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A question for the single ladies

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  • #32
    Emme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Giselle wrote: »
    I understand where you're coming from, but the only man with children that I know I wouldn't be interested in, is one who DIDN'T put their kids first.

    Once you get to a certain age most men will have baggage of some sort, be it children, ex-wife or whatever. I have written off men with children who treat their children badly (one guy gave his daughter €21 for her 21st, she was living with her mum, not him) or never see them.

    I think the idea of happy-ever-after and being the star of a man's show is a myth especially as a woman gets older. You have to accept a person the way they are. If a man with children treats them well he is to be admired as this demonstrates a sense of commitment and responsibility.

    I would be wary of a man with children who has a lot of contact with the mother of his children (more than is necessary) or isn't long out of the relationship with the children's mother. Like another poster said, there is always the possibility of him going back to his children's mother for the sake of the children.

    I've never dated a man with children for a long time, but it's getting to the stage where it's doubtful if I'll have children myself. This means that it's unfair for me to date a man without children as he might want them himself. Also if I do date a man with children I have to accept that they come first in his life.

    Basically, whether you decide to date a man with children or not depends on what you want out of life and what stage in life you're at. I wouldn't advise a diva princess type to date a man with children because you could often find he cancels obligations with you if something relating to his children comes up.


  • #33
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Giselle wrote: »
    I understand where you're coming from, but the only man with children that I know I wouldn't be interested in, is one who DIDN'T put their kids first.

    IMO, the true bottom line litmus test of what kind of human being you are is how you treat your offspring [if you have them.]

    Im trying to understand what this 'being put first' thing means. If a man said that to me, I'd ask, 'what do you mean exactly?' That you are the center of my universe? That all choices revolve around or defer to you?

    If you are in my family, my family is put first. It works as unit. It has to. But even if I were single without a child, I'd still be put off by a' I want to be put first demand.' Why? You are not a child. Or is it that you dont want the child because you want to BE the child.


  • #34
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I'm not single but if I were, I think it would depend entirely on the circumstances.

    Is he ignoring his kids and refusing to pay maintenance? No way I'd be interested. Is he a good dad, kind man and getting on well with his ex? I wouldn't rule it out. Does he spend bare minimum of time, effort and money on his kids and/or have bitter and resentful ex who loves nothing more than causing strife and desperately wants him back - wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. Does his kids live with him and he has a healthy relationship with his ex? Again, I'd be open to the possibility...


  • #35
    Giselle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,540 ✭✭✭Giselle


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    If you are in my family, my family is put first. It works as unit. It has to. But even if I were single without a child, I'd still be put off by a' I want to be put first demand.' Why? You are not a child. Or is it that you dont want the child because you want to BE the child.

    I don't understand the expectation that you 'should' come first either. Surely theres room for everyone to be important in their own context?


  • #36
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    quote]Im trying to understand what this 'being put first' thing means. If a man said that to me, I'd ask, 'what do you mean exactly?' That you are the center of my universe? That all choices revolve around or defer to you?

    If you are in my family, my family is put first. It works as unit. It has to. But even if I were single without a child, I'd still be put off by a' I want to be put first demand.' Why? You are not a child. Or is it that you dont want the child because you want to BE the child. [/quote]

    It's not necessarily about being "put first" as such, but more that you will never even be on the same level as importance as the mans child(ren). (And rightly so his kids should come first)

    If i had a child with a man then they are my children and he is the father of my children, i'd love them both equally, and hopefully him me, like you said we are a unit. But if i started a relationship with a man who already has kids, i'm sorry but it would never truly be a proper unit, at the end of the day his flesh and blood are his family, and the woman who gave birth to his flesh and blood is also part of his family, you would always beneath them.

    Now some women are willing to accept having to put up with always being the 3rd/4th/5th person on his list of priorities and that's fine if you want to accept that, and fair play maybe they're way more selfless than I. But personally i couldn't deal with not even being an equal to his children/mother of his children.

    And i absolutely accept that some people view that as immature, divaish etc etc but honestly i couldn't handle that, in the same way i wouldn't be in a relationship with a mammys boy who always put his mother first, i'm not expecting to be put on a pedestal and worshiped and always "put first" but i'm also not willing to not even be of equal importance to the other people in his life.

    Hope that doesn't sound too anti people with kids, it's just a brutal honest personal opinion.


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  • #37
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    ^ You would be very very surprised.


  • #38
    Novella
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    Emme wrote: »
    Once you get to a certain age most men will have baggage of some sort, be it children, ex-wife or whatever. I have written off men with children who treat their children badly (one guy gave his daughter €21 for her 21st, she was living with her mum, not him) or never see them.

    I do agree with you about everyone having baggage but this thread is about having children. I'd be accepting of baggage - emotional trauma due to break ups, an ex-wife etc. - but having a child is different. It's not baggage. Having a child means that the man has created a whole new life with another person and for me, that is too much. If I ever wanna make babies, I wanna do it with someone who hasn't done it before. I want to make a family without step-children, without half-siblings. It isn't that I think life is all rosy and perfect like that because I'm young. That's just what I want, that's how I see myself doing things. (Obviously things might not happen this way, but I think it's okay to want that and to strive for it.)
    I think the idea of happy-ever-after and being the star of a man's show is a myth especially as a woman gets older. You have to accept a person the way they are.

    I think it's terribly sad if 'happily ever after' is a myth, I really do. I don't know why exactly, but sentiments like these just irk me. If a woman met a man, really liked him, he had a child and she was thoroughly put off by that, why exactly should she accept it or him? If she wants to wait for a man without a child, that is her prerogative. There are plenty of other women who wouldn't mind the child, who would love it and not just accept it.


  • #39
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    maybe another thing is, would it be that you're not just getting into a relationship with one person, you're getting into a relationship with their kids as well?


  • #40
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    I think having a baby is the new virginity.


  • #41
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Novella wrote: »
    I do agree with you about everyone having baggage but this thread is about having children. I'd be accepting of baggage - emotional trauma due to break ups, an ex-wife etc. - but having a child is different. It's not baggage. Having a child means that the man has created a whole new life with another person and for me, that is too much. If I ever wanna make babies, I wanna do it with someone who hasn't done it before. I want to make a family without step-children, without half-siblings. It isn't that I think life is all rosy and perfect like that because I'm young. That's just what I want, that's how I see myself doing things. (Obviously things might not happen this way, but I think it's okay to want that and to strive for it.)



    I think it's terribly sad if 'happily ever after' is a myth, I really do. I don't know why exactly, but sentiments like these just irk me. If a woman met a man, really liked him, he had a child and she was thoroughly put off by that, why exactly should she accept it or him? If she wants to wait for a man without a child, that is her prerogative. There are plenty of other women who wouldn't mind the child, who would love it and not just accept it.

    Everybody wants this. Some people get it and some don't. Some people get it for a little while, only to find their kids have step siblings and half siblings and step parents later on. Some people wait for the whole package and get nothing and die having zero of what they wanted.

    Thats the thing about the happy ending, it isnt the ending, its just the beginning.... but they dont show you that part.


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  • #42
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think having a baby is the new virginity.
    Wow that's a bit flippant tbh.
    Comparing apples and oranges.
    Having a child, bringing life into the world is a HUGE deal, it creates a very unique bond between the 2 people involved.

    You may not agree with peoples opinions about not wanting a relationship with someone who already has a child, it's obviously gonna be a touchy subject for some, but there's no need to be condescending/belittling and disrespectful of peoples opinions (which are just as valid as yours) just because you don't happen agree with them.


  • #43
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    I think having a baby is the new virginity.
    I don't even know what that's supposed to mean? :confused:


  • #44
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    It was a sillly joke that's all.

    just an opinion- Its not that I dont agree with people's not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child. I think its perfectly understandable but not for the reasons mentioned, which I think exist in pure fantasy land, however there are far more serious reasons not to, that's all.

    For example, having a child with someone does not necessarily create a bond between them at all. The cookie doesnt always crumble that way. Statistically new babies often break up relationships.


  • #45
    WesternNight
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,286 ✭✭✭WesternNight


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    It was a sillly joke that's all.

    just an opinion- Its not that I dont agree with people's not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child. I think its perfectly understandable but not for the reasons mentioned, which I think exist in pure fantasy land, however there are far more serious reasons not to, that's all.

    It's just as well people get to decide for themselves what reasons are acceptable then, I guess.


  • #46
    robinph
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 24,146 Mod ✭✭✭✭robinph


    I'm just passing through and had a read of the answers here. I don't think any of you have actually answered the original question though which was about a bloke and him having kids and if he was still potential dating material.

    You have all answered a question about a bloke, and his ex-partner. The kids seem to have actually been a side issue in most answers and the issues seem to be about the relationship with the kids mother.


  • #47
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I'm not sure how you'd separate the two tbh...if you are going to consider dating a father, the relationship he has with his kids - and by extension their mother - is going to determine how attractive a proposition that is, isn't it? How do you determine if a father is dating material without also taking the other obvious considerations into account? :confused:


  • #48
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    Having been a child who grew up in the middle of feuding parents who later divorced, and having watched my father remarry and endured all the drama of that situation, I would be very wary of getting involved with a man who had a child from a previous relationship.


  • #49
    robinph
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 24,146 Mod ✭✭✭✭robinph


    Ickle Magoo wrote: »
    I'm not sure how you'd separate the two tbh...if you are going to consider dating a father, the relationship he has with his kids - and by extension their mother - is going to determine how attractive a proposition that is, isn't it? How do you determine if a father is dating material without also taking the other obvious considerations into account? :confused:

    Well the father could be the primary carer for the children, OK it's Ireland and that is basically impossible if the mother is still alive but still. I guess I'm just half thinking about the opposite question being placd to men about dating women with children and that the father of the kids would not be such an issue in any potential relationship.


  • #50
    Everly Ambitious Script
    Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Everly Ambitious Script


    robinph wrote: »
    I'm just passing through and had a read of the answers here. I don't think any of you have actually answered the original question though which was about a bloke and him having kids and if he was still potential dating material.

    You have all answered a question about a bloke, and his ex-partner. The kids seem to have actually been a side issue in most answers and the issues seem to be about the relationship with the kids mother.

    No, I answered the question about a guy having kids :confused::confused:


  • #51
    Rachiee
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 880 ✭✭✭Rachiee


    for me it would actually be a positive thing i absolutely adore kids would be excited if i found out someone i was going out with already had kids so long as they were a great parent that is bad parenting would completely put me off


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  • #52
    robinph
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 24,146 Mod ✭✭✭✭robinph


    bluewolf wrote: »
    No, I answered the question about a guy having kids :confused::confused:

    Yep, sorry for using the word "all" in my previous post. ;)


  • #53
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    robinph wrote: »
    Well the father could be the primary carer for the children, OK it's Ireland and that is basically impossible if the mother is still alive but still. I guess I'm just half thinking about the opposite question being placd to men about dating women with children and that the father of the kids would not be such an issue in any potential relationship.

    I'm not following why you think commenting on the relationship he has with his kids or the potential for added stress from an ex isn't answering the question of whether the ladies here would date a man with children...

    Just for the record, the father being primary carer also factored into my original considerations here - without the variables which would clearly factor in whether I pursued or declined further contact, the question is akin to asking if I'd date a guy giving no more detail than his hair colour.


  • #54
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    It was a sillly joke that's all.

    sorry if I came across snarky, I meant that I didn't get what you were on about
    robinph wrote: »
    I'm just passing through and had a read of the answers here. I don't think any of you have actually answered the original question though which was about a bloke and him having kids and if he was still potential dating material.

    You have all answered a question about a bloke, and his ex-partner. The kids seem to have actually been a side issue in most answers and the issues seem to be about the relationship with the kids mother.

    well, I'm not interested in men romantically. :o just throwing in my 2 cents anyway


  • #55
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    robinph wrote: »
    Well the father could be the primary carer for the children, OK it's Ireland and that is basically impossible if the mother is still alive but still. I guess I'm just half thinking about the opposite question being placd to men about dating women with children and that the father of the kids would not be such an issue in any potential relationship.

    Yeah, I noticed that too. I also dont come across the 'I wanna come first' that much with the men, although they say they dont want be dads to someone else's kid, which is fair enough. It doesnt seem that the bio fathers of the kids are that much of an issue really for the men.

    Ickle is totally right about the relationship with the ex and his kids though. Certainly it should be avoided when things are raw and unsettled and he still hasnt resolved things or cleaned up the mess after a break up. That is, from what I have noticed is when things get really bad. Relationships change too, he could have a bad one with the ex, then a good one, then maybe none at all.


  • #56
    robinph
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 24,146 Mod ✭✭✭✭robinph


    Ickle Magoo wrote: »
    I'm not following why you think commenting on the relationship he has with his kids or the potential for added stress from an ex isn't answering the question of whether the ladies here would date a man with children...

    Just for the record, the father being primary carer also factored into my original considerations here - without the variables which would clearly factor in whether I pursued or declined further contact, the question is akin to asking if I'd date a guy giving no more detail than his hair colour.

    It is of course relevant, but the OP was talking in terms of romanitc notions of both having the first kid together and such like, nothing about exes or the mother of the children in question. There have been people answering in the negative based on the same romanitc idea of sharing the experience of having a kid together, but seems to be a lot more of you are agaiinst the idea due to the ex.

    The ex is of course relavent if they are around, but the question was about children and their father is all.


  • #57
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Maybe some of us are just talking from realistic experience of one ensuring the other was never going to happen, rather than romantic ideas? :)


  • #58
    Kanoe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,522 ✭✭✭Kanoe


    Links234 wrote: »
    well, I'm not interested in men romantically. :o just throwing in my 2 cents anyway
    ditto, but I was involved with a woman who had a child for a little while. little bit different tho :o (still it wouldn't be a problem for me, just a lot of other people had issues with it so doubt it would ever happen again :( )


  • #59
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    I knew of a couple cases where there relationship with the dad and the bio mom was so bad that the step mom and the bio mom did all the communicating. They got on better than the bio mom and the dad did.


  • #60
    Corkblowin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 622 ✭✭✭Corkblowin


    Also speaking from a male POV, I dated a woman with a young son for close on a year ( he was 2 when we met), and while a child wouldn't put me off entering a relationship, I found the breakup doubly hard as it also meant breaking up with him :( it's not an experience I'd like to repeat. While we had discussed the impact of me entering his life, we had never considered the reverse- how the attachment with a child can complicate issues when the adult relationship isn't working out.

    Even now at a bit of a remove, it's him I miss not her! :)


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  • #61
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,019 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


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