Do non-parents REALLY understand what it's like to be a parent?

thebigbiffo · 03-08-2011 03:33PM #1

I'm very curious about this and think it deserves its own thread and poll seperate from the debate on bad parenting happening in another thread.

I'm a parent of a 2 and 4 year old. Until I had them I had NO idea how much it would have an effect on me emotionally and physically and I had no idea how much time, effort and energy went into raising children.

I have had this discussion with other parents and all agree they underestimated how difficult it was - yet, there seems to be a very very large contingent on here who believe they DO know what it's like to be a parent even though they may not be one. Over in the other thread, a response to one of my posts even went to far as to say they understood what it was like to be in a war because they treat patients with PTSD and understand the effects...I think this is completely off the page; you can understand the effects maybe, but knowing the depth of emotional anguish that comes with it is impossible (and I believe it’s very arrogant to suggest otherwise). I don’t like the analogy, but that’s what I believe; without being a parent yourself you cannot know the depth of involvement on all physical and emotional levels.

So, my questions are this: are you a parent and did you know what it was going to be like, are you a non-parent and believe you know what it will be like? Has anyone who became a parent really got what they expected 100% of the time and knew exactly how they were going to raise them?

*note for the mods: this relates specially to what non-parents think so I think AH is the best place and it’s separate from the other ‘bad parenting’ thread going on at the moment because I was lambasted for raising this issue on more occasions than I wish to reference and told it was off topic.

ElleEm · 03-08-2011 03:40PM

I don't have any kids, but I have a good understanding of the issues and stresses of being a parent. I have worked with children and families for years (babysitting/ au pair/ creche/ family centres/ homeless services, etc.).

I am, however, very aware that I do not know what it is like to BE a parent.

I love kids, and can't wait to have them, but nothing reminds you how hard it will be than taking a loan of your nieces and nephews for a few days. It is exhausting!!

Due to my job, I have actually spend a lot of time working with parents and giving them advice and stuff. None of them have ever asked me do I have kids or not. Good advice is good advice! Sometimes people who don't have kids can give good advice and support to parents, as they have an objective point of view.

Kanoe · 03-08-2011 03:40PM

no

KnifeWRENCH · 03-08-2011 03:41PM

Having seen my sister and her husband with their two young children I think I've a pretty good idea of what to expect.
And that's why I've decided to never ever become a parent.

Biggins · 03-08-2011 03:44PM

Father of four here.

You can read all the books you want. Watch all the TV parenting programmes you want and listen to all the advice you want by friend and relative - that said NOTHING prepares you fully for being a parent.

Your child/children will be all individuals - each different and each up to their own special antics and personality traits/qualities.
So while you might have a broad idea how to react in a non-emergency/emergency situation, on the day or in the minute, each case is special and no absolutes can be applied to full degree.

Einhard · 03-08-2011 03:45PM

thebigbiffo wrote: »

I had no idea how much time, effort and energy went into raising children...

Over in the other thread, a response to one of my posts even went to far as to say they understood what it was like to be in a war because they treat patients with PTSD and understand the effects...

but knowing the depth of emotional anguish that comes with it is impossible...

without being a parent yourself you cannot know the depth of involvement on all physical and emotional levels...

I don't know what it's like to be a parent, and from the picture you're painting (emotional anguish etc), I don't think I want to become one any time soon!

Emoi · 03-08-2011 03:46PM

thebigbiffo wrote: »

I'm very curious about this and think it deserves its own thread and poll seperate from the debate on bad parenting happening in another thread.

Wow you really did take it personally didn't you?!

IvyTheTerrible · 03-08-2011 03:46PM

I think as a non-parent with experience with kids, I can understand to a certain extent but not completely.

HOWEVER, I also think that just by being a parent does not mean you understand all parents or all the issues children have. Some parents seem to think that having one child makes them childcare experts.

starlit · 03-08-2011 03:47PM

Unless they regularly babysit/work in childcare or have nieces/nephews would non-parents have any understanding what its like to be a parent. Different ball game of course when it comes to raising children but they are on an equal level when it comes to looking after kids.

Dudess · 03-08-2011 03:47PM

Emoi wrote: »

Wow you really did take it personally didn't you?!

No... he didn't?

nevaeh-2die-4 · 03-08-2011 03:47PM

jesus christ what a stupid thread,

if you dont have kids there is no way of knowing whats its like to be a parent,

same with if you have cancer, i might think i know how you feel but until your in there shoes you have no idea.

Up de Barrs · 03-08-2011 03:50PM

Parents are often very patronising to non parents, implying that unless you have children of your own you are not able to empathise with certain situations. I'm not sure if this is a deliberate way of putting people down or inadvertent but it is extremely annoying.

mikemac · 03-08-2011 03:52PM

"As a parent......" is used a lot on boards

I'll read your post and consider your opinion but it doesn't automatically make it more valid then a non parent

But ask a question and the reply might be
"One day you'll understand...."

As Up de Barrs says, it can come across as patronizing

Logical Fallacy · 03-08-2011 03:52PM

No real idea as to what it's like to be a parent, seeing as i am not a parent.

I still reserve the right to dislike parents who make no effort to control errant children though.

The other thread must have hit you hard OP.

K_P · 03-08-2011 03:53PM

I really don't see the point of this. I'm not a parent. If I say I know what to expect, I'll be told that I'm fooling myself and I don't really. If I say I don't know what to expect, I'll be merely stating the obvious.

Of course I don't know what it's REALLY like to be a parent, no more than I fully understand the intricacies of anything that I haven't personally experienced. But I have a fair idea from seeing friends and family with young kids. I know enough to know it's not for me.

That doesn't preclude me from having opinions on the parenting skills of others. I haven't passed my driving test yet - I can still spot a shi**y driver when I see one. The same applies to parenting.

Noffles · 03-08-2011 03:53PM

I have kids... and the main thing is that people don't realise is that it changes EVERYTHING... it really does... not all for the good either...

Personally I'm still waiting for the "payoff"... 16 years later and I don't see it... still worrying, still concerned, still running around doing **** things that you would never do as a non parent..

And before anyone says it, again, I'm not a bad parent and love the nipper as much as anyone loves theirs... but in no way will I paint a rose tinted picture about it...

Ooops, off track there a little... erm, back on it, rename this thread, " do they know how awful it is"..

o1s1n · 03-08-2011 03:55PM

mikemac wrote: »

"As a parent......" is used a lot on boards

I'll read your post and consider your opinion but it doesn't automatically make it more valid then a non parent

But ask a question and the reply might be
"One day you'll understand...."

As Up de Barrs says, it can come across as patronizing

'Speaking as a mother.....'

Usually followed rather swiftly with -

'Won't someone please think of the children?!'

thebigbiffo · 03-08-2011 03:55PM

nevaeh-2die-4 wrote: »

jesus christ what a stupid thread,

if you dont have kids there is no way of knowing whats its like to be a parent,

same with if you have cancer, i might think i know how you feel but until your in there shoes you have no idea.

Don’t think you’ve got the point mate. I’m looking for all those AH posters who were thanking the s’hit out of posts which were stating they were sick of parents saying ‘you don’t know what it’s like’…it seems obvious in this thread so far, but there’s plenty of boardsies out there who should be arguing differently.

Logical Fallacy · 03-08-2011 03:55PM

Noffles wrote: »

I have kids... and the main thing is that people don't realise is that it changes EVERYTHING... it really does... not all for the good either...

Well people must be pretty damn stupid then. Of course it changes everything. Hell, i have no kids and even I can figure out that taking on responsibility for another life, for their safety, security, happiness and dreams is a ****ing massive, life altering thing with the potential for both incredible happiness and sadness involved.

minidazzler · 03-08-2011 03:58PM

To be honest, the "do you know what it's like to be a parent" has been trotted out to me when I complain about parents being ****. I'm not a parent, but I am a carer for my 16 year old sister, who happens to be wheelchair bound, and I have been for around 6 years. It's hard yeah, but if you let your kids run riot in public places such as trains and buses, you suck as a parent.

So I would say I am mostly clued into what it's like.

donalg1 · 03-08-2011 03:59PM

Right I will answer this question once and for all. I am a non parent and i do appreciate it is very hard to raise a child. However if it is as bad as every parent makes out why do any of them have more than 1?
Maybe the OP can answer that as he has a 2 yr old and 4yr so if the 4yr old was so hard to raise why have the other one?

RichieC · 03-08-2011 04:00PM

I know it would cost a **** load of money.. otherwise probably not.

jester77 · 03-08-2011 04:03PM

I would hate to be a parent.... and that is coming from someone who was once a kid!

bandit197 · 03-08-2011 04:04PM

I'm not a parent but I am of the opinion that looking after your own is easier than looking after someone else's.

Einhard · 03-08-2011 04:04PM

Noffles wrote: »

I have kids... and the main thing is that people don't realise is that it changes EVERYTHING... it really does... not all for the good either...

Personally I'm still waiting for the "payoff"... 16 years later and I don't see it... still worrying, still concerned, still running around doing **** things that you would never do as a non parent..

And before anyone says it, again, I'm not a bad parent and love the nipper as much as anyone loves theirs... but in no way will I paint a rose tinted picture about it...

Ooops, off track there a little... erm, back on it, rename this thread, " do they know how awful it is"..

Isn't the child itself the "payoff"?

ElleEm · 03-08-2011 04:05PM

donalg1 wrote: »

Right I will answer this question once and for all. I am a non parent and i do appreciate it is very hard to raise a child. However if it is as bad as every parent makes out why do any of them have more than 1?
Maybe the OP can answer that as he has a 2 yr old and 4yr so if the 4yr old was so hard to raise why have the other one?

It's not as simple as that. Parents ALWAYS talk about how rewarding it is to have a child. Yes, it's hard, but allegedly it's worth it!!

WindSock · 03-08-2011 04:05PM

I'd imagine its a pain in the hole if you're a parent and some arrogant young pissant thinks they know better, having no experience themselves with kids, or of being a parent.
However, sometimes it helps to have some friendly outside, objective observation on situations.
It must be godawful to have your brain filled with nappies, babytalk and sticky plastic toys though.

Dudess · 03-08-2011 04:08PM

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

The other thread must have hit you hard OP.

I don't think that's fair LF. I completely understand where the OP is coming from - and I'm not even a parent. It must be so frustrating to be told you're a failure as a parent etc by people who don't have kids yet are self proclaimed experts. Yes, you have the right to get irked by kids older than toddler age whose parents blatantly don't make an effort to stop them acting up in public, but some people on threads like that other one go much further. They practically view a baby crying as failed parenting.

curlywurly26 · 03-08-2011 04:10PM

I have to agree with nevaeh-2die-4 here!

Does anyone know what it's like to be me? No - you know why? Because they're not me. My friends and family might come close to guessing from what they know about and hear from me, but they don't know...

Same with living with illnesses, having a pet and yes, having a child!

But, just as importantly, just because you have a child doesn't mean you know what every other parent feels like. People have different experiences depending on what happens in life so I don't think anyone can KNOW what to expect.

I don't know what you expected from his thread - as said below, it sounds patronising as if you just want to get another chance to say "ohhh no you'll never understand unless you have them..."

donalg1 · 03-08-2011 04:11PM

Dudess wrote: »

I don't think that's fair LF. I completely understand where the OP is coming from - and I'm not even a parent. It must be so frustrating to be told you're a failure as a parent etc by people who don't have kids yet are self proclaimed experts. Yes, you have the right to get irked by kids older than toddler age whose parents blatantly don't make an effort to stop them acting up in public, but some people on threads like that other one go much further. They practically view a baby crying as failed parenting.

The point of the other thread is failed parenting is doing nothing while the child cries

ItsNoAlias · 03-08-2011 04:14PM

Practically raised my sisters kids when I was fostered, 3 of them, when I was 8- till the time I was 20. As my sister and I were fostered by our elder sister she needed to work to pay the bills, plus she was in college so yes I do believe I have a good understanding as to what it means to "raise" children.

However that is not what being a parent means. I got them ready for school, cooked, cleaned and generally took care of them but I didnt have to worry about other things that parents do like bills and money etc until I was much older.

So in a sense yes but also no. Its a much bigger question when you examine it. Practically I believe I can understand what it means to be a parent but emotionally, no. I love my two nieces and newphew however what the experience thought me is that I dont want to be a parent.

Do non-parents REALLY understand what it's like to be a parent?

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