The mature decision in a sexless marriage

Scanlas The 2nd

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

super_furry

TLDR: Use it or lose it.

ThinkAboutIt

I LIKE SEX. AND BOOBS. BIG BOOBS.

Forcing the kids to endure hostile/unhappy parents is detrimental to them. Any kids who have gone through that and a subsequent separation will say as much themselves.

Big Johnson

Deal with your own f*cking problems

Fremen

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up.

Wouldn't that be just as hard on the kids? They'd undoubtedly find out about it. I don't think an amicable break-up is necessarily that tough for a child if it's done in the right way.

MrStuffins

Thanks for that Dr.Phil!

Babybuff

there is a solution to this already and it starts with not getting married in the first place.

Peetrik

I have doubts that an open marrige would ever really work without one of the parties getting jealous.

I'm going to jump to a massive conclusion and have decided completely without any evidence that your in a sexless marrige and are looking for justification for an affair.
Either end your current relationship first or get better porn.

MagicSean

Fremen wrote: »

Wouldn't that be just as hard on the kids? They'd undoubtedly find out about it. I don't think an amicable break-up is necessarily that tough for a child if it's done in the right way.

An amicable break up is a rare thing, especially when there is an issue of child custody.

I Heart Internet

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life.

A lot of people don't think that. That you should end your marriage if you're not happy with your sex life?!

A loveless marriage is a very serious problem. A sexless one could be a temporary hitch.

MagicSean

I Heart Internet wrote: »

A lot of people don't think that. That you should end your marriage if you're not happy with your sex life?!

A loveless marriage is a very serious problem. A sexless one could be a temporary hitch.

Doesn't stop people straying, which tends to kill the marraige.

krudler

Babybuff wrote: »

there is a solution to this already and it starts with not getting married in the first place.

This, marriage seems to kill a relationship, i know someone married less than two years and are sorry they did

stupidusername

In any relationship, as long as people are honest about what they want, you're likely to be better off. I don't think staying together for the sake of the children is ever a good idea.

bluewolf wrote: »

Forcing the kids to endure hostile/unhappy parents is detrimental to them. Any kids who have gone through that and a subsequent separation will say as much themselves.

That is true, but why assume the parents would be hostile?

stupidusername

stupidusername wrote: »

That is true, but why assume the parents would be hostile?

I meant in general if the parents are unhappy in the marriage they could be hostile toward each other
i suppose i meant tension & unhappiness but that could happen too

CardBordWindow

I thought the secret to a successful one night stand was 'No forwarding addresses'.

You messed it up, so deal with it!

Sykk

stupidusername wrote: »

That is true, but why assume the parents would be hostile?

Because if you're no longer in love with the person anymore, how would you feel sharing a house/dinner/everything with them?

If they didn't share such things then they avoid eachother, if they do share things it's fake and unfriendly and not a nice atmosphere to be in. Lose/Lose both ways.

Speaking from experience from when I was a young lad btw.

bnt

I like how there are questions about whether to get married or not, but apparently no questions about whether it's wise to have kids or not. Isn't that why marriages become sexless in the first place - the stress of looking after kids?

Biggins

krudler wrote: »

This, marriage seems to kill a relationship, i know someone married less than two years and are sorry they did

Relationships require work, honesty, trust, definitely compatibility and many other human and social fundamentals.
A 'marriage' as such, does not necessarily kill a relationship. Its just one method used to enhance a relationship, to another level if wished.
Others chose other ways - all relationship conditions are prone to the same reasons for break-up.

stupidusername

Sykk wrote: »

Because if you're no longer in love with the person anymore, how would you feel sharing a house/dinner/everything with them?

If they didn't share such things then they avoid eachother, if they do share things it's fake and unfriendly and not a nice atmosphere to be in. Lose/Lose both ways.

Speaking from experience from when I was a young lad btw.

well it's possible and likely, but not always. and i'm speaking from having been in a relationship when I wasn't in love any more.

Son Of A Vidic

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up.

Indeed and just see how long that will last far. The mature decision would be for them to grow up and work on their problem. Sex drives vary throughout life and are not always compatible. But such is life, having the cop on to understand this reality is a significant first step.

MungBean

Dont have kids and you wont have to worry about organising everything else around them. If you decide to have a kid then they are your responsibility so forget about what makes you happy, cop on and raise your child.

If your not capable of that then dont have kids. They are not an accessory to handed back and forth between two parents who are no longer interested in playing happy families.

seamus

krudler wrote: »

This, marriage seems to kill a relationship, i know someone married less than two years and are sorry they did

To be more accurate, getting married tends to expose a ****ty relationship.

If you have a good relationship, marriage doesn't change anything.

In relation to the OP, living in a sexless marriage is going to cause tension between both parties which is ultimately going to cause hassle for the children.

An open relationship is always an option, but it's a tough one when there are dependencies because it creates a situation where any potential sexbuddy could become more than that and then becomes a competitor for resources.

In any case, you would be an idiot to accept an offer of an open relationship when there are children involved. Once your partner sees that you're having fun whoring all around you, they can go to court, claim that you're lying about the "open relationship" arrangement and talk about how your continued infidelity has caused them no end of emotional anguish and caused your children to suffer.

Next thing you know, you're out on your ass paying massive amounts of maintenance and with limited if any access to see your children.

At a basic level we live to procreate. Sex fulfills very primal emotional and physical needs in all people and going without is detrimental to one's health. A sexless relationship can never go anywehre good.

stovelid

You might have more time for riding if you stopped posting Dr Phil shite on AH for a while.

candy-gal1

if you still love your partner as you always had done, but your sex life has diminished or is diminishing, the best thing to do is to be upfront about it, figure out why if you can, try a few new things etc if needs be and after all that if its still not working for either person then imho the open marraige/relationship is your best bet tbh.
as long as its said before any cheating or resentment of the other person occurs, its equal for both parties, and your honest about everything.

not much can wrong in that kind of situation tbh, its the lies and/or cheating that cause the most problems/hassle imho

this whole "oh well if they dont see it it cant hurt them" thing is bull**** imho, and ive always thought that, the truth always comes out in the end so if youve been lying/cheating/keeping secrets etc from your partner its going to be a hell of a lot worse and hurt them a hell of a lot more when its all found out.

Biggins

bnt wrote: »

...Isn't that why marriages become sexless in the first place - the stress of looking after kids?

In some cases yes maybe - in other cases, there is purely the tiredness factor which at times, effects ones desires.
(Father of four here)
Thats where the 'work' as such within a marriage becomes equally important to share in a relationship also.

You have to work at staying together, be it in marriage or outside one (with kids or not).

stovelid

MungBean wrote: »

Dont have kids and you wont have to worry about organising everything else around them. If you decide to have a kid then they are your responsibility so forget about what makes you happy, cop on and raise your child.

If your not capable of that then dont have kids. They are not an accessory to handed back and forth between two parents who are no longer interested in playing happy families.

Kids are the priority but you're on a road to nowhere if you don't make sure you have your own happiness and life as parents. Your own happiness or lack of it has a direct effect on your kids so saying that you should suck down (and not work on) problems is wrong.

cynder

It really depends on the reason why the couple aren't having sex, it is because one was injured and in hospital? or perhaps one is dying of cancer and sex is the last thing on their mind, it it because they dont love each other? is it a temporary thing? the list goes on.

To say if the couple aren't having sex with eachother they should have it with other people and still stay married is a heap of bull s88t. You have to address the reason for a sexless marriage, if one person is sick or unable to perform does not give the other one right to go get thier kicks elsewhere, my marriage vows were 'I SHALL FORSAKE ALL OTHERS' I SHALL RESPECT, HONOR AND ADORE (my husband) IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, TILL DEATH DO US PART. My husbands vow were the same.

If they do not love each other then the best option is too split up but it really depends on the couple you cant paint every couple with the same brush.

As biggins said, a marriage takes work, a little give n take.

Scanlas The 2nd

Corvus Maximus wrote: »

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up.

Indeed and just see how long that will last far. The mature decision would be for them to grow up and work on their problem. Sex drives vary throughout life and are not always compatible. But such is life, having the cop on to understand this reality is a significant first step.

Is it not a bit ridiculous that a loving couple could have nI interest in sex with each other anymore yet insist the other cant have sex with people they do want to have sex with.

cynder

bnt wrote: »

I like how there are questions about whether to get married or not, but apparently no questions about whether it's wise to have kids or not. Isn't that why marriages become sexless in the first place - the stress of looking after kids?

I have a 12 year old 5 year old and 6 year old, and to be honest things in that area have never been better

It was harder when they were babies as they would wake during the night, but now they are all at school lunchtimes have never been so much fun :eek:

al28283

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

Ok

ntlbell

Where's the "I LIKE SEX, BOOBS BIG BOOBS!" guy gone?

I want to hear more from him.

OldGoat

I'm available for baggage free extramarital shinnagins, in the interest of saving yer marrage and the kids feelings and stuff.

Kiera

OldGoat wrote: »

I'm available for baggage free extramarital shinnagins, in the interest of saving yer marrage and the kids feelings and stuff.

Aw man, i need to get married to get you?

MungBean

stovelid wrote: »

Kids are the priority but you're on a road to nowhere if you don't make sure you have your own happiness and life as parents. Your own happiness or lack of it has a direct effect on your kids so saying that you should suck down (and not work on) problems is wrong.

I agree, I think trying to work on the problems is the best option because whether you want to be there or not you have a responsibility to be there to raise your child.

If most people did whatever actually made them happy marriages wouldnt last and kids more often than not wouldnt be raised. A persons happiness shouldnt be the defining factor in remaining in a marriage when there is a kid involved. Too often I hear people say "I'm just not happy, I'm going to leave the marriage", "I dont love them any more". Tough shít you have a child to raise, make an effort.

OldGoat

Kiera wrote: »

Aw man, i need to get married to get you?

Any port in a storm. :cool:

Biggins

stovelid wrote: »

Kids are the priority but you're on a road to nowhere if you don't make sure you have your own happiness and life as parents. Your own happiness or lack of it has a direct effect on your kids so saying that you should suck down (and not work on) problems is wrong.

I agree.
I would add also that parents also need to work at being just that - a couple - not just being parents all the time!

opinion guy

OldGoat wrote: »

I'm available for baggage free extramarital shinnagins, in the interest of saving yer marrage and the kids feelings and stuff.

Husband: So wife...who is you new sex-partner if I'm allowed even ask ??
Wife: Eh...just some Old Goat!

stovelid

MungBean wrote: »

I agree, I think trying to work on the problems is the best option because whether you want to be there or not you have a responsibility to be there to raise your child.

If most people did whatever actually made them happy marriages wouldnt last and kids more often than not wouldnt be raised. A persons happiness shouldnt be the defining factor in remaining in a marriage when there is a kid involved. Too often I hear people say "I'm just not happy, I'm going to leave the marriage", "I dont love them any more". Tough shít you have a child to raise, make an effort.

You're missing my point. Your own well-being and your well-being as a couple is as important as looking after your family. And it has a direct effect on the happiness of your entire family. You shouldn't have to choose between either.

As for the sex thing; it's an inaccurate cliche that marriage kills sex lives but isex in any long-term relationships has plateaus and peaks, espcially when you have kids and you're probably only ever going to capture that early relationship excitement sporadically - which in a way makes it nice when you do which does happen.

I get the feeling the OP is less about a decrease in sex and more about constructing an intellectual justification for getting some new ass.

Scanlas The 2nd

stovelid wrote: »

MungBean wrote: »

I agree, I think trying to work on the problems is the best option because whether you want to be there or not you have a responsibility to be there to raise your child.

If most people did whatever actually made them happy marriages wouldnt last and kids more often than not wouldnt be raised. A persons happiness shouldnt be the defining factor in remaining in a marriage when there is a kid involved. Too often I hear people say "I'm just not happy, I'm going to leave the marriage", "I dont love them any more". Tough shít you have a child to raise, make an effort.

You're missing my point. Your own well-being and your well-being as a couple is as important as looking after your family. And it has a direct effect on the happiness of your entire family. You shouldn't have to choose between either.

As for the sex thing; it's an inaccurate cliche that marriage kills sex lives but isex in any long-term relationships has plateaus and peaks, espcially when you have kids and you're probably only ever going to capture that early relationship excitement sporadically - which in a way makes it nice when you do which does happen.

I get the feeling the OP is less about a decrease in sex and more about constructing an intellectual justification for getting some new ass.

Many couples just aren't attracted to each other sexually, there's a reason we find sex with new people exciting and pleasurable. Why force your oh to not be satisfied sexually.

aaronjumper

So the mature decision is not to try and solve the problem but to divorce as soon as possible?

(I would type more but I am fighting a losing battle with leaving an incredibly sarcastic comment.)

MungBean

stovelid wrote: »

You're missing my point. Your own well-being and your well-being as a couple is as important as looking after your family. And it has a direct effect on the happiness of your entire family. You shouldn't have to choose between either. .

I understand that it has an effect on the happiness of the family as a whole, my point is that your childs well being is more important than your own even though they may be interconnected to a certain degree. So if your relationship isnt working you try harder to make it work even if you dont want to, if your not happy you explore all avenues to resolve that. Its no longer about you and your partner you have a responsibility to the kid to try make it work.

But when it comes to it most people leave relationships/marriages because they themselves are not happy or want to be with someone else. Although its correct to say it will have a negative effect on the kid to have their parents unhappy most people dont try to get help for the benefit of the child its all solely based on what they want for themselves.

My point is that its tough shít, you cant always get what you want. You have a kid who needs a home and family and thats your number one priority. Although your correct in saying happy parents will be better for a child than unhappy parents its still a bit of a cop out to say "I'm not happy, thats not good for the kid, I'm moving in with Antoinette down the road, I love her". The alternative isnt any better for the child than living with unhappy parents.

Sykk

stupidusername wrote: »

well it's possible and likely, but not always. and i'm speaking from having been in a relationship when I wasn't in love any more.

Well I'm sure there are exceptions

al28283

MungBean wrote: »

So if your relationship isnt working you try harder to make it work even if you dont want to, if your not happy you explore all avenues to resolve that.

So... try to fix it before you break up? Do you think people don't do this already?

paddyandy

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

Where does the Idea that good sex is a prerequisite for a good marriage come from at all . Plenty of people have good contented marriages with little or no sex ????.The Media is probably behind the idea that sex must be a part of everything as it's linked into most advertising .

MungBean

al28283 wrote: »

So... try to fix it before you break up? Do you think people don't do this already?

I'm sure a small percentage would do it but the vast majority dont because their own personal happiness and wants are to the forefront of their minds. Its not so much a case of I have tried to make this work for my child but I'm afraid my unhappiness is negatively affecting them. Its a case of I am unhappy, I dont want to do this any more. I dont want this life. I want to be with that other person. Its all selfish reasons.

paddyandy

Love and Desire are not the same ingredients in any relationship .

scholar007

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think the mature decision when you have kids is to break up and leave if you aren't happy with your sex life. I think that's fairly immature as its not very fair on the kids. Parents can love each other but be sexually frustrated also as they want to pursue other people for sexual relationships. The mature decision imo would be to let each other have sex with other people and not breaking up. Being possessive of another person sexually so much that you have to either break up or stay in a marriage with no passion is not particularly mature IMO.

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it usually the female in a marriage who goes off having a bit of hows yer father? Like ya never hear women complaining that himself isn't up for a bit of rumpy pumpy!

paddyandy

There are many ideas that make for a good marriage and sex is only one . People watch too much tv these days .Marriage was never made for sex .

squod

Zip up yer mickey.

The_Thing

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.