Wasn't told I would have to pay for bridesmaid dress

Bubblefett · 29-06-2012 12:39PM

dipdipdoo wrote: »

Well she was complaining to me that people who aren't coming to the wedding might not get her a gift...

That to me sums up this bride- selfish and no concept of the world does not revolve around her wedding.
Tell her flat out you cannot afford all she's asking. I imagine if you say you won't get her a gift cause of all the other expenses she'll have a hissy cause your spending her present money on yourself (going by what you've said- she seems to see the world with blinkers on).
Hell with the way it's going I'd suggest stepping down from bridesmaid and just being a guest- tell her that way you'll still buy her a present and I'm sure she'll be over joyed.

seamus · 29-06-2012 12:55PM

Using the dress as your present to the bride & groom is a good idea. Though I would state it beforehand rather than just saying nothing, as that will make you look like the one who was stingy. So tell her that you'll pay for the dress and the makeup as your present to her. Don't forget to give them an empty card after the wedding.

The bridal shower I think is up to you how you play it. Usually in Ireland people have an engagement party rather than a bridal shower, where people can bring presents if they want to, but they're definitely not required to. I would be inclined to text/email all the guests who are coming and ask them to bring along one food dish and some drink, or contribute €20 to the kitty so that you can sort it.
Then they'll know that the bride nor her sister are throwing the party and it's likely that you'll have more food than you need.
That depends on the numbers of course - if there would be less than ten people at the shower, I'd go down the "let's order food in" route. But if you're expecting more then you'd be better off having a table of food there for people to pick at.

You may also have to accept that this could be the beginning of the end of your friendship with her. Weddings bring out the worst in horrible people and the best in decent people.
My sister-in-law had an old schoolfriend who they knew was high maintenace but turned into the classical crazy bitch when she got engaged. As the first to get engaged, there were 18 months dedicated to her and her wedding, she got herself so worked up about it that she had a seizure while dress shopping; only she's not epileptic.
She even went as far as to cut off friends who dared to have their boyfriends propose before she got married and went for a ridiculously lavish hen and then "uninvited" a number of girls who didn't go.

Eventually she lost all of her friends over it; within 12 months of getting married, they had all cut her out.

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 01:24PM

ToniTuddle wrote: »

So in total you are paying for all of this by yourself...

-Bridal Shower(food and drink for lord knows how many guests)
-Bridesmaid Dress
-Hair+Make UP
-Any jewellery+shoes+handbag to match dress
-Hotel Room
-Second night meal

You forgot:

- Hen night
- Spa day

ToniTuddle wrote: »

....telling her that by doing this it's your present to her will NOT go down well :pac:
When(not if:p) it doesn't go down well will you end up buying her a present/giving her money anyway to smooth things over?

Definitely not. I'm so frustrated with her. I can't understand how someone can expect so much of others :mad: - I would be MORTIFIED to ask anyone to pay for all this stuff, and I really think that the thing about the meal is an absolute disgrace.

I guess my biggest problem is the sister. I'm gonna have two of them ganging up on me, doing the whole "it's the most important day of her life!! And you're RUINING IT!!" thing. *Sigh*

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 01:29PM

seamus wrote: »

Using the dress as your present to the bride & groom is a good idea. Though I would state it beforehand rather than just saying nothing, as that will make you look like the one who was stingy.

Yeah, I definitely think you're right. I really have to try to stay calm, state my case, and then, when they (inevitably) get bolshy, just walk away.

seamus wrote: »

The bridal shower ... I would be inclined to text/email all the guests who are coming and ask them to bring along one food dish and some drink, or contribute €20 to the kitty so that you can sort it.

That's a good idea... spread the joy

seamus wrote: »

You may also have to accept that this could be the beginning of the end of your friendship with her.

I'm pretty sure it is.

seamus wrote: »

there were 18 months dedicated to her and her wedding, she got herself so worked up about it that she had a seizure while dress shopping; only she's not epileptic.

This actually made me guffaw

:D

Ironman76 · 29-06-2012 01:48PM

Youll get much more respect from the ugly sisters if you walk away. I know its easier said than done but you need to stand up for yourself here. You sound very easy going and the fact you speak highly of her here says a lot about you (you may be a bit of her league when it comes to having class). I sense your being walked all over.

Good luck with it anyway.

Forest Demon · 29-06-2012 01:59PM

Tell them to feck off. She will be asking you to help her out at the honeymoon next. You might as well as you are getting screwed Girl.

Some people :rolleyes:

She should be getting you a present for being bridesmaid. I have learned that its best to cut ties with friends like that. Its usually a one way street and not worth it.

ToniTuddle · 29-06-2012 02:30PM

dipdipdoo wrote: »

You forgot:

- Hen night
- Spa day

*blesses herself* :eek:

Well Holy Mary she is something else :pac: I'm sorry but I'm kinda laughing not at you but her and how ridiculous she is being. I'm imagining a really bad Hollywood comedy of sorts

Definitely not. I'm so frustrated with her. I can't understand how someone can expect so much of others :mad: - I would be MORTIFIED to ask anyone to pay for all this stuff, and I really think that the thing about the meal is an absolute disgrace.

I guess my biggest problem is the sister. I'm gonna have two of them ganging up on me, doing the whole "it's the most important day of her life!! And you're RUINING IT!!" thing. *Sigh*

See the Bridal Shower.....is that where you give the bride her wedding presents early? Or is it a completely different thing where she just gets extra presents on top of her wedding day gifts?

Is there anyway to get your friend completely alone and away from the sister? You would be able to talk to her quietly and privately then about how all of this is a lot to take on and you simply can't.

Even if they did roar and shout or if the sister gets onto after your conversation with the friend about ruining her day and making her upset...or whatever BS they come up with. You will know that you have NOT ruined her day, she seems to be perfectly capable of doing that herself. She's gonna lose quite a few friends over this.

Is she actually inviting all the wedding guests to a meal the next night and not telling them they will have to pay for it??

That's just plain weird.

Sorry ye have to go through this hassle. If you do end up losing her as a friend it will be sad and disappointing but at same time you are most definitely better off. Of course getting married is an important day but it's NOT the "most important" day of her life. In time she might she that but by then she will have burnt way too many bridges!

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 02:39PM

ToniTuddle wrote: »

See the Bridal Shower.....is that where you give the bride her wedding presents early? Or is it a completely different thing where she just gets extra presents on top of her wedding day gifts?

Oh no, these are extra presents. But she's the BRIDE. It's her RIGHT!

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 02:46PM

ToniTuddle wrote: »

Is there anyway to get your friend completely alone and away from the sister?

I think I'm gonna have to try. Part of the problem is that the sister seems to be egging her on. If I try to explain to both of them at the same time that this isn't normal, It's just gonna end up in a screaming match.

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 02:49PM

ToniTuddle wrote: »

She's gonna lose quite a few friends over this.

ToniTuddle wrote: »

Is she actually inviting all the wedding guests to a meal the next night and not telling them they will have to pay for it?? That's just plain weird.

As far as I can make out. I've seen the invitations, and they don't mention anything about paying for the meal. So unless she has told them in person...? But I doubt that, since she only sprang the dress thing on me at the last minute!

I don't know how people are going to react. It's gonna make for a really rotten atmosphere, anyway.

tipptopper · 29-06-2012 02:50PM

Myself and the better half were invited to a wedding in Galway last year and of course accepted the invite with pleasure.

About a week before the wedding I got a text from the happy couple to be saying they were really looking forward to our company at the wedding an rather than giving presents, they would appreciate 150e per head as a wedding present.

We couldn’t believe what we were reading, there and then we decided we weren’t going, it wasn’t the amount of money that put us off, twas the bare faced cheek of txn everyone of the invited guests more or less demanding 300 per couple.

And to top it all off, the next day party was held in Buskers in Galway to where they had a cover charge of 2e each to cover the cost of whatever grub was put on that day, I kid you not. Op, grow a pair and tell em to do one, who the hell needs “friends” like them.

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 02:54PM

tipptopper wrote: »

About a week before the wedding I got a text from the happy couple to be saying they were really looking forward to our company at the wedding an rather than giving presents, they would appreciate 150e per head as a wedding present.

Mother of God. People are MENTAL.

Shint0 · 29-06-2012 03:29PM

You do realise it's not going to end there. After the wedding as part of your bridesmaid's 'duties' you will have to throw a party when they come back from honeymoon, and another for the dvd and wedding album.

It sounds like they had you factored into the budget from the beginning and possibly see you as a soft touch. I think this belongs over in the AH thread on the stingiest thing you've seen stingy people do, although it's so excessive it deserves a thread of it's own.

Cathmandooo · 29-06-2012 03:32PM

tipptopper I'm so glad you didn't go to that wedding, I just can't get my head around people like that. I can't understand how they think it's anything near acceptable behaviour.

dipdipdoo I agree you should link this thread to the bride. I understand it's difficult to confront these issues, especially when you have been given dirty looks already so maybe just showing her other people's views might knock some sense into her.

Stuck Cone · 29-06-2012 03:33PM

When will people realise weddings are a con??

mitosis · 29-06-2012 03:35PM

In my experience it is not usual or acceptable to be asked to pay for your bridesmaid outfit. Hair and makeup, however, the bridesmaid would be responsible for herself. The men will have suits rented for them, no? The best man is not going to have his shave and haircut paid for, is he?

ToniTuddle · 29-06-2012 03:36PM

dipdipdoo wrote: »

Oh no, these are extra presents. But she's the BRIDE. It's her RIGHT!

:eek::eek::eek:

Bridal shower is a totally American thing. That's just insane.

dipdipdoo wrote: »

As far as I can make out. I've seen the invitations, and they don't mention anything about paying for the meal. So unless she has told them in person...? But I doubt that, since she only sprang the dress thing on me at the last minute!

I don't know how people are going to react. It's gonna make for a really rotten atmosphere, anyway.

What if they don't have any money on them?? Like some may only bring a bit for a drink or two and then head home. If they are presented with a bill.....oh God that's gonna be awkward as hell :eek:

tipptopper wrote: »

About a week before the wedding I got a text from the happy couple to be saying they were really looking forward to our company at the wedding an rather than giving presents, they would appreciate 150e per head as a wedding present.

And to top it all off, the next day party was held in Buskers in Galway to where they had a cover charge of 2e each to cover the cost of whatever grub was put on that day, I kid you not. Op, grow a pair and tell em to do one, who the hell needs “friends” like them.

€150 PER HEAD :eek: WTF?

They would be getting a nice (€20:pac:)picture frame or €50 tops from me and nothing else!! I'd say a good lot of people either dropped out of that wedding or just got them a present anyway. As the couple can't turn around and say ehhhh we don't want this present gimme the money instead :pac: Though going by the sounds of it there probably some cheeky farts out there who would.

average_runner · 29-06-2012 03:38PM

Not all bridesmaids get their dress paid for.

I always find it funny that if the bride pays for the dress, shoes etc, the bridesmaids expects to keep them automatically.

There was a shock at our wedding when we said all we paid for was going to a charity shop!! But its better going there to help other people out that dont have it!

Stuck Cone · 29-06-2012 03:40PM

average_runner wrote: »

Not all bridesmaids get their dress paid for.

I always find it funny that if the bride pays for the dress, shoes etc, the bridesmaids expects to keep them automatically.

There was a shock at our wedding when we said all we paid for was going to a charity shop!! But its better going there to help other people out that dont have it!

well i hope the op ditched her friend and the wedding as it should belong to her i cant believe it weddings are a bigger con than irish psychics live im raging here just thinking about it david norris didnt risk everything for this

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 04:11PM

Stuck Cone wrote: »

david norris didnt risk everything for this

huh?

John Mason · 29-06-2012 04:21PM

the last time i was MOH, i bought my own dress, done my own hair and make-uo and paid for my hotel room.

i didnt give them a present.

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 04:26PM

irishbird wrote: »

the last time i was MOH, i bought my own dress, done my own hair and make-uo and paid for my hotel room.

i didnt give them a present.

Did you tell them beforehand that you wouldn't be giving them a present, or was it just understood?

clint_silver · 29-06-2012 04:39PM

Stuck Cone wrote: »

well i hope the op ditched her friend and the wedding as it should belong to her i cant believe it weddings are a bigger con than irish psychics live im raging here just thinking about it david norris didnt risk everything for this

Disagree completely. It can be a con if you let it which the bride here seems to be doing. Most weddings are brilliant. My own wedding was the greatest day Ive ever had. Some of the other best days Ive ever had have been at friends weddings.
If youre spending a day with anything up to 200 people, they need to be fed and entertained. how you do that depends on your budget and how creative you are.
If you dont want to do that, then dont.

Daisy M · 29-06-2012 05:39PM

From the sounds of it op you are justifiably unhappy with this situation. What I don't understand is why you are still going ahead with been bridesmaid. You yourself have agreed that the friendship is unlikely to survive this wedding so why put yourself through the expense, hassle and stress of been a part of this wedding party. I know you say your friend is normally a lovely person but maybe this is her true colours showing through. How long have you known her?

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 05:55PM

Daisy M wrote: »

How long have you known her?

I've only known her for about 18 months. When she asked me first, I was quite surprised, because at that stage we hadn't even known each other a year, but we got on really well, so I thought it'd be fine. I'm really regretting it now.

The whole thing is compounded by the fact that we work together, so the ramifications are... painful.

Maldesu · 29-06-2012 06:13PM

dipdipdoo wrote: »

The whole thing is compounded by the fact that we work together, so the ramifications are... painful.

All the more reason to put a stop to it now. It will eventually flow into your workplace and you'll be even more annoyed. Not only does she expect you to foot a large bill, she'll be dropping off her workload on you when she goes of on her honeymoon.

Paying for the dresses is an American idea. I'm sure if the situation was reversed she'd tell you were to go if you asked her to pay.

Daisy M · 29-06-2012 06:42PM

I think you should approach her and be honest but in an nonconfrontational way. Explain that you didn't realise the expense involved as you personally had never experienced this when you were previously a bridesmaid. Let her know you are unable to commite to all the pre wedding celebrations as there are too many. Explain that you wouldn't feel comfortable with this no matter who the person was as it is too much to expect from anyone.

Alarm bells ring loud for me when you say its just you (whom she has only known for 18mths) and her sister as bridesmaids. It is very unusual that she does not have long term closer friends that she would have asked. Maybe this sense of entitlement she has is a family thing and you are only seeing it now.

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 09:02PM

Daisy M wrote: »

I think you should approach her and be honest but in an nonconfrontational way.

I think you're right, I know I have to (wo)man up and deal with it calmly, but head-on.

Daisy M wrote: »

Alarm bells ring loud for me when you say its just you (whom she has only known for 18mths) and her sister as bridesmaids. It is very unusual that she does not have long term closer friends that she would have asked.

Maybe I should have seen that before now, I was surprised when she asked me, but she told me that her friends had always been male, and that she felt like I was her best friend.

Do I ever feel like an idiot now...

Teyla Emmagan · 29-06-2012 09:08PM

dipdipdoo wrote: »

Maybe I should have seen that before now, I was surprised when she asked me, but she told me that her friends had always been male, and that she felt like I was her best friend.

Do I ever feel like an idiot now...

No, it's not your fault, you were only being kind. But if she's that stuck for friends you would think that both herself and the sister would be treating you a whole lot better!!

Sea Filly · 30-06-2012 01:13AM

seamus wrote: »

You may also have to accept that this could be the beginning of the end of your friendship with her.

dipdipdoo wrote: »

I'm pretty sure it is.

Then why go to all that expense? Walk away, you don't deserve such treatment. Stick up for yourself!

Wasn't told I would have to pay for bridesmaid dress

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