Am I over reacting?

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this.

My partner and I have been together over a decade, and during this time he has always been frugal with money, to the point that it's a joke between family and friends. He doesn't buy me christmas or birthday gifts, in 11 birthdays, I've got 3 gifts, only when he's reminded and pushed into it, I'm lucky if I get a card. 2 years ago he forgot to even say happy birthday, even when he was reminded the day before. I've got one christmas gift, that he had to buy as he got me in his familys kris kindle, so he bought me a cheap dvd. He has only ever bought me two bouquets of flowers, both in the first year or so of us going out, one for valentines, the other for my birthday because his sister made him, nothing since.

I always buy him birthday and christmas presents and make a big fuss over him which he enjoys. I always buy his clothes, otherwise he would be threadbare! He gets annoyed at the price of clothes and resents buying them, yet accepts them when I do it.

He's very funny about "sharing". We've lived together for 7 years and he refuses to open a joint bank account. Bills are split to the penny even though he works from home so uses more utilities than I do. I buy the groceries and he reimburses me, which is hell. He goes through every receipt and if there's anything on it that's moreso mine, eg shampoo and conditioner, he deducts it from his share. He eats far more food in the house than I do as he works from home so he has all meals and numerous cups of tea and snacks all day but this isn't taken into account. There's certain things I buy every week in the supermarket that are specifically for him, but I pay my share of these.

Now, we've come to the point where we're getting engaged. Throughout the years I never made much of a fuss of not getting any presents because he always insinuated that when the time came he would get me something special. But now he's saying that the ring I wanted (and we both decided suited me) is too much. What has me so upset is that it's not like it's a €20k rock, it's quite small and insignificant compared to most. It's way smaller than any of my friends and family members and apart from that it was the one we both decided on. And now he's reneged on that. I feel that even if I chose the smallest ring in the shop it would be too much.

We've been arguing for days about it, I just feel so upset, and I think I'm over reacting but part of me says I'm not, I deserve it. He's now saying "why would I want to get married to somebody like you, you can't even save any money". As it happens I lost my job, and while I have a small amount of savings, I haven't been able to add a penny to it while on social welfare and this is what he's getting at. His life revolves around money, making more money and spending it on himself. He's not poor, he has his own business, plenty of working capital and still doing ok for now and has accumulated a good bit in savings as well. He has a collection of "boys toys" (cars, a boat, and a mountain bike which cost more than the ring we had decided on)

I can't talk to my friends about this, we haven't told anybody we're getting engaged and they would be appalled at his meanness, they already give him stick over it and I don't want to give them ammunition to give him a hard time. I'm just so upset that what should be a really special time is turning out terribly.

Neyite

Um... why are you contemplating marriage with this man?

What happens if you decide to have children and you are only entitled to about 270 (dont know the exact amount) per week for only 26 weeks? what about the unpaid leave after that? Who pays for your food and your bills then? Are you responsible for feeding baby out of your share after that since you gave birth to him/her?

He sounds like a nightmare to live with - tightfisted and greedy with it. happy to leech off you for things but god forbid you try. No wonder you are broke and he has all his boy-toys.

I know its not what you want to hear, sorry.

Daisy M

Sorry but I am going to be blunt. A life with this man would be a nightmare. Imagine if you have children and he continues to be like this. Say you have to give up work you will be completely reliant on a mean miserable miser. He is not been careful he is been mean. Its not about how much he spends on you but about the fact he chooses not to and when his hand is forced he takes the cheapest least thoughtful gift he can find to give you. He loves his money more than you and you deserve much much better. The worst thing is he spends the money when it suits himself but only on himself, thats not the actions of a loving caring future husband he sounds horrible.

OP

2 years ago he forgot to even say happy birthday

this is not frugal with money, this is "i dont give a damn about you"

I always buy his clothes, otherwise he would be threadbare! He gets annoyed at the price of clothes and resents buying them, yet accepts them when I do it.

this is "i have a mammy to buy me clothes". do you want to be his mother?

But now he's saying that the ring I wanted (and we both decided suited me) is too much. ...it was the one we both decided on. And now he's reneged on that.

this is not frugal with money, this is "i don't give a damn" plus "i can't be bothered keeping my word to you"

Why in god's name do you want to marry someone who doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you, treats you like his mother, etc? How can you possibly be happy like this?

LegacyUser

''''He eats far more food in the house than I do as he works from home so he has all meals and numerous cups of tea and snacks all day but this isn't taken into account.''''

Are you the sort of person to notice things like this? Because this make you sound stingy.*

Give it a marriage, kids and another ten years and you'll be the type of person who won't want to part with a penny because it'll have turned into a 'tit for tat' type of war where you will want to show your husband exactly how he appears by doing the same things he does!



*not having a go at you, just want you to realise the awful effect a bad relationship can have on your personality

LegacyUser

I'm contemplating marriage to him because I love him. Apart from his meanness he's not a bad person. He had nothing growing up so money is very important to him now.

As for children we have discussed this in depth. We are still unsure if we want children, he's unsure and I'm unsure, really unsure. I never envisaged having children, and the only reason to do so would be to not grow old alone. I have never had the urge to reproduce and am quite selfish in that I enjoy my life as it is. Plus the fact that I am unemployed now has only added to the doubts.

We do get on very well except when it comes to discussing money. I haven't been buying his clothes since I lost my job although I did spend €150 on a christmas present for him that I got nothing in return for. He got angry with me because his cousin asked me did I get anything nice for christmas from him (she wouldn't know how bad he is) and I told her the truth that I got nothing so I embarrassed him.

Sometimes I don't think he knows just how mean he is. He doesn't think he's mean because he spends a lot of money on himself and justifies it because it's "It's my money" He just has no comprehension of sharing.

Oryx

You know the way he behaves isnt on, you can tell us all about it. And youre 100% right here, he is behaving impossibly badly. He is getting away with treating you badly in the name of 'good money sense'. We can see its a lie and so can you.

So the big question is, can you tell him you see through it? And can you take the consequences of no longer accepting his ways? (because you cant).

In addition, please dont accept assurances he will change 'when were engaged/married/have kids'. He won't do it for you now, its doubtful he will do it then.

having no money growing up is no excuse for being that mean, and for "forgetting" to say happy birthday to someone you're supposed to love
it's also no excuse for reneging on your word just because you feel like it even though it's supposed to be something so important

you can stop making excuses for him, OP, because that one isn't cutting it, and is nearly an insult to anyone else growing up with nothing who is generous

who cares if he got angry? he should be angry with himself, not you
i mean that's even worse than all the meanness

for me, all this carry on and childishness would be a deal breaker of the highest order

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

You know the way he behaves isnt on, you can tell us all about it. And youre 100% right here, he is behaving impossibly badly. He is getting away with treating you badly in the name of 'good money sense'. We can see its a lie and so can you.

So the big question is, can you tell him you see through it? And can you take the consequences of no longer accepting his ways? (because you cant).

In addition, please dont accept assurances he will change 'when were engaged/married/have kids'. He won't do it for you now, its doubtful he will do it then.

We have argued about it in the past, but he's not going to change, I know that. I just got so upset that the one thing he said he would do, he's now backtracking on.

I'm far from perfect to live with, I give as good as I get, when he goes through receipts and says "I'm not paying for xyz" I tell him that I pay for half of the foodstuffs he eats. I have a bad temper and will call him on his meanness but it doesn't change him. It has become more apparant since I lost my job, because I've tailored my spending, so him reimbursing me for groceries is far more important to me than it used to be. Beforehand I used to let it slide but now I don't have that luxury.

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

My partner and I have been together over a decade, and during this time he has always been frugal with money, to the point that it's a joke between family and friends. He doesn't buy me christmas or birthday gifts, in 11 birthdays, I've got 3 gifts, only when he's reminded and pushed into it, I'm lucky if I get a card. 2 years ago he forgot to even say happy birthday, even when he was reminded the day before. I've got one christmas gift, that he had to buy as he got me in his familys kris kindle, so he bought me a cheap dvd. He has only ever bought me two bouquets of flowers, both in the first year or so of us going out, one for valentines, the other for my birthday because his sister made him, nothing since.

Sorry OP, but that's just not normal.
I know that when someone cares about you, they shouldn't have to constantly prove it by buying loads of gifts, but Christmas and birthday!? Damn right they do something for those ocassions and it does not have to be expensive.
Flowers, a dvd, cook a romantic dinner, something small to show they remembered your birthday and care enough to mark it as a special day.

He's very funny about "sharing". We've lived together for 7 years and he refuses to open a joint bank account. Bills are split to the penny even though he works from home so uses more utilities than I do. I buy the groceries and he reimburses me, which is hell.

I have my own a/c, so does my hubby. But, we also have a joint account where we both put in X amount a month to cover mortgage and all bills. This works very well for us.
If there is something left over at the end of the year, we put it towards our holidays.
Perhaps it is something you could suggest.

He goes through every receipt and if there's anything on it that's moreso mine, eg shampoo and conditioner, he deducts it from his share.

Wow. Just, wow.

But now he's saying that the ring I wanted (and we both decided suited me) is too much. What has me so upset is that it's not like it's a €20k rock, it's quite small and insignificant compared to most. It's way smaller than any of my friends and family members and apart from that it was the one we both decided on. And now he's reneged on that. I feel that even if I chose the smallest ring in the shop it would be too much.

OP, you say you love him but I'm wondering why?
Instead of going out of his way to make your engagement special, he has ruined it.
Any man worth his salt would have at least made that day special.
I see men posting on this site all the time looking for ideas on how to make the day one of the most special for their girl. That's as it should be.
All relationships need a bit of romance now and again if they are to survive.

I honestly don't know how you are coping with such meanness. It's utterly unattractive.
I'd have snapped years ago.

Neyite

unregistered wrote: »

I'm contemplating marriage to him because I love him. Apart from his meanness he's not a bad person. He had nothing growing up so money is very important to him now.

As for children we have discussed this in depth. We are still unsure if we want children, he's unsure and I'm unsure, really unsure. I never envisaged having children, and the only reason to do so would be to not grow old alone. I have never had the urge to reproduce and am quite selfish in that I enjoy my life as it is. Plus the fact that I am unemployed now has only added to the doubts.

We do get on very well except when it comes to discussing money. I haven't been buying his clothes since I lost my job although I did spend €150 on a christmas present for him that I got nothing in return for. He got angry with me because his cousin asked me did I get anything nice for christmas from him (she wouldn't know how bad he is) and I told her the truth that I got nothing so I embarrassed him.

Sometimes I don't think he knows just how mean he is. He doesn't think he's mean because he spends a lot of money on himself and justifies it because it's "It's my money" He just has no comprehension of sharing.

Lots of us had nothing growing up, but we shared what we had. So I'm sure your partner did too. As we get older that sharing concept that our parents who had very little to stretch very far taught us, is used with our new family - our life partners.

He is aware that he is mean - the comment that you embarrassed him and he subsequently became angry about it demonstrates that. Some people are happy to have their finances totally separate - but that involves absolute fairness in splitting the costs. In your partners case, he is having his cake and eating yours.

Fair enough, you dont want kids - but there are other examples where we need to depend on our partners financially - long term illness for example, or maybe you might want to move in and support a parent from your side when they get older. I know that in a heartbeat I have that financial security there with my partner, and vice versa with him, and that is a reassurance that we are working together for us. Sharing the load.

Ok, so if dumping him is not an option, then your only way is to have your engagement, and let him deal with the embarrassment of not getting you a decent ring. Why should you shield him from that? Dont say you dont want a ring, because that gives him his out when people ask. Announce your engagement, then say that you are leaving the ring up to him. Then leave it up to him. He is wasting money monthly by not being able to use your tax credits to reduce his income tax because you are not married and co-habitees cant transfer them.

Similarly, stand up for yourself with regard to the bills and the rest. Work out the % usage for the electrictity he would use during the day, and factor it back into his share of the bill. Do this with all utilities. Anyone with a basics in accounting knows that if you work from home offset porportions of utilities from the end of year tax liability anyway, which he should be doing if he wants his money back. If he is employed, do the same and let him go into the accounts dept with an expenses bill and get it off them.

Ditto with the groceries - whats stopping you from saying "hold on mister, I paid my share for my shampoo and conditioner, you pay yours for your razor blades." Turn the tables and be exact to the penny too. Give him his exact change back even if its in coppers. So what if the ar$e is threadbare on his trousers. Let him walk around in them if he wants!

He lets you buy stuff because he knows that if he is stubborn enough, you will cave in. Then simply dont cave in.

I am a friend

My ex finacee ruined our engagement too... We had the ring made by a friend of a friend and despite him having plenty of money he suddenly decided a cut off amount he would spend and if I wanted the ring then I had to pay £500 towards it... Now, no matter what anyone says it was poor form as he had the money (I didnt) but I paid my portion anyway as I had already asked this person to make the ring and could not back out. Then we went away for the weekend, with the ring and he waited til the last minute to propose, which was so silly as we both knew why we were away and I loved the ring so much I was dying to wear it and he knew it.... It wasnt about finding somewhere special, it was about control...

There were other signs which brought it to a head and we lasted 6 months after that because, what I came to realise was that the contribution towards the ring was not about money it was about control and the same is happening here.. he is controlling you by his actions and lack thereof. Can you see that?

Neyite

I agree with IIAF - its probably about control.

Tell us OP, does he skip or evade his round when you are out with friends? or is he generous and stand his round/insist someone have a drink on him?

If its the former, then he is a tightwad in every area of his life and maybe its built in with him. If not, its a control thing specific to your relationship and speaks volumes about how highly he regards you compared to others.

Neyite

sunflower27 wrote: »

There are reasons why these tight-*rses are exes.

Mine bought me a designer tracksuit for my birthday (and I am not a tracksuit person). When he was utterly broke. Transpired he took my bank card, and my pin, and withdrew my money to buy it.

LegacyUser

I know you are all right, it's not normal behaviour. I suppose I've just become so used to it, I gave up caring. I've always been independent finacially and never depended on anybody to buy me something I couldn't buy myself. The engagement ring is the straw that broke the camels back. Plus the fact that he had a go at me for not saving when I'm on social welfare which really got to me. I've worked all my adult life until this year and I've bought my own house, I have no car loan on my car and a lovely home and social welfare payments don't stretch to savings.

Regarding the christmas and birthday presents, he never has anything for me on the day and we used to joke about it and he would say he would get me something, but it never transpires. Even this christmas, we were out on xmas eve and I knew he didn't get me anything so I said it to him. This is at 4.30 in the afternoon when pretty much all the shops are closed so he says "ok lets go and get you something" I asked him where he intended to go at 4.30 on Christmas eve to get me a present because most if not all shops were closed early and he said "well fine, I did offer".

daisybelle2008

unregistered wrote: »

Throughout the years I never made much of a fuss of not getting any presents because he always insinuated that when the time came he would get me something special.

I can't talk to my friends about this, we haven't told anybody we're getting engaged and they would be appalled at his meanness, they already give him stick over it and I don't want to give them ammunition to give him a hard time.

Seriously what? After 10 years of going out with someone that stingy you expect things to change based on a vague insinuation of something in the future. I am not sure if you are being a martyr or a doormat or a bit of both.

You seem to be frustrated with his behavour but want to protect him from criticism of it? Or are you embarassed of the standards you have set in the relationship? People treat you how you let them. If your standards have been to accept this for the last 10 years then it is hard to know what advise to give you. Have you been tolerating it expecting him to change into someone else?
Do you love the man he is(stingy warts and all) or do you love the man you think he could be (and is probably not capable of being)? If it is the latter, which it appears to be, you are doing you both a disservice.
Really you cannot change him, only your reaction to the situation.
At what point are you going to come to the realisation that you are going out with a stingy tight man and make the decision that either:
(A) This is not a dealbreaker, it is who he is or (B) It is a dealbreaker, I cannot accept who he is and move on.
Because your passive aggressive frustration with the situation seems to me to be a very unhappy compromise. The decision is yours to accept the behaviour or not. Needing or expecting him to change is really not a option that I would bank on if I was you.

LittleBook

OP, what are you going to do when he demands a pre-nup so you can't steal away any of his precious, precious money?

Idrive

I feel just sadness reading your post. I think you are almost used to this behaviour now, and thats maybe even worse then the behaviour itself.
I would use this opportunity to think long and hard about the kind of relationship you are in. Its not really about the money at the end of the day, but its about sharing, looking out for each other, and maybe helping out when the other partner is stuck for a few bob. I dont know how you have lasted this long.. Is this the man you think you deserve to spend your life with ? Maybe this ring situation will crystallize the problem with any future union with this man.

I am recently engaged myself, my partner is good with money too, and is usually very strict with most of " our " spending. But when it came to getting engaged ( the important symbol that it is ) he was very generous, and very kind to me.

Miss Fluff

unregistered wrote: »

I'm contemplating marriage to him because I love him. Apart from his meanness he's not a bad person.

Perhaps not but I wouldn't be using a statment "apart from his meanness". It's fundamental and wouldn't underestimate how serious this is. A couple has to agree on their financial affairs together and both be happy with the arrangement in place or it leads to corrosion and is ultimately very damaging.

I actually read your post open-mouthed. Meanness is a bugbear for me but I think your partner's problem goes beyond that. The fact he won't treat you on your birthday or Christmas shows an inherent lack of respect and appreciation for you and his refusal to play ball with the engagement ring is just an extension of that.

If you're contemplating getting married to someone you have to feel confident that you can work together AS A TEAM. What if you do have kids and what if you find yourself out of work or solely financially dependent on him if you were taken ill for example? Can you depend on him to be your rock in your time of need and to support you not just emotionally but also financially?

If he's behaving like such a Scrooge now and you're not even married I shudder to think what it will be like when you're actually legally bound to him and he no longer feels the need to impress you....:rolleyes:

And STOP making excuses for him. Plenty of people grew up with nothing and pay their way/support their partner.

Neyite

unregistered wrote: »

I know you are all right, it's not normal behaviour. I suppose I've just become so used to it, I gave up caring. I've always been independent finacially and never depended on anybody to buy me something I couldn't buy myself. The engagement ring is the straw that broke the camels back. Plus the fact that he had a go at me for not saving when I'm on social welfare which really got to me. I've worked all my adult life until this year and I've bought my own house, I have no car loan on my car and a lovely home and social welfare payments don't stretch to savings.

Regarding the christmas and birthday presents, he never has anything for me on the day and we used to joke about it and he would say he would get me something, but it never transpires. Even this christmas, we were out on xmas eve and I knew he didn't get me anything so I said it to him. This is at 4.30 in the afternoon when pretty much all the shops are closed so he says "ok lets go and get you something" I asked him where he intended to go at 4.30 on Christmas eve to get me a present because most if not all shops were closed early and he said "well fine, I did offer".

Social Welfare payments are not supposed to stretch to savings. and if they do, then our government needs to re-think it. Its a basic payment to keep you ticking over until you earn the big bucks again.

I know that you have gradually accepted more and more of this behaviour over the years, while still being generous to him, but when one partner is on the dole, you have to depend on the other, and the earner takes on more responsibility.

Christmas Eve as you describe it sounds calculated. He didnt offer. He deliberatly stalled until it was too late. What you should have done is taken his present back out from under the tree and return it to get yourself something nice. I would be beyond hurt to be manipulated like that.

Ask yourself, if this is him over your engagement, what kind of wedding will you have? A badly fitting second hand dress for you from Oxfam while he gets a nice bespoke suit and new shoes? The cost of a mid-priced engagement ring is nothing compared to the cost that can go into a wedding.

I'm sorry, I think you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt. Not getting gifts is one thing, but your engagement? your wedding? I am not for one minute saying that you need the big do - (personally I would be of the family-only+nice restaraunt camp,) but even I want a lovely day with my mother and sisters picking the dress of my dreams, and splurging just a tad on me for our special day, without being reduced to tears for wasting money.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Social Welfare payments are not supposed to stretch to savings. and if they do, then our government needs to re-think it. Its a basic payment to keep you ticking over until you earn the big bucks again.

I know that you have gradually accepted more and more of this behaviour over the years, while still being generous to him, but when one partner is on the dole, you have to depend on the other, and the earner takes on more responsibility.

Christmas Eve as you describe it sounds calculated. He didnt offer. He deliberatly stalled until it was too late. What you should have done is taken his present back out from under the tree and return it to get yourself something nice. I would be beyond hurt to be manipulated like that.

Ask yourself, if this is him over your engagement, what kind of wedding will you have? A badly fitting second hand dress for you from Oxfam while he gets a nice bespoke suit and new shoes? The cost of a mid-priced engagement ring is nothing compared to the cost that can go into a wedding.

I'm sorry, I think you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt. Not getting gifts is one thing, but your engagement? your wedding? I am not for one minute saying that you need the big do - (personally I would be of the family-only+nice restaraunt camp,) but even I want a lovely day with my mother and sisters picking the dress of my dreams, and splurging just a tad on me for our special day, without being reduced to tears for wasting money.

In fairness, I never wanted the "big wedding". I have stated for years that it would be 20 or so family, probably registry office. Again, a bit like not sure of wanting children, I'm not 100% conventional in that sense, I never got the bridezilla gene, I certainly won't wear a traditional bridal dress. But that doesn't mean I don't want the romance of the proposal..

He would wear his suit. I'd be lucky if he got himself a new shirt and tie.

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

I am a friend

unregistered wrote: »

I've bought my own house, I have no car loan on my car and a lovely home

Well done - thats very admirable...

unregistered wrote: »

social welfare payments don't stretch to savings.

Of course not. Is he living in your house? Does he pay towards that?

unregistered wrote: »

Even this christmas, we were out on xmas eve and I knew he didn't get me anything so I said it to him. This is at 4.30 in the afternoon when pretty much all the shops are closed so he says "ok lets go and get you something" I asked him where he intended to go at 4.30 on Christmas eve to get me a present because most if not all shops were closed early and he said "well fine, I did offer".

:eek:

OP read that back as if I was writing it and tell me what you would think? He is a pure pup op... I am raging on your behalf... You marry him and you are set up for a life of misery...

Oryx

unregistered wrote: »

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

This would make sense if he also refused gifts from you. He doesnt. He is blowing smoke here, yet more promises of a rosy future to excuse his meanness today, like the engagement ring.

unregistered

unregistered wrote: »

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

You keep saying "we" but there has been no "we" to date from him.
He will be retired and off travelling and you will have to fend for yourself.
For god's sake OP you said he promised you special presents in the future for christmas... then at christmas he acted like a right youknowwhat.
Why are you falling for this again? There is going to be no "we" from him and any of his money in your direction, not a bit of it.
You have been with him for over a decade, you say he won't share, he won't buy you anything, he will split in half etc. This is a load of BS and you must know it.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

And when you get to that oasis in the desert, you'll have spent your adult life with a man who's mean, a man who embarrasses you because of his meanness, a man who is manipulative when it comes to sharing. You in the meantime will be a shell of the person you used to be.

You're in the relationship too long to see things from a clearer perspective. You think very little of yourself to accept what this man is doing to you. You will have to change the way you think about yourself before you can ever move on. While you believe that what he is doing is acceptable, you will stay, no matter what anyone says to you.

Your family must be going mad at this stage!


By the way, when you finally reach your 'oasis', you'll find it's nothing but a mirage.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Well done - thats very admirable...



Of course not. Is he living in your house? Does he pay towards that?

No, It's my own house that I purchased independently of him. We live in a home that we jointly own. I had a fairly well paid job for a number of years and money wasn't an issue.



:eek:

OP read that back as if I was writing it and tell me what you would think? He is a pure pup op... I am raging on your behalf... You marry him and you are set up for a life of misery...[/QUOTE]

I think it's mean behaviour. I do. But the real thing that has upset me is the engagement ring. I have never depended on him for gifts or cash and have been quite proud of that. I see friends of mine who literally give up their independence when they marry and have children and that's not for me. The one thing he could do for me is this and I don't think he realises just how much it has upset me. It's hard to get through to him, he just doesn't get how I can be so upset over a ring, yet not want a big fuss for the wedding.

solarflare

unreginald wrote: »

unregistered wrote: »

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

And when you get to that oasis in the desert, you'll have spent your adult life with a man who's mean, a man who embarrasses you because of his meanness, a man who is manipulative when it comes to sharing. You in the meantime will be a shell of the person you used to be.

You're in the relationship too long to see things from a clearer perspective. You think very little of yourself to accept what this man is doing to you. You will have to change the way you think about yourself before you can ever move on. While you believe that what he is doing is acceptable, you will stay, no matter what anyone says to you.

Your family must be going mad at this stage!


By the way, when you finally reach your 'oasis', you'll find it's nothing but a mirage.

For youre own sake dont commit to a long term relation ship with this man this is not a relationship its more of a buisness arrangement you can find someone who cares for you not their wallet by the way im male and married 20 years and cannot relate to this mans attitude to you or his over emphasis on whats his when if he was serious about you it would be considered yeres

LegacyUser

OP you don't need to spend money to make a fuss of someone on their birthday or at xmas. You say one year he didn't even say happy birthday.....that would have cost him nothing so why didn't he do it? He's not tight, he's mean and controlling.

Does he make any nice gestures towards you? Carries the shopping? you say you've arthritis does he make an extra effort to help you with that? Does he hold doors open, pull out your chair? Breakfast in bed? Look after you when your sick? Anything to show he gives a damn?

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

So much good advice on here, but I wonder OP if you are prepared to let it sink in.

I know now that I wasn't over reacting.

There have been a lot of threads that I have read over the years on here about stingy partners (of both sexes) and this one is one of the worst.

I know he's bad, but he's always been like this. He didn't change his behaviour when we started going out. His mother jokes that he still has his communion money.

So he is going to scrimp and save so he can retire at 50?

My grandfather grew up very poor and then scrimped and saved all his life. He never took my dear nana anywhere - even taxis were an issue. (I remember her once telling my mum if she had married her previous 'suitor' she'd have never had to walk anywhere as he went on to own a huge taxi firm.... Aaannnyway, my grandfather scrimped and saved his whole life. I remember he even once gave out to me because my mum gave me a few dollars to spend on myself at a county fair and I bought ET earrings (OK, yes, in hindsight they were vile, but as a 10-year-old they were the business )

He ended up getting Alzheimer's in his 60s. He never got to enjoy a penny of his savings. Died with a bulging bank account but what good was it to him then?

I am all for saving for a raing day, but when someone can't even bring themselves to treat a partner that no doubt cooks, cleans and looks after them... the writing for a miserable future is clearly etched on the wall.

I certainly don't do all the cleaning and looking after the house, he does pull his weight in that respect. He does some cleaning, and does everything in the garden. I do the lions share of cooking, but I am a fairly good cook, and he is fairly useless with the cooker. (He has tried!) He always cleans up after me when I cook, which is nice as I tend to use every saucepan and utensil.

He does other little things like servicing my car, helps with any maintenence in my rental house, helps in my families houses. As I have said, he's not all bad!

Daisy M

Op I feel really sorry for you I am not been condesending I really do.

Your boyfriend isnt treating you with respect let alone love and you are settleing for this because you know no better. Your falling for the pathetic excuses like having grown up with nothing, a lot of people were in the same situation I was but it hasnt made me mean. He tells you its for your future but he is happy to spend wads of money on himself. I would hazzard an educated guess and bet when the time comes to retire in your 50s to enjoy life it will be just him doing so. Most of us would do without even if it meant scrimping and saving to get a gift for someone we love.

LittleBook

unregistered wrote: »

The one thing he could do for me is this and I don't think he realises just how much it has upset me. It's hard to get through to him, he just doesn't get how I can be so upset over a ring, yet not want a big fuss for the wedding.

Why do you think he doesn't "get" it?

You know the man perfectly well and you know how he is. You know he is the type to suggest buying you a present @ 4.30 on Christmas Eve and when you point out how ridiculous this is, he feels he's offered so that's good enough. You know he'll do anything to keep his money all to himself, spend it on himself on extravagant things. You know he doesn't share with you. You know he's happy to take your gifts and forces you to contribute more than is fair to the household. You can't even talk to your friends about this because you know it's wrong and you know how embarrassing it is. But "he's not all bad", you love him, you want to marry him. Fair enough.

But why on earth did you think he would (finally) spend money on an engagement ring ... something that is of no use to him whatsoever? You've accepted his meanness for years now and are prepared to accept it for years more.

This is perfectly normal behaviour (for him) and you're not playing ball. THAT'S why he doesn't get it.

By the way, the people I know who were poorest growing up are actually the most generous people I know.

Lon Dubh

unregistered wrote: »

We do get on very well except when it comes to discussing money. I haven't been buying his clothes since I lost my job although I did spend €150 on a christmas present for him that I got nothing in return for. He got angry with me because his cousin asked me did I get anything nice for christmas from him (she wouldn't know how bad he is) and I told her the truth that I got nothing so I embarrassed him.

Sometimes I don't think he knows just how mean he is. He doesn't think he's mean because he spends a lot of money on himself and justifies it because it's "It's my money" He just has no comprehension of sharing.

He embarrased himself by his selfish meanness. He spends big money on himself when it suits him (he has a boat?), but doesn't even spend what would be considered a pretty "normal" amount on you. If money is important to him, and he spends generously on himself and not you, I think he is indicating that you are a low priority for him.

If he has no comprehension of sharing then I think he is not fit to marry/live with. Marriage should be about sharing and a joint commitment. Marriage is not just a romatic thing, but an economic and practical arrangement. You could love someone but not be able to live with them. I think his meaness will drive you crazy in a few years. If this ends in divorce he will hire an expensive lawyer and get as much as he can and give as little as he can in any settlement.

Killed By Death

unregistered wrote: »

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

That's all castles in the air and pie in the sky love.

His plans and promises are not worth the paper they're written on, exactly like the ring scenario, when it comes to the crunch he will not follow through and his old habits will continue.

He's not going to spend money on a home and lifestyle abroad for the two of you. He's got a problem. He views money for presents for you as a waste. Do you honestly think he's going to see you right for your early retirement?

If you want to know what people will do in the future, look at what they do in the present. It doesn't matter what he says he's going to do. That's just talk to keep you strung along.

You're settling for so little. You say you don't want certain things, the bridezilla wedding, the kids. That's absolutely fine, but if you did want them it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't 'let you' have them anyway.

He is offering you exactly nothing. You say you love him but his meanness (I don't just mean financial but emotional as well) will grind you down over the years.

He is happy to take the presents and care you give him but he gives you nothing in return. You don't mean anything much to him i'm afraid OP. That's the harsh truth.

I strongly advise you to rethink marrying this guy. He is badly flawed and stingyness is one of the big red flags you should never ignore when looking for a mate.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Very few people are ALL bad. It's whether you are prepared to put up with the bad points for the rest of your life that is the issue.

The resentment is only going to grow as you said yourself he won't change. Are you happy to resign yourself to what you have for the rest of your days. If so, by all means marry the guy. But the fact you are on here says you are not sure and that is no way to enter into a marriage.

I don't know. I spent a sleepless night last night thinking about this.

Do I threaten to leave?
Do I break up the relationship?
Do I move out for a while and let him stew on his own?

There's also the financial implication to think of. I have my own house, I can give the tenant notice and hopefully get mortgage supplement to help pay the mortgage until I find employment. But I have invested in our joint property. There's probably no chance of selling in the current climate, we have over €600k invested in it (mortgage and renovations) and it's most likely unsellable right now, regardless of the negative equity. Whatever about paying my own mortgage when I am unemployed, paying a second for a house I no longer live in is beyond my means.

I need to sit him down and tell him how upset this has me. He doesn't think that the lack of gifts is anything that bad. He always says that he will get me something but I never push it. I need to be more assertive but to me it feels greedy. I don't need gifts. I need him to be thoughtful about getting me a gift, be it a bunch of flowers, or jewellery, whatever. I shouldn't have to push him.

I shouldn't have to compromise on my engagement ring either.

ManOfMystery

unregistered wrote: »

In fairness, I never wanted the "big wedding". I have stated for years that it would be 20 or so family, probably registry office. Again, a bit like not sure of wanting children, I'm not 100% conventional in that sense, I never got the bridezilla gene, I certainly won't wear a traditional bridal dress. But that doesn't mean I don't want the romance of the proposal..

He would wear his suit. I'd be lucky if he got himself a new shirt and tie.

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

OP, this man is inherently selfish. It's not about money really - it's about him refusing to share.

This 'dream retirement' he's promising you? I can guarantee it will not be what you envisage. When the time comes and reality hits that he's actually going to have to fork out some money for a home somewhere, he'll probably pull the same stunt he's currently doing with your engagement ring and you'll end up somewhere less desirable than what you actually wanted.

Birthdays, Christmas, etc don't have to cost money.

I was a little skint over my gf's birthday a few years back, but I still made an effort even if I couldn't afford a big present for her. I made her breakfast in bed, took her out for the day just going different places, came back home and handed her a 3-course 'menu' which I'd printed and then proceeded to make the meal - after I'd run her a bath with wine and candles so she could relax while I cooked. Did it cost me much? No. Did it take a little effort? Yes. Did it mean a lot to her? Yes. Is there any valid reason your other half couldn't do something similar? NO.

You need to accept your other half is like this for life. It's his nature. There will be no oasis in the desert, and no bright light at the end of the tunnel. He may make more money in future, he may even spend a little more, but I've read stories like this a million times and people like this do not change. If you're prepared to continue putting up with it, then you need to accept this is how it's going to be for the rest of your life and get these false hopes out of your head. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I genuinely wish the best for you and just want you to see sense.

It is demoralising, miserable and completely infuriating being with someone who refuses to share anything and is so tight-fisted. Not to mention someone who is equally good at leeching off you when it suits them. People can be sensible with money yet still lead very fulfilling lives without going to the extreme this man is at, where he literally won't spend a penny. You've both been together a long time now, it's time for this man to step up to the mark and wise up.

curlzy

Jesus Christ OP, your post has to be the most depressing I've read in a long long time. You're obviously not thick, otherwise you wouldn't have had the money to buy your house alone, so why are you being so bloody stupid when it comes to this guy? Does he have a golden c*ck or something? Seriously OP, get to a councellor, the fact you even thought that this was in someway normal speaks volumes about what he's already done to your self-esteem.

Not trying to go all tough love on you but your posts really do make you sound needy and pathetic, I'm sure you're not but you certainly sound that way. If you don't want children why would you even want to get married to this guy? What's in it for you OP? A world of romance? Being made to feel special? Having a partner that will do everything he can to make you feel loved and valued? Someone that you can rely on? Eh I think you know the answer to those questions.

Stop blinding yourself to the obvious OP, why haven't you dumped him? Is it because you're afraid of being alone? If so, a councellor can help with that also. Seriously OP, break up with him and get to a councellor. (edit: just read your latest update and negative equity is a ****ty reason stay with somene)

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Stop blinding yourself to the obvious OP, why haven't you dumped him? Is it because you're afraid of being alone? If so, a councellor can help with that also. Seriously OP, break up with him and get to a councellor.

Best of luck.

I am afraid of being alone. I'm mid thirties, I'm shelf material!

Besides, when you spend that long with somebody, they are your partner, your best friend, your confidant. I do love him, I don't want to give up on what we do have to get more "stuff" from him. Yes he is mean, but he is not all bad.

We have been through a lot together, he doesn't do the romantic gift giving things but he does other things that shows he cares, we have a good life together, we are involved in sports together and we are a good couple in every other way.

Killed By Death

unregistered wrote: »

But I have invested in our joint property. There's probably no chance of selling in the current climate, we have over €600k invested in it (mortgage and renovations) and it's most likely unsellable right now, regardless of the negative equity. Whatever about paying my own mortgage when I am unemployed, paying a second for a house I no longer live in is beyond my means.

Ok, then this is what you need to work on and figure out. Is this what is really stopping you ending it? Because you can probably find a solution to this. Surely other non-married couples in negative equity with joint property split up all the time. A solicitor or financial advisor could probably advise you well here.

If you are going forward with this marriage just because you are entangled financially with this man then that's crazy. The mess will just get worse and more complicated and if you two marry he will become entitled to half of everything you have. So you'll be in deeper.

Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Think carefully before you proceed. It's very hard and expensive to undo financial entanglements once you marry. And I'm sorry but this man is a bad prospect.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Ok, so if dumping him is not an option, then your only way is to have your engagement, and let him deal with the embarrassment of not getting you a decent ring. Why should you shield him from that? Dont say you dont want a ring, because that gives him his out when people ask. Announce your engagement, then say that you are leaving the ring up to him. Then leave it up to him. He is wasting money monthly by not being able to use your tax credits to reduce his income tax because you are not married and co-habitees cant transfer them.

Similarly, stand up for yourself with regard to the bills and the rest. Work out the % usage for the electrictity he would use during the day, and factor it back into his share of the bill. Do this with all utilities. Anyone with a basics in accounting knows that if you work from home offset porportions of utilities from the end of year tax liability anyway, which he should be doing if he wants his money back. If he is employed, do the same and let him go into the accounts dept with an expenses bill and get it off them.

Ditto with the groceries - whats stopping you from saying "hold on mister, I paid my share for my shampoo and conditioner, you pay yours for your razor blades." Turn the tables and be exact to the penny too. Give him his exact change back even if its in coppers. So what if the ar$e is threadbare on his trousers. Let him walk around in them if he wants!

It seems that the scales are beginning to fall from your eyes at last OP! I think you should do what Neyite has suggested, i.e. give him a taste of his own medicine. Because if you have any doubts about breaking it off with him, his reaction* to you treating him the way he treats you should give you the push you need. (*reaction being 'not happy' going by what you've said about him being more than accommodating in accepting gifts from you even though he gets you nothing)

As for the house you share with him, is there any way of selling the house you already own and paying off your half of the mortgage you hold with him? Any family who could help you out?

TonyStark

If you want to marry him to be financially secure and treated like **** then this is defo the guy for you. I say that quite genuinely.

What myself and the other half do is pay for the shop ever other week. Some weeks it's dearer than others. Other weeks it's cheaper it's the way it goes. I do use the shampoo sometimes... :-) we've never had a falling out over it. Think about it. I doubt she uses my shower gel but I've no problem in buying her anything she needs. If she picks up a magazine while during the shop I'll throw it under a bag of spuds when we get to the til.... Just to avoid the 'argument' about her paying me back.

When i got engaged the most important thing for me was her to be happy with the ring and to be happy to wear it. We agreed that it would come from our joint savings it was a bit of a stretch alright but I'm glad she is happy with it. I guess the question that you have to ask yourself are you happy...

Quite possibly you already know that you've made a mistake with this guy. No one here will read your first post and see anything positive about ur 'fiancé'. The obvious take from that initial post is that your fed up and at your wits end.

Objectively no excuse for 'forgetting' your birthday. Your partner sounds like a horrible selfish little mammys boy that wants a new mammy to pander to him.

tinkerbell

OP, what are you doing considering getting married to that miserable git? WHY in god's name would you want to be with someone who goes through your grocery receipt and deducts the money for the cost of your shampoo and conditioner?! Seriously - I am like WTF at your posts. He is one hell of a miserable git. He gives you nothing. He doesn't even wish you happy birthday. He doesn't want to spend one bit of money on you whatsoever. He doesn't make you feel special, he makes you feel like a worthless piece of junk coz he makes no effort at all! The engagement ring issue is just another thing to add onto the list, except finally it has made you wake up and smell the coffee beans. You should never have left it get this far.

How can you be in a relationship with someone like that who manages money like that? You are planning on getting MARRIED, that means that you help each other out. Jees, I would never dream of telling my fiancé that he can buy his own Head & Shoulders shampoo because it's not coming out of "our" shopping budget.

He sounds awful OP, how you say you can actually love him is baffling because seriously - what are his redeeming features? He makes Scrooge look generous.

If you do have children together, how are ye gonna "divide" the payments up for them?! And like others said, if you take unpaid maternity leave or whatever? He would not let you buy anything.

And on the retirement plans - he may have plans for HIS retirement, but I'll bet he'll be happy out to let YOU keep working until you're 70 until you have enough money of your own to keep up with the lifestyle he will get accustomed to when he has retired in his 50s.

You say you're mid-30s and so don't want to be single again, but jees how would you rather give the next 50/60 years of your life to this miserable man who will suck all the life out of you? Or would you rather try to find someone who will at least treat you with the respect you deserve?

It's not even about the money, it's about the effort. To say he doesn't even wish you happy birthday just speaks volumes.

Oryx

There are worse things than being single, its far preferable to being trapped in a bad marriage. Earlier on you listed out this man's good points. Why did you do that? Because if those good points truly made up for the bad you wouldn't be posting here at all. The reason you have had such a strong reaction is because as casual observers we can clearly see the catastrophic situation you are walking into and the truth you are trying not to see, or to justify. The real truth is when you love another person you do not treat them this way and say such spiteful things. If you don't want to leave him then you MUST force his hand and refuse to take this financial bullying any more.

K_P

unregistered wrote: »

I do love him, I don't want to give up on what we do have to get more "stuff" from him.

This sentence is worrying. Everyone responding to you can see and is telling you that this is about much more than an engagement ring. This isn't about "stuff", and referring to it as that is dismissing your own very legitimate worries. It's like you're trying to rationalise staying with him using his logic, by painting yourself as some awful materialistic money-grabbing bridezilla. You're clearly not that.

You're obviously not looking for stuff, you're looking for a meaningful acknowledgement as to how much your boyfriend (I was going to write partner, but he's very far from that) values you. And to put it bluntly, he doesn't.

His bull**** reason of being able to retire by 50 might be plausible if he wasn't so generous to himself - car, boat, expensive bike.

He's a miser, in financial and emotional terms. He won't get better, he's getting worse. He will continue to get worse. Get out now while you still can. This idea of being "shelf material" is nonsense.

LegacyUser

Op,
I am so sad to read your posts. honestly! thinking someone is in this situation is just horrible.

and then reading everyones responses, will you get out of your situation.

everything you say about him annoys me.
I'd rather be single and happy than be in relationship like yours, I wish you could see it from our point of view.
and i hope you find a way to leave this man.. your joint home, there'll be solution to that, and it'll serve him right for treating you the way he does.

Hope you see your way out of this Op .

username123

This is such a sad thread.

Please dont marry this man. Whatever about the reasons(control etc) why he does these things (the going through the receipt sounds like the behaviour of a mentally ill person tbh), the truth is that you are frustrated by this behaviour today, in your mid-30s. You have suffered 7 years of actually living with this kind of behaviour already. Please look ahead. How are you going to feel in 30 years time, after this appalling behaviour has had 3 more decades to wear you down, frustrate you and upset you? I can absolutely guarantee you that his retirement plans are pie in the sky - will he be splitting receipts and making you pay for your own shampoo then also?

Its awful, just awful. Its abuse. Mental abuse. I really do not know how you could be with someone who treats you so badly - and that you know its wrong, but you have stayed anyway, your self esteem must be in tatters at this stage - practically everything you have described is his behaviour screaming 'YOURE NOT WORTH IT'.

Just imagine for a minute if you left him, do you honestly think that any nice girl with intact self esteem would put up with that kind of behaviour? It baffles me how it even got so extreme as to be going through a receipt and deducting your shampoo (or other items) from his share!!!

I once worked with a very very odd scary individual who was more than likely an undiagnosed very mentally ill person. There were a huge number of stingy incidents but the thing that always stuck with me was this. He had lived (unmarried) with his partner for 15 years. They didnt have a joint bank account and everything was split 50/50. He told me that he had kept every receipt of every item bought for the 'household' for the past 15 years, so that if they ever broke up that he would be sure to get 'his half' in value of their joint belongings. I often had visions of his solicitor trying to put a value on a 15 year old couch so he could claim his half in the event of a breakup. Just truly weird and stingy behaviour.

LegacyUser

Killed By Death wrote: »

Ok, then this is what you need to work on and figure out. Is this what is really stopping you ending it? Because you can probably find a solution to this. Surely other non-married couples in negative equity with joint property split up all the time. A solicitor or financial advisor could probably advise you well here.

No it's not the reason stopping me. I don't want to end it, but it's a major consideration if it comes to it.

If you are going forward with this marriage just because you are entangled financially with this man then that's crazy. The mess will just get worse and more complicated and if you two marry he will become entitled to half of everything you have. So you'll be in deeper.

If that's the case I would stand to be the major financial benefactor from him, he has a good few assets.

Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Think carefully before you proceed. It's very hard and expensive to undo financial entanglements once you marry. And I'm sorry but this man is a bad prospect.

LovelyLottie

I agree that this is a very sad thread.

I think OP that the first thing you need to do, is to start being honest with yourself. You've been making excuses for this person, because you don't want to be alone. Being alone is scary, but a lot less head-wrecking than living with someone who treats you badly.

If i were you i would speak to a close friend or family member and tell them everything you've been putting up with. You must do this. You know that you haven't been telling them everything up to now, because you know what their reaction will be, and you don't want to hear it. But talking to someone whom you respect and trust will help you to see that what you've been putting up with is not right.

You've received some fantastic, constructive advice here. But we're strangers. You need to confide in your best friend or sister or someone you trust. Tell them your hurt and let them help you come to the decision that's best for you.

You deserve to be treated with respect and love. By staying with this man, you are continuing to allow yourself to be treated badly. Good luck.

Defiler Of The Coffin

unregistered wrote: »

I don't know. I spent a sleepless night last night thinking about this.

Do I threaten to leave?
Do I break up the relationship?
Do I move out for a while and let him stew on his own?

There's also the financial implication to think of. I have my own house, I can give the tenant notice and hopefully get mortgage supplement to help pay the mortgage until I find employment. But I have invested in our joint property. There's probably no chance of selling in the current climate, we have over €600k invested in it (mortgage and renovations) and it's most likely unsellable right now, regardless of the negative equity. Whatever about paying my own mortgage when I am unemployed, paying a second for a house I no longer live in is beyond my means.

I need to sit him down and tell him how upset this has me. He doesn't think that the lack of gifts is anything that bad. He always says that he will get me something but I never push it. I need to be more assertive but to me it feels greedy. I don't need gifts. I need him to be thoughtful about getting me a gift, be it a bunch of flowers, or jewellery, whatever. I shouldn't have to push him.

I shouldn't have to compromise on my engagement ring either.

This post actually made me upset. It reminds me of a relative of mine who has stayed in an abusive marriage for the past 20 years. Their reason for not leaving (among others) is that the financial implications would be too significant. In doing this they have condemned themselves to a lifetime of sadness and despair. The longer it has gone on the worse it has got.

I am not saying that this is how you will end up but from what you have posted so far the signs don't look good. Financial considerations are not a good reason to go ahead with a marriage. Sure it might cost you money to exit the relationship now, but that is a small price to pay for your mental and physical well-being. Remember we cannot take our wealth with us when we depart from this world (although it sounds like your partner would try his damnedest). Even if you did go ahead with the marriage and decided you wanted out a divorce would be far messier than leaving him now.

Only you can decide for sure if you want to go ahead with this, but please move forward with your eyes open. Don't end up in a prison of your own making. You deserve to be loved and cherished and not to be made felt like a financial inconvenience. Best of luck.

MissFlitworth

OP have you guys spoken about what's going to happen if you're still unemployed when your entitlement to Job Seekers Benefit runs out? Does he know that after 12 months you move to Job Seekers Allowance and that his income will be taken into account when deciding how much you receive, the State will expect him to support you financially. You could end up with €30 a week, will he help you to supplement your income till you're back on your feet?

Big Bag of Chips

Does he want to get married? If he's giving out about the price of a modest ring that you both previously agreed on, how is paying for the wedding going to work out? Is he going to want to seriously scale back on guests to save costs? Family & a nice restaurant could turn into families splitting the bill in a nice restaurant, while he goes through the bill separating everything. Does he realise most of the wedding "promises" made during the sermony are to love, honour, respect and SHARE?

Do you know you can swap silver coins "as a token of all I possess"?

Is he going to ask for the wedding service to be edited to cut out all mention of respecting each other and sharing your lives?

You are not going to change him. Threatening to leave, or end the relationship, or leaving for a while could back fire on you. He mightn't be THAT bothered.

If you gave him an ultimatum, could you be sure he'd choose the path you want him to?

Again I will say, you are not going to change him, at least not by yourself anyway. It's inbuilt in him. So the question you need to ask is, can you put up with this "one flaw" for the rest of your life, or is it too much for you to overcome.

You're hardly a money grabber, by the way!

Edit: I just managed to read through all the replies and something Neyite said struck me... you can GUARANTEE, that he is claiming the household bills on his tax. Is be very surprised if he didn't know he's entitled to! Along with milk, bread, butter, teabags etc... anything that he can say is used during office hours.

So he's actually making money off you. You pay 50% of bills and he claims a sizeable chunk of the total back!!

thefeatheredcat

good lord.... there's virtually nothing that I can disagree with here.

On your partner, he sounds to me like one of these people that doesn't believe in the commercial aspect of birthdays and Christmas, will not indulge in it, put up decorations, lights, candles on cakes, all the stuff people are used to and especially not buy gifts. But will always, always, always, if someone decides to hell with that outlook and gives a present to them, they will always happily receive it without thanks but then to continue bashing the commercialism and expectation of birthdays and such occasions anyway.

OP this is beyond him growing up in poverty or with nothing and hoarding cash for a rainy day... like being offered 1 biscuit and sneaking 3 on the quiet, just in case you are left go hungry later. This is way beyond it.

He works from home. How involved are you in his business? How well is his business doing? Why do I get the feeling that he is deflecting his earnings and tightness of money with turning on you and putting you down about what you receive on social welfare to throw you off the fact the business is possibly not going as well as he pretends or lets on?

Something is amiss.... if he was a hedgefund manager or an economist or an accountant or a stockbroker I'd understand the possible actuality of his retirement plan at 50 for himself but for anyone else I would have serious serious doubts of that being a reality without meticulous research about how the stock market works and 24/7 coverage on cnbc and glued to apps they have.

Unless he's professionally qualified and has qualifications and exceptional knowledge of stock trading, the stock market is a place to stay away from unless you know your stuff the same for any type of investing even hedgefund managers lose millions by just selling at the wrong time. I don't know something what you mentioned has raised a red flag in the mind with me, sounds like a gambler desperate for a win but always always ends up betting high and losing it all.

In any case OP, the control over money that even shaming him into not sharing money and embarrassing him for not getting gifts and his general treatment to you, I urge you to take on board the fantastic advice here already given.

he is going to be like this for life. Kids, babies, grandkids, illness, whatever life throws at you he is always going to be like this. Should you have kids, I can imagine if he isn't going to buy you a gift, there's no way he is going to buy a child a gift, and you will always feel pushed by guilt to overcompensate for this to your child by buying something crazy expensive as a result, to show some affection, and you know what, while you will end up stumping up all the cash, getting the gift, he will take the credit for it.

If ever there was a sliding doors moment that you need to have it is now in life. You're young, only 33 and i'm only a few years behind you and you are not expired goods sitting on a shelf!

Edit: Just a thought...while he grew up with nothing, he is quite capable of being able to provide financially. He doesn't have an interest in spending his money even on clothes for himself, so he doesn't, knowing you will spend the money on him instead, and he will accept whatever charity you give him. He takes no responsibility in clothing himself and paying for the cost and will argue over what is his share of the bill of groceries. In other words, he will not spend money on practical necessities but will rely on your charity to do so, so long as if it isn't a gift, he will only ever pay for anything he uses that he wouldn't see as being "communal". However, he will quite happily spend plenty of money on high cost luxury items (boats and stuff cost in the region of thousands, especially during the boom) he is a fanatic of seeing to be having money. So either he is smoke and mirrors and all the toys that scream status and money were bought with borrowed money or he has an underlying issue with himself to overcompensate for material belongings that = wealthy and status for not having anything growing up which results in his behaviour that he himself has yet to really take account of or realise how it effects others and will probably see you in debt for years to come. should business go bad, I guarantee he will sell your teeth before he will sell his toys.