Talking about exes with current partners...why is it not acceptable?

Eve_Dublin · 27-10-2011 09:47AM #1

Many people have serious issues discussing previous partners with their current partners but to me, when I stand back and look it objectively, it seems a little odd. It's presumed as being disrespectful by many people and many people feel threatened.

My current fella went out with a girl for 5 years who broke his heart almost 2 years ago. She was a massive part of his life and to me, it would seem unfair if I insisted he never talk about her as she was pretty much involved in every aspect of his life for a long time and the same goes for him with regards to me exes.

I believe there's something strange about putting a ban on mentioning exes with current partners...this person was probably the most important thing in their lives for a long/decent/short amount of time and we expect them to carry on as if nothing happened? To delete all mention of them when referring to past experiences? Some of us put a ban on talking about one of the biggest experiences of their lives...like a kind of brainwashing..."There there....forget about her...she/he never existed....you have ME now...ME!! No more mention of her/him...." while spinning some kind of psychedelic hypnosis device in front of their eyes and waving some fingers about.

Surely if you're secure enough in your relationship you'd have no problems with this...

What do you think?

Oranage2 · 27-10-2011 09:49AM

Because lads dont want to imagine someone else's c0ck in your vagina!

27-10-2011 09:50AM

I don't mind it that much if it's brief, like my ex did such and such, or I once went out with someone who...
But I'm a kind of move on person, as far as I'm concerned it's in the past, closed that chapter, so I don't really talk about them at all, with the exceptions of those I wasn't serious with or there was a big gap of no contact in between and most certainly moved on so we're ok to be friends.

I think it's because someone was so much a part of your life that you do need to move on - sometimes people who dwell on exes a lot just aren't over them. If the mentions are more like "someone I used to know" or "someone I wasn't serious with and meet sometimes for coffee but they're more a sort of friend than an ex" then it's all good.

Gummy Panda · 27-10-2011 09:50AM

Depends on what you talk about. "My ex boyfriend use to piss me off by doing blah blah" is fine. "I liked it when my ex use to nail me in the ass" is not okay to talk about.

Scanlas The 2nd · 27-10-2011 09:51AM

Oranage2 wrote: »

Because lads dont want to imagine someone else's c0ck in your vagina!

Especially not a bigger one.

Balmed Out · 27-10-2011 09:52AM

I bring up ex's all the time, I like to use it to encourage a spirit of competiveness within my girlfriend.

KTRIC · 27-10-2011 09:53AM

When current girlfriends find out I had a 9 year relationship with an ex , then it repeatedly causes problems.

We broke up years ago and since then when it comes up in new relationships then it always goes down hill after that. I get the impression that women feel really threatened when they find out someone was with "their man" for so long.

My new rule is don't mention ex's at all.

stupidusername · 27-10-2011 09:53AM

I agree Eve, I wouldn't expect a partner to never talk about any exes. If they were constantly going on about them, you'd feel self conscious, and like they're comparing you to them, but besides that of course I'd be fine with it. It's much about security I'd say. But then that doesn't mean it's wrong. If someone feels bad with you talking about an ex, then it'd be worth cutting it down a bit.

I'd expect that when you're in a mature relationship that you could discuss things like exes with your partner. If I couldn't at all, I'd question his maturity.

Lando Griffin · 27-10-2011 09:56AM

I dont mean to be negitave here but the experts would agree that you are playing second fiddle to his true love.
Everything he does or thinks about still revolves around her, say for instance he wants to go to a fancy restraunt, well that is probably the restraunt she is more than likely dining in. The more he tells you about her, then the more you know about her habits and likes, then the more likely you will spot her every time he is "bringing you out", he is actually kind of stalking her still. This is totally abnormal behaviour and he could possibaly be a dangerous person in this state of mind.

But then again as the saying goes "its better to have loved and lost, than have never loved at all"

Eve_Dublin · 27-10-2011 10:00AM

Gummy Panda wrote: »

Depends on what you talk about. "My ex boyfriend use to piss me off by doing blah blah" is fine. "I liked it when my ex use to nail me in the ass" is not okay to talk about.

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

27-10-2011 10:02AM

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

That's when you say "I've tried xyz before and I'd like you to do it" so as not to bring up mental images of naked ex to poor partner :pac:

rambutman · 27-10-2011 10:04AM

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

Would the simple approach here not be to just say "please nail me in the bum"?

Gummy Panda · 27-10-2011 10:04AM

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Gummy Panda wrote: »

Depends on what you talk about. "My ex boyfriend use to piss me off by doing blah blah" is fine. "I liked it when my ex use to nail me in the ass" is not okay to talk about.

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

She could just say nail me in the ass.

themadchef · 27-10-2011 10:04AM

I totally agree with you OP.

Sometimes people need to talk to heal, to know that you understand how badly hurt they have been. Talking is healing, it can lead to a closer bond.

That's been my recent experience anyway.

Raze_them_all · 27-10-2011 10:06AM

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

Brb got some calls to make.

I generally don't care if women talk about ex's, it's not as if I don't have a past myself

Snakeblood · 27-10-2011 10:07AM

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

I think if my wife told me she was happy some other guy nailed her in the ass, I might go to the shower for my crying time.

livinginkorea · 27-10-2011 10:08AM

I am always curious to hear about exs...how they met, how they got on, what happened at the end but over a period of time, not all at once. We all have a history coming into a relationship so there is no point pretending it didn't happen.

Eve_Dublin · 27-10-2011 10:09AM

themadchef wrote: »

I totally agree with you OP.

Sometimes people need to talk to heal, to know that you understand how badly hurt they have been. Talking is healing, it can lead to a closer bond.

That's been my recent experience anyway.

I agree completely. If you're supposed to be there for that person, surely you should be able to talk about one of the most hurtful things that can happen to you...getting your heart broken.

A ban on talking about exes (and I'm not talking all the time...talking about anything all the time is a head wreak) highlights a deep underlying insecurity in my opinion.

Sky King · 27-10-2011 10:10AM

Snakeblood wrote: »

I think if my wife told me she was happy some other guy nailed her in the ass, I might go to the shower for my crying time.

Nah she wasn't happy about it. In fact she struggled quite a bit.

rambutman · 27-10-2011 10:12AM

I might be off the mark here but does imagining the sex a current partner had with an ex part not bother a man more and imagining the romance a partner had with an ex not bother a woman more?!! I could be totally wrong but I think if my female partner started gushing about "oh, me and my ex used to have to hottest sex, we used to do x, y and z" - i'd feel it getting under my skin more than a "oh we went here and there, it was soooo romantic, we were so in love" whereas from my experience the latter comment would bother a female partner more.

ibarelycare · 27-10-2011 10:13AM

I think it's silly to avoid talking about exes. Good or bad, they were a part of your life for a period of time. I wouldn't go on about them all the time but I've no problem talking about the reason we broke up or anything like that. I think finding out bits about your partner's previous relationships gives you an idea of what kind of bf/gf they might be, or what kind of issues might come up.

stovelid · 27-10-2011 10:15AM

Like everything, it has a time and place.

And most importantly, a limit.

4leto · 27-10-2011 10:15AM

I had a GF who was engaged and the date was set, then he changed his mind and ended it, it left her heartbroken but more distraught. I start seeing her about 3 years after that, but there was noway she couldn't talk about him and the situations they shared, it was a huge part of her life for the years of her youth. I genuinely never gave a siht, I understood, just like me talking about experiences I had with other people who I grew up with.

Eve_Dublin · 27-10-2011 10:22AM

stovelid wrote: »

Like everything, it has a time and place.

And most importantly, a limit.

Who decides on this place and time and limit though?

stovelid · 27-10-2011 10:27AM

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Who decides on this place and time and limit though?

Me.

Of course.

Snakeblood · 27-10-2011 10:32AM

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Who decides on this place and time and limit though?

Whoever has the lower tolerance in the relationship, I presume. Why would you force a topic that your other half doesn't want to discuss? Unless it's not about the ex, it's about something else. In which case, talk about the other thing.

I'm alright talking about past relationships for the record, I just can see the point of view that people either A) don't want to discuss them or

have strict limits on how much they want to hear.

GavRedKing · 27-10-2011 10:33AM

TBH I dont bring up ex's with my current GF but if she or myself brings up our ex's i dont see a problem.

It all really depends on the context of the conversation though.

Leftist · 27-10-2011 10:36AM

I forbid it. Don't need to hear about it.

Any mug who sits there listening to their woman telling them how much they loved some idiot is just setting themselves up as a handbag carrier.

livinginkorea · 27-10-2011 10:40AM

Leftist wrote: »

I forbid it. Don't need to hear about it.

Any mug who sits there listening to their woman telling them how much they loved some idiot is just setting themselves up as a handbag carrier.

If she is saying how much she loved her ex then that could a problem depending on when it's said. I know that my exs loved their exs at some point in time...that would understand why she stayed with some of them for years.

If she is only taking what they did (oh went there with my ex it's a nice city, had that food before, etc) than that's generally fine.

Logical Fallacy · 27-10-2011 10:41AM

Leftist wrote: »

I forbid it. Don't need to hear about it.

Any mug who sits there listening to their woman telling them how much they loved some idiot is just setting themselves up as a handbag carrier.

lol

You forbid it?

I assume you go back to 1950 to find a woman?

Leftist · 27-10-2011 10:44AM

livinginkorea wrote: »

If she is saying how much she loved her ex then that could a problem depending on when it's said. I know that my exs loved their exs at some point in time...that would understand why she stayed with some of them for years.

If she is only taking what they did (oh went there with my ex it's a nice city, had that food before, etc) than that's generally fine.

Acceptable, just.

If they start banging on about it too much then a swift sulk usually gets the message across.

it's a massive sign of disrespect in my opinion.

Talking about exes with current partners...why is it not acceptable?

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