Would you be more sad if your child was a bully or was being bullied?

bb1234567 · 25-02-2012 02:06PM #1

I'm not really sure, I'd feel really sad and disappointed that my child would bully another child and make their life miserable but I'd also be very sad if my child was being bullied. 50/50 for me anyway.

4zn76tysfajdxp · 25-02-2012 02:07PM

The latter but I'd be furious if I had a bully for a kid.

Liam Byrne · 25-02-2012 02:12PM

Sad if they were being bullied.

Disgusted and fuming if they were a bully.

Micky Dolenz · 25-02-2012 02:13PM

As long as they were happy.

Biggins · 25-02-2012 02:13PM

Sad that they were bullied (and angry).
I would also be VERY angry if I found out one of my own was doing the bullying. VERY!

The King of Moo · 25-02-2012 02:15PM

I'd be more sad if they were a bully. Being bullied doesn't necessarily reflect badly on the person being bullied: it can happen to almost anyone, and bullying can be sorted out and ended.

But I wouldn't like it if I thought my child was arrogant, boorish and maybe cowardly and treated others badly.
Obviously there are different reasons people become bullies, but I'd be worried that my kid just had the personality for it and was basically just an arrogant prick.

6th · 25-02-2012 02:16PM

Ashamed that they let themselves be bullying.

Proud that they are a natural leader.

I am a bad parent.

TheZohanS · 25-02-2012 02:17PM

Survival of the fittest, innit.

KittyeeTrix · 25-02-2012 02:18PM

I would prefer if they were the bully as it is not possible to control the action of other peoples kids but with my own I'd imagine they'd be a bully only for about 5 mins after I'd been informed................. No more bully from then on in if ya understand me!!!!:mad:

stovelid · 25-02-2012 02:42PM

Heartbroken if my child was bullied; angry if they were bullying other kids.

Old Tom · 25-02-2012 02:46PM

bb1234567 wrote: »

I'm not really sure, I'd feel really sad and disappointed that my child would bully another child and make their life miserable but I'd also be very sad if my child was being bullied. 50/50 for me anyway.

Which eye would you prefer to lose - left or right? I'm actually quite attached to both of them, so 50/50 for me.

Sinfonia · 25-02-2012 02:55PM

KittyeeTrix wrote: »

I would prefer if they were the bully as it is not possible to control the action of other peoples kids but with my own I'd imagine they'd be a bully only for about 5 mins after I'd been informed................. No more bully from then on in if ya understand me!!!!:mad:

I agree, if your child is a bully at least you can exercise some control and try to teach them not to bully other people and help them understand why it's wrong. You can't teach them to not be bullied really. You also can't really get involved with the bully if it's not your kid unless you talk to his/her parents and his/her parents might not give a ****.

So I guess I'd rather my child was a bully, with the caveat that I'd be able to change their behaviour.

Peetrik · 25-02-2012 03:04PM

Javion Wide Puffin wrote: »

The latter but I'd be furious if I had a bully for a kid.

Would you make him cry to teach him not to be such a spa?

Killer Wench · 25-02-2012 03:19PM

Depends.

The bullying of today ain't like it was when I was growing up.

I was a bully but only to males. Mostly my own cousins, but a few little boys who I used to play with. They never objected. I think the only time they may have cried was when they got struck by a toy on accident. By me. But, I got in trouble for that. Otherwise, they all pretty much adapted to it and our parents let it go because it pretty much is a part of life. There will be natural leaders, natural followers, natural outsiders, and natural instigators. If my kid was the bully in one of these more natural engagements, I wouldn't bothered.

However, if my kid was participating in the online stalking, hallway intimidation, and constant harassment of another student, then there computer would be taken away. They would be removed from school and they would probably have to work their butt off to earn back my respect and trust. If my kid was the subject of such bullying, someone's parents are going to get a knock at their door.

Conchir · 25-02-2012 03:47PM

Bully, without a shadow of a doubt.

Having been bullied for a (short) time in primary school, I know that if a child is being bullied it is not their fault. I would much prefer that any children I have in the future would have the bravery to tell someone they're being bullied, than to find out that they were bullying someone themselves. I would be proud if they mustered up the courage to tell me they were being bullied, and ashamed if they were a bully themselves.

gsxr1 · 25-02-2012 03:55PM

I would be very sad in both respects.

I guess im lucky that no one messes with my kid. He has a very short fuse due to ADHD. Temper trip switch. But has a fair amount of friends who put up with it.

Born to Die · 25-02-2012 05:47PM

I would be sad that my kids were either. They have been taught respect and being able to stand up for themselves.

Saying that they are imaginary so they are capable of anything including flight.

Johnny Foreigner · 25-02-2012 06:59PM

bb1234567 wrote: »

I'm not really sure, I'd feel really sad and disappointed that my child would bully another child and make their life miserable but I'd also be very sad if my child was being bullied. 50/50 for me anyway.

I was both bullied at school, and a bully.
There was an ingrained culture of bullying at my school right from the teachers down to the pupils.
Bullying was seen as a way of toughening children up, and admired by the teachers as natural leadership and strength of character.
I was taught to fight back by my father, and when I was bullied I did so myself.
I then in turn became a bully, and learned about racketeering and intimidation.
Little did I know that later in life these skills would serve me well.
Whether you like it or not, many bullies in life go on to be successful leaders.
There are some positions in life where one needs to take control and lead.
I would not have a problem with my child being bully. I would rather that to them being bullied.
I was always taught to stand up for myself and fight back. It has served me well in life.

Robdude · 25-02-2012 07:00PM

I'm not saying bullying is a good thing; it isn't. But there are some underlying traits you find in bullies and in those who get bullied.

I'd much rather have a bully for a son than someone who is getting bullied.

Anyone can get into a fight and lose. I'm not talking about that. But when someone is continuously bullied without taking action, that is a reflection on them as well.

The bully, even though I don't support his actions, he has a lot of positive traits he's just not using appropriately. He might be bigger/stronger than other kids. He might be a natural leader. He might have a stronger personality. Those can all be good, positive things, that lead to a life-long success.

The kid being bullied, well, I'm not saying they are doomed to failure; but the traits they are exhibiting aren't good ones.

blatantrereg · 25-02-2012 07:04PM

Robdude wrote: »

I'm not saying bullying is a good thing; it isn't. But there are some underlying traits you find in bullies and in those who get bullied.

I'd much rather have a bully for a son than someone who is getting bullied.

Anyone can get into a fight and lose. I'm not talking about that. But when someone is continuously bullied without taking action, that is a reflection on them as well.

The bully, even though I don't support his actions, he has a lot of positive traits he's just not using appropriately. He might be bigger/stronger than other kids. He might be a natural leader. He might have a stronger personality. Those can all be good, positive things, that lead to a life-long success.

The kid being bullied, well, I'm not saying they are doomed to failure; but the traits they are exhibiting aren't good ones.

Blame the victim! Might is right!

Your definition of success is flawed.

Bullying is disgusting tbh. I would be quite upset if I had a kid whom I was disgusted by.

Robdude · 25-02-2012 07:14PM

blatantrereg wrote: »

Blame the victim! Might is right!

Your definition of success is flawed.

Bullying is disgusting tbh. I would be quite upset if I had a kid whom I was disgusted by.

You are misunderstanding me. I said I *do not* support bullying. If my child were a bully, I would be upset. I would talk to him/her and explain why it is not acceptable.

I'm saying I would *prefer* that over having a child who is bullied.

There is nothing about being a victim that absolves someone from their actions. If I'm robbed while selling crack, does the fact that I'm a victim absolve me from my actions as a criminal? It's entirely possible to be both a victim *AND* at fault.

I've never actually heard a solid, rational, argument for why we shouldn't blame a victim in situations where it is reasonable to do so....I've only heard people proclaim it as if it were a universal truth.

Robdude · 25-02-2012 07:17PM

Johnny Foreigner wrote: »

I was both bullied at school, and a bully.
There was an ingrained culture of bullying at my school right from the teachers down to the pupils.
Bullying was seen as a way of toughening children up, and admired by the teachers as natural leadership and strength of character.
I was taught to fight back by my father, and when I was bullied I did so myself.
I then in turn became a bully, and learned about racketeering and intimidation.
Little did I know that later in life these skills would serve me well.
Whether you like it or not, many bullies in life go on to be successful leaders.
There are some positions in life where one needs to take control and lead.
I would not have a problem with my child being bully. I would rather that to them being bullied.
I was always taught to stand up for myself and fight back. It has served me well in life.

Exactly what I was trying to say. Excellent post.

blatantrereg · 25-02-2012 07:21PM

Robdude wrote: »

You are misunderstanding me. I said I *do not* support bullying. If my child were a bully, I would be upset. I would talk to him/her and explain why it is not acceptable.

I'm saying I would *prefer* that over having a child who is bullied.

There is nothing about being a victim that absolves someone from their actions. If I'm robbed while selling crack, does the fact that I'm a victim absolve me from my actions as a criminal? It's entirely possible to be both a victim *AND* at fault.

I've never actually heard a solid, rational, argument for why we shouldn't blame a victim in situations where it is reasonable to do so....I've only heard people proclaim it as if it were a universal truth.

But you are suggesting that in general the victim is at fault.
You'd be upset if your 8 year old wasn't macho enough eh?
With an adult, allowing yourself to be violated is to be complicit in that wrong. This can be true in some cases.
With a child, they're not that sophisticated yet. It's more about their basic natures. If my kid was too gentle to hit someone hard enough for them to go away, I would not think badly of them. If my kid liked to torment the kids who were too weak or gentle to stop him, that would be a dreadful thing for me.

Robdude · 25-02-2012 07:38PM

blatantrereg wrote: »

But you are suggesting that in general the victim is at fault.
You'd be upset if your 8 year old wasn't macho enough eh?
With an adult, allowing yourself to be violated is to be complicit in that wrong. This can be true in some cases.
With a child, they're not that sophisticated yet. It's more about their basic natures. If my kid was too gentle to hit someone hard enough for them to go away, I would not feel badly of them. If my kid liked to torment the kids who were too weak or gentle to stop him, that would be a dreadful thing for me.

No, I don't think that the victim is ALWAYS at fault. I believe the victim *CAN* be at fault. In either case, I agree that the bully is ALWAYS at fault. My objection is less about fault and more about the underlying traits the child's actions are reflecting.

Bullies tend to pick on children that are smaller and weaker than themselves. That often means younger children. It's ridiculous to think a child who happens to be less physically strong than another child has done something wrong. That's beyond their control. Every child begins very small and weak.

Same with adults. Not everyone is a 6'4" 115kg professional boxer. Being physically weaker than someone is not something to be ashamed of. Losing an unfair fight or being the victim of a crime doesn't mean you are weak or deserve any blame for it.

However, if you KEEP doing STUPID STUFF; then you do deserve blame for that.

Here's an example - my kid is walking home from school eating a candy bar and a bigger kid comes up from behind, pushes him to the ground, and steals his bag of candy....that makes my child a *blameless victim*.

Presumably, he or she would have the good sense to take some action to prevent it from happening again. Whether it be grouping up with other kids, or telling me or the teachers, whatever. If my kid takes an action to prevent the same thing from happening again; I'd be proud and, most importantly, he wouldn't CONTINUE to be bullied. It would be an isolated incident.

If my kid were to DO NOTHING and accept that bigger people are going to be able to take his stuff from him, and he's okay with it....THEN, he begins to share blame.

And that willingness to accept being a victim is a reflection of traits that are generally considered less-than-desirable in our society.

blatantrereg · 25-02-2012 07:52PM

Robdude wrote: »

No, I don't think that the victim is ALWAYS at fault. I believe the victim *CAN* be at fault. In either case, I agree that the bully is ALWAYS at fault. My objection is less about fault and more about the underlying traits the child's actions are reflecting.

Bullies tend to pick on children that are smaller and weaker than themselves. That often means younger children. It's ridiculous to think a child who happens to be less physically strong than another child has done something wrong. That's beyond their control. Every child begins very small and weak.

Same with adults. Not everyone is a 6'4" 115kg professional boxer. Being physically weaker than someone is not something to be ashamed of. Losing an unfair fight or being the victim of a crime doesn't mean you are weak or deserve any blame for it.

However, if you KEEP doing STUPID STUFF; then you do deserve blame for that.

Here's an example - my kid is walking home from school eating a candy bar and a bigger kid comes up from behind, pushes him to the ground, and steals his bag of candy....that makes my child a *blameless victim*.

Presumably, he or she would have the good sense to take some action to prevent it from happening again. Whether it be grouping up with other kids, or telling me or the teachers, whatever. If my kid takes an action to prevent the same thing from happening again; I'd be proud and, most importantly, he wouldn't CONTINUE to be bullied. It would be an isolated incident.

If my kid were to DO NOTHING and accept that bigger people are going to be able to take his stuff from him, and he's okay with it....THEN, he begins to share blame.

And that willingness to accept being a victim is a reflection of traits that are generally considered less-than-desirable in our society.

What if he tells the teacher, but the teacher blames him, or dismisses what he says? This is common enough - they just dont want the hassle. Or what if the action he takes to change things ends up making things worse? Like if he told his parents and they blamed him for it, or thought less of him. He's a child. He doesn't have a highly developed idea of how things work yet. He learns from what he experiences.

Vocal responses tend to be the strongest defences against most forms of victimisation - especially when you become an adult. Believe me if you're a 6'4 professional boxer, you risk making things a hell of a lot worse for yourself if you use your physical attributes to defend yourself. Especially if your verbal/social skills are not so well developed.

Your sort of attitude would encourage a child to keep quiet about the bullying, rather than to take appropriate action about it. It is likely to cause the very behaviour that you criticise.

Wattle · 25-02-2012 07:53PM

Johnny Foreigner wrote: »

I was both bullied at school, and a bully.
There was an ingrained culture of bullying at my school right from the teachers down to the pupils.
Bullying was seen as a way of toughening children up, and admired by the teachers as natural leadership and strength of character.
I was taught to fight back by my father, and when I was bullied I did so myself.
I then in turn became a bully, and learned about racketeering and intimidation.
Little did I know that later in life these skills would serve me well.
Whether you like it or not, many bullies in life go on to be successful leaders.
There are some positions in life where one needs to take control and lead.
I would not have a problem with my child being bully.

If you met the parents of the child that your son or daughter is bullying would you say this to their face?

ihsb · 25-02-2012 08:00PM

Deffo if they were the bullier... I would wonder what had went wrong in bringing them up!

Micky Dolenz · 25-02-2012 08:01PM

ihsb wrote: »

Deffo if they were the bullier... I would wonder what had went wrong in bringing them up!

It may be something as simple as peer pressure and no reflection on upbringing.

granturismo · 25-02-2012 08:01PM

I am sick and tired of my children having had the following drummed into them in creche and primary school - if another child hits you, do not hit back, tell your teacher what happened.

I just want them to stand up for themselves and defend and if necessary hit back.

blatantrereg · 25-02-2012 08:05PM

granturismo wrote: »

I am sick and tired of my children having had the following drummed into them in creche and primary school - if another child hits you, do not hit back, tell your teacher what happened.

I just want them to stand up for themselves and defend and if necessary hit back.

What happens when the person they hit back tells the teacher?
What happens when the same pattern occurs in adulthood?
Perhaps suggest they make damn sure everybody knows who hit first.

Wattle · 25-02-2012 08:24PM

Many of the people I knew who were bullies in childhood grew up to be really sad people. They tried their bullying thing in adult life and found out it didn't work anymore.

Would you be more sad if your child was a bully or was being bullied?

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