Wasn't told I would have to pay for bridesmaid dress

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 10:04AM #1

Hi there,

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, and, having been a bridesmaid several times before, which I thought was fun, I accepted.

The wedding is now in 10 weeks time, I have helped her with all kinds of decisions, have discussed problems with her, have gone shopping with her to find her wedding dress, but we hadn't yet got around to sorting out the bridesmaid dresses.

Time now running out, we went shopping yesterday. As we set out, I asked her what her budget was, and her sister (maid of honour) jumped down my throat and said that the bridesmaids always pay for their own dresses. They both seemed really angry with me that I had even suggested that it might be otherwise, but honestly, for every wedding I have ever been in (or attended), the bride and groom covered the costs of the bridesmaids.

Earlier on in the process, I got the impression that we were to pay for our own make-up and hair, which I am totally fine with, but now it looks like we are covering our total costs.

In addition, they have decided to have a second day at the wedding, but they say they can't afford the meal, so they are getting the guests to pay for their own dinner. I'm not sure any of the guests know this yet.

The maid of honour has also told me that not only will there be a hen night, but there will be a bridal shower too (with gifts, food, games, etc., all laid on by the bridesmaids). And the bride has said that she wants to do a day in a spa too.

I am totally supportive of my friend having a very special day, but I don't know how to handle this. Having to pay for the bridesmaid dress (adhering to her colour choices, etc.) is just not something I expected. Am I being unreasonable? Is this the norm now?

Please help!

louise5754 · 29-06-2012 10:11AM

No way are you being unreasonable. Thats mad that they want you to pay for your own dress!! It sounds like she wants a huge wedding but none of the expense. Are you also expected to cover the cost of the hen night, wedding shower and spa day??

toadfly · 29-06-2012 10:11AM

That's ridiculous, tell her to f off. seriously some people think they and their wedding is the most important thing in the world.

sbsquarepants · 29-06-2012 10:12AM

You've got to be joking!
I've never been a bridesmaid (wrong gender!) but that is absolutely ridiculous, your "friend" sounds like a spoiled little bitch. I wouldn't be having any part of it to be honest.

endacl · 29-06-2012 10:15AM

I want a mars bar, but I'm out of cash. So no mars bar for me.

If she can't pay for a 'special day', then she can't have a special day. Silly girl.

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 10:26AM

louise5754 wrote: »

Are you also expected to cover the cost of the hen night, wedding shower and spa day??

I think so. The maid of honour contacted me and asked me to host the bridal shower, which would mean that I would provide the food and a substantial portion of drink. I said that I was happy to, but that I would only be able to do either the bridal shower or the hen, because I can't afford to do both. She got a bit arsey about it, and said that the shower would only cost about €20. I'm not sure how she came up with that figure.

Sleepy · 29-06-2012 10:29AM

Send your friend a link to this thread. She'll be told that she's being absolutely unreasonable.

I've seen bridesmaids cover the cost of their own dress before on shows like "Don't Tell The Bride" etc. but most of those have seemed to be a case of the groom blowing the budget and asking the bridesmaids could he settle up with them after the wedding (i.e. with his own cash rather than the production company's).

If they're working on that tight a budget you could offer to pay for the dress, shoes, make-up etc and consider it your present to the bride and groom?

bryaner · 29-06-2012 10:35AM

Some people are just incredible, I would not consider the bride as a friend op, all fur coat and no knickers comes to mind..

bette · 29-06-2012 10:37AM

Walk the other way! With friends like that...

Steven81 · 29-06-2012 10:38AM

Take the cost of your dress out of the wedding money you giving them

testicle · 29-06-2012 10:41AM

Steven81 wrote: »

Take the cost of your dress out of the wedding money you giving them

Or just don't give them a present. I wouldn't in this case.

stargazer 68 · 29-06-2012 10:41AM

Steven81 wrote: »

Take the cost of your dress out of the wedding money you giving them

Don't give them any at all! :eek:

Jogathon · 29-06-2012 10:43AM

Unbelievable. Not the normal thing at all. I can't believe that they want you to pay for a dress that you're wearing as a favour to them, and will probably never wear again! I'd tell her that you'll buy the dress, but it'll be your wedding present to her. As for the shower, host it, but cook everything yourself and it could be done for €50. Drink should be brought by guests - cos who would turn up with both arms hanging anyway! That way you are not causing any grief or dramatics before the wedding and you'll come out as being the bigger person.

On a sidenote - imagine the stunned guests who have to pay for their own meal on the second day!!!! Hilarious!

bette · 29-06-2012 10:44AM

Why bother with conflict? Just walk away from the angry ladies. Tell them you don't agree with their financial nonsense. You will be in their bad books either way so why incur the expense as well?

Moonbeam · 29-06-2012 10:45AM

If you want someone to wear a certain dress then you pay for it simple,she should also pay for your hair and make up. That is the way things are normally done.
Is she expecting you to pay for your own hotel room too?
I think she is being completely unreasonable .
Are the groomsmen paying for their own suit hire?

I have heard of bridesmaids helping out their bride friend on a budget by offering to pay half the price or the full price of the bridesmaids dresses as a present to help out but never been told that they had to.

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 10:47AM

Moonbeam wrote: »

Is she expecting you to pay for your own hotel room too?

Yes

Sleepy · 29-06-2012 10:47AM

For the shower: head for your nearest Tesco and pick up a few bottles of their Sovio: it's a 4% sparkling pink wine that sells for €3 a bottle. Or you could go for Lambrusco Rosé at two euro something either. Since the bride and her sister are so lacking in class, they won't know the difference between that and good stuff anyway so just have it poured into champagne flutes on a tray when they arrive and they'll be none the wiser.

NoodleMc · 29-06-2012 11:09AM

The bride's not American is she?
It's traditional in the US for the bridemaids and groomsmen to buy/rent their own outfits. That's why you see weddings with 10/12 bridemaids!!
I lived there for a number of years so had the pleasure of having to buy two beautiful hot pink outfits!!!

ynul31f47k6b59 · 29-06-2012 11:14AM

She sounds like a cow with a sister who's even worse and I wouldn't go near the wedding with a barge pole. The neck of her.

I got the girls dresses, shoes, wraps, bags, jewellery, covering hair & make-up if they decide they want to get it done professionally (both are great at their own and aren't sure yet) - at this stage there's so much outside stuff going on that I really just want to show up and get married and feck all the extras.

Tell her you'll buy it, but you'll be choosing everything about it yourself.

Cow.

hoodwinked · 29-06-2012 11:27AM

as a bride getting married in two weeks,

i have 3 bridesmaids, i offered to pay for everything and this is how it worked out

i bought all 3 dresses,
im paying for all 3 hair to be done,
i am paying for 1 Maid of honors make up to be done as the other two requested they do their own.
they are wearing any shoes they like/already own so im not paying for those,
Jewelery im buying them jewelery to wear as gifts,

and i would say i got off lightly, as im not caught for tans (they have them anyway)..nails...etc.

but i would pay for them if i was requesting them.

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 12:00PM

NoodleMc wrote: »

The bride's not American is she?

No, although I think she does have some American friends, so unless she has mixed up her traditions...?

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 12:01PM

Sleepy wrote: »

For the shower: head for your nearest Tesco ... Since the bride and her sister are so lacking in class, they won't know the difference between that and good stuff anyway

Thanks for making me laugh!

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 12:03PM

I'm glad that I'm not going mad, at least! I think I might take the advice to suggest that it will be my wedding gift to her, although given how she has been about everything so far, I am not sure how that will go down...

Anyway, thanks for all the advice - I'll be sure to let you know how I get on!

christmas2012 · 29-06-2012 12:05PM

as long as you dont have to cover other wedding expenses,is she expecting a huge present too???

dipdipdoo · 29-06-2012 12:11PM

christmas2012 wrote: »

is she expecting a huge present too???

Well she was complaining to me that people who aren't coming to the wedding might not get her a gift...

Man, as I write this stuff down, she sounds really horrible, but she's usually nice, I swear!

christmas2012 · 29-06-2012 12:19PM

she should be humble and count herself lucky she can at least afford a big white wedding - a lot of people cant spare much aside let alone for a big wedding..

she sounds like a bridezilla and if she keeps up that attitude post wedding she sounds like a stuck up brat.

i know shes your friend but people can change fast ive seen it myself had some bad experiences there,but dont let that put you off maybe its just a one day thing,hopefully it is..

i wouldnt get a lavish present,something small and humble and if she falls out with you over that she is superficial and shallow..

29-06-2012 12:19PM

She might be nice, but she comes across as extremely spoiled and selfish!

She wants a hen AND a Bridal shower AND a spa.......what bull****

if there was ever a time to opt out of anything i think this is it.

byronbay2 · 29-06-2012 12:23PM

On the basis that you are not pulling my chain (surely a possibility), this thread is hilarious. They'll be asking you to make the wedding cake next!:)

mayordenis · 29-06-2012 12:23PM

I'm not one to advocate violence but the old kick in the gowl comes to mind.

But really the Bride is way way out of line here, don't feel bad in the slightest if you can't or won't put up with her nonsense.

happywithlife · 29-06-2012 12:29PM

is she having a wedding or getting married?
i hate all this bridezilla b**l -- getting married should be about the committment a couple are making to each other -- dont' get me wrong when i got married i did have the typical irish wedding and i think it is ok to celebrate a couple's love -- but she is taking the p**s

if she is choosing the dress, she should pay for it too ... like others i can see good friends saying they'd pay for it when the couple are strapped for cash and not having any other 'extras' but this one wants the full works without the bill ....

tbh i'd be walking away ....

as for the 'shower' i wouldn't cook ... i'd say i'd have it at mine, everyone bring their own drink and we'll order in once everyone arrives ... by on earth should you be up the walls all day slaving and cooking for such an ungrateful crowd ?

ToniTuddle · 29-06-2012 12:34PM

So in total you are paying for all of this by yourself...

-Bridal Shower(food and drink for lord knows how many guests)
-Bridesmaid Dress
-Hair+Make UP
-Any jewellery+shoes+handbag to match dress
-Hotel Room
-Second night meal

I love my mates dearly but if anyone of them actually expected all that of me they would be told very clearly that it just isn't possible! Does she think you are made of money??

Even if you can afford to pay for all that it's not the point. It's very feicin rude to just expect you to pay.

You seem to be very/too easy going and just letting her have her own way. Remember she expects you to pay for all this....telling her that by doing this it's your present to her will NOT go down well :pac:
When(not if:p) it doesn't go down well will you end up buying her a present/giving her money anyway to smooth things over?

Wasn't told I would have to pay for bridesmaid dress

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