Am I over reacting?

This is such a sad thread.

Please dont marry this man. Whatever about the reasons(control etc) why he does these things (the going through the receipt sounds like the behaviour of a mentally ill person tbh), the truth is that you are frustrated by this behaviour today, in your mid-30s. You have suffered 7 years of actually living with this kind of behaviour already. Please look ahead. How are you going to feel in 30 years time, after this appalling behaviour has had 3 more decades to wear you down, frustrate you and upset you? I can absolutely guarantee you that his retirement plans are pie in the sky - will he be splitting receipts and making you pay for your own shampoo then also?

Its awful, just awful. Its abuse. Mental abuse. I really do not know how you could be with someone who treats you so badly - and that you know its wrong, but you have stayed anyway, your self esteem must be in tatters at this stage - practically everything you have described is his behaviour screaming 'YOURE NOT WORTH IT'.

Just imagine for a minute if you left him, do you honestly think that any nice girl with intact self esteem would put up with that kind of behaviour? It baffles me how it even got so extreme as to be going through a receipt and deducting your shampoo (or other items) from his share!!!

I once worked with a very very odd scary individual who was more than likely an undiagnosed very mentally ill person. There were a huge number of stingy incidents but the thing that always stuck with me was this. He had lived (unmarried) with his partner for 15 years. They didnt have a joint bank account and everything was split 50/50. He told me that he had kept every receipt of every item bought for the 'household' for the past 15 years, so that if they ever broke up that he would be sure to get 'his half' in value of their joint belongings. I often had visions of his solicitor trying to put a value on a 15 year old couch so he could claim his half in the event of a breakup. Just truly weird and stingy behaviour.

OP have you guys spoken about what's going to happen if you're still unemployed when your entitlement to Job Seekers Benefit runs out? Does he know that after 12 months you move to Job Seekers Allowance and that his income will be taken into account when deciding how much you receive, the State will expect him to support you financially. You could end up with €30 a week, will he help you to supplement your income till you're back on your feet?

good lord.... there's virtually nothing that I can disagree with here.

On your partner, he sounds to me like one of these people that doesn't believe in the commercial aspect of birthdays and Christmas, will not indulge in it, put up decorations, lights, candles on cakes, all the stuff people are used to and especially not buy gifts. But will always, always, always, if someone decides to hell with that outlook and gives a present to them, they will always happily receive it without thanks but then to continue bashing the commercialism and expectation of birthdays and such occasions anyway.

OP this is beyond him growing up in poverty or with nothing and hoarding cash for a rainy day... like being offered 1 biscuit and sneaking 3 on the quiet, just in case you are left go hungry later. This is way beyond it.

He works from home. How involved are you in his business? How well is his business doing? Why do I get the feeling that he is deflecting his earnings and tightness of money with turning on you and putting you down about what you receive on social welfare to throw you off the fact the business is possibly not going as well as he pretends or lets on?

Something is amiss.... if he was a hedgefund manager or an economist or an accountant or a stockbroker I'd understand the possible actuality of his retirement plan at 50 for himself but for anyone else I would have serious serious doubts of that being a reality without meticulous research about how the stock market works and 24/7 coverage on cnbc and glued to apps they have.

Unless he's professionally qualified and has qualifications and exceptional knowledge of stock trading, the stock market is a place to stay away from unless you know your stuff the same for any type of investing even hedgefund managers lose millions by just selling at the wrong time. I don't know something what you mentioned has raised a red flag in the mind with me, sounds like a gambler desperate for a win but always always ends up betting high and losing it all.

In any case OP, the control over money that even shaming him into not sharing money and embarrassing him for not getting gifts and his general treatment to you, I urge you to take on board the fantastic advice here already given.

he is going to be like this for life. Kids, babies, grandkids, illness, whatever life throws at you he is always going to be like this. Should you have kids, I can imagine if he isn't going to buy you a gift, there's no way he is going to buy a child a gift, and you will always feel pushed by guilt to overcompensate for this to your child by buying something crazy expensive as a result, to show some affection, and you know what, while you will end up stumping up all the cash, getting the gift, he will take the credit for it.

If ever there was a sliding doors moment that you need to have it is now in life. You're young, only 33 and i'm only a few years behind you and you are not expired goods sitting on a shelf!

Edit: Just a thought...while he grew up with nothing, he is quite capable of being able to provide financially. He doesn't have an interest in spending his money even on clothes for himself, so he doesn't, knowing you will spend the money on him instead, and he will accept whatever charity you give him. He takes no responsibility in clothing himself and paying for the cost and will argue over what is his share of the bill of groceries. In other words, he will not spend money on practical necessities but will rely on your charity to do so, so long as if it isn't a gift, he will only ever pay for anything he uses that he wouldn't see as being "communal". However, he will quite happily spend plenty of money on high cost luxury items (boats and stuff cost in the region of thousands, especially during the boom) he is a fanatic of seeing to be having money. So either he is smoke and mirrors and all the toys that scream status and money were bought with borrowed money or he has an underlying issue with himself to overcompensate for material belongings that = wealthy and status for not having anything growing up which results in his behaviour that he himself has yet to really take account of or realise how it effects others and will probably see you in debt for years to come. should business go bad, I guarantee he will sell your teeth before he will sell his toys.