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My boyfriend was with a prostitute

24

Comments

  • #32
    Da Shins Kelly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,047 ✭✭✭Da Shins Kelly


    I'm not going to pass comment on what your boyfriend did or make assumptions, because there's no way anyone on here knows exactly what happened or what was going through his mind when he did it. You know your boyfriend best. I think maybe you should take some time to think this over and figure out how you feel, and then maybe have a chat about it with your boyfriend. You need to think about if you can think about your boyfriend in the same way again, if you can forget about what he did, if you feel as though your boyfriend is different now. If you can do all of the above, then you can work things out. If you can't, then maybe it's best to move on. Nobody can tell you how to feel about this, but I think you definitely need to take some time by yourself and also with your boyfriend and work out your feelings.


  • #33
    Killed By Death
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 143 ✭✭Killed By Death


    Confused21(op) wrote: »
    but then my bf said the other guys were getting more and more serious about it.
    So, they went outside the bar, picked 'their girls' and my bf had oral sex with this girl (now that I think about it I have no idea WHERE) while the other guys did stuff with 'their girls'. Anyway, 'his' prostitute left, and his other friend's did too, but one of the girls stayed and was asking them to come back to her apartment. He said he just "went along with it" and once they got there she was all "who first?".

    His friends weren't in the room, they went out on the balcony to smoke. He said he was only gonna let her suck him off (sorry again, tmi) but ended up saying "what the heck" and he had sex with her. Then he came out to the balcony, and one of the other guys went in..etc. : /

    Look OP. He's doing that very human thing of trying to minimise his active participation in it. Notice how in all the examples in bold everything that happened was either his friends idea or the prostitutes idea or neutrally 'just happened'? According to his story he is a passive onlooker without voilition.

    He can't have it both ways. He was fully involved. He was FIRST in to that girl at the 'apartment' (one room with a balcony) He did what he did because HE wanted to, not because he was 'under pressure' from his friends, not because the prostitute persuaded him. His own free will.

    The language used in his attempts to minimise his participation is very typical of someone in denial about their own voluntary participation in the events. In social groups individuals tend to attempt to push responsibility onto other members of the group and depict themselves as powerless followers even when they were prime movers in the act. That denial and attempt to deflect responsibility is very typical shame behaviour. So I wouldn't necessarily believe that version of events.

    But as you rightly said, he knows on some level it was wrong but he doesn't want to admit that to himself. There is cognitive dissonance there. He also wants you to join his denial and minimise the facts and has become impatient when you refuse to do so.
    Confused21(op) wrote: »
    Anyway, he rang me last night and he said "I left because I didn't want to say anything else stupid". But It was as if he kind of had a problem with me being mad over this!! He was kind of impatient on the phone almost. He just kept saying "it was a long time ago, I was hammered" and stuff. He was apologetic, but he doesn't seem to 'get' how angry I am over this. I know to a certain extent, he knows it was wrong; he kept saying "no really, you're gonna hate me though", but I can't explain it, he was quite jovial about it. I kept pestering him to tell me because I was expecting some funny, drunken story. I kept saying "oh come on! How bad could it be? So long as you didn't sleep with your sister or something I'm not gonna care!". THIS didn't even enter my mind.

    You have every right to consider how you feel about this and to mull it over. The pertinent fact is it shows you something about him you were not aware of before. People keep saying it's in the past as if that means you should just forget about it, but that's not wise. You get your clues and cues on peoples behaviour by looking at their past behaviour.

    The fact that he thinks it's no big deal and wants you to just shut up about it and accept it is a bad sign. It'd be so much better if he just came clean, explained the whole thing without trying to justify or mimimise it or blame everyone involved except himself. That's the problem, he's annoyed that you won't just laugh along with him and normalise it.
    Confused21(op) wrote: »
    Please keep in mind that this is a good guy, he's not a "bad person". He's just a funny, normal guy, not the kind of "creep" I would associate with sh*t like this. It's shocking.

    The majority of men who use prostitutes ARE just 'normal' guys. Someone above said they didn't think the average man in the street would have used a prostitute but I think it's quite common especially on holiday, where people do things they might not do at home. They all got a prostitute each and they all got 'seconds to share' as well. That is a fact.
    Confused21(op) wrote: »
    Tbh, I'm surprised he even told me, what sort of idiot would think their GIRLFRIEND would be ok with this.

    Someone who thinks it's no big deal evidently. He's furiously trying to backtrack now, it was all everyone elses idea...he was drunk....it was years ago and then when you're still shocked and weirded out he gets annoyed and indignant with you.


  • #34
    bouncebouncey
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 90 ✭✭bouncebouncey


    So here is the breakdown.

    Your BF and his friends were out on a night on the tiles. They were on a strip/boulevard where there were hookers.

    The decided to pick up a street hooker each. Your boyfriend had oral sex with the prostitute of his choice. On the street presumably as they weren't driving and were out on the town.

    One of the three street prostitutes, possibly in desperation for more money, suggested that she go back to their apartment. Or maybe they suggested it to her. Your BF, and his friends, were happy enough with that plan and took her back to where they were staying.

    His other friends were on the balcony smoking :rolleyes: and your BF decided he wouldn't get a blowjob he'd have sex with this girl instead. Your boyfriend finished having sex with her before his friends could finish smoking :rolleyes: and he went out and the next one went in. So in reality they decided they'd take turns with 2 waiting outside while the other went in and had sex with her.

    It then ends with one of them verbally abusing the girl and cumming on her.

    That's pretty f**ked up. None of this can get written off with 'ah I was pissed'. First off drinking doesn't excuse your behaviour ever. If you can't behave when you drink then don't drink at all. Second thing is that this isn't a minor blip on the night. It's not like being drunk and blurting out to a friend 'I always thought such and such is a right w**ker!' the regretting not keeping that to yourself the next day.

    They went out drinking and cruising a red light district for prostitutes. Picked out prostitutes to be with individually. Were with them in the street. Then took one back to their apartment. They decided on the running order, your BF being first man up, and took turns having sex with her. Then one of them acted in an abusive manner to her verbally as well as doing something disgusting to her that she wasn't happy with and your boyfriend thought it was funny.

    I wouldn't concern yourself with what kind of desperate person needs to pander to the sexual needs of three absolute d**kheads to make her way in the world. Unfortunately there are plenty of people in the world who have to sell their bodies to make ends meet. Street prostitution is usually a sign of desperation and it's quite different to escorting. That's another story for another day.

    Bottom line is your boyfriend made a lot of conscious decisions on the night in question. You might think he's not a bad guy and all that. Maybe he's not. However IMO it's your actions that define you and you've found out another facet of his personality and a disturbing one at that.

    I also disagree vehemently about it being common for men to solicit prostitutes on holiday. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but to suggest it's commonplace and that 'sharing' prostitutes is par for the course is wildly inaccurate IMO. I'm not claiming that people who solicit escorts and prostitutes aren't your average joe. What I'm saying is that for every 1 average joe that engages in this, be it here or on holiday, there are 99 who don't.


  • #35
    issem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 47 ✭issem


    ihsb wrote: »
    Also that he felt ok having sex with someone that didn't want to do it with him (it is just for the money)

    For many guys it's their only option. Guys can't just go out to a club and be guaranteed sex like women can.


  • #36
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    issem wrote: »
    For many guys it's their only option. Guys can't just go out to a club and be guaranteed sex like women can.

    We are humans not animals. You will find a lot are married men or guys who want sex without the effort of having a relationship.


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  • #37
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OK - let's keep replies on topic to the OP.
    As a reminder from our Charter - keep replies civil and constructive to the OP or don't post.

    Also - generalisations are against forum rules.

    Thanks
    Taltos


  • #38
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Its a bad story.

    Very dehumanising behaviour. Without commenting on the morality of prostitution, very disturbing for 3 male pals to be sharing a woman they are paying for sex with. Very disrespectful way to behave towards another human being.

    Paying for sex is bad. Three of them sharing her is bad. Laughing at her is bad. Going against her express wishes by coming on her is bad. Two of the guys having girlfriends is also bad.

    Another poster has pointed out that he is trivialising the incident and using language that minimises his involvement in it. I agree.

    Personally Id rather not be intimate with someone who could treat another human being like that. Its the same way Id rather not be with a bully or someone who picks fights with weaker people etc... Id just rather be with someone who has respect for other people.


  • #39
    lace
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 400 ✭✭lace


    Hi OP!

    First off - you are not over-reacting. You have every right to be shocked by what your bf did. I think you first of all need to take some time away from him to sort out how you feel about the whole thing.

    The fact that you pestered him to tell you is irrelevant. You were probably expecting some kind of "got hammered and stripped off outside a bingo hall" drunken story and I don't for one moment believe that his initial reluctance to tell you the story shows any kind of remorse on his part. He said he didn't want to tell you because you wouldn't like it - not because it was something he deeply regretted and was horribly ashamed of.

    This all happened 3 years ago and he could very well have changed a lot and no longer be capable of treating a woman like this. However, I will say that (from what you've posted here) he doesn't seem too ashamed or sorry about the whole thing and seems to be angry at you for being mad about it rather than at his younger, drunken self for doing it in the first place.

    Once you've had time to think it all over again, have another talk with him face-to-face. See how it goes from there. If he seems truly sorry (for doing it, not for telling you) and you believe he has changed then perhaps the two of you can work past this and be happy together.

    On a side note, I've noticed the term "consenting adults" being thrown around a lot. I'd just like to add that prostitutes are rarely ever consenting adults. Prostitutes are usually acting under duress, influenced through coercion and blackmail. A woman agreeing to sex with three men because her pimp has threatened to harm/kill her/her family can hardly be considered willing. I'd also like to add that the age of this girl cannot be confirmed.


  • #40
    issem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 47 ✭issem


    skooterblue2 wrote: »
    We are humans not animals.

    Men have a very strong psychological need for sex that you cannot comprehend as a woman. Add to this the grossly over-sexualized culture we are living in and you cannot fault men for seeking sex in whichever way is available to them, for many guys that is exclusively down to paying for it.
    You will find a lot are married men or guys who want sex without the effort of having a relationship.

    And a lot are single guys that can't get someone in their lives and have no other way of obtaining sexual relief.


  • #41
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    issem - you have received the warning for ignoring the prior mod warning and continued to debate with no advice offered to the OP.

    PI/RI is not a debate forum - it is an advice forum.
    If you want to debate the merits of prostitution take it to PM or to another forum but don't continue it here.


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  • #42
    issem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 47 ✭issem


    Taltos wrote: »
    issem - you have received the warning for ignoring the prior mod warning and continued to debate with no advice offered to the OP.

    PI/RI is not a debate forum - it is an advice forum.
    If you want to debate the merits of prostitution take it to PM or to another forum but don't continue it here.

    Sorry. I had already posted the post before I saw your warning.

    I'll offer some advice to the OP now:

    OP, most women on a world-wide scale would do anything for (as you described him) a nice, good guy who wants to commit and they'd be willing to forget the past. Wait until he does something that actually has bearing on NOW, rather than fret over something which occurred in the past (especially something as slight as this). In my view, if you're willing to dump a guy over this you'll always be knit picking for tiny faults to break up with your future partners, which is an ongoing trend...


  • #43
    snafuk35
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 833 ✭✭✭snafuk35


    Hi OP,

    You are being utterly hyprocritical.
    You have had sex with other people and you have had one night stands.
    So why is that ok? He clearly didn't have a problem with that?
    When he reveals he had sex with a prostitute that makes him sick? After you basically force him to tell and after he warned you about what you were about to hear?
    There is no moral difference between you sleeping with other men before you met him and his experience with a prostitute.
    You haven't a leg to stand on and your attitude is a complete double standard.
    This guy was revealed something he didn't want and now you have the cheek to judge him.
    There are plenty of other guys who would judge you based on your one-night stands but has he got on your back over that?
    You need to grow up and cop yourself on.
    You dredged up the past when you should have left it well enough alone and now you are complaining about what you learned.
    Tough.


  • #44
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Killed By Death wrote: »
    Look OP. He's doing that very human thing of trying to minimise his active participation in it. Notice how in all the examples in bold everything that happened was either his friends idea or the prostitutes idea or neutrally 'just happened'? According to his story he is a passive onlooker without voilition.

    He can't have it both ways. He was fully involved. He was FIRST in to that girl at the 'apartment' (one room with a balcony) He did what he did because HE wanted to, not because he was 'under pressure' from his friends, not because the prostitute persuaded him. His own free will.

    The language used in his attempts to minimise his participation is very typical of someone in denial about their own voluntary participation in the events. In social groups individuals tend to attempt to push responsibility onto other members of the group and depict themselves as powerless followers even when they were prime movers in the act. That denial and attempt to deflect responsibility is very typical shame behaviour. So I wouldn't necessarily believe that version of events.

    But as you rightly said, he knows on some level it was wrong but he doesn't want to admit that to himself. There is cognitive dissonance there. He also wants you to join his denial and minimise the facts and has become impatient when you refuse to do so.



    You have every right to consider how you feel about this and to mull it over. The pertinent fact is it shows you something about him you were not aware of before. People keep saying it's in the past as if that means you should just forget about it, but that's not wise. You get your clues and cues on peoples behaviour by looking at their past behaviour.

    The fact that he thinks it's no big deal and wants you to just shut up about it and accept it is a bad sign. It'd be so much better if he just came clean, explained the whole thing without trying to justify or mimimise it or blame everyone involved except himself. That's the problem, he's annoyed that you won't just laugh along with him and normalise it.



    The majority of men who use prostitutes ARE just 'normal' guys. Someone above said they didn't think the average man in the street would have used a prostitute but I think it's quite common especially on holiday, where people do things they might not do at home. They all got a prostitute each and they all got 'seconds to share' as well. That is a fact.



    Someone who thinks it's no big deal evidently. He's furiously trying to backtrack now, it was all everyone elses idea...he was drunk....it was years ago and then when you're still shocked and weirded out he gets annoyed and indignant with you.

    Hey, this is the OP again.
    Your post struck me. I'm having really weird reaction to what you wrote in that I feel physically sick and actually quite shaky, but at the same time I almost laughed reading some it because this whole situation and reality is just so weird to me.

    I'm scared to think that they may have 'abused' her in some way. I don't believe they directly coerced her into sex or anything, and obviously I was not there so I don't know the set-up, but the whole "street walker" thing conjures up images of desperation and exploitation for me. I know you say not to be concerned with the girl so much, and obviously, that in her "line of work", she probably would have done it with someone else if it wasn't them. However, it bothers me that he couldn't see the moral issue with having sex with someone who (presumably) was forced into this business. Maybe he has a different idea of what consent is, idk. The nature of the situation just seems horrible to me.

    What you said about him being the "first man up" also bothered me a lot, because yes, surely a passive person in this situation wouldn't be elbowing his way to the front. Someone said something about "some guys can't pull like other guys can" and are somehow 'forced' to resort to prostitutes. But see, this isn't the case with him. He's a good-looking, charming guy. He could get girls if he wanted. In a sense, this unsettles me more, I don't know why. I keep having this running picture in my head of these three stupid rich boys "buying" themselves a (presumably poor) Hawaiian girl for the laugh.

    As for verbally abusing her, as far as I'm aware, his friend came back to the other two on the balcony and told them she was "sh*t". He didn't say this TO the girl. Also, as regards c*mming on her, I don't really know. It wasn't my bf who DID this, but the fact he thought it was funny is quite f*cked up. However, I didn't get the impression his friend treated her aggressively or anything. He said she was "mad" but I'm not quite sure what that means.

    When I say he is a nice person, I really mean it. It's probably why I'm taking this so hard. I'm not the sort of person to 'go for' abusive guys. In fact, he's never even been close to disrespecting me in any way. Also, I've never seen any questionable attitude towards women, he's very nice to his mother, etc. It's very confusing.

    Also to "snafuk35", I don't believe i'm being hypocritical. I wouldn't expect him to judge me for having one-night stands, just as I would not judge him. The difference (in my mind) is that there is no element of duress associated with a one night stand. Whenever I have had a one night stand, I did it for the sole reason that I wanted to have sex with the person. I didn't do it because I was desperate for money or some other reason that 'forced' me into the situation. DO you think that girl had sex with the three of them one after the other just because she was really h*rny?? Give me a break...


  • #45
    gubbie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,134 ✭✭✭gubbie


    Is he much of a porn watcher? Don't they say that porn is warping mens minds about what is normal and what is not? How they treated that girl isn't that much different from what you would find in a porno so maybe he has a two tone way of viewing women - 1) the girlfriend and mother who he treats with complete respect, 2) the porn star and hooker who is there for his pleasure and nothing else


  • #46
    issem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 47 ✭issem


    OP here again wrote: »
    it bothers me that he couldn't see the moral issue with having sex with someone who (presumably) was forced into this business.

    If a woman is forced into prostitution, the alternative would have to be worse, therefore the men paying her for sex are in fact doing her a favor.

    Listen OP, the reality is that this is not a perfect world, it's a very bleak one in fact. In Ireland have a welfare system that just about ensures people are not forced into such dismal positions as selling themselves for money, as a result Irish people experience a strong adverse reaction when confronted with the realities of poverty which are widespread on a global scale. That girl has likely been raised with a survivalist mentality and is desensitized to sex, so she would not be as badly affected as you relate in yourself that you would. They obviously paid her accordingly to what they got, so it's a win/win for both parties.


  • #47
    ihsb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 678 ✭✭✭ihsb


    Hey OP. Before I said that you should talk about it and for me it would be a break up point. But reading your newer posts I would run like the wind.

    He paid for sexual acts with two different women. One sexual act, it could have been alcohol (though I don't buy it) but TWO, he knew what he was doing.

    In the phone call with you it seems like he was fobbing off your reaction. It looks like he is not going to help you get over this so it is up to you to make the call.

    Edit. I just want to point out that Hawaii is in the USA. I have seen people have different reactions to prostitution because of her location, liking it to Thailand. But instead, like it to Oklahoma.


  • #48
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    issem wrote: »

    In Ireland have a welfare system that just about ensures people are not forced into such dismal positions as selling themselves for money, as a result Irish people experience a strong adverse reaction when confronted with the realities of poverty which are widespread on a global scale. That girl has likely been raised with a survivalist mentality and is desensitized to sex, so she would not be as badly affected as you relate in yourself that you would. They obviously paid her accordingly to what they got, so it's a win/win for both parties.

    This post is not about a prostitution debate it is about how one human (or more) took advantage of another one and degraded them. The OP has just discovered this side to a person she never knew about. This is the real issue


  • #49
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    A good point was made - he was with two prostitutes not one.


  • #50
    issem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 47 ✭issem


    It's just crazy how we live in a society that is so sexually open yet if you pay for sex you're a devil. So this is ANOTHER stumbling block for the beta male who can't get anyone in their life; if they refuse to do the unreasonable and stay celibate for years on end by having sex in the only way they can, they'll be judged for it if they ever do find someone who'll probably break up with them over it. Unbelievable.


    OP, don't assume he was able to get sex without paying for it just because he's good-looking, for all you know he was much shier in his younger days. If a man has no other options, you should really think hard about whether it is acceptable in your mind to force indefinite involuntary celibacy on them.


  • #51
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    snafuk35 wrote: »
    Hi OP,

    You are being utterly hyprocritical.
    You have had sex with other people and you have had one night stands.
    So why is that ok? He clearly didn't have a problem with that?
    When he reveals he had sex with a prostitute that makes him sick? After you basically force him to tell and after he warned you about what you were about to hear?
    There is no moral difference between you sleeping with other men before you met him and his experience with a prostitute.
    You haven't a leg to stand on and your attitude is a complete double standard.
    This guy was revealed something he didn't want and now you have the cheek to judge him.
    There are plenty of other guys who would judge you based on your one-night stands but has he got on your back over that?
    You need to grow up and cop yourself on.
    You dredged up the past when you should have left it well enough alone and now you are complaining about what you learned.
    Tough.

    Paying for Sex is wrong, illegal and is a completely different issue from one night stand. One night stand are about two consenting adults, prostitution has elements of organised crime and drugs about it. Where intravenous drugs are involved and diseases like HIV and hepatitis the OP has a right to be concerned. I am in no way condoning one night stands either but they are in way the same ball park as prostitution.


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  • #52
    Killed By Death
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 143 ✭✭Killed By Death


    issem wrote: »
    If a woman is forced into prostitution, the alternative would have to be worse, therefore the men paying her for sex are in fact doing her a favor.

    Listen OP, the reality is that this is not a perfect world, it's a very bleak one in fact. In Ireland have a welfare system that just about ensures people are not forced into such dismal positions as selling themselves for money, as a result Irish people experience a strong adverse reaction when confronted with the realities of poverty which are widespread on a global scale. That girl has likely been raised with a survivalist mentality and is desensitized to sex, so she would not be as badly affected as you relate in yourself that you would. They obviously paid her accordingly to what they got, so it's a win/win for both parties.

    OP -I'm afraid that is very much wishful thinking. The emotional and psychological damage suffered by 'people who are forced into such dismal positions' is no respecter of Geography or Economic circumstances. People have the same capacity to be hurt and abused and used in Hawaii as Ireland. They are exactly the same human beings. Yes, they've had less luck but they are equally as human with the same sensitivities as us. To think otherwise is deluded.

    I think that is why OP feels so awful. I can't blame her, as she said, three rich guys sharing a poor girl who is possibly desperate for cash.

    It might make us Westerners 'feel better' about taking it 'on tour' but all that is is just a self justification we use to make ourselves feel better about it. OP feels bad for the Hawaiian girl which she has every right to do, wheras you are saying 'ah, don't worry, sure they're used to being treated like sh!t there, they don't mind as much as we would' -minimising it. I don't think OP should be told to minimise it. She has the right to dislike it if she wants.


  • #53
    issem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 47 ✭issem


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    OMG! I have read some ridiculous things on this forum in my time here but that is one of the most ridiculous EVER!!!

    I am so annoyed reading that. Can this be removed before my head explodes?

    So you think starving and being homeless is better than having sex with a few men?

    If what I say is so "ridiculous", why can't you state why it is so? Why are you calling for someone's stated opinion to be removed just because you don't agree with it? that's called FASCISM.


  • #54
    Wompa1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,344 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    OP here again wrote: »
    Hey, this is the OP again.
    Your post struck me. I'm having really weird reaction to what you wrote in that I feel physically sick and actually quite shaky, but at the same time I almost laughed reading some it because this whole situation and reality is just so weird to me.

    I'm scared to think that they may have 'abused' her in some way. I don't believe they directly coerced her into sex or anything, and obviously I was not there so I don't know the set-up, but the whole "street walker" thing conjures up images of desperation and exploitation for me. I know you say not to be concerned with the girl so much, and obviously, that in her "line of work", she probably would have done it with someone else if it wasn't them. However, it bothers me that he couldn't see the moral issue with having sex with someone who (presumably) was forced into this business. Maybe he has a different idea of what consent is, idk. The nature of the situation just seems horrible to me.

    What you said about him being the "first man up" also bothered me a lot, because yes, surely a passive person in this situation wouldn't be elbowing his way to the front. Someone said something about "some guys can't pull like other guys can" and are somehow 'forced' to resort to prostitutes. But see, this isn't the case with him. He's a good-looking, charming guy. He could get girls if he wanted. In a sense, this unsettles me more, I don't know why. I keep having this running picture in my head of these three stupid rich boys "buying" themselves a (presumably poor) Hawaiian girl for the laugh.

    As for verbally abusing her, as far as I'm aware, his friend came back to the other two on the balcony and told them she was "sh*t". He didn't say this TO the girl. Also, as regards c*mming on her, I don't really know. It wasn't my bf who DID this, but the fact he thought it was funny is quite f*cked up. However, I didn't get the impression his friend treated her aggressively or anything. He said she was "mad" but I'm not quite sure what that means.

    When I say he is a nice person, I really mean it. It's probably why I'm taking this so hard. I'm not the sort of person to 'go for' abusive guys. In fact, he's never even been close to disrespecting me in any way. Also, I've never seen any questionable attitude towards women, he's very nice to his mother, etc. It's very confusing.

    Also to "snafuk35", I don't believe i'm being hypocritical. I wouldn't expect him to judge me for having one-night stands, just as I would not judge him. The difference (in my mind) is that there is no element of duress associated with a one night stand. Whenever I have had a one night stand, I did it for the sole reason that I wanted to have sex with the person. I didn't do it because I was desperate for money or some other reason that 'forced' me into the situation. DO you think that girl had sex with the three of them one after the other just because she was really h*rny?? Give me a break...

    issem wrote: »
    If a woman is forced into prostitution, the alternative would have to be worse, therefore the men paying her for sex are in fact doing her a favor.

    Listen OP, the reality is that this is not a perfect world, it's a very bleak one in fact. In Ireland have a welfare system that just about ensures people are not forced into such dismal positions as selling themselves for money, as a result Irish people experience a strong adverse reaction when confronted with the realities of poverty which are widespread on a global scale. That girl has likely been raised with a survivalist mentality and is desensitized to sex, so she would not be as badly affected as you relate in yourself that you would. They obviously paid her accordingly to what they got, so it's a win/win for both parties.

    Ok, I'm not going to try and debate what's wrong or right in terms of prostitution but it seems like all of you are making assumptions that the girl was forced into prostitution. Are girls forced into making porn? What if the girl simply chose to be a hooker because she could make a lot of money without having to work? I've never used a prostitute myself and never would, I'm just trying to point out the whole fact of making assumptions.

    Also the fact you think a ONS has an element of duress shows you are deluding yourself. If there was duress it was rape. Duress in your mind somehow vindicates you. You are an adult who made the decision to have sex with a stranger. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not judging you for it, plenty do it. But you are no different to your b/f by trying to skew the facts of your own past.
    gubbie wrote: »
    Is he much of a porn watcher? Don't they say that porn is warping mens minds about what is normal and what is not? How they treated that girl isn't that much different from what you would find in a porno so maybe he has a two tone way of viewing women - 1) the girlfriend and mother who he treats with complete respect, 2) the porn star and hooker who is there for his pleasure and nothing else

    This again. That's without any real foundation. That's like saying womens expectations for men are set by sitcoms and romantic comedies. People have power of will and can form their own opinions. Knowing right from wrong and good from evil is 101 of sanity. If a guy see's something he likes in a porno and does it to women during sex, I wouldn't think it's because he thinks it's ok. It's because it excites him and he wants to get his rocks off. Not that he thinks it's ok.

    OP, don't draw comparisons between your past and his. If you have such a problem with what he did. Make up your mind if it's a deal breaker. I would get it out of your head about exploitation or anything like that though. It's more foolish because of the risks of STDs. I've also never got the appeal of having sex with a woman who has been with so many guys but then it's possible in this day and age that you could meet a woman in Ireland who has done just that. Or a guy of course. But that's my personal preference. Why not ask him more about his past relationships, figure out if it was a once off thing or if he has a major character flaw and shouldn't be trusted. In the end it's up to you what you feel you can live with


  • #55
    skooterblue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,816 ✭✭✭skooterblue2


    Any chance we could get back to the original issue rather than the greater Prostitution debate. Please .... Trolls


  • #56
    Killed By Death
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 143 ✭✭Killed By Death


    Wompa1 wrote: »
    Also the fact you think a ONS has an element of duress shows you are deluding yourself. If there was duress it was rape. Duress in your mind somehow vindicates you. You are an adult who made the decision to have sex with a stranger. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not judging you for it, plenty do it. But you are no different to your b/f by trying to skew the facts of your own past.

    You completely misread her post, she said there is NO duress in a ONS.
    there is no element of duress associated with a one night stand.


  • #57
    Wompa1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,344 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    Killed By Death wrote: »
    You completely misread her post, she said there is NO duress in a ONS.

    Sorry but the other point still stands. There's an assumption it's under duress with a prostitute and I'm not trying to contribute to the prostitution issue because I don't really care about it but it's these assumptions that are forming her opinion.


  • #58
    Killed By Death
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 143 ✭✭Killed By Death


    Wompa1 wrote: »
    Sorry but the other point still stands. There's an assumption it's under duress with a prostitute and I'm not trying to contribute to the prostitution issue because I don't really care about it but it's these assumptions that are forming her opinion.

    I'm not really sure 'assumption' is the right word. I think people are suggesting the liklihood of duress due to the location of Hawaii, where the big business of tourism has forced a formerly rural people into dire poverty and they've then turned to prostitution rather than a westernised idealised 'Pretty Woman' version of things.

    But I don't really want to get into the prostitution debate. I'm neither for nor against just want to illustrate the likely reality of the situation going on the small amount of information we have.


  • #59
    Targer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭Targer


    This subject has gone way off topic with the whole prostitution debate.
    The facts are: your boyfriend Paid for sex with two separate women.
    Is this the type of person you want to be with??
    Your reaction has been so strong to this that you feel sick over it. No way would you be able to forget about it. This will change everything in your relationship if it continues.
    Your boyfriend now knows how upset you are so if you stay with him it would be as if you are ok with what he did.
    I don't think you will be either able to forgive or forget.
    FWIW I knew a really nice gentle generous guy, he treated me with the utmost respect - turns out he was a sex addict and was having sex with anyone and everyone.
    My point being that you never really know someone completely but when they show you who they are (being with a prostitute) then you should pay attention. This would be a deal breaker for me.


  • #60
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    Look, I dont mean to be hard on you about this, but the issue isnt really the prostitute (you seem to be focusing your thoughts on her hard life and why etc), the issue is your BF having not one, but 2 prostitutes, telling you the story publically, running off, leaving you to deal with it, and then rings you to try and (and very well made point) "normalise" it all.

    From all the above, cant you see that he has also humiliated you?


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  • #61
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    issem infracted for ignoring mod warning - do NOT post in this thread again. I'd advise you acquaint yourself with the forum charter [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]HERE[/URL] and Boards general posting rules and etiquette HERE if you wish to continue posting in this forum.

    skooterblue2 warned for back-seat modding - please report posts or posters you think require moderation rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

    Finally, all:

    There have been enough warnings on this thread - any more off-topic debate better suited to other forums or posters taking it upon themselves to back-seat mod will result in bans.

    Many thanks.



    As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread


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