A question for the single ladies

Mawbish

Hey y'all,

I'm sorry if this question has been posed before but here goes...

After discussing matters of love and boyfriends with a friend the other day we came to the realisation that we've given up on the 'Cinderella' fairy tale and we accept that men have faults just like we do but an interesting thing came up - we've noticed that as we're now in our 30's that the majority if not all of the men we meet these days have at least one or two children with previous partners and while it would not be an issue in itself the romantic idea of meeting Mr Right settling down and then having a child together as an adventure that we experience for the first time ever together.

I'm not a die hard romantic - far too practical for that! LOL

But my friends have more or less decided that they're going to discount men who have children from previous relationships in the hope that they can have that 'adventure' together.

Does anyone else feel this way or have had friends say something similar?

Giselle

I wouldn't rule out a man because he had a child or children, EVERYTHING depends on the person, and discounting people out of hand is a bit short sighted.

If I was certain I never wanted children myself I probably wouldn't want to involve myself with a man who does, so I understand it from that angle, but for me it all depends on the guy and the child(ren).

metrovelvet

I would have thought that too, but now a little wiser in some ways I would prefer a man who was already broken in and house trained so to speak.

Smiley G

my best mate (back home in uk) met a guy a year ago and still going strong... she is early 40s and he is late 30s, neither has ever had kids or been married before. She is now facing the big question of 'do i want kids?' as she is having period and fibroid problems. So its kinda now or never.

Personally I think if you meet the right person then if they have kids from past relationships then so be it. If you dismiss a guy for having a little baggage you may end up losing someone special and there are no guarentees that you will be able to have kids in your 30s and 40s.

I am not very paternally minded so it has never bothered me... but i would not be put off a guy with kids....

..... a crazy ex wife on the other hand could be a serious deal breaker:D

Someone having kids already wouldn't be an issue for me, no. The partner of one of my best friends had a child before meeting her and they get on brilliantly. It's all worked out very well for them.
It would be such a shame to discount someone just because of that I mean, they could always have kids together in the future and it would be a first for them as a couple?

the romantic idea of meeting Mr Right settling down and then having a child together as an adventure that we experience for the first time ever together.

I don't know, I see where you're coming from, but... it's not a romantic idea I've ever subscribed to. Any issues I'd see would be stories I've heard about exes using the children as control or causing maintenance issues or any number of more practical things.

All that said, if that's what they want, that's what they want

LeeHoffmann

I wouldn't go near a man with children. Much too complicated. Almost always long-term difficulties for all involved, ime. That idea of the adventure together wouldn't factor into it, though I suppose it's kind of more romantic.

Malari

I think if I wanted to have kids this wouldn't be an issue for me. If I was fond of children and liked having them around I would not really have a problem with a guy who already had a child. Now the mother of that child, I would NOT want a relationship with

However, I'm not having kids and so have discounted any men with children all my life (as potential partners). It's definitely a deal-breaker for me.

Edit: Realised you wanted single ladies' opinions - but I answered with my point of view from when I was single!

shinny

This is a hard one to answer. I'd have reservations, but not because I'd be bothered that he had a child. I think I'd be more put off about the fact that any children we had together then would have a half brother/sister somewhere. The idea of that is kinda off putting to me.

I've seen the complications that causes with some of my friends and even just the mother of the other child getting involved in their business.

I suppose if I couldn't have children or he couldn't have anymore that would become a moot point.

So say I could get over the above (and I'm not saying I couldn't, there's potential there!) if a man had a child from another relationship and had nothing to do with that child (at his choice and not forced by the mother) then I'd I wouldn't be bothered with him.

almostnever

It'd be a bit of a no-no for me because I don't want to have children or be a maternal type figure, but I wouldn't rule someone out completely because of that. It'd be unlikely but possible I could overcome that, especially if I really loved the guy in question and felt it was a "sacrifice" worth making. It's worth bearing in mind though that I'm eighteen and have never been in a relationship so this is all highly theoretical :pac:

Kanoe

I fell really hard for someone who had a young kid and I think the fact they had a child was a big part of the reason why I did. They were definitely much more mature and as I have a grown up one of my own I suppose it meant that I was more comfortable having someone I could relate to in terms of where they were in their life. There would be a lot of reasons why I would, probably very selfish ones though, to me the idea of waking up and having a family breakfast or day trips out with the kids is very appealing. I'm weird like that though

krudler

metrovelvet wrote: »

I would have thought that too, but now a little wiser in some ways I would prefer a man who was already broken in and house trained so to speak.

We're not dogs

metrovelvet

You know what. It does get complicated whent here are kids. If only because if you are involved with a man with kids, and I mean involved and not just dating, then like it or not you become pretty damn important to those kids, either because they hate and resent you or because they love and adore you. You become the second most important woman in their lives as their dad's partner/wife. First one is mom, second is you.

And yeah, that is scary.

Gunsfortoys

metrovelvet wrote: »

I would have thought that too, but now a little wiser in some ways I would prefer a man who was already broken in and house trained so to speak.

If you consider that crap wise then I'm glad I don't ask you for advice on many things. What sexist drivel.

Wibbs

Lets dial back on the housetraining and broken in nonsense please Metrovelvet. You wouldn't like similar said of you I'm quite sure. Thanks.

metrovelvet

Its just a figure of speech.

iluvcake

Speaking as someone who has had a relationship with a guy that had kids, I'm not so sure I would be in a rush to get into one again (obviously depending on the circumstances...) my ex decided to break up with me and go back to his partner and kids "for the sake of the kids", needless to say I wasn't too happy about that, but I didn't have a choice. I was happy for us to continue as we were etc and maybe some day I could be introduced but unfortunately that didn't happen.
I don't want to tar every guy with the same brush, but my experience wasn't pleasant, although every situation is different I suppose.

Gunsfortoys

metrovelvet wrote: »

Its just a figure of speech.

So is "get back in the kitchen" but people get banned for that.

fee fi fo fum

I've never dated someone who has kids for the simple reason that i think when you have a child that child should become the most important person in your life , everybody else comes after.

I'd like to be the most important person in someones life first before creating a more important person together.

Sounds a bit lame reading over it but i've always felt like that.

krudler

It'd put me off tbh, I love the getting to know each other part of new relationships, heading off on random days out, nights out dancing, factoring a kid and babysitters and dropping them off to relatives and having to plan everything around that doesnt seem as fun, I guess it'd depend on the situation as well though, ya never know with these things.

Novella

I'd love to say that a man having a child from a previous relationship wouldn't put me off, but the truth is, it would. I get all of the 'oh, if you really liked him, it wouldn't matter' stuff, I do understand that side of the argument but honestly, I would still prefer there to be no child.

I know it sounds selfish and idealistic but if and/or when I decide to have a family, I do hope it'll be a first for both myself and my partner. I still believe in fairytales. I still think there'll be a happily ever after.

LegacyUser

No i wouldn't want a relationship with a man who already has kids. As selfish as it sounds i wouldn't even give the relationship a chance, it's just an instant deal breaker for me.

For 2 reasons
1) I think having your first child (well i imagine as i have no children of my own) must be such a beautiful, incredible experience and part of the pure joy of the experience is to share it with the father of your child for the very first time, the newness and wonder of it all. If a guy already has kids you'd never get to share that experience with him, and that's not an experience i could ever knowingly deny myself tbh.

2) I just can't imagine being a 3rd parent to a child. No matter how much you loved your partner and grew to love his children, you'd always be 3rd place to their mother. They'd probably spend as much time around you, but would/could never love you as much as they do their parents, there would never be that "unconditional love" you have with your own children and i find that idea terribly sad tbh.

sam34

absolute dealbreaker for me, i wouldnt get involved with a man who had children

username123

Im not single, but from my single lady viewpoint - Im not interested in having kids or remotely maternal so I wouldnt be into it. If he had adult kids I wouldnt mind. Id have zero interest in doing kid stuff with a guy and his kid(s) - not in a bad way, but in the same way Id have zero interest in hearing about, talking about, going to or watching football - below my radar, not something I pay any attention to. I doubt a guy would want his kid to meet me given my absolute lack of interest!!!!

Im not saying itd be a deal breaker but I just probably wouldnt be into a guy with an interest (assuming he is interested in his kid!) in something Ive no interest in. Same way I wouldnt be into a guy who follows football, or who does drugs, or who is very religious - none of these things interest me so I just wouldnt dig the guy with any of these interests.

Stheno

metrovelvet wrote: »

Its just a figure of speech.

Metrovelvet please read the charter, arguing with a mod on thread is not permitted across boards, if you have a problem with a mods post please contact them or another mod to discuss.

booboo88

Theres never a fairytale ending, at least with the men ive met.....either nutjobs or closet cases.
I couldnt see myself being into a guy with kids, im not maternal at all, and i never want kids, and i certainly don't want someone elses

sollar

Very interesting thread. Its pretty much the same as men's view of women with kids. It seems more would have a problem with it than not.

Neyite

I never really thought about it until I read this thread. Now I have realised that I have never dated a man who had any children from a previous relationship. However, a big dealbreaker for me would be finding out he was a dad, and abandoned his kid. Bat outta hell there because if he can dump his own responsiblities then I dont want someone like that.

For me - I dont think that I would have discounted a man for having a child before I came on the scene, but then that relationship and its tranquility would be influenced by his relationship with the mother of his child. I think as a new partner, you will always come last. Thats the way it should be but it doesnt mean you have to like it.

Now I am with 'the one' and we are trying for a baby. I love that this is so new to both of us, we get to share this amazing first together. It would be crap if he was all "meh, I know how this goes" when I am all brand new at it.

WesternNight

It wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker, but it would make me more reluctant to pursue a relationship. Aside from the usual wanting to experience first-time parenthood with my partner, I'd be reluctant for the sake of the child(ren). It would add another layer of pressure, because there would be children's lives to consider and I'd need to be pretty damn sure about the guy before messing around with the stability of the lives of his children.

Snoopy1

If i was single, and when i was single last year, i wouldn't go near a man with kids.
A im not maternal,
B I would feel like 2nd best

c all of the above reasons given here

Giselle

Snoopy1 wrote: »

B I would feel like 2nd best

I understand where you're coming from, but the only man with children that I know I wouldn't be interested in, is one who DIDN'T put their kids first.

metrovelvet

What does that mean 'be put first?' Any concrete examples to illustrate please?

Emme

Giselle wrote: »

I understand where you're coming from, but the only man with children that I know I wouldn't be interested in, is one who DIDN'T put their kids first.

Once you get to a certain age most men will have baggage of some sort, be it children, ex-wife or whatever. I have written off men with children who treat their children badly (one guy gave his daughter €21 for her 21st, she was living with her mum, not him) or never see them.

I think the idea of happy-ever-after and being the star of a man's show is a myth especially as a woman gets older. You have to accept a person the way they are. If a man with children treats them well he is to be admired as this demonstrates a sense of commitment and responsibility.

I would be wary of a man with children who has a lot of contact with the mother of his children (more than is necessary) or isn't long out of the relationship with the children's mother. Like another poster said, there is always the possibility of him going back to his children's mother for the sake of the children.

I've never dated a man with children for a long time, but it's getting to the stage where it's doubtful if I'll have children myself. This means that it's unfair for me to date a man without children as he might want them himself. Also if I do date a man with children I have to accept that they come first in his life.

Basically, whether you decide to date a man with children or not depends on what you want out of life and what stage in life you're at. I wouldn't advise a diva princess type to date a man with children because you could often find he cancels obligations with you if something relating to his children comes up.

metrovelvet

Giselle wrote: »

I understand where you're coming from, but the only man with children that I know I wouldn't be interested in, is one who DIDN'T put their kids first.

IMO, the true bottom line litmus test of what kind of human being you are is how you treat your offspring [if you have them.]

Im trying to understand what this 'being put first' thing means. If a man said that to me, I'd ask, 'what do you mean exactly?' That you are the center of my universe? That all choices revolve around or defer to you?

If you are in my family, my family is put first. It works as unit. It has to. But even if I were single without a child, I'd still be put off by a' I want to be put first demand.' Why? You are not a child. Or is it that you dont want the child because you want to BE the child.

Ickle Magoo

I'm not single but if I were, I think it would depend entirely on the circumstances.

Is he ignoring his kids and refusing to pay maintenance? No way I'd be interested. Is he a good dad, kind man and getting on well with his ex? I wouldn't rule it out. Does he spend bare minimum of time, effort and money on his kids and/or have bitter and resentful ex who loves nothing more than causing strife and desperately wants him back - wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. Does his kids live with him and he has a healthy relationship with his ex? Again, I'd be open to the possibility...

Giselle

metrovelvet wrote: »

If you are in my family, my family is put first. It works as unit. It has to. But even if I were single without a child, I'd still be put off by a' I want to be put first demand.' Why? You are not a child. Or is it that you dont want the child because you want to BE the child.

I don't understand the expectation that you 'should' come first either. Surely theres room for everyone to be important in their own context?

LegacyUser

quote]Im trying to understand what this 'being put first' thing means. If a man said that to me, I'd ask, 'what do you mean exactly?' That you are the center of my universe? That all choices revolve around or defer to you?

If you are in my family, my family is put first. It works as unit. It has to. But even if I were single without a child, I'd still be put off by a' I want to be put first demand.' Why? You are not a child. Or is it that you dont want the child because you want to BE the child. [/quote]

It's not necessarily about being "put first" as such, but more that you will never even be on the same level as importance as the mans child(ren). (And rightly so his kids should come first)

If i had a child with a man then they are my children and he is the father of my children, i'd love them both equally, and hopefully him me, like you said we are a unit. But if i started a relationship with a man who already has kids, i'm sorry but it would never truly be a proper unit, at the end of the day his flesh and blood are his family, and the woman who gave birth to his flesh and blood is also part of his family, you would always beneath them.

Now some women are willing to accept having to put up with always being the 3rd/4th/5th person on his list of priorities and that's fine if you want to accept that, and fair play maybe they're way more selfless than I. But personally i couldn't deal with not even being an equal to his children/mother of his children.

And i absolutely accept that some people view that as immature, divaish etc etc but honestly i couldn't handle that, in the same way i wouldn't be in a relationship with a mammys boy who always put his mother first, i'm not expecting to be put on a pedestal and worshiped and always "put first" but i'm also not willing to not even be of equal importance to the other people in his life.

Hope that doesn't sound too anti people with kids, it's just a brutal honest personal opinion.

metrovelvet

^ You would be very very surprised.

Novella

Emme wrote: »

Once you get to a certain age most men will have baggage of some sort, be it children, ex-wife or whatever. I have written off men with children who treat their children badly (one guy gave his daughter €21 for her 21st, she was living with her mum, not him) or never see them.

I do agree with you about everyone having baggage but this thread is about having children. I'd be accepting of baggage - emotional trauma due to break ups, an ex-wife etc. - but having a child is different. It's not baggage. Having a child means that the man has created a whole new life with another person and for me, that is too much. If I ever wanna make babies, I wanna do it with someone who hasn't done it before. I want to make a family without step-children, without half-siblings. It isn't that I think life is all rosy and perfect like that because I'm young. That's just what I want, that's how I see myself doing things. (Obviously things might not happen this way, but I think it's okay to want that and to strive for it.)

I think the idea of happy-ever-after and being the star of a man's show is a myth especially as a woman gets older. You have to accept a person the way they are.

I think it's terribly sad if 'happily ever after' is a myth, I really do. I don't know why exactly, but sentiments like these just irk me. If a woman met a man, really liked him, he had a child and she was thoroughly put off by that, why exactly should she accept it or him? If she wants to wait for a man without a child, that is her prerogative. There are plenty of other women who wouldn't mind the child, who would love it and not just accept it.

Links234

maybe another thing is, would it be that you're not just getting into a relationship with one person, you're getting into a relationship with their kids as well?

metrovelvet

I think having a baby is the new virginity.

metrovelvet

Novella wrote: »

I do agree with you about everyone having baggage but this thread is about having children. I'd be accepting of baggage - emotional trauma due to break ups, an ex-wife etc. - but having a child is different. It's not baggage. Having a child means that the man has created a whole new life with another person and for me, that is too much. If I ever wanna make babies, I wanna do it with someone who hasn't done it before. I want to make a family without step-children, without half-siblings. It isn't that I think life is all rosy and perfect like that because I'm young. That's just what I want, that's how I see myself doing things. (Obviously things might not happen this way, but I think it's okay to want that and to strive for it.)



I think it's terribly sad if 'happily ever after' is a myth, I really do. I don't know why exactly, but sentiments like these just irk me. If a woman met a man, really liked him, he had a child and she was thoroughly put off by that, why exactly should she accept it or him? If she wants to wait for a man without a child, that is her prerogative. There are plenty of other women who wouldn't mind the child, who would love it and not just accept it.

Everybody wants this. Some people get it and some don't. Some people get it for a little while, only to find their kids have step siblings and half siblings and step parents later on. Some people wait for the whole package and get nothing and die having zero of what they wanted.

Thats the thing about the happy ending, it isnt the ending, its just the beginning.... but they dont show you that part.

LegacyUser

I think having a baby is the new virginity.

Wow that's a bit flippant tbh.
Comparing apples and oranges.
Having a child, bringing life into the world is a HUGE deal, it creates a very unique bond between the 2 people involved.

You may not agree with peoples opinions about not wanting a relationship with someone who already has a child, it's obviously gonna be a touchy subject for some, but there's no need to be condescending/belittling and disrespectful of peoples opinions (which are just as valid as yours) just because you don't happen agree with them.

Links234

metrovelvet wrote: »

I think having a baby is the new virginity.

I don't even know what that's supposed to mean?

metrovelvet

It was a sillly joke that's all.

just an opinion- Its not that I dont agree with people's not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child. I think its perfectly understandable but not for the reasons mentioned, which I think exist in pure fantasy land, however there are far more serious reasons not to, that's all.

For example, having a child with someone does not necessarily create a bond between them at all. The cookie doesnt always crumble that way. Statistically new babies often break up relationships.

WesternNight

metrovelvet wrote: »

It was a sillly joke that's all.

just an opinion- Its not that I dont agree with people's not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child. I think its perfectly understandable but not for the reasons mentioned, which I think exist in pure fantasy land, however there are far more serious reasons not to, that's all.

It's just as well people get to decide for themselves what reasons are acceptable then, I guess.

robinph

I'm just passing through and had a read of the answers here. I don't think any of you have actually answered the original question though which was about a bloke and him having kids and if he was still potential dating material.

You have all answered a question about a bloke, and his ex-partner. The kids seem to have actually been a side issue in most answers and the issues seem to be about the relationship with the kids mother.

Ickle Magoo

I'm not sure how you'd separate the two tbh...if you are going to consider dating a father, the relationship he has with his kids - and by extension their mother - is going to determine how attractive a proposition that is, isn't it? How do you determine if a father is dating material without also taking the other obvious considerations into account?

Maple

Having been a child who grew up in the middle of feuding parents who later divorced, and having watched my father remarry and endured all the drama of that situation, I would be very wary of getting involved with a man who had a child from a previous relationship.

robinph

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm not sure how you'd separate the two tbh...if you are going to consider dating a father, the relationship he has with his kids - and by extension their mother - is going to determine how attractive a proposition that is, isn't it? How do you determine if a father is dating material without also taking the other obvious considerations into account?

Well the father could be the primary carer for the children, OK it's Ireland and that is basically impossible if the mother is still alive but still. I guess I'm just half thinking about the opposite question being placd to men about dating women with children and that the father of the kids would not be such an issue in any potential relationship.

robinph

robinph wrote: »

I'm just passing through and had a read of the answers here. I don't think any of you have actually answered the original question though which was about a bloke and him having kids and if he was still potential dating material.

You have all answered a question about a bloke, and his ex-partner. The kids seem to have actually been a side issue in most answers and the issues seem to be about the relationship with the kids mother.

No, I answered the question about a guy having kids

Rachiee

for me it would actually be a positive thing i absolutely adore kids would be excited if i found out someone i was going out with already had kids so long as they were a great parent that is bad parenting would completely put me off