Is marriage worth it?

CathyMoran · 10-01-2012 09:27AM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

What's stability and why do you want it?

Life is tough enough - having someone who is your best friend by your side that you also love makes a huge difference. When you are not married you can easily walk away from little rows, being married makes it harder to walk away and makes it more likely that you will look at those issues and resolve them before they become huge.

CathyMoran · 10-01-2012 09:31AM

later10 wrote: »

Similar question to Scanlas - do you really want a tie based on common, civil or religious law (complex separation procedure) rather than respect?

Respect is part of a marriage - it was a way of officially making us family.

lazygal · 10-01-2012 09:40AM

I'm married. No one forced either of us into it, it was a natural progression for our relationship. We wanted to make sure if anything happened, legally we were protected. We didn't want to have children outside marriage, not a religious reason but it is our personal preference. And we love each other and want to cement our union, and marriage is a pretty good way of doing that.

I find a lot of the negative comments on boards about marriage quite amusing. Either the age cohort is such that a lot of people aren't of an age where they are considering marriage or there's a lot of bitter people out there letting previously poor relationships rule how they feel about men or women forever, which is quite sad.

Marriage isn't all sunshine and roses and we didn't have a huge splashy day. We didn't marry in a church and had a humanist service with readings and reflections that celebrated our union. I didn't browbeat my husband into a big white wedding, we planned our day together as we do everything big in our lives.

I didn't dream about getting married from a young age and didn't see my wedding day as my day as a princess, we made a mature decision that for us and how we wanted to live our lives together marriage offered the best social, legal, emotional and practical means of achieving that.

If you don't want to get married, then don't. But don't have sweeping generalizations about men being hustled into marriages by bullying harridans who want to be a princess for a day before turning on their husbands and taking all their money. Such views paint a very poor and blatantly untrue picture of many men and women, most of whom are able to make up their own minds about whether to enter a union with another person.

Doc Ruby · 10-01-2012 10:24AM

lazygal wrote: »

No one forced either of us into it, it was a natural progression for our relationship.

Nothing natural about it.

lazygal wrote: »

And we love each other and want to cement our union, and marriage is a pretty good way of doing that.

Why did you need cement for your relationship?

lazygal · 10-01-2012 10:29AM

Doc Ruby wrote: »

Nothing natural about it.

Why did you need cement for your relationship?

Nothing unnatural about it either. I said for US it was a natural progression. And wanting to cement our relationship in a public way in front of family and friends was important to us. The same way it seems to be important to other people to stay as far away from marriage as possible. If you don't want to get married, fair enough. But what difference does it make to you if other people do?

Doc Ruby · 10-01-2012 10:47AM

lazygal wrote: »

Nothing unnatural about it either.

Theres no evidence whatsoever to indicate that humans are naturally inclined towards being monogamous. Men OR women.

lazygal wrote: »

And wanting to cement our relationship in a public way in front of family and friends was important to us.

Could you not have paid for some skywriting instead.

lazygal wrote: »

But what difference does it make to you if other people do?

None really, although I'll warn any man off. However when a poster starts coming out with comments like "I find a lot of the negative comments on boards about marriage quite amusing" well, some might say that's a bit smarmy.

lazygal · 10-01-2012 10:55AM

Doc Ruby wrote: »

Theres no evidence whatsoever to indicate that humans are naturally inclined towards being monogamous. Men OR women.

Could you not have paid for some skywriting instead.

None really, although I'll warn any man off. However when a poster starts coming out with comments like "I find a lot of the negative comments on boards about marriage quite amusing" well, some might say that's a bit smarmy.

How is finding something amusing smart? Its a regular enough thing to read about how men get screwed over by women and marriage is nothing but a piece of paper on AH. I find it funny, same way you probably found my comments about cementing my relationship funny.

Scanlas The 2nd · 10-01-2012 11:36AM

Are some people afraid that their OH could break up some day so they decide to get married for stability lessening the likelihood of it happening in their eyes.

candy-gal1 · 10-01-2012 02:09PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

Are some people afraid that their OH could break up some day so they decide to get married for stability lessening the likelihood of it happening in their eyes.

couldnt agree more there tbh, i mean im sure and i hope not everyone does this, but 9 times out of 10 two people are together and one of them, or both, feel a tad insecure about the other leaving them then theyre not going to feel better till they get married, thinking that once you get married it can never end and noone can leave :rolleyes:

if anything, it makes things more complicated imho

i mean if your going to be with someone and you love them then your going to be with them, end of, you shouldnt need to be forced into it by a piece of paper.

for me, if i ever met anyone, again, who i loved and wanted to be with for always, which i doubt i will - once is enough- i dont fall in love that easily, even then i cant see myself wanting to get married. maybe for the experience in vegas or something, then annuled asap! :pac:
a nice proposal of how much they love me and want to be with me is good and honest enough for me, thats it!

Freddie59 · 10-01-2012 02:26PM

Azureus wrote: »

Is it so terribly different from purchasing a car? In fact, you'd pursuade me to buy a car much faster than you would get me to marry somebody,at least I can sell the car. Personally I don't see the benefits of marriage outside of tax credits so for me it would most likely be a type of financial arrangement just as much as buying a shiny new mini would be.
Dont get me wrong, I am very much in love with my partner-I cant imagine a life without my best friend either. I just dont see what benefits marriage would have to me in this day and age.

Congrats on 30 years though, it's nice to see when it works

Thank you. I supposed we were (and are) blessed really. Although the wife might agrue that one!:o:) Everyone to their own I suppose. I fully appreciate that people in long-term relationships who are not married are equally as much in love. And also appreciate their best friends.

luvnit! · 10-01-2012 02:28PM

Hi myself and my other half are getting married next year after being together for six years.

Marriage is not something to be entered into lightly, We only now feel ready to get married after 6 years of being together! I cannot understand when people get married after such a short time and it inevitably ends in divorced especially where celebrities are concerned.

We are getting married because we love each other but we would be lying if we said there weren't other practical reasons for it.
we are "common law husband and wife" when the government want us to be but not when we want to be!! Its ridiculous! :mad:

Your 21 though go out and enjoy yourself dont be worrying about getting married, you'll be sucked into in a few years anyways...:D

lolita60 · 10-01-2012 02:32PM

Grass is always Greener!!!!!!!!!!!!:cool:

d1975 · 10-01-2012 02:32PM

I'm 36 (37 next month) and am single, enjoying every moment of it, if it happens it happens but until then let the single ladies arrive

Max Power1 · 10-01-2012 05:29PM

Serious response:
Of course it's worth it. Religious aspect aside (I would only ever have a registry office wedding because I despise religion), I cant see how its not worth it. What better way to display your affection for someone that you love, than to declare your love and commitment before friends and family, and have that love& partnership recognised in law?

Although from a personal perspective, (planning my wedding for this autumn

) I might be more full of the positivity towards it now, than I will be in 10 years time (joke

)

The Big Red Button · 11-01-2012 12:25AM

Handy11 wrote: »

In my experience, marriage is great. It's your way of saying to the world that you love this person and want to be with them for the rest of your life.

But why not just say this to them?!

Handy11 wrote: »

It's more than just a wedding. The marriage is kinda cool. Ring always there to remind you of what you did and who you're lucky to be with.

Surely, unless you suffer from amnesia or whatever, you'll remember who you're with?

I can understand people getting married because of religion, tax, or babies (not that I'd get married for any of these reasons.) But I don't get why you'd get married just to prove your love to other people?

Why can't being happy together just be enough?

Handy11 · 11-01-2012 12:35PM

chatterpillar wrote: »

Handy11 wrote: »

In my experience, marriage is great. It's your way of saying to the world that you love this person and want to be with them for the rest of your life.

But why not just say this to them?!

Handy11 wrote: »

It's more than just a wedding. The marriage is kinda cool. Ring always there to remind you of what you did and who you're lucky to be with.

Surely, unless you suffer from amnesia or whatever, you'll remember who you're with?

I can understand people getting married because of religion, tax, or babies (not that I'd get married for any of these reasons.) But I don't get why you'd get married just to prove your love to other people? Why can't being happy together just be enough?

On the first point, I wanted to get married to celebrate my love for someone else, with them and with our families and friends. We felt it was worth celebrating. I can say anything I like to anyone, but getting married felt completely natural and the right thing to do. If you've either never loved someone, or have no interest in marriage, then I can understand your confusion. The desire to get married, like the fact of loving someone you have no attachment to, is not guided by logic. If we were all logical, then we'd be alone. I'm content with the fact that I can't explain my love for someone else. I don't need to explain it. I'm happy.

On the second point, again, it's not something i can accurately explain unless you had some experience of it yourself. The ring reminds you all the time of the commitment you made and of the celebration you had. Some may not choose to wear a ring. Its entirely a personal thing. I didn't get married to prove anything. I got married because it felt the right thing to do and it made me and my wife happy. It's like saying you'd have a child or go on holiday just to prove that you're fertile or wealthy respectively. You do these things because you want to do them and you believe that they'll make you and the person you're with happy.

Your inability to grasp the reasons why make it clear enough to me that any amount of explaining won't make you understand. I'm happy together with my wife. The wedding and marriage didn't create that happiness but they did/do enhance it.

I have the utmost respect for anyone who doesn't believe in or appreciate marriage, and who wish to conduct long term relationships without. I have friends who have made that choice. Most reasonable people would, in turn, respect and allow the fact that my marriage enhances my happiness and that of my Wife. Those who disapprove of the idea, or who scoff at the thought, or who really dont understand, don't bother me one bit.

barbiegirl · 11-01-2012 12:42PM

Handy11 wrote: »

On the first point, I wanted to get married to celebrate my love for someone else, with them and with our families and friends. We felt it was worth celebrating. I can say anything I like to anyone, but getting married felt completely natural and the right thing to do. If you've either never loved someone, or have no interest in marriage, then I can understand your confusion. The desire to get married, like the fact of loving someone you have no attachment to, is not guided by logic. If we were all logical, then we'd be alone. I'm content with the fact that I can't explain my love for someone else. I don't need to explain it. I'm happy.

On the second point, again, it's not something i can accurately explain unless you had some experience of it yourself. The ring reminds you all the time of the commitment you made and of the celebration you had. Some may not choose to wear a ring. Its entirely a personal thing. I didn't get married to prove anything. I got married because it felt the right thing to do and it made me and my wife happy. It's like saying you'd have a child or go on holiday just to prove that you're fertile or wealthy respectively. You do these things because you want to do them and you believe that they'll make you and the person you're with happy.

Your inability to grasp the reasons why make it clear enough to me that any amount of explaining won't make you understand. I'm happy together with my wife. The wedding and marriage didn't create that happiness but they did/do enhance it.

I have the utmost respect for anyone who doesn't believe in or appreciate marriage, and who wish to conduct long term relationships without. I have friends who have made that choice. Most reasonable people would, in turn, respect and allow the fact that my marriage enhances my happiness and that of my Wife. Those who disapprove of the idea, or who scoff at the thought, or who really dont understand, don't bother me one bit.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

The Big Red Button · 11-01-2012 04:46PM

Handy11 wrote: »

On the first point, I wanted to get married to celebrate my love for someone else, with them and with our families and friends. We felt it was worth celebrating. I can say anything I like to anyone, but getting married felt completely natural and the right thing to do. If you've either never loved someone, or have no interest in marriage, then I can understand your confusion. The desire to get married, like the fact of loving someone you have no attachment to, is not guided by logic. If we were all logical, then we'd be alone. I'm content with the fact that I can't explain my love for someone else. I don't need to explain it. I'm happy.

On the second point, again, it's not something i can accurately explain unless you had some experience of it yourself. The ring reminds you all the time of the commitment you made and of the celebration you had. Some may not choose to wear a ring. Its entirely a personal thing. I didn't get married to prove anything. I got married because it felt the right thing to do and it made me and my wife happy. It's like saying you'd have a child or go on holiday just to prove that you're fertile or wealthy respectively. You do these things because you want to do them and you believe that they'll make you and the person you're with happy.

Your inability to grasp the reasons why make it clear enough to me that any amount of explaining won't make you understand. I'm happy together with my wife. The wedding and marriage didn't create that happiness but they did/do enhance it.

I have the utmost respect for anyone who doesn't believe in or appreciate marriage, and who wish to conduct long term relationships without. I have friends who have made that choice. Most reasonable people would, in turn, respect and allow the fact that my marriage enhances my happiness and that of my Wife. Those who disapprove of the idea, or who scoff at the thought, or who really dont understand, don't bother me one bit.

You may have misjudged me a little. Contrary to what you've implied, I've been in an extremely long-term relationship; I've been in love; I've gotten engaged, and at the time I was completely committed to the relationship and was entirely happy with my decision! As you said yourself, it certainly was not a decision guided by logic.

For me, looking back, while I regret nothing, I'm glad that logic took over, and I didn't get married in the end. I couldn't be happier with my life as it is now. And I can't imagine ever wanting to be married again.

If you're happy that's the important thing.

I mean, I look at my own parents who have the most perfect marriage in the world, and I admire that! I just don't think it's something I'm ever going to want for myself, though.

limklad · 12-01-2012 10:45AM

dvpower wrote: »

The middle of the year would be a better time to get married from a tax allowances pov (or just before the end of the tax year). That way you can be jointly assessed for a full year that you got married at the end of.

Charlie McCreevy got rid of most of these advantages 'though.

If anybody is basing their reason to get married on Tax reasons, then they deserve what they get when the marriage falls apart.

While money diggers will use money as a reason to get married, Money however does not secure a marriage.
Living together for money reasons while despising the other half will be like living in hell. The constant bickering, cold shoulders, hot tantrums, been lied about will make anyone life hell, even more in a marriage because you cannot avoid or ignore them even when living in separate accommodation especially when there is children involved.

limklad · 12-01-2012 10:46AM

Sindri wrote: »

In Ireland it's 0.7%.

Where did you get this figure from? If it 2004 figure, then it very much outdated as it is 7 years old.

It is very difficult to get accurate information on family court cases due to the "in camera" rule.

Separations is a hell of lot higher due to the complicated and long duration nature of getting a divorce in Ireland.

The only reliable way is the number of court cases from the Courts Service Annual Report which can be misleading is not interrogated properly. as Separations is filled before Divorce proceeding can be filed.
Also some cases goes to the High Court.
Here their figures for 2010

Irish Court Service wrote:

http://www.courts.ie/Courts.ie/library3.nsf/pagecurrent/4C3135833D5A9863802578CB004E88B1?opendocument
1,420 applications for judicial separation - a 13% decrease on 2009 - majority by wives (89% in High Court; 74% in Circuit Court)
3,381 applications for divorce - a 9% reduction on 2009 - majority by husbands in High Court (54%) and by wives in Circuit Court (54%)
41 applications for nullity - a 25% decrease on 2009 - majority by wives

Now how many of those proceeded to final outcomes cannot be truthfully determined because of the "in camera" rule relating to Family Law cases. It is Assumed that divorce proceeding are 100% successful. I do know of one couple who were heading for divorce with their application filed in the circuit Court and withdrew are reconciling. As seen in the Us and UK, Divorce was a rare event in the 80's but much more common nowadays. Ireland always are playing catch up, but the long delays in getting Divorce causes far too much pain than the Divorce itself as it ongoing over many years and will cause much bitterness especially when living with another partner.
At the date of the commencement of the proceedings, the spouses have lived apart for four out of the five previous years.

http://www.wolfe.ie/news_pdf/The%20Better%20Divorce.pdf
Wolf quoted 1 in 5 middle age couples of Marriage breaking down. Using this figure can be treated with a grain of salt as people wait to see others in how they faired in Court cases.

Because of our Divorce time frame, I prefer that it take 8+ years living together before been able to apply for Marriage. It make much more sense if the Government willingness to have 4 years minimum to be separated before Divorce can be granted by the Court.
It is way too easy to get married which causes so much pain for the Kids involved as too often it is them who are so often no choice in who they live with, and have to live with the repercussion and pain caused by others.

bnt · 12-01-2012 11:27AM

I have a general principle which I find helpful with the big "life decisions", which something like this: you make decisions while the going is good, and stick to them when it's not. You might not remember why at that time, but you remember that you made the decision while in sound mind, for good reasons, and that can be enough to save you from a stupid mistake.

If you know you've got to drive later, you don't even start drinking, because if you do, you'll lose your ability to judge whether it's safe to drive or not. It's why you make decisions about end-of-life arrangements while you're healthy, not when you're ill. It applies to religion: there's a reason why priests hang around hospitals, looking to catch people at their weakest. If you're able to think about it logically and are clear about what you believe (or not), while of sound mind and body, you can resist the appeals to emotion that will look more appealing if you're in a weakened state.

And that's why I've decided against marriage now, while in my single, happy state, with the luxury of time and space to think about the issues rationally. I can easily envisage a time when I'll (once again) fall head-over-heels in love, but in that compromised state I won't be best placed to make rational decisions about my future ... so I'm doing it now, while I'm emotionally healthy. If I was in love, I could not trust myself to do the right thing.

Hormones can make you justify anything - just look at the headlines in the papers, most days of the week. Of course you're going to justify marriage if you're in love - but that decision is made in a state of love, when you shouldn't be operating heavy machinery, never mind signing your life away.

tl;dr It's a bad idea to decide big issues such as marriage when you're in love, just as bad as trying to decide whether it's safe to drive while you're drunk. Make the decisions while you're sober; and stick to them even if, later, you can't quite remember why.

Jazzzman · 12-01-2012 12:04PM

tax credits are so romant...eh, i mean marriage, MARRIAGE is so romantic.

It's for cheapskates and suckers.

Is marriage worth it?

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