Wasn't told I would have to pay for bridesmaid dress

Sea Filly · 30-06-2012 01:29AM

clint_silver wrote: »

Most weddings are brilliant.

No they're not...

mikeystipey · 30-06-2012 02:18AM

aw man this thread has me doing some serious mental OMGs. Sometimes I despair of people in this world. What is it with people turning their weddings into muti-day events. And the bridal shower and spa day thing is taking the piss, and asking bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses is bent.

Don't beat yourself up OP, you couldn't have predicted this kind of attitude from your friend...but do confront her like the others posters said.

She isn't having the wedding on a Monday also by any chance? That kind of thing pisses me off too :rolleyes:

Best of luck anyway, if she truly values your friendship she'll listen to your opionion

dipdipdoo · 30-06-2012 10:53AM

Thanks, everyone! I won't see her now until Tuesday, so I'll talk to her then. I'll let you know how I get on..!

happywithlife · 30-06-2012 03:28PM

omg - you've only known her 18 months and she expects all this ? !!
sorry hun but i think her and the sister saw you coming a mile away and think you are a right soft touch ......
take a deep breath and ask to go for a drink after work on tuesday - (i wouldn't speak to her in work so you, as best as you can, keep the two separate)
i think you will actually have to one by one list out the things she is expecting from you .... i'd be inclined to say something along the lines of 'whilst i was extremely happy you asked me to be bridesmaid, i just can't / more importantly, won't pay for all of this and if you want to ask someone else to be bridesmaid i understand .... ' ....
don't forget to switch your phone off as you will probably have umptem calls from the sister accusing you of ruining the wedding ....
stand firm and don't back down or else god knows what else they'll spring on you closer to / after the wedding....

can't wait for the update

LadyTBolt · 30-06-2012 10:37PM

This is crazy stuff, especially that you only know the girl a year and a half.
I would expect the bride to pay for the bridesmaids dress at the very least and everything after that should be between the bride and bridesmaids, it varies from wedding to wedding.
OP get this sorted asap, this is just ridiculous.

tinkerbell · 01-07-2012 05:50AM

OP this is just ridiculous. As a bridesmaid you should not have to pay for any of that stuff, your "friend" is a complete and utter selfish wagon - she clearly doesn't give two hoots about your feelings so why should you worry yourself over pulling out of this bridesmaid circus. Just because she's getting married doesn't give her the right to be a class A b!tch to you. If she wants a giant OTT wedding, then she has to pay for it - not you. Oh and after you resign the "privilege" of being this wagon's bridesmaid, drop her as a friend too.

Merkin · 01-07-2012 02:16PM

I'm afraid your friend is being totally cheap and lacking any kind of class at all. Expecting you to contribute financially to HER wedding is totally out of order and just smacks of bad taste. I wouldn't back down on this - she either pays for everything as is socially acceptable or finds another bridesmaid.

Gatica · 01-07-2012 05:04PM

Daisy M wrote: »

Alarm bells ring loud for me when you say its just you (whom she has only known for 18mths) and her sister as bridesmaids. It is very unusual.

I totally agree... There does seem to be a good reason as to why she doesn't actually have any other friends, that she has known longer, whom she could've asked to be bridesmaid. No one wanted to stick around her, that's why she doesn't have anyone else to ask! It does take longer than 1-2 years to really get to know someone. This is just the start of it, she's nice in regular social situations or at work but this, this is really showing her true colours, which you never had the opportunity to see before.
Back out, and if she uninvites you, better still. No reason you can't be professional with her at work, but with respect to socialising and friendship outside of it, I'd forget it.

lizerb23 · 01-07-2012 05:26PM

dipdipdoo wrote: »

I think so. The maid of honour contacted me and asked me to host the bridal shower, which would mean that I would provide the food and a substantial portion of drink. I said that I was happy to, but that I would only be able to do either the bridal shower or the hen, because I can't afford to do both. She got a bit arsey about it, and said that the shower would only cost about €20. I'm not sure how she came up with that figure.

she is making an absolute fool out of you, she is the one who asked you to be bridesmaid, i was a bridesmaid last year and its unheard of to buy your own dress.. if she cudn afford the dresses she shud have saved a little longer, im suprised that she isnt embarrassed at her behaviour she seems like a diva..

Thoie · 01-07-2012 05:50PM

Just to reiterate what everyone else is pretty much saying - get out now.

Just tell her straight out that you're very flattered to have been asked, but you've been examining your finances, and can't afford to be her bridesmaid, but you're willing to assist in any other non-financial way you can.

mikeystipey · 02-07-2012 08:10AM

dipdipdoo wrote: »

Thanks, everyone! I won't see her now until Tuesday, so I'll talk to her then. I'll let you know how I get on..!

the suspense builds...this thread kind of remind me of the 'grinds teacher fancies me' one

noddyone2 · 02-07-2012 08:21AM

Sea Filly wrote: »

No they're not...

Most weddings are ****e

tinkerbell · 02-07-2012 08:54AM

noddyone2 wrote: »

Most weddings are ****e

I completely disagree - I've only gone to weddings of close family and close friends and they've been brilliant nights. I'd say if you're attending a wedding of a very casual friend who you hardly know then it mightn't be the most fun for you but if it's your close circle of friends / family, you'll always have a fantastic time.

Anyway, back on topic - OP good luck on Tuesday having the chat with mega bridezilla. Stay firm and don't ler her bully you. After the way she's acted, I would refuse to help her out with anything now for the wedding, I'd even go so far as not attending.

fiona-f · 02-07-2012 09:06AM

To take a different tack to most people on here, I don't necessarily see a grand conspiracy to milk you for every penny. If as you say she hasn't many female friends, perhaps she doesn't know what the norm is in these situations. A lot of what she or the sister are suggesting is OTT by Irish standards but would be perfectly fine by American ones. So I'd she's been reading US wedding websites, maybe she simply doesn't realise the different culture here.

Go ahead and ask her out oft a drink to discuss but be gentle about. It might be she simply doesn't realise how different your views are to her's and it could be a bit embarrassing for her but worth exploring it before you write off a friendship. If you do decide after all to withdraw from the wedding, again please be as gracious as you can.

Best of luck.

iguana · 02-07-2012 09:15AM

Any more comments about weddings in general that aren't directly related to the OP's situation will result in posters taking holidays.

Chi Force · 02-07-2012 12:00PM

While I agree that the bride's behaviour is both vulgar and unacceptable, it's not easy to say no and to be unjustly accused of ruining someone's "special day", particularly as the only non-family member of the bridal party. It's a difficult and unfair situation and whatever you do, I hope it works out ok for you OP.

Lustrum · 02-07-2012 03:51PM

As a guy, I'm not going to write that I had some OMG moments reading this, but certainly opened my eyes a bit wider at some of what's going on!

While it's great getting back up from all the anonymous posters on here, I hope the OP has discussed this with her other half/sister/mother etc, just someone else that can be your back up when this situation does explode (it would be great if the bride to be took this reasonably but based on what's been posted I would expect not) - it's easier to have someone agree with you in person I find.

My brother married a yank over there, and it was an eye opener to see the different customs. The bridesmaids paid for their own dresses, hair etc, because that's what they do. However, my brother paid for our suits, because that's what we do, and he had to do a good bit of explaining and convincing to the American groomsman that he didn't have to pay for his own suit!

I hope you have some more nicer friends, and best of luck tomorrow!

u_c_thesecond · 02-07-2012 04:19PM

dipdipdoo wrote: »

Hi there,

As we set out, I asked her what her budget was, and her sister (maid of honour) jumped down my throat and said that the bridesmaids always pay for their own dresses. Earlier on in the process, I got the impression that we were to pay for our own make-up and hair, which I am totally fine with, but now it looks like we are covering our total costs.

Please help!

Hi op

Bridesmaids do NOT have to pay for their own dresses. My wedding is soon and i am covering everything for my bridesmaids down to their tights- because i was involved in a wedding before where the bride demanded i cover everything myself and i stupidly did it- and i spent over 400euro just to have what she wanted, and **** was the thanks i got (excuse my language)

I know she is your friend and all but she has some cheek!

And also id love to know who making up these rules- bridesmaids DO NOT cover the hen. My girls tried to get balloons and banners and stuff for the bus the night of my hen and when i found out i snuck into the place the ordered them from and paid for them in full. They wernt happy but it was not their bill to cover and i didnt think it was fair

Bottom line- good luck getting her down that aisle with the size of that neck!:D

guernica · 02-07-2012 05:03PM

You can't have a hen night AND a bridal shower! And wedding presents!! OMG.

Also everyone is right, not normal to pay for your dress or the hen or any of that stuff. Any hen I've been on you just chip in for the hen's dinner ie split the bill between all the guests which usually works out only a few euro each and that's it.

Even the posters who are saying you should host the "shower" cheaply - that's still a lot of effort for you - I wouldn't be comfortable having something like that in my home. Especially when there's a hen too!! Flabbergasted.

Midnight Sundance · 02-07-2012 05:33PM

Shint0 wrote: »

You do realise it's not going to end there. After the wedding as part of your bridesmaid's 'duties' you will have to throw a party when they come back from honeymoon, and another for the dvd and wedding album.

It sounds like they had you factored into the budget from the beginning and possibly see you as a soft touch. I think this belongs over in the AH thread on the stingiest thing you've seen stingy people do, although it's so excessive it deserves a thread of it's own.

What??.... You have to throw a party when she comes back from honeymoon too??
Crap I've just been bridesmaid and never heard this... Do many people do this???? ;(

I would just take the honesty road and tell your friend you can't afford it all!! Ic she blows a fuse then it is her loss and she will have shown her true colours!!

Best of luck!!

SC Kevin · 02-07-2012 05:46PM

WOW.....:eek::eek::eek:

I honestly cant believe what ive just read....she expects you to pay for...

Your own dress
Hen night
Spa day
Bridal Shower(food and drink for lord knows how many guests)
Hair+Make UP
Any jewellery+shoes+handbag to match dress
Hotel Room
Second night meal

She is been completely unreasonable and a right b***h! (excuse my language)

When me and my wife got married we paid for all of the above because THEY were OUR guests. No way would i expect them to pay for their own rooms or in the case of the bridesmaids, dresses, makeup etc We even bought them a necklace each for been the bridesmaids. We also bought the page girls dresses and shoes!

I agree with other in that i think she saw you coming a mile away and asked you because she felt that you were a “soft touch” and they would basically emotionally blackmail you in to paying with the whole “her special day”, “you’ll ruin her big day” etc etc

You seem like a nice girl and to be honest, your better off walking away, but i think you know that already. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be and the hell with them when it kicks off

Good luck!

delta36 · 02-07-2012 05:52PM

I have nothing really to add to this (and yet am posting) except to say wow reading through all the comments.
I hope for your sake talking to your friend tomorrow she might realise she's been a bit insanely nuts and back down on some stuff. Whatever about the bridesmaids dresses, expecting all the other stuff as well like the spa day is just being a bit greedy in my opinion.
Hope it works out for you anyway, it's sucky to loose a friend, or to have to make the decision to break ties with someone.

Salt001 · 02-07-2012 06:22PM

This girl has totally lost the plot or she is totally sheltered and has never had any contact with anyone who has gotten married.
The idea about sitting her down and explaining things to her gently sound good although potentially a minefield

.
Working with her is a bit of a hassle too but if you have only known her for 18 months what do you really have to lose?.
Also if she has invited other workmates and they hear they have to pay for their own meals on the 2nd day,they will totally understand where you are coming from.

Jogathon · 03-07-2012 10:16AM

I can't wait to hear how this goes today at work. Good luck!

dr ro · 03-07-2012 01:03PM

Could you talk to her soon please. Anticipation's killing me ;p

iguana · 03-07-2012 01:14PM

dr ro wrote: »

Could you talk to her soon please. Anticipation's killing me ;p

Boards threads aren't here for people's entertainment. The OP dealing with a problem she is having in her personal life and should not be made feel as if she is under obligation to do anything to suit anyone here. Or to report back on it if she doesn't feel like it.

LLU · 03-07-2012 03:39PM

dipdipdoo wrote: »

Well she was complaining to me that people who aren't coming to the wedding might not get her a gift...

Man, as I write this stuff down, she sounds really horrible, but she's usually nice, I swear!

she has a point there; I'm not going to the wedding and I'm not getting her a gift. Mind you I don't know her, but by the sounds of things she would not accept that as an excuse!

Seriously though, she is taking the mick. Unless you are choosing the dress, in which case I'd suggest turning up in a tracksuit, she should be paying for it. Completely unfair to burden her friends with all this.

loveisdivine · 03-07-2012 05:30PM

The only thing my bridesmaids, and other guests for that matter, have to pay for is their overnight accomodation. Which is €39 per person with breakfast.

I would never ask them to buy their own dresses. Or pay for anything infact.

Having said that I was bridesmaid for one of my bridesmaids at her wedding and she paid for the dress but hen I paid for the alterations.

dipdipdoo · 03-07-2012 10:40PM

So, in an effort to keep all this out of work as much as possible, I asked her to meet me for a drink after work this week, but unfortunately, Friday is the only evening she's free - going mad, because I really want to get this overwith now!

Thanks again for all the advice & support, I'll definitely keep you posted!

corcaigh07 · 03-07-2012 11:03PM

well done dipdipdoo, i think there isn't much point trying to talk sense to this girl and for all you know, her sis will turn up for that drink on friday. just blindly drop out of being the bridesmaid and go from there. If there is a nasty reaction, consider not attanding the wedding and losing her as a friend.

Wasn't told I would have to pay for bridesmaid dress

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