Adult only wedding yes or no?

Bride2012 · 25-08-2011 08:41PM #1

We were discussing having an adult only wedding as we both have young first cousins and friends and cousins with young kids. It would add up to a lot of extra seats and the kids tend to rule the dancefloor.

I'm not sure how it would go down with everyone though. A thread on another forum had a bride who was upset as close friends of theirs aren't coming because they cannot get childcare.

What do parents think, would you mind an adult only invitation or would your kids being there be important to you?

OS119 · 25-08-2011 09:12PM

Bride2012 wrote: »

...What do parents think, would you mind an adult only invitation or would your kids being there be important to you?

i'm happy, in principle, with the idea of going to an adults only wedding - i get to have a night off, i can pretend to be a grown up and not be out of the pub by 9pm, and i won't be sat next to some whiny kid with bogies hanging off his nose throwing a tantrum because he should have gone to bed 4 hours ago.

however.

the reality is that at minimum i need to find a babysitter who will have two kids under five from 10am saturday till lunchtime on sunday. at worst that could be from friday evening till sunday evening.

such people often arrive in a diamond bikini carrying next weeks lottery numbers and look like Katy Perry. they are pretty rare.

as well as the above practical difficulties, many/some parents will think 'you don't want kids there, so you don't like kids - maybe you don't like my kids, so go and fcuk yourself'.

you have the absolute right to not not invite kids to your wedding - its your wedding and you're paying the bill - what you say goes. just don't be that suprised if some of the people you invite who have kids don't attend, either because they can't get childcare, or they get the hump because they think you don't like the people that are most important to them in the whole world.

your choice.

chickenbutt · 25-08-2011 09:19PM

At my brother's wedding they hired a babysitter to watch the children during the ceremony, not sure about the reception... It's a thought if you could afford it!

lynner83 · 25-08-2011 09:37PM

I certainly wouldn’t mind an adult only invitation, I have been to so many weddings where kids take over and parents can’t relax, unless you have immediate nieces and nephews I wouldn’t invite.

Monife · 25-08-2011 10:02PM

While I have no children (yet), I would be perfectly happy to go to an adult only wedding. I would actually prefer it as there is nothing worse than screaming children when you are trying to enjoy yourself or for guests to have their night ruined by having to look after said children.

I can see the other side too. Although I think with enough notice for people to organise arrangements for their children, I think there should be no problem. It might get peoples backs up but if you explain to close family and friends (and get them to pass the message on), then I think it would be ok. Although, it might be better to get the opinion of actual mothers/fathers.

I wish my wedding was going to be kid free (wedding in 4 days

), but my soon to be sister in law never leaves her children with anyone (very much a homebody and if she goes out, husband stays home, vice versa, or if both go out, kids tag along) and my fiancé's best man cannot get childcare (my wedding is in Sligo, but we all live currently in Dublin) so there will be 8 kids at my wedding and there are only 50 guests for the meal

But they are all good kids so really hoping everything will run smoothly.

lazygal · 25-08-2011 10:13PM

We had a child free wedding. The only child we may have made an exception for was my husband's niece, but her mother was happy to leave her with a babysitter. Some people annoyingly assumed their children were invited and put the poor mouth on, saying they might not come, to which our response was "Too bad, just let us know if you can make it before the day, we are not having any children".

I hate children at weddings, its not a suitable place for them and we didn't want them there on the day. If you decide on a child free wedding be firm, people will assume their little darlings are included on an invitation to adults only.

amdublin · 25-08-2011 10:31PM

I wouldn't want children.

But I'm not you. And I don't know your family.

Doesnt matter what we all think. You need to make your own choice.

bridetobeone · 25-08-2011 10:38PM

amdublin wrote: »

I wouldn't want children.

But I'm not you. And I don't know your family.

Doesnt matter what we all think. You need to make your own choice.

I am having Nieces and Nephews only. Whatever you choose it's your day!

iguana · 25-08-2011 10:44PM

I think adult only wedding are fine but unless you are having the wedding somewhere local to the majority of guests, allowing them to only need a babysitter from the afternoon and go home at night if necessary, many guests may not be able to go for practical reasons. As well as that it's worth bearing in mind that people with very young (up to a few weeks old) breastfed babies often can't leave them for more than a few hours so they will either have to bring the baby or not attend.

Toots · 26-08-2011 01:27AM

Iguana makes a good point about the very young babies needing to be fed, although I think they're hardly going to be very disruptive to the day considering their activity range seems to consist of eat, cry, poop, sleep!

We had loads of kids at our wedding, a lot of my cousins are at an age where they have young families and they live in northern Ireland so there was no way I'd have asked them to leave the kids at home for a weekend and come on their own. However, I should add in fairness that these kids have been to weddings before (I've been at the same ones) and they're the most well behaved bunch you could imagine, so I had no worries about them running around screaming during the dinner or being generally disruptive because I knew their parents wouldn't stand for it.

At my SIL's wedding there were 3 kids at it who basically threw one big tantrum from the start of the dinner until the cake was cut. The parents let them run riot for the whole thing, and they were really really noisy in the church and the parents just didn't care. If that had happened at our wedding TBH, it would have annoyed me, I wouldn't have been annoyed at the kids but I would be annoyed at the parents for being so inconsiderate and doing nothing to control the kids.

Personally if someone invited me to an adult only wedding I wouldn't be offended at all. The line needs to be drawn somewhere as regards numbers and a lot of people don't like kids at weddings. It's their big day so I think they have the right to choose.

LadyTBolt · 26-08-2011 10:25AM

If you have no children of your own, for friends/cousins children don't invite their children. I wouldn't even make an issue of the 'Adult only' wedding. I would just send out the invites inviting the parents and leave it at that. If somebody makes an issue of it then all you have to do is explain that it's not personal and if you invited one cousins children you would have to invite them all and it just would not be appropriate.

Most parents do not expect their children to be invited.
As a parent myself my children have not been invited to cousins/friends weddings and TBH the thought of the children not been invited did not even enter my head.

However, a friend of mine got married a couple of years back and our two children were invited and oh boy it was hard work. Trying to keep a two year old out of the band equipment. Him screaming to get out of the high chair when the other children were sitting at 'the big kids' table. Drinks being spilled, nappies to change, keeping them quiet in the church. It was not easy.
My parents came and collected them at 9pm which was great and after that was the only time we got to enjoy the wedding but by that stage we were exhausted and just wanted to go home.
I wished at the time our children would not be invited but as she had 3 children and nieces of her own she wanted the children there.

I enjoy a day out without the kids and maybe your friends/cousins want that too.

Don't make an issue of having an 'Adult Only' wedding as it will be reflected that you are anti-children and that may cause problems.
Instead just send out the invites to the parents and if somebody makes an issue of it explain your reasons and I'm sure it will be fine.

DM addict · 26-08-2011 10:29AM

It's a tough call. If a lot of your potential guests have young kids, then it is going to be an additional difficulty/expense for them. However, as posted above, kids can end up running riot and parents can be more concerned with enjoying themselves than keeping things under control. Getting a babysitter isn't a bad idea, if you think there's going to be a lot of kids - alternatively setting up a few games/ things for the kids to do then it can take the pressure off.

Ultimately it's your day. Parents would probably appreciate being able to enjoy a wedding without worrying about kids, but childcare can be an issue.

grumpymunster · 26-08-2011 10:34AM

Getting married next year and will be adults only, its what we want so if people dont want to come as a result of this decision so be it. The majority of people have in laws they can deposit the kids with for the weekend so it is a break for them as well.

And for Monife hope all goes well, best of luck for the future.

BostonB · 26-08-2011 10:59AM

Some people want a family day. Some don't. Both involve compromises.

ssbob · 26-08-2011 11:05AM

getting married myself next year and we will be inviting our nieces and nephews only but no one elses kids, we also have a 5 year old ourselves.

Was at a wedding recently where my brother was a groomsman and his wife(my sister in law) didn't attend the wedding because she got the hump that theor 2 kids were not invited.

I personally wouldn't care either way, you can't please everyone!!!

stargazer 68 · 26-08-2011 11:08AM

My cousins wedding last year had no kids at it and she upset a few people but, as she said, Its my day and I dont want kids at it. I dont understand people who say 'kids make a wedding' - IMO they don't!!

BostonB · 26-08-2011 11:10AM

ssbob wrote: »

....
I personally wouldn't care either way, you can't please everyone!!!

+1

TBH I regret asking some of family I don't have time for, instead of more friends I'm closer too. But its not something I really dwell on. AFAIK everyone I care about enjoyed it.

Monife · 26-08-2011 11:13AM

ssbob wrote: »

getting married myself next year and we will be inviting our nieces and nephews only but no one elses kids, we also have a 5 year old ourselves.

Was at a wedding recently where my brother was a groomsman and his wife(my sister in law) didn't attend the wedding because she got the hump that theor 2 kids were not invited.

I personally wouldn't care either way, you can't please everyone!!!

Another +1 on this. You can't please everyone, and there may be that one person that gets the hump but at the end of the day, it is YOUR day, no one elses and if they don't attend just because they are annoyed, then let them be. Most people should understand.

BostonB · 26-08-2011 11:15AM

Dovies wrote: »

My cousins wedding last year had no kids at it and she upset a few people but, as she said, Its my day and I dont want kids at it. I dont understand people who say 'kids make a wedding' - IMO they don't!!

Well its a sweeping generalisation. So it can't possible be true for everyone.

I'm sure for some people kids do make a wedding. For others no.

Its a day out, and kids generally love anything different.

Silverfish · 26-08-2011 11:16AM

What would be the best way to phrase it on the invitations?

I have a lot of cousins with a lot of children, and kids would be in the majority if they were all brought along, so I'm trying to work out the best way to make it completely clear to all, yet without causing upset!

Really though OP, it's your day, so have it your way. If people do get annoyed, it's something that will pass and be forgotten in time anyway.

ssbob · 26-08-2011 11:19AM

Silverfish wrote: »

What would be the best way to phrase it on the invitations?

I have a lot of cousins with a lot of children, and kids would be in the majority if they were all brought along, so I'm trying to work out the best way to make it completely clear to all, yet without causing upset!

I think you just request the attendance of Mr & Mrs Banana and on the reply have a card maybe saying yes we can both attend or one of us can attend or sorry we cannot attend, then they get a clear message that it is either 1 or 2 of them that can go.

Also we are planning on getting our mams to say it to their brothers and sisters etc.......................

Cathmandooo · 26-08-2011 11:33AM

I think if someone is going to assume their child is invited then the wording of the invitation won't matter to them, they probably won't even read it, just the date and venue.

I'm not having kids at my wedding next year, except for any small babies that I wouldn't expect their parents to leave with a sitter. It can be their choice then. So far I've had all positive reactions to no children being invited. All the parents have said they'd be delighted to have the day off from the kids and don't want them hanging out of them for the day.

In a way I would love to have them, I love all my nieces and nephews dearly and it would be great to have them celebrating the day and be in the photos to look back on how small they all were! But I've been to weddings where I couldn't hear the vows being said over the noise of children in the church and I promised myself I'd never have that at my own wedding. Plus they'd be running around the dancefloor in the evening which I've also found very off-putting and annoying. It's not fair on them to make them sit quietly all day so they will run around. I don't see them enjoying the day either tbh so for me it's a straight no to all kids at the wedding.

paulbok · 26-08-2011 11:50AM

Only having neices & nephews and only 2 of them will be under 10 years old. Although we won't be putting it on the invites, it'll be well know that kids in general aren't invited due to numbers.
I know people who got in a strop over their kids not getting invited, but it's completely down to each couple who they want to invite.

26-08-2011 12:03PM

the only kids at my wedding were my son and two of his best friends (both cousins) because my extended family is huge and i have loads of cousins with children. I didnt want to have to pick and choose who could bring their kids or not so i just had a blanket ban for want of a better phrase.

I never was offended when my own son wasnt invited to weddings either, i agree with a previous poster who dismissed the claim that "kids make a wedding" - what a load of tripe. Its your wedding, you are paying for it, what you say goes and you shouldnt let anyone make you feel guilty. Again, it is true you cant please everyone, but thats always the way!

seamus · 26-08-2011 12:11PM

ssbob wrote: »

I think you just request the attendance of Mr & Mrs Banana and on the reply have a card maybe saying yes we can both attend or one of us can attend or sorry we cannot attend, then they get a clear message that it is either 1 or 2 of them that can go.

You would think so. But unfortunately some people just don't get it.

You'll hear all sorts of stories of people turning up with +1's when they're not included, 3 children in toe despite no mention of children on the invite, and so on.

I have no idea how you would go about phrasing it on the invites in such a way that you don't sound like you hate children. Anyone I know has just subtley made it known that children are not invited. This kind of worked for us, though not entirely. One couple ran their "plan" by us to see if it was OK, where basically they would bring the child to the ceremony and dinner and then leave before the music started. We had "spread the word" that there were no kids, and very specifically tried to get people to tell this couple, but they still didn't really get it and wanted to bring the child.

My sister-in-law had a similar problem where it had been made known to friends and family that there were no kids at the wedding, but two days before the wedding she was made aware that a couple were coming over from the UK with their child in toe, because nobody had the guts to tell them the child wasn't invited. Bags packed, flights booked, not much they could do about it.
When my SIL explained that there would be no facilities for the child, they were actually very embarrassed that they hadn't copped it and to be fair to them they kept a very low profile so as to avoid people thinking, "How come they brought their child and we couldn't?".

So the answer really is, don't assume that anybody will just get it. I would run a subtle campaign where you manage to speak to all the parents and drop in things to the conversation like, "So will you be leaving the child with his granny for the day". At least that way you can be fairly sure that nobody will turn up with their child.

ElleEm · 26-08-2011 12:14PM

I don't have kids, and definitely want an adult only wedding.

I don't agree with kids being around alcohol anyway, and find it really sad when I've been to functions where the parents are drunk and the kids are bored and acting out for attention.

On the other hand, you have parents who cannot let their hair down fully as their kids are there.

I would have imagined that parents would (childcare permitting) prefer to go to a wedding without their kids.

ElleEm · 26-08-2011 12:18PM

Silverfish wrote: »

What would be the best way to phrase it on the invitations?

I have a lot of cousins with a lot of children, and kids would be in the majority if they were all brought along, so I'm trying to work out the best way to make it completely clear to all, yet without causing upset!

Really though OP, it's your day, so have it your way. If people do get annoyed, it's something that will pass and be forgotten in time anyway.

What about saying something like, "this hotel/ venue caters for adults only" or something like that.

Clare Bear · 26-08-2011 12:24PM

We're having an adult only wedding. Apart from my nephew and two nieces but they're going to be page boy and flower girls and are past the running around screaming stage. I've been at weddings where the kids have ruined it. I'm no child hater but I'm being firm about having no kids at my wedding. If people won't come because of that oh well.

b743k · 26-08-2011 12:40PM

The poster who had the babysitter idea in another room, it's a great idea but it doesn't always work as well as adults only in practice. I was at one recently with 10 kids, they were as good as gold during the ceremony, couldn't fault them and then for the meal and speeches they had their own room with kids meals, babysitter and entertainer so that was great. Once the meal was over (about 8.30), the band started so the kids rejoined the room and took over the floor, knee skidds, running into the couple on their first dance and ruling it. Also by 10 all the parents or at least one from each of the kids called it a night, some looked really disappointed. This wedding had the bar and music going until 7am, best wedding ever and the parents who had to leave early was gutted the next day, que overtired kids when parents aren't the freshest yuck.

I would love an adult only wedding but I don't think it would work in my case. I have first cousins who are under ten and my fiance has nieces and nephews so I couldn't invite some and ask our friends to leave theirs at home but it would amount to 40 kids. Cousins kids have to be yold no though, we have 58 first cousins between us so them and a plus one is half the list. Just hope that they understand.

I wouldn't blame the hotel if it really isn't adult only as people will find it out and be annoyed that you lied, just say due to numbers etc.

stinkle · 26-08-2011 01:43PM

This is something bugging me too - we're likely to be getting married in 2/2.5 years at the latest and I'm starting to think about venues and the like, and of course numbers. Family alone (including plus one's and all kids) comes to 120 people!!! And to be honest, theres plenty of family friends and our own friends id rather invite ahead of certain family members....

In our case re:kids, we have no kids or nieces or nephews. its the beauty of being the eldest! But there are LOTS of cousins with kids though, ranging in age from 12 - 2 by the time we get married. One concern though is how do you manage when inviting people from abroad??? He has a cousin in the States with 2 kids, and one of mine is emigrating soon with one child, so if we assume they want to travel back for it, we have to invite the kids too! all lovely children tbh, but I can imagine others taking offence if their little darlings dont get invited :rolleyes:

Glitter · 26-08-2011 01:55PM

stinkle wrote: »

In our case re:kids, we have no kids or nieces or nephews. its the beauty of being the eldest! But there are LOTS of cousins with kids though, ranging in age from 12 - 2 by the time we get married. One concern though is how do you manage when inviting people from abroad??? He has a cousin in the States with 2 kids, and one of mine is emigrating soon with one child, so if we assume they want to travel back for it, we have to invite the kids too! all lovely children tbh, but I can imagine others taking offence if their little darlings dont get invited :rolleyes:

This problem has just reared it's ugly head for us too. My finace's mum called yesterday with the news that apparently my finace's sister and her husband are flying in from Australia for our wedding next year, which we did not expect. She and her husband have just had a baby. How can we expect her to find a babysitter in Dublin (the family is based in Mayo) for our day??
Our wedding will really not be suitable for kids at all , it's black tie/formal in a room that is basically a library filled with valuable antique books for starters!

Adult only wedding yes or no?

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