Severe Social Shyness - How Much Of A Problem Is It??

Cybercubed · 25-02-2012 09:21AM #1

What do you think of loners or people who are socially a bit awkward?? You know people who have weird social skills, who don't come across as that popular, virgins in their 20s, people who've never had a girlfriend etc. "Freaks of society".

I used to be one of those types, but I snapped out of it after a while. I used to have terrible social skills, because I was so socially shy it was unbelievabley painful.

People used to often criticise me for not smilling a lot. But the reason for that was was that I tried not to smile too much incase I looked weak and vunerable in society or naive (I suffered some bullying earlier in school), so I had this "mask" on all day of looking quite cold and hard (I didn't mean to but I had to avoid in my head looking weak).

I couldn't make friends, infact it was impossible because I was so socially shy that people thought I was weird and couldn't understand me. A lot of people used to take the piss out of me for it, but there was nothing I could do, I just had to get on with it that I was this "freak".

I used to get nervous speaking to people, sweating, almost like sociallising or "acting" was a hard day at work.

I couldn't understand why I was like this, that I was born this way for no reason. I considered suicide many times in my teens and early twenties because of it. I felt I had no quality of life like it wasn't going to get better and I was stay like this for the rest of my life. Couldn't go out , society hated me etc.

Thankfully I've worked hard at my social skills, travelling the world, jobs, hostels, even if people thought I was weird initially I had to do it in order just to improve somehow, living away from my parents and becoming more independent, putting myself in awkward places where I've had to speak to lots of people, always polite and friendly (because that helps).

I only snapped out of this a few years ago, I'm 25 now and I have a girlfriend now and some friends so life isn't too bad for me. But I really had to work hard at it and I'm still not perfect by any means, I'm probably still a bit of a weirdo.

Some say socially shy people are freaks, weak people of society, losers etc. I think this is a bigger problem than people make it out, but very few people talk about it, what do you think?? Is there anyone here who has suffered from social shyness to the point where it has affected their quality of life??

TeddyTedson · 25-02-2012 09:33AM

Weird thread for AH on a Saturday morning but anyway.

Don't worry about it.
Some people are introverts some people are extroverts.
The best way for someone to get over social shyness is probably by taking baby steps. Every day force yourself to start a conversation with someone, get involved in a conversation.

In school I remember there were a few particularly shy people a lot of us would try to bring out of there shells a bit. Most probably did, but I remember one guy who just kept to him self. We always used to try involve him and the teacher even once had a go at us for "the way we ignored him", but every class he's always sit as far away as he could from everyone. There seemed to be no helping this lad.

Anyway, don't worry OP. As people say, it's always the quiet ones. Good luck.

Ghandee · 25-02-2012 09:38AM

Cybercubed wrote: »

What do you think of loners or people who are socially a bit awkward?? You know people who have weird social skills, who don't come across as that popular, virgins in their 20s, people who've never had a girlfriend etc. "Freaks of society".

I used to be one of those types, but I snapped out of it after a while. I used to have terrible social skills, because I was so socially shy it was unbelievabley painful.

People used to often criticise me for not smilling a lot. But the reason for that was was that I tried not to smile too much incase I looked weak and vunerable in society or naive (I suffered some bullying earlier in school), so I had this "mask" on all day of looking quite cold and hard (I didn't mean to but I had to avoid in my head looking weak).

I couldn't make friends, infact it was impossible because I was so socially shy that people thought I was weird and couldn't understand me. A lot of people used to take the piss out of me for it, but there was nothing I could do, I just had to get on with it that I was this "freak".

I used to get nervous speaking to people, sweating, almost like sociallising or "acting" was a hard day at work.

I couldn't understand why I was like this, that I was born this way for no reason. I considered suicide many times in my teens and early twenties because of it. I felt I had no quality of life like it wasn't going to get better and I was stay like this for the rest of my life. Couldn't go out , society hated me etc.

Thankfully I've worked hard at my social skills, travelling the world, jobs, hostels, even if people thought I was weird initially I had to do it in order just to improve somehow, living away from my parents and becoming more independent, putting myself in awkward places where I've had to speak to lots of people, always polite and friendly (because that helps).

I only snapped out of this a few years ago, I'm 25 now and I have a girlfriend now and some friends so life isn't too bad for me. But I really had to work hard at it and I'm still not perfect by any means, I'm probably still a bit of a weirdo.

Some say socially shy people are freaks, weak people of society, losers etc. I think this is a bigger problem than people make it out, but very few people talk about it, what do you think?? Is there anyone here who has suffered from social shyness to the point where it has affected their quality of life??

Seems to me that you have overcome your shyness and social awkwardness, and evolved into a modest, sociable chap with his feet planted firmly on the ground OP.

Shyness can be a terrible infliction, i'm glad that you seem to have overcome it, and hope your life continues on the path it has taken recently.

Have no shame in being shy, it beats being abnoxious and being smart arsed by a million miles.

Ghandee · 25-02-2012 09:43AM

Check out the two doctor Phil's, off the beer since Wednesday, up bright and early Saturday ^^
:pac:

padma · 25-02-2012 09:47AM

Ghandee wrote: »

Seems to me that you have overcome your shyness and social awkwardness, and evolved into a modest, sociable chap with his feet planted firmly on the ground OP.

Shyness can be a terrible infliction, i'm glad that you seem to have overcome it, and hope your life continues on the path it has taken recently.

Have no shame in being shy, it beats being abnoxious and being smart arsed by a million miles.

Like Ghandee above :pac: Just recognised your double post

TeddyTedson · 25-02-2012 09:47AM

Ghandee wrote: »

Check out the two doctor Phil's, off the beer since Wednesday, up bright and early Saturday ^^
:pac:

And about to go to the gym too

I was very close to falling off the wagon last night. You get a few texts and you start getting a buzz for going out. If I can get over tonight now next week should be easy enough I always find, it's just that first week.

treborflynn · 25-02-2012 09:54AM

I put a thread pretty much the same as this up on AH a few weeks back, only difference is I was lookin for advice for present tense. I got nothin but the piss ripped outta me. best of luck OP......

TeddyTedson · 25-02-2012 10:01AM

treborflynn wrote: »

I put a thread pretty much the same as this up on AH a few weeks back, only difference is I was lookin for advice for present tense. I got nothin but the piss ripped outta me. best of luck OP......

After Hours is like a box of chocolates...

Also just think about that expression literally for a second. The piss being ripped out of you. Ouch!

mikemac1 · 25-02-2012 10:14AM

Cybercubed wrote: »

Some say socially shy people are freaks, weak people of society, losers etc.

The Dublin goalkeeper whose name I forget walked off the field to the dressing rooms instead of staying to lift Sam Maguire

I wouldn't say he is shy, you don't become a school teacher if you're severely shy or you don't play sports and goalkeeper is one position where a single error will have the fans and media destroy you.

But just uncomfortable at going to a trophy presentation, not his thing.
And there was a huge thread in GAA forum over it, what's wrong with him, a weirdo?, or is he arrogant and stand offish?

So yeah, people do get judged which is a bit harsh

Caraville · 25-02-2012 10:28AM

mikemac1 wrote: »

The Dublin goalkeeper whose name I forget walked off the field to the dressing rooms instead of staying to lift Sam Maguire

Stephen Cluxton is his name. I wouldn't call shy people freaks, nor would I call people who haven't gone out with someone in their 20s a weirdo. It is unusual, yes, but also there can be loads of different reasons why a person finds themselves in that situation, might not necessarily be shyness.

That said, I do feel sorry for people who are painfully shy. I'm very outgoing and fairly confident, and even I can feel self conscious and wary of people's opinion of me. I think people who are shy to the point if it totally affecting their lives do need to sometimes just bite the bullet and get themselves out of their comfort zones. But it's taking that first step is the problem.

Mike 1972 · 25-02-2012 10:56AM

I think I heard something about it having been identified as a medical condition which theyre trying to develop drugs for ?

Then again I thought MDMA had already been invented :pac:

Feeona · 25-02-2012 11:39AM

Sh+t happens when you're younger, it affects you in several ways. If you can accept your past (takes a while!), you can then start to get to know yourself, and become comfortable with yourself. In another few years you'll have changed so much you'll look back on your teenage self as if he were a stranger! You'll wonder why you ever questioned yourself about your shyness.

Best of luck with the trip

Nothing wrong with shyness, something wrong with judgmental arseh+les though!

Chuck Stone · 25-02-2012 11:43AM

Shyness??

Back in my day the cure for that was to be forced to tap dance on the alter in the middle of Sunday mass. Tap dancin' away the shyness for the Lawdy Lawdy Jeeehesus.

44leto · 25-02-2012 11:43AM

FFS everyone knows the cure for shyness ALCOHOL that's all you need to know.

A friend of my sister told me, she is a very beautiful woman and she reckoned Irish men are endemically shy, she said they usually have to be half pissed before they can even say hello.

She has a point. I would not regard myself as very shy, but in certain situations I am, it's not that I am introverted, I am a loner, its different. A loner is a loner out of choice, a shy introverted person is a loner out of comfort.

But I can be social and I enjoy a certain amount of popularity even though known as a weirdo, loners get that.

mconigol · 25-02-2012 11:49AM

People generally don't like people who are different from them. The amount of stick you get for walking your own path is unbelievable. I used to worry about that but these days couldn't give a ****. I wasted so much time and talent not being myself just to "fit in". Screw em OP.

faceache · 25-02-2012 11:54AM

Always liked this article by Terry Prone on shyness

http://www.irishexaminer.com/opinion/columnists/terry-prone/making-a-quiet-stand-for-the-much-maligned-shyness-brigade-94618.html

Cool Mo D · 25-02-2012 11:55AM

Being shy is different from being introverted. Plenty of introverted people are not shy at all, and have no problem talking to strangers, or with social interactions. Introverts just find social situations draining, and would prefer to be left by themselves to relax.

There are also plenty of shy extroverts, who want to go out, make friends and party, but are held back by shyness, which is basically fear of being judged by others, and a lack of knowledge how to approach people.

eth0 · 25-02-2012 11:58AM

A good shag is definitely the cure to shyness.

Not really fair though when you're shy the good shag is so hard to get. Just like how work experience is the cure to being unemployable

mikemac1 · 25-02-2012 11:59AM

Depends on the situation too

Put me in a one on one situation and I can have the craic with anyone and have chat and banter about any subject at all.

But put me down the pub/smoking hut in a group of five or six and I do be very quiet and let everyone talk over me.

Something for me to work on I suppose, I'm not much good in a group setting

Wibbs · 25-02-2012 12:00PM

Mike 1972 wrote: »

I think I heard something about it having been identified as a medical condition which theyre trying to develop drugs for ?

Christ not another pretty spurious "medical condition" they can medicate for? A pill for every ill. Make the GP's life easier I suppose. "Take this and get back to me". Plus of course when these things get medicalised, people who are a little introverted or shy and otherwise fine tend to get caught in the wider cast net. Which is bollocks in my humble. Some people are more quiet than others and absolutely nothing worng with that if they're happy out and can live a full life.

IMHO anyway it's not a medical condition, or very rarely. It's a screw up or delay in social maturity in those more prone to it. It's situational, social and upbringing. While as a society we have developed many more ways to communicate interpersonally, personal one on one "natural"(though I hate that word) interaction can be lessened and avoided much more today. Technology like the interweb also increases self diagnosis and group think influence and can provide an existing community who back up someone's self diagnosis and "condition". Plus in a world where it's all too easy to feel like just another beige cog in the machine, more and more people seek to be "different" and will seek out others who are almost identically "different" to them. People who are actually different tend to want to be like everyone else in my experience. So someone with a built in tendency for shyness is enabled more. If they hit their teens being enabled by society (+ peers and parents) then it's likely to become a chronic problem.

I seriously suspect severe social shyness is incredibly rare in more primitive societies, except for those rare case where it is a mental condition with actual pathology. Why? Because such societies rarely have "alone" time. An individual is in almost constant daily one on one contact with other members of that society. They're "immunised" so to speak against this(and other social/mental conditions) from a very early age.

It makes sense. After all we are a social animal and have been from the get go. Modern society allows us to feed certain aspects of that need. Just enough to sate us, but not always in a healthy way. Like the cliche of the nerd choking the chicken to porn* on his pc while his flesh and blood girlfriend is upstairs in bed alone, facebook, twitter, online gaming/communities and the like might be akin to a kind of social pornography, that screws with the real deal.

I reckon we're going to see more and more of this "condition" as the years pass until we adapt to it. A pill is unlikely to change that, it'll just paper over the cracks. Like people who are depressed because of situational stresses rather than anything particularly "inbuilt", it'll aneasthetise, rather than tackle the underlying issue.

Fair play to the OP Cybercubed. He immunised himself through hard work and putting aside his ego. He matured his own social interaction that had been otherwise delayed. Can't have been easy. Kudos.

*recent thing I read apparently found porn watching can lead to loss of libido and impotence in men as they're over stimulated. Interesting stuff.

M cebee · 25-02-2012 12:09PM

you get a lot of hassle when you're growing up alright-if you dont conform to stereotypes

when you look back later the people who hassled you were just dickheads ime

Pacifist Pigeon · 25-02-2012 12:12PM

This sounds like me minus the virgin into their twenties part - I get far to much for someone with social anxiety, it's just I can't seem to hold down a long term relationship. I get scared to text and stuff because I don't want to come across as too pushy or desperate and I don't want to make a show of myself.

Lord TSC · 25-02-2012 01:02PM

OP describes me to a tee tbh.

I don't drink and am staunchly anti-alcohol, so unfortunatly that's me ****ed within society. Being unemployed now really doesn't help either, on multiple levels. If it wasn't for the internet, my social interactions would be nought

And I know I'm not a bad guy; generally when people start talking to me, I get on well with them and they like me. I just have a confidence issue that leaves me worrying in most situations if the person likes me, if I can trust them, etc...

gcgirl · 25-02-2012 01:07PM

Caraville wrote: »

mikemac1 wrote: »

The Dublin goalkeeper whose name I forget walked off the field to the dressing rooms instead of staying to lift Sam Maguire

Stephen Cluxton is his name. I wouldn't call shy people freaks, nor would I call people who haven't gone out with someone in their 20s a weirdo. It is unusual, yes, but also there can be loads of different reasons why a person finds themselves in that situation, might not necessarily be shyness.

That said, I do feel sorry for people who are painfully shy. I'm very outgoing and fairly confident, and even I can feel self conscious and wary of people's opinion of me. I think people who are shy to the point if it totally affecting their lives do need to sometimes just bite the bullet and get themselves out of their comfort zones. But it's taking that first step is the problem.

He I heard suffers from claustrophobia

Old Tom · 25-02-2012 01:08PM

Cybercubed wrote: »

What do you think of loners or people who are socially a bit awkward??

Don't know many of them, for some reason they don't come to any parties or gigs...

shampoosuicide · 25-02-2012 01:37PM

yeah definitely have it bad. was just thinking about this this morning. simple things like talking to people or socialising take so. much. effort. it's crazy.

what makes it worse is the majority of people are dickheads and if they sense you're a bit socially awkward they'll just make it worse. bit of a vicious circle thing.

i do try, but it does look a bit bleak at times. thank **** for the internet or i don't know what i'd do with myself.

25-02-2012 01:38PM

I'm an extroverted introvert - I will make the effort when in the company of others, but I'm perfectly happy by myself.

On a side-note, I used to suffer pretty damned bad with social anxiety. In recent months I've made a massive turn, pretty much by forcing myself to. Unless there's a valid reason that makes someone incapable of overcoming their social shyness, then there's no excuse for being that way.

The King of Moo · 25-02-2012 01:54PM

Well done OP, your post could have easily applied to me when I was younger.

I can't fault anything you did: they were the perfect things to do to overcome your shyness.
I'm also glad to see you still embrace and accept aspects of your personality associated with shyness and social anxiety. It's very easy to throw the baby out with bathwater and try to become a complete extrovert trying to fit in with everyone, then hammer yourself any time you don't quite live up to that idea.

I'm now a seemingly normal, sociable person (on the surface) with friends and a girlfriend, but I still like to do my own thing and be by myself with a good book or such now and then. I also don't like pubs and nightclubs too much, or any large social gathering to an extent. Most people who know me are fine with that, but unfortunately there are still many adults who can't understand or tolerate anyone who does anything outside their limited little world.
The thing to do with people like that is to realise that it's their problem, not yours.

nyarlothothep · 25-02-2012 01:58PM

I don't mind shy people or introverts or people with aspergers etc and will treat them as equals and with respect rather than pathologising them, shame other people can't do it but then that's part of the human race story, prejudice and wilfull ignorance. In conclusion be kind to your socially awkward nerd friends, they've given you the internet, computers, space shuttles, microwaves, the mouse, satellite tv, special effects movies, works of great literature, music, art. Your world is the product of their minds.

6th · 25-02-2012 01:58PM

Old Tom wrote: »

Don't know many of them, for some reason they don't come to any parties or gigs...

Don't see them at orgies either?

Adamantium · 25-02-2012 02:05PM

Teamshadowclan wrote: »

OP describes me to a tee tbh.

I don't drink and am staunchly anti-alcohol, so unfortunatly that's me ****ed within society.

Then you've been defeated before you even tried to pick up your sword

+1 to the poster who mentioned the whole section, regarding shyness or lack of it, in primitive societies

I'd imagine its pretty hard to feel depressed after you've jumped a five foot stream, after being chased by a boar or beer though the countryside; you are starving and need to eat RIGHT NOW.

Its only when you've got a full belly; that you can can worry about existential issues, which were a wonderful luxury

Solution: more real living = less thinkng, less doubt.

cool video, no we are not expected to go completely off grid either

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpDQONK5-qI

Severe Social Shyness - How Much Of A Problem Is It??

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