The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover · 21-10-2011 12:52PM

chughes wrote: »

We need a Gaddafi joke like a hole in the head

(just like Muammar's one )

Ha ha, yes side-splitting.

CorsetIsTight · 21-10-2011 01:17PM

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people show up for the tryout. One is a handsome lad in his mid-20s and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it -- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pace and then begins to charge her. When he's covered about half the distance between them she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick upwards, over her calves to her knees, at which point she leans down and scratches him behind his ear. The lion squirms in pleasure and then rests his head on her feet.

The circus owner is gaping in shock and he says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Galway K9 · 21-10-2011 03:47PM

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]"Two Martinis, bitte."

"Dry?"

"Nein, I said TWO!" [/FONT]

stevejazzx · 21-10-2011 04:02PM

The barman says "sorry we don't serve neutrinos in here"

Two neutrinos go into a bar.

sean1141 · 21-10-2011 05:29PM

I see someone stole 100 bottles of Tipex from the store room....

Big mistake!!

At last, after years of atrocities and the appalling treatment of millions, it's over. Details are still sketchy, but finally...

...Westlife are splitting up!!!!

sean1141 · 21-10-2011 05:29PM

A guy is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's got a uniform on,she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for,

thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto - "We love to fly and it shows".

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto - "'Winning the hearts of the world".

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto - "Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him sternly and says "What the f**k is it you want?"

"Ah ", he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair".

MungBean · 21-10-2011 05:37PM

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/684/antistevejobsjokesrick.jpg/

Canard · 21-10-2011 05:49PM

it was this sort of grammar mistakes that gave me cancer.

Mongarra · 21-10-2011 06:02PM

Husband and wife shopping in supermarket. He puts 12-pack of Heineken in trolley as they were on special offer - only €10. She tells him to put them back on shelf as they couldn't afford it. After more shopping she puts a jar of face cream in trolley. He tells her to put it back as they couldn't afford it. "It's only €20 and it makes my face look beautiful" she says. He replies "So will 12 cans of Heineken and they're only half the price".

Kippure · 21-10-2011 06:10PM

Whats he differance between Martin MacGuiness and Dana?
Dana can remember all her Hits!

barone · 21-10-2011 08:47PM

Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the
phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout
to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my Goodness!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?

Is this 486-5731?"

No, this is 486-5713.....

Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!

punk77 · 22-10-2011 02:59AM

An 82 year old man goes into a confession box.

"Father," he says, "believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."

"Are you not here to express remorse for your sinful ways?" says the priest.

"Certainly not,father" replies the old man.

"Then,in the name of God,why are you telling me?"

"Father,I’m telling everybody!"

luckyfrank · 22-10-2011 03:08AM

Woman walks into a police station sobing uncontrollably the officer comes over and says 'are your alrite missus is everything ok' the woman replies in a trembing voice ' officer officer ive being graped' officer replies ' oh dont you mean you've being raped' no she said there was a bunch of them

HalloweenJack · 22-10-2011 08:07AM

Why was the transvestite afraid to to go the hospital after he was hit by a bus?

'Cause his knickers didn't match his bra.

ericl · 22-10-2011 09:03AM

Good news for insomniacs -

only 3 more sleeps 'til Christmas.

Kippure · 23-10-2011 01:57PM

When i was just a little girl...

I asked my mother what will i be.....

Will i be pretty..

Will i be rich....

Here,s what she said to me..

SON, WE NEED TO TALK!

Paddy ,s been arrested for punching his wife again. The judge asked him, why do you keep beating your wife? Paddy said I thinks its my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork....

senorwipesalot · 23-10-2011 04:25PM

Three mortuary attendants discovered a dead man with a hard on.

The first one said, "I can't let that go to waste" so she climbed on and had a ride.

The second one did the same.

The third attendant hesitated and explained she was in the middle of her period but encouraged by her friends, she finally did the same.

Suddenly the man sat up.

The women were very embarrassed and apologize saying they thought he was dead.

The man replied, "I was but two jump starts and a blood transfusion made all the difference

Alibaba · 23-10-2011 04:59PM

A.I.D.S = Ass Infected - Don't Screw

sgb · 23-10-2011 05:33PM

If the answer to the question is cockrobin, what's the question?

What's that up my arse Batman

sean1141 · 24-10-2011 01:54PM

I just picked €500 up from the bookies

Had a double on Gaddaffi and Man U to get murdered in the same week

barone · 24-10-2011 07:52PM

Two Magistrates are done for speeding. They get their court date, but it's wrong.

They're there a day early and nobody else is around.

They decide to hear each others cases, so one goes on the bench, and one goes in the dock.

The first one says, "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said, "You're fined a fiver."

They swapped places. The first one says "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said. "I'm giving you 6 months in prison." The other fella said "Hang on a minute, I only gave you a fine." He said "I know, but this is the second case of speeding we've had today and it's got to stop."

5live · 24-10-2011 08:05PM

sean1141 wrote: »

I just picked €500 up from the bookies

Had a double on Gaddaffi and Man U to get murdered in the same week

Wasnt that on the six-one news last night?

beertons · 24-10-2011 11:07PM

Whats the difference between Martin McGuinness and Dana?

Nobody remembers any of Dana's hits.

niallo27 · 25-10-2011 03:46PM

I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate.They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.I knew there and then, she was the one.

RichieC · 25-10-2011 03:54PM

What's your oulwans favourite luis stop? Fatima.

/coat

MetalDog · 26-10-2011 08:39AM

One day at a golf club, a man and a stranger were put together to play in a tournament. The man was talking about his life, what he did for a living and so on. He then asked the stranger:

"what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a trained assassin"

The stranger could see the doubt in the man's face, so pulled out a very well-kept rifle, fitted with a scope and a large magazine. He handed it to the man, and he aimed down the sight,

"wow! I can see my house from here! And oh look, there's my wife, and my neighbour.... and they're having sex... How much do you charge?"

"it's €1000 every time I pull the trigger"

"Right ok, I want you to shoot my wife in the face, and my neighbour in the penis".

After 5 minutes of aiming, the man finally complained.

"C'mon, I'm paying you one grand for this!"

"One sec.... Just trying to save you a thousand quid"

Voodoomelon · 26-10-2011 12:26PM

You mean two grand! :P

daithieoghan · 26-10-2011 12:30PM

It wasn't surprising to hear about the jellybaby with the STD, she was sleeping with all sorts

Ramza · 26-10-2011 12:52PM

Did ya hear about the man who was in an accident and lost the whole left side of his body?

He was alright

I might be a bit off on some of the details in the next one so had to try me best :pac:

An employee for a big business has to spend the day with the CEO from another big firm, to discuss business proceedings etc. Thie CEO just so happens to be Japanese. The employee is rattling his brains the day before, trying to think of some way to impress the big CEO. The employee happens to have a japanese girlfriend, and during sex she usually screams at the top of her voice "Ishigami! Ishigami!". The employee is obviously delighted with himself

The next day the employee meets the CEO, and they get on great. They are playing a round of golf, when the CEO finishes in amazing fashion. The employee is thinking of something to say to impress him at this stage, so he shouts "Ishigami, IshigamI!!!!"

The CEO turns around with a big frown, and says in an angered voice "What do you mean wrong hole!?" :pac:

Pdfile · 26-10-2011 12:59PM

i came on my wifes tits last night,

her kids where not happy...

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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