An open letter to all Twilight fans

johnny_ultimate

Good evening,

If you're reading this, I'm going to assume you're either a Twilight fan or someone who's bored and decided to click into this thread for a chuckle. Welcome, anyway, but this post is directly directed at anyone who might be going to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (a shoo in for a nomination in 'titles that really aren't suited to twitter discussion' Oscar category this year).

Up until now, I've perceived Twilight with a mix of bemusement and apathy. It's something I assumed I didn't 'get', and was more than happy to ignore it in favour of stuff I could care about. I just wrote if as a social phenomena that wasn't aimed at me: the cynical, mid-twenties film student.

But today **** got personal. Well, not really, but I'm taking it as a direct insult. I decided to check out the local multiplex timetables in the admittedly foolish hope that they'd be snowing Australian break through hit Snowtown. Since I've spent approximately two fifths of my waking hours this week commuting, the idea of trudging into Dublin to see it doesn't appeal. So I checked the timetable, admittedly with little hope.

It, obviously, wasn't showing. But very little else was either, apart from a tonne of silly action films and a bound-to-be mediocre Brett Ratner movie. A few decent films, still somehow lingering in the cinema around two months after their initial release, were still showing, but been there, bought the t-shirt etc.

What was showing was Twilight.

Thirteen. ****ing. Times.

Now this bothered me. Surely one - a mere single screening - could have been excised to make way for something that us non-Twilight fans could watch and enjoy. I'm well aware Twilight is popular, and it would be remiss of me to begrudge the cinema owners out of making money, but still.

Thirteen! And over thirty times over the course of the weekend.

So, it's time I let you in on a secret. This may come as a shock, but it needs to be said as Snowtown continues to be relegated to arthouse cinemas across the country (or, more specifically, Dublin. My thoughts are with my rural comrades). Here's the truth: you don't like Twilight.

Now, who am I to make such a ludicrous, even condescending judgement. It is not my intention to insult. I'm also aware many viewers watch Twilight ironically, or even as a guilty but disposable pleasure. That's fine. I'm directing this more at anyone who has been - understandably - tricked into thinking this is any way shape or form anything other than worthless trash. I just feel it's important to get this out there, and if I can even prevent one person from paying into see the film, I consider my work complete.

Firstly, you should be aware that the studios are tricking you with attractive people. I myself have fallen victim to this: I once watched Brothers because it featured Natalie Portman, and regret that decision to this day. But the reality is they're trying to numb you into submission by parading all manner of shirtless superhunks in front of you. Friend, google will serve the same purpose in a far less melodramatic manner.

Secondly, this is the perfect example of peer pressure, or suggestion by force. It's like schoolyard dynamics: if everyone's talking about something, you can be damn sure I'll want to be part of the party, no matter how poor the subject in question is. We see this all over society as it continues to celebrate mediocrity. The undeserved popularity of the X-Factor or Michael Buble are further examples of this triumph of untalent.

Thirdly, this really doesn't need to be two films from any (lulzworthy) plot synopsis I've endured. You're being taken for a monetary ride.

Mostly, we can blame Stephanie Meyer, that crafter of deplorable, offensive subversions of classic mythology. In her continued failure to grasp the appeal of the vampire myth, she has instead decided to appeal to people's basest, most (deservedly) hidden instincts and created a franchise that has the artistic merit of a particularly narrative-free pornographic film.

Vampires aren't meant to emote and declare their undying (ho!) love for each other, and they sure as **** aren't meant to sparkle. They're meant to be creepy, confused beings with shocking bloodthirst. Although - let's be honest - a caesarean section with fangs is a step too far, especially for a franchise predominantly aimed at tweens.

I have taken the liberty of including links to a few far better films about vampires: many of which cover similar topics, in a far more cinematic and much less lame way than the Twilight films have. Please: watch one instead of Twilight 4, or 5, or whatever the hell its on at this point. You'll find it's much more rewarding in the long term, and you'll soon forget you were even a member of Team Jacob. You'll be on Team Klaus Kinski instead. Phwoar.

Yours sincerely,
A concerned citizen.

PS: Interview with the Vampire would be a good drug to ween yourself off this camp stuff.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeYpGsEdEZU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZJUgsZ56vQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kG4AV6kLrKY

Melion

It was on 18 times in Storm Cinema in Limerick, 18 fúcking times!

MrStuffins

Do you honestly think anyone who is into Twilight would have the attention span to read that entire post? They'd have swooned as soon as you said "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn 1"

At the end of the day, multiplex cinemas are businesses. If Twilight is gonna make them and the studios money, that's what's gonna be shown unfortunately!

OKeeffer

The general public are morons.

mikhail

26 showings. Twenty-six.

http://www.broadsheet.ie/2011/11/15/is-this-a-first/

ronano

24 times in cineworld today, is it just me or has this been the downside of introduction of digital? feels like it's so much more these days

theteal

well, job done, that's me convinced. . .











. . .sorry OP, I had no intention of ever exposing myself to that pish but I'll show this thread to herself. I assume she'll have completely forgotten about it by the time she and the rest of her cackle go to see it tomorrow.

MisterAnarchy

Do yourself a favour Johnny and buy Snowtown on DVD or Bluray and enjoy it in your own home away from a noisy multiplex.
Most cinemas are catering towards kids and families with the result that the vast majority of films they show are junk .
I rarely visit the cinema anymore ,I used to go week in week out ,I prefer to watch it in the comfort of my own home on my projector and surround sound system.Much much better.

dark crystal

I liked Brothers.

phasers

Vue in Liffey Valley has a special over-18s screening on, as well as 23 standard showings per day.


Surely nobody over the age of 18 can be suckered in by this inane crap? I can forgive young fans in the 10-16 age group, they're young and have a lot to learn. But adults? Surely not?

And maybe this is just me but I don't think any of the cast are particularly attractive.

laoch na mona

phasers wrote: »

Vue in Liffey Valley has a special over-18s screening on, as well as 12 standard showings per day.


Surely nobody over the age of 18 can be suckered in by this inane crap? I can forgive young fans in the 10-16 age group, they're young and have a lot to learn. But adults? Surely not?

possible metal condition maybe

johnny_ultimate

MisterAnarchy wrote: »

Do yourself a favour Johnny and buy Snowtown on DVD or Bluray and enjoy it in your own home away from a noisy multiplex.

I'm a romantic. Cinema is still the place for me. I'll see it in the IFI at some point.

RopeDrink wrote: »

Given horror is my favourite genre, having to look at a supposed 'vampire' that glitters in daylight is just pathetic

landsleaving

Johnny. You're my hero. That post just made my day.

kumate_champ07

it's called the 'movie business' for a reason. you cant change human nature/hormones and exploitation.

Sid_Justice

Twilight isn't a story about vampires and werewolves it's a story about a girl and her boyfriend and her best friend that wants to be her boyfriend. Therefore any references to vampire films isn't relevant.

Secondly, your letter should be addressed to the people that organise the screenings in cinemas.

johnny_ultimate

kumate_champ07 wrote: »

it's called the 'movie business' for a reason. you cant change human nature/hormones and exploitation.

But I sure as hell can give out about it on the Internet.

Dohnny Jepp

I loved this quote by Stephen King about Twilight and Harry Potter.

“Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”
― Stephen King

Tipsy McSwagger

Dohnny Jepp wrote: »

I loved this quote by Stephen King about Twilight and Harry Potter.

“Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”
― Stephen King

SK is a legend and he wrote Salem's Lot a brilliant vampire novel.

krudler

great rant OP, the amount sh1te status updates on facebook from grown adults about this wretched series is sickening. tweens I'll forgive, they're stupid and romantic, but women in their 40's thinking its ok to have an over possessive, emotionally manipulative man in your life as being a good thing need a bit of fcuking cop on.

-Trek-

I managed to watch a bit of twilight on TV until it got to the part where it revealed that vampires sparkle in sunlight, part of me died that day

The Sparrow

So your local multiplex wasn't showing the film that you wanted to see so instead of giving out about that, you decided to jump on the internet and bash twilight fans who have as much of a right to see their movie in their local cinema as you do.

Honestly, this is a completely pointless thread as it hardly addresses the main point of less popular films not getting the showcase that they perhaps deserve. Instead you come across as a spoiled child throwing your toys out of the pram ranting at people because they like a certain movie. It doesn't matter that the film was Twilight.

The same thing will happen when the next Batman movie comes out but I doubt so many ppl will be complaining then. It is just the way the cinema business works at the moment and if you don't like that, complain about it instead of writing a pompous post against a series of films that you don't like. And that's not even mentioning the utterly condescending way you decide that Twilight fans need recommendations from you about other Vampire movies that you think are better.

And for what it's worth, I've never read a Twilight book or seen any of the movies and I have no intention to ever see or read them.

foxinsox

I happened upon the Twilight movie on TV a few weeks ago..

I only watched it out of curiosty to see what all the fuss was about..

There wasn't much else on TV, it was ok ish, well better than the shopping channel or Bridezilla ..


Can I ask a silly question?

Is this film in the cinema now the second movie?

The one I saw on tv was the one where he "sparkles", they play baseball and they go to the prom...

Thanks

johnny_ultimate

I apologise, Sparrow, if you took my tongue-in-cheek post as anything insulting. This was not the intention - it was (a trollish, admittedly) attempt at kick starting a discourse. However, I must fix one small part of your post in the name of honesty and fairness.

The Sparrow wrote: »

And that's not even mentioning the utterly condescending way you decide that Twilight fans need recommendations from you about other Vampire movies that you think are better.

Are better.

Agent Smith

The Sparrow

johnny_ultimate wrote: »

I apologise, Sparrow, if you took my tongue-in-cheek post as anything insulting. This was not the intention - it was (a trollish, admittedly) attempt at kick starting a discourse. However, I must fix one small part of your post in the name of honesty and fairness.

No need to appologise, I wasn't a bit offended. Just exasparated at the arrogance of your (not in any way tongue in cheek) arrogance and suggestion that you are somehow the arbiter of which movies are better that others. But I'm sure you probably didn't mean it.

johnny_ultimate wrote: »

Are better.

Oh wait... you did.

krudler

johnny_ultimate wrote: »

Are better.

boom, if you're going to write a series of books about something then completely ignore or change the mythology of the thing you're writing about to fit your own skewed agenda into it and manipulate teenage girls you deserve every bit of flack Myers gets.

Corkfeen

The Sparrow wrote: »

No need to appologise, I wasn't a bit offended. Just exasparated at the arrogance of your (not in any way tongue in cheek) arrogance and suggestion that you are somehow the arbiter of which movies are better that others. But I'm sure you probably didn't mean it.

I don't think any critic (or anyone who has seen the mentioned film) would disagree with him about them being better. I think "Thirst" was one of the best films I've seen in years and is most definitely far superior to Twilight. The same applies for "Let the Right One In". :cool:

johnny_ultimate

The Sparrow wrote: »

No need to appologise, I wasn't a bit offended. Just exasparated at the arrogance of your (not in any way tongue in cheek) arrogance and suggestion that you are somehow the arbiter of which movies are better that others. But I'm sure you probably didn't mean it.

Oh wait... you did.

Again, I can only express my regret that you interpreted my post in that way through my own lack of clarity. It was all in the name of fun, and everyone's input is, as always on this film forum, valued.

Mickeroo

The Sparrow wrote: »

So your local multiplex wasn't showing the film that you wanted to see so instead of giving out about that, you decided to jump on the internet and bash twilight fans who have as much of a right to see their movie in their local cinema as you do.

Honestly, this is a completely pointless thread as it hardly addresses the main point of less popular films not getting the showcase that they perhaps deserve. Instead you come across as a spoiled child throwing your toys out of the pram ranting at people because they like a certain movie. It doesn't matter that the film was Twilight.

The same thing will happen when the next Batman movie comes out but I doubt so many ppl will be complaining then. It is just the way the cinema business works at the moment and if you don't like that, complain about it instead of writing a pompous post against a series of films that you don't like. And that's not even mentioning the utterly condescending way you decide that Twilight fans need recommendations from you about other Vampire movies that you think are better.

And for what it's worth, I've never read a Twilight book or seen any of the movies and I have no intention to ever see or read them.

I've seen all the twilight movies to date, I've even read the first book, so I think that puts me in a better position than you to say that everything johnny_ultimate says is bang on the money.

Comparing these films to Batman is silly, considering you have not watched any you really have no idea how bad they are, New Moon in particular was atrocious. Even if you set aside the dull unlikeable characters, messing up the vampire mythology etc. the films are just awash with really really bad acting, thats a fact my good man, nothing to do with opinions. Now the third one was a marked improvment over the first two but that really is not saying a lot.

tricky D

Dohnny Jepp wrote: »

I loved this quote by Stephen King about Twilight and Harry Potter.

“Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”
― Stephen King

Once thought I'd never watch a Harry Potter but I'm slowly coming round to it. Twilight just ain't never gonna make it for me.

RopeDrink wrote: »

Don't want to see girl who acts with the exact same expression for every mood, tone and event in the film

Obligatory pic (even if you've seen it already)

abouttobebanned

Well done OP. I love a long winded, well thought out thread with delicious highlights of humour.

The Sparrow

Mickeroo wrote: »

I've seen all the twilight movies to date, I've even read the first book, so I think that puts me in a better position than you to say that everything johnny_ultimate says is bang on the money.

Comparing these films to Batman is silly, considering you have not watched any you really have no idea how bad they are, New Moon in particular was atrocious. Even if you set aside the dull unlikeable characters, messing up the vampire mythology etc. the films are just awash with really really bad acting, thats a fact my good man, nothing to do with opinions. Now the third one was a marked improvment over the first two but that really is not saying a lot.

So why do so many ppl want to see them and why do they make so much money?

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

because teenage girls are idiots

MrStuffins

The Sparrow wrote: »

Honestly, this is a completely pointless thread as it hardly addresses the main point of less popular films not getting the showcase that they perhaps deserve. Instead you come across as a spoiled child throwing your toys out of the pram ranting at people because they like a certain movie. It doesn't matter that the film was Twilight.

Compaing the Twilight series, a series notoriously trashed by critics and the public alike and which plays into the feelings of overly emotional teenage girls, to the Batman franchise, the multi oscar wining and possibly the most acclaimed movie franchise since LotR........... is a bit silly.

I see your point, but still. They're not similar.

Mickeroo

The Sparrow wrote: »

So why do so many ppl want to see them and why do they make so much money?

By the logic you're getting at Justin Bieber is a musical genius.

Popularity does not equal quality.

Goldstein

The Sparrow wrote: »

...And that's not even mentioning the utterly condescending way you decide that Twilight fans need recommendations from you about other Vampire movies that you think are better.

I think they need a lot more help than Johnny's recomendations can provide if they're watching that meritless sh|te. Film bootcamp maybe. Or perhaps an exorcism.

MrStuffins

tricky D wrote: »

Once thought I'd never watch a Harry Potter but I'm slowly coming round to it. Twilight just ain't never gonna make it for me.

I was the same. Never thought it would be for me. But one day my girlfriend asked me to watch the movies with her so I did.

The first one was horrible.

The second one was worse.

But then the third one was really really good! The actors in the movies are top notch, generally the cream of British acting. The third one was very dark and aimed towards adults as well as the original fans who at this time were getting older.

I then watched the rest of the movies and was very impressed by the last one specifically.

The Sparrow

MrStuffins wrote: »

Compaing the Twilight series, a series notoriously trashed by critics and the public alike and which plays into the feelings of overly emotional teenage girls, to the Batman franchise, the multi oscar wining and possibly the most acclaimed movie franchise since LotR........... is a bit silly.

I see your point, but still. They're not similar.

I wasn't comparing their quality either way. Like I said, I've never seen Twilight.

My point was that when the next Batman film comes out, it will be all over the place just like Twilight filling every screen imaginable. But I would guess that most ppl here won't complain because they like it.

MrStuffins

The Sparrow wrote: »

I wasn't comparing their quality either way. Like I said, I've never seen Twilight.

My point was that when the next Batman film comes out, it will be all over the place just like Twilight filling every screen imaginable. But I would guess that most ppl here won't complain because they like it.

Yeah this is very true. I understand why Twilight is everywhere, money money money!

Anyone who regularly frequents this forum is aware of my disdain for all things Twilight and while the numerous screenings are rather irritating it's not like it's the only mediocre film to have cinemas dedicating 3 and 4 screens to. For weeks The Guard and Harry Potter took up most screens in cinemas across the country yet there were few complaints. That the Tree of Life didn't open in many places for months due not to the fact that cinemas couldn't be bothered to get it but rather down to the Guard and Potter.

The latest Twilight film is guaranteed to make billions and as much as I loath it doing so well at least the money it makes will go toward producing some riskier projects, though that said I foresee a hell of a lot of romantic horrors coming in the next few years.

Any horror fans looking for a down and dirty vampire film should check out Stake Land which is how you do a vampire film. A nihilistic piece of cinema which expands on the vampire mythos in a great way.

Snowtown is out on DVD and Blu-Ray in Australia for nearly two months and is well worth ordering. One of the years best films.

The Sparrow

MrStuffins wrote: »

I then watched the rest of the movies and was very impressed by the last one specifically.

I do remember Mark Kermode saying something similar. As far as I remember, he was very positive about twilight anytime I heard it mentioned.

I'm not sure I know where to start. It does sound disappointing OP that you were unable to see the movie you wanted, but really, is it necessary to insult all those who do want to see it? You refer to it as worthless trash, yes! It is! And that's just why I have enjoyed it so much, I work hard, I have a very meaningful job, when I finish my working day I come home and work hard as a mother. So what if I want to unwind to "worthless trash"? I myself have had a story published, so I'm well aware that the books aren't well written, but they are really enjoyable! My husband read them before they were turned into blockbuster movies, he eats books and he knows damn well that these are not going to win any real literary prizes, but he thoroughly enjoyed them and has been to the first three movies in the cinema and guess what? He loved them!

I haven't seen breaking dawn yet, but I will definitely see it in the cinema, although I will wait until I can sit without being squished and without the teeny boppers cheering when Jacob takes his shirt off.

Cinemas are there to make money, and while it would be great to see lower budget movies doing well, you can't blame a business for being a business.

johnny_ultimate

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not sure I know where to start. It does sound disappointing OP that you were unable to see the movie you wanted, but really, is it necessary to insult all those who do want to see it? You refer to it as worthless trash, yes! It is! And that's just why I have enjoyed it so much, I work hard, I have a very meaningful job, when I finish my working day I come home and work hard as a mother. So what if I want to unwind to "worthless trash"?

I will never begrudge anyone for that. I have my own guilty pleasures, as everyone is entitled to.

It's the obsession of the hardcore Twilight fans that's different. Those people who burst into tears when someone takes off a shirt. Those who obsess over it and aren't able to recognise the inherent trashiness of the material. Those people should know better.

columok

johnny_ultimate wrote: »

I will never begrudge anyone for that. I have my own guilty pleasures, as everyone is entitled to.

It's the obsession of the hardcore Twilight fans that's different. Those people who burst into tears when someone takes off a shirt. Those who obsess over it and aren't able to recognise the inherent trashiness of the material. Those people should know better.

Honestly every fanbase has ridiculous fans with ridiculous obsessions. Look at star-wars, star-trek, marvel, dc etc etc. See ANY Comiccon for evidence. Twilight is unfairly singled out because its largely for girls. Its not my buzz but neither are lots of things. Personally I find Transformers 1/2/3 FAR more offensive and irredeemably crap. I find the amount of attention that the X-Factor gets for what is essentially two hours of bad karaoke really depressing.

Also Kermode is a fan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY-spgL2aZ8

johnny_ultimate

johnny_ultimate wrote: »

It's the obsession of the hardcore Twilight fans that's different. Those people who burst into tears when someone takes off a shirt. Those who obsess over it and aren't able to recognise the inherent trashiness of the material. Those people should know better.

The same people who probably would "absolutely die" if Nicky from boyzone said hello to them. It's not really doing anyone any harm though. Teenage girls obsess, they always have and they always will. This is just the current obsession. In a couple of years it will be forgotten and there will be something else that will fill our tv screens and possibly our movie theatres. Hollywood has capitalised on the nature of teenage girls. Who can blame them!?

(on an unrelated note, might be worth spoilering the

caesarean with fangs

bit of your post! (though maybe you don't care )

I have to say that find the whole aspect of 40 something mothers and their teenage daughters going to the Twilight films and cheering each shirtless scene a little creepy. Imagine if there was a male alternative where40 year old men took their teenage sons to a film where there was cheering as attractive females disrobed. Every feminist in the country would be up in arms.

johnny_ultimate

Deleted User wrote: »

The same people who probably would "absolutely die" if Nicky from boyzone said hello to them. It's not really doing anyone any harm though. Teenage girls obsess, they always have and they always will. This is just the current obsession. In a couple of years it will be forgotten and there will be something else that will fill our tv screens and possibly our movie theatres. Hollywood has capitalised on the nature of teenage girls. Who can blame them!?

(on an unrelated note, might be worth spoilering the

caesarean with fangs

bit of your post! (though maybe you don't care )

The whole whether its harmless or not business is another rant altogether :pac:

I certainly know the moral of having a girl

become a vampire all in the name of love and childbirth

is more than a little disturbing, and not the kind of thing I'd want my imaginary daughter buying into!

Mickeroo

Deleted User wrote: »

I have to say that find the whole aspect of 40 something mothers and their teenage daughters going to the Twilight films and cheering each shirtless scene a little creepy. Imagine if there was a male alternative where40 year old men took their teenage sons to a film where there was cheering as attractive females disrobed. Every feminist in the country would be up in arms.

Objectifying women in modern cinema? Sure that never happens

johnny_ultimate

Even as a hetrosexual guy I felt insulted watching Transformers. It's like Bay was telling me to find this sexy. Or else.





Hmm, maybe that's next weeks rant in the name of equal opportunity!

The Sparrow

johnny_ultimate wrote: »

The whole whether its harmless or not business is another rant altogether :pac:

I certainly know the moral of having a girl

become a vampire all in the name of love and childbirth

is more than a little disturbing, and not the kind of thing I'd want my imaginary daughter buying into!

Is that honestly the worst thing that happens in Twilight? If so, your imaginary daughter would have a very sheltered life.

Sure Romeo and Juliet killed themselves over love. Would you also ban you imaginary daughter from Shakespeare???

johnny_ultimate

johnny_ultimate wrote: »

The whole whether its harmless or not business is another rant altogether :pac:

I certainly know the moral of having a girl

become a vampire all in the name of love and childbirth

is more than a little disturbing, and not the kind of thing I'd want my imaginary daughter buying into!

The entire series is based on questionable motives. The message central to the series is that you can't be happy till you live as a subservient partner to a man. The books are wildly inappropriate for teenage girls and I know that if I had a 13 year old daughter she wouldn't be reading the series. Christ the werewolf falling in love with a new born baby is amongst the creepiest things ever put on page, if a man had written that I guarantee that women would be up in arms over it. A tale about a man who goes from baby sitting to banging, never laughed so much when someone one here said it wasn't that bad as they wouldn't have sex till she was of age.

I've been called a hypocrite for saying that Twilight is inappropriate for teenagers as I read Salem's Lot when I was 10 and by 11 had read all of Kings published work to date much of which is far more adult than Twilight.