An open letter to all Twilight fans

Good evening,

If you're reading this, I'm going to assume you're either a Twilight fan or someone who's bored and decided to click into this thread for a chuckle. Welcome, anyway, but this post is directly directed at anyone who might be going to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (a shoo in for a nomination in 'titles that really aren't suited to twitter discussion' Oscar category this year).

Up until now, I've perceived Twilight with a mix of bemusement and apathy. It's something I assumed I didn't 'get', and was more than happy to ignore it in favour of stuff I could care about. I just wrote if as a social phenomena that wasn't aimed at me: the cynical, mid-twenties film student.

But today **** got personal. Well, not really, but I'm taking it as a direct insult. I decided to check out the local multiplex timetables in the admittedly foolish hope that they'd be snowing Australian break through hit Snowtown. Since I've spent approximately two fifths of my waking hours this week commuting, the idea of trudging into Dublin to see it doesn't appeal. So I checked the timetable, admittedly with little hope.

It, obviously, wasn't showing. But very little else was either, apart from a tonne of silly action films and a bound-to-be mediocre Brett Ratner movie. A few decent films, still somehow lingering in the cinema around two months after their initial release, were still showing, but been there, bought the t-shirt etc.

What was showing was Twilight.

Thirteen. ****ing. Times.

Now this bothered me. Surely one - a mere single screening - could have been excised to make way for something that us non-Twilight fans could watch and enjoy. I'm well aware Twilight is popular, and it would be remiss of me to begrudge the cinema owners out of making money, but still.

Thirteen! And over thirty times over the course of the weekend.

So, it's time I let you in on a secret. This may come as a shock, but it needs to be said as Snowtown continues to be relegated to arthouse cinemas across the country (or, more specifically, Dublin. My thoughts are with my rural comrades). Here's the truth: you don't like Twilight.

Now, who am I to make such a ludicrous, even condescending judgement. It is not my intention to insult. I'm also aware many viewers watch Twilight ironically, or even as a guilty but disposable pleasure. That's fine. I'm directing this more at anyone who has been - understandably - tricked into thinking this is any way shape or form anything other than worthless trash. I just feel it's important to get this out there, and if I can even prevent one person from paying into see the film, I consider my work complete.

Firstly, you should be aware that the studios are tricking you with attractive people. I myself have fallen victim to this: I once watched Brothers because it featured Natalie Portman, and regret that decision to this day. But the reality is they're trying to numb you into submission by parading all manner of shirtless superhunks in front of you. Friend, google will serve the same purpose in a far less melodramatic manner.

Secondly, this is the perfect example of peer pressure, or suggestion by force. It's like schoolyard dynamics: if everyone's talking about something, you can be damn sure I'll want to be part of the party, no matter how poor the subject in question is. We see this all over society as it continues to celebrate mediocrity. The undeserved popularity of the X-Factor or Michael Buble are further examples of this triumph of untalent.

Thirdly, this really doesn't need to be two films from any (lulzworthy) plot synopsis I've endured. You're being taken for a monetary ride.

Mostly, we can blame Stephanie Meyer, that crafter of deplorable, offensive subversions of classic mythology. In her continued failure to grasp the appeal of the vampire myth, she has instead decided to appeal to people's basest, most (deservedly) hidden instincts and created a franchise that has the artistic merit of a particularly narrative-free pornographic film.

Vampires aren't meant to emote and declare their undying (ho!) love for each other, and they sure as **** aren't meant to sparkle. They're meant to be creepy, confused beings with shocking bloodthirst. Although - let's be honest - a caesarean section with fangs is a step too far, especially for a franchise predominantly aimed at tweens.

I have taken the liberty of including links to a few far better films about vampires: many of which cover similar topics, in a far more cinematic and much less lame way than the Twilight films have. Please: watch one instead of Twilight 4, or 5, or whatever the hell its on at this point. You'll find it's much more rewarding in the long term, and you'll soon forget you were even a member of Team Jacob. You'll be on Team Klaus Kinski instead. Phwoar.

Yours sincerely,
A concerned citizen.

PS: Interview with the Vampire would be a good drug to ween yourself off this camp stuff.