chatted for a while that night and as soon as I left he added me on facebook and continued the conversation all night. The next day he gave me his number and basically every single day since then we've been texting and facebook chatting since.

We didn't meet again after that for another 2 weeks until another gig and again we hit it off again this time with a lot of flirting and kissing initiated from both sides. Again the chat continued on as normal afterwards, it was never really spoken about what would happen next, during and after nights out he would constantly text and ring me and it was obvious he wanted me. As the weeks went on it got a little more serious, by day it was normal friendly chat between 2 people who obviously liked each other, with any amount of drink on him it got more serious, constantly asking me to come out with him, telling me he was so happy to have met me, x's and babes and I want you heres etc etc..

It was another 3 weeks before I met him at another gig. 4 days previous to that we had said goodnight to each other after a chat and for some reason he never contacted me until the gig, call it a bit petty but I was waiting for him to text me first those few days (up to that it was half and half as to who made first contact) and after 4 days of nothing I presumed he'd moved on or something had happened. As a result I sort of drank too much before the gig, I was hammered but everyone tells me in a happy sort of way that I wasn't a mess or made a fool of myself. He did talk to me that night but later on in the night I didn't remember and sent him a text asking is he not talking to me anymore and what was wrong, he replied saying sorry that he had been a bit off lately. Next day things went back to normal and we went back to chatting every day.

Then I went abroad for 2 weeks and after that things got a lot more heavy. Before I went away I had said I would be going out in the town where he's from when I got home and if he was around to meet up with me (I rarely ever go out in the town he lives in because I don't have a way home from it or know anyone else there to got out with). While away then he regularly (but again with drink) told me he missed me and couldn't wait for our night out. Even while he was drunk one night he seemed to get very upset about how we were going to manage being together once we both go back to college (our colleges are only an hour and a half from each other), kept saying he really wanted to try but didn't think it would work because I'd never want to see him, in the end we settled that we'd give it a go. Again once sober nothing more was said about this. Another drunken night out and we stayed up all night together having text sex! Again this night he suggested that we would be an item after meeting up when I came home. The next day he did refer to the night before and after that we were texting near constant. Before I came home then he stayed up because my flight was late night/early morning and it was the first time he said he missed me while sober.

Fast forward then a few days and it comes to this night out. We meet up early go to his house, the chat is slightly awkward or slow (first time we both met each other completely stone sober) but otherwise fine, we drink some wine watch telly then head out. Once out and after a pint or two things are going really really well and we both loosen up. Fast forward through the night and things go progressively better, more flirting, arms round each other few kisses etc. We had headed out awful early so had started drinking very early and while I had felt quite sober I obviously wasn't. Fast forward to pint number 6-ish and I suddenly felt very sick. I have never gotten sick on a night out from drink and I have drank a lot more than that night, I suddenly went from feeling sober to twisted, threw up in the pub, we left then and walked up to get food. When I think back there's a big blank from throwing up to getting back to his place. I seemed to sober up once back at his yet still felt sick and again threw up. I really don't know what happened, dodgy pint or spiked drink? Or just plain drank too much? He said I didn't seem drunk at all, no stumbling around and the sickness just came on me suddenly.

We slept together that night anyways, I don't feel he took advantage of me I had ample opportunity to say no and it was pretty much me that jumped him, but he knew I felt like **** about throwing up, he kept telling me not to worry about it and he's done it before too. Next morning there was plenty of cuddling and spooning and we slept together again. Once we got up things got awkward, conversation was slow, there was a question mark as to when I'd go home, I didn't want to jump and seem too eager to go and when I mentioned about going before his friend arrived it was sort of half heartedly mumbled you don't have to he won't mind. When I left there was an awkward sort of goodbye kiss and hug I'l text you later.

I didn't get a text then that night until 4am after he'd been out again with this friend, but he fell asleep after 2 replies. He text me the next day explaining he fell asleep and again there was normal chat for a while but nothing at all said about the night before, he said he was going back to bed for a while and then nothing until I text that night, again chatted for a while before I went to bed. Heard nothing the next day so I sent him a text explaining how I was really sorry about the mess I was in sat night and could we go out again some other night to show I'm not a complete mess or something to that degree anyways. I got a text back just saying don't worry about it we all get wasted every now and again, I replied again explaining how I hadn't planned on getting into that state blah blah blah and asked again would there be no chance then of another night to redeem myself. Have heard nothing back since and that was Tuesday. Before I sent the first text apologising he had changed his relationship status on facebook to single (it had just been just blank).

So there ya go, I know I'v wrote an essay and anyone who reads through it all deserves a medal, it just helps me to write it all down to sort through it in my head as I'm just really confused now as to what has happened, apart from me making a fool of myself.
People say drunken words are sober thoughts, is this always true, I had really thought we had hit it off so well and going by him I had thought he'd want to take it further. So now I don't know is everything ****ed up, is this just morning after awkwardness or am I thinking too much? The mutual friends all said that he was a nice guy, maybe immature at times especially when it comes to going out and drinking, but that they didn't think he was a user or womaniser. I'v no idea what to do next now? Leave it be and wait until he gets the balls to talk to me again, or should I text him acting normal. There's very very slim chance of just bumping into him anywhere again. Feel like crap over the whole thing and wish I could reverse back and not drink half as much. Again apologies for writing an essay.

R.D. aka MR.D

Hmmm... I really feel for you. It's a difficult situation to call.

If i were in your position though I wouldn't text him again. Just wait for him to contact you and if he doesn't well then he's not worth thinking about.

Don't blame yourself for getting too drunk, it happens! If he really likes you he would look past that.

Just wait and see what happens.

Greenduck

The first night one of my friends met her other half she got sick ON him. They are together 4years and have a baby now so dont be worrying about it. Everyone gets too drunk and sick sometimes.

He does sound interested, but I think at this stage you should stop the texts. You have already apologised and if you keep doing it, it might seem a bit much.

Also if you do meet up again, I would recommend doing it completely sober. You both seem to rely on alcohol to communicate which in itself is not a great basis for a relationship.

LegacyUser

Well yesterday evening I just sent a normal hi how are you message. I kept reading back over texts and things seemed normal up until I sent the apology text so I just wanted to see. Got a reply back over 3 hours later saying sorry and an explanation for the late reply, a handful more texts followed, normal enough chat on both sides I think, said he may be going out tonight. When the replies stopped I presumed he'd gone out (he rarely has credit, occassionally sends facebook messages while out if possible) and I'd get a text when he got in. In 2 months I don't think there's been any night he's gone out and not text me at some stage either while out or when he got in. But I heard nothing all night.

So I don't know now, even more confused. Think I'm not going to text again and wait and see does he text me. It'l be hard but I think it's the only way. He has to know by now how I stand on it and I obviously don't want to end things so balls in his court. Really thought he'd contact me last night. I just don't understand how he could go from liking me (and reading through old texts clearly a lot, and it definitely wasn't all me starting it) to not wanting to contact me at all.

Greenduck wrote: »

Also if you do meet up again, I would recommend doing it completely sober. You both seem to rely on alcohol to communicate which in itself is not a great basis for a relationship.

Oh trust me if I'm ever lucky enough to get another night with him I'l be sober as a judge! Well not so much relying on alcohol to communicate, we never had any trouble communicating while sober it's just the best way I could describe it was it was like texting your best friend with some playful banter and slight flirting while sober. Then when drunk (or just drink involved) thats when things between us progressed further.
Think he just uses drink as a confidence booster, I noticed before the second time I met him he was awful nervous and couldn't even make eye contact until he'd had at least 1 or 2 pints, and when I met him this time he seemed awful nervous too.

The other thing is I'm 20 he's 27 (but were both at college, both really at the same stage in life, I would call myself mature for my age and him possibly quite immature), I'v asked him before is our age a problem and he said it wasn't but now I'm wondering now that he's seen I can't handle my drink does age suddenly become a problem.

Also and I didn't really want to say this but I was a virgin, sort of blurted it out at the point of no return, not sure what his reply was but I know he heard me. The sex was good that night. Next morning we went at it again but he lost it twice, and after the second time he got pissed off with himself and gave up, he said sorry the first time and I told him not to worry I don't mind but after he gave up the second time there was nothing said about it, we just lay beside each other (no cuddling) and chatted about the night before. So I also wonder if it was him or me, and if it was me and I was that bad is that why he's not contacting me.

shelly818

i'm kinda of in the weird limbo situation with a guy like yourself, and what I have been advised to do is to back off a bit and see how he reacts, i have backed off and the guy in question has suddenly making moves again.

It sounds like he does like you but may be too shy/nervous to make a move while sober as the majority of your interactions have been while you've been drinking.
The other thing is that he might just have a lot going on!


I hope everything works out for you

Cupcake_Crisis

I agree with shelly, I'd back off a bit and give yourself a bit of breathing room. I know it's a LOT easier said than done, but it will give you a chance to assess if the relationship is really worth all this hassle, and will give him a chance to see what he's missing.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys. I was out last night, he knew I was out and made no effort to contact me nor did I meet him anywhere so I'm going to sit on my thumbs and wait it out, it's hard but I think it's the right thing to do too. There's a gig coming up in 2 weeks time anyways that he'l be at so if there's a few going I might go too.

Be interesting to hear some guy's opinions on it too if there's any on here?

Healthis

Hi OP I'm a guy and sorry to tell you that this guy is just not that into you. Move on, you deserve better and you will find it.

astonaidan

Also a guy, Id say forget him to be honest!

LegacyUser

Op i have to say my gut instinct while reading the first half of your post was that he was stringing you along with the hopes of using you as a fcuk buddy for a while. I'd imagine once he found out you were a virgin, it made him feel guilty or maybe that you wouldn't be the ' type ' to engage in such activities so he jumped ship. As for him being nervous around you, that makes no odds imho, I'm painfully shy but if i like someone, I'll let them know. Also the fact that he never bothered actually arranging a proper date with you would indicate that he was only in it for sex. Just my opinion op and I'm a girl but having been in a similar situation before i can spot guys like him miles away at this stage. unless you're happy to accept a friends with benefits situation with this guy (which is fine, but I'd warn youre too emotionally invested in him for it to ever end well) then even if he does get back in contact I'd steer well clear tbh. Stop blaming yourself too, you did nothing wrong, he just never had any intentions of a proper relationship. All the best op.

Ellsbells

OP sadly he got what he wanted when you slept with him. You are worth more than chasing after some guy who is running in the opposite direction. forget him.

LegacyUser

Direchhhhh wrote: »

Op i have to say my gut instinct while reading the first half of your post was that he was stringing you along with the hopes of using you as a fcuk buddy for a while. I'd imagine once he found out you were a virgin, it made him feel guilty or maybe that you wouldn't be the ' type ' to engage in such activities so he jumped ship.

I'm beginning to think that this is true. If it is he was damn good at it, knows exactly what to do and say, even once said he didn't want to be leading me on that he wasn't the type to do that, that he really wanted to give things a go and wanted it to work out between us. Just don't get why he didn't just try and get what he wanted sooner, all the other times I met him he didn't seem to be trying to get me home with him at all. Why do some guys seem to be such pricks underneath it all.

Ellsbells

Don't try to figure him out as you will never manage it. Move on and meet someone nice

LegacyUser

So he text me last night out of the blue completely normal chat til late at night when he went to bed. Heard nothing so far today but that can be fairly normal anyways. Don't know what to make of it. If I hear nothing later should I carry on as normal and send him a text or just let him put in all the effort for a while to see if he's interested?

I think I'm definitely going to go to that upcoming gig and ask him straight out what the story is. As much as I really like him and enjoy talking to him it'l hurt me too much to just be dragged constantly like this, either he wants me or he doesn't by now.

ShaShaBear

It might be worth your while to do the confronting via text IMO, in case it is hurtful what you hear back, you don't want to be stuck looking at his face all night in a gig!
Although from what Ive read, it sounds mostly like your telling him you were a virgin might have done it. Now, you were well within your rights to tell him, but he might feel uncomfortable in taking a young girl's virginity in something that is not yet a serious relationship, and any contact you initiate could make him think you will be clingy as a result. He could also have asked a male friend for advice, and I know a lot of these will say "Ignore!" if they don't fully understand exchanges on both sides.

Ellsbells

Confused854 wrote: »

ask him straight out what the story is

Hon its obvious what the story is..... If he wanted to see you, after getting the green light cos you slept with him, he would be asking. Dont text him. Let him come after you if you want to knwo if he is interested or not.

LegacyUser

ShaShaBear wrote: »

It might be worth your while to do the confronting via text IMO, in case it is hurtful what you hear back, you don't want to be stuck looking at his face all night in a gig!
Although from what Ive read, it sounds mostly like your telling him you were a virgin might have done it. Now, you were well within your rights to tell him, but he might feel uncomfortable in taking a young girl's virginity in something that is not yet a serious relationship, and any contact you initiate could make him think you will be clingy as a result. He could also have asked a male friend for advice, and I know a lot of these will say "Ignore!" if they don't fully understand exchanges on both sides.

I would confront him over text it's just I'd be afraid he wouldn't reply and that would upset me even more. At least face to face he has to say something. If I went I'd have a good friend with me anyways so I wouldn't worry about sitting looking at him all night upsetting me. Oh for god sakes I hope it wasn't the whole virginity thing, it was never a big deal to me and I wasn't looking to marry the guy I lost it to, just wanted it to be with someone I at least knew, trusted and felt comfortable with, didn't want a ONS.

I don't want to come across as clingy, I don't think I am. To me clingy would be sending him multiple hysterical messages and calls a day even when he doesn't reply. So far if he texts I reply as normal, if I text first he replies but I certainly don't keep sending messages if I don't get a reply, never did. But would sending him a normal how's things sort of message tonight come across as clingy, he initiated contact sunday night and there was no contact yesterday.

I just don't get why he would keep up contact? Some sort of guilt? Still wants to talk to me but just not start up anything serious? So he doesn't come across as an a**hole, we have sort of a mutual friend (closer to me than him) but is close to cousins of this mutual friend and I would imagine word will eventually get back, it would probably look better if he could say well ya I kept up contact with her like a nice guy and she just wasn't having any of it? Is he waiting on me to make first contact next to see if I'm still interested?

ShaShaBear

Confused854 wrote: »

I would confront him over text it's just I'd be afraid he wouldn't reply and that would upset me even more. At least face to face he has to say something. If I went I'd have a good friend with me anyways so I wouldn't worry about sitting looking at him all night upsetting me. Oh for god sakes I hope it wasn't the whole virginity thing, it was never a big deal to me and I wasn't looking to marry the guy I lost it to, just wanted it to be with someone I at least knew, trusted and felt comfortable with, didn't want a ONS.

I don't want to come across as clingy, I don't think I am. To me clingy would be sending him multiple hysterical messages and calls a day even when he doesn't reply. So far if he texts I reply as normal, if I text first he replies but I certainly don't keep sending messages if I don't get a reply, never did. But would sending him a normal how's things sort of message tonight come across as clingy, he initiated contact sunday night and there was no contact yesterday.

I just don't get why he would keep up contact? Some sort of guilt? Still wants to talk to me but just not start up anything serious? So he doesn't come across as an a**hole, we have sort of a mutual friend (closer to me than him) but is close to cousins of this mutual friend and I would imagine word will eventually get back, it would probably look better if he could say well ya I kept up contact with her like a nice guy and she just wasn't having any of it? Is he waiting on me to make first contact next to see if I'm still interested?

If he is, it sounds like game-playing, and that to me isn't normal after two months. It wouldn't seem clingy but I would imagine if he can go that long without talking to you, he probably doesn't feel then need to text you. Someone who really liked you would keep in contact.

The only thing I can say about text confrontation is it gives him the opportunity to be honest and save face (while still a cowardly way for him to tell you), as face-to-face in front of people you both know, he might be embarrassed and lie to you to save face.

He *could* like you, but if you text him and say you don't feel he is on the same page as you with feelings about what has been going on, and you don't have time for games, he will jump to the bait and explain himself. Most honest men who play games do so because they think they have to, and while maintaining your dignity it gives him the go-ahead for dropping the barriers and letting you in.
If he doesn't really like you, there are any amount of good reasons why he would keep in touch - you've shown him that if he ignores you for a bit, you still come back for more, which is an ego boost and a liferaft for him. You're at a gig, he's not getting lucky, suddenly he's friendly with you again. Or he could simply have been looking for a fling and feels a bit rotten over taking your virginity.

Either way, I personally think a non-agressive challenge over text will give him the chance to be honest and set you straight, whereas a face-to-face meeting putting him on the spot (if he is dishonest or using you) will force him to lie to you further to save face.

Ellsbells

He is in contact from time to time to keep his options open.

LegacyUser

ShaShaBear wrote: »

If he is, it sounds like game-playing, and that to me isn't normal after two months. It wouldn't seem clingy but I would imagine if he can go that long without talking to you, he probably doesn't feel then need to text you. Someone who really liked you would keep in contact.

The only thing I can say about text confrontation is it gives him the opportunity to be honest and save face (while still a cowardly way for him to tell you), as face-to-face in front of people you both know, he might be embarrassed and lie to you to save face.

He *could* like you, but if you text him and say you don't feel he is on the same page as you with feelings about what has been going on, and you don't have time for games, he will jump to the bait and explain himself. Most honest men who play games do so because they think they have to, and while maintaining your dignity it gives him the go-ahead for dropping the barriers and letting you in.
If he doesn't really like you, there are any amount of good reasons why he would keep in touch - you've shown him that if he ignores you for a bit, you still come back for more, which is an ego boost and a liferaft for him. You're at a gig, he's not getting lucky, suddenly he's friendly with you again. Or he could simply have been looking for a fling and feels a bit rotten over taking your virginity.

Either way, I personally think a non-agressive challenge over text will give him the chance to be honest and set you straight, whereas a face-to-face meeting putting him on the spot (if he is dishonest or using you) will force him to lie to you further to save face.

Thanks for the advice, I'l text him later on. I know a lot of you (and my friends) said just drop him but I honestly can't without knowing either way, if you had read the texts and messages and been there when we were together you'd understand why.

Fight_Night

Seems to me that things are only going well when one or both of you have a few drinks in you. That to me is a no no, if you aren't good together when sober then you have no chance in the long term.

ShaShaBear

Confused854 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, I'l text him later on. I know a lot of you (and my friends) said just drop him but I honestly can't without knowing either way, if you had read the texts and messages and been there when we were together you'd understand why.

I definitely wouldn't drop him, if I dropped a guy for the same reasons you're being told to drop this one, I wouldn't be engaged now and planning a wedding

Hence why I say the text - if he's terrified of letting you in or is just very shy, which the drink helps with, he will be absolutely relieved to know you feel the same and this will alleviate most of the stress.
If he can't be bothered, he'll probably tell you via this texting, to avoid having to deal with you face-to-face.

If you confront him face to face and he is shy or a dishonest man, it probably won't solve the problem :rolleyes:

Best of luck and I do know what you mean about the content of texts, people would have said the same thing about my OH only for they didn't know what he said to me in private

LegacyUser

Well I sent him a text, basically asking have we been on the same page, I don't want to play games and can I be set straight. Got a long text back in the middle of the night last night explaining everything, basically once we both go back to college he doesn't think we'l have the time to have any sort of relationship, he's also not really looking for a relationship at the moment with anyone, he does like me but it's just not the right time. Now either he's good at brushing me off nicely but I also want to believe he's telling the truth. I do see where he's coming from about not having time to see each other, I'm going into my final year in college and where I live it is a bit of hassle to get in to see him, neither of us drive so it's not like we can just pop around to see each other whenever we want. And call me an idiot willing to believe anything a guy says but I suppose I don't really know what's going on in his life right now.

So I suppose that's it. I'm heartbroken nothing came of it and I will miss having him as a friend to talk to. I suppose time will tell, if he's telling the truth maybe in the future sometime when things are different if we're still willing to give things a try it might work out better but for now at least I know where I stand.

Ellsbells

Yeah you know where you stand and can move on from it. Just be aware that he may try to keep up the contact or be interested in a FWB situation. Dont go down that route unless you are sure you can handle it.

ShaShaBear

At least your head is clear now and you can move on!

LegacyUser

Well he has already been in contact, he text me today at half four acting completely normal asking how am I today and some comment about the weather. I set things straight and said I didn't want to come across as being thick with him but why was he texting me after what was said last night, that as much as I wanted to keep texting as normal I didn't think it was such a good idea. He replied saying that I'm probably right, he'l probably see me around sometime, good luck with college and bye. I replied that I hope I didn't come across as a bitch when I said that, I'v felt like ****e all day to be honest, that I wanted to be on talking terms with him and that I wanted to keep texting him it's just could we leave it a few days first, I wished him good luck with everything and told him to look after himself. There was no more said.

Seeing the word bye has really shook me. I do want to keep in touch with him I don't want to lose him as a friend and someone to talk to but I think I need a few days to get my head straight first.

He's hardly just still trying to see if he can use me for sex is he? I'm so up and down that I can't make head nor tail of it.

Ellsbells

if you only wanted to text every few days you should have only replied in a couple of days or else told him as much.

I still think he is keeping his options open.

Why let him melt your head??? You got your answer from him. Dont let this ruin the rest of your summer.

He is playing with your head but the problem is that you are letting him.

why would you bother continuing to text him?

LegacyUser

I'm really not sure why. I have no wish to post any texts or messages here but this whole thing to me didn't seem like just do anything to get her into bed, there seemed to be more to it and I dunno maybe there is. I definitely don't want to leave things just how they are now. And besides he's still a damn good looking fella maybe I want to keep my options open too someday!

ShaShaBear

I definitely wouldn't keep my options open for him pet, he's made it very, very clear where you stand. And yes, keeping in touch with you is keeping his options open.

You've managed to go from honestly telling him "Ah here, quit with the games and messing with my feelings" to turning it back around and apologising with "My honesty was mean to you, I'm sorry and I take it back".

He's more than likely going to ignore you, keep you on your toes, and then text you out of the blue, if you aren't driven mad and end up texting him again first.

His text, in the context I read it, was designed to make you feel like crap over what you said, which was TOTALLY what you should have. He's playing you.

LegacyUser

Oh op I really feel for you I could've predicted the way hes acted word for word, been there so many times in the past. Sorry op but he isn't interested in a proper relationship with you ever. Hes told you that. If he really liked you it would be the right time.

You are way too into him and he knows that, youre just an ego boost. Op I'm not being horrible I've been there, some men will do anything to get you into bed, and he seems really good at it!, he even has you appologising for him leading you on and using you!! Hes playing you op...if you keep in contact it wont end well, you'll always be waiting for the day when it's suddenly the ' right ' time for him to have a relationship, and it will come, but I can guarantee it wont be with you..op I've been there, you will not be able to see how badly this guy is treating you/playing you until you step back from the situation, right now youre just too invested in him. Cut contact for a few months get out meet other guys and i can assure you you will realise what a lucky escape you had.

LegacyUser

I guess your right. Just so hard to believe by reading back his messages over the past 2 months, I'm normally spot on in sizing people up and working them out. Live and learn I guess.

ShaShaBear

Confused854 wrote: »

I guess your right. Just so hard to believe by reading back his messages over the past 2 months, I'm normally spot on in sizing people up and working them out. Live and learn I guess.

Your heart is far more invested into this situation than in most others I imagine. But there are no two ways about it, he originally told you he liked you and that all these obstacles were no big feat and he'd really like to continue seeing you.

Then you got into bed with him.

Now these obstacles are too much for him and a relationship is off the cards.

But, contact, casual sex, and using you is not.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone you've been a huge help. I suppose I have been played this time. Still don't get why he didn't just try to get me home one of the numerous nights beforehand but guess I'l never know why.

And one thing that's just playing on my mind at the moment is about the whole puking incident. Maybe this is the wrong place to ask this question but if for instance my drink was spiked could that be the cause of it? Now I know absolutely nothing about drugs but if something was put in my drink would it be possible that it would cause an immediate reaction like that? As I said I felt quite fine, happy out tipsy sort of state but not polluted enough to suddenly violently throw up and have memory lose for those few minutes afterwards. Now I really don't want to suggest that it was him, maybe he is a bit of a player but I really don't think he'd do that.
I'v always been able to handle my drink fairly well, I get drunk occasionally but I have never thrown up on a night out, the next day yes sometimes or maybe even when I'v gotten home and been lying in bed a while I could feel a little quesy and just know I'd feel better for getting sick but never have I felt like what I felt that night. It just puzzles me, think I only had 1 small glass of wine and 5 or 6-ish pints of bulmers spread out over about 5 hours.

Man with a problem

Contrary to others here I don't think he used you - sounds to me like he does not know what he wants.
I'm guessing he has a kind of girl friend back in college and was feeling guilty about cheating on her at the same time as liking you. One way or another he is feeling guilty - you are a bit coy about his "losing it" but that sounds to me like guilt more than anything
Women always think that confronting the guy - as in challenging him - will resolve the situation - it doesn't? Men think it straight lines and don't like to be threatened emotionally and that is what a confrontation is. Much better that you say what you want from the relationship and see how he responds.
Bottom line here is move on - always let him chase you - if you like him, give him a little encouragement - too many women are too hard assed with guys, even if they like them and the guys get confused
I doubt your drink was spiked - I do not know what height and weight you are but with 5 pints of cider and a small glass of wine you had at least 14 units of alcohol (more if it was a higher alcohol wine, more if your small glass was actually a medium glass); each unit takes an hour to clear your body. If you drank that much on an empty stomach there is every possibility that stomach was irritated and could not cope with the volume and you barfed.
I hope you used a condom; if not you should as a precaution get checked for STIs.

Dockington

It really does sound like he is attracted to u on some level but does not want a relationship with you. Im surprised at his age, i think i behaved like that when i was 18-22 stringing girls along, not having the balls to tell them straight up that i was only interested in a bit of fun. Most lads grow outa that by his age.

He gave u his answer and dont for a second think it was anything got to do with u getting sick on the night out or anything you have done. Its all him. Im ashamed to say it but i do recognise the behaviour from my own years back and i think the best thing you could do is forget him and ignore any future texts from him. U sound like a nice caring girl and u dont need him.

LegacyUser

Man with a problem wrote: »

Contrary to others here I don't think he used you - sounds to me like he does not know what he wants.
I'm guessing he has a kind of girl friend back in college and was feeling guilty about cheating on her at the same time as liking you. One way or another he is feeling guilty - you are a bit coy about his "losing it" but that sounds to me like guilt more than anything

That thought crossed my mind but thought I was just making excuses for him. He has lived where he goes to college for the past few years and didn't seem ashamed to be seen out with me, his facebook status is set as single so don't think there's a girlfriend on the scene.
One thing I will say is he used to have a photo on his facebook page (I know I know facebook really is a curse at times!) of himself and a girl (not unusual and not something that would cause me to think twice, I have photo's with lads too) but judging by them both I would hazard a guess that they weren't just friends or family, it was posted up not long after we met but could've been taken at any stage, the photo was removed a few weeks ago. So maybe there is more to things than I know.

[/QUOTE] Women always think that confronting the guy - as in challenging him - will resolve the situation - it doesn't? Men think it straight lines and don't like to be threatened emotionally and that is what a confrontation is. Much better that you say what you want from the relationship and see how he responds.
Bottom line here is move on - always let him chase you - if you like him, give him a little encouragement - too many women are too hard assed with guys, even if they like them and the guys get confused[/QUOTE]

Oh how I would love to spend a day in a man's mind to understand how they think!

[/QUOTE] I doubt your drink was spiked - I do not know what height and weight you are but with 5 pints of cider and a small glass of wine you had at least 14 units of alcohol (more if it was a higher alcohol wine, more if your small glass was actually a medium glass); each unit takes an hour to clear your body. If you drank that much on an empty stomach there is every possibility that stomach was irritated and could not cope with the volume and you barfed.
I hope you used a condom; if not you should as a precaution get checked for STIs. [/QUOTE]

I'm quite small framed. Interesting, guess I'l know my limits for again. We did, would never take that chance.

Dockington- As I said others did tell me he was a little immature for his age, certainly doesn't act it at all. I guess you don't know what people do in private but I do know a few people that know him and they all said nice guy, not a user. A friend has been to most of their gigs and would've told me if she thought he just uses the chance to pick up girls. Another guy I know goes to college with him and said the same.

Live and learn, life experience and learn from mistakes and all that. There's very few things I regret in life, I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

Tenzing

If you feel the urge to text him, try and leave it for a short while. Maybe a month or so. Let the dust settle a bit and take time out from the situation. It's all been said and done for now but if you think you would like to still be in touch the future text him a hello or something when you are in a better place.

daisybelle2008

Confused854 wrote: »

Thanks everyone you've been a huge help. I suppose I have been played this time. Still don't get why he didn't just try to get me home one of the numerous nights beforehand but guess I'l never know why.

And one thing that's just playing on my mind at the moment is about the whole puking incident. Maybe this is the wrong place to ask this question but if for instance my drink was spiked could that be the cause of it? Now I know absolutely nothing about drugs but if something was put in my drink would it be possible that it would cause an immediate reaction like that? As I said I felt quite fine, happy out tipsy sort of state but not polluted enough to suddenly violently throw up and have memory lose for those few minutes afterwards. Now I really don't want to suggest that it was him, maybe he is a bit of a player but I really don't think he'd do that.
I'v always been able to handle my drink fairly well, I get drunk occasionally but I have never thrown up on a night out, the next day yes sometimes or maybe even when I'v gotten home and been lying in bed a while I could feel a little quesy and just know I'd feel better for getting sick but never have I felt like what I felt that night. It just puzzles me, think I only had 1 small glass of wine and 5 or 6-ish pints of bulmers spread out over about 5 hours.

OP, I don't believe you were 'used' or 'played', you had consensual sex (you said you jumped him!). He clearly doesn't want the same things you want and he doesn't owe you a relationship just because you had sex with him. To be blunt about it you come accross very needy and insecure. This may have been off putting as he got to know you. He is entitled to change his feelings, it doesn't mean he is stringing you along. At this stage to be still going over the ins and outs of the puking incident is really pointless, you seem to be beating your self up and blaming it inordinately for his change of heart. Give yourself space and don't get into situations where you are way more into the other person then they are into you. Worthwhile romances are balanced and drama free and feel good. All this second guessing and obsessing is not healthy.

Joshua J

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, I don't believe you were 'used' or 'played', you had consensual sex (you said you jumped him!). He clearly doesn't want the same things you want and he doesn't owe you a relationship just because you had sex with him. To be blunt about it you come accross very needy and insecure. This may have been off putting as he got to know you. He is entitled to change his feelings, it doesn't mean he is stringing you along. At this stage to be still going over the ins and outs of the puking incident is really pointless, you seem to be beating your self up and blaming it inordinately for his change of heart. Give yourself space and don't get into situations where you are way more into the other person then they are into you. Worthwhile romances are balanced and drama free and feel good. All this second guessing and obsessing is not healthy.

I'm glad you wrote that cause I was putting it down to me being hungover that I couldn't see waht he'd done wrong. Thought some of the comments about him were a bit harsh.

tricialou

Hi
Sorry but I dont think you should be worried about throwing up - i think your just blaming yourself for that! We all throw up sometimes! If he really liked you he would joke about it and you would nt feel bad! Dont beat yourself up! It sounds like this guy wants to be single and is letting you know he does if he changed his fb profile to single! You even took the initiative to ask him for another chance to redeem yourself and he did nt take you up on the offer- I would say dont text him- it sounds like you text him and then he texts you back - trust me if he liked you he would text you ! Get rid of him and clear the way for the next one- that wont make you feel embarassed! Dont feel bad about him either- it happens to the best of us!!!

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, I don't believe you were 'used' or 'played', you had consensual sex (you said you jumped him!). He clearly doesn't want the same things you want and he doesn't owe you a relationship just because you had sex with him. To be blunt about it you come accross very needy and insecure. This may have been off putting as he got to know you. He is entitled to change his feelings, it doesn't mean he is stringing you along. At this stage to be still going over the ins and outs of the puking incident is really pointless, you seem to be beating your self up and blaming it inordinately for his change of heart. Give yourself space and don't get into situations where you are way more into the other person then they are into you. Worthwhile romances are balanced and drama free and feel good. All this second guessing and obsessing is not healthy.

Yes you are right in certain respects. I know I have quite an obsessive and addictive personality and to be honest I suffer from depression on and off for a few years, I go through periods of highs and lows. I have been on one of these huge up periods constantly since I met him and I suppose now that I think of it I was clinging on to this 'thing' that was causing this huge high sort of like an addiction, and when I lost it I sunk way back down again. Unrelated I have a rocky relationship with family lately and I know I'm pushing them away but cannot help it, also a lot of old feelings of loss have been dug up again recently about a family member that died suddenly a number of years ago and for some reason he keeps popping into my head. I just have a lot going on lately that's causing huge amounts of stress and everything has just piled up at once at the same time as losing the thing (I say the thing because similar episodes have happened before caused by other triggers) that was causing my sort of high period this last while. I know I need to seek help and I will.

I know it looks like I'v been harping on and on and analysing every little detail but it's what I do with everything. Thinking, writing things down and talking are my ways of coping and being able to talk amongst strangers and seek advice and opinions anonymously is oddly comforting. Now I think this thread has run it's course and there's no point really in discussing things further. I also feel bad discussing someone and putting up private details about them while they are judged by strangers who don't know them even though there are no identifying details, so I think it might be a good idea if this could be locked before anymore is said. Thanks to everyone for the help.

LegacyUser

The throwing up incident is irrelevant. It looks to me like this guy isn't interested in a relationship and is running to the hills. He has changed his mind for some reason. I would be amazed if it was to do with you throwing up.

In my life I've lost sight of the real issue when I've been seeing guys. For instance, I was once in what I thought was a fledgeling relationship with a guy. Then had to go on a week's holidays that had been booked before I'd even met him. It stalled things with him and at the time I was a bit annoyed that this holiday had gotten in the way. As things turned out, he was no more into me than the man on the moon and he only wanted me for sex. I cringe when I think about it now but that is the way I felt then.

Usually if a person fancies you, they will make it their business to see you. Ignored texts, ignored calls, sporadic contact, texts at weird hours of the night and contact when you're drunk are all hallmarks of someone who sees you as little more than friends with benefits.

Ickle Magoo

Confused854 wrote: »

Now I think this thread has run it's course and there's no point really in discussing things further. I also feel bad discussing someone and putting up private details about them while they are judged by strangers who don't know them even though there are no identifying details, so I think it might be a good idea if this could be locked before anymore is said. Thanks to everyone for the help.

Thread locked - as requested.

All the best. :cool: