My boyfriend was with a prostitute

LegacyUser

I'm so confused and upset right now. I actually feel on the verge of throwing up or crying or something, idk.

My boyfriend and I were just hanging out in mine, and we were talking about the 'crazy stuff' we've done. Anyway, he tells me (as if it's a funny story) how 3 years ago, he and 2 of his mates were in Hawaii, and long story short, they ended up in this hookers apartment. They had sex with her one by one.
I just sat there silent through the whole story and I didn't really know how to react to be honest. He was telling the story as if it was funny, but it just seems sick to me.

He told me he was so drunk, he couldn't come, his other friend said she was "sh*t" so he took it out and came on her, which made her mad...and after the last friend had sex with her, they just left. Sorry it that's all very tmi, but it just sounds so demeaning. I can't even bear thinking about it, ugh.
I was just really quiet after he told me this, and I said "but you could have HIV or anything" and he was like (realising at this point that I was less than impressed??) "no of course I used a condom, and I've been checked since obviously".
So i'm ok in that regard? I just feel utterly disgusted by this, to the point I don't think I can be with him. It just sounds so absolutely sick and twisted to me. Am I wrong in thinking this? I don't know the details of the prostitute, but I can't help thinking she was used.

He's never been anything but respectful to me (sexually and otherwise). I just don't know what to think. I mean, I know this is in his past, so I don't know if I should let it go? He was almost reluctant to tell the story at first, but I pressed it out of him (obviously I wasn't expecting this). He kept saying "but you won't talk to me anymore after". At the same time, he pretty much told the story in a light-hearted manner
I didn't want to prove him right, but i can't take this. I just said nothing and he said "ok, this is awkward, I'm gonna go for a while, i'll catch you later".
So I said "ok" and he's gone.

He 26, i'm 22. This happened 3 years ago. We've been together nearly a year.
I mean, I was with 4 people before him, I'm not exactly virgin Mary or anything. I've had one night stands, so i'm not sure if I can take the moral high ground? But what the f*ck? I can't get this out of my head.
The funny thing is, i'm not really intrinsically against prostitution or anything, but the fact my boyfriend did this bothers me so much. Is that hypocritical? I feel they used her to the highest extent. I'm not sure if that's even the case, or it's just the fact my own bf did this that bothers me. I don't get how he can be so perfect with me, yet treat a girl like that though. I mean obviously it was consensual, but still. I don't know if I'm over-reacting or if I should be disgusted by this? Maybe I am over-reacting. He really is a lovely person and this is shocking to me. And the fact he seems to think this is some hilarious thing that happened..

Sorry for the long post. He hasn't called me or anything yet, he knows I'm mad. I don't know what to do..

Mickey Dazzler

As you said yourself this did happen in the past and he has been checked for STDs. I can't understand why he thought you would find this funny. Strange. Everybody has done things in the past they are not proud of, yourself included I am sure.

I would tell him if he did anything like that again he is out the door and then try to build a bridge and get over it.

Idle Passerby

This is a tough one. I cant tell you how you 'should' feel but I too would be very upset if I heard this from my boyfriend. Personally I think if your young, able bodied and in possesion of your full faculties using a prostitute is pretty disgusting, I know some would disagree so I'll make it clear that is just my own personal opinion and I'm not saying you should feel that way too.

That aside, I think the fact that he and a few friends all had sex with the same woman (who they didn't feel the need to be respectful towards) one after another is also pretty disgusting. The woman presumably received money and agreed to this but it would rattle me that my boyfriend and his friends could have done something so sleazy. If you do not respect the person your sleeping with you cant really have much respect for yourself in my opinion.

He did warn you before telling you that you wouldn't like what you heard and you say it was difficult to get the story out of him, so I assume he is aware its not something that paints him in a great light. He may have told it in a lighthearted manner in the hope you'd also think it was funny but there would be very few women who would slap their thighs laughing at that story and if he has any sense he'd know that.

I think you need to tell him how upset you are and that its coloured how you think of him and have a conversation from there.

kjl

OP I am a guy and I can assure you that most guys have some sort of skeleton in their closet. TBH, his is not the worst one I heard and it sounds to me like he was drunk and it was a bit of group think. Peer pressure. He said he didn't come, which means he didn't do it to get sexual satisfaction and as such he only did it to fit in with the lads

He has made the steps to make sure everything is ok by going for a STI check and is clean.

As for your worry that they took advantage of the girl, I would say don't worry about that. The woman would never agree to anything she was not comfortable with and would have a lot of security to protect her and she probably took them to town with what she charged for the session.

TBH, if they had done it to a girl who wasn't a prostitute would be more concerned about using the girl.

I think the worst mistake this guy did was tell you what happened, but at least you know now. This is probably the worst thing he ever did and in the grand scheme of things, it's not too bad.

Can you get over it is the real question.

I am a friend

Yeah I cant tell you how to feel either but it would not sit well with me and I think i would think of it if having sex with him again... Its just not my scene and you will hear people on here saying he did nothing wrong... Each to their own but I think its disgusitng that they had a pop at her one after another... Were his mates watching him? Its just weird

Targer

An ex of mine told me that he had been with a prostitute in Amsterdam long before he met me. He answered any questions I had and wasn't at all ashamed of it, just a bit embarrassed really. He was on a stag weekend and said that everyone was doing it, even the dad of the guy getting married, who is obviously a married man. I was absolutely sick as a pig about it, but he wasn't a good guy, and being with a prostitute said a lot about him (as far as I'm concerned, he was led by his penis in general)
There are a couple of considerations here: firstly I bet your guy wouldn't have done it had he been alone, it was the whole pack-mentality, courage with his friends thing. Secondly, from what you've described, he knows it was basically wrong. Thirdly, you said he was a good guy apart from this.
You need to talk this out calmly. Let him know how you feel about the whole subject and find out how he feels and make sure you have a really good idea on what his basic attitude is towards women, sex, etc. I'm guessing this was a one off, drunken, holiday, got-caught-up- in-the-moment situation, and he has evolved enough since then to know better. Be glad he told you, and make sure he feels safe to tell you anything in the future, and that it won't backfire on him. Make sure he knows where you stand on this kind of behaviour and decide together if you guys on the same page about such things.

I am a friend

Doesnt, in my book, make it any better to thyink he hadnt the 'balls' to say no to hsi mates. Who is to say he wasnt the ring leader ?!?!?!?

Killed By Death

I would have the exact same reaction as you OP. It's not just being with a prostitute that is bothering here. It's far more than that on so many levels.

First of all, he had sex with the girl with others in the room who also had sex with her. That is very, very dodgy. They acted degradingly twords the woman and treated her like an object lesser than them. It's creepy and sick that they had sex in front of each other too. That's a serious boundary of normality broken. They acted in a pack mentality.

Then he 'took it out and came on her' -doesn't sound like he was using protection to me. His friend called her 'sh!t' and then your BF came on her making her mad. 3 guys in a room? Consensual......I have to wonder.

The casual manner in which he told the story is also chilling. As if it was just another party jape, a bit of laugh. It would make my blood run cold. I'm the furthest thing from a radical feminazi you could meet but the casual trivialisation of the incident would be ringing serious alarm bells with me.

I also don't belive for one moment they used condoms, if their inhibitions were broken down that far that they roasted a prostitute in each others prescence, she got 'mad' (could be interpreted as was raped/not willing) then using condoms would have been way down their list of priorities. I also don't believe him about the STD test. Ask to see the letter. You get one when you have a full screen. If he refuses, ask him to go for another screen, his reaction will be telling. But that's almost besides the point anyway. You have bigger problems than that.

I'm no angel and neither is my fella, everyone has skeletons but this goes a lot further than that. These guys used and humiliated someone like they were a piece of trash and now see it as funny. That would be a massive deal breaker for me. You are the only one who knows how you feel about it.

I don't think it's trivial, it wouldn't sit right with me. Others obviously have a different view looking at this thread but just wanted to add a different perspective.

kjl

Killed By Death wrote: »

I would have the exact same reaction as you OP. It's not just being with a prostitute that is bothering here. It's far more than that on so many levels.

First of all, he had sex with the girl with others in the room who also had sex with her. That is very, very dodgy. They acted degradingly twords the woman and treated her like an object lesser than them. It's creepy and sick that they had sex in front of each other too. That's a serious boundary of normality broken. They acted in a pack mentality.

Then he 'took it out and came on her' -doesn't sound like he was using protection to me. His friend called her 'sh!t' and then your BF came on her making her mad. 3 guys in a room? Consensual......I have to wonder.

The casual manner in which he told the story is also chilling. As if it was just another party jape, a bit of laugh. It would make my blood run cold. I'm the furthest thing from a radical feminazi you could meet but the casual trivialisation of the incident would be ringing serious alarm bells with me.

I also don't belive for one moment they used condoms, if their inhibitions were broken down that far that they roasted a prostitute in each others prescence, she got 'mad' (could be interpreted as was raped/not willing) then using condoms would have been way down their list of priorities. I also don't believe him about the STD test. Ask to see the letter. You get one when you have a full screen. If he refuses, ask him to go for another screen, his reaction will be telling. But that's almost besides the point anyway. You have bigger problems than that.

I'm no angel and neither is my fella, everyone has skeletons but this goes a lot further than that. These guys used and humiliated someone like they were a piece of trash and now see it as funny. That would be a massive deal breaker for me. You are the only one who knows how you feel about it.

I don't think it's trivial, it wouldn't sit right with me. Others obviously have a different view looking at this thread but just wanted to add a different perspective.

You would be hard pushed to find a prostitute that would allow a group of guys to sleep with her without condoms.

Plus it sounded like his friend came on her, not him. He didn't come at all.

ihsb

I wouldn't be ok with that at all. For me it would be a run but you love the guy so the only thing you can do is communicate with him until you know whether or not you can get past it.

The thought that he slept with this girl after his mate came on her. Also that he felt ok having sex with someone that didn't want to do it with him (it is just for the money) would make me re-evaluate what I knew about him.

Good luck OP.

Gyalist

Insist that he has a full STI check. He "says" that he has been checked since the incident but for your own peace of mind he should be checked again.

Killed By Death

kjl wrote: »

You would be hard pushed to find a prostitute that would allow a group of guys to sleep with her without condoms.

Plus it sounded like his friend came on her, not him. He didn't come at all.

This happened in Hawaii remember. Prostitution is not neat and tidy and clean and regulated as people imagine. I know in Thailand girls would 'go bareback' for a little extra so I don't think we can know for sure. Also the lads were locked out of their heads. I'm just not believing the condoms and STD story, sounds like he added that as an afterthought.

I'm not sure reading the OP whether it was himself or the friend but the relevant point is one of them came on her which was against her wishes and she 'got mad'. Things were out of control anyway.

dellas1979

Yes-everyone has skeletons.His past is his past, that is correct. And one of the things you need to figure out is how you feel about your boyfriend being with a prostitute.

The thing that struck me is how he told you/how you found out, and then left you to deal with it. That speaks volumes.

He put his girlfriend in a situation where you had to react to BIG information like that in public. Sounds exactly again like the "group/pack" mentality in hawaii as already mentioned above, and someone who is very, very easily lead.

crazygeryy

Regardless, wether it was right or wrong your boyfriend is a clown for telling you.he wasnt going out with u at the time and you didn't need to know.if he did feel the need to tell you surely he can tell by now if u would take it well or not.
All of these feelings you are having now could have been avoided if he just kept his big mouth shut.
As the other poster said its up to you now to decide wether you can deal with it or not.
Imo what he did was wrong but it was in the past when he didn't even know you so you are the one who has to decide where u go from here.
If he was convicted of robbery 10 years ago he served his time, then he met you ,ye both fell in love and you found out
all about it yesterday, would you dump him then as well?

bouncebouncey

This doesn't really boil down to whether or not you (or people in general) view prostitution as okay. Or whether or not you or anyone else speculates as to whether she was happy enough to go along with it, or couldn't say no, or whatever else as that is pretty intangible.

It's basically a question of your boyfriends moral compass. Yes we've all done things we're not proud of and everyone has a past. However this is extreme IMO.

At some stage one of these three lads said 'hey lets call a prostitute/go kerb crawling and then we can all f**k her one after the other'. They then had to ring an escorting agency/go walking the streets until they found one. Wait around for her to show/bring her back to the apartment. Then finally start to have sex with her one after the other either in each others presence (which seems most likely) or at best in an adjoining room. This wasn't spur of the moment stuff regardless of what anyone thinks. The one of the lads cums on her, against her wishes, and they think it's funny.

Sorry OP that's not standard skeleton in the closet stuff. While I haven't done a survey I'll take a wild stab in the dark and say, first off, the average man on the street has never been with a prostitute. Never mind been with one at the same time as his two friends. And I doubt the average man on the street would find the idea appealing nor would they find the story ending with one of these friends being verbally abusive to the prostitute and cumming on her to be hilarious either.

I can't tell you how to feel. I can't tell you how to act towards him. However I can tell you that you are free to react in as extreme a manner, within the bounds of normal behaviour, as you want. Freak out, break up, tell him to f**k off etc.... This isn't something you have to be nice about.

Also OP you made mention of being no angel and having had one night stands so not being able to take the moral high ground. This isn't anything like a one night stand. Not even close. Not even close to being close!

PlainP

In my opinion you badgered your BF to tell you this story, he said to you that you would not talk to him again. You heard what he had to say and didn't like it.

Regardless of what the story was your BF knew you well enough to know that you would not like it yet you wanted to hear it anyway. You should have trusted your BF and not made him tell you in the first place.

This incident happened years before he even knew you. For some people being with a prostitue is not such a big deal, more like a rite of passage.

What about other people he has been with in the past? Would you scrutinize them in the same light as well.

You need to either build a bridge or say goodbye.

PlainP

shocked21 wrote: »

I'm so confused and upset right now. I actually feel on the verge of throwing up or crying or something, idk.

My boyfriend and I were just hanging out in mine, and we were talking about the 'crazy stuff' we've done. Anyway, he tells me (as if it's a funny story) how 3 years ago, he and 2 of his mates were in Hawaii, and long story short, they ended up in this hookers apartment. They had sex with her one by one.
I just sat there silent through the whole story and I didn't really know how to react to be honest. He was telling the story as if it was funny, but it just seems sick to me.

He told me he was so drunk, he couldn't come, his other friend said she was "sh*t" so he took it out and came on her, which made her mad...and after the last friend had sex with her, they just left. Sorry it that's all very tmi, but it just sounds so demeaning. I can't even bear thinking about it, ugh.
I was just really quiet after he told me this, and I said "but you could have HIV or anything" and he was like (realising at this point that I was less than impressed??) "no of course I used a condom, and I've been checked since obviously".
So i'm ok in that regard? I just feel utterly disgusted by this, to the point I don't think I can be with him. It just sounds so absolutely sick and twisted to me. Am I wrong in thinking this? I don't know the details of the prostitute, but I can't help thinking she was used.

He's never been anything but respectful to me (sexually and otherwise). I just don't know what to think. I mean, I know this is in his past, so I don't know if I should let it go? He was almost reluctant to tell the story at first, but I pressed it out of him (obviously I wasn't expecting this). He kept saying "but you won't talk to me anymore after". At the same time, he pretty much told the story in a light-hearted manner
I didn't want to prove him right, but i can't take this. I just said nothing and he said "ok, this is awkward, I'm gonna go for a while, i'll catch you later".
So I said "ok" and he's gone.

He 26, i'm 22. This happened 3 years ago. We've been together nearly a year.
I mean, I was with 4 people before him, I'm not exactly virgin Mary or anything. I've had one night stands, so i'm not sure if I can take the moral high ground? But what the f*ck? I can't get this out of my head.
The funny thing is, i'm not really intrinsically against prostitution or anything, but the fact my boyfriend did this bothers me so much. Is that hypocritical? I feel they used her to the highest extent. I'm not sure if that's even the case, or it's just the fact my own bf did this that bothers me. I don't get how he can be so perfect with me, yet treat a girl like that though. I mean obviously it was consensual, but still. I don't know if I'm over-reacting or if I should be disgusted by this? Maybe I am over-reacting. He really is a lovely person and this is shocking to me. And the fact he seems to think this is some hilarious thing that happened..

Sorry for the long post. He hasn't called me or anything yet, he knows I'm mad. I don't know what to do..

@ sunflower
Says it all right there....

jaspertheghost

it aint that big a deal really....he was a single man having some fun....you have 2 choices either decide you cant deal with his past and dump him...or get over it and stay together....and as you said you were no virgin mary yourself in the past....but the past is best left where it belongs..so if ya really like the guy you should sit down and talk about it then put it behind ye

Killed By Death

PlainP wrote: »

In my opinion you badgered your BF to tell you this story, he said to you that you would not talk to him again. You heard what he had to say and didn't like it.

Regardless of what the story was your BF knew you well enough to know that you would not like it yet you wanted to hear it anyway. You should have trusted your BF and not made him tell you in the first place.

Eh, why should she have trusted him? Blind trust is neither wise or noble!

PlainP wrote: »

This incident happened years before he even knew you. For some people being with a prostitue is not such a big deal, more like a rite of passage.

It wasn't just a straightforward being with a prostitute though was it? Himself and his mates roasted the woman, there is a big difference. An ex boyfriend of mine was with a prostitute in the past, it didn't bother me. But him roasting a possibly reluctant working girl with his mates WOULD bother me. A lot and that is my right.

And OP's right too. OP doesn't just have to acrt dumbly obedient and ask nothing and 'trust' her boyfriend and never ask questions, what kind of deal is that? Nice dopey, oblivious, gullible, obedient, ask-no-questions people get shat on in this life. You've goto to be a bit smarter than that. As it is she now knows something salient she didn't know before, something that is possibly a deal breaker for her. She has the right to make informed decisions about the man she is seeing and about her own sexual health too.

PlainP wrote: »

What about other people he has been with in the past? Would you scrutinize them in the same light as well.

That's disingenuous. Nowhere in the OP's description has she mentioned she is nosey or pushy about her boyfriends past conquests. To try to draw a parallel between his past girlfriends and roasting a prostitute with his friends is comparing apples and oranges and frankly a weak argument. Trying to paint OP as some sort of hysterical bunny boiler is just an attempt to distract from the inconvenient and unpaletable truth that this lads story is beyond the pale on many levels.

PlainP wrote: »

You need to either build a bridge or say goodbye.

I agree with this much.

Targer

I want to add to my first post where I don't think I was clear:
OP this is a MAJOR RED FLAG for you, the point I want to make is that what you need to decide is if this reflects the man he was then or the man he is now. Your relationship is only viable if you can prove to yourself that he is not the same person now as he was then; i also agree with the other poster that he should not have left you to deal with it alone, he should have stayed to discuss it, not run away.

PlainP

Killed By Death wrote: »

Trying to paint OP as some sort of hysterical bunny boiler is just an attempt to distract from the inconvenient and unpaletable truth that this lads story is beyond the pale on many levels.

I don't see where I tried to paint anyone as a hysterical bunny boiler..

The OP said she doesn't have a problem with prostitution just the fact that her BF was with one this is double standards IMO.

What the lads got up to is not beyond the pale on so many levels. People get up to all sorts in the bedroom and just because this happend with a prostitute does not make it wrong. It was consenting sexual acts between consenting adults. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it wrong.

ihsb

PlainP wrote: »

I don't see where I tried to paint anyone as a hysterical bunny boiler..

The OP said she doesn't have a problem with prostitution just the fact that her BF was with one this is double standards IMO.

What the lads got up to is not beyond the pale on so many levels. People get up to all sorts in the bedroom and just because this happend with a prostitute does not make it wrong. It was consenting sexual acts between consenting adults. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it wrong.

I don't think it is double standards. Most people don't mind things going on as long as it doesn't effect them. And this is when something has effected the OP directly.

The fact of the matter is, the prostitute is being paid to consent. Not actually consenting. Being told to be okay with what is happening because of circumstance and the need for money is not consenting to having three men have sex with you. The OP even said the friend before her OH came on her and she got angry. That is not being ok with what is happening.

PlainP

ihsb wrote: »

The fact of the matter is, the prostitute is being paid to consent. Not actually consenting. Being told to be okay with what is happening because of circumstance and the need for money is not consenting to having three men have sex with you.

I'm not going to pull this off topic with talk of why people become prostitutes.

The OP needs to talk to her BF tell him how she feels. Explain to him how this has affected her. But she also needs to understand that the past is the past and she has also has stated how good he is with her.

I think she shouldn't give up on this relationship just because of something that happened in his past.

Killed By Death

PlainP wrote: »

I don't see where I tried to paint anyone as a hysterical bunny boiler..

You said;

What about other people he has been with in the past Would you scrutinize them in the same light as well.

What about that? You try to draw a parallel between people in his past and the incident he described? You used the word 'scrutinized'. You said she 'badgered' the story out of him. If you weren't making her out to be overly nosey into his past, then what was your point?

PlainP wrote: »

The OP said she doesn't have a problem with prostitution just the fact that her BF was with one this is double standards IMO.

I think her point has gone over your head. I don't think the prostitution is her problem exactly.

PlainP wrote: »

What the lads got up to is not beyond the pale on so many levels.

I disagree.

PlainP wrote: »

People get up to all sorts in the bedroom and just because this happend with a prostitute does not make it wrong. It was consenting sexual acts between consenting adults. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it wrong.

I don't know it was consenting adults though, do I? And neither do you. we know the woman 'got mad' with at least one non-consensual act.

As for 'the bedroom', I couldn't give a monkeys if consensual adults orgied their brains out till they couldn't walk. That's their own business, but three drubk lads abusing a prostitute is not the same thing. When I talk about abusing, I'm specifically referring to one of them cumming on her against her wishes and another of them calling her 'sh1t'. It doesn't souns as though she was in control and their attitude shows they didn't care too much about her consent. It's all just a bit too vague and blurry when multiple punters roast one girl. I can't break it down any further for you than that.

Idle Passerby

PlainP wrote: »

What the lads got up to is not beyond the pale on so many levels. People get up to all sorts in the bedroom and just because this happend with a prostitute does not make it wrong. It was consenting sexual acts between consenting adults. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it wrong.

Even if this had not been a prostitute but a woman who had agreed to this because she wanted to out of her own personal interest rather than money. This was still 3 men, including the OP's boyfriend taking turns having sex with a woman whose enjoyment or personal boundaries they were obviously not in the slightest concerned about. That alone would be raising alarm bells for most women if they heard it about someone they thought they knew.

skooterblue2

I am not a prude my any manner or means but looking for a prostitute taking her back and degrading her with two of your friends crosses many boundaries for me. On the other hand they were drunk and should have known better .... alot better. Not that drinking excuses it.

Maybe yes its all very screwed up. Its a big shock to the system. It was long before you were on the scene. The real question is can you move on because if you cant then you had better end it now than harbouring it for the rest of your life.

I had a friend who could get over one of my problems (not my fault I didnt cause it) and he used to pick and pick and pick. I dont have that friend any more ........ and he is the poorer for it.

Get over it and move on and DONT EVER BRING IT UP AGAIN or get a new boyfriend. I cant advise you anymore than this because I have never been in this situation.

kjl

OK in fairness bouncebouncey does make a very good point. It's not standard skeleton in the closet kind of stuff.

It does seem a bit sketchy when bouncebouncey describes it. How do you think he is in general? Have you ever noticed anything else that would make you question his morals?

R.D. aka MR.D

Op I think another poster mentioned it but being with a prostitute says a lot about what kind of a guy he is. My ex went to Amsterdam with a massive group of his friends when he was 21. I pestered him into telling me which ones had been with a prostitute or not and it was very revealing and not all that shocking.
There is a certain lack of respect for yourself that would allow you to do something like that.

Peer pressure isn't an excuse. From your post i get that he was 23 not 13! The idea had to be cooked up by some one and all it would have taken was for him to say, ah now lads cop on or ah sure yous head on and i'll sit this one out don't want to catch anything or whatever!

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for your replies guys.

Ok, here's what happened (as far as I know). They were going up and down the boulevard drinking and stuff, and there was lots of street girls. They joked about getting hookers, but then my bf said the other guys were getting more and more serious about it.
So, they went outside the bar, picked 'their girls' and my bf had oral sex with this girl (now that I think about it I have no idea WHERE) while the other guys did stuff with 'their girls'. Anyway, 'his' prostitute left, and his other friend's did too, but one of the girls stayed and was asking them to come back to her apartment. He said he just "went along with it" and once they got there she was all "who first?".

His friends weren't in the room, they went out on the balcony to smoke. He said he was only gonna let her suck him off (sorry again, tmi) but ended up saying "what the heck" and he had sex with her. Then he came out to the balcony, and one of the other guys went in..etc. : /

To answer some peoples' concerns, I have no doubt that it wasn't "rape", but from my point of view, they took serious advantage. It makes my stomach turn. What sort of girl f*cks 3 guys off the street for money? I can't help but think of her situation, it bothers me that he wouldn't consider this wrong. In my opinion, it's so much worse than some lonely guy getting a escort. All I can think about is the three of them having a laugh and f*cking this girl just because they could. Also, at the time, both his friends had girlfriends, and though my bf was single, I just think the whole thing is f*cked.

Anyway, he rang me last night and he said "I left because I didn't want to say anything else stupid". But It was as if he kind of had a problem with me being mad over this!! He was kind of impatient on the phone almost. He just kept saying "it was a long time ago, I was hammered" and stuff. He was apologetic, but he doesn't seem to 'get' how angry I am over this. I know to a certain extent, he knows it was wrong; he kept saying "no really, you're gonna hate me though", but I can't explain it, he was quite jovial about it. I kept pestering him to tell me because I was expecting some funny, drunken story. I kept saying "oh come on! How bad could it be? So long as you didn't sleep with your sister or something I'm not gonna care!". THIS didn't even enter my mind.

I feel a little sick talking/thinking about tbh..all I've done all day is think about it, and I've been ignoring his calls for the most part. Please keep in mind that this is a good guy, he's not a "bad person". He's just a funny, normal guy, not the kind of "creep" I would associate with sh*t like this. It's shocking. I haven't really talked to him about how HE feels about it, but I need to calm down more before we talk about this.
Tbh, I'm surprised he even told me, what sort of idiot would think their GIRLFRIEND would be ok with this.

Anyway, long post again! Thanks for your replies though, very helpful xx

Idle Passerby

I can understand your problem with the whole thing. Ive noticed over the years that even though some men would be totally against the idea of prostitution, its more of a moral objection to the trade than concern for the women who are in that unfortunate position.

skooterblue2

Confused21(op) wrote: »

What sort of girl f*cks 3 guys off the street for money?

Crack addict to feed a habit, working mom trying to earn a little on the side. It takes all kinds. I think Confessions of CallGirl are well over glamourised

Da Shins Kelly

I'm not going to pass comment on what your boyfriend did or make assumptions, because there's no way anyone on here knows exactly what happened or what was going through his mind when he did it. You know your boyfriend best. I think maybe you should take some time to think this over and figure out how you feel, and then maybe have a chat about it with your boyfriend. You need to think about if you can think about your boyfriend in the same way again, if you can forget about what he did, if you feel as though your boyfriend is different now. If you can do all of the above, then you can work things out. If you can't, then maybe it's best to move on. Nobody can tell you how to feel about this, but I think you definitely need to take some time by yourself and also with your boyfriend and work out your feelings.

Killed By Death

Confused21(op) wrote: »

but then my bf said the other guys were getting more and more serious about it.
So, they went outside the bar, picked 'their girls' and my bf had oral sex with this girl (now that I think about it I have no idea WHERE) while the other guys did stuff with 'their girls'. Anyway, 'his' prostitute left, and his other friend's did too, but one of the girls stayed and was asking them to come back to her apartment. He said he just "went along with it" and once they got there she was all "who first?".

His friends weren't in the room, they went out on the balcony to smoke. He said he was only gonna let her suck him off (sorry again, tmi) but ended up saying "what the heck" and he had sex with her. Then he came out to the balcony, and one of the other guys went in..etc. : /

Look OP. He's doing that very human thing of trying to minimise his active participation in it. Notice how in all the examples in bold everything that happened was either his friends idea or the prostitutes idea or neutrally 'just happened'? According to his story he is a passive onlooker without voilition.

He can't have it both ways. He was fully involved. He was FIRST in to that girl at the 'apartment' (one room with a balcony) He did what he did because HE wanted to, not because he was 'under pressure' from his friends, not because the prostitute persuaded him. His own free will.

The language used in his attempts to minimise his participation is very typical of someone in denial about their own voluntary participation in the events. In social groups individuals tend to attempt to push responsibility onto other members of the group and depict themselves as powerless followers even when they were prime movers in the act. That denial and attempt to deflect responsibility is very typical shame behaviour. So I wouldn't necessarily believe that version of events.

But as you rightly said, he knows on some level it was wrong but he doesn't want to admit that to himself. There is cognitive dissonance there. He also wants you to join his denial and minimise the facts and has become impatient when you refuse to do so.

Confused21(op) wrote: »

Anyway, he rang me last night and he said "I left because I didn't want to say anything else stupid". But It was as if he kind of had a problem with me being mad over this!! He was kind of impatient on the phone almost. He just kept saying "it was a long time ago, I was hammered" and stuff. He was apologetic, but he doesn't seem to 'get' how angry I am over this. I know to a certain extent, he knows it was wrong; he kept saying "no really, you're gonna hate me though", but I can't explain it, he was quite jovial about it. I kept pestering him to tell me because I was expecting some funny, drunken story. I kept saying "oh come on! How bad could it be? So long as you didn't sleep with your sister or something I'm not gonna care!". THIS didn't even enter my mind.

You have every right to consider how you feel about this and to mull it over. The pertinent fact is it shows you something about him you were not aware of before. People keep saying it's in the past as if that means you should just forget about it, but that's not wise. You get your clues and cues on peoples behaviour by looking at their past behaviour.

The fact that he thinks it's no big deal and wants you to just shut up about it and accept it is a bad sign. It'd be so much better if he just came clean, explained the whole thing without trying to justify or mimimise it or blame everyone involved except himself. That's the problem, he's annoyed that you won't just laugh along with him and normalise it.

Confused21(op) wrote: »

Please keep in mind that this is a good guy, he's not a "bad person". He's just a funny, normal guy, not the kind of "creep" I would associate with sh*t like this. It's shocking.

The majority of men who use prostitutes ARE just 'normal' guys. Someone above said they didn't think the average man in the street would have used a prostitute but I think it's quite common especially on holiday, where people do things they might not do at home. They all got a prostitute each and they all got 'seconds to share' as well. That is a fact.

Confused21(op) wrote: »

Tbh, I'm surprised he even told me, what sort of idiot would think their GIRLFRIEND would be ok with this.

Someone who thinks it's no big deal evidently. He's furiously trying to backtrack now, it was all everyone elses idea...he was drunk....it was years ago and then when you're still shocked and weirded out he gets annoyed and indignant with you.

bouncebouncey

So here is the breakdown.

Your BF and his friends were out on a night on the tiles. They were on a strip/boulevard where there were hookers.

The decided to pick up a street hooker each. Your boyfriend had oral sex with the prostitute of his choice. On the street presumably as they weren't driving and were out on the town.

One of the three street prostitutes, possibly in desperation for more money, suggested that she go back to their apartment. Or maybe they suggested it to her. Your BF, and his friends, were happy enough with that plan and took her back to where they were staying.

His other friends were on the balcony smoking :rolleyes: and your BF decided he wouldn't get a blowjob he'd have sex with this girl instead. Your boyfriend finished having sex with her before his friends could finish smoking :rolleyes: and he went out and the next one went in. So in reality they decided they'd take turns with 2 waiting outside while the other went in and had sex with her.

It then ends with one of them verbally abusing the girl and cumming on her.

That's pretty f**ked up. None of this can get written off with 'ah I was pissed'. First off drinking doesn't excuse your behaviour ever. If you can't behave when you drink then don't drink at all. Second thing is that this isn't a minor blip on the night. It's not like being drunk and blurting out to a friend 'I always thought such and such is a right w**ker!' the regretting not keeping that to yourself the next day.

They went out drinking and cruising a red light district for prostitutes. Picked out prostitutes to be with individually. Were with them in the street. Then took one back to their apartment. They decided on the running order, your BF being first man up, and took turns having sex with her. Then one of them acted in an abusive manner to her verbally as well as doing something disgusting to her that she wasn't happy with and your boyfriend thought it was funny.

I wouldn't concern yourself with what kind of desperate person needs to pander to the sexual needs of three absolute d**kheads to make her way in the world. Unfortunately there are plenty of people in the world who have to sell their bodies to make ends meet. Street prostitution is usually a sign of desperation and it's quite different to escorting. That's another story for another day.

Bottom line is your boyfriend made a lot of conscious decisions on the night in question. You might think he's not a bad guy and all that. Maybe he's not. However IMO it's your actions that define you and you've found out another facet of his personality and a disturbing one at that.

I also disagree vehemently about it being common for men to solicit prostitutes on holiday. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but to suggest it's commonplace and that 'sharing' prostitutes is par for the course is wildly inaccurate IMO. I'm not claiming that people who solicit escorts and prostitutes aren't your average joe. What I'm saying is that for every 1 average joe that engages in this, be it here or on holiday, there are 99 who don't.

issem

ihsb wrote: »

Also that he felt ok having sex with someone that didn't want to do it with him (it is just for the money)

For many guys it's their only option. Guys can't just go out to a club and be guaranteed sex like women can.

skooterblue2

issem wrote: »

For many guys it's their only option. Guys can't just go out to a club and be guaranteed sex like women can.

We are humans not animals. You will find a lot are married men or guys who want sex without the effort of having a relationship.

Taltos

OK - let's keep replies on topic to the OP.
As a reminder from our Charter - keep replies civil and constructive to the OP or don't post.

Also - generalisations are against forum rules.

Thanks
Taltos

username123

Its a bad story.

Very dehumanising behaviour. Without commenting on the morality of prostitution, very disturbing for 3 male pals to be sharing a woman they are paying for sex with. Very disrespectful way to behave towards another human being.

Paying for sex is bad. Three of them sharing her is bad. Laughing at her is bad. Going against her express wishes by coming on her is bad. Two of the guys having girlfriends is also bad.

Another poster has pointed out that he is trivialising the incident and using language that minimises his involvement in it. I agree.

Personally Id rather not be intimate with someone who could treat another human being like that. Its the same way Id rather not be with a bully or someone who picks fights with weaker people etc... Id just rather be with someone who has respect for other people.

lace

Hi OP!

First off - you are not over-reacting. You have every right to be shocked by what your bf did. I think you first of all need to take some time away from him to sort out how you feel about the whole thing.

The fact that you pestered him to tell you is irrelevant. You were probably expecting some kind of "got hammered and stripped off outside a bingo hall" drunken story and I don't for one moment believe that his initial reluctance to tell you the story shows any kind of remorse on his part. He said he didn't want to tell you because you wouldn't like it - not because it was something he deeply regretted and was horribly ashamed of.

This all happened 3 years ago and he could very well have changed a lot and no longer be capable of treating a woman like this. However, I will say that (from what you've posted here) he doesn't seem too ashamed or sorry about the whole thing and seems to be angry at you for being mad about it rather than at his younger, drunken self for doing it in the first place.

Once you've had time to think it all over again, have another talk with him face-to-face. See how it goes from there. If he seems truly sorry (for doing it, not for telling you) and you believe he has changed then perhaps the two of you can work past this and be happy together.

On a side note, I've noticed the term "consenting adults" being thrown around a lot. I'd just like to add that prostitutes are rarely ever consenting adults. Prostitutes are usually acting under duress, influenced through coercion and blackmail. A woman agreeing to sex with three men because her pimp has threatened to harm/kill her/her family can hardly be considered willing. I'd also like to add that the age of this girl cannot be confirmed.

issem

skooterblue2 wrote: »

We are humans not animals.

Men have a very strong psychological need for sex that you cannot comprehend as a woman. Add to this the grossly over-sexualized culture we are living in and you cannot fault men for seeking sex in whichever way is available to them, for many guys that is exclusively down to paying for it.

You will find a lot are married men or guys who want sex without the effort of having a relationship.

And a lot are single guys that can't get someone in their lives and have no other way of obtaining sexual relief.

Taltos

issem - you have received the warning for ignoring the prior mod warning and continued to debate with no advice offered to the OP.

PI/RI is not a debate forum - it is an advice forum.
If you want to debate the merits of prostitution take it to PM or to another forum but don't continue it here.

issem

Taltos wrote: »

issem - you have received the warning for ignoring the prior mod warning and continued to debate with no advice offered to the OP.

PI/RI is not a debate forum - it is an advice forum.
If you want to debate the merits of prostitution take it to PM or to another forum but don't continue it here.

Sorry. I had already posted the post before I saw your warning.

I'll offer some advice to the OP now:

OP, most women on a world-wide scale would do anything for (as you described him) a nice, good guy who wants to commit and they'd be willing to forget the past. Wait until he does something that actually has bearing on NOW, rather than fret over something which occurred in the past (especially something as slight as this). In my view, if you're willing to dump a guy over this you'll always be knit picking for tiny faults to break up with your future partners, which is an ongoing trend...

snafuk35

Hi OP,

You are being utterly hyprocritical.
You have had sex with other people and you have had one night stands.
So why is that ok? He clearly didn't have a problem with that?
When he reveals he had sex with a prostitute that makes him sick? After you basically force him to tell and after he warned you about what you were about to hear?
There is no moral difference between you sleeping with other men before you met him and his experience with a prostitute.
You haven't a leg to stand on and your attitude is a complete double standard.
This guy was revealed something he didn't want and now you have the cheek to judge him.
There are plenty of other guys who would judge you based on your one-night stands but has he got on your back over that?
You need to grow up and cop yourself on.
You dredged up the past when you should have left it well enough alone and now you are complaining about what you learned.
Tough.

LegacyUser

Killed By Death wrote: »

Look OP. He's doing that very human thing of trying to minimise his active participation in it. Notice how in all the examples in bold everything that happened was either his friends idea or the prostitutes idea or neutrally 'just happened'? According to his story he is a passive onlooker without voilition.

He can't have it both ways. He was fully involved. He was FIRST in to that girl at the 'apartment' (one room with a balcony) He did what he did because HE wanted to, not because he was 'under pressure' from his friends, not because the prostitute persuaded him. His own free will.

The language used in his attempts to minimise his participation is very typical of someone in denial about their own voluntary participation in the events. In social groups individuals tend to attempt to push responsibility onto other members of the group and depict themselves as powerless followers even when they were prime movers in the act. That denial and attempt to deflect responsibility is very typical shame behaviour. So I wouldn't necessarily believe that version of events.

But as you rightly said, he knows on some level it was wrong but he doesn't want to admit that to himself. There is cognitive dissonance there. He also wants you to join his denial and minimise the facts and has become impatient when you refuse to do so.



You have every right to consider how you feel about this and to mull it over. The pertinent fact is it shows you something about him you were not aware of before. People keep saying it's in the past as if that means you should just forget about it, but that's not wise. You get your clues and cues on peoples behaviour by looking at their past behaviour.

The fact that he thinks it's no big deal and wants you to just shut up about it and accept it is a bad sign. It'd be so much better if he just came clean, explained the whole thing without trying to justify or mimimise it or blame everyone involved except himself. That's the problem, he's annoyed that you won't just laugh along with him and normalise it.



The majority of men who use prostitutes ARE just 'normal' guys. Someone above said they didn't think the average man in the street would have used a prostitute but I think it's quite common especially on holiday, where people do things they might not do at home. They all got a prostitute each and they all got 'seconds to share' as well. That is a fact.



Someone who thinks it's no big deal evidently. He's furiously trying to backtrack now, it was all everyone elses idea...he was drunk....it was years ago and then when you're still shocked and weirded out he gets annoyed and indignant with you.

Hey, this is the OP again.
Your post struck me. I'm having really weird reaction to what you wrote in that I feel physically sick and actually quite shaky, but at the same time I almost laughed reading some it because this whole situation and reality is just so weird to me.

I'm scared to think that they may have 'abused' her in some way. I don't believe they directly coerced her into sex or anything, and obviously I was not there so I don't know the set-up, but the whole "street walker" thing conjures up images of desperation and exploitation for me. I know you say not to be concerned with the girl so much, and obviously, that in her "line of work", she probably would have done it with someone else if it wasn't them. However, it bothers me that he couldn't see the moral issue with having sex with someone who (presumably) was forced into this business. Maybe he has a different idea of what consent is, idk. The nature of the situation just seems horrible to me.

What you said about him being the "first man up" also bothered me a lot, because yes, surely a passive person in this situation wouldn't be elbowing his way to the front. Someone said something about "some guys can't pull like other guys can" and are somehow 'forced' to resort to prostitutes. But see, this isn't the case with him. He's a good-looking, charming guy. He could get girls if he wanted. In a sense, this unsettles me more, I don't know why. I keep having this running picture in my head of these three stupid rich boys "buying" themselves a (presumably poor) Hawaiian girl for the laugh.

As for verbally abusing her, as far as I'm aware, his friend came back to the other two on the balcony and told them she was "sh*t". He didn't say this TO the girl. Also, as regards c*mming on her, I don't really know. It wasn't my bf who DID this, but the fact he thought it was funny is quite f*cked up. However, I didn't get the impression his friend treated her aggressively or anything. He said she was "mad" but I'm not quite sure what that means.

When I say he is a nice person, I really mean it. It's probably why I'm taking this so hard. I'm not the sort of person to 'go for' abusive guys. In fact, he's never even been close to disrespecting me in any way. Also, I've never seen any questionable attitude towards women, he's very nice to his mother, etc. It's very confusing.

Also to "snafuk35", I don't believe i'm being hypocritical. I wouldn't expect him to judge me for having one-night stands, just as I would not judge him. The difference (in my mind) is that there is no element of duress associated with a one night stand. Whenever I have had a one night stand, I did it for the sole reason that I wanted to have sex with the person. I didn't do it because I was desperate for money or some other reason that 'forced' me into the situation. DO you think that girl had sex with the three of them one after the other just because she was really h*rny?? Give me a break...

gubbie

Is he much of a porn watcher? Don't they say that porn is warping mens minds about what is normal and what is not? How they treated that girl isn't that much different from what you would find in a porno so maybe he has a two tone way of viewing women - 1) the girlfriend and mother who he treats with complete respect, 2) the porn star and hooker who is there for his pleasure and nothing else

issem

OP here again wrote: »

it bothers me that he couldn't see the moral issue with having sex with someone who (presumably) was forced into this business.

If a woman is forced into prostitution, the alternative would have to be worse, therefore the men paying her for sex are in fact doing her a favor.

Listen OP, the reality is that this is not a perfect world, it's a very bleak one in fact. In Ireland have a welfare system that just about ensures people are not forced into such dismal positions as selling themselves for money, as a result Irish people experience a strong adverse reaction when confronted with the realities of poverty which are widespread on a global scale. That girl has likely been raised with a survivalist mentality and is desensitized to sex, so she would not be as badly affected as you relate in yourself that you would. They obviously paid her accordingly to what they got, so it's a win/win for both parties.

ihsb

Hey OP. Before I said that you should talk about it and for me it would be a break up point. But reading your newer posts I would run like the wind.

He paid for sexual acts with two different women. One sexual act, it could have been alcohol (though I don't buy it) but TWO, he knew what he was doing.

In the phone call with you it seems like he was fobbing off your reaction. It looks like he is not going to help you get over this so it is up to you to make the call.

Edit. I just want to point out that Hawaii is in the USA. I have seen people have different reactions to prostitution because of her location, liking it to Thailand. But instead, like it to Oklahoma.

skooterblue2

issem wrote: »

In Ireland have a welfare system that just about ensures people are not forced into such dismal positions as selling themselves for money, as a result Irish people experience a strong adverse reaction when confronted with the realities of poverty which are widespread on a global scale. That girl has likely been raised with a survivalist mentality and is desensitized to sex, so she would not be as badly affected as you relate in yourself that you would. They obviously paid her accordingly to what they got, so it's a win/win for both parties.

This post is not about a prostitution debate it is about how one human (or more) took advantage of another one and degraded them. The OP has just discovered this side to a person she never knew about. This is the real issue

I am a friend

A good point was made - he was with two prostitutes not one.

issem

It's just crazy how we live in a society that is so sexually open yet if you pay for sex you're a devil. So this is ANOTHER stumbling block for the beta male who can't get anyone in their life; if they refuse to do the unreasonable and stay celibate for years on end by having sex in the only way they can, they'll be judged for it if they ever do find someone who'll probably break up with them over it. Unbelievable.


OP, don't assume he was able to get sex without paying for it just because he's good-looking, for all you know he was much shier in his younger days. If a man has no other options, you should really think hard about whether it is acceptable in your mind to force indefinite involuntary celibacy on them.

skooterblue2

snafuk35 wrote: »

Hi OP,

You are being utterly hyprocritical.
You have had sex with other people and you have had one night stands.
So why is that ok? He clearly didn't have a problem with that?
When he reveals he had sex with a prostitute that makes him sick? After you basically force him to tell and after he warned you about what you were about to hear?
There is no moral difference between you sleeping with other men before you met him and his experience with a prostitute.
You haven't a leg to stand on and your attitude is a complete double standard.
This guy was revealed something he didn't want and now you have the cheek to judge him.
There are plenty of other guys who would judge you based on your one-night stands but has he got on your back over that?
You need to grow up and cop yourself on.
You dredged up the past when you should have left it well enough alone and now you are complaining about what you learned.
Tough.

Paying for Sex is wrong, illegal and is a completely different issue from one night stand. One night stand are about two consenting adults, prostitution has elements of organised crime and drugs about it. Where intravenous drugs are involved and diseases like HIV and hepatitis the OP has a right to be concerned. I am in no way condoning one night stands either but they are in way the same ball park as prostitution.