Single invite to wedding

Bride2012 · 03-09-2011 10:38AM

TonyStark wrote: »

HairMonster wrote: »

TonyStark wrote: »

I look on marriage myself as a celebration of love. Not a memorable day out for just two people. At my wedding my priority is for the guests to have a good day as well as us so that we all walk away with good memories.

Sacrifices have to be made and this usually involves culling guests you are not close to. Otherwise you go into debt or don't have the wedding at all.
.

That's a bit extreme, culling people.

Do you hire contract killers down the local ra den?! Or is it more apt because of the occasion to get in the Colombians.?!

On a less facetious point. If there is a danger of them not covering their cost then they should not be invited at all, whoever they are.

Personally I think it's in the main more profitable to have a couple at the wedding. My standard gift to people who aren't close family is 150 from both of us. Standard meal is 30 per person so profit would be 90.

If I were to go on my own would be inclined to put 100 in the envelope, leaving 70 profit for for the happy couple.

You could argue that two single invitations would yield more, but would they be as inclined as a couple to goto a wedding.... on their own? It's only if people goto a wedding they stump up serious cash.

The system breaks down if the meal was something outlandish and when people don't pay their way and give a gift.. Which happens more often than not.

Standard wedding per head is usually nowhere near €30. Anyway the guest list is about who you want there, not how much money you can claw back. It's a wedding, not a business venture.cal ra den?! Or is it more apt because of the occasion to get in the Colombians.?!

On a less facetious point. If there is a danger of them not covering their cost then they should not be invited at all, whoever they are.

Personally I think it's in the main more profitable to have a couple at the wedding. My standard gift to people who aren't close family is 150 from both of us. Standard meal is 30 per person so profit would be 90.

If I were to go on my own would be inclined to put 100 in the envelope, leaving 70 profit for for the happy couple.

You could argue that two single invitations would yield more, but would they be as inclined as a couple to goto a wedding.... on their own? It's only if people goto a wedding they stump up serious cash.

The system breaks down if the meal was something outlandish and when people don't pay their way and give a gift.. Which happens more often than not.[/Quote]

Standard wedding per head is usually nowhere near €30. Anyway the guest list is about who you want there, not how much money you can claw back. It's a wedding, not a business venture.

TonyStark · 03-09-2011 10:57AM

Bride2012 wrote: »

Standard wedding per head is usually nowhere near €30. Anyway the guest list is about who you want there, not how much money you can claw back. It's a wedding, not a business venture.

Well no one wants to be in the poorhouse over it either.

Of course the guest list is about who you want there. Personally I would try to be as inclusive as possible with a wedding making sure everyone either knew someone there or had the opportunity to bring someone to make the day easier on them.

HairMonster · 04-09-2011 03:05PM

TonyStark wrote: »

Well no one wants to be in the poorhouse over it either.

Thats the point I've been trying to make to you from the start

TonyStark wrote: »

If there is a danger of them not covering their cost then they should not be invited at all, whoever they are.

..... ?!??!???!??!!?!?!! I'm in shock. If your brother or best friend was unemployed and you thought he couldn't afford a gift, you wouldn't invite them?????

I find your attitude to inviting guests very strange - you think its wrong not to give a +1 to everyone even if you barely know them, yet you believe you shouldn't invite anyone who won't give a big gift regardless of how close you are to them.... Are you organising a wedding or a fund raiser???

Most people would like to be able to afford to cover their cost but in reality not everyone can afford it... as Bride2012 says, €30 per head is a huge underestimate, and that's just the food - don't forget the wine, band, DJ and all the other extras you get as a guest. Also some people prefer to give a gift instead of money and others don't see the need to give a gift at all.

You cannot and should not expect to cover your cost from gifts. Its a very cynical way of making your guestlist. A wedding is about celebrating your love, and most people want to share it with family & friends they're close to, not their richest acquaintances....

Gatica · 04-09-2011 07:37PM

I think 30 a head is a gross underestimate of what a wedding costs. The stats collected by Mrs2be website show that the meal costs alone are evenly spread statistically, i.e. food pp in the 35-50 mark, 50-70 and >70 euro pp make up about 20-30% of weddings each. That means that well over 60% of weddings spend over 30 euro per person on food alone, then you have to add in other overhead such as drink with meal, toast, reception snacks and evening snacks (unless these were somehow part of of that estimate, but doesn't sound like it).
Gathering from posts about what people give on average at weddings, I think most people at our weddings will barely cover the cost of their presence. I certainly do not resent that as I already know that that's quite likely and is not my reason for inviting or not inviting them. I want them there whether they cover "their costs" or not.

EDIT/
looks like we've gone a bit off topic here. Weddings are expensive, most people try to cut costs by inviting those they want there, in this case they want the OP at the wedding but not a stranger from a +1; as already said they may be unaware you're apprehensive about not knowing the people there too well. The only way to solve that is to say you feel uncomfortable, either they'll let you bring someone or maybe try to introduce you to some friends that will be there on the day, say, at the hen, for example...

kandr10 · 04-09-2011 10:18PM

yvonne23 wrote: »

I do not feel that I should be made feel uncomfortable and like a third wheel to people just because I am single!
If I had a boyfriend that they did not know or like too much he would still be going I presume so why can I not take someone to make me feel at ease for day?

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why +1's arent always issued but is it too much to ask that your guests are comfortabl and enjoy your day?
Ps is is not protocol tomake sure your wedding gift more than pays for your and guests meal? If so what's the problem with guest if you more thancompensate them for it?

But wouldn't it just mean that the random friend you bring along would be even more awkward than you? Why put them through it? I think if I was in your situation, with an OH or not, it'd be awkward. You'd just feel like a pair of spare tools instead of one!

As regards covering the cost of the meal etc...granted you do get cash gifts which are more than generous but we definitely had people who couldn't afford to give us gifts (which we didn't care about cos they weren't invited for their gift). Point is, when you're planning a wedding you really can't rely on the generosity of your guests to pay for it. Besides, with a lot of hotels offering packages these days, there's often a cap on numbers. You just don't know the circumstances the b&g were in so just go and enjoy it!

05-09-2011 11:21AM

We send out single invitations, but I will phone and tell people they can bring a plus 1 if they want, the reason we are doing that is because some people don't have a plus 1 and we don't want to put people under pressure to bring someone if they don't know someone to invite. It was my partner who made me aware of this as I had never though you might be making someone feel awkward if they don't have anyone to bring.

TonyStark · 05-09-2011 01:02PM

HairMonster wrote: »

Thats the point I've been trying to make to you from the start

..... ?!??!???!??!!?!?!! I'm in shock. If your brother or best friend was unemployed and you thought he couldn't afford a gift, you wouldn't invite them?????

You cannot and should not expect to cover your cost from gifts. Its a very cynical way of making your guestlist. A wedding is about celebrating your love, and most people want to share it with family & friends they're close to, not their richest acquaintances....

But my brother and best friend aren't unemployed... if they couldn't afford to go then I would just have to accept that... I might loan them some money for a pound of flesh like the monster you make me out to be...

Perhaps we are of a different makeup and the circle of friends that we both have. Anyone that I know that has got married has admitted of turning over a "profit" for the day.

I think that's acceptable to get a good start off in life. If you want to be soft enough and have a great day and end up penniless, that's your business and your welcome to it, but this is off topic IMHO. You won't convince me otherewise.

kandr10 · 05-09-2011 06:12PM

TonyStark wrote: »

Perhaps we are of a different makeup and the circle of friends that we both have. Anyone that I know that has got married has admitted of turning over a "profit" for the day.

But is it not a bit silly to completely count on 'turning a profit' in the planning stage, and end up inviting more (strangers) than you can afford?

solovely · 06-09-2011 02:24PM

I agree with the OP.

I think lots of couples get so wrapped up in the day being all about them, that they overlook the happiness of the guests they have invited to share their special day.

Weddings can be hard enough and akward enough for single people at the best of times....hello, it's a day all about love and romance and here you are, one of 4-5 single people in a room full of love and romance, not nice at the best of times, but then to have it rubbed in your face, by being asked alone (and even worse being put on a table plan with your full name while all the happy couples get listed as John & Mary, Ann & Paul, etc).

So, come on, for the sake of the 4-5 singles you are inviting, have a bit of cop on and sensitivity and at least make them feel a bit less like a loner and add a +1! As people have said, you'll be compensated money wise so get over it!! Chances are they won't bring anyone anyway, but will feel a bit less put out.

To be honest, I've personally never brought a +1, as I'm a confident and outgoing person and usually go to weddings with a bunch of mates, but if it was a wedding where I didn't know anyone, I would be seriously peeved. It's like saying you are less worthwhile than your other mates, just cos you don't have a boyfriend/ girlfriend.

That argument of not wanting complete strangers at your wedding is bull, as how many people know all the boyfriend/ girlfriends of all their guests??? Very few I'd say! Plus, were I ever to feel the need to bring a +1 to a wedding (i.e. a wedding where I didn't know lots of other people), I'd make sure it was someone the couple knew and felt comfortable with, or else I'd run it by them first.

I do get that some people feel like they have to bring someone when they get a +1 invite. So, like MariaAlice suggested, it's nice to have a word with the singles and say they're welcome to bring one but not expected to. My friend did it the other way around though (as it makes me look like a lot less of a loner with the invite on the mantlepiece), she invited me with a +1 but told me to please not feel obliged to bring anyone. I won't be bringing anyone, but it's nice to know I could!

kandr10 · 06-09-2011 08:25PM

solovely wrote: »

That argument of not wanting complete strangers at your wedding is bull, as how many people know all the boyfriend/ girlfriends of all their guests??? Very few I'd say! Plus, were I ever to feel the need to bring a +1 to a wedding (i.e. a wedding where I didn't know lots of other people), I'd make sure it was someone the couple knew and felt comfortable with, or else I'd run it by them first.

If it was someone they knew and wanted there they would have sent them an invite to start with. I take your point that you defo don't know every guest that well. Generally most people want to keep that list of people they don't know to a minimum and you only invite the ones you 'have to', -for the sake of family politics etc. It's seriously hard to draw up a list for people to invite, so trust me, it's not the b&g thinking the day is all about them. It's about trying to please everyone - your parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, friends and maybe priest! So forgive us if friends of friends come way down that list. It's just impossible to please everyone.
I'd like to reiterate as well that you can't plan for how many people will say yes to the invite, what they will or won't give as a gift, or whether they choose to bring a +1. If you provide a +1 you have to be sure you have a seat for them.

Gatica · 07-09-2011 11:41AM

I think +1's for every single friend that may bring someone with them is overkill. Weddings are not cheap and if you've already to fork out close to a 100 pp for them to be there - let's just say you don't want to spend half a thousand euro just so 5 of your single friends can feel less left out with couples around them. People who don't know the couple are never gonna give large sums of money for a wedding, and you couldn't really expect them to, so you're out a lot of money for the sake of those few people.
As mentioned before, table plans usually take singles into considration, putting them at fun tables or with other singles to mingle with. It may only still be an issue with a shy friend who knows absolutely noone at the wedding, in which case it can be made the exception, but not the rule, to include a +1.

08-09-2011 03:31AM

Gatica wrote: »

Weddings are not cheap and if you've already to fork out close to a 100 pp for them to be there - let's just say you don't want to spend half a thousand euro just so 5 of your single friends can feel less left out with couples around them.

Attending weddings isn't cheap either. 400/500 euro is a typical enough expense for me.
It is not a matter of having to make small talk for a couple of hours. They are long drawn out days, and you have no control over how people will interact.
IMO if your going to ask someone to such an expensive event. The least you can do is offer a little consideration to their comfort and enjoyment of your day. Give them the option of having company.
It is just basic decency.

Gatica · 08-09-2011 09:25AM

fair enough, it's a longer day than just sitting down to dinner; however, it's the couples prerogative on who to invite and the guest's to decline if they don't feel comfortable.

seamus · 08-09-2011 09:36AM

Moonbaby wrote: »

IMO if your going to ask someone to such an expensive event. The least you can do is offer a little consideration to their comfort and enjoyment of your day. Give them the option of having company.
It is just basic decency.

I think most people are fairly agreed on this. If someone is a single, but all or most of their friends will be attending the wedding, then a +1 is unnecessary.

However, if someone is single and doesn't know anyone, or only knows one or two people to see, then a +1 would be respectful. It is a long day, but people are also generally very friendly and accomodating in my experience and will basically talk to anyone and "look after" someone who appears to be there on their tod.

There are also more practical problems that if you give someone a +1, they may intentionally bring along someone that you specifically didn't invite to the wedding, or they may unwittingly bring along the bride or groom's ex or whatever.

solovely · 08-09-2011 09:51AM

Gatica wrote: »

fair enough, it's a longer day than just sitting down to dinner; however, it's the couples prerogative on who to invite and the guest's to decline if they don't feel comfortable.

And we all know what the backlash would be if an invited guest decided not to come for that reason....they would be made out to be selfish and overreacting.

Some couples see their wedding day as a spectator event with guests there to watch them enjoy their special day. Others see it as a sharing occasion where they invite people to come along and have a great day WITH them. Depends on what type of couple you are really. It is YOUR day, but surely your enjoyment of it is dependent on the happiness of those you invite?

I think most people are fairly agreed on this. If someone is a single, but all or most of their friends will be attending the wedding, then a +1 is unnecessary.

Agreed Seamus. Unnecessary, but considerate all the same (accompanied by a quiet word saying please don't feel the need to bring someone just because).

There are also more practical problems that if you give someone a +1, they may intentionally bring along someone that you specifically didn't invite to the wedding, or they may unwittingly bring along the bride or groom's ex or whatever..

Come on now, seriously??? Who would do that? And if they were that spiteful, why would you invite them in the first place......although I did have an ex who was invited with a +1 to the same wedding as I was. We'd broken up about 3 months before the wedding. I brought no-one, he brought my other ex....I kid you not!

seamus · 08-09-2011 10:39AM

solovely wrote: »

Come on now, seriously??? Who would do that? And if they were that spiteful, why would you invite them in the first place......although I did have an ex who was invited with a +1 to the same wedding as I was. We'd broken up about 3 months before the wedding. I brought no-one, he brought my other ex....I kid you not!

I assume you're referring to the last paragraph in my post.
All I can say is never take anything for granted.

Someone who's never been married or even involved in a wedding before often won't understand the mindset of the couple. To them it's no different to a party in someone's house, just a little more formal. So if they have some leeway in terms of who they choose, they may be less careful than the couple would.

So Friend A may be invited, but friend B isn't. Friend A knows that you know friend B, but aren't really "close" buddies and that's probably why she's not invited to the wedding. So she brings along friend B because she thinks you won't mind - sure you know friend B, it's OK.
What friend A doesn't know is that you consider friend B to be a bit of a nosy weirdo, have never really considered her anything past an acquaintance, and specifically didn't invite her because one night she tried to convince your fiancé to go home with her.

On the ex thing, Ireland is a small place. You could invite a work colleague, give them a +1, and they bring along a friend from home, who just so happens to be your ex. The colleague is unaware of the relationship and the ex only knows he's going to "John & Lisa's wedding" and doesn't actually cop it until you clap eyes on eachother...awkward.

solovely · 08-09-2011 10:50AM

seamus wrote: »

I assume you're referring to the last paragraph in my post.
All I can say is never take anything for granted.

Someone who's never been married or even involved in a wedding before often won't understand the mindset of the couple. To them it's no different to a party in someone's house, just a little more formal. So if they have some leeway in terms of who they choose, they may be less careful than the couple would.

So Friend A may be invited, but friend B isn't. Friend A knows that you know friend B, but aren't really "close" buddies and that's probably why she's not invited to the wedding. So she brings along friend B because she thinks you won't mind - sure you know friend B, it's OK.
What friend A doesn't know is that you consider friend B to be a bit of a nosy weirdo, have never really considered her anything past an acquaintance, and specifically didn't invite her because one night she tried to convince your fiancé to go home with her.

On the ex thing, Ireland is a small place. You could invite a work colleague, give them a +1, and they bring along a friend from home, who just so happens to be your ex. The colleague is unaware of the relationship and the ex only knows he's going to "John & Lisa's wedding" and doesn't actually cop it until you clap eyes on eachother...awkward.

Sorry, yep, wrong quote, fixed now.

I think the situation you're describing is a bit of an extreme one to be fair!! I know Ireland is small, but come on....

Plus, I know I for one, and I imagine most other singles, would OK it with the bride and groom before bringing a +1...their name needs to go on the seating plan and all of that. As I said, I have personally never brought a +1 to a wedding (gone to at least 8 solo), but if the situation were to arise where I felt the need to bring one, I'd make sure it was someone the bride and groom knew and felt comfortable with. I'd imagine most singles would be the same.

In the situation of my ex bringing another ex (2 guys obviously), they OKed it with me and the bride and groom first. I did think it was weird, but then everyone on the day thought they were weird too!

kandr10 · 08-09-2011 01:28PM

solovely wrote: »

And we all know what the backlash would be if an invited guest decided not to come for that reason....they would be made out to be selfish and overreacting.

Some couples see their wedding day as a spectator event with guests there to watch them enjoy their special day. Others see it as a sharing occasion where they invite people to come along and have a great day WITH them. Depends on what type of couple you are really. It is YOUR day, but surely your enjoyment of it is dependent on the happiness of those you invite?

Agreed Seamus. Unnecessary, but considerate all the same (accompanied by a quiet word saying please don't feel the need to bring someone just because).

Obviously everyone's different but I don't know any couple who would think a guest selfish for turning down an invite. It happens at every wedding - it's expected that some people won't make it - for whatever reason.

As someone mentioned, it IS expensive for a guest to attend a wedding, so why in God's name would anyone expect an acquaintance/ friend through a friend to put themselves out?

I also don't see the benefit in giving a +1 accompanied by a quiet word. Give a +1 or don't. Leave it at that.

Honey-ec · 10-09-2011 10:28AM

I'm clearly in the minority here, but I think it's the height of rudeness not to give all your guests the option of a +1. I would never have dreamed of it when we were planning our wedding.

A friend who's getting married next year has put the nose of another friend extremely out of joint by only giving her a single invite, and I can't say I blame her. She has acknowledged that she would more than likely attend the wedding on her own anyway, but she should at least be given the option.

Also, just a note on the wedding etiquette websites - a lot of them are American, where the etiquette is completely different to here. Bridesmaids pay for their own dresses there, etc.

magneticimpulse · 10-09-2011 12:19PM

Joe10000 wrote: »

If are not with someone then a +1 cannot be expected and there is no need to be miffed. Weddings are the easiest events to socialise at so I would look forward to it if I was you.

I think this is really bad form.

I am single and always get a +1 invite. I either bring my brother (if its a family wedding) or a female friend (if its a mutual friend). The female friend is usually someone which the Bride etc knows and has been on nights out but not well enough to invite to the wedding....therefore it is not a complete strangers. If people you know getting married are part of the Wedding party itself, i think it is very bad form to leave your "friends" by themselve all day.

I see no difference as to why single people should be treated any differently to people in couples. Its hard enough being single at events like these let alone have your friends stab you in the back and make you go completely alone!!!

Also to attend a wedding as single person is very expensive. If the wedding is not close by or has no bus after to get home...you are expected to fork out for a double room and pay the full costs. Also for petrol money attending the wedding if its miles away...at least if you go with a friend you can split the cost. Also you feel mean only being able to give 70 - 100 euro gift as a single person compared to a couple of 150 euro (but they get to split the costs between them).

magneticimpulse · 10-09-2011 12:21PM

kandr10 wrote: »

There's no way we were giving +1s to single people. Not to be mean or harsh but I didn't want some random stranger at my wedding, not least with the cost involved. It can be quite difficult cost wise to keep things down, like a lot of people won't have cousins or might relegate some friends to the 'afters'. So while it's not all about money...why should they pay for your friend to be there?
Besides, you'd be less likely to mingle if you were with someone who also may not know a lot of people there. Enjoy yourself and look forward to meeting up or catching up with people!

That is so mean, what a horrible way to treat your friends. Usually people pay and if a single person came with a friend they would usually still give a money gift of around 150 euro so its not like you will be out of pocket. I am happy my friends are not that mean.

magneticimpulse · 10-09-2011 12:33PM

HairMonster wrote: »

The problem is that its not just a matter of 1 extra person, you have to do it for ALL singles or family invitations, and that really adds up.

If the couple can't afford to invite a +1 for you and may not have close friends there (but you will know people), would you prefer not to be invited at all?

This is a genuine question to single people here, because we can't afford to invite everyone who thinks they should be invited and we'll have to cut numbers. All weddings have a budget, and usually go over, so saying "I'd rather a +1" is a given but simply not an option!! It never entered my head not to invite someone just because they were single, but if people are offended by not getting a +1 would they really prefer not to go at all?

This is not a good arguement....what if all your friends happened to be in couples and therefore no single people??? You would have to cut it down to closer friends right? Well I see this as no different. You should consider all your friends with +1 and then just invite the closest people. I think its really mean to stab single people in the back.

Its bad enough that a couple have found true love, are really happy and loved up (which by all means is great)....but think of the single people who have not been so lucky to find that other person?? Then you expect them to go alone, just to rub it in more??? It is very selfish not to consider that they will feel like a gooseberry turning up to a "couples" event alone.

HairMonster · 10-09-2011 05:27PM

I'm a little surprised at the number of people who are disgusted by the "selfishness" of the couples (who, lets remember, are the ones paying a small fortune for the wedding and would like for you to celebrate with them), yet don't see how they could also be considered selfish by expecting the couple to add a few grand to their costs so they can cover +1s, full family invitations etc.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

This is not a good arguement....what if all your friends happened to be in couples and therefore no single people??? You would have to cut it down to closer friends right? Well I see this as no different. You should consider all your friends with +1 and then just invite the closest people.

It might not be a "good" argument, but it is the reality. Most people cannot afford the wedding they would love to have.

Of course you consider close friends first. The problem is that you don't add people to your list 1 by 1, you have to consider their peers. Its not a matter of picking X more people... what happens is you realise "if I invite A, then I will have to invite B, C and D also". This is how guest lists grow exponentially and have to be cut down to stop going way over budget.

You say in another post that weddings are expensive for guests. As you are cost-conscious, then surely you can see this from the couples point of view too. Increasing your guest list is not simply adding the cost of 1 more person - giving +1s to everyone could easily add over a grand to the total...

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I think its really mean to stab single people in the back.
Its bad enough that a couple have found true love, are really happy and loved up (which by all means is great)....but think of the single people who have not been so lucky to find that other person?? Then you expect them to go alone, just to rub it in more??? It is very selfish not to consider that they will feel like a gooseberry turning up to a "couples" event alone.

It sounds from your visceral reaction that you clearly have had a bad experience. No-one intends to "stab single people in the back" or "rub it in".

Most couples are a lot more considerate than you give credit for. Any couple will tell you, guest lists are one of the main sources of stress. We'd all love to invite everyone but the bank account says no, so you have the impossible task of deciding who to take off the list and most likely offending someone by doing so.

No normal couple would dream of inviting a single friend who will know nobody else. I'm sure most would even like to ensure no couple would not know anyone else (which is how we end up in the "if we invite A..." situation above). What we are talking about are the singles in groups of friends who know each other and the entire group will be invited. In fact, if the singles in the group had to invite +1s, surely that's worse on the +1s who know no-one and would essentially be playing gooseberry within the group of friends?

I notice you didn't answer my question, which was specifically for people like you who are offended at single invite.
Clearly you would prefer a +1 invite but that was not the question - if circumstances meant you were going to be invited on your own, would you rather not be invited at all?
(In answering, bear in mind couples are not the monsters you make out and are not out to get you. Most normal couples will only consider single invitations when you will have other friends there there also. So no, you will not be "completely alone")

magneticimpulse · 10-09-2011 06:53PM

HairMonster wrote: »

I'm a little surprised at the number of people who are disgusted by the "selfishness" of the couples (who, lets remember, are the ones paying a small fortune for the wedding and would like for you to celebrate with them), yet don't see how they could also be considered selfish by expecting the couple to add a few grand to their costs so they can cover +1s, full family invitations etc.

It might not be a "good" argument, but it is the reality. Most people cannot afford the wedding they would love to have.

Of course you consider close friends first. The problem is that you don't add people to your list 1 by 1, you have to consider their peers. Its not a matter of picking X more people... what happens is you realise "if I invite A, then I will have to invite B, C and D also". This is how guest lists grow exponentially and have to be cut down to stop going way over budget.

You say in another post that weddings are expensive for guests. As you are cost-conscious, then surely you can see this from the couples point of view too. Increasing your guest list is not simply adding the cost of 1 more person - giving +1s to everyone could easily add over a grand to the total...

It sounds from your visceral reaction that you clearly have had a bad experience. No-one intends to "stab single people in the back" or "rub it in".

Most couples are a lot more considerate than you give credit for. Any couple will tell you, guest lists are one of the main sources of stress. We'd all love to invite everyone but the bank account says no, so you have the impossible task of deciding who to take off the list and most likely offending someone by doing so.

No normal couple would dream of inviting a single friend who will know nobody else. I'm sure most would even like to ensure no couple would not know anyone else (which is how we end up in the "if we invite A..." situation above). What we are talking about are the singles in groups of friends who know each other and the entire group will be invited. In fact, if the singles in the group had to invite +1s, surely that's worse on the +1s who know no-one and would essentially be playing gooseberry within the group of friends?

I notice you didn't answer my question, which was specifically for people like you who are offended at single invite.
Clearly you would prefer a +1 invite but that was not the question - if circumstances meant you were going to be invited on your own, would you rather not be invited at all?
(In answering, bear in mind couples are not the monsters you make out and are not out to get you. Most normal couples will only consider single invitations when you will have other friends there there also. So no, you will not be "completely alone")

Let's also not forget that most people give a cash gift to cover the expense of their meal. To get married only costs €150 for a marriage license. Anything/cost on top of that 150 euro is optional. The couple therefore has control as to how much they chose to spend. However the guests have to go along with majority of plans regardless of the costs. Sure they are not forced to go, but they have little choice as oppose the bride/groom who as I said chose to spend extra over the 150 euro it actually costs to get married.

I would prefer no invite if I was not given the option to have a +1.

I never had a bad experience with a Wedding because I was always got +1 invite. The issue about single versus couples came up with Work Christmas Parties. The company said that only real couples could come because they considered the partners to help and support the employee throughout the year. However the single people in the company kicked up a fuss because they considered some best friends equally gave them support during the year to cope with work. We saw it as discrimmination. Just because we are not having sex with a particular person, didnt mean that our close friends did any less of a job as a partner (minus the sex).

So for Weddings I see it no different. I think single people should be given the choice to bring a guest. They either bring one or they dont. Luckily my couple friends know me well enough to invite me with a +1 guest. Id rather not go if I had to sit in the Church alone/at dinner table with couples I dont know.

As for suggesting I would know the other people? Well here is an example of my situations:

Family Weddings: I know the family members, only cousins of same age to couple are invited (not all cousins). I know my aunties/uncles. Have not seen cousins in 20 years etc. I end up on the table with cousins who are all "couples". Lucky I get +1 and I invite my brother (who is a younger cousin and therefore not invited).

Housemate Weddings: We lived in another town, they move back to London....therefore I do not know anyone else at the wedding.

Friends Weddings: They have also moved...made new friends/lost friends over the years. Therefore I do not know their current friends/work colleagues.

Also for all of these Weddings the main people I know is the Bride or Groom. The next people have been chosen as part of the Bridal party. I have been invited as female guest of the bridesmaids...but that still ends up going to church alone and sitting at a table alone with couples you have nothing in common with and who's girlfriends keep giving me dirty eyes because Im an attractive single girl at a table (this has even happened with my cousins girlfriends...who didnt realise I was a relation).

In this case of being the bridesmaids guest, I actually invited another friend who came to the afters and shared the double bedroom with me. While I went to the wedding the other friend went to spa etc and met us at the afters. That way I was not completely alone for the whole day and had someone to share the room with.

HairMonster · 10-09-2011 07:20PM

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Id rather not go if I had to sit in the Church alone/at dinner table with couples I dont know.

You have purposely ignored the point I made that you would not be left to sit alone with couples you didn't know... as I said if you really didn't know anyone, you would of course get a +1.
So would you still really prefer not to be invited if you were going as a single but would be with a group of your friends??? It sure sounds better than those experiences when you did have a +1...

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I never had a bad experience with a Wedding because I was always got +1 invite.
[...]
As for suggesting I would know the other people? Well here is an example of my situations:

Family Weddings: I know the family members, only cousins of same age to couple are invited (not all cousins). I know my aunties/uncles. Have not seen cousins in 20 years etc. I end up on the table with cousins who are all "couples". Lucky I get +1 and I invite my brother (who is a younger cousin and therefore not invited).

Housemate Weddings: We lived in another town, they move back to London....therefore I do not know anyone else at the wedding.

School friends Weddings: They have also moved...made new friends/lost friends over the years. Therefore I do not know their current friends/work colleagues.

Also for all of these Weddings the main people I know is the Bride or Groom. The next people have been chosen as part of the Bridal party. I have been invited as female guest of the bridesmaids...but that still ends up going to church alone and sitting at a table alone with couples you have nothing in common with and who's girlfriends keep giving me dirty eyes because Im an attractive single girl at a table (this has even happened with my cousins girlfriends...who didnt realise I was a relation)

Well, that sounds like a lot of bad experiences at wedding when you did have a +1 invitation, so I can't see how it could be any worse to not have a +1, especially when couples try to put the singles with a group of their friends which sounds like a lot more fun than the bad situations you ended up in when your +1 was expected to be your company. In fact, your last situation you were the +1 and you felt very uncomfortable - surely it would have been better not to have had the +1 at all?? Unless you want a +1 for the +1....

magneticimpulse · 10-09-2011 07:26PM

HairMonster wrote: »

You have purposely ignored the point I made that you would not be left to sit alone with couples you didn't know... as I said if you really didn't know anyone, you would of course get a +1.
So would you still really prefer not to be invited if you were going as a single but would be with a group of your friends??? It sure sounds better than those experiences when you did have a +1...

Well, that sounds like a lot of bad experiences at wedding when you did have a +1 invitation, so I can't see how it could be any worse to not have a +1, especially when couples try to put the singles with a group of their friends which sounds like a lot more fun than the bad situations you ended up in when your +1 was expected to be your company. In fact, your last situation you were the +1 and you felt very uncomfortable - surely it would have been better not to have had the +1 at all?? Unless you want a +1 for the +1....

Where did I state they were bad experiences? I even typed " I have never had a bad experience because I always had +1 option". I had a great time with the friend/brother I brought.

I have not ignored the point of being put on a singles table with other single people I know, because I have never been in that situation. Everybody has been in couples. If there happened to be any single people I never met them because I was put on tables with cousins/family/people I did know etc. Sure I enjoyed being on the table with my cousins, but they were all male and I had nothing in common with their girlfriends/or they got up to the slow sets to dance together. It made it a whole better experience having a guest to keep me company. So yes I was definitely better off with +1. It would have been nightmare otherwise.

Is there really situations where you have lots of single friends? At 30 that certainly is not the case with my friends. Any of the single people are normally part of the bridal party. The rest of the people I know are in couples. So although they might be long term friends, I would not like to be stuck on a table with couples as the only single person (even if i know them).

Let's be honest, with my experience I will know about 5 other people at a friends wedding maximum....the bride (sort of her groom), the "single" bridesmaids and then one other friend with a long term boyfriend....that is the usual situation I am in.

The other option would be to put all the single people...who do not know each other at the one table. That has 50:50 chance...could work could be a disaster.

So yes I still stand with I'd always rather +1 or not to be invited at all.

The OP did not state that they were going to be on a table with lots of single friends. It comes across that the OP has been invited to a Wedding that might know other people, but these other people could be in couples? It was not clear if they were other single or couples? If its anything like my case....it could be just couples she knows? Also the OP states that the people she does know, it is only to say Hello and has not been in touch with them in years!!! Yet people agree she is better off going with no +1???

If it was me, I would ask the friend getting married if I could bring someone to the Church and afters!!! If they are that stuck for cash at least the couple should understand that if they really want their friend there that they could accommondate her bringing a friend to the church and afters...therefore not costing the couple anything for the meal itself.

Just because people are single, doesnt mean it was their choice and it doesnt mean they are ok with being alone!!! No more that if you decided to split a couple and just invite half the couple. If the Bride/groom are that stuck for cash...why dont they split up the couple and just invite one of them? It wouldnt happen!! Its left to the single person to take be considered a burden and seen as a "cost".

HairMonster · 10-09-2011 07:51PM

Wow, you edit your posts a lot...
OK, to address the new points you added:

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Let's also not forget that most people give a cash gift to cover the expense of their meal. To get married only costs €150 for a marriage license. Anything/cost on top of that 150 euro is optional. The couple therefore has control as to how much they chose to spend. However the guests have to go along with majority of plans regardless of the costs. Sure they are not forced to go, but they have little choice as oppose the bride/groom who as I said chose to spend extra over the 150 euro it actually costs to get married.

1. Couples cannot and should not expect a guest to give you any present, never mind cash - some don't give anything at all. However this is not relevant and has already been discussed to death here so I'll not comment any more.

2. Your point that the couple have a choice whether to spend over €150 but the guests don't is utterly baffling...
Apart from the fact that the guest can actually say no, suggesting that the couple can choose to spend no more than the €150 for the licence is rather silly! We all know that is not very realistic. However if it really did happen, you wouldn't have the issue of the cost of the +1 because you would have no guests in the first place, so I can't see the relevance of the point.

But I really cannot understand how you believe the couple have full control of the cost, yet you don't think they have the right to issue you with a single invitation... that is a contradiction! how do you think your +1 is paid for??

magneticimpulse wrote: »

In this case of being the bridesmaids guest, I actually invited another friend who came to the afters

Ok, my +1 for the +1 was a joke... I didn't actually think it would happen...
But the fact that you had to do that just proves how a +1 isn't always a very good option...

HairMonster · 10-09-2011 08:11PM

@magneticimpulse OK, seriously, I can't keep up with all your posts or the number of times you edit them to add more points.

My final comment to you is that you have strong personal feelings that you are applying to ALL cases for +1s, where clearly there are times (as has been illustrated many times on this thread) that it is not at all an issue for some guests and that most couples would not dream of inviting someone on their own who won't know anyone else, anyway. I repeat: no-one thinks a guest should be completely alone at a wedding. Despite your comments, most couples are not monsters out to rub their love in the face of the singles. (I honestly never thought people could think so low of their friends that they would believe that of them...)

magneticimpulse · 11-09-2011 12:11AM

HairMonster wrote: »

Wow, you edit your posts a lot...
OK, to address the new points you added:

1. Couples cannot and should not expect a guest to give you any present, never mind cash - some don't give anything at all. However this is not relevant and has already been discussed to death here so I'll not comment any more.

2. Your point that the couple have a choice whether to spend over €150 but the guests don't is utterly baffling...
Apart from the fact that the guest can actually say no, suggesting that the couple can choose to spend no more than the €150 for the licence is
rather silly! We all know that is not very realistic. However if it really did happen, you wouldn't have the issue of the cost of the +1 because you would have no guests in the first place, so I can't see the relevance of the point.

But I really cannot understand how you believe the couple have full control of the cost, yet you don't think they have the right to issue you with a single invitation... that is a contradiction! how do you think your +1 is paid for??

Ok, my +1 for the +1 was a joke... I didn't actually think it would happen...
But the fact that you had to do that just proves how a +1 isn't always a very good option...

It is really down to the couple how much they spend. You can get married etc. It is not a must that every bride/groom provides a 5/7 course meal for their guests. There are other options...like the Germans for example just all go to the pub for lunch and have a beer etc. Yes a couple does have control, they decide who comes (4 or 200 guests), the venue (pub, tent or hotel) and what type of meal etc (sandwiches/buffet/7 course).

Anyway besides that does not answer OP's question...she doesnt know anyone going to the wedding very well, she seems unsure about who is actually going. Therefore it seems that the OP is going alone.

I have lovely friends who have always considered single people and invited +1 friend. So I have had great experiences and have not met any monster couples as you suggest.

So basically you agree with me completely. That I am entitled to have a +1 guest at the wedding, because I do not know anyone else at the wedding and the same should be applied to single people who are in the situation. Thats great we have cleared that up. So back to OP...she should have gotten a +1 invite.

Midnight Sundance · 11-09-2011 01:55AM

magneticimpulse wrote: »

HairMonster wrote: »

Wow, you edit your posts a lot...
OK, to address the new points you added:

1. Couples cannot and should not expect a guest to give you any present, never mind cash - some don't give anything at all. However this is not relevant and has already been discussed to death here so I'll not comment any more.

2. Your point that the couple have a choice whether to spend over €150 but the guests don't is utterly baffling...
Apart from the fact that the guest can actually say no, suggesting that the couple can choose to spend no more than the €150 for the licence is
rather silly! We all know that is not very realistic. However if it really did happen, you wouldn't have the issue of the cost of the +1 because you would have no guests in the first place, so I can't see the relevance of the point.

But I really cannot understand how you believe the couple have full control of the cost, yet you don't think they have the right to issue you with a single invitation... that is a contradiction! how do you think your +1 is paid for??

Ok, my +1 for the +1 was a joke... I didn't actually think it would happen...
But the fact that you had to do that just proves how a +1 isn't always a very good option...

It is really down to the couple how much they spend. You can get married etc. It is not a must that every bride/groom provides a 5/7 course meal for their guests. There are other options...like the Germans for example just all go to the pub for lunch and have a beer etc. Yes a couple does have control, they decide who comes (4 or 200 guests), the venue (pub, tent or hotel) and what type of meal etc (sandwiches/buffet/7 course).

Anyway besides that does not answer OP's question...she doesnt know anyone going to the wedding very well, she seems unsure about who is actually going. Therefore it seems that the OP is going alone.

I have lovely friends who have always considered single people and invited +1 friend. So I have had great experiences and have not met any monster couples as you suggest.

So basically you agree with me completely. That I am entitled to have a +1 guest at the wedding, because I do not know anyone else at the wedding and the same should be applied to single people who are in the situation. Thats great we have cleared that up. So back to OP...she should have gotten a +1 invite.

Hi, OP here
I have to say I agree with a lot of what magneticimpulse has said.

To clarify, I'm only presuming that IF and that's a big if, I know anyone at the wedding they will be couples AND I barely know them at all.
Definitely not enough to just latch on and follow them around all day like some lost cause!
I do and I have already stated that I understand the cost of weddings and I will be attending other weddings where I will know lots of people both couple and singles and won't bring a +1 even if I can.

However I don't see why I should attend a wedding where I only know the bride and groom and be expected to travel alone , go to church alone , find hotel alone, " mingle " for however long before the meal alone and sit at a table alone .
Plus what people have said about it being a great opportunity to meet other singles would realistically happen at the Singles table if they r lucky enough to have that many single friends, but what about the whole day alone before the meal.

If someone is going to your wedding and will be uncomfortable should you not try accommodate them? Realistically how many single people who know very little would you be inviting?? My guess is very few! Most singles if close to bride or groom probably know a group going and they Given the option would probably choose to go alone. But they should be at least allowed to choose!

Single invite to wedding

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