Single invite to wedding

Midnight Sundance · 31-08-2011 12:32AM #1

Hi,
I was wondering what people's opinions are on single invites to a wedding.
I'm single and was invited to a friends wedding. I will probably know a few people there, as in to say hello to but wouldn't have seen or talked to them in a long time, nor have I much inclination to have much of a conversation with them either.
I've been invited with no +1. I do understand the cost of weddings but I'm dreading going by myself, spending the day by myself n perhaps latching on to someone whom ive not seen in years for the sake of it.
There's no question of not going as I want to see my friend married n celebrate her big day but I'm dreading looking and feeling like some lonely, desperate dateless person .
Am I terrible to feel a bit miffed at not getting a +1 invite?

Joe10000 · 31-08-2011 12:37AM

If are not with someone then a +1 cannot be expected and there is no need to be miffed. Weddings are the easiest events to socialise at so I would look forward to it if I was you.

Bride2012 · 31-08-2011 12:46AM

Joe10000 wrote: »

If are not with someone then a +1 cannot be expected and there is no need to be miffed. Weddings are the easiest events to socialise at so I would look forward to it if I was you.

+1 on many wedding ettiquette sites they say that unless a couple is living together or obviously long term then you don't have to plus one and definately don't have to for single. I've been to one as a similar situation and everyone was so friendly, really easy to mingle.

Kooli · 31-08-2011 01:45AM

I think if you're not going as part of a gang of friends then it is a bit harsh to be invited without a +1. I know I'd have huge difficulty with it.
i've gone to plenty of weddings without my partner, but only with a group of friends. I'd find it really tough spending such a long day without my 'go to' person.

John Mason · 31-08-2011 09:20AM

i have been to many, many weddings as a single with no +1, where the only person i know has been either the bride or groom.

You will be grand, the bride will put you on table with like minded people and i am sure there will be loads of people told to look out for you.

also, a load of my friends met their significant others at weddings

Acoshla · 31-08-2011 11:16AM

I went to one wedding on my own, I was the bridesmaids' guest really and barely knew the bride and groom. A mutual friend of myself and the bridesmaids was going and she kind of took me on which was handy as I didn't know the local area well and she gave me lifts, introduced me to people etc. There was a great big table of us, singles and couples who were friends of the family and we had a great time, met my now boyfriend that day

k4899g · 31-08-2011 01:04PM

I wouldn't expect a plus one unless I was in a serious long term relationship to be honest. The cocktail/punch whatever reception is great for chatting and I'm sure that the couple will put people who are there alone together or with people they know on the table plan.

Heineken Helen · 31-08-2011 01:34PM

k4899g wrote: »

I wouldn't expect a plus one unless I was in a serious long term relationship to be honest. The cocktail/punch whatever reception is great for chatting and I'm sure that the couple will put people who are there alone together or with people they know on the table plan.

We only invited +1's based on whether they knew others or not, not based on the length of their relationship. I think it's pretty mean to invite someone on their own who doesn't know anybody

. OP presumably there will be a hen party - these are usually specifically designed for people to bond before the wedding. If you really feel that uncomfortable, maybe you can explain how you're feeling to your friend and ask if you could bring a +1. All she can do is say no. We had one person ask if she could bring her boyfriend and, as she's a good friend anyway, we said yes.

kandr10 · 31-08-2011 04:45PM

There's no way we were giving +1s to single people. Not to be mean or harsh but I didn't want some random stranger at my wedding, not least with the cost involved. It can be quite difficult cost wise to keep things down, like a lot of people won't have cousins or might relegate some friends to the 'afters'. So while it's not all about money...why should they pay for your friend to be there?
Besides, you'd be less likely to mingle if you were with someone who also may not know a lot of people there. Enjoy yourself and look forward to meeting up or catching up with people!

Midnight Sundance · 31-08-2011 11:45PM

Thanks for the replies. I guess I am just nervous about feeling like a third wheel to people and chatting for the sake of it.
As for people not inviting single people because they aren't married , I feel that's a bit unfair, would that mean I could invite someone I know to my wedding if I ever got married but not their partner because I don't know them.
I understand budgets etc but I do think that when someone doesn know others a +1 is not unreasonable .
I'll also be attending 3 other weddings this year and have no problem bringing no one as I will know lots of people at these .
Also this wedding is down the country and I'll have to travel on my own quite distance.
Would have been ok if I could go to hen but its abroad and I wouldn't be close enough to tag along anyways.

Gatica · 01-09-2011 10:53AM

I will probably know a few people there, as in to say hello to but wouldn't have seen or talked to them in a long time, nor have I much inclination to have much of a conversation with them either.

It sounds like you may know or be acquainted with some onf the people at the wedding. She may not be aware that you're not comfortable enough talking to them for the evening. If it bothers you that much, you should mention it to her.
It certainly would be inconsiderate to invite someone without a +1 if you don't know anyone else at the wedding. However, that doesn't seem to be 100% true in your situation, which could be why she didn't give you a +1.

Etiquette requires that you invite someone's significant other, which unfortunately doesn't include a mate or buddy you'd bring with you if you got a +1. Generally that's what people mean when they say they don't invite +1's for single friends - i.e. I don't think they mean un-married when they say single. The significant other usually covers not only married or engaged but also categories such as living together, seriously dating for a particularly long period of time, such as 2 years. However, when couples need to draw the line, they decide on which rules apply, e.g. someone may say only those living together and those dating whose bfs/gfs they know. Someone else may lay the rules down tighter or looser, depending on numbers and budget.

However, chances are you're not the only one coming solo to the wedding, so you're likely to bump into a few ppl in the same situation as you.
No reasonable person would for a second think less of you if you go alone or somehow tire of talking to you. You're bound to find good company there!

HairMonster · 01-09-2011 04:29PM

+1 to what Gatica says. You seem to be acquainted with some guests who'll be there so quite possible the couple assume you are friends and will be comfortable spending the say with them.
I would guess that they have also invited others without a +1 so its quite possible there will be a few of you, and I'm sure they'll consider this with their seating plan. When my OH was best man I was seated with a group of people I never met before including the groomsmans GF, instead of at a table with some acquaintances. I was dreading it but the couple had put us at a really fun table with some of their mates so it was actually great fun! So you never know, they may have thought about it and are not leaving you on your own.

Happy W · 01-09-2011 04:39PM

Unless I was going to know at least one other guest well or it was a relatives wedding I would say thanks but no thanks to that one.

TonyStark · 01-09-2011 04:44PM

yvonne23 wrote: »

Hi,
Am I terrible to feel a bit miffed at not getting a +1 invite?

Something simillar but different happened to me...

Was with my girlfriend for the guts of 4 years and my first cousin who was getting married. Sent one invite to the entire family, my dad..their uncle being deceased at the time.

The invite went along the lines of Mum,Myself,My Brother and then My Sister were all invited on the one invitation.

At the time my sister was heavily pregnant with her first child and the father of the child was not invited.

My girlfriend at the time only got invited when my brother due to work commitments declined an invite. I must say I was pissed off not getting a separate invite and still am quite annoyed that my sister had no one with her on that day. So I do understand where you are coming from, you should have a +1 invite.

bryaner · 01-09-2011 04:47PM

Just get smashed, make a show outa yourself and get sent home early simples..;)

Mr. Presentable · 01-09-2011 04:47PM

You are invited - go along and have a great time. You can't really expect an invitation for (what would be to the bride/groom) a stranger.

HairMonster · 01-09-2011 04:58PM

TonyStark wrote: »

Something simillar but different happened to me...

Was with my girlfriend for the guts of 4 years and my first cousin who was getting married. Sent one invite to the entire family, my dad..their uncle being deceased at the time.

The invite went along the lines of Mum,Myself,My Brother and then My Sister were all invited on the one invitation.

At the time my sister was heavily pregnant with her first child and the father of the child was not invited.

My girlfriend at the time only got invited when my brother due to work commitments declined an invite. I must say I was pissed off not getting a separate invite and still am quite annoyed that my sister had no one with her on that day. So I do understand where you are coming from, you should have a +1 invite.

Tony, I can see where you are coming from, but TBH this is a different situation. Firstly, you had a girlfriend of 4 years, the OP is single.

Secondly, when it gets to distant relatives, a family invitation is very common. Your sister was not on her own, she was invited along with the family. I've been included in family invites numerous times and I'm with my OH for over 10 years!
The couple are inviting the people they want to share their day with and most people are not close to their cousins in the first place so won't know their partners very well. Also some people can have a huge number of cousins so +1s will really bump up the numbers with guests they don't really know. Its really their prerogative on who they would like there to share their day.

Gatica · 01-09-2011 05:02PM

TonyStark wrote: »

Something simillar but different happened to me...

Was with my girlfriend for the guts of 4 years and my first cousin who was getting married. Sent one invite to the entire family, my dad..their uncle being deceased at the time.

The invite went along the lines of Mum,Myself,My Brother and then My Sister were all invited on the one invitation.

At the time my sister was heavily pregnant with her first child and the father of the child was not invited.

My girlfriend at the time only got invited when my brother due to work commitments declined an invite. I must say I was pissed off not getting a separate invite and still am quite annoyed that my sister had no one with her on that day. So I do understand where you are coming from, you should have a +1 invite.

I think in your situation the mistake they made is not updating their guest list... They did not take the change in circumstances in your family into account. Looks like you and your sister were truly grown up, if not moved out of the house, by the time the wedding was on. And the fact that they invited a deceased relative highlights the point.

That's not exactly the same as not inviting a single friend.

Gatica · 01-09-2011 05:15PM

I must apologise, looks like I misread your post

You got an invite for your parents and their children (i.e. you and your sister), which naturally didn't include your dad because he was deceased, right? (sorry to hear that, btw)

as previous poster said it's not uncommon to invite cousins by the one rather than with partners; personally, I do believe that it's inconsiderate to do that once the cousins are grown up and have partners of their own. However, wedding budgets often cannot allow for what tends to be a large extended family as well as their +1's. So one must prioritise in some way.

The family I'm marrying into has many cousins and it's understood between the family that you invite the cousins you are close to as well as their long-term partners, but are not expected to invite all the cousins. It works fine that way. We don't get invited to their weddings either, cos we don't know them all that well.
I suppose some people's cousins may take offence at not being invited at all, but it can't be both ways in large families and I guess some couple just pick one way or another of narrowing down their guest list.

TonyStark · 01-09-2011 06:08PM

Gatica wrote: »

I must apologise, looks like I misread your post

Indeed,it was a first cousin and he had only one uncle on his fathers side :-/ Pretty close to him up that point. So really IMHO it was poor etiquette on them not to issue individual invitations and then retrospectively to issue one for my gf.. To make up numbers. It looked bad. No question.

I think the point is that people should observe a certain decorum when it comes to wedding invites. Give the person the option to bring someone or not. Makes it an easier situation on all concerned. Of the OP had the chance to bring a friend it would alleviate any of the stress on them with turning up to an occasion on their own. Nothing worse than sitting at a table at a wedding with strangers or near strangers.

HairMonster · 01-09-2011 06:34PM

TonyStark wrote: »

I think the point is that people should observe a certain decorum when it comes to wedding invites. Give the person the option to bring someone or not. Makes it an easier situation on all concerned.

No offence Tony, but surely the decorum should be observed by the guests in respecting the couples decision of whom to invite? It doesn't make the day easier for the couple - if it did, they would have invited them in the first place!!
And it is their day, not the guests, so it is their prerogative to invite the people they want to share it with. Maybe they cannot afford a couple of grand extra for all the partners and extended family that would have liked an invitation; or maybe they simply don't want them there (I'm not referring to your particular case, but the same would apply - they would have to invite people they didn't want/like only to prevent the possibility that someone may be offended).

TonyStark wrote: »

Nothing worse than sitting at a table at a wedding with strangers or near strangers.

Actually, I think if the couple had to take out a loan to pay for a bigger wedding than they wanted, that would be worse for starters...

Tigger · 01-09-2011 09:48PM

never crossed my mind not to +1 everyone, one of my friends brought her female friend but thats company and a traveling partner and someone to share the room with

TonyStark · 02-09-2011 11:04AM

HairMonster wrote: »

No offence Tony, but surely the decorum should be observed by the guests in respecting the couples decision of whom to invite? It doesn't make the day easier for the couple - if it did, they would have invited them in the first place!!

Well that's one point but not a very realistic one. Sometimes you gotta invite people to things that you are not 100% happy with they call it life and you gotta suck it up. Your guests also have feelings and let's be honest they are the ones subbing your day at the end of it.

I look on marriage myself as a celebration of love. Not a memorable day out for just two people. At my wedding my priority is for the guests to have a good day as well as us so that we all walk away with good memories. If I have to invite people I am less than happy with I will just have to deal with it and I would expect my other half to come to terms with it as well.

paulbok · 02-09-2011 12:30PM

Our plan is currently not to have +1's for those we know are single. We'll review this before the invites are sent out, and If we know of anyone that starts going out with someone just before the day, we'll personally call them to invite the other half saying "we just heard about you and X, and of course they're invited."

HairMonster · 02-09-2011 12:38PM

TonyStark wrote: »

I look on marriage myself as a celebration of love. Not a memorable day out for just two people. At my wedding my priority is for the guests to have a good day as well as us so that we all walk away with good memories.

That's my point also - its a celebration of a couples love, not a party for everyone they know.

No one sets out to make their guests have a bad time. Believe me, we would all love to be able to bring everyone and keep everyone happy. However in reality this is impossible - when you start to organise the wedding and add up the costs, you realise it will cost an absolute fortune that most people simply can't afford. Sacrifices have to be made and this usually involves culling guests you are not close to. Otherwise you go into debt or don't have the wedding at all.

Do you honestly think its very fair to expect a couple to burden them with a debt just so they can pay for a single day out for guests they are not close to?

When you get married, you will realise how the guest list is one of the most difficult, expensive and contentious parts and you will understand that you have not been snubbed by those couple - they are simply doing their best juggling act on a limited budget.

ongarboy · 02-09-2011 12:45PM

When I was single, I had single invites as well as +1 invites. I didn't begrudge the bride and groom for not giving me the +1 option. In fact sometimes, the +1 option caused more hassle as you try to find someone to go with you.

I find at the weddings I didn't know anyone outside of the bride and groom, that usually they are considerate to put you at tables where there are other either similar age or single people so that you have a better chance of interacting. You might never see these people again but you can still have the craic for the one day with them. Even when I was put at a table with couples I didn't know, I didn't feel put out. I find couples are often delighted to talk to someone new other than themselves - it's not like they'll be snogging eachothers faces in front of you.

If you are afraid of looking like a desperate dateless lonely person as the OP stated, that is not the bride and groom's fault. That would be your own verdict of yourself and I very much doubt anyone else at the wedding would judge you that way. Look at the single invite as a new social opportunity - who knows you could meet a new partner or at least a new friend - it has known to happen.

surferdudz · 02-09-2011 12:58PM

for what its worth, i would feel very uncomfortable attending alone, even walking into the church , sitting alone, hoping a friendly face would make an effort ... I can remember costs being a very high consideration, but they should have issued a +1 and left it up to you ,

HairMonster · 02-09-2011 01:13PM

surferdudz wrote: »

I can remember costs being a very high consideration, but they should have issued a +1 and left it up to you ,

The problem is that its not just a matter of 1 extra person, you have to do it for ALL singles or family invitations, and that really adds up.

If the couple can't afford to invite a +1 for you and may not have close friends there (but you will know people), would you prefer not to be invited at all?

This is a genuine question to single people here, because we can't afford to invite everyone who thinks they should be invited and we'll have to cut numbers. All weddings have a budget, and usually go over, so saying "I'd rather a +1" is a given but simply not an option!! It never entered my head not to invite someone just because they were single, but if people are offended by not getting a +1 would they really prefer not to go at all?

Midnight Sundance · 03-09-2011 03:28AM

HairMonster wrote: »

surferdudz wrote: »

I can remember costs being a very high consideration, but they should have issued a +1 and left it up to you ,

The problem is that its not just a matter of 1 extra person, you have to do it for ALL singles or family invitations, and that really adds up.

If the couple can't afford to invite a +1 for you and may not have close friends there (but you will know people), would you prefer not to be invited at all?

This is a genuine question to single people here, because we can't afford to invite everyone who thinks they should be invited and we'll have to cut numbers. All weddings have a budget, and usually go over, so saying "I'd rather a +1" is a given but simply not an option!! It never entered my head not to invite someone just because they were single, but if people are offended by not getting a +1 would they really prefer not to go at all?

In response to your question, obviously I would prefer to go alone rather than not at all!!
In saying that I do believe that soon to be married couples should take into consideration the case of the single guests, I have no objection going to most weddings alone where I know others and don't have to travel hundreds of miles on my own and go to church hopin I mite "recognise " someone to talk to. I do not feel that I should be made feel uncomfortable and like a third wheel to people just because I am single!
If I had a boyfriend that they did not know or like too much he would still be going I presume so why can I not take someone to make me feel at ease for day?
Also if they day is just about the couple then why invite guests in first place?

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why +1's arent always issued but is it too much to ask that your guests are comfortabl and enjoy your day?
Ps is is not protocol tomake sure your wedding gift more than pays for your and guests meal? If so what's the problem with guest if you more thancompensate them for it?

Toto Wolfcastle · 03-09-2011 09:21AM

But you said in your OP that you know a few people going and as others have said, the bride and groom might not know that you don't want to talk to them.

TonyStark · 03-09-2011 10:32AM

HairMonster wrote: »

TonyStark wrote: »

I look on marriage myself as a celebration of love. Not a memorable day out for just two people. At my wedding my priority is for the guests to have a good day as well as us so that we all walk away with good memories.

Sacrifices have to be made and this usually involves culling guests you are not close to. Otherwise you go into debt or don't have the wedding at all.
.

That's a bit extreme, culling people.

Do you hire contract killers down the local ra den?! Or is it more apt because of the occasion to get in the Colombians.?!

On a less facetious point. If there is a danger of them not covering their cost then they should not be invited at all, whoever they are.

Personally I think it's in the main more profitable to have a couple at the wedding. My standard gift to people who aren't close family is 150 from both of us. Standard meal is 30 per person so profit would be 90.

If I were to go on my own would be inclined to put 100 in the envelope, leaving 70 profit for for the happy couple.

You could argue that two single invitations would yield more, but would they be as inclined as a couple to goto a wedding.... on their own? It's only if people goto a wedding they stump up serious cash.

The system breaks down if the meal was something outlandish and when people don't pay their way and give a gift.. Which happens more often than not.

Single invite to wedding

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