Wasn't told I would have to pay for bridesmaid dress

dipdipdoo

Hi there,

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, and, having been a bridesmaid several times before, which I thought was fun, I accepted.

The wedding is now in 10 weeks time, I have helped her with all kinds of decisions, have discussed problems with her, have gone shopping with her to find her wedding dress, but we hadn't yet got around to sorting out the bridesmaid dresses.

Time now running out, we went shopping yesterday. As we set out, I asked her what her budget was, and her sister (maid of honour) jumped down my throat and said that the bridesmaids always pay for their own dresses. They both seemed really angry with me that I had even suggested that it might be otherwise, but honestly, for every wedding I have ever been in (or attended), the bride and groom covered the costs of the bridesmaids.

Earlier on in the process, I got the impression that we were to pay for our own make-up and hair, which I am totally fine with, but now it looks like we are covering our total costs.

In addition, they have decided to have a second day at the wedding, but they say they can't afford the meal, so they are getting the guests to pay for their own dinner. I'm not sure any of the guests know this yet.

The maid of honour has also told me that not only will there be a hen night, but there will be a bridal shower too (with gifts, food, games, etc., all laid on by the bridesmaids). And the bride has said that she wants to do a day in a spa too.

I am totally supportive of my friend having a very special day, but I don't know how to handle this. Having to pay for the bridesmaid dress (adhering to her colour choices, etc.) is just not something I expected. Am I being unreasonable? Is this the norm now?

Please help!

louise5754

No way are you being unreasonable. Thats mad that they want you to pay for your own dress!! It sounds like she wants a huge wedding but none of the expense. Are you also expected to cover the cost of the hen night, wedding shower and spa day??

toadfly

That's ridiculous, tell her to f off. seriously some people think they and their wedding is the most important thing in the world.

sbsquarepants

You've got to be joking!
I've never been a bridesmaid (wrong gender!) but that is absolutely ridiculous, your "friend" sounds like a spoiled little bitch. I wouldn't be having any part of it to be honest.

endacl

I want a mars bar, but I'm out of cash. So no mars bar for me.

If she can't pay for a 'special day', then she can't have a special day. Silly girl.

dipdipdoo

louise5754 wrote: »

Are you also expected to cover the cost of the hen night, wedding shower and spa day??

I think so. The maid of honour contacted me and asked me to host the bridal shower, which would mean that I would provide the food and a substantial portion of drink. I said that I was happy to, but that I would only be able to do either the bridal shower or the hen, because I can't afford to do both. She got a bit arsey about it, and said that the shower would only cost about €20. I'm not sure how she came up with that figure.

Sleepy

Send your friend a link to this thread. She'll be told that she's being absolutely unreasonable.

I've seen bridesmaids cover the cost of their own dress before on shows like "Don't Tell The Bride" etc. but most of those have seemed to be a case of the groom blowing the budget and asking the bridesmaids could he settle up with them after the wedding (i.e. with his own cash rather than the production company's).

If they're working on that tight a budget you could offer to pay for the dress, shoes, make-up etc and consider it your present to the bride and groom?

bryaner

Some people are just incredible, I would not consider the bride as a friend op, all fur coat and no knickers comes to mind..

bette

Walk the other way! With friends like that...

Steven81

Take the cost of your dress out of the wedding money you giving them

testicle

Steven81 wrote: »

Take the cost of your dress out of the wedding money you giving them

Or just don't give them a present. I wouldn't in this case.

stargazer 68

Steven81 wrote: »

Take the cost of your dress out of the wedding money you giving them

Don't give them any at all! :eek:

Jogathon

Unbelievable. Not the normal thing at all. I can't believe that they want you to pay for a dress that you're wearing as a favour to them, and will probably never wear again! I'd tell her that you'll buy the dress, but it'll be your wedding present to her. As for the shower, host it, but cook everything yourself and it could be done for €50. Drink should be brought by guests - cos who would turn up with both arms hanging anyway! That way you are not causing any grief or dramatics before the wedding and you'll come out as being the bigger person.

On a sidenote - imagine the stunned guests who have to pay for their own meal on the second day!!!! Hilarious!

bette

Why bother with conflict? Just walk away from the angry ladies. Tell them you don't agree with their financial nonsense. You will be in their bad books either way so why incur the expense as well?

Moonbeam

If you want someone to wear a certain dress then you pay for it simple,she should also pay for your hair and make up. That is the way things are normally done.
Is she expecting you to pay for your own hotel room too?
I think she is being completely unreasonable .
Are the groomsmen paying for their own suit hire?

I have heard of bridesmaids helping out their bride friend on a budget by offering to pay half the price or the full price of the bridesmaids dresses as a present to help out but never been told that they had to.

dipdipdoo

Moonbeam wrote: »

Is she expecting you to pay for your own hotel room too?

Yes

Sleepy

For the shower: head for your nearest Tesco and pick up a few bottles of their Sovio: it's a 4% sparkling pink wine that sells for €3 a bottle. Or you could go for Lambrusco Rosé at two euro something either. Since the bride and her sister are so lacking in class, they won't know the difference between that and good stuff anyway so just have it poured into champagne flutes on a tray when they arrive and they'll be none the wiser.

NoodleMc

The bride's not American is she?
It's traditional in the US for the bridemaids and groomsmen to buy/rent their own outfits. That's why you see weddings with 10/12 bridemaids!!
I lived there for a number of years so had the pleasure of having to buy two beautiful hot pink outfits!!!

ynul31f47k6b59

She sounds like a cow with a sister who's even worse and I wouldn't go near the wedding with a barge pole. The neck of her.

I got the girls dresses, shoes, wraps, bags, jewellery, covering hair & make-up if they decide they want to get it done professionally (both are great at their own and aren't sure yet) - at this stage there's so much outside stuff going on that I really just want to show up and get married and feck all the extras.


Tell her you'll buy it, but you'll be choosing everything about it yourself.

Cow.

hoodwinked

as a bride getting married in two weeks,

i have 3 bridesmaids, i offered to pay for everything and this is how it worked out

i bought all 3 dresses,
im paying for all 3 hair to be done,
i am paying for 1 Maid of honors make up to be done as the other two requested they do their own.
they are wearing any shoes they like/already own so im not paying for those,
Jewelery im buying them jewelery to wear as gifts,


and i would say i got off lightly, as im not caught for tans (they have them anyway)..nails...etc.


but i would pay for them if i was requesting them.

dipdipdoo

NoodleMc wrote: »

The bride's not American is she?

No, although I think she does have some American friends, so unless she has mixed up her traditions...?

dipdipdoo

Sleepy wrote: »

For the shower: head for your nearest Tesco ... Since the bride and her sister are so lacking in class, they won't know the difference between that and good stuff anyway

Thanks for making me laugh!

dipdipdoo

I'm glad that I'm not going mad, at least! I think I might take the advice to suggest that it will be my wedding gift to her, although given how she has been about everything so far, I am not sure how that will go down...

Anyway, thanks for all the advice - I'll be sure to let you know how I get on!

christmas2012

as long as you dont have to cover other wedding expenses,is she expecting a huge present too???

dipdipdoo

christmas2012 wrote: »

is she expecting a huge present too???

Well she was complaining to me that people who aren't coming to the wedding might not get her a gift...

Man, as I write this stuff down, she sounds really horrible, but she's usually nice, I swear!

christmas2012

she should be humble and count herself lucky she can at least afford a big white wedding - a lot of people cant spare much aside let alone for a big wedding..

she sounds like a bridezilla and if she keeps up that attitude post wedding she sounds like a stuck up brat.

i know shes your friend but people can change fast ive seen it myself had some bad experiences there,but dont let that put you off maybe its just a one day thing,hopefully it is..

i wouldnt get a lavish present,something small and humble and if she falls out with you over that she is superficial and shallow..

She might be nice, but she comes across as extremely spoiled and selfish!

She wants a hen AND a Bridal shower AND a spa.......what bull****

if there was ever a time to opt out of anything i think this is it.

byronbay2

On the basis that you are not pulling my chain (surely a possibility), this thread is hilarious. They'll be asking you to make the wedding cake next!:)

mayordenis

I'm not one to advocate violence but the old kick in the gowl comes to mind.

But really the Bride is way way out of line here, don't feel bad in the slightest if you can't or won't put up with her nonsense.

happywithlife

is she having a wedding or getting married?
i hate all this bridezilla b**l -- getting married should be about the committment a couple are making to each other -- dont' get me wrong when i got married i did have the typical irish wedding and i think it is ok to celebrate a couple's love -- but she is taking the p**s

if she is choosing the dress, she should pay for it too ... like others i can see good friends saying they'd pay for it when the couple are strapped for cash and not having any other 'extras' but this one wants the full works without the bill ....

tbh i'd be walking away ....

as for the 'shower' i wouldn't cook ... i'd say i'd have it at mine, everyone bring their own drink and we'll order in once everyone arrives ... by on earth should you be up the walls all day slaving and cooking for such an ungrateful crowd ?

ToniTuddle

So in total you are paying for all of this by yourself...

-Bridal Shower(food and drink for lord knows how many guests)
-Bridesmaid Dress
-Hair+Make UP
-Any jewellery+shoes+handbag to match dress
-Hotel Room
-Second night meal

I love my mates dearly but if anyone of them actually expected all that of me they would be told very clearly that it just isn't possible! Does she think you are made of money?? Even if you can afford to pay for all that it's not the point. It's very feicin rude to just expect you to pay.

You seem to be very/too easy going and just letting her have her own way. Remember she expects you to pay for all this....telling her that by doing this it's your present to her will NOT go down well :pac:
When(not if:p) it doesn't go down well will you end up buying her a present/giving her money anyway to smooth things over?

Bubblefett

dipdipdoo wrote: »

Well she was complaining to me that people who aren't coming to the wedding might not get her a gift...

That to me sums up this bride- selfish and no concept of the world does not revolve around her wedding.
Tell her flat out you cannot afford all she's asking. I imagine if you say you won't get her a gift cause of all the other expenses she'll have a hissy cause your spending her present money on yourself (going by what you've said- she seems to see the world with blinkers on).
Hell with the way it's going I'd suggest stepping down from bridesmaid and just being a guest- tell her that way you'll still buy her a present and I'm sure she'll be over joyed.

seamus

Using the dress as your present to the bride & groom is a good idea. Though I would state it beforehand rather than just saying nothing, as that will make you look like the one who was stingy. So tell her that you'll pay for the dress and the makeup as your present to her. Don't forget to give them an empty card after the wedding.

The bridal shower I think is up to you how you play it. Usually in Ireland people have an engagement party rather than a bridal shower, where people can bring presents if they want to, but they're definitely not required to. I would be inclined to text/email all the guests who are coming and ask them to bring along one food dish and some drink, or contribute €20 to the kitty so that you can sort it.
Then they'll know that the bride nor her sister are throwing the party and it's likely that you'll have more food than you need.
That depends on the numbers of course - if there would be less than ten people at the shower, I'd go down the "let's order food in" route. But if you're expecting more then you'd be better off having a table of food there for people to pick at.

You may also have to accept that this could be the beginning of the end of your friendship with her. Weddings bring out the worst in horrible people and the best in decent people.
My sister-in-law had an old schoolfriend who they knew was high maintenace but turned into the classical crazy bitch when she got engaged. As the first to get engaged, there were 18 months dedicated to her and her wedding, she got herself so worked up about it that she had a seizure while dress shopping; only she's not epileptic.
She even went as far as to cut off friends who dared to have their boyfriends propose before she got married and went for a ridiculously lavish hen and then "uninvited" a number of girls who didn't go.

Eventually she lost all of her friends over it; within 12 months of getting married, they had all cut her out.

dipdipdoo

ToniTuddle wrote: »

So in total you are paying for all of this by yourself...

-Bridal Shower(food and drink for lord knows how many guests)
-Bridesmaid Dress
-Hair+Make UP
-Any jewellery+shoes+handbag to match dress
-Hotel Room
-Second night meal

You forgot:

- Hen night
- Spa day

ToniTuddle wrote: »

....telling her that by doing this it's your present to her will NOT go down well :pac:
When(not if:p) it doesn't go down well will you end up buying her a present/giving her money anyway to smooth things over?

Definitely not. I'm so frustrated with her. I can't understand how someone can expect so much of others :mad: - I would be MORTIFIED to ask anyone to pay for all this stuff, and I really think that the thing about the meal is an absolute disgrace.

I guess my biggest problem is the sister. I'm gonna have two of them ganging up on me, doing the whole "it's the most important day of her life!! And you're RUINING IT!!" thing. *Sigh*

dipdipdoo

seamus wrote: »

Using the dress as your present to the bride & groom is a good idea. Though I would state it beforehand rather than just saying nothing, as that will make you look like the one who was stingy.

Yeah, I definitely think you're right. I really have to try to stay calm, state my case, and then, when they (inevitably) get bolshy, just walk away.

seamus wrote: »

The bridal shower ... I would be inclined to text/email all the guests who are coming and ask them to bring along one food dish and some drink, or contribute €20 to the kitty so that you can sort it.

That's a good idea... spread the joy

seamus wrote: »

You may also have to accept that this could be the beginning of the end of your friendship with her.

I'm pretty sure it is.

seamus wrote: »

there were 18 months dedicated to her and her wedding, she got herself so worked up about it that she had a seizure while dress shopping; only she's not epileptic.

This actually made me guffaw :D

Ironman76

Youll get much more respect from the ugly sisters if you walk away. I know its easier said than done but you need to stand up for yourself here. You sound very easy going and the fact you speak highly of her here says a lot about you (you may be a bit of her league when it comes to having class). I sense your being walked all over.

Good luck with it anyway.

Forest Demon

Tell them to feck off. She will be asking you to help her out at the honeymoon next. You might as well as you are getting screwed Girl.

Some people :rolleyes:

She should be getting you a present for being bridesmaid. I have learned that its best to cut ties with friends like that. Its usually a one way street and not worth it.

ToniTuddle

dipdipdoo wrote: »

You forgot:

- Hen night
- Spa day

*blesses herself* :eek:

Well Holy Mary she is something else :pac: I'm sorry but I'm kinda laughing not at you but her and how ridiculous she is being. I'm imagining a really bad Hollywood comedy of sorts

Definitely not. I'm so frustrated with her. I can't understand how someone can expect so much of others :mad: - I would be MORTIFIED to ask anyone to pay for all this stuff, and I really think that the thing about the meal is an absolute disgrace.

I guess my biggest problem is the sister. I'm gonna have two of them ganging up on me, doing the whole "it's the most important day of her life!! And you're RUINING IT!!" thing. *Sigh*

See the Bridal Shower.....is that where you give the bride her wedding presents early? Or is it a completely different thing where she just gets extra presents on top of her wedding day gifts?

Is there anyway to get your friend completely alone and away from the sister? You would be able to talk to her quietly and privately then about how all of this is a lot to take on and you simply can't.

Even if they did roar and shout or if the sister gets onto after your conversation with the friend about ruining her day and making her upset...or whatever BS they come up with. You will know that you have NOT ruined her day, she seems to be perfectly capable of doing that herself. She's gonna lose quite a few friends over this.

Is she actually inviting all the wedding guests to a meal the next night and not telling them they will have to pay for it?? That's just plain weird.

Sorry ye have to go through this hassle. If you do end up losing her as a friend it will be sad and disappointing but at same time you are most definitely better off. Of course getting married is an important day but it's NOT the "most important" day of her life. In time she might she that but by then she will have burnt way too many bridges!

dipdipdoo

ToniTuddle wrote: »

See the Bridal Shower.....is that where you give the bride her wedding presents early? Or is it a completely different thing where she just gets extra presents on top of her wedding day gifts?

Oh no, these are extra presents. But she's the BRIDE. It's her RIGHT!

dipdipdoo

ToniTuddle wrote: »

Is there anyway to get your friend completely alone and away from the sister?

I think I'm gonna have to try. Part of the problem is that the sister seems to be egging her on. If I try to explain to both of them at the same time that this isn't normal, It's just gonna end up in a screaming match.

dipdipdoo

ToniTuddle wrote: »

She's gonna lose quite a few friends over this.

ToniTuddle wrote: »

Is she actually inviting all the wedding guests to a meal the next night and not telling them they will have to pay for it?? That's just plain weird.

As far as I can make out. I've seen the invitations, and they don't mention anything about paying for the meal. So unless she has told them in person...? But I doubt that, since she only sprang the dress thing on me at the last minute!

I don't know how people are going to react. It's gonna make for a really rotten atmosphere, anyway.

tipptopper

Myself and the better half were invited to a wedding in Galway last year and of course accepted the invite with pleasure.

About a week before the wedding I got a text from the happy couple to be saying they were really looking forward to our company at the wedding an rather than giving presents, they would appreciate 150e per head as a wedding present.

We couldn’t believe what we were reading, there and then we decided we weren’t going, it wasn’t the amount of money that put us off, twas the bare faced cheek of txn everyone of the invited guests more or less demanding 300 per couple.

And to top it all off, the next day party was held in Buskers in Galway to where they had a cover charge of 2e each to cover the cost of whatever grub was put on that day, I kid you not. Op, grow a pair and tell em to do one, who the hell needs “friends” like them.

dipdipdoo

tipptopper wrote: »

About a week before the wedding I got a text from the happy couple to be saying they were really looking forward to our company at the wedding an rather than giving presents, they would appreciate 150e per head as a wedding present.

Mother of God. People are MENTAL.

Shint0

You do realise it's not going to end there. After the wedding as part of your bridesmaid's 'duties' you will have to throw a party when they come back from honeymoon, and another for the dvd and wedding album.

It sounds like they had you factored into the budget from the beginning and possibly see you as a soft touch. I think this belongs over in the AH thread on the stingiest thing you've seen stingy people do, although it's so excessive it deserves a thread of it's own.

Cathmandooo

tipptopper I'm so glad you didn't go to that wedding, I just can't get my head around people like that. I can't understand how they think it's anything near acceptable behaviour.

dipdipdoo I agree you should link this thread to the bride. I understand it's difficult to confront these issues, especially when you have been given dirty looks already so maybe just showing her other people's views might knock some sense into her.

Stuck Cone

When will people realise weddings are a con??

mitosis

In my experience it is not usual or acceptable to be asked to pay for your bridesmaid outfit. Hair and makeup, however, the bridesmaid would be responsible for herself. The men will have suits rented for them, no? The best man is not going to have his shave and haircut paid for, is he?

ToniTuddle

dipdipdoo wrote: »

Oh no, these are extra presents. But she's the BRIDE. It's her RIGHT!

:eek::eek::eek:

Bridal shower is a totally American thing. That's just insane.

dipdipdoo wrote: »

As far as I can make out. I've seen the invitations, and they don't mention anything about paying for the meal. So unless she has told them in person...? But I doubt that, since she only sprang the dress thing on me at the last minute!

I don't know how people are going to react. It's gonna make for a really rotten atmosphere, anyway.

What if they don't have any money on them?? Like some may only bring a bit for a drink or two and then head home. If they are presented with a bill.....oh God that's gonna be awkward as hell :eek:

tipptopper wrote: »

About a week before the wedding I got a text from the happy couple to be saying they were really looking forward to our company at the wedding an rather than giving presents, they would appreciate 150e per head as a wedding present.

And to top it all off, the next day party was held in Buskers in Galway to where they had a cover charge of 2e each to cover the cost of whatever grub was put on that day, I kid you not. Op, grow a pair and tell em to do one, who the hell needs “friends” like them.

€150 PER HEAD :eek: WTF?

They would be getting a nice (€20:pac:)picture frame or €50 tops from me and nothing else!! I'd say a good lot of people either dropped out of that wedding or just got them a present anyway. As the couple can't turn around and say ehhhh we don't want this present gimme the money instead :pac: Though going by the sounds of it there probably some cheeky farts out there who would.

average_runner

Not all bridesmaids get their dress paid for.


I always find it funny that if the bride pays for the dress, shoes etc, the bridesmaids expects to keep them automatically.


There was a shock at our wedding when we said all we paid for was going to a charity shop!! But its better going there to help other people out that dont have it!

Stuck Cone

average_runner wrote: »

Not all bridesmaids get their dress paid for.


I always find it funny that if the bride pays for the dress, shoes etc, the bridesmaids expects to keep them automatically.


There was a shock at our wedding when we said all we paid for was going to a charity shop!! But its better going there to help other people out that dont have it!

well i hope the op ditched her friend and the wedding as it should belong to her i cant believe it weddings are a bigger con than irish psychics live im raging here just thinking about it david norris didnt risk everything for this

dipdipdoo

Stuck Cone wrote: »

david norris didnt risk everything for this

huh?