Wife of 5 Years Has Affair and Blogs About it

Payton · 19-02-2012 09:00PM

Ok if she is having the affair why in gods name would she put it up on a blog??, As said before print everything off. Put it too her and send her on her way. She finds married life "Boring and mondain" thats her issue, the main focus has to be you from here on in. If the shoe was on the other foot would she be as placid about it? IMHO your marriage is gone, if she carries on like that it shows the respect she has for both you and the kids.

Go counselling, and get it out of your system, you must be going through hell.

Back up everything you can/have as proof and show her,the sooner the better.

Find a good friend and family member to confide in, they can be a life saver.

Talk to a good Family Solicitor and get some legal advice on where you stand.

Look after yourself, eat well, stay off the booze, keep occupied, stay calm.

Start planning your life with the kids without her, she seems like a lost cause.
What she has done is totally disrespectful to you and to post it up on the web is way off the tracks.
Dont even bother wasting your time and energy with the other guy....put YOUR time and energy into getting yourself back on track.
Best of luck.

dixiefly · 19-02-2012 09:13PM

Does the OP and wife have kids? I dont recall him indicating that.

I wouldnt waste time on the other guy but I woud certainly let his wife know especially as the OP indicated that he has had previous. It is up to her to decide how she deals with it.

ihsb · 19-02-2012 09:20PM

I personally would mention it to her before she leaves. Tell her you know. This means that you won't be stewing while she is off on a work thing. It might give you two enough time to calm down before seeing each other again and deciding what you are going to do.

I feel for you OP, this is a horrid position to be in. I would deal with your relationship before going into the guys marriage.

Lorna123 · 19-02-2012 09:36PM

This is a terrible hurt Sully, but you are only married 5 years. It is not the end just yet. Your wife made a big mistake and while she may not realize it yet she will. This affair will not last, you mark my words. She is being used by this married man and while she may think she is everything to him she is only another notch on his bedpost. He will never persue anything with her as he is already tied up with his wife and children. She will soon realize your worth and I hope that it won't be too late for you to forgive her. I know it is a very hard thing to do but weigh up what is most important to you. I am pretty sure that your wife will rue the day she had this affair and she will be begging for your forgiveness. If she is what you want man, then don't feel that you have to reject her for this, we all have our weaknesses. I firmly believe that this can be worked out, it is not the end. If only you knew how many marriages go through this and come up smelling like roses. This is all new to you and you feel like it is the end of your world. It is not the worst thing that can happen. I feel that your wife will come crawling back to you, just hang on in there. I agree it is horrible while it is going on but infedility is not as bad as falling out of love and I believe your wife still loves you.

Payton · 19-02-2012 09:48PM

Lorna123 wrote: »

This is a terrible hurt Sully, but you are only married 5 years. It is not the end just yet. Your wife made a big mistake and while she may not realize it yet she will. This affair will not last, you mark my words. She is being used by this married man and while she may think she is everything to him she is only another notch on his bedpost. He will never persue anything with her as he is already tied up with his wife and children. She will soon realize your worth and I hope that it won't be too late for you to forgive her. I know it is a very hard thing to do but weigh up what is most important to you. I am pretty sure that your wife will rue the day she had this affair and she will be begging for your forgiveness. If she is what you want man, then don't feel that you have to reject her for this, we all have our weaknesses. I firmly believe that this can be worked out, it is not the end. If only you knew how many marriages go through this and come up smelling like roses. This is all new to you and you feel like it is the end of your world. It is not the worst thing that can happen. I feel that your wife will come crawling back to you, just hang on in there. I agree it is horrible while it is going on but infedility is not as bad as falling out of love and I believe your wife still loves you.

Are you for real? SHE chose to have the affair, SHE chose to continue it on....she didnt forget she was married, or that she had a home to go too. And she certainly didnt forget about it all when she posted it up on a blog. How does she love him when she carries on like the way she does? its disrepectful to do to anyone....if she wants to carry on like that, well have the guts to tell him the marriage is over and walk away. But dont hurt people on the journey that you chose.

Lorna123 · 19-02-2012 10:08PM

on the verge wrote: »

Are you for real? SHE chose to have the affair, SHE chose to continue it on....she didnt forget she was married, or that she had a home to go too. And she certainly didnt forget about it all when she posted it up on a blog. How does she love him when she carries on like the way she does? its disrepectful to do to anyone....if she wants to carry on like that, well have the guts to tell him the marriage is over and walk away. But dont hurt people on the journey that you chose.

Life is not all black and white On the Verge, and it is not as easy as just saying that the marriage is over. This woman has just embarked on an affair and in my opinion she doesn't realize what she is doing but will come to her senses pretty soon. I don't believe that the marriage should be over just because of this. There were issues on both sides. I agree it is very hurtful for Sully but if this woman wants him back and he is prepared to forgive her I fully believe it can work out. We all make mistakes and I believe that this woman has made a big mistake. I would not throw it all away if I were Sully, wait and see and don't make a hasty decision. It is possible to love someone and still participate in an affair with someone else, men have done it for years. It is nothing new.

Sully 79 · 19-02-2012 10:17PM

It is possible to love someone and still participate in an affair with someone else, men have done it for years. It is nothing new.

Go jump this is absurd !!! I am hurting and you come out with a comment that she can have her cake and eat it!!!! Muppet!

Payton · 19-02-2012 10:20PM

I dont want to get off the topic, This is not a one night stand issue....she continued it on and then posted it!!. Yes we all make mistakes but its how we fix those mistakes that makes us who we are.
Of course there are issues on both sides but there are no reasons to treat someone like that, Im sorry but thats how I feel about that.
And women havent done anything like this before?
Morally there is no excuse for having an affair, either your married or not. simple as that. If you want out SAY it and walk away.
Love is not a light switch, you cant just switch it off.

Lorna123 · 19-02-2012 10:39PM

Sully 79 wrote: »

It is possible to love someone and still participate in an affair with someone else, men have done it for years. It is nothing new.

Go jump this is absurd !!! I am hurting and you come out with a comment that she can have her cake and eat it!!!! Muppet!

No, Sully, I am not insinuating that your wife can continue to have an affair and expect you to be there for her too, all I am saying is that she made a mistake and will realize this very soon. If you feel that you cannot forgive her, and this is understandable too, then what you must do is simple, throw her out and forget about her. Funny, I don't think you want to do that though, maybe I am wrong.

Yes, I agree men and women all have had affairs over the years, there is nothing new in any of that. Some people can forgive and forget but others cannot. If you want to spend the rest of your life without this women then all you have to do is let her go. Simple as that. If you would like to salvage your marriage all I am saying is that infedility is not the end of the world. If your wife came to you and said she didn't love you anymore I feel that your problem would be bigger.

However, I am not you and I cannot speak for you. I really wish you the best in coming to terms with all of this.

Sully, I fully appreciate how awful this is for you and it is one of the most difficult situations to be in, but it is not a time to think about how you might get revenge, more a time to ask yourself how you might be able to go forward in this marriage, if there is a future in it. If you feel there is no future in it then you know what to do. It is still a hard thing to do and I am not making light of it. I just feel that if you want to continue on in the marriage that you are not losing face by doing that. One fling should not a divorce make.

You, of course, know more about your marriage than any of us do and I am sure we do not know the full story. You are the only one who can decide what is best for you. My intention was to try and let you see that there is another side to all of this, besides the obvious. I just wish you the best of luck with it all.

Sully 79 · 19-02-2012 11:57PM

I am a friend wrote: »

Sully 79 wrote: »

Good point, I will weigh this up.

Thank you

Yep don't do anything rash and make sure you print out that blog for reference.

Already have thanks for advice

Sully 79 · 20-02-2012 08:34AM

Wake up fuzzy head wish this was just a bad dream

Abi · 20-02-2012 01:52PM

Sully, I'll just ask in the vaguest hope that it's true.. but is there any chance that this didn't actually happen? I mean, could she have just been a bit bored, and fantasized about this? I'd love to think she was just trying her hand at some creative writing or something daft. You seem like a good man, and so broken up over all of this. It just seems.. I dunno, far fetched that she'd blog about her actually having an affair =/

If it's not the above, as others have said, don't put it off any longer - confront her.

squonk · 20-02-2012 05:22PM

That's an interesting point. Sully, have you any other proof besides the blog? By my understanding the Blog isn't public so it's more like her private 'diary' with thoughts and ideas etc?

One thing I would say is that if the above is true, you would think that the act of writing about her affair would, in some way, focus her mind on what she was doing. Would you think that she has to some extent? Are there further indications from her blog now that she regrets what she did?

I suppose you can only really judge by confronting her about this. You'd have to see how she handles it and you know her so only you could really judge. It's not a nice position to be in however and I feel sorry for you.

I gather from your mails that it sounds like a once off thing so far. It might be worth looking at the aftermath. In the end, only you two can decide what needs to come out of this. That will mean both of you earnestly committing to relationship counselling and working hard to repair your mutual trust and ultimately your relationship. Do let her know you know and take some time to come to terms with all of this. Get some sleep and lay off the drink. Create a bit of distance and come to a point where you have a feeling for what you want and move to the next stage. Then is the time to take the issue back up with her. She has transgressed so she certainly can't complain about your distance for a short while. Right now you need to look after yourself. finally, get a good friend to confide in. We all need them from time to time.

Finally, she's sleeping in the spare room, her choice or yours? Definitely get some rest and look after yourself.

Sully 79 · 20-02-2012 05:48PM

Abi wrote: »

Sully, I'll just ask in the vaguest hope that it's true.. but is there any chance that this didn't actually happen? I mean, could she have just been a bit bored, and fantasized about this? I'd love to think she was just trying her hand at some creative writing or something daft. You seem like a good man, and so broken up over all of this. It just seems.. I dunno, far fetched that she'd blog about her actually having an affair =/

If it's not the above, as others have said, don't put it off any longer - confront her.

Ok I know blogs can be public or private, her blog is private like a diary but you can let others access it.
The details in the blog details how they met, both of them made reference to there meeting. Also detailed bedroom talk that I will not disclose.

So when I say I am 100% sure this happened, it's real and hurts like hell.

She is away on a trip with work I told her we will talk on her return.
Before people read to much into her trip I was due to go also, but have decided to take the time to think everything through.

Sully 79 · 20-02-2012 06:08PM

squonk wrote: »

That's an interesting point. Sully, have you any other proof besides the blog? By my understanding the Blog isn't public so it's more like her private 'diary' with thoughts and ideas etc?

One thing I would say is that if the above is true, you would think that the act of writing about her affair would, in some way, focus her mind on what she was doing. Would you think that she has to some extent? Are there further indications from her blog now that she regrets what she did?

I suppose you can only really judge by confronting her about this. You'd have to see how she handles it and you know her so only you could really judge. It's not a nice position to be in however and I feel sorry for you.

I gather from your mails that it sounds like a once off thing so far. It might be worth looking at the aftermath. In the end, only you two can decide what needs to come out of this. That will mean both of you earnestly committing to relationship counselling and working hard to repair your mutual trust and ultimately your relationship. Do let her know you know and take some time to come to terms with all of this. Get some sleep and lay off the drink. Create a bit of distance and come to a point where you have a feeling for what you want and move to the next stage. Then is the time to take the issue back up with her. She has transgressed so she certainly can't complain about your distance for a short while. Right now you need to look after yourself. finally, get a good friend to confide in. We all need them from time to time.

Finally, she's sleeping in the spare room, her choice or yours? Definitely get some rest and look after yourself.

No other proof then blog.

Would you think that she has to some extent?
Not when she still wants to contact him. She does not feel guilty about what she has done.

She decided to move out of bedroom.

Thank you for above it is probably what I will do. I need the time and distance to look after me and then see what happens.

WhyGoBald · 20-02-2012 06:13PM

OP, just to get this straight, you "happened across" this blog that you say your wife had given you access to before, but she somehow forgot about this and put explicit details about an affair, as well as pictures that could identify her?

The details in the blog details how they met, both of them made reference to there meeting

Do you mean the party to the affair was commenting on the blog? Because none of this sounds as if your wife was trying to maintain any privacy whatsoever.

No other proof then blog.

So she was only being incredibly reckless online?

I'm sorry, OP, there's something incredibly off about all this. I think maybe you're being had.

Sully 79 · 20-02-2012 06:22PM

WhyGoBald wrote: »

OP, just to get this straight, you "happened across" this blog that you say your wife had given you access to before, but she somehow forgot about this and put explicit details about an affair, as well as pictures that could identify her?

Yes pictures of both.

The details in the blog details how they met, both of them made reference to there meeting

Do you mean the party to the affair was commenting on the blog? Because none of this sounds as if your wife was trying to maintain any privacy whatsoever.

Yes

No other proof then blog.

So she was only being incredibly reckless online?

Yes

I'm sorry, OP, there's something incredibly off about all this. I think maybe you're being had.

Not being had at all, really wish I was.

Abi · 20-02-2012 07:50PM

Okay, I was just exploring the notion that it may have been something she was fantasizing about, fancied herself as the next erotic writer or what have you.

The fact that she's moved out of the bedroom speaks volumes, and the fact that she doesn't seem apologetic for what has happened. Shes had some kind of an 'awakening' and you're now surplus to needs if she won't even share a bed with you. I'm sorry to put it like that, but shes selfishly thrown caution to the wind, disrespected your wedding vows and abused your trust.

It's time to take action Sully. I don't know if this is something you could forgive her for and move on, but it certainly wouldn't be me. As soon as she gets back, I'd be giving her the red card, and when she asks why have one copy of that blog in your back pocket for yourself and then give her hers.

I understand your anger at this other man, but please rethink doing anything rash, as there are children involved. I think anyone put in this position would be thinking they way you are, but the reason why you want to do this is to punish him, when in reality this effects more than him. You could contact him and tell him to stay away from your wife or you'll spill the beans on him to his wife.

If you ask me, your wife is an extremely selfish person, and has thrown your love, loyalty, and respect in your face to satisfy her own selfish needs. Rather than seek counseling with you to get over your problems, she chose smugly have an affair and insult you further by leaving the marital bed. By doing this, she's opted out of the marriage already, thinking she has some kind of a future with this man?

You start seeking advice asap about your rights and the next step you should make, and be ready for this silly, selfish woman when she returns.

20-02-2012 09:12PM

please keep replies helpful and on topic
if you have a problem with a post please report it and don't accuse people of trolling on thread
thanks

sbsquarepants · 21-02-2012 10:22AM

Lorna123 wrote: »

I am sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation today. It must be very upsetting. I know it must be very hard to have to think about her with someone else, but just because she ended up in bed with this man does not mean she doesn't love you.

Don't despair, your marriage can still work out, if you want it to. Your wife felt neglected, and she took steps to try and feel appreciated. You can bet your bottom dollar that this affair will fizzle out sooner rather than later. Just try and give her all the attention you can right now, I know this might be hard, but say nothing about knowing what you know yet. Sometimes when a woman has an affair it is just a cry for help. It could be her way of saying that she is looking for more from you so if you would like to save your marriage pull out all the stops, pamper her, and see if that will bring results.

All I am saying is that it is not the end, there are still options open to you if you feel you can try them before giving up. Who knows, she may have been having sex with this other man but she might prefer if it had been you.

Best of Luck.

I have seen some A grade examples of people talking out of their arses, but his has got to take the biscuit!
OP your wife is sleeping with someone else and boasting about it online - it's not a cry for help, she's just a tramp!
You need to off load her pronto, nobody is worth putting up with shít like that for. Don't under any circumstances "pamper her and see if that will bring results". Jesus christ!!!
She's away with work now, have her bags or your bags packed and ready to go when she get's back. It's a kick in the balls, no doubting that and you're in for some miserable times untill it all settles down, but you can keep your head held high and your conscience is clear. In time you'll understand what that's worth, it's priceless in the long run.
She's just no good, you need to move on. The sooner and cleaner you do it, the easier it will be for you. You need to look out for yourself now, your "wife" certainly isn't going to do that for you!
Best of luck

squonk · 21-02-2012 11:57AM

One thing that should be pointed out here is that the OP's wife isn't boasting in a public forum about her affair. She's writing her experiences down in a private blog and the OP happens to have had access to this previously. this is the exact same situation as her creating say a Word document on her laptop and storing it there where the OP happens to have her username and password and can read it. Your or I cannot view this blog unless the wife or OP decide to share the access information so, to clear things up, she's not exactly boastin about the affair in public or blogging in the traditional sense.

That being said, it's not a good sign OP if she's moved out to the spare room. I assume she doesn't know that you know about the affair so was there some other reason she gave for moving out? Have you had a sense that things were breaking down in the marriage for a while or has this blindsided you?

The bottom line here is that she needs to be confronted. Right now it's not unreasonable that she doesn't regret what she's doing because there's no sense that you know about it. She may have thought she'd fobbed you off with some reason for moving into a separate room. Once she knows you found out from the blog, that's the end of the blog (or your access to it anyway). I suppose as I said before, it's up to you then to put your cards on the table and let her know what you've decided.

To the poster who talked about pampering this woman, come on! Seriously! This woman has a lot of explaining and apologising to do. She has a lot of work in front of her with the OP to rebuild the relationship if that's what they want to do. She's not a goddess on some pedestal and if she ever was, she's certainly tarnished her halo now. Everyone can make a mistake. If they are remorseful about it afterwards then there's cause for forgiveness but it's not clear that that's there in this case. By all means pamper your partner, but only if you've had a falling out or some other minor issue. This is far more than a minor issue and airy fairy talk of pampering and taking this woman back isn't something that's neccessarilly a done deal. It'll take the willingness of both parties and it's not even clear that that willingness might be there just yet.

sbsquarepants · 21-02-2012 01:49PM

Well squonk, i was assuming she's writing this blog for an audience of some sort, however select, and not just as a private diary, seems kind of pointless to put a private diary online, but i do take your point.
Either way, i'd be finished with her!

dixiefly · 21-02-2012 02:21PM

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Well squonk, i was assuming she's writing this blog for an audience of some sort, however select, and not just as a private diary, seems kind of pointless to put a private diary online, but i do take your point.
Either way, i'd be finished with her!

yes, probably a very restricted audience, maybe close friends and, possibly, lover boy.

If she gave the OP access a long time ago and has forgotten then it is reasonable to assume others have gotten access over the years.

Is she a bit of a high flier? There are not many jobs floating around these days in which the spouse is taken along. I have done a lot of business travelling over the years and there was only 1 occasion where I could take my spouse with me.

squonk · 21-02-2012 02:29PM

I take your point sbsquarepants but to my view the logic would seem to suggest that it's a form of online diary. In that case it may have made sense for her to grant the OP access. If on the other hand the blog is something for her friends and/or family, then yes, there is something far more unsettling about that. For the former, you run the risk of alienating your husband (bad enough in most people's eyes), but on the other you run the risk of alienating your friends and family. I would expect my friend's blogs to be about their every day experiences, not really their innermost thoughts, feelings etc. If I want that level of contact, Id' certainly have worked to earn it by building up a strong friendship and I think most people would look to confide in close friends for those subjects. Similarly I wouldn't expect to hear blow-by-blow accounts of my friend's extra-curricular activities. In that case I would personally conclude that the blogger is in need of more immediate support than marriage counselling. That's why I take the view that the blog is a diary type thing. Otherwise at the very least, the wife looks like a complete fool in public.

Lorna123 · 21-02-2012 03:22PM

What you have to ask yourself Sully is can you forgive your wife and try and get over what has happened or end this marriage . I have had first hand experience of this and the advice I gave before worked for that couple. Of course I am sure that your circumstances are different and if you feel that your wife is no longer in love with you then no amount of pampering her will work. She is blaming you in her head for what has happened and you are blaming her so where is all this blame going to get either of you?

It will take you a while to get all of this into perspective in your own mind and you will come up with the best solution that suits you.

Best of Luck.

IITYWYBMAD · 21-02-2012 04:34PM

Pampering? Forgive? In love? I presume you're not getting the full picture here?

My only advice would be to plan your/her exit. I know your hurting at the moment, but what she has done is beyond reprehensible, dump her and move on.

jessiejam · 21-02-2012 04:52PM

Sorry for your troubles Op but my only take on this is that she wanted you to find out what was going on.

Maybe she doesn't have the balls to come out and tell you that she wanted out. Instead she wants you to make that decision for her.

In her mind she probably wouldn't feel half as guilty if you kicked her out rather than she left of her own accord.
Just a suggestion.

Why else would you write every detail of an affair somewhere where you knew your OH had access?

Hope you find someone better in the future. No one deserves to be cheated on. No matter how unhappy they are

dr gonzo · 22-02-2012 01:07AM

Lorna123, ive noticed that you consistently insinuate that both OP and his wife share equal blame in this turn of events, as if somehow a presumed lack of attentiveness equates to an extra-marital affair?! I might also add, could you please not also insult the OP's wife by putting an apology in her mouth, shes a grown woman presumably.

The fact is OP, this entire thread, yourself included is being entirely too soft on your wife and what she has done. She has betrayed you and your marriage in the most destructive way and if it were me it would be unforgivable. Everybody's different but I cannot possibly comprehend being in a relationship where the bedrock of trust and compassion has been irreversibly eroded. Dump her like the trash she is.

Lorna123 · 22-02-2012 08:36AM

I just think that it would not be an easy thing for Sully to break up his marriage and I felt that he didn't want to do this. If he thought that this was the best solution why would he be looking for advice. Affairs can be forgiven but what I don't know is whether Sully's wife wants forgiveness or not, or whether she loves him or not. Of course we don't know the full details of this marriage, only Sully knows that. I am sure that Sully will come up with a solution to this himself, despite what any of us say. I was just stating my opinion, not trying to force Sully to take my advice.:)

IITYWYBMAD · 22-02-2012 09:31AM

Lorna123 wrote: »

I just think that it would not be an easy thing for Sully to break up his marriage and I felt that he didn't want to do this. If he thought that this was the best solution why would he be looking for advice. Affairs can be forgiven but what I don't know is whether Sully's wife wants forgiveness or not, or whether she loves him or not. Of course we don't know the full details of this marriage, only Sully knows that. I am sure that Sully will come up with a solution to this himself, despite what any of us say. I was just stating my opinion, not trying to force Sully to take my advice.:)

Why do you believe that it Sully that is breaking up his marriage? He could be looking for advice for a number of reasons, or just simply trying to find another avenue to vent, given his horrendous situation.

You're assuming far far too much to be honest. I also think whether Sully's wife wants forgiveness or not, is completely beside the point.

The first line of your quoted post above demonstrates to me that you're reading this situation completely arse-ways. It's not Sully breaking up any marriage, that was done the day his way slipped into bed with another man. Can you not see that?

Wife of 5 Years Has Affair and Blogs About it

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