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Am I over reacting?

24

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 225 ✭✭Lon Dubh



    We do get on very well except when it comes to discussing money. I haven't been buying his clothes since I lost my job although I did spend €150 on a christmas present for him that I got nothing in return for. He got angry with me because his cousin asked me did I get anything nice for christmas from him (she wouldn't know how bad he is) and I told her the truth that I got nothing so I embarrassed him.

    Sometimes I don't think he knows just how mean he is. He doesn't think he's mean because he spends a lot of money on himself and justifies it because it's "It's my money" He just has no comprehension of sharing.

    He embarrased himself by his selfish meanness. He spends big money on himself when it suits him (he has a boat?), but doesn't even spend what would be considered a pretty "normal" amount on you. If money is important to him, and he spends generously on himself and not you, I think he is indicating that you are a low priority for him.

    If he has no comprehension of sharing then I think he is not fit to marry/live with. Marriage should be about sharing and a joint commitment. Marriage is not just a romatic thing, but an economic and practical arrangement. You could love someone but not be able to live with them. I think his meaness will drive you crazy in a few years. If this ends in divorce he will hire an expensive lawyer and get as much as he can and give as little as he can in any settlement.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 143 ✭✭Killed By Death


    In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

    That's all castles in the air and pie in the sky love.

    His plans and promises are not worth the paper they're written on, exactly like the ring scenario, when it comes to the crunch he will not follow through and his old habits will continue.

    He's not going to spend money on a home and lifestyle abroad for the two of you. He's got a problem. He views money for presents for you as a waste. Do you honestly think he's going to see you right for your early retirement?

    If you want to know what people will do in the future, look at what they do in the present. It doesn't matter what he says he's going to do. That's just talk to keep you strung along.

    You're settling for so little. You say you don't want certain things, the bridezilla wedding, the kids. That's absolutely fine, but if you did want them it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't 'let you' have them anyway.

    He is offering you exactly nothing. You say you love him but his meanness (I don't just mean financial but emotional as well) will grind you down over the years.

    He is happy to take the presents and care you give him but he gives you nothing in return. You don't mean anything much to him i'm afraid OP. That's the harsh truth.

    I strongly advise you to rethink marrying this guy. He is badly flawed and stingyness is one of the big red flags you should never ignore when looking for a mate.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Very few people are ALL bad. It's whether you are prepared to put up with the bad points for the rest of your life that is the issue.

    The resentment is only going to grow as you said yourself he won't change. Are you happy to resign yourself to what you have for the rest of your days. If so, by all means marry the guy. But the fact you are on here says you are not sure and that is no way to enter into a marriage.

    I don't know. I spent a sleepless night last night thinking about this.

    Do I threaten to leave?
    Do I break up the relationship?
    Do I move out for a while and let him stew on his own?

    There's also the financial implication to think of. I have my own house, I can give the tenant notice and hopefully get mortgage supplement to help pay the mortgage until I find employment. But I have invested in our joint property. There's probably no chance of selling in the current climate, we have over €600k invested in it (mortgage and renovations) and it's most likely unsellable right now, regardless of the negative equity. Whatever about paying my own mortgage when I am unemployed, paying a second for a house I no longer live in is beyond my means.

    I need to sit him down and tell him how upset this has me. He doesn't think that the lack of gifts is anything that bad. He always says that he will get me something but I never push it. I need to be more assertive but to me it feels greedy. I don't need gifts. I need him to be thoughtful about getting me a gift, be it a bunch of flowers, or jewellery, whatever. I shouldn't have to push him.

    I shouldn't have to compromise on my engagement ring either.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    In fairness, I never wanted the "big wedding". I have stated for years that it would be 20 or so family, probably registry office. Again, a bit like not sure of wanting children, I'm not 100% conventional in that sense, I never got the bridezilla gene, I certainly won't wear a traditional bridal dress. But that doesn't mean I don't want the romance of the proposal..

    He would wear his suit. I'd be lucky if he got himself a new shirt and tie.

    In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

    OP, this man is inherently selfish. It's not about money really - it's about him refusing to share.

    This 'dream retirement' he's promising you? I can guarantee it will not be what you envisage. When the time comes and reality hits that he's actually going to have to fork out some money for a home somewhere, he'll probably pull the same stunt he's currently doing with your engagement ring and you'll end up somewhere less desirable than what you actually wanted.

    Birthdays, Christmas, etc don't have to cost money.

    I was a little skint over my gf's birthday a few years back, but I still made an effort even if I couldn't afford a big present for her. I made her breakfast in bed, took her out for the day just going different places, came back home and handed her a 3-course 'menu' which I'd printed and then proceeded to make the meal - after I'd run her a bath with wine and candles so she could relax while I cooked. Did it cost me much? No. Did it take a little effort? Yes. Did it mean a lot to her? Yes. Is there any valid reason your other half couldn't do something similar? NO.

    You need to accept your other half is like this for life. It's his nature. There will be no oasis in the desert, and no bright light at the end of the tunnel. He may make more money in future, he may even spend a little more, but I've read stories like this a million times and people like this do not change. If you're prepared to continue putting up with it, then you need to accept this is how it's going to be for the rest of your life and get these false hopes out of your head. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I genuinely wish the best for you and just want you to see sense.

    It is demoralising, miserable and completely infuriating being with someone who refuses to share anything and is so tight-fisted. Not to mention someone who is equally good at leeching off you when it suits them. People can be sensible with money yet still lead very fulfilling lives without going to the extreme this man is at, where he literally won't spend a penny. You've both been together a long time now, it's time for this man to step up to the mark and wise up.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    Jesus Christ OP, your post has to be the most depressing I've read in a long long time. You're obviously not thick, otherwise you wouldn't have had the money to buy your house alone, so why are you being so bloody stupid when it comes to this guy? Does he have a golden c*ck or something? Seriously OP, get to a councellor, the fact you even thought that this was in someway normal speaks volumes about what he's already done to your self-esteem.

    Not trying to go all tough love on you but your posts really do make you sound needy and pathetic, I'm sure you're not but you certainly sound that way. If you don't want children why would you even want to get married to this guy? What's in it for you OP? A world of romance? Being made to feel special? Having a partner that will do everything he can to make you feel loved and valued? Someone that you can rely on? Eh I think you know the answer to those questions.

    Stop blinding yourself to the obvious OP, why haven't you dumped him? Is it because you're afraid of being alone? If so, a councellor can help with that also. Seriously OP, break up with him and get to a councellor. (edit: just read your latest update and negative equity is a ****ty reason stay with somene)

    Best of luck.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    curlzy wrote: »
    Stop blinding yourself to the obvious OP, why haven't you dumped him? Is it because you're afraid of being alone? If so, a councellor can help with that also. Seriously OP, break up with him and get to a councellor.

    Best of luck.

    I am afraid of being alone. I'm mid thirties, I'm shelf material!

    Besides, when you spend that long with somebody, they are your partner, your best friend, your confidant. I do love him, I don't want to give up on what we do have to get more "stuff" from him. Yes he is mean, but he is not all bad.

    We have been through a lot together, he doesn't do the romantic gift giving things but he does other things that shows he cares, we have a good life together, we are involved in sports together and we are a good couple in every other way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 143 ✭✭Killed By Death


    But I have invested in our joint property. There's probably no chance of selling in the current climate, we have over €600k invested in it (mortgage and renovations) and it's most likely unsellable right now, regardless of the negative equity. Whatever about paying my own mortgage when I am unemployed, paying a second for a house I no longer live in is beyond my means.

    Ok, then this is what you need to work on and figure out. Is this what is really stopping you ending it? Because you can probably find a solution to this. Surely other non-married couples in negative equity with joint property split up all the time. A solicitor or financial advisor could probably advise you well here.

    If you are going forward with this marriage just because you are entangled financially with this man then that's crazy. The mess will just get worse and more complicated and if you two marry he will become entitled to half of everything you have. So you'll be in deeper.

    Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Think carefully before you proceed. It's very hard and expensive to undo financial entanglements once you marry. And I'm sorry but this man is a bad prospect.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Neyite wrote: »

    Ok, so if dumping him is not an option, then your only way is to have your engagement, and let him deal with the embarrassment of not getting you a decent ring. Why should you shield him from that? Dont say you dont want a ring, because that gives him his out when people ask. Announce your engagement, then say that you are leaving the ring up to him. Then leave it up to him. He is wasting money monthly by not being able to use your tax credits to reduce his income tax because you are not married and co-habitees cant transfer them.

    Similarly, stand up for yourself with regard to the bills and the rest. Work out the % usage for the electrictity he would use during the day, and factor it back into his share of the bill. Do this with all utilities. Anyone with a basics in accounting knows that if you work from home offset porportions of utilities from the end of year tax liability anyway, which he should be doing if he wants his money back. If he is employed, do the same and let him go into the accounts dept with an expenses bill and get it off them.

    Ditto with the groceries - whats stopping you from saying "hold on mister, I paid my share for my shampoo and conditioner, you pay yours for your razor blades." Turn the tables and be exact to the penny too. Give him his exact change back even if its in coppers. So what if the ar$e is threadbare on his trousers. Let him walk around in them if he wants!

    It seems that the scales are beginning to fall from your eyes at last OP! I think you should do what Neyite has suggested, i.e. give him a taste of his own medicine. Because if you have any doubts about breaking it off with him, his reaction* to you treating him the way he treats you should give you the push you need. (*reaction being 'not happy' going by what you've said about him being more than accommodating in accepting gifts from you even though he gets you nothing)

    As for the house you share with him, is there any way of selling the house you already own and paying off your half of the mortgage you hold with him? Any family who could help you out?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 851 ✭✭✭TonyStark


    If you want to marry him to be financially secure and treated like **** then this is defo the guy for you. I say that quite genuinely.

    What myself and the other half do is pay for the shop ever other week. Some weeks it's dearer than others. Other weeks it's cheaper it's the way it goes. I do use the shampoo sometimes... :-) we've never had a falling out over it. Think about it. I doubt she uses my shower gel but I've no problem in buying her anything she needs. If she picks up a magazine while during the shop I'll throw it under a bag of spuds when we get to the til.... Just to avoid the 'argument' about her paying me back.

    When i got engaged the most important thing for me was her to be happy with the ring and to be happy to wear it. We agreed that it would come from our joint savings it was a bit of a stretch alright but I'm glad she is happy with it. I guess the question that you have to ask yourself are you happy...

    Quite possibly you already know that you've made a mistake with this guy. No one here will read your first post and see anything positive about ur 'fiancé'. The obvious take from that initial post is that your fed up and at your wits end.

    Objectively no excuse for 'forgetting' your birthday. Your partner sounds like a horrible selfish little mammys boy that wants a new mammy to pander to him.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    OP, what are you doing considering getting married to that miserable git? WHY in god's name would you want to be with someone who goes through your grocery receipt and deducts the money for the cost of your shampoo and conditioner?! Seriously - I am like WTF at your posts. He is one hell of a miserable git. He gives you nothing. He doesn't even wish you happy birthday. He doesn't want to spend one bit of money on you whatsoever. He doesn't make you feel special, he makes you feel like a worthless piece of junk coz he makes no effort at all! The engagement ring issue is just another thing to add onto the list, except finally it has made you wake up and smell the coffee beans. You should never have left it get this far.

    How can you be in a relationship with someone like that who manages money like that? You are planning on getting MARRIED, that means that you help each other out. Jees, I would never dream of telling my fiancé that he can buy his own Head & Shoulders shampoo because it's not coming out of "our" shopping budget.

    He sounds awful OP, how you say you can actually love him is baffling because seriously - what are his redeeming features? He makes Scrooge look generous.

    If you do have children together, how are ye gonna "divide" the payments up for them?! And like others said, if you take unpaid maternity leave or whatever? He would not let you buy anything.

    And on the retirement plans - he may have plans for HIS retirement, but I'll bet he'll be happy out to let YOU keep working until you're 70 until you have enough money of your own to keep up with the lifestyle he will get accustomed to when he has retired in his 50s.

    You say you're mid-30s and so don't want to be single again, but jees how would you rather give the next 50/60 years of your life to this miserable man who will suck all the life out of you? Or would you rather try to find someone who will at least treat you with the respect you deserve?

    It's not even about the money, it's about the effort. To say he doesn't even wish you happy birthday just speaks volumes.


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  • Subscribers Posts: 19,421 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    There are worse things than being single, its far preferable to being trapped in a bad marriage. Earlier on you listed out this man's good points. Why did you do that? Because if those good points truly made up for the bad you wouldn't be posting here at all. The reason you have had such a strong reaction is because as casual observers we can clearly see the catastrophic situation you are walking into and the truth you are trying not to see, or to justify. The real truth is when you love another person you do not treat them this way and say such spiteful things. If you don't want to leave him then you MUST force his hand and refuse to take this financial bullying any more.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    I do love him, I don't want to give up on what we do have to get more "stuff" from him.

    This sentence is worrying. Everyone responding to you can see and is telling you that this is about much more than an engagement ring. This isn't about "stuff", and referring to it as that is dismissing your own very legitimate worries. It's like you're trying to rationalise staying with him using his logic, by painting yourself as some awful materialistic money-grabbing bridezilla. You're clearly not that.

    You're obviously not looking for stuff, you're looking for a meaningful acknowledgement as to how much your boyfriend (I was going to write partner, but he's very far from that) values you. And to put it bluntly, he doesn't.

    His bull**** reason of being able to retire by 50 might be plausible if he wasn't so generous to himself - car, boat, expensive bike.

    He's a miser, in financial and emotional terms. He won't get better, he's getting worse. He will continue to get worse. Get out now while you still can. This idea of being "shelf material" is nonsense.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op,
    I am so sad to read your posts. honestly! thinking someone is in this situation is just horrible.

    and then reading everyones responses, will you get out of your situation.

    everything you say about him annoys me.
    I'd rather be single and happy than be in relationship like yours, I wish you could see it from our point of view.
    and i hope you find a way to leave this man.. your joint home, there'll be solution to that, and it'll serve him right for treating you the way he does.

    Hope you see your way out of this Op .


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    This is such a sad thread.

    Please dont marry this man. Whatever about the reasons(control etc) why he does these things (the going through the receipt sounds like the behaviour of a mentally ill person tbh), the truth is that you are frustrated by this behaviour today, in your mid-30s. You have suffered 7 years of actually living with this kind of behaviour already. Please look ahead. How are you going to feel in 30 years time, after this appalling behaviour has had 3 more decades to wear you down, frustrate you and upset you? I can absolutely guarantee you that his retirement plans are pie in the sky - will he be splitting receipts and making you pay for your own shampoo then also?

    Its awful, just awful. Its abuse. Mental abuse. I really do not know how you could be with someone who treats you so badly - and that you know its wrong, but you have stayed anyway, your self esteem must be in tatters at this stage - practically everything you have described is his behaviour screaming 'YOURE NOT WORTH IT'.

    Just imagine for a minute if you left him, do you honestly think that any nice girl with intact self esteem would put up with that kind of behaviour? It baffles me how it even got so extreme as to be going through a receipt and deducting your shampoo (or other items) from his share!!!

    I once worked with a very very odd scary individual who was more than likely an undiagnosed very mentally ill person. There were a huge number of stingy incidents but the thing that always stuck with me was this. He had lived (unmarried) with his partner for 15 years. They didnt have a joint bank account and everything was split 50/50. He told me that he had kept every receipt of every item bought for the 'household' for the past 15 years, so that if they ever broke up that he would be sure to get 'his half' in value of their joint belongings. I often had visions of his solicitor trying to put a value on a 15 year old couch so he could claim his half in the event of a breakup. Just truly weird and stingy behaviour.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok, then this is what you need to work on and figure out. Is this what is really stopping you ending it? Because you can probably find a solution to this. Surely other non-married couples in negative equity with joint property split up all the time. A solicitor or financial advisor could probably advise you well here.

    No it's not the reason stopping me. I don't want to end it, but it's a major consideration if it comes to it.
    If you are going forward with this marriage just because you are entangled financially with this man then that's crazy. The mess will just get worse and more complicated and if you two marry he will become entitled to half of everything you have. So you'll be in deeper.

    If that's the case I would stand to be the major financial benefactor from him, he has a good few assets.
    Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Think carefully before you proceed. It's very hard and expensive to undo financial entanglements once you marry. And I'm sorry but this man is a bad prospect.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 185 ✭✭LovelyLottie


    I agree that this is a very sad thread.

    I think OP that the first thing you need to do, is to start being honest with yourself. You've been making excuses for this person, because you don't want to be alone. Being alone is scary, but a lot less head-wrecking than living with someone who treats you badly.

    If i were you i would speak to a close friend or family member and tell them everything you've been putting up with. You must do this. You know that you haven't been telling them everything up to now, because you know what their reaction will be, and you don't want to hear it. But talking to someone whom you respect and trust will help you to see that what you've been putting up with is not right.

    You've received some fantastic, constructive advice here. But we're strangers. You need to confide in your best friend or sister or someone you trust. Tell them your hurt and let them help you come to the decision that's best for you.

    You deserve to be treated with respect and love. By staying with this man, you are continuing to allow yourself to be treated badly. Good luck.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,117 ✭✭✭Defiler Of The Coffin


    I don't know. I spent a sleepless night last night thinking about this.

    Do I threaten to leave?
    Do I break up the relationship?
    Do I move out for a while and let him stew on his own?

    There's also the financial implication to think of. I have my own house, I can give the tenant notice and hopefully get mortgage supplement to help pay the mortgage until I find employment. But I have invested in our joint property. There's probably no chance of selling in the current climate, we have over €600k invested in it (mortgage and renovations) and it's most likely unsellable right now, regardless of the negative equity. Whatever about paying my own mortgage when I am unemployed, paying a second for a house I no longer live in is beyond my means.

    I need to sit him down and tell him how upset this has me. He doesn't think that the lack of gifts is anything that bad. He always says that he will get me something but I never push it. I need to be more assertive but to me it feels greedy. I don't need gifts. I need him to be thoughtful about getting me a gift, be it a bunch of flowers, or jewellery, whatever. I shouldn't have to push him.

    I shouldn't have to compromise on my engagement ring either.

    This post actually made me upset. It reminds me of a relative of mine who has stayed in an abusive marriage for the past 20 years. Their reason for not leaving (among others) is that the financial implications would be too significant. In doing this they have condemned themselves to a lifetime of sadness and despair. The longer it has gone on the worse it has got.

    I am not saying that this is how you will end up but from what you have posted so far the signs don't look good. Financial considerations are not a good reason to go ahead with a marriage. Sure it might cost you money to exit the relationship now, but that is a small price to pay for your mental and physical well-being. Remember we cannot take our wealth with us when we depart from this world (although it sounds like your partner would try his damnedest). Even if you did go ahead with the marriage and decided you wanted out a divorce would be far messier than leaving him now.

    Only you can decide for sure if you want to go ahead with this, but please move forward with your eyes open. Don't end up in a prison of your own making. You deserve to be loved and cherished and not to be made felt like a financial inconvenience. Best of luck.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    OP have you guys spoken about what's going to happen if you're still unemployed when your entitlement to Job Seekers Benefit runs out? Does he know that after 12 months you move to Job Seekers Allowance and that his income will be taken into account when deciding how much you receive, the State will expect him to support you financially. You could end up with €30 a week, will he help you to supplement your income till you're back on your feet?


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,889 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Does he want to get married? If he's giving out about the price of a modest ring that you both previously agreed on, how is paying for the wedding going to work out? Is he going to want to seriously scale back on guests to save costs? Family & a nice restaurant could turn into families splitting the bill in a nice restaurant, while he goes through the bill separating everything. Does he realise most of the wedding "promises" made during the sermony are to love, honour, respect and SHARE?

    Do you know you can swap silver coins "as a token of all I possess"?

    Is he going to ask for the wedding service to be edited to cut out all mention of respecting each other and sharing your lives?

    You are not going to change him. Threatening to leave, or end the relationship, or leaving for a while could back fire on you. He mightn't be THAT bothered.

    If you gave him an ultimatum, could you be sure he'd choose the path you want him to?

    Again I will say, you are not going to change him, at least not by yourself anyway. It's inbuilt in him. So the question you need to ask is, can you put up with this "one flaw" for the rest of your life, or is it too much for you to overcome.

    You're hardly a money grabber, by the way!

    Edit: I just managed to read through all the replies and something Neyite said struck me... you can GUARANTEE, that he is claiming the household bills on his tax. Is be very surprised if he didn't know he's entitled to! Along with milk, bread, butter, teabags etc... anything that he can say is used during office hours.

    So he's actually making money off you. You pay 50% of bills and he claims a sizeable chunk of the total back!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    good lord.... there's virtually nothing that I can disagree with here.

    On your partner, he sounds to me like one of these people that doesn't believe in the commercial aspect of birthdays and Christmas, will not indulge in it, put up decorations, lights, candles on cakes, all the stuff people are used to and especially not buy gifts. But will always, always, always, if someone decides to hell with that outlook and gives a present to them, they will always happily receive it without thanks but then to continue bashing the commercialism and expectation of birthdays and such occasions anyway.

    OP this is beyond him growing up in poverty or with nothing and hoarding cash for a rainy day... like being offered 1 biscuit and sneaking 3 on the quiet, just in case you are left go hungry later. This is way beyond it.

    He works from home. How involved are you in his business? How well is his business doing? Why do I get the feeling that he is deflecting his earnings and tightness of money with turning on you and putting you down about what you receive on social welfare to throw you off the fact the business is possibly not going as well as he pretends or lets on?

    Something is amiss.... if he was a hedgefund manager or an economist or an accountant or a stockbroker I'd understand the possible actuality of his retirement plan at 50 for himself but for anyone else I would have serious serious doubts of that being a reality without meticulous research about how the stock market works and 24/7 coverage on cnbc and glued to apps they have.

    Unless he's professionally qualified and has qualifications and exceptional knowledge of stock trading, the stock market is a place to stay away from unless you know your stuff the same for any type of investing even hedgefund managers lose millions by just selling at the wrong time. I don't know something what you mentioned has raised a red flag in the mind with me, sounds like a gambler desperate for a win but always always ends up betting high and losing it all.

    In any case OP, the control over money that even shaming him into not sharing money and embarrassing him for not getting gifts and his general treatment to you, I urge you to take on board the fantastic advice here already given.

    he is going to be like this for life. Kids, babies, grandkids, illness, whatever life throws at you he is always going to be like this. Should you have kids, I can imagine if he isn't going to buy you a gift, there's no way he is going to buy a child a gift, and you will always feel pushed by guilt to overcompensate for this to your child by buying something crazy expensive as a result, to show some affection, and you know what, while you will end up stumping up all the cash, getting the gift, he will take the credit for it.

    If ever there was a sliding doors moment that you need to have it is now in life. You're young, only 33 and i'm only a few years behind you and you are not expired goods sitting on a shelf!

    Edit: Just a thought...while he grew up with nothing, he is quite capable of being able to provide financially. He doesn't have an interest in spending his money even on clothes for himself, so he doesn't, knowing you will spend the money on him instead, and he will accept whatever charity you give him. He takes no responsibility in clothing himself and paying for the cost and will argue over what is his share of the bill of groceries. In other words, he will not spend money on practical necessities but will rely on your charity to do so, so long as if it isn't a gift, he will only ever pay for anything he uses that he wouldn't see as being "communal". However, he will quite happily spend plenty of money on high cost luxury items (boats and stuff cost in the region of thousands, especially during the boom) he is a fanatic of seeing to be having money. So either he is smoke and mirrors and all the toys that scream status and money were bought with borrowed money or he has an underlying issue with himself to overcompensate for material belongings that = wealthy and status for not having anything growing up which results in his behaviour that he himself has yet to really take account of or realise how it effects others and will probably see you in debt for years to come. should business go bad, I guarantee he will sell your teeth before he will sell his toys.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    Even this christmas, we were out on xmas eve and I knew he didn't get me anything so I said it to him. This is at 4.30 in the afternoon when pretty much all the shops are closed so he says "ok lets go and get you something" I asked him where he intended to go at 4.30 on Christmas eve to get me a present because most if not all shops were closed early and he said "well fine, I did offer".

    I don't know why this in particular upsets me for you as he's evidently done a lot worse, but my heart goes out to you for this OP. Imagine, the one present that should count on Christmas morning, from your fiance, and not only is there nothing under the tree for you, but he doesn't have a guilty bone in his body about it.

    He doesn't care OP. No-one should have to get used to that, eleven years or not. That's not love. If you're with someone you love, you would beg, borrow or steal to get them something special for Christmas, for their birthday, to get them the engagement ring they want, to ease the burden on them when they're struggling financially. That's what love is. Sharing. Taking care of someone. Surprising them. Doing what it takes to put a smile on their face. When's the last time he did any of those things for you?

    Others have pointed it out, and I hope you can see, this is not about the money. It's so symbolic. You deserve somebody who will love you completely and share their lives with you completely. That is not this man.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    I am afraid of being alone. I'm mid thirties, I'm shelf material!

    Oh please. I met my now husband in my mid thirties.
    There is no such thing as shelf material.
    There are single people of ALL ages out there looking for that special someone.
    Doesn't matter what age you are, there will be someone out there looking for the same things as you.
    Certainly, staying with someone because you 'think' you will be alone is a dreadful thing to settle for.

    Now you are saying that you care for him and he does other 'stuff' for you.
    But you are on here posting unregged because this IS a problem for you and you know something's not right.

    Stand back and try to see this from the outside.
    If a friend of yours wrote the OP in this thread, what would you say to them?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,537 ✭✭✭Gyalist


    OP you're living with a leech. Just thank your lucky stars that you don't have a joint account with him.

    It's a new year and it's not too late for a new start.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,537 ✭✭✭Gyalist


    BTW OP, did he propose to you or did you have to nag him into getting engaged? Seems to me that he may sense your disenchantment and is only planning to be engaged to keep you sweet for a few years while he continues to dangle future promises of marriage in front of you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 87 ✭✭Captain McDuck


    This guy sounds like a nightmare. There is being frugal and there is being plain old cheap.

    I don't know how you managed to put up with this for so long.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,889 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OP, in all my time here I have never seen a thread quite like this... 5 pages, and every single reply is the same. Usually there are varying opinions, and different angles or spins on issues... but EVERY SINGLE REPLY is saying the same thing.

    Does that not tell you something?

    I understand that you are "used to him". And that you say you love him. But even the good bits you point out about him are pretty feeble. The good things you have said about him, I could say about any one of my friends or family. A partner/husband/bf etc is supposed to be that one step further than your friends. There is supposed to be something extra about what they do for you and how they make you feel that makes them stand out above everyone else. And THAT is why people get married.

    You shouldn't "settle". You shouldn't have to "put up with it".

    He should make you feel loved and appreciated, and if every day or a few times a week he is making you feel like sht by picking through receipts and refusing to acknowledge a birthday or Christmas, and doesn't care that you are bothered... well then??

    That makes him a step down from a "normal" friend, not a step up. Because a friend wouldn't make you feel like that. And if they did, you wouldn't be long about copping on and distancing yourself from that friend.

    (Me and my husband don't buy big gifts for each other.. there's nothing we ever specifically need, but we always get something! This year for Christmas, I bought him an Elvis onesie in Penny's for 6 euro!! He bought me a pair of slippers you heat up in the microwave... a tenner in Heatons!!)

    It is incredibly hard to finish and walk away from a relationship. But I think if you stick around, then you need to accept responsibility for your own misery. You have the chance to get out, if you don't... that's nobody else's fault.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP mid 30's is not the end of your life - I just went to my Aunts wedding and she is in her late 50's. It really sounds like your just making do with what you've got because your just use to it and can't face some of the issues leaving him will bring but is that really why you want to marry this guy? You keep saying he's got good qualities but the things you've listed like fixing your car doesn't really scream ever lasting love TBH. I'm not someone whose really into the whole you must be in love to marry field of thought and hate PDA's and other carry on but even I find your description of your life with him very very cold. Even when my parents were getting divorced they still did little things for each other that said they cared...your getting married to this guy and he doesn't even say happy birthday to you!

    Lots of people grew up in poverty [and lots of people find themselves now in poverty] but that doesn't equal someone being a selfish git. He isn't tight with money at all if he is buying cars and boats and bikes for himself...sounds more like he is quite happy to throw money around but only on himself.

    Is he getting married because he loves you or because you've been there for the last 10 years and sure you'll do and he thinks he'll get better tax breaks as a married couple.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    OP, what happens if you get ill? You need to have someone who will love and support you. My husband and I would give up our last cent for each other and our children. I have dated men that were tight with money in the past so I do understand the attraction but please leave this looser - you deserve far better.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    I saw this and thought it might be relevant:
    http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
    Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

    Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:
    • Rigidly controlling your finances.
    • Withholding money or credit cards.
    • Making you account for every penny you spend.
    • Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
    • Restricting you to an allowance.
    • Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
    • Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).
    • Stealing from you or taking your money.


    He certainly ticks some of those boxes, doesn't he OP?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    Cathy has made a valid point. Say you got ill and couldnt work and were not entitled to any welfare due to your partners wages can you see him giving you money to make frequent gp visits, attend a private consultant if needs be and pay towards any other essential care. If you dont have a medical card or gp card all this can be expensive. I know for my own long term illness waiting times on the hse were a18 months to see a consultant.


    It sounds as if you are extremely reluctant to end your relationship so I think at the very minimum you should postpone the engagement and marriage until you are 100% sure this is something you are happy with. Your partner needs to make some huge changes and practice living them for quiet some time before you commit to him in marriage.


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