Am I over reacting?

Sleepy

unregistered wrote: »

I don't think he realises just how much it has upset me.

You're missing the point here. He just doesn't care enough that his lying, meanness and controlling behaviour upsets you.

This man doesn't love you. You're in a relationship of habit and should get out of it ASAP.

fabfemale

I don't understand why anyone would contemplate spending their life with someone like this. I have to say the Christmas eve thing made me incredibly angry, the cheek of him to treat you like that. You say you're well able to give as good as you get and that you have a bit of a temper on you - where was it on Christmas Eve? I would be spitting nails if my other half did something like that to me. While my husband is thoughtful and generous, when it came to a night out, he used to be a bit slow at getting a round in. On a few occasions, I had to remind him, which made me pretty angry having to do that in the company of friends. I discussed it with him recently and he agreed that he was being a bit slow about it. I'm fairly confident now that it won't happen again. Reading back on what you've said above, it would appear to me that no matter what you say to your fiance, he's not going to listen. If he cared one jot about your feelings, there is no way in hell you'd be left with your arms swinging on your birthday and at Christmas, NO WAY. You're a young, independent, confident woman who is self-sufficient and has proven that you can manage your life very well. There are a million men out there who would give anything to meet a woman like you. And you want to settle for the meanest man I've ever read about, who is the butt of your friends and family's jokes and who goes through a till receipt to see if you bought shampoo and conditioner???????? As I'm typing this, it's pretty unf***ingbelievable!! Please, take the advice from every single person who has posted here and take a massive step back to re-evaluate the situation. If you don't want to make a break straight off the bat, then tell him exactly what you've told us. Show him this thread and all of the replies to it. If that doesn't shame him into seeing how lucky he is to have someone like you, then you're well rid.

LegacyUser

OK to try and answer some of the replies...

He's nothing to do with the financial industry, he's got an engineering company. He manufactures and repairs. This past couple of years there's a lot less manufacturing but repairs and servicing have increased threefold. Cashflow is good, it's far less than the boom but plenty to pay himself and the three guys he has working for him. He also has a lot of property, residential and commercial, he bought a good bit before the boom and a few bits in the past year, and he bought nothing in the mad years so it's still profitable for him even with extra taxes.

We were talking again last night and I brought up that he never buys me gifts. He said I am very hard to buy for (which is true) and he never wants to get me something that I will throw back in his face. (which I did with the dvd about 5 years ago). Using some of the advice from this thread I told him that it's not about the gift itself but the thought, again he said he has bought stuff that I've thrown back at him. This refers to the year that he forgot my birthday and he arrives in the next day with a box of milk tray. He couldn't have been more cliched if he tried. (I have told him numerous times that I hate boxes of chocolates, I like a bar of chocolate but dislike most of the fillings in boxes of chocs)

He asked me if there was anything I wanted for my christmas present rather than getting me something I didn't need so he's going to get me a new pair of hiking boots as I need a new pair of my favourite type. I'm happy with this as I would be buying them myself otherwise and they cost a bit.

As for the ring, he said he was speaking to the jeweller on Friday (the day after we were in with them) and to get the best diamonds in the style of ring I wanted was costing crazy money. (His idea would be that diamonds are diamonds and there's no difference) I told him I don't need the best diamonds but I don't want a piece of glass either! He told me to leave it with him and he would sort it.

I also told him that he really upset me when he ridiculed my lack of saving. He apologised for what he said, but it really frustrated him that I have so little savings, given that I had a well paid job since he's known me. I pointed out that I had bought a house independently of him, had our joint property and had no car loan or any other personal loans other than mortgages. He agreed somewhat but he said I used to be really frivolous with money and it's only since I've lost my job that I've reigned myself in. When he says frivolous, he's right to a degree, I used to go on 4 holidays a year, buy clothes and stuff for the house that was beyond unnecessary and ate out more than eating in. One thing about unemployment, I have discovered that I'm quite a good cook and I'm actually far healthier for it.

Regarding ill health and providing for me, this is a valid concern. As I have said before, he wants us to be able to move to a warmer climate in the not too distant future. About 13 years ago I broke my collarbone and my wrist in a skiing accident and have suffered from posttraumatic osteoarthritis since. Sometimes it's fine but when the weather is cold and damp it's not great. Both of us are really active and love outdoor persuits as well so the plan to move to Spain or the like really appeals. The investments he has made in the past decade have been made in order to make this work for us. In 15 years time, almost all mortgages will be paid off so we will be living on the income. My house mortgage will be paid off in 2027 as well so this will be part of our income.

I haven't told him about this thread but I think I'm going to show him. He knows he's stupidly mean, but I think that when he sees it written down and peoples opinions of him it will give him a kick up the arse. I'm flabbergasted at the responses, probably that they are completely one sided. I felt that I was somehow being greedy for wanting the ring, or insisting on presents. Even from my family, I feel almost embarrassed getting presents, because I've always been the biggest earner out of my siblings, I felt almost guilty that they would spend needlessly on me even though I would lavish gifts on them (back when I could afford it)

I slept so much better last night after getting all this out. But even after all of this I don't think the relationship is a lost cause. I would gladly go to councelling if he was willing, just to have a neutral party listen to both sides.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

I saw this and thought it might be relevant:
http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

• Rigidly controlling your finances.

He doesn't rigidly control MY finances, but he controls our joint finances. When I was earning plenty he didn't insist I hand over money.

[*]Withholding money or credit cards.

He doesn't withhold money, he argues over usage certainly but he doesn't withhold it.

[*]Making you account for every penny you spend.

No, he doesn't account for every penny I spend.

[*]Withholding basic necessities

(food, clothes, medications, shelter). Not at all.

[*]Restricting you to an allowance.

No.

[*]Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Eh, no. He has told me he would support me if I choose to start my own business as it's proving difficult for me to find employment.

[*]Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).

No, he has never made me miss work, in fact he admires my work ethic, I was always up and out before him. I rarely if ever called in sick, not that it makes much difference now I'm unemployed.

[*]Stealing from you or taking your money.

No he doesn't steal for me, he reimburses me for groceries I buy for the household.



He certainly ticks some of those boxes, doesn't he OP?[/QUOTE]

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

I haven't told him about this thread but I think I'm going to show him. He knows he's stupidly mean, but I think that when he sees it written down and peoples opinions of him it will give him a kick up the arse. I'm flabbergasted at the responses, probably that they are completely one sided. I felt that I was somehow being greedy for wanting the ring, or insisting on presents.

On the off chance he does get to read this thread, I would like to say the following to him:
Everyone on this thread knows it's not about the presents.
It's about your total lack of interest in showing the girl who is supposed to rock your world what you think of her.

Not once has she mentioned a romantic gesture of any kind from you.
I firmly believe that any long term relationship will not last the course if there isn't the odd bit of romance thrown in there every so often.
Something/anything to remind each other why ye are together is vital.

Your honey has to wear her engagement ring for the rest of her life.
She will look at it often and remember how and when she got it.
She is supposed too love it because you got it for her.

My hubby wouldn't be the most romantic man on the planet and we were together 10 years before he proposed. But wow, did he do it in style and it was a complete surprise to me. It's a wonderful memory I'll take to the grave.

Where are your girls memories?
That you quibbled over the price of shampoo?
That you refused to get her (after donkeys years of nothing) the one little ring she liked.
You're a real catch.

Might I also point out that you both maybe planning for this great retirement without thinking of the present.
Anything can happen between now and then.
Have you planned for the fact that one of ye might be dead by then?
There was a time in my life when I would think of the future. That's gone now due to so many things in my life not panning out as I had planned in my head.
I live for now. I could be dead tomorrow.
You can live now and still plan for the future. Something you should think about.

PS
And for the love of Thor, will you quit being so miserly and quibbling over the price of shampoo.
Buy the shopping and split it down the middle. End of.
And, get a current a/c which you can both put money into each month for the bills.
Life is waaaaay too short to be fighting over such incidentals.

Neyite

OP,
With regard to the gifts - Everyone is hard to buy for. I racked my brains for my partners present, and he did with mine. Just because he got you a DVD 5 years ago and you (understandably) were pissed off about it, does not get him off the hook for future gift buying. Thats what gift reciepts are for.

They say that money, and disagreement over it in the household is one of the top reasons for relationships and marriages to fail. I would strongly suggest that before you announce any engagement, or enter into further commitment at this moment, that you sit down with him and a counseller to see if you both are going to be compatable with the inter-dependance that a marriage entails.

Best of luck.

Daisy M

I agree with the last two posts, that was just a cop out. If he was that stuck for a gift idea he could have just got a voucher. I am with my husband 21 years and he can still get me nice gifts. And referring to a box of milk tray and a cheap dvd as a gift are laughable.

I am a friend

unregistered wrote: »

He said I am very hard to buy for (which is true) and he never wants to get me something that I will throw back in his face. (which I did with the dvd about 5 years ago). Using some of the advice from this thread I told him that it's not about the gift itself but the thought, again he said he has bought stuff that I've thrown back at him.

So he takes no blame still for his lack of effort... So its all your fault? :rolleyes:

unregistered wrote: »

This refers to the year that he forgot my birthday and he arrives in the next day with a box of milk tray. He couldn't have been more cliched if he tried. (I have told him numerous times that I hate boxes of chocolates, I like a bar of chocolate but dislike most of the fillings in boxes of chocs)

He couldnt be more lazy or tight if he tried...

unregistered wrote: »

He asked me if there was anything I wanted for my christmas present rather than getting me something I didn't need

Its January... He missed the boat. He should have asked that a month ago..

unregistered wrote: »

As for the ring, he said he was speaking to the jeweller on Friday (the day after we were in with them) and to get the best diamonds in the style of ring I wanted was costing crazy money. (His idea would be that diamonds are diamonds and there's no difference) I told him I don't need the best diamonds but I don't want a piece of glass either! He told me to leave it with him and he would sort it.

Why was he talking to the jeweller? To find out if you could get cheaper diamonds????:eek:

If you leave it with him, you will get a ring from a halloween brack... Sorry OP but he is being scarily tight here.

unregistered wrote: »

it really frustrated him that I have so little savings

And seeing as you are more than paying your way, why is this his business??? Ill bet he would want a joint savings account.

unregistered wrote: »

He agreed somewhat but he said I used to be really frivolous with money and it's only since I've lost my job that I've reigned myself in. When he says frivolous, he's right to a degree, I used to go on 4 holidays a year, buy clothes and stuff for the house that was beyond unnecessary and ate out more than eating in.

So you were paying your way - your mortgages and for your car. you were working and had no dependents and he has an issue with this? You work hard and the pay off is holidays and eating out.... He sounds so controlling and judgemental.. how dare he tell you off for spending your surplus income on treats....

unregistered wrote: »

even after all of this I don't think the relationship is a lost cause.

I really dont know how you can stay with him. He is judgemental and controlling but he seems to have you where he wants you. Every point thats been raised against him by all the psters has been rebutted by you with excuses for his bahaviour... OP, its obvious you are not going to leave him but I cant for the love of god see why. Best of luck to you.

Pebbles68

unregistered wrote: »

I haven't told him about this thread but I think I'm going to show him. He knows he's stupidly mean,.

If you do decide to show him make sure you do before he buys your ring. Tell him to do some homework on the 4c's when buying a diamond and remind him the standard investment is between 6-8 weeks salary, gross. Remember, you will spend the rest of your life looking at your hand and the ring that is on it. Do you really want to be reminded of how mean he is every time you see your engagement ring?

curlzy

:rolleyes: Ok OP, I can see you're busy covering your eyes and screaming LaLaLaICAN'THEARYOU, so I will just say, when you do want to wake up and realise you're selling yourself way way way way way way way way way way way short, come back read over the replies to your thread without rationalising and justifying the sh*tty sh*tty way he threats you. When you can read what you wrote honestly and not try to justify the unjustifiable then maybe you have a chance of getting the life you actually deserve with a real man, not a life of accepting cr*ppy behaviour from a scrooge.

As it stands though from your perspective you seem to think you totally deserve all his bad treatment, what a gross headspace to be in, you have my pity

Best of luck.

username123

unregistered wrote: »

He doesn't rigidly control MY finances, but he controls our joint finances.

OP I dont know if you are just so close to the situation that you cant see whats going on or if you are so far in denial that you cant see it, or what. But what you have said above is a total contradiction - he controls your joint finances. That is a way of controlling YOUR finances!! Im just going to comment on the stuff that I see as him being guilty of - based on what you have said here.

unregistered wrote: »

He doesn't withhold money, he argues over usage certainly but he doesn't withhold it.

By arguing over usage of money he is creating a situation where you will always either go to him to OK money usage or not bother making the spend because its a hassle. Thats controlling behaviour whether or not you want to see that.

unregistered wrote: »

No, he doesn't account for every penny I spend.

But he does. He goes through receipts and subtracts things like your shampoos from the sum he is to split with you. Thats accounting for every penny you spend!!

unregistered wrote: »

No.

This is about restricting you to an allowance. He has no opportunity to do that right now as you have either been earning your own money or on social welfare, but when the social welfare runs out and you are assessed on his means you probably wont qualify for assistance then. What will happen? Will he give you a set sum per week, or will he just pay for groceries, or will you have carte blanche access to his bank account? Think about it.

unregistered wrote: »

No he doesn't steal for me, he reimburses me for groceries I buy for the household.

No. He makes a production of going through the receipts and subtracting off YOUR stuff - you are a member of the household you know?

This is the one that shocks me the most. If I go to the supermarket without my husband, afterwards he asks me how much it was. I tell him. He hands me cash for roughly half the amount, sometimes more, sometimes less(if the bill is 76 quid he might hand me 40, if its 83 he might also hand me 40 - its not a big deal), and it doesnt matter if that trolley load contained 40 bottles of shampoo for me only!! In a million years he wouldnt dream of asking for a receipt.

I cannot understand how that situation comes about. I dont understand how someone could accept their partner going through a receipt and calculating half of what they have to pay by subtracting off certain items that only one person uses. Does he also add back in items that he only uses? What about food? Does he pay extra if he has an extra cheese sandwich some evening? Do you see what I mean? Do you see how utterly ridiculous this is? How have you not thrown the receipt in his face and told him bluntly to hand over 40 quid, or whatever half the amount is? Its just so demeaning for him to treat you that way. Its disgusting, and if he is reading this now, Id like him to know that if I met someone who behaved that way Id would assume they were mentally ill. Its a disgusting shameful mean way to act - and to act like that to a partner baffles the mind.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

So he takes no blame still for his lack of effort... So its all your fault? :rolleyes:

He does take the blame, but he is probably conditioned to me given up caring.

He couldnt be more lazy or tight if he tried...

Tight - yes, lazy - partly. He can't stand shopping. Even though he's tight, he's the type of man who will walk go into a spar and spend more on milk and bread even though there's a Dunnes or Tesco next door because he can't stand big supermarkets where he wouldn't know where to find stuff.

Its January... He missed the boat. He should have asked that a month ago..

Yep, he should have. But he's going to right it now.

Why was he talking to the jeweller? To find out if you could get cheaper diamonds????:eek:

Because the ring I tried on was for somebody else. I tried on a few rings, then described something similar and the jeweller said she had one but it had already purchased but I could try it on. When I did I knew it was the right one so they were getting one made but would source the diamonds and get back to us. So they rang on Friday and of course quoted himself for D colour almost flawless diamonds and he nearly died.

If you leave it with him, you will get a ring from a halloween brack... Sorry OP but he is being scarily tight here.

Believe it or not I actually had a nightmare this would happen! That the ring arrived and the stone was blue on a brack band!! I told him this, he found it hilarious, and I know this won't happen.

And seeing as you are more than paying your way, why is this his business??? Ill bet he would want a joint savings account.

No we've never had a joint account, he's never seen the need for it. Although I will broach the subject again when I show him this thread.

So you were paying your way - your mortgages and for your car. you were working and had no dependents and he has an issue with this? You work hard and the pay off is holidays and eating out.... He sounds so controlling and judgemental.. how dare he tell you off for spending your surplus income on treats....

I agree, it's not his business, but he worries. He always worries that maybe my tenant will move out and I haven't saved enough of a contingency fund to bridge the gap. He's been in the situation where properties have been empty for a month or two between tenants and he has built up a contingency fund for this.

I really dont know how you can stay with him. He is judgemental and controlling but he seems to have you where he wants you. Every point thats been raised against him by all the psters has been rebutted by you with excuses for his bahaviour... OP, its obvious you are not going to leave him but I cant for the love of god see why. Best of luck to you.

I know he's not perfect. I know he's not prince charming, but I love him, and he says he loves me. Yes he's opinionated, and most wouldn't agree with his opinions but that's his way. Maybe when he sees this thread he'll realise how out of kilter he is with what is considered normal.

Squiggler

Based on the OP's last message I'm going to buck the trend.

Years of television advertising (and millions of pounds) have gone into promoting Milk Tray as the ultimate romantic gift. And the DVD was probably a panic buy, although it is possible that something about the title or the packaging made him think you would like it, or that it was appropriate.

My Dad is an engineer, so are some of my best friends, and so is my husband. Their minds work well with plans, order, logic, practicality and reason. When it comes to the more "fuzzy" aspects of life and human interaction sometimes they are a bit lost. It doesn't mean that they shouldn't try, just that they might need some help and guidance.

My Dad can't remember his own age or birthday most of the time, let alone my Mums or any of ours, and my beloved husband doesn't like birthdays (edited to add) and likes shopping even less - it really annoys him when he can't find the exact thing he's looking for or everything has been moved around and there have been a few times where he got so frustrated that he came back from the supermarket with nothing! It's just not his thing. Sometimes I buy them presents, sometimes I don't, no pressure. But if I want to buy them something I don't have to hold on to it until an occasion because it will mean as much to them any other day of the year. That is my choice.

Before you give up on this relationship, as others seem to think you need to, I think you should continue the dialogue you've already opened with him.

Splitting bills to the nth is weird, and it is also a bad habit to get into when you are in a relationship. You might as well start weighing your plates at dinner time to check you're both eating the same amount and rationing the milk etc. There needs to be give and take in a healthy relationship and it should never be one person doing most of the taking. The giving can be as unequal as the giver is happy with, but when they're feeling taken for granted, as you clearly are, there is a problem that needs to be dealt with.

In all the plans for the future it would be a terrible thing for you both to miss out on the present, and you need to try to get that accross to him. Anything could happen, either of you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. Living in the future and deferring living until then is not healthy and carries no guarantees.

Regarding your "overspending" as he terms it. You could explain that someone needs to treat you from time to time and since he doesn't you've had to do it yourself Because really, that's what it boils down to.

I really do wish you both the best of luck and hope you can sort things out. But, if you don't feel you can live like this, without resentment continuing to build and fester for the next 15-20 years, then you really need to think about looking for someone who can better suit your needs.

username123

unregistered wrote: »

Yes he's opinionated, and most wouldn't agree with his opinions but that's his way.

I always think the 'thats the persons way' is a real cop out.

His behaviour is upsetting to his partner. Thats all thats relevant. Its not about it being 'his way', its about being a selfish individual who doesnt give a fig about his partner.

OP its clear that you are doing the equivalent of 'NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH' to the responses you are getting here, you continue to justify and rationalise his behaviour despite literally every poster advising you that its not ok and its not right for him to behave this way.

Your 'getting engaged' moment has been ruined. You cant take that back. His behaviour will always dominate the memory of it.

Good luck to you, I personally cannot see how anyone could make a happy life with someone who has these traits. To me it would be irrelevant how good he was in other areas of life, tightness is a horrible trait and totally fundamental to a person, I simply wouldnt be able to put up with it. Total deal breaker for me.

Big Bag of Chips

A lot of the excuses you are making for him, hates shopping, you're hard to buy for etc could be said about almost any man, and some women too.

The difference is, he just doesn't bother. You have explained this hurts you and he doesn't change.

That's what it comes down to.

No relationship is "perfect". Everybody does things that hurt/annoy/upsets their partner from time to time. The difference is, when it is pointed out how it makes the partner feel, the bf/gf/husband etc will usually try to change how the behave so as not to deliberately hurt their partner anymore. It's called compromise.

I know its not nice to have people come on and "attack" the man you love, and I admire you for "standing by him"... but your excuses for him are coming across as just that... excuses.

Although you sound like you have convinced yourself, even if you've convinced nobody else! So I genuinely do wish you well. I would hate to be in a relationship with someone SO obsessed by money. My husband could be a little if i allowed it, but I once told him I wasn't going to spend my life watching every penny and afraid to spend money. He still asks occasionally... but he can see I'm not out buying shoes & handbags (or boats!)

I hope you can sort it out, and be happy.

tinkerbell

Oh OP, you really have given up the way you justify everything he does and there is NO justification at all.

His excuse for never buying you a gift is total BS. Once you reach a certain stage in a relationship, buying gifts for your partner can become hard because you've been buying presents for them for a number of years so thinking up new gift ideas gets a little harder! However, not buying you a gift because he says you are very hard to buy for is rubbish and that you'd throw it back in his face. That's a complete cop out if I ever saw one. You can still get a nice thoughtful gift for the person who has everything. You just need to put more effort in, and your boyfriend clearly could not be bothered his ass putting ANY effort into you. In fact, you should stop buying him presents and not wish him happy birthday because why should you? He makes no effort for you.

The engagement ring is inexcusable, he's already ruined your engagement by putting his miserable selfish actions all over it.

He is so high and mighty about all the money he has, I honestly don't know how you can stand back and take all that crap from him.

You keep saying how you will be living off the income after everything is paid off, however you fail to see that he has never shared any income with you NOW, so why would he bother in the future?

Yes I think you should show him this thread. I honestly do not know why you are considering marrying such a miserable stingy git. I really don't. There is no excuse for your partner's behaviour. He doesn't give a crap about you at all. I still cannot get over the whole going through the receipt looking for shampoo and conditioner. Does he do the same with your sanitary products? Jees he sounds like a right catch altogether OP.

LegacyUser

i very very rarely post replies to threads but this one really struck me. i've been with my bf for almost a decade and am in my late 20's. i have only ever had crappy, pissy little retail jobs and have spent a huge amount of time in uni. my bf has finished college a few years now. 2 weeks of him getting a "grown up" job he found an apartment for us and has paid for everything - and i mean everything since then.

i get funding and grants but its nothing compared to his wage. he buys me xmas and birthday presents and valentine's day presents every year as well as paying bills, rent, food, money for me to get clothes, hair done etc. he doesn't even tell me how much our bills are. i pay for food when i can and treat him to video games when i can. i will have a very good job when i finish uni so will look after him then.

as for being "shelf material" i would rather start over again at any age - ANY AGE - to find the person i am with now and know real love, real consuming absolute love then to stay with someone for the sake of having someone. life is just too short. regardless of his other redeeming qualities you will never feel protected, cared for, or never feel precious in his eyes and because of that my heart brakes for you.

nowyouresix

Please OP don't dream of marrying him. He's abusing your good nature, amassing wealth for himself right in front of your face. Get out now while you can. Sorry for being so blunt, but you are almost making excuses here for his behaviour. It's not normal.
He doesn't love you.

rediguana25

unregistered wrote: »

I am afraid of being alone. I'm mid thirties, I'm shelf material!

Besides, when you spend that long with somebody, they are your partner, your best friend, your confidant. I do love him, I don't want to give up on what we do have to get more "stuff" from him. Yes he is mean, but he is not all bad.

We have been through a lot together, he doesn't do the romantic gift giving things but he does other things that shows he cares, we have a good life together, we are involved in sports together and we are a good couple in every other way.

Ok this is getting unbearable reading all of this...and the last straw....is your comment i've highlighted here...'shelf material'!!! Jesus OP are you for real? You seem to have bought into the whole notional idea of what life should be like these days..that is get married because you've been with someone for years for fear of being on your own and left on the shelf. This is NOT the way life is supposed to be. Life is for fun, for love, for experience, for learning from experience and for following what makes you happy. You are settling in this relationship no doubt about it. Just because you are together years doesn't mean you should stay together. People can mistake being comfortable with someone you know very well with being 'best friends' with someone. I would always acknowledge my close friends birthdays never mind my bf's bday.

OP I don't mean this to sound harsh but if you want the life that you are living now and worse then go for it - stay with him. Or if you want to feel like you are worthy of being treated with respect and love then do something about it. By doing nothing nothing will change. You are stronger than you think you are and don't worry about financial situation - this will turn around and don't let that stop you from leaving if that's what you want to do. You will think of a million excuses not to leave but only one big reason to leave. Usually that one reason is the one that comes from the gut. Listen to your gut. You never know, there could be a chance that this shake up will make him stand up and listen and understand what he could lose. Do what you have to do and don't be afraid of making the wrong decision be afraid of not making any decision at all.
Best of luck

Katgurl

OP I am getting you won't leave him so I'll say this to you now, you better find a way to be ok with this because it won't change. So accept the marriage you are walking into - no support, accounting for every penny, no romantic gestures. And as for him having cups of tea or snacks around the house - clearly his meanness is rubbing off on you (kinda understandable).

Don't lie to yourself and pretend the marriage will be something it won't.

Chinafoot

Katgurl wrote: »

OP I am getting you won't leave him so I'll say this to you now, you better find a way to be ok with this because it won't change. So accept the marriage you are walking into - no support, accounting for every penny, no romantic gestures. And as for him having cups of tea or snacks around the house - clearly his meanness is rubbing off on you (kinda understandable).

Don't lie to yourself and pretend the marriage will be something it won't.

At this stage I think the above advice is the only thing the OP may possibly pay even the tiniest bit of attention to.

OP, reading your excuses for this man's behaviour was like reading the excuses abused women give for why their husbands hit them. Its actually really scary. You're defending him like crazy here but remember OP, you are the one that started this thread, you are the one who gave these posters the information they have. The fact that you posted here shows that you know this isn't normal and that you aren't happy with how things are.

Like Katgurl, I just hope you enter into this marriage with your eyes wide open. You will never have the love and support that a marriage partnership is meant to bring with this man. You will always be separate from him. Money will dominate your marriage and I hope you will be prepared for any unfortunate circumstances that befall you such as serious illness or injury resulting in you not being able to work, because from all you have said here OP, you will be on your own. I would also get any notions of his retirement plan out of your head because this will be for him, not you. Afterall, this is a man who says hideously disrespectful things like "why would I want to get married to somebody like you, you can't even save any money", when you are on the dole.

Good luck OP, I fear you're going to need lots of it.

LegacyUser

I told him about the thread. I didn't tell him to read it, but I told him that there wasn't one poster that thinks I should stay with him. He was fairly shocked. He knows where it is, I reckon he will read it at some point, probably today as I'm not at home.

One thing I did bring him to task on was the bill splitting. He's been doing it forever, since himself and his sister shared an apartment when they went to college in Dublin and they had £30 to spend on food shopping for the week. He used to go mad at her spending the food money on things for herself to the point where there would be no money left for food and she would feck off to her boyfriends house and eat there. So this habit has been brought forward to now.

For the past week I have been buying NOTHING. So he has had to go and get basics like bread, milk etc and he hasn't asked me to pay for it, so I think he's getting the point.
One thing I want to insist on is a joint account for bills so he doesn't even see the receipts so it can't annoy him.

If I have any updates if he reads the thread I will post back. Otherwise, thank you all for your advice, kind words, bluntness and support throughout the past week. It was a relief realising I wasn't the "odd" one in the relationship and while I will be continuing ahead with it, I will be taking a much firmer hand, and not let him away with how he has treated me up to now.

xx

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

One thing I want to insist on is a joint account for bills so he doesn't even see the receipts so it can't annoy him.

Honestly, it's the only way to go.
Work out how much you would normally pay for all monthly bills and just get a direct debit going from your personal account into the current a/c.
Works a treat and no money arguments.

Penny Dreadful

unregistered wrote: »

I am afraid of being alone. I'm mid thirties, I'm shelf material!

Besides, when you spend that long with somebody, they are your partner, your best friend, your confidant. I do love him, I don't want to give up on what we do have to get more "stuff" from him. Yes he is mean, but he is not all bad.

We have been through a lot together, he doesn't do the romantic gift giving things but he does other things that shows he cares, we have a good life together, we are involved in sports together and we are a good couple in every other way.

I broke up with someone I had been with for 10 years when I was 32. I never thought I was shelf material. I also knew that it was better to be alone than with someone just to avoid that.
I realised that he was not my partner, not my best friend and not my confidant for a number of reasons.
Being mean is (IMHO) a thoroughly disgusting personality trait. There are no excuses for it. If you love someone you love them and will do all that you can to make them happy, to make your life together work as well as it can for both of you. You invest of yourself, of your time, of your money, of all that you are to make your life together work.
OP your boyfriend sounds mean, cruel, disrespectful, unpleasent, .........the list goes on. It it your choice to remain in this relationship as it is or to remove yourself from it. If you stay in it, at the very least get some couples counselling.

Penny Dreadful

unregistered wrote: »

I know he's not perfect. I know he's not prince charming, but I love him, and he says he loves me. Yes he's opinionated, and most wouldn't agree with his opinions but that's his way. Maybe when he sees this thread he'll realise how out of kilter he is with what is considered normal.

Says he loves you..........thats easy. What does he do to show you that he loves you?

LegacyUser

Having read the post, yes, I think the obsessive manner of counting up amounts on receipts is odd, but am I the only one here who thinks that in a couple, each partner should pay their way? I pay for half of everything, meals out, food, rent, and I'm on 40euro less than the dole!! My boyf is self employed and earns a lot more (but still struggling)and often wants to pay, but why should he?Even though we're together years it doesn't mean we are not two seperate, independant people. But perhaps that's a debate for another day and that's off topic.
The gift thing, well the OP has known it all along, for a decade, and has accepted it, why on earth would she turn around and leave him for something that she has always accepted and gone along with for that length of time because other people now say its unacceptable? Alot of couples have odd behaviours that really shouldn't be told to people because you are asking for them to say O MY GOD I WOULD SO LEAVE HIM, when the OP isn't going to do this. But some couples dont care for gifts or spending money on the other and are content to show love in other ways not got to do with money.If the OP really couldnt handle it she would of left or threatened to leave over it many times, which she hasn't, going by the post. Now in this case the issue is the ring, and why are you, OP, surprised/hurt? You know him! it wont make a difference that its an engagement ring! I just dont think you has ever really seriously confronted him about it, because as you have said when you told him of the thread, he was shocked! So this is the only way forward, for you to stand your ground that he isn't behaving in a way that is loving to you,and he needs to change this, and if he resists, particularly right now about the ring, then you knows your answer, and can walk away relieved you didn't marry someone who obviously doesn't love her or care enough.

I am a friend

unregistered wrote: »

One thing I did bring him to task on was the bill splitting. He's been doing it forever, since himself and his sister shared an apartment when they went to college in Dublin and they had £30 to spend on food shopping for the week. He used to go mad at her spending the food money on things for herself to the point where there would be no money left for food and she would feck off to her boyfriends house and eat there. So this habit has been brought forward to now.

Ah here... Meanness isnt a habit its a caracteristic.... I would be so embarrassed if my OH thought I was mean... We seem to fall out over both wanting to pay for stuff...

unregistered wrote: »

For the past week I have been buying NOTHING. So he has had to go and get basics like bread, milk etc and he hasn't asked me to pay for it, so I think he's getting the point.

So what happens when your shampoo runs out??

unregistered wrote: »

One thing I want to insist on is a joint account for bills so he doesn't even see the receipts so it can't annoy him.

IMHO, the bills should be paid pro rata to income levels. Its not fair you pay 50% when you are probably earning 30% of his income..

Penny Dreadful

OP your thread has been playing on my mind since I read it earlier today. Breaking out of a long term relationship is not easy, sometimes though you have to do the right thing for yourself even if this is the difficult thing to do.
I stayed in my 10 year relationship for about 2 or 3 years longer than I should have because the thoughts of suddenly not being with this guy were frightening, I thought I'd be on my own forever more, I dreaded the thoughts of the dating scene again, etc etc. However, eventually the lies, broken promises, laziness he had towards our relationship and so towards me, just got to be too much and I ended it.
This was a difficult time, very difficult time for me, there is no point pretending it wasn't. We lived together so the pulling apart of our finances, furniture, etc was painful. However, once I ended the relationship, no matter how upset I was, I never once doubted that I had done the right thing for me.
I had the love and support of my family and friends and I also got some counselling which was enormously helpful. I moved on with my life, rebuilt, re-established myself, learned to live again and then I met a really great man.
We're engaged to be married now and I couldn't be happier. He had damn all while growing up and is careful with money, but he lives his life and is generous to me- not just in terms of presents, but in time and attention, support and love.
This all happened in my 30s when you think you'll be on the shelf.
You owe yourself more than just settling for scraps of love and affection from this man.
Can I ask, what was it that attracted you to him in the early stages of your relationship? What was it that made you fall in love with him? What was it that made that love deepen for you?

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

That's the thing. If he can't even stretch to let you off a bottle of shampoo on his earnings, I'm not surprised he then try to cut down on the cost of the engagement ring. It's all relative.

Well, I wash my hair most days, and I use Aussie Shampoo, a small bottle costs about a fiver - when they're on offer in the likes of Tesco I'll buy in bulk so it wouldn't be suprising to see €20 worth of shampoo on a receipt.

There are things that I would buy that he would grumble about - but not deduct, such as tubs of Ben & Jerrys ice cream and kettle chips, things that I wouldn't even have looked at the price when I had a job and now when I look at the price I cringe... and he wouldn't necessarily get to eat them either!

In fairness, I didn't even budget when I had a job. I just spent and spent but now I really notice things like these - and look for a cheaper alternative. He always was more careful with his spending than I was, anything he ever bought like the boat, he never borrowed for it, he saved and bought after considering the purchase for a good while.

I realise now that he places a higher value on money than I do. I tend not to worry about anything financial but will place more emphasis on the here and now, not to worry for later. He's the opposite of that.

Chinafoot

unregistered wrote: »

Well, I wash my hair most days, and I use Aussie Shampoo, a small bottle costs about a fiver - when they're on offer in the likes of Tesco I'll buy in bulk so it wouldn't be suprising to see €20 worth of shampoo on a receipt.

OP with all due respect, you are the one who told us he goes through receipts to deduct your shampoo and conditioner. Now its ok because if they're on offer you buy €20 worth?

I'm actually baffled by this complete turn around by you. I'm not saying you should just jack in your relationship because the general consensus says so, but to switch to such a vehement defence of his actions...it actually reminds me of when you see a man hit his partner in the street, someone intervenes to help and the woman who has been hit attacks the person trying to help.

If your fiance does read this I doubt he'll give a crap what people here have said. All that matters is that he has you exactly where he wants you. You're too scared/think you're too old to be single so you'll stay. You'll marry him and you'll live a life dominated by money that you know isn't right.

All the best OP. I really hope that things change completely (unlikely) or that you'll wake up and walk away. (Even more unlikely, sadly)