Offended at a funeral?

Jelly2 · 09-05-2011 11:42AM

dpe wrote: »

I've found Irish funeral etiquette quite perplexing. Not long after I moved here, a friend of the missus' dad died. I was quite surprised when she said we had to go the funeral (she barely knew the man), but I shrugged and said OK. Then when I was looking in my wardrobe for my black suit she was really amused and said I didn't need a suit, as that was necessary for family only. Its all a bit different from England, where a. I probably wouldn't go to a funeral for someone I'd never met in the first place, and b. if I did go, I would always expect to wear a suit and tie.

On the other hand Irish funerals are far less depressing than English ones, even if you do have to jump through more hoops (I knew about the wake, but had never heard of a "removal").

My partner is English, and we've had some similar conversations. And I am with your missus' on the attendance at the funeral of your Dad's friend. Ties like this are strong for many Irish people, and the funeral is a mark of them. I like to think attending funeral as your wife did might be a mark of solidarity with her Dad, and that's lovely.

Jelly2 · 09-05-2011 11:47AM

sensibleken wrote: »

i recently introduced the missus to irish funerals and it was the same experience, never heard of a removal, we were mainly joking with the bereaved to keep his spirits up etc.

I do way prefer Irish to English ones, I've been only intimately involved in organising one but the way its at least a week before burial is too much imo. theres hassling over every little detail whereas here its done and dusted in 3 days

Having experienced both, I think that the Irish approach is better too. Any funeral I went to in England (and they were very few because funerals are usually 'private' for want of a better word) was not therapeutic in the way that a traditional Irish funeral is. We have retained more traditional forms of grieving and recovering through rituals, and the reminders of death are not treated as something against which we should fight and from which we should be protected.

Edit: Agree that too much drinking is a bad thing though!

ISDW · 09-05-2011 11:57AM

I can't really compare the English and Irish funeral experience, as all the English funerals I've attended have been Irish ones, just in England. The only difference has been the length of time between the person dying and the funeral, much longer over there.

Smiley G · 09-05-2011 12:15PM

I've lived here for 15 years now and am still surprised when I attend a funeral and see so many people in casual clothes. Also The amount of people attending gets me... some of them seem to be just turning up for a regular service at church.
But if that's the way it is then so be it, however I am always irritated by the church taking advantage of the occassion to attempt to increase their attendance figures.
I was at one funeral that lasted over an hour and the deceased was only mentioned briefly .... the main time was spent with a talk on not many people coming to church these days and ignoring their faith etc...he even managed to include something on Iraq

this i thought was very unacceptable at a funeral, which should be paying respects to the dead and his family and nothing else.

UpCork · 14-07-2011 09:33PM

There was a lady that lived near us who used to go to every funeral she could possibly go to, so that she could go to the "afters". I'd say she rarely cooked a meal as she was going to at least three or four funerals a week. As she lived in a highly populated area and there were about three of four churches within a short radius of her home, she "knew" alot of people who died. By "knew" I mean they could be the third cousin of the husband of a woman who rented the house next to her for six months back in 1960.

It was hysterical. She showed no shame in turning up to these Masses and invariably latching onto someone she had a tenuous link to in order to get invited to the so called "afters". She used to be gutted if there was no "afters" or it was a case of close relatives only going back to the house.

If I was related to the person that was deceased and I knew someone was doing that, I'd be quite offended

AudreyHepburn · 14-07-2011 09:35PM

Family members should wear black or at least dark clothes but otherwise its not an issue.

That the person has come at all is enough.

MagicMarker · 14-07-2011 09:37PM

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

Family members should wear black or at least dark clothes but otherwise its not an issue.

That the person has come at all is enough.

What about a white shirt?

Can I wear non-black underwear?

nlgbbbblth · 14-07-2011 09:43PM

Heckler wrote: »

I'd rather someone sincere turn up in rags than a "should be seen to have been there" turn up in a suit.

I'd rather someone sincere turn up in a suit rather than a "should be seen to have been there" turn up in rags.

James G · 14-07-2011 09:45PM

Im Only 71Kg wrote: »

would you be offended by someone wearing normal everyday clothes rather than a suit,shirt tie etc at a family members funeral?

Of course not. It seems people these days are actively looking for things to be offended about.

The Princess Bride · 14-07-2011 09:50PM

UpCork wrote: »

There was a lady that lived near us who used to go to every funeral she could possibly go to, so that she could go to the "afters". I'd say she rarely cooked a meal as she was going to at least three or four funerals a week.

Think that lady has moved near me now,unfortunately.:rolleyes:

Can't understand the obsession with death/funerals in Ireland.Surely how you live your life is more important than who goes to/what they wear/how many are at your funeral.
As a now deceased uncle of mine once said,people won't have a nice thing to say about you when you're alive but they'll travel miles to see you buried.

Andre80Johnson · 14-07-2011 10:03PM

There was a funeral recently in my family. An aunt of mine wore an orange t-shirt, a purple summer skirt and a green pair of sandles (I believe they are crocs or something) to a funeral three weeks ago. The worst thing about it was she was sitting in the second row as it was her brother in law / my uncle. Me being Deaf, I didn't hang around with my family members in the pub so I was told later there was a fair amount of arguing going on.

Kiera · 14-07-2011 10:23PM

I've lost my Dad and my sister and i have to say, I didnt even notice what my Mam was wearing let alone anyone else at the funerals. People are there to pay respect not attend a fashion show.

Princess Peach · 14-07-2011 10:29PM

Last funeral I was at was my gran-uncles, just wore my normal clothes, jeans and a nice jumper I think. Really hope nobody was offended, think the close family had other things on their mind.

If they were to get offended by anything it would have been when my brother left halfway through to vomit up his hangover.

goat2 · 14-07-2011 10:33PM

Im Only 71Kg wrote: »

would you be offended by someone wearing normal everyday clothes rather than a suit,shirt tie etc at a family members funeral?

lots of people dont have a suit, while others hate them, if casual is what they always wear, i dont see anything wrong with it, suits cost alot, and very little worn, better attend funeral dressed to ones own wishes, than not attend at all

BeerWolf · 14-07-2011 10:42PM

As long as they're looking decent, then I wouldn't be...

However if they came, wearing Tracksuit bottoms like what knackers usually wear then yes I would be...

the groutch · 14-07-2011 11:23PM

first the Dail, now funerals
what next?

round tower huntsman · 14-07-2011 11:30PM

no. dressing up is fine too.

aligator_am · 14-07-2011 11:31PM

I think it is a personal standpoint on what folk wear at your funeral, personally I couldn't give a flying Jaysus, if people turn up in scuba diving gear who am I to complain? the fact that they turned up, be it through stigma or through genuine interest that I've croaked it makes no odds.

There'll always be some old cúnt there that will give out about "the younger generation", those old poxbottles can go fúck themselves with a rusty hammer.

So long as friends and family are there at the funeral then I think that's all that matters, they're there to help ye if they can (assuming it's not your funeral lol), that's all that should matter IMO.

round tower huntsman · 14-07-2011 11:31PM

BeerWolf wrote: »

As long as they're looking decent, then I wouldn't be...

However if they came, wearing Tracksuit bottoms like what knackers usually wear then yes I would be...

but lots of people wear tracksuits..............even bertie:eek:

aligator_am · 14-07-2011 11:40PM

round tower huntsman wrote: »

but lots of people wear tracksuits..............even bertie:eek:

Ah sure that poor divil didn't even have a bank account, the fella was struggling after separating from his wife, and sure didn't his friends over in the UK give him a dig out, fair play to him that he got himself back on his feet from such a low point...

EDIT: to say that this post is well off topic, was hoping it would make some of you smile :P

Ditch · 15-07-2011 12:02AM

Im Only 71Kg wrote: »

not the newest looking clothes either but i dont have many clothes.

Right there. That's it: Listen; My old mum was dying of lung cancer and I got a jet to say my last farewell to her. A friend was all for whipping out his credit card, in a Gentleman's Outfitters, to get me all suited up.

To hell with that ~ despite the heart breakingly kind gesture of such an offer. I simply called ahead and said I'd be coming 'as is'. Much, in fact, as I am sat here right now.

Work shirt. Clean pair of trousers. Only, I believe I'd have been wearing a pair of hiking boots then. Now, all I own is my steel toe capped gum boots. If I were boarding that plane tonight? I'd wear them. It's the best I have and can afford. What the fcuk else Could I wear?!

No Way could I afford to fly back, just to watch a box of meat lowered into the ground (As my sister put it). My bro's never held that against me since either.

I spent my entire fcuking life giving my old dear due respect. Fact that, had I hijacked a plane, I'd still have turned up in less than a formal, black suit? Anyone has a problem with that? Fuck Them!!!

Salty · 15-07-2011 12:11AM

I wouldn't expect everyone to suit up for a funeral tbh, as long as they're not dressed in neon clothes it's generally grand.

However, I'll never forget the wagon who came to my granny's funeral a couple of years ago in a head to toe neon pink, velour (sp?) tracksuit. It still irks me a little even now.

Toots · 15-07-2011 12:12AM

If I was going to a funeral, I'd always wear something smart, usually a black suit and a black or white top underneath. It's not a huge issue for me to wear this because I'd wear a black suit to work anyway. Husband would usually wear smart trousers and a shirt. If it was a family member he'd wear a 'funeral' tie and jacket also, otherwise he'd just have the shirt. TBH, I couldn't give a toss what someone else wore to a funeral. As other people have said, if it was a family member of mine I'd be too upset to notice, and would just be glad that they turned out to pay their respects.

round tower huntsman · 15-07-2011 12:15AM

It still irks me a little even now.[/QUOTE]

why?

Salty · 15-07-2011 12:19AM

round tower huntsman wrote: »

why?

I didn't like the girl to begin with, and still don't tbh. It wouldn't have killed her to throw on a pair of jeans and a top that wasn't neon coloured. Maybe I got a bit more offended than I normally would have because it was an upsetting day.

southsiderosie · 15-07-2011 12:19AM

I'm surprised by the number of people on here who have said they don't own a suit at all...is this not part of being an adult? I can't imagine not having one 'go-to' suit for weddings/funerals/job interviews.

hilloftara · 15-07-2011 12:23AM

dont care what they wear so long as they turn up

round tower huntsman · 15-07-2011 12:26AM

_meehan_ wrote: »

I didn't like the girl to begin with, and still don't tbh. It wouldn't have killed her to throw on a pair of jeans and a top that wasn't neon coloured. Maybe I got a bit more offended than I normally would have because it was an upsetting day.

dont understand that tbh. if someone was mouthy or out of line at a funeral i'd understand that but critisicing them for what they wear is silly imo.

Tonyandthewhale · 15-07-2011 12:33AM

If someone close to you dies you shouldn't have to deal with old biddies tut tuting about the clothes you wear. If someone was to turn up to my funeral in a pair of shorts or snickers work clothes or a bikini or whatever I wouldn't care (even if I had the capacity to care at that stage). I think it's hugely inconsiderate to give out to people about such trivial matters at a time like that.

If you're going to a funeral to please one of the mourners then you should get dressed up in a resptable fashion if that's what's important to the mourners.
But if you're mourning yourself then you have every right to be comfortable on what might well be the worst day of your life. My best friend killed himself a few years ago and myself and a lot of my friends (some of the people closest to him the world) dressed fairly casually, as we normally would, because we had other things on our minds. I can assure that if someone had criticised my attire or accused me of being disrespectful on that day, I'd have throttled them.

nacho libre · 15-07-2011 12:45AM

Not at all. The only time i ever got offended at a funeral was when someone tried to take a picture of the corpse.

Offended at a funeral?

Comments