Am I over reacting?

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 02:12PM #1

Going unregistered for this.

My partner and I have been together over a decade, and during this time he has always been frugal with money, to the point that it's a joke between family and friends. He doesn't buy me christmas or birthday gifts, in 11 birthdays, I've got 3 gifts, only when he's reminded and pushed into it, I'm lucky if I get a card. 2 years ago he forgot to even say happy birthday, even when he was reminded the day before. I've got one christmas gift, that he had to buy as he got me in his familys kris kindle, so he bought me a cheap dvd. He has only ever bought me two bouquets of flowers, both in the first year or so of us going out, one for valentines, the other for my birthday because his sister made him, nothing since.

I always buy him birthday and christmas presents and make a big fuss over him which he enjoys. I always buy his clothes, otherwise he would be threadbare! He gets annoyed at the price of clothes and resents buying them, yet accepts them when I do it.

He's very funny about "sharing". We've lived together for 7 years and he refuses to open a joint bank account. Bills are split to the penny even though he works from home so uses more utilities than I do. I buy the groceries and he reimburses me, which is hell. He goes through every receipt and if there's anything on it that's moreso mine, eg shampoo and conditioner, he deducts it from his share. He eats far more food in the house than I do as he works from home so he has all meals and numerous cups of tea and snacks all day but this isn't taken into account. There's certain things I buy every week in the supermarket that are specifically for him, but I pay my share of these.

Now, we've come to the point where we're getting engaged. Throughout the years I never made much of a fuss of not getting any presents because he always insinuated that when the time came he would get me something special. But now he's saying that the ring I wanted (and we both decided suited me) is too much. What has me so upset is that it's not like it's a €20k rock, it's quite small and insignificant compared to most. It's way smaller than any of my friends and family members and apart from that it was the one we both decided on. And now he's reneged on that. I feel that even if I chose the smallest ring in the shop it would be too much.

We've been arguing for days about it, I just feel so upset, and I think I'm over reacting but part of me says I'm not, I deserve it. He's now saying "why would I want to get married to somebody like you, you can't even save any money". As it happens I lost my job, and while I have a small amount of savings, I haven't been able to add a penny to it while on social welfare and this is what he's getting at. His life revolves around money, making more money and spending it on himself. He's not poor, he has his own business, plenty of working capital and still doing ok for now and has accumulated a good bit in savings as well. He has a collection of "boys toys" (cars, a boat, and a mountain bike which cost more than the ring we had decided on)

I can't talk to my friends about this, we haven't told anybody we're getting engaged and they would be appalled at his meanness, they already give him stick over it and I don't want to give them ammunition to give him a hard time. I'm just so upset that what should be a really special time is turning out terribly.

Neyite · 10-01-2012 02:25PM

Um... why are you contemplating marriage with this man?

What happens if you decide to have children and you are only entitled to about 270 (dont know the exact amount) per week for only 26 weeks? what about the unpaid leave after that? Who pays for your food and your bills then? Are you responsible for feeding baby out of your share after that since you gave birth to him/her?

He sounds like a nightmare to live with - tightfisted and greedy with it. happy to leech off you for things but god forbid you try. No wonder you are broke and he has all his boy-toys.

I know its not what you want to hear, sorry.

Daisy M · 10-01-2012 02:29PM

Sorry but I am going to be blunt. A life with this man would be a nightmare. Imagine if you have children and he continues to be like this. Say you have to give up work you will be completely reliant on a mean miserable miser. He is not been careful he is been mean. Its not about how much he spends on you but about the fact he chooses not to and when his hand is forced he takes the cheapest least thoughtful gift he can find to give you. He loves his money more than you and you deserve much much better. The worst thing is he spends the money when it suits himself but only on himself, thats not the actions of a loving caring future husband he sounds horrible.

10-01-2012 02:40PM

OP

2 years ago he forgot to even say happy birthday

this is not frugal with money, this is "i dont give a damn about you"

I always buy his clothes, otherwise he would be threadbare! He gets annoyed at the price of clothes and resents buying them, yet accepts them when I do it.

this is "i have a mammy to buy me clothes". do you want to be his mother?

But now he's saying that the ring I wanted (and we both decided suited me) is too much. ...it was the one we both decided on. And now he's reneged on that.

this is not frugal with money, this is "i don't give a damn" plus "i can't be bothered keeping my word to you"

Why in god's name do you want to marry someone who doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you, treats you like his mother, etc? How can you possibly be happy like this?

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 02:52PM

''''He eats far more food in the house than I do as he works from home so he has all meals and numerous cups of tea and snacks all day but this isn't taken into account.''''

Are you the sort of person to notice things like this? Because this make you sound stingy.*

Give it a marriage, kids and another ten years and you'll be the type of person who won't want to part with a penny because it'll have turned into a 'tit for tat' type of war where you will want to show your husband exactly how he appears by doing the same things he does!

*not having a go at you, just want you to realise the awful effect a bad relationship can have on your personality

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 02:59PM

I'm contemplating marriage to him because I love him. Apart from his meanness he's not a bad person. He had nothing growing up so money is very important to him now.

As for children we have discussed this in depth. We are still unsure if we want children, he's unsure and I'm unsure, really unsure. I never envisaged having children, and the only reason to do so would be to not grow old alone. I have never had the urge to reproduce and am quite selfish in that I enjoy my life as it is. Plus the fact that I am unemployed now has only added to the doubts.

We do get on very well except when it comes to discussing money. I haven't been buying his clothes since I lost my job although I did spend €150 on a christmas present for him that I got nothing in return for. He got angry with me because his cousin asked me did I get anything nice for christmas from him (she wouldn't know how bad he is) and I told her the truth that I got nothing so I embarrassed him.

Sometimes I don't think he knows just how mean he is. He doesn't think he's mean because he spends a lot of money on himself and justifies it because it's "It's my money" He just has no comprehension of sharing.

Oryx · 10-01-2012 03:04PM

You know the way he behaves isnt on, you can tell us all about it. And youre 100% right here, he is behaving impossibly badly. He is getting away with treating you badly in the name of 'good money sense'. We can see its a lie and so can you.

So the big question is, can you tell him you see through it? And can you take the consequences of no longer accepting his ways? (because you cant).

In addition, please dont accept assurances he will change 'when were engaged/married/have kids'. He won't do it for you now, its doubtful he will do it then.

10-01-2012 03:35PM

having no money growing up is no excuse for being that mean, and for "forgetting" to say happy birthday to someone you're supposed to love
it's also no excuse for reneging on your word just because you feel like it even though it's supposed to be something so important

you can stop making excuses for him, OP, because that one isn't cutting it, and is nearly an insult to anyone else growing up with nothing who is generous

who cares if he got angry? he should be angry with himself, not you
i mean that's even worse than all the meanness

for me, all this carry on and childishness would be a deal breaker of the highest order

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 03:35PM

Oryx wrote: »

You know the way he behaves isnt on, you can tell us all about it. And youre 100% right here, he is behaving impossibly badly. He is getting away with treating you badly in the name of 'good money sense'. We can see its a lie and so can you.

So the big question is, can you tell him you see through it? And can you take the consequences of no longer accepting his ways? (because you cant).

In addition, please dont accept assurances he will change 'when were engaged/married/have kids'. He won't do it for you now, its doubtful he will do it then.

We have argued about it in the past, but he's not going to change, I know that. I just got so upset that the one thing he said he would do, he's now backtracking on.

I'm far from perfect to live with, I give as good as I get, when he goes through receipts and says "I'm not paying for xyz" I tell him that I pay for half of the foodstuffs he eats. I have a bad temper and will call him on his meanness but it doesn't change him. It has become more apparant since I lost my job, because I've tailored my spending, so him reimbursing me for groceries is far more important to me than it used to be. Beforehand I used to let it slide but now I don't have that luxury.

Beruthiel · 10-01-2012 03:37PM

unregistered wrote: »

My partner and I have been together over a decade, and during this time he has always been frugal with money, to the point that it's a joke between family and friends. He doesn't buy me christmas or birthday gifts, in 11 birthdays, I've got 3 gifts, only when he's reminded and pushed into it, I'm lucky if I get a card. 2 years ago he forgot to even say happy birthday, even when he was reminded the day before. I've got one christmas gift, that he had to buy as he got me in his familys kris kindle, so he bought me a cheap dvd. He has only ever bought me two bouquets of flowers, both in the first year or so of us going out, one for valentines, the other for my birthday because his sister made him, nothing since.

Sorry OP, but that's just not normal.
I know that when someone cares about you, they shouldn't have to constantly prove it by buying loads of gifts, but Christmas and birthday!? Damn right they do something for those ocassions and it does not have to be expensive.
Flowers, a dvd, cook a romantic dinner, something small to show they remembered your birthday and care enough to mark it as a special day.

He's very funny about "sharing". We've lived together for 7 years and he refuses to open a joint bank account. Bills are split to the penny even though he works from home so uses more utilities than I do. I buy the groceries and he reimburses me, which is hell.

I have my own a/c, so does my hubby. But, we also have a joint account where we both put in X amount a month to cover mortgage and all bills. This works very well for us.
If there is something left over at the end of the year, we put it towards our holidays.
Perhaps it is something you could suggest.

He goes through every receipt and if there's anything on it that's moreso mine, eg shampoo and conditioner, he deducts it from his share.

Wow. Just, wow.

But now he's saying that the ring I wanted (and we both decided suited me) is too much. What has me so upset is that it's not like it's a €20k rock, it's quite small and insignificant compared to most. It's way smaller than any of my friends and family members and apart from that it was the one we both decided on. And now he's reneged on that. I feel that even if I chose the smallest ring in the shop it would be too much.

OP, you say you love him but I'm wondering why?
Instead of going out of his way to make your engagement special, he has ruined it.
Any man worth his salt would have at least made that day special.
I see men posting on this site all the time looking for ideas on how to make the day one of the most special for their girl. That's as it should be.
All relationships need a bit of romance now and again if they are to survive.

I honestly don't know how you are coping with such meanness. It's utterly unattractive.
I'd have snapped years ago.

Neyite · 10-01-2012 03:44PM

unregistered wrote: »

I'm contemplating marriage to him because I love him. Apart from his meanness he's not a bad person. He had nothing growing up so money is very important to him now.

As for children we have discussed this in depth. We are still unsure if we want children, he's unsure and I'm unsure, really unsure. I never envisaged having children, and the only reason to do so would be to not grow old alone. I have never had the urge to reproduce and am quite selfish in that I enjoy my life as it is. Plus the fact that I am unemployed now has only added to the doubts.

We do get on very well except when it comes to discussing money. I haven't been buying his clothes since I lost my job although I did spend €150 on a christmas present for him that I got nothing in return for. He got angry with me because his cousin asked me did I get anything nice for christmas from him (she wouldn't know how bad he is) and I told her the truth that I got nothing so I embarrassed him.

Sometimes I don't think he knows just how mean he is. He doesn't think he's mean because he spends a lot of money on himself and justifies it because it's "It's my money" He just has no comprehension of sharing.

Lots of us had nothing growing up, but we shared what we had. So I'm sure your partner did too. As we get older that sharing concept that our parents who had very little to stretch very far taught us, is used with our new family - our life partners.

He is aware that he is mean - the comment that you embarrassed him and he subsequently became angry about it demonstrates that. Some people are happy to have their finances totally separate - but that involves absolute fairness in splitting the costs. In your partners case, he is having his cake and eating yours.

Fair enough, you dont want kids - but there are other examples where we need to depend on our partners financially - long term illness for example, or maybe you might want to move in and support a parent from your side when they get older. I know that in a heartbeat I have that financial security there with my partner, and vice versa with him, and that is a reassurance that we are working together for us. Sharing the load.

Ok, so if dumping him is not an option, then your only way is to have your engagement, and let him deal with the embarrassment of not getting you a decent ring. Why should you shield him from that? Dont say you dont want a ring, because that gives him his out when people ask. Announce your engagement, then say that you are leaving the ring up to him. Then leave it up to him. He is wasting money monthly by not being able to use your tax credits to reduce his income tax because you are not married and co-habitees cant transfer them.

Similarly, stand up for yourself with regard to the bills and the rest. Work out the % usage for the electrictity he would use during the day, and factor it back into his share of the bill. Do this with all utilities. Anyone with a basics in accounting knows that if you work from home offset porportions of utilities from the end of year tax liability anyway, which he should be doing if he wants his money back. If he is employed, do the same and let him go into the accounts dept with an expenses bill and get it off them.

Ditto with the groceries - whats stopping you from saying "hold on mister, I paid my share for my shampoo and conditioner, you pay yours for your razor blades." Turn the tables and be exact to the penny too. Give him his exact change back even if its in coppers. So what if the ar$e is threadbare on his trousers. Let him walk around in them if he wants!

He lets you buy stuff because he knows that if he is stubborn enough, you will cave in. Then simply dont cave in.

I am a friend · 10-01-2012 03:55PM

My ex finacee ruined our engagement too... We had the ring made by a friend of a friend and despite him having plenty of money he suddenly decided a cut off amount he would spend and if I wanted the ring then I had to pay £500 towards it... Now, no matter what anyone says it was poor form as he had the money (I didnt) but I paid my portion anyway as I had already asked this person to make the ring and could not back out. Then we went away for the weekend, with the ring and he waited til the last minute to propose, which was so silly as we both knew why we were away and I loved the ring so much I was dying to wear it and he knew it.... It wasnt about finding somewhere special, it was about control...

There were other signs which brought it to a head and we lasted 6 months after that because, what I came to realise was that the contribution towards the ring was not about money it was about control and the same is happening here.. he is controlling you by his actions and lack thereof. Can you see that?

Neyite · 10-01-2012 04:08PM

I agree with IIAF - its probably about control.

Tell us OP, does he skip or evade his round when you are out with friends? or is he generous and stand his round/insist someone have a drink on him?

If its the former, then he is a tightwad in every area of his life and maybe its built in with him. If not, its a control thing specific to your relationship and speaks volumes about how highly he regards you compared to others.

Neyite · 10-01-2012 04:12PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

There are reasons why these tight-*rses are exes.

Mine bought me a designer tracksuit for my birthday (and I am not a tracksuit person). When he was utterly broke. Transpired he took my bank card, and my pin, and withdrew my money to buy it.

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 04:13PM

I know you are all right, it's not normal behaviour. I suppose I've just become so used to it, I gave up caring. I've always been independent finacially and never depended on anybody to buy me something I couldn't buy myself. The engagement ring is the straw that broke the camels back. Plus the fact that he had a go at me for not saving when I'm on social welfare which really got to me. I've worked all my adult life until this year and I've bought my own house, I have no car loan on my car and a lovely home and social welfare payments don't stretch to savings.

Regarding the christmas and birthday presents, he never has anything for me on the day and we used to joke about it and he would say he would get me something, but it never transpires. Even this christmas, we were out on xmas eve and I knew he didn't get me anything so I said it to him. This is at 4.30 in the afternoon when pretty much all the shops are closed so he says "ok lets go and get you something" I asked him where he intended to go at 4.30 on Christmas eve to get me a present because most if not all shops were closed early and he said "well fine, I did offer".

daisybelle2008 · 10-01-2012 04:20PM

unregistered wrote: »

Throughout the years I never made much of a fuss of not getting any presents because he always insinuated that when the time came he would get me something special.

I can't talk to my friends about this, we haven't told anybody we're getting engaged and they would be appalled at his meanness, they already give him stick over it and I don't want to give them ammunition to give him a hard time.

Seriously what? After 10 years of going out with someone that stingy you expect things to change based on a vague insinuation of something in the future. I am not sure if you are being a martyr or a doormat or a bit of both.

You seem to be frustrated with his behavour but want to protect him from criticism of it? Or are you embarassed of the standards you have set in the relationship? People treat you how you let them. If your standards have been to accept this for the last 10 years then it is hard to know what advise to give you. Have you been tolerating it expecting him to change into someone else?
Do you love the man he is(stingy warts and all) or do you love the man you think he could be (and is probably not capable of being)? If it is the latter, which it appears to be, you are doing you both a disservice.
Really you cannot change him, only your reaction to the situation.
At what point are you going to come to the realisation that you are going out with a stingy tight man and make the decision that either:
(A) This is not a dealbreaker, it is who he is or (B) It is a dealbreaker, I cannot accept who he is and move on.
Because your passive aggressive frustration with the situation seems to me to be a very unhappy compromise. The decision is yours to accept the behaviour or not. Needing or expecting him to change is really not a option that I would bank on if I was you.

LittleBook · 10-01-2012 04:37PM

OP, what are you going to do when he demands a pre-nup so you can't steal away any of his precious, precious money?

Idrive · 10-01-2012 04:37PM

I feel just sadness reading your post. I think you are almost used to this behaviour now, and thats maybe even worse then the behaviour itself.
I would use this opportunity to think long and hard about the kind of relationship you are in. Its not really about the money at the end of the day, but its about sharing, looking out for each other, and maybe helping out when the other partner is stuck for a few bob. I dont know how you have lasted this long.. Is this the man you think you deserve to spend your life with ? Maybe this ring situation will crystallize the problem with any future union with this man.

I am recently engaged myself, my partner is good with money too, and is usually very strict with most of " our " spending. But when it came to getting engaged ( the important symbol that it is ) he was very generous, and very kind to me.

Miss Fluff · 10-01-2012 04:43PM

unregistered wrote: »

I'm contemplating marriage to him because I love him. Apart from his meanness he's not a bad person.

Perhaps not but I wouldn't be using a statment "apart from his meanness". It's fundamental and wouldn't underestimate how serious this is. A couple has to agree on their financial affairs together and both be happy with the arrangement in place or it leads to corrosion and is ultimately very damaging.

I actually read your post open-mouthed. Meanness is a bugbear for me but I think your partner's problem goes beyond that. The fact he won't treat you on your birthday or Christmas shows an inherent lack of respect and appreciation for you and his refusal to play ball with the engagement ring is just an extension of that.

If you're contemplating getting married to someone you have to feel confident that you can work together AS A TEAM. What if you do have kids and what if you find yourself out of work or solely financially dependent on him if you were taken ill for example? Can you depend on him to be your rock in your time of need and to support you not just emotionally but also financially?

If he's behaving like such a Scrooge now and you're not even married I shudder to think what it will be like when you're actually legally bound to him and he no longer feels the need to impress you....:rolleyes:

And STOP making excuses for him. Plenty of people grew up with nothing and pay their way/support their partner.

Neyite · 10-01-2012 04:47PM

unregistered wrote: »

I know you are all right, it's not normal behaviour. I suppose I've just become so used to it, I gave up caring. I've always been independent finacially and never depended on anybody to buy me something I couldn't buy myself. The engagement ring is the straw that broke the camels back. Plus the fact that he had a go at me for not saving when I'm on social welfare which really got to me. I've worked all my adult life until this year and I've bought my own house, I have no car loan on my car and a lovely home and social welfare payments don't stretch to savings.

Regarding the christmas and birthday presents, he never has anything for me on the day and we used to joke about it and he would say he would get me something, but it never transpires. Even this christmas, we were out on xmas eve and I knew he didn't get me anything so I said it to him. This is at 4.30 in the afternoon when pretty much all the shops are closed so he says "ok lets go and get you something" I asked him where he intended to go at 4.30 on Christmas eve to get me a present because most if not all shops were closed early and he said "well fine, I did offer".

Social Welfare payments are not supposed to stretch to savings.

and if they do, then our government needs to re-think it. Its a basic payment to keep you ticking over until you earn the big bucks again.

I know that you have gradually accepted more and more of this behaviour over the years, while still being generous to him, but when one partner is on the dole, you have to depend on the other, and the earner takes on more responsibility.

Christmas Eve as you describe it sounds calculated. He didnt offer. He deliberatly stalled until it was too late. What you should have done is taken his present back out from under the tree and return it to get yourself something nice. I would be beyond hurt to be manipulated like that.

Ask yourself, if this is him over your engagement, what kind of wedding will you have? A badly fitting second hand dress for you from Oxfam while he gets a nice bespoke suit and new shoes? The cost of a mid-priced engagement ring is nothing compared to the cost that can go into a wedding.

I'm sorry, I think you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt. Not getting gifts is one thing, but your engagement? your wedding? I am not for one minute saying that you need the big do - (personally I would be of the family-only+nice restaraunt camp,) but even I want a lovely day with my mother and sisters picking the dress of my dreams, and splurging just a tad on me for our special day, without being reduced to tears for wasting money.

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 05:07PM

Neyite wrote: »

Social Welfare payments are not supposed to stretch to savings. and if they do, then our government needs to re-think it. Its a basic payment to keep you ticking over until you earn the big bucks again.

I know that you have gradually accepted more and more of this behaviour over the years, while still being generous to him, but when one partner is on the dole, you have to depend on the other, and the earner takes on more responsibility.

Christmas Eve as you describe it sounds calculated. He didnt offer. He deliberatly stalled until it was too late. What you should have done is taken his present back out from under the tree and return it to get yourself something nice. I would be beyond hurt to be manipulated like that.

Ask yourself, if this is him over your engagement, what kind of wedding will you have? A badly fitting second hand dress for you from Oxfam while he gets a nice bespoke suit and new shoes? The cost of a mid-priced engagement ring is nothing compared to the cost that can go into a wedding.

I'm sorry, I think you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt. Not getting gifts is one thing, but your engagement? your wedding? I am not for one minute saying that you need the big do - (personally I would be of the family-only+nice restaraunt camp,) but even I want a lovely day with my mother and sisters picking the dress of my dreams, and splurging just a tad on me for our special day, without being reduced to tears for wasting money.

In fairness, I never wanted the "big wedding". I have stated for years that it would be 20 or so family, probably registry office. Again, a bit like not sure of wanting children, I'm not 100% conventional in that sense, I never got the bridezilla gene, I certainly won't wear a traditional bridal dress. But that doesn't mean I don't want the romance of the proposal..

He would wear his suit. I'd be lucky if he got himself a new shirt and tie.

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

I am a friend · 10-01-2012 05:12PM

unregistered wrote: »

I've bought my own house, I have no car loan on my car and a lovely home

Well done - thats very admirable...

unregistered wrote: »

social welfare payments don't stretch to savings.

Of course not. Is he living in your house? Does he pay towards that?

unregistered wrote: »

Even this christmas, we were out on xmas eve and I knew he didn't get me anything so I said it to him. This is at 4.30 in the afternoon when pretty much all the shops are closed so he says "ok lets go and get you something" I asked him where he intended to go at 4.30 on Christmas eve to get me a present because most if not all shops were closed early and he said "well fine, I did offer".

:eek:

OP read that back as if I was writing it and tell me what you would think? He is a pure pup op... I am raging on your behalf... You marry him and you are set up for a life of misery...

Oryx · 10-01-2012 05:14PM

unregistered wrote: »

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

This would make sense if he also refused gifts from you. He doesnt. He is blowing smoke here, yet more promises of a rosy future to excuse his meanness today, like the engagement ring.

10-01-2012 05:17PM

unregistered wrote: »

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

You keep saying "we" but there has been no "we" to date from him.
He will be retired and off travelling and you will have to fend for yourself.
For god's sake OP you said he promised you special presents in the future for christmas... then at christmas he acted like a right youknowwhat.
Why are you falling for this again? There is going to be no "we" from him and any of his money in your direction, not a bit of it.
You have been with him for over a decade, you say he won't share, he won't buy you anything, he will split in half etc. This is a load of BS and you must know it.

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 05:24PM

unregistered wrote: »

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

And when you get to that oasis in the desert, you'll have spent your adult life with a man who's mean, a man who embarrasses you because of his meanness, a man who is manipulative when it comes to sharing. You in the meantime will be a shell of the person you used to be.

You're in the relationship too long to see things from a clearer perspective. You think very little of yourself to accept what this man is doing to you. You will have to change the way you think about yourself before you can ever move on. While you believe that what he is doing is acceptable, you will stay, no matter what anyone says to you.

Your family must be going mad at this stage!

By the way, when you finally reach your 'oasis', you'll find it's nothing but a mirage.

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 05:27PM

I am a friend wrote: »

Well done - thats very admirable...

Of course not. Is he living in your house? Does he pay towards that?

No, It's my own house that I purchased independently of him. We live in a home that we jointly own. I had a fairly well paid job for a number of years and money wasn't an issue.

:eek:

OP read that back as if I was writing it and tell me what you would think? He is a pure pup op... I am raging on your behalf... You marry him and you are set up for a life of misery...[/QUOTE]

I think it's mean behaviour. I do. But the real thing that has upset me is the engagement ring. I have never depended on him for gifts or cash and have been quite proud of that. I see friends of mine who literally give up their independence when they marry and have children and that's not for me. The one thing he could do for me is this and I don't think he realises just how much it has upset me. It's hard to get through to him, he just doesn't get how I can be so upset over a ring, yet not want a big fuss for the wedding.

solarflare · 10-01-2012 05:38PM

unreginald wrote: »

unregistered wrote: »

In his defence (I know you don't want to hear this) his long term plan is to have all investments, mortgages and savings sorted out in the next 15 years, and is working damn hard to achieve this. He want's to have us retired at 50ish with our investments paying for our living and that we can travel or retire to a better climate. (I suffer from arthritis, due to a bad injury years ago)

And when you get to that oasis in the desert, you'll have spent your adult life with a man who's mean, a man who embarrasses you because of his meanness, a man who is manipulative when it comes to sharing. You in the meantime will be a shell of the person you used to be.

You're in the relationship too long to see things from a clearer perspective. You think very little of yourself to accept what this man is doing to you. You will have to change the way you think about yourself before you can ever move on. While you believe that what he is doing is acceptable, you will stay, no matter what anyone says to you.

Your family must be going mad at this stage!

By the way, when you finally reach your 'oasis', you'll find it's nothing but a mirage.

For youre own sake dont commit to a long term relation ship with this man this is not a relationship its more of a buisness arrangement you can find someone who cares for you not their wallet by the way im male and married 20 years and cannot relate to this mans attitude to you or his over emphasis on whats his when if he was serious about you it would be considered yeres

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 05:54PM

OP you don't need to spend money to make a fuss of someone on their birthday or at xmas. You say one year he didn't even say happy birthday.....that would have cost him nothing so why didn't he do it? He's not tight, he's mean and controlling.

Does he make any nice gestures towards you? Carries the shopping? you say you've arthritis does he make an extra effort to help you with that? Does he hold doors open, pull out your chair? Breakfast in bed? Look after you when your sick? Anything to show he gives a damn?

LegacyUser · 10-01-2012 06:10PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

So much good advice on here, but I wonder OP if you are prepared to let it sink in.

I know now that I wasn't over reacting.

There have been a lot of threads that I have read over the years on here about stingy partners (of both sexes) and this one is one of the worst.

I know he's bad, but he's always been like this. He didn't change his behaviour when we started going out. His mother jokes that he still has his communion money.

So he is going to scrimp and save so he can retire at 50?

My grandfather grew up very poor and then scrimped and saved all his life. He never took my dear nana anywhere - even taxis were an issue. (I remember her once telling my mum if she had married her previous 'suitor' she'd have never had to walk anywhere as he went on to own a huge taxi firm.... Aaannnyway, my grandfather scrimped and saved his whole life. I remember he even once gave out to me because my mum gave me a few dollars to spend on myself at a county fair and I bought ET earrings (OK, yes, in hindsight they were vile, but as a 10-year-old they were the business )

He ended up getting Alzheimer's in his 60s. He never got to enjoy a penny of his savings. Died with a bulging bank account but what good was it to him then?

I am all for saving for a raing day, but when someone can't even bring themselves to treat a partner that no doubt cooks, cleans and looks after them... the writing for a miserable future is clearly etched on the wall.

I certainly don't do all the cleaning and looking after the house, he does pull his weight in that respect. He does some cleaning, and does everything in the garden. I do the lions share of cooking, but I am a fairly good cook, and he is fairly useless with the cooker. (He has tried!) He always cleans up after me when I cook, which is nice as I tend to use every saucepan and utensil.

He does other little things like servicing my car, helps with any maintenence in my rental house, helps in my families houses. As I have said, he's not all bad!

Daisy M · 10-01-2012 06:16PM

Op I feel really sorry for you I am not been condesending I really do.

Your boyfriend isnt treating you with respect let alone love and you are settleing for this because you know no better. Your falling for the pathetic excuses like having grown up with nothing, a lot of people were in the same situation I was but it hasnt made me mean. He tells you its for your future but he is happy to spend wads of money on himself. I would hazzard an educated guess and bet when the time comes to retire in your 50s to enjoy life it will be just him doing so. Most of us would do without even if it meant scrimping and saving to get a gift for someone we love.

LittleBook · 10-01-2012 06:27PM

unregistered wrote: »

The one thing he could do for me is this and I don't think he realises just how much it has upset me. It's hard to get through to him, he just doesn't get how I can be so upset over a ring, yet not want a big fuss for the wedding.

Why do you think he doesn't "get" it?

You know the man perfectly well and you know how he is. You know he is the type to suggest buying you a present @ 4.30 on Christmas Eve and when you point out how ridiculous this is, he feels he's offered so that's good enough. You know he'll do anything to keep his money all to himself, spend it on himself on extravagant things. You know he doesn't share with you. You know he's happy to take your gifts and forces you to contribute more than is fair to the household. You can't even talk to your friends about this because you know it's wrong and you know how embarrassing it is. But "he's not all bad", you love him, you want to marry him. Fair enough.

But why on earth did you think he would (finally) spend money on an engagement ring ... something that is of no use to him whatsoever? You've accepted his meanness for years now and are prepared to accept it for years more.

This is perfectly normal behaviour (for him) and you're not playing ball. THAT'S why he doesn't get it.

By the way, the people I know who were poorest growing up are actually the most generous people I know.

Am I over reacting?

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