The mature decision in a sexless marriage

ntlbell · 22-03-2012 03:55PM

Where's the "I LIKE SEX, BOOBS BIG BOOBS!" guy gone?

I want to hear more from him.

OldGoat · 22-03-2012 04:00PM

I'm available for baggage free extramarital shinnagins, in the interest of saving yer marrage and the kids feelings and stuff.

Kiera · 22-03-2012 04:04PM

OldGoat wrote: »

I'm available for baggage free extramarital shinnagins, in the interest of saving yer marrage and the kids feelings and stuff.

Aw man, i need to get married to get you?

MungBean · 22-03-2012 04:05PM

stovelid wrote: »

Kids are the priority but you're on a road to nowhere if you don't make sure you have your own happiness and life as parents. Your own happiness or lack of it has a direct effect on your kids so saying that you should suck down (and not work on) problems is wrong.

I agree, I think trying to work on the problems is the best option because whether you want to be there or not you have a responsibility to be there to raise your child.

If most people did whatever actually made them happy marriages wouldnt last and kids more often than not wouldnt be raised. A persons happiness shouldnt be the defining factor in remaining in a marriage when there is a kid involved. Too often I hear people say "I'm just not happy, I'm going to leave the marriage", "I dont love them any more". Tough shít you have a child to raise, make an effort.

OldGoat · 22-03-2012 04:07PM

Kiera wrote: »

Aw man, i need to get married to get you?

Any port in a storm. :cool:

Biggins · 22-03-2012 04:08PM

stovelid wrote: »

Kids are the priority but you're on a road to nowhere if you don't make sure you have your own happiness and life as parents. Your own happiness or lack of it has a direct effect on your kids so saying that you should suck down (and not work on) problems is wrong.

I agree.
I would add also that parents also need to work at being just that - a couple - not just being parents all the time!

opinion guy · 22-03-2012 04:15PM

OldGoat wrote: »

I'm available for baggage free extramarital shinnagins, in the interest of saving yer marrage and the kids feelings and stuff.

Husband: So wife...who is you new sex-partner if I'm allowed even ask ??
Wife: Eh...just some Old Goat!

stovelid · 22-03-2012 04:21PM

MungBean wrote: »

I agree, I think trying to work on the problems is the best option because whether you want to be there or not you have a responsibility to be there to raise your child.

If most people did whatever actually made them happy marriages wouldnt last and kids more often than not wouldnt be raised. A persons happiness shouldnt be the defining factor in remaining in a marriage when there is a kid involved. Too often I hear people say "I'm just not happy, I'm going to leave the marriage", "I dont love them any more". Tough shít you have a child to raise, make an effort.

You're missing my point. Your own well-being and your well-being as a couple is as important as looking after your family. And it has a direct effect on the happiness of your entire family. You shouldn't have to choose between either.

As for the sex thing; it's an inaccurate cliche that marriage kills sex lives but isex in any long-term relationships has plateaus and peaks, espcially when you have kids and you're probably only ever going to capture that early relationship excitement sporadically - which in a way makes it nice when you do which does happen.

I get the feeling the OP is less about a decrease in sex and more about constructing an intellectual justification for getting some new ass.

Scanlas The 2nd · 22-03-2012 04:58PM

stovelid wrote: »

MungBean wrote: »

I agree, I think trying to work on the problems is the best option because whether you want to be there or not you have a responsibility to be there to raise your child.

If most people did whatever actually made them happy marriages wouldnt last and kids more often than not wouldnt be raised. A persons happiness shouldnt be the defining factor in remaining in a marriage when there is a kid involved. Too often I hear people say "I'm just not happy, I'm going to leave the marriage", "I dont love them any more". Tough shít you have a child to raise, make an effort.

You're missing my point. Your own well-being and your well-being as a couple is as important as looking after your family. And it has a direct effect on the happiness of your entire family. You shouldn't have to choose between either.

As for the sex thing; it's an inaccurate cliche that marriage kills sex lives but isex in any long-term relationships has plateaus and peaks, espcially when you have kids and you're probably only ever going to capture that early relationship excitement sporadically - which in a way makes it nice when you do which does happen.

I get the feeling the OP is less about a decrease in sex and more about constructing an intellectual justification for getting some new ass.

Many couples just aren't attracted to each other sexually, there's a reason we find sex with new people exciting and pleasurable. Why force your oh to not be satisfied sexually.

aaronjumper · 22-03-2012 05:21PM

So the mature decision is not to try and solve the problem but to divorce as soon as possible?

(I would type more but I am fighting a losing battle with leaving an incredibly sarcastic comment.)

MungBean · 22-03-2012 05:47PM

stovelid wrote: »

You're missing my point. Your own well-being and your well-being as a couple is as important as looking after your family. And it has a direct effect on the happiness of your entire family. You shouldn't have to choose between either. .

I understand that it has an effect on the happiness of the family as a whole, my point is that your childs well being is more important than your own even though they may be interconnected to a certain degree. So if your relationship isnt working you try harder to make it work even if you dont want to, if your not happy you explore all avenues to resolve that. Its no longer about you and your partner you have a responsibility to the kid to try make it work.

But when it comes to it most people leave relationships/marriages because they themselves are not happy or want to be with someone else. Although its correct to say it will have a negative effect on the kid to have their parents unhappy most people dont try to get help for the benefit of the child its all solely based on what they want for themselves.

My point is that its tough shít, you cant always get what you want. You have a kid who needs a home and family and thats your number one priority. Although your correct in saying happy parents will be better for a child than unhappy parents its still a bit of a cop out to say "I'm not happy, thats not good for the kid, I'm moving in with Antoinette down the road, I love her". The alternative isnt any better for the child than living with unhappy parents.

Sykk · 22-03-2012 05:48PM

stupidusername wrote: »

well it's possible and likely, but not always. and i'm speaking from having been in a relationship when I wasn't in love any more.

Well I'm sure there are exceptions

al28283 · 22-03-2012 05:53PM

MungBean wrote: »

So if your relationship isnt working you try harder to make it work even if you dont want to, if your not happy you explore all avenues to resolve that.

So... try to fix it before you break up? Do you think people don't do this already?

paddyandy · 22-03-2012 05:57PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

Where does the Idea that good sex is a prerequisite for a good marriage come from at all . Plenty of people have good contented marriages with little or no sex ????.The Media is probably behind the idea that sex must be a part of everything as it's linked into most advertising .

MungBean · 22-03-2012 05:58PM

al28283 wrote: »

So... try to fix it before you break up? Do you think people don't do this already?

I'm sure a small percentage would do it but the vast majority dont because their own personal happiness and wants are to the forefront of their minds. Its not so much a case of I have tried to make this work for my child but I'm afraid my unhappiness is negatively affecting them. Its a case of I am unhappy, I dont want to do this any more. I dont want this life. I want to be with that other person. Its all selfish reasons.

paddyandy · 22-03-2012 06:00PM

Love and Desire are not the same ingredients in any relationship .

scholar007 · 22-03-2012 06:05PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it usually the female in a marriage who goes off having a bit of hows yer father? Like ya never hear women complaining that himself isn't up for a bit of rumpy pumpy!

paddyandy · 22-03-2012 06:29PM

There are many ideas that make for a good marriage and sex is only one . People watch too much tv these days .Marriage was never made for sex .

squod · 22-03-2012 06:42PM

Zip up yer mickey.

The_Thing · 22-03-2012 07:07PM

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

al28283 · 22-03-2012 07:07PM

MungBean wrote: »

I'm sure a small percentage would do it but the vast majority dont because their own personal happiness and wants are to the forefront of their minds. Its not so much a case of I have tried to make this work for my child but I'm afraid my unhappiness is negatively affecting them. Its a case of I am unhappy, I dont want to do this any more. I dont want this life. I want to be with that other person. Its all selfish reasons.

Do you have anything to back this up or are you just guessing at all of this? It seems like your just guessing and have no real idea

Scanlas The 2nd · 22-03-2012 07:11PM

paddyandy wrote: »

There are many ideas that make for a good marriage and sex is only one . People watch too much tv these days .Marriage was never made for sex .

If they arent interested in sex with each other anymore why not let each other have sex with other people? If you really love someone do you want to see them throwing their sex life down the drain for the sake of your possessiveness.

hondasam · 22-03-2012 07:12PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

You can improve your sex life, on the other hand if you want to bed someone else nothing your wife does will matter.
Go and have sex with this other woman and see if it's worth ending your marriage for. Are you cool with your wife having sex with other men?
Staying for the kids sake is never a good idea in the long run, it might seem like the best thing to do but it's not.

Scanlas The 2nd · 22-03-2012 07:19PM

hondasam wrote: »

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

You can improve your sex life, on the other hand if you want to bed someone else nothing your wife does will matter.
Go and have sex with this other woman and see if it's worth ending your marriage for. Are you cool with your wife having sex with other men?
Staying for the kids sake is never a good idea in the long run, it might seem like the best thing to do but it's not.

I don't have a wife. Not every thread people create is personal.

If I were married I think I'd be ok with my wife having sex with other men. So long is she is on the pill and uses condoms.

It really boils down to insecurity not letting your wife/ husband have sex with other people. The more you treat your oh like a possession the more jealous you feel.

There are tribes around the world where women and men aren't treated as possessions, they have sex with numerous people and there is no jealousy. They are perfectly happy.

MungBean · 22-03-2012 07:23PM

al28283 wrote: »

Do you have anything to back this up or are you just guessing at all of this? It seems like your just guessing and have no real idea

Its AH not a scientific review I dont need jack shít when offering an opinion. If you have studies to offer then post up some links and I'll gladly change my view in that regard if they show me to be wrong.

I dont think it too radical to adopt a view that the majority of relationships that break up do so because the people involved have their problems and not because its in the best interests of the child.

22-03-2012 07:26PM

paddyandy wrote: »

Where does the Idea that good sex is a prerequisite for a good marriage come from at all .

firstly, biology

secondly, i find this exceedingly rich coming from someone whose objection to women in sport is "they're not sexy enough for me"

ScumLord · 22-03-2012 07:26PM

I think the focus of the marriage contract should be to raise children (although it probably already is). The point being the two parents aren't required to love each other like teenagers and the sole focus of the marriage is about the child.

I think modern marriage is too caught up in the fairy tail and the fairy tail will always disappoint. If it's about raising children the contract could end on their 16th - 18th birthday and if the people really want to stay together the can remarry if they don't they can easily part ways under the agreed contract and without bad blood.

paddyandy · 22-03-2012 07:33PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

If they arent interested in sex with each other anymore why not let each other have sex with other people? If you really love someone do you want to see them throwing their sex life down the drain for the sake of your possessiveness.

When someone loves you enough .....sex becomes less important maybe unimportant but TV keeps emphasising an importance that did'nt exist years ago but the media plays a coy move all though the day with it's 'sex sells' and how important sex is .Relatively new idea .It's the expectations that cause a lot of trouble in difficult marriages already burdened enough with bringing up a family .
Sex is a Tyranny used by advertising and people's marriages are suffering from it .

MungBean · 22-03-2012 07:41PM

paddyandy wrote: »

When someone loves you enough .....sex becomes less important maybe unimportant but TV keeps emphasising an importance that did'nt exist years ago but the media plays a coy move all though the day with it's 'sex sells' and how important sex is .Relatively new idea .It's the expectations that cause a lot of trouble in difficult marriages already burdened enough with bringing up a family .

I dont buy that either. The media didnt force sex down everyone's throat, the media reacted to what people actually wanted and that was sex. Its not a new idea people have always been infatuated with sex.

Scanlas The 2nd · 22-03-2012 07:44PM

paddyandy wrote: »

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

If they arent interested in sex with each other anymore why not let each other have sex with other people? If you really love someone do you want to see them throwing their sex life down the drain for the sake of your possessiveness.

When someone loves you enough .....sex becomes less important maybe unimportant but TV keeps emphasising an importance that did'nt exist years ago but the media plays a coy move all though the day with it's 'sex sells' and how important sex is .Relatively new idea .It's the expectations that cause a lot of trouble in difficult marriages already burdened enough with bringing up a family .
Sex is a Tyranny used by advertising and people's marriages are suffering from it .

Sex is important because our bodies tell us it is important the same way it tells us food is important.

The mature decision in a sexless marriage

Comments