Talking about exes with current partners...why is it not acceptable?

Eve_Dublin

Many people have serious issues discussing previous partners with their current partners but to me, when I stand back and look it objectively, it seems a little odd. It's presumed as being disrespectful by many people and many people feel threatened.

My current fella went out with a girl for 5 years who broke his heart almost 2 years ago. She was a massive part of his life and to me, it would seem unfair if I insisted he never talk about her as she was pretty much involved in every aspect of his life for a long time and the same goes for him with regards to me exes.

I believe there's something strange about putting a ban on mentioning exes with current partners...this person was probably the most important thing in their lives for a long/decent/short amount of time and we expect them to carry on as if nothing happened? To delete all mention of them when referring to past experiences? Some of us put a ban on talking about one of the biggest experiences of their lives...like a kind of brainwashing..."There there....forget about her...she/he never existed....you have ME now...ME!! No more mention of her/him...." while spinning some kind of psychedelic hypnosis device in front of their eyes and waving some fingers about.

Surely if you're secure enough in your relationship you'd have no problems with this...


What do you think?

Oranage2

Because lads dont want to imagine someone else's c0ck in your vagina!

I don't mind it that much if it's brief, like my ex did such and such, or I once went out with someone who...
But I'm a kind of move on person, as far as I'm concerned it's in the past, closed that chapter, so I don't really talk about them at all, with the exceptions of those I wasn't serious with or there was a big gap of no contact in between and most certainly moved on so we're ok to be friends.

I think it's because someone was so much a part of your life that you do need to move on - sometimes people who dwell on exes a lot just aren't over them. If the mentions are more like "someone I used to know" or "someone I wasn't serious with and meet sometimes for coffee but they're more a sort of friend than an ex" then it's all good.

Gummy Panda

Depends on what you talk about. "My ex boyfriend use to piss me off by doing blah blah" is fine. "I liked it when my ex use to nail me in the ass" is not okay to talk about.

Scanlas The 2nd

Oranage2 wrote: »

Because lads dont want to imagine someone else's c0ck in your vagina!

Especially not a bigger one.

Balmed Out

I bring up ex's all the time, I like to use it to encourage a spirit of competiveness within my girlfriend.

KTRIC

When current girlfriends find out I had a 9 year relationship with an ex , then it repeatedly causes problems.

We broke up years ago and since then when it comes up in new relationships then it always goes down hill after that. I get the impression that women feel really threatened when they find out someone was with "their man" for so long.

My new rule is don't mention ex's at all.

stupidusername

I agree Eve, I wouldn't expect a partner to never talk about any exes. If they were constantly going on about them, you'd feel self conscious, and like they're comparing you to them, but besides that of course I'd be fine with it. It's much about security I'd say. But then that doesn't mean it's wrong. If someone feels bad with you talking about an ex, then it'd be worth cutting it down a bit.

I'd expect that when you're in a mature relationship that you could discuss things like exes with your partner. If I couldn't at all, I'd question his maturity.

Lando Griffin

I dont mean to be negitave here but the experts would agree that you are playing second fiddle to his true love.
Everything he does or thinks about still revolves around her, say for instance he wants to go to a fancy restraunt, well that is probably the restraunt she is more than likely dining in. The more he tells you about her, then the more you know about her habits and likes, then the more likely you will spot her every time he is "bringing you out", he is actually kind of stalking her still. This is totally abnormal behaviour and he could possibaly be a dangerous person in this state of mind.

But then again as the saying goes "its better to have loved and lost, than have never loved at all"

Eve_Dublin

Gummy Panda wrote: »

Depends on what you talk about. "My ex boyfriend use to piss me off by doing blah blah" is fine. "I liked it when my ex use to nail me in the ass" is not okay to talk about.

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

Eve_Dublin

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

That's when you say "I've tried xyz before and I'd like you to do it" so as not to bring up mental images of naked ex to poor partner :pac:

rambutman

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

Would the simple approach here not be to just say "please nail me in the bum"?

Gummy Panda

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Gummy Panda wrote: »

Depends on what you talk about. "My ex boyfriend use to piss me off by doing blah blah" is fine. "I liked it when my ex use to nail me in the ass" is not okay to talk about.

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

She could just say nail me in the ass.

themadchef

I totally agree with you OP.

Sometimes people need to talk to heal, to know that you understand how badly hurt they have been. Talking is healing, it can lead to a closer bond.

That's been my recent experience anyway.

Raze_them_all

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

Brb got some calls to make.


I generally don't care if women talk about ex's, it's not as if I don't have a past myself

Snakeblood

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

So you'd only want to hear the negative stuff? They were in love with that person...more than likely they were happy. And perhaps your lady is telling you about what they did in bed as a suggestion of what you could try in your own? Maybe she'd like YOU to nail HER in the bum?

I think if my wife told me she was happy some other guy nailed her in the ass, I might go to the shower for my crying time.

livinginkorea

I am always curious to hear about exs...how they met, how they got on, what happened at the end but over a period of time, not all at once. We all have a history coming into a relationship so there is no point pretending it didn't happen.

Eve_Dublin

themadchef wrote: »

I totally agree with you OP.

Sometimes people need to talk to heal, to know that you understand how badly hurt they have been. Talking is healing, it can lead to a closer bond.

That's been my recent experience anyway.

I agree completely. If you're supposed to be there for that person, surely you should be able to talk about one of the most hurtful things that can happen to you...getting your heart broken.

A ban on talking about exes (and I'm not talking all the time...talking about anything all the time is a head wreak) highlights a deep underlying insecurity in my opinion.

Sky King

Snakeblood wrote: »

I think if my wife told me she was happy some other guy nailed her in the ass, I might go to the shower for my crying time.

Nah she wasn't happy about it. In fact she struggled quite a bit.

rambutman

I might be off the mark here but does imagining the sex a current partner had with an ex part not bother a man more and imagining the romance a partner had with an ex not bother a woman more?!! I could be totally wrong but I think if my female partner started gushing about "oh, me and my ex used to have to hottest sex, we used to do x, y and z" - i'd feel it getting under my skin more than a "oh we went here and there, it was soooo romantic, we were so in love" whereas from my experience the latter comment would bother a female partner more.

ibarelycare

I think it's silly to avoid talking about exes. Good or bad, they were a part of your life for a period of time. I wouldn't go on about them all the time but I've no problem talking about the reason we broke up or anything like that. I think finding out bits about your partner's previous relationships gives you an idea of what kind of bf/gf they might be, or what kind of issues might come up.

stovelid

Like everything, it has a time and place.

And most importantly, a limit.

4leto

I had a GF who was engaged and the date was set, then he changed his mind and ended it, it left her heartbroken but more distraught. I start seeing her about 3 years after that, but there was noway she couldn't talk about him and the situations they shared, it was a huge part of her life for the years of her youth. I genuinely never gave a siht, I understood, just like me talking about experiences I had with other people who I grew up with.

Eve_Dublin

stovelid wrote: »

Like everything, it has a time and place.

And most importantly, a limit.

Who decides on this place and time and limit though?

stovelid

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Who decides on this place and time and limit though?

Me.

Of course.

Snakeblood

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Who decides on this place and time and limit though?

Whoever has the lower tolerance in the relationship, I presume. Why would you force a topic that your other half doesn't want to discuss? Unless it's not about the ex, it's about something else. In which case, talk about the other thing.

I'm alright talking about past relationships for the record, I just can see the point of view that people either A) don't want to discuss them or have strict limits on how much they want to hear.

GavRedKing

TBH I dont bring up ex's with my current GF but if she or myself brings up our ex's i dont see a problem.

It all really depends on the context of the conversation though.

Leftist

I forbid it. Don't need to hear about it.

Any mug who sits there listening to their woman telling them how much they loved some idiot is just setting themselves up as a handbag carrier.

livinginkorea

Leftist wrote: »

I forbid it. Don't need to hear about it.

Any mug who sits there listening to their woman telling them how much they loved some idiot is just setting themselves up as a handbag carrier.

If she is saying how much she loved her ex then that could a problem depending on when it's said. I know that my exs loved their exs at some point in time...that would understand why she stayed with some of them for years.

If she is only taking what they did (oh went there with my ex it's a nice city, had that food before, etc) than that's generally fine.

Logical Fallacy

Leftist wrote: »

I forbid it. Don't need to hear about it.

Any mug who sits there listening to their woman telling them how much they loved some idiot is just setting themselves up as a handbag carrier.

lol

You forbid it?

I assume you go back to 1950 to find a woman?

Leftist

livinginkorea wrote: »

If she is saying how much she loved her ex then that could a problem depending on when it's said. I know that my exs loved their exs at some point in time...that would understand why she stayed with some of them for years.

If she is only taking what they did (oh went there with my ex it's a nice city, had that food before, etc) than that's generally fine.

Acceptable, just.

If they start banging on about it too much then a swift sulk usually gets the message across.

it's a massive sign of disrespect in my opinion.

Caveman1

Leftist wrote: »

I forbid it. Don't need to hear about it.

Any mug who sits there listening to their woman telling them how much they loved some idiot is just setting themselves up as a handbag carrier.

Spot on. Why anybody want to hear about there partners ex is beyond me. The thoughts of another bloke with my girlfriend turns my stomach. Some stuff is best kept to yourself.

Kadongy

Never even knew it was supposed to be unacceptable

I think I read somewhere when I was a teenager that they do this as part of transferring feelings from one person to another - so I've always encouraged it, if anything :pac:

Think some people equate "hearing about ex" with "hearing about sex with other people" on this. Never would want to hear about sex with other people. If anyone tries to I tell them to stop making stuff up I know they were virgins before they met me.

Jaxxy

I agree with you Eve, but at the moment I'm on the fence as to whether it's actually helpful when applied to my current relationship. My boyfriend has had one ex, and she's simply referred to as "the ex". I've had a few, so when I refer to mine it's by their first names. In general I have no problem talking about exes, I think it's normal and a sign of a healthy outlook with regard to your past and what happened in your past. You know, like you've learned something and moved on.

He very rarely talks about his ex. At the start of our relationship if I'd be telling a story, or drawing on experience to back up a point in a discussion, I'd drop the name of an ex, purely because they were there at the time, or involved. It was always pertinent to the conversation though, I'd never talk about any of them in a sexual sense to him, I don't think that would be fair and I wouldn't like it done to me. But I did notice that it still makes him uncomfortable, so I've consciously toned it down.

I'm not sure if his hesitance to talk about his ex was out of consideration for me, as naturally I do believe that she was his first "big love" and although I know they broke up years ago, and he is very much over that chapter of his life, perhaps there would be an element of comparison (on my end) if he did talk about her a lot. Being honest, I know more about her through mutual friends and his MOTHER, believe it or not, and a lot of the time I'm not really bothered hearing about it. I've surmised I don't need to know the minutiae of their failed relationship.

Ramble TL;DR, there's nothing wrong with talking about your ex as long as it's not to excess, is relevant to the discussion and isn't being used as a form of manipulation.

Leftist

Kadongy wrote: »

Never even knew it was supposed to be unacceptable

I think I read somewhere when I was a teenager that they do this as part of transferring feelings from one person to another - so I've always encouraged it, if anything :pac:

Anything you read about romance as a teenager you're better off disregarding.

People who bang on about their exs are either not past/over them or they don't really take you seriously, in which case you are a 3rd party keeping them in company until they do (that's not to say they won't fall then for you).

It's hard but you have to put the foot down.

Oh yeah me and billy went to this concert here but ....
Response:
I value your appreciation of me less now, and therefore like you less because I picture you doing the exact same thing with someone else.

Gyalist

While I won't ask about exes neither would I forbid any mention of their name. I already know that I'm the best man that she is ever likely to meet so no ex is going to be a threat to me.

stovelid

It's insecure to 'forbid' it.

People's previous relationships are part of their life, espcially ones that have had some kind of effect, traumatic or otherwise. Part of any new relationship is often wroking through the emotional debris (if any) of the last one.

But there still has to be some kind of mutually agreed limit to how much you revisit another relationship at the expense of the current one.

This applies to the best-case scenario (just being considerate of your current partner's feelings) to the worst-case (when somebody cannot or will not move on from a previous relationship).

ibarelycare

Leftist wrote: »

Anything you read about romance as a teenager you're better off disregarding.

People who bang on about their exs are either not past/over them or they don't really take you seriously, in which case you are a 3rd party keeping them in company until they do (that's not to say they won't fall then for you).

It's hard but you have to put the foot down.

Oh yeah me and billy went to this concert here but ....
Response:
I value your appreciation of me less now, and therefore like you less because I picture you doing the exact same thing with someone else.

Wow you are incredibly insecure and controlling!!!

So what if a girlfriend mentions she's been on holidays to wherever. If you say "Who did you go with?" she has to lie and say it was with someone other than an ex?? Or what if you saw pictures of them together? What if you were with your gf and she bumped into her ex? If your gf was with exes for a total of 5 years, she's basically not allowed talk to you about those 5 years of her life??? That's just pathetic! Talking about an ex doesn't mean you're not over them or are still caught up on them. Being able to discuss them in a casual way is mature and healthy.

PlainP

My current BF does it all the time. Bothers me a bit as I was never one for harping on about my previous relationships but I have learned to take it all with a pinch of salt as I know that he is with me now. Although saying that I don't know how he'd feel if I went on as much about my ex's as he does about his.....different strokes and all that.......

ibarelycare

PlainP wrote: »

My current BF does it all the time. Bothers me a bit as I was never one for harping on about my previous relationships but I have learned to take it all with a pinch of salt as I know that he is with me now. Although saying that I don't know how he'd feel if I went on as much about my ex's as he does about his.....different strokes and all that.......

Comparing your technique with his ex's is a bit much IMO

mathie

Gummy Panda wrote: »

She could just say nail me in the ass.

Do you find that works best for you?

Jaxxy

ibarelycare wrote: »

Wow you are incredibly insecure and controlling!!!

So what if a girlfriend mentions she's been on holidays to wherever. If you say "Who did you go with?" she has to lie and say it was with someone other than an ex?? Or what if you saw pictures of them together? What if you were with your gf and she bumped into her ex? If your gf was with exes for a total of 5 years, she's basically not allowed talk to you about those 5 years of her life??? That's just pathetic! Talking about an ex doesn't mean you're not over them or are still caught up on them. Being able to discuss them in a casual way is mature and healthy.

Putting an outright ban on talking about your past is a bit much IMO. Some men just feel threatened, a lot of the time that feeling is completely irrational, but it ties in to some insecurity and in some cases an obvious inferiority complex.

One of my exes once insisted that I remove all trace evidence of another ex from my facebook; photos from holiday albums and the like. He got seriously bent out of shape over it and it was like he wanted to totally erase that period of my life. I solved the issue by blocking him from my facebook page.

Abi

As a general rule, I think no. I wouldn't want to know someones relationship history, because if it ended / went badly, it just tells me they were a mis-match. While some want to ask questions out of curiosity, I think it could lead to an unfair prejudgement of their character. Not forgetting that there's two sides to every story.


My own situation is a little different in that I've got a nasty separation on my hands, and whether I like it or not he's effecting my life, and it's difficult to keep him out of the equation. So in that case need-to-know basic's applies here, because I can't let on it's not affecting me. I certainly wouldn't want to be judged based on my ex relationship, because I was a different person, and a very unhappy one at that.

PlainP

ibarelycare wrote: »

Comparing your technique with his ex's is a bit much IMO

I've been told my "technique" is the best yet :P

Kadongy

Leftist wrote: »

Anything you read about romance as a teenager you're better off disregarding.

People who bang on about their exs are either not past/over them or they don't really take you seriously, in which case you are a 3rd party keeping them in company until they do (that's not to say they won't fall then for you).

It's hard but you have to put the foot down.

Oh yeah me and billy went to this concert here but ....
Response:
I value your appreciation of me less now, and therefore like you less because I picture you doing the exact same thing with someone else.

Well talking about a subject and banging on about it are different things.

I can tell the difference and so can you. Last girl I was with appeared to be on the rebound. I knew she was still talking to the ex dispite the fact he was clearly still very very attached. This wasn't fair in my opinion and I said that but she didn't care. I didn't find out until the end that she was rubbing her thing with me in his face in the worst possible way. In retrospect the emotional focus for her for the relationship in general appears to have been wrecking her ex's head more than anything much to do with me at all.

I've experienced the "do not talk about ex" thing and it seems silly. I've had gfs more of the time than I haven't in the last decade. It feels absured when you have to edit anecdotes to remove references to a girl who might have been there.

Storminateacup

It's not really a problem in our relationship. We were best friends for years before we got together, so he knows the in's and out's of my previous relationship and knew everything I knew about my previous partner.

It's the same with him, He had been in a relationship for 6 years when we got together. I knew her quite well, and he confided pretty much everything in their relationship with me.

Having said that - I do feel a little sad when I think about how they were together. However, that isn't his fault and I can always reassure myself that even when he was dating her, we always understood each other more than anybody else understood us.

I do hate his ex -- he knows I do, but she did train him well.

luckyfrank

The only time we talk about our ex's is to slag them off, ill slag her's ex she'll slag mine, i always say joe blogs had a lucky escape with you, if i had known then what i knew now......... id have put a bullet in my head

mr kr0nik

The only time there is a problem is when they are one and the same.....

ibarelycare

luckyfrank wrote: »

The only time we talk about our ex's is to slag them off, ill slag her's ex she'll slag mine, i always say joe blogs had a lucky escape with you, if i had then what i knew now......... id have put a bullet in my head

Yeah I get that all the time too! Or if I compliment my bf on how he looks he'll say "Well your last bf looked like a bald 45-year-old Greek man so that doesn't say much for me does it?"

Carter P Fly

IT'S A TRAP!!!!!

Ive made the mistake of falling for that evil trickery of my wife and have answered questions about ex-girlfriends and its now part of her argument arsenal.

Never do it.

She asked me if i wanted to know about any of her ex-s and I just said no and cant comprehend why anyone would ever want to know about your girls ex's if you don't know any of them.

luckyfrank

Worst has to be if you make plans to go for a weekend break or resturant, and you get ' were you here with your ex' remark, NO I WASNT HEAR WITH ME FECKIN EX