A question for the single ladies

Mawbish

Hey y'all,

I'm sorry if this question has been posed before but here goes...

After discussing matters of love and boyfriends with a friend the other day we came to the realisation that we've given up on the 'Cinderella' fairy tale and we accept that men have faults just like we do but an interesting thing came up - we've noticed that as we're now in our 30's that the majority if not all of the men we meet these days have at least one or two children with previous partners and while it would not be an issue in itself the romantic idea of meeting Mr Right settling down and then having a child together as an adventure that we experience for the first time ever together.

I'm not a die hard romantic - far too practical for that! LOL

But my friends have more or less decided that they're going to discount men who have children from previous relationships in the hope that they can have that 'adventure' together.

Does anyone else feel this way or have had friends say something similar?

Giselle

I wouldn't rule out a man because he had a child or children, EVERYTHING depends on the person, and discounting people out of hand is a bit short sighted.

If I was certain I never wanted children myself I probably wouldn't want to involve myself with a man who does, so I understand it from that angle, but for me it all depends on the guy and the child(ren).

metrovelvet

I would have thought that too, but now a little wiser in some ways I would prefer a man who was already broken in and house trained so to speak.

Smiley G

my best mate (back home in uk) met a guy a year ago and still going strong... she is early 40s and he is late 30s, neither has ever had kids or been married before. She is now facing the big question of 'do i want kids?' as she is having period and fibroid problems. So its kinda now or never.

Personally I think if you meet the right person then if they have kids from past relationships then so be it. If you dismiss a guy for having a little baggage you may end up losing someone special and there are no guarentees that you will be able to have kids in your 30s and 40s.

I am not very paternally minded so it has never bothered me... but i would not be put off a guy with kids....

..... a crazy ex wife on the other hand could be a serious deal breaker:D

Someone having kids already wouldn't be an issue for me, no. The partner of one of my best friends had a child before meeting her and they get on brilliantly. It's all worked out very well for them.
It would be such a shame to discount someone just because of that I mean, they could always have kids together in the future and it would be a first for them as a couple?

the romantic idea of meeting Mr Right settling down and then having a child together as an adventure that we experience for the first time ever together.

I don't know, I see where you're coming from, but... it's not a romantic idea I've ever subscribed to. Any issues I'd see would be stories I've heard about exes using the children as control or causing maintenance issues or any number of more practical things.

All that said, if that's what they want, that's what they want

LeeHoffmann

I wouldn't go near a man with children. Much too complicated. Almost always long-term difficulties for all involved, ime. That idea of the adventure together wouldn't factor into it, though I suppose it's kind of more romantic.

Malari

I think if I wanted to have kids this wouldn't be an issue for me. If I was fond of children and liked having them around I would not really have a problem with a guy who already had a child. Now the mother of that child, I would NOT want a relationship with

However, I'm not having kids and so have discounted any men with children all my life (as potential partners). It's definitely a deal-breaker for me.

Edit: Realised you wanted single ladies' opinions - but I answered with my point of view from when I was single!

shinny

This is a hard one to answer. I'd have reservations, but not because I'd be bothered that he had a child. I think I'd be more put off about the fact that any children we had together then would have a half brother/sister somewhere. The idea of that is kinda off putting to me.

I've seen the complications that causes with some of my friends and even just the mother of the other child getting involved in their business.

I suppose if I couldn't have children or he couldn't have anymore that would become a moot point.

So say I could get over the above (and I'm not saying I couldn't, there's potential there!) if a man had a child from another relationship and had nothing to do with that child (at his choice and not forced by the mother) then I'd I wouldn't be bothered with him.

almostnever

It'd be a bit of a no-no for me because I don't want to have children or be a maternal type figure, but I wouldn't rule someone out completely because of that. It'd be unlikely but possible I could overcome that, especially if I really loved the guy in question and felt it was a "sacrifice" worth making. It's worth bearing in mind though that I'm eighteen and have never been in a relationship so this is all highly theoretical :pac:

Kanoe

I fell really hard for someone who had a young kid and I think the fact they had a child was a big part of the reason why I did. They were definitely much more mature and as I have a grown up one of my own I suppose it meant that I was more comfortable having someone I could relate to in terms of where they were in their life. There would be a lot of reasons why I would, probably very selfish ones though, to me the idea of waking up and having a family breakfast or day trips out with the kids is very appealing. I'm weird like that though

krudler

metrovelvet wrote: »

I would have thought that too, but now a little wiser in some ways I would prefer a man who was already broken in and house trained so to speak.

We're not dogs

metrovelvet

You know what. It does get complicated whent here are kids. If only because if you are involved with a man with kids, and I mean involved and not just dating, then like it or not you become pretty damn important to those kids, either because they hate and resent you or because they love and adore you. You become the second most important woman in their lives as their dad's partner/wife. First one is mom, second is you.

And yeah, that is scary.

Gunsfortoys

metrovelvet wrote: »

I would have thought that too, but now a little wiser in some ways I would prefer a man who was already broken in and house trained so to speak.

If you consider that crap wise then I'm glad I don't ask you for advice on many things. What sexist drivel.

Wibbs

Lets dial back on the housetraining and broken in nonsense please Metrovelvet. You wouldn't like similar said of you I'm quite sure. Thanks.

metrovelvet

Its just a figure of speech.

iluvcake

Speaking as someone who has had a relationship with a guy that had kids, I'm not so sure I would be in a rush to get into one again (obviously depending on the circumstances...) my ex decided to break up with me and go back to his partner and kids "for the sake of the kids", needless to say I wasn't too happy about that, but I didn't have a choice. I was happy for us to continue as we were etc and maybe some day I could be introduced but unfortunately that didn't happen.
I don't want to tar every guy with the same brush, but my experience wasn't pleasant, although every situation is different I suppose.

Gunsfortoys

metrovelvet wrote: »

Its just a figure of speech.

So is "get back in the kitchen" but people get banned for that.

fee fi fo fum

I've never dated someone who has kids for the simple reason that i think when you have a child that child should become the most important person in your life , everybody else comes after.

I'd like to be the most important person in someones life first before creating a more important person together.

Sounds a bit lame reading over it but i've always felt like that.

krudler

It'd put me off tbh, I love the getting to know each other part of new relationships, heading off on random days out, nights out dancing, factoring a kid and babysitters and dropping them off to relatives and having to plan everything around that doesnt seem as fun, I guess it'd depend on the situation as well though, ya never know with these things.

Novella

I'd love to say that a man having a child from a previous relationship wouldn't put me off, but the truth is, it would. I get all of the 'oh, if you really liked him, it wouldn't matter' stuff, I do understand that side of the argument but honestly, I would still prefer there to be no child.

I know it sounds selfish and idealistic but if and/or when I decide to have a family, I do hope it'll be a first for both myself and my partner. I still believe in fairytales. I still think there'll be a happily ever after.

LegacyUser

No i wouldn't want a relationship with a man who already has kids. As selfish as it sounds i wouldn't even give the relationship a chance, it's just an instant deal breaker for me.

For 2 reasons
1) I think having your first child (well i imagine as i have no children of my own) must be such a beautiful, incredible experience and part of the pure joy of the experience is to share it with the father of your child for the very first time, the newness and wonder of it all. If a guy already has kids you'd never get to share that experience with him, and that's not an experience i could ever knowingly deny myself tbh.

2) I just can't imagine being a 3rd parent to a child. No matter how much you loved your partner and grew to love his children, you'd always be 3rd place to their mother. They'd probably spend as much time around you, but would/could never love you as much as they do their parents, there would never be that "unconditional love" you have with your own children and i find that idea terribly sad tbh.

sam34

absolute dealbreaker for me, i wouldnt get involved with a man who had children

username123

Im not single, but from my single lady viewpoint - Im not interested in having kids or remotely maternal so I wouldnt be into it. If he had adult kids I wouldnt mind. Id have zero interest in doing kid stuff with a guy and his kid(s) - not in a bad way, but in the same way Id have zero interest in hearing about, talking about, going to or watching football - below my radar, not something I pay any attention to. I doubt a guy would want his kid to meet me given my absolute lack of interest!!!!

Im not saying itd be a deal breaker but I just probably wouldnt be into a guy with an interest (assuming he is interested in his kid!) in something Ive no interest in. Same way I wouldnt be into a guy who follows football, or who does drugs, or who is very religious - none of these things interest me so I just wouldnt dig the guy with any of these interests.

Stheno

metrovelvet wrote: »

Its just a figure of speech.

Metrovelvet please read the charter, arguing with a mod on thread is not permitted across boards, if you have a problem with a mods post please contact them or another mod to discuss.

booboo88

Theres never a fairytale ending, at least with the men ive met.....either nutjobs or closet cases.
I couldnt see myself being into a guy with kids, im not maternal at all, and i never want kids, and i certainly don't want someone elses

sollar

Very interesting thread. Its pretty much the same as men's view of women with kids. It seems more would have a problem with it than not.

Neyite

I never really thought about it until I read this thread. Now I have realised that I have never dated a man who had any children from a previous relationship. However, a big dealbreaker for me would be finding out he was a dad, and abandoned his kid. Bat outta hell there because if he can dump his own responsiblities then I dont want someone like that.

For me - I dont think that I would have discounted a man for having a child before I came on the scene, but then that relationship and its tranquility would be influenced by his relationship with the mother of his child. I think as a new partner, you will always come last. Thats the way it should be but it doesnt mean you have to like it.

Now I am with 'the one' and we are trying for a baby. I love that this is so new to both of us, we get to share this amazing first together. It would be crap if he was all "meh, I know how this goes" when I am all brand new at it.

WesternNight

It wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker, but it would make me more reluctant to pursue a relationship. Aside from the usual wanting to experience first-time parenthood with my partner, I'd be reluctant for the sake of the child(ren). It would add another layer of pressure, because there would be children's lives to consider and I'd need to be pretty damn sure about the guy before messing around with the stability of the lives of his children.

Snoopy1

If i was single, and when i was single last year, i wouldn't go near a man with kids.
A im not maternal,
B I would feel like 2nd best

c all of the above reasons given here

Giselle

Snoopy1 wrote: »

B I would feel like 2nd best

I understand where you're coming from, but the only man with children that I know I wouldn't be interested in, is one who DIDN'T put their kids first.

metrovelvet

What does that mean 'be put first?' Any concrete examples to illustrate please?