Rant about bridesmaid

Penny Dreadful · 16-05-2011 11:48AM

janbaby wrote: »

Shes not stuck for money so thats not the issue.
QUOTE]

You don't know that for sure.

LeeHoffmann · 16-05-2011 11:57AM

I find this a very strange thread altogether. I feel quite uncomfortable with talk/discussion of money/gifts changing hands because of a wedding! Weddings are way out of hand, they cost everyone a fortune, people are always giving out about them, and everyone seems to feel obligated to do something they don't want to do because of them - kinda kills the romance a bit!! Anyway, this comment is interesting to me.

I would consider your friend acting as bridesmaid for you is her present to you for your wedding

Really? Why? I don't see how being a special guest for the day, getting your hair and make-up done and being bought a pretty dress and jewellery is doing somebody else a favour?. Bridesmaids don't seems to do a lot imo - they spend the day with the b&g (don't see that as a favour - hopefully they're happy to be there for them on such a momentous and happy occasion in their lives), have a little pampering, look pretty, walk up and down an aisle, carry some flowers and maybe sign a document.

My friend asked me will she be my bm - i can hardly afford bms, but obv it's something she wants to do and is looking forward to, so I said if i'm having bm's then yes. She then gave me a fairly specific account of the type of dress she would like - one shoulder with a 'flower strap'. I went and got my dress by myself (I asked her to come but she was too busy); I won't ask her to organise anything for the wedding/hen night/whatever.
I don't want presents from people for gettign married - I'm not doing it for profit or to be 'star for a day', but equally I don't see being a bm for somebody else as doing them a favour. Seems more the other way around to me

janbaby · 16-05-2011 12:22PM

I really wasn't expecting such a debate! I'm not having a wedding to make a profit! Some people come across all high and mighty but everyone knows that weddings are expensive for guests too. By the time you get an outfit and pay to stay the night people are broke!I'm not expecting money and I don't mind paying for the dresses and all that cos I know thats what is expected but I don't see it as them doing me a favour. I've done all the work and haven't ask for anything. Its my wedding I didn't ask my friends to be bridesmaids to do the work for me.

ElleEm · 16-05-2011 12:34PM

janbaby wrote: »

I really wasn't expecting such a debate! I'm not having a wedding to make a profit! Some people come across all high and mighty but everyone knows that weddings are expensive for guests too. By the time you get an outfit and pay to stay the night people are broke!I'm not expecting money and I don't mind paying for the dresses and all that cos I know thats what is expected but I don't see it as them doing me a favour. I've done all the work and haven't ask for anything. Its my wedding I didn't ask my friends to be bridesmaids to do the work for me.

Well what did you start this thread for?
It seems like you are expecting money, or at least a gift that costs a certain amount of money!

LeeHoffmann · 16-05-2011 12:42PM

I don't want presents from people for gettign married - I'm not doing it for profit or to be 'star for a day'

I'm not having a wedding to make a profit! Some people come across all high and mighty

oh dear. I must apologise OP because my comment above was not directed at you but I can understand why you would have thought that it was. That comment came out of my frustration at what I see as a dysfunctional 'wedding factory' model prevalent in Ireland

janbaby · 16-05-2011 12:44PM

Yes I was expecting a gift, something thoughtful like at birthday and Christmas - not just here's €50 buy yourself something.

TheChevron · 16-05-2011 04:03PM

Fattes wrote: »

You are Kate Middelton where does one claim their prize?

We have asked that all guests if do not provide gifts no matter who they are and that if they really feel the need to provide gift they should donate to a charity on the behalf of either of our parents.

Gifts are optional part of a wedding they are not essential.

Lucky you to be in that position.

witchgirl26 · 16-05-2011 04:14PM

I think OP you're being a bit harsh on your bridesmaid. When I was bridesmaid for my brother, had all you mentioned paid for as well (apart from the accomodation). I also had had flights paid for to go over to England (where the wedding was) prior to the big day to do a test run on hair & get the dresses. The b&g also very nicely gave the 3 bridesmaids frames & a "voucher" to choose our favourite professional pic of the wedding & have it printed properly. All I spent on the present was about €50. And in fact for my friend's wedding in a few weeks, that's also what I'm spending as I can't afford much more. A lot of people think because of the job I'm in, I must be loaded but you don't know what goes on in other people's bank accounts.

Diddler1977 · 16-05-2011 05:29PM

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

I find this a very strange thread altogether. I feel quite uncomfortable with talk/discussion of money/gifts changing hands because of a wedding! Weddings are way out of hand, they cost everyone a fortune, people are always giving out about them, and everyone seems to feel obligated to do something they don't want to do because of them - kinda kills the romance a bit!! Anyway, this comment is interesting to me.

Really? Why? I don't see how being a special guest for the day, getting your hair and make-up done and being bought a pretty dress and jewellery is doing somebody else a favour?. Bridesmaids don't seems to do a lot imo - they spend the day with the b&g (don't see that as a favour - hopefully they're happy to be there for them on such a momentous and happy occasion in their lives), have a little pampering, look pretty, walk up and down an aisle, carry some flowers and maybe sign a document.

My friend asked me will she be my bm - i can hardly afford bms, but obv it's something she wants to do and is looking forward to, so I said if i'm having bm's then yes. She then gave me a fairly specific account of the type of dress she would like - one shoulder with a 'flower strap'. I went and got my dress by myself (I asked her to come but she was too busy); I won't ask her to organise anything for the wedding/hen night/whatever.
I don't want presents from people for gettign married - I'm not doing it for profit or to be 'star for a day', but equally I don't see being a bm for somebody else as doing them a favour. Seems more the other way around to me

What you've done is mark out the role a BM carries out for the bride at her wedding.

On top of of everything the BM does for the bride do you still expect a present from them?!!!!

Surely doing all of the work you have listed above is present enough from the bridesmaid?

OS119 · 16-05-2011 05:50PM

TheChevron wrote: »

Lucky you to be in that position.

perhaps.

on the other hand, if you need gifts - whether that be cash to pay for your wedding/house deposit - or a frying pan, you'd have to ask yourself whether you should be having a wedding.

not getting married, which costs about €150, but having a wedding.

denhaagenite · 16-05-2011 06:31PM

We got engaged 3 years ago and I asked a friend of mine living in the country we are in to be my bridesmaid. That was basically the last time we spoke about the wedding.

She came with me to two shops to look at dresses, then never showed up to the last one where I eventually got the dress- luckily I was with some other friends but it was a bit awkward to say the least. She bought whatever dress she wanted in whatever colour she wanted at my request, and I paid for it.

We discussed a hen but she was busy every weekend that was convenient. We eventually settled on a date and I gave her everyone's details but she contacted no- one so I have had no hen- I organised a really lovely weekend away with a very close friend of mine but again, how embarassing?

It's now 6 weeks to our wedding and I mailed her a couple of weeks ago to see if she wanted me to make hair/ makeup/ nail appointments for her and she hasn't answered. I was tempted to just not bother but since the event is so close I don't want to rock the boat now- I just want to get married nice and quietly without any drama. Up until all of this, we were very close friends but my opinion of her has changed alot. I do wish I had made the decision to change my opinion a year ago though.

If your bridesmaid is there for you, cares about your feelings and has an interest in your big day, what more could you possibly ask for? We put the people in the position of wedding party, it is our responsibility to pay for everything. Room etc, I would pay for that but when my OH was best man for his friend last year they didn't pay for our room so we're following their lead with that one.

At the end of the day this is your wedding, your bill. Gifts are gifts and thus at the discretion of the giver.

TheChevron · 16-05-2011 07:39PM

OS119 wrote: »

perhaps.

on the other hand, if you need gifts - whether that be cash to pay for your wedding/house deposit - or a frying pan, you'd have to ask yourself whether you should be having a wedding.

not getting married, which costs about €150, but having a wedding.

I'm not saying people need gifts, its just I have never been to a wedding anywhere where there were no gifts given. So in a way, its part and parcel of the culture of a wedding.

If you can afford to ask for no gifts, or ask people to give money to charity, then IMO your a very lucky person.

LeeHoffmann · 16-05-2011 07:40PM

What you've done is mark out the role a BM carries out for the bride at her wedding.

so you agree that all a bm has to do is spend the day with friends/family, hold some flowers, get pampered, look pretty and possibly sign a doc? Why do you see this as a tough job?

On top of of everything the BM does for the bride do you still expect a present from them?!!!!

Apart from everything they do?...so looking pretty and getting pampered for free is such hard work? And here's the answer to your question (in my OP)
me:

I don't want presents from people for gettign married

you:

Surely doing all of the work you have listed above is present enough from the bridesmaid?

Again, what hard work and what present? In case you've confused me for the original poster, I have no troubles with any (potential) bridemaids - I just don't get this 'they do sooo much' attitude?

Edit: OK I just realised that I quoted you (without naming you) in my first post - and you probably responded the way you did because you felt like I was out to get you or targeting you or something. I wasn't. I picked your comment because it best summed up attitude I think most people have about bridesmaids. I meant no offence to you by quoting you.

Fattes · 16-05-2011 08:37PM

uote:
Originally Posted by OS119
perhaps.

on the other hand, if you need gifts - whether that be cash to pay for your wedding/house deposit - or a frying pan, you'd have to ask yourself whether you should be having a wedding.

not getting married, which costs about €150, but having a wedding.
I'm not saying people need gifts, its just I have never been to a wedding anywhere where there were no gifts given. So in a way, its part and parcel of the culture of a wedding.

If you can afford to ask for no gifts, or ask people to give money to charity, then IMO your a very lucky person.

TheChevron; we are an average couple making the average industrial wage paying a mortgage on a standard 3 bed house in a normal estate. We could probably do with the money!

We are making a choice considering the current economic climate that we do not want to put our guests under pressure, and we honestly believe that we are happy just to have our guests to attend.

amdublin · 16-05-2011 09:03PM

Fattes wrote: »

TheChevron; we are an average couple making the average industrial wage paying a mortgage on a standard 3 bed house in a normal estate. We could probably do with the money!

We are making a choice considering the current economic climate that we do not want to put our guests under pressure, and we honestly believe that we are happy just to have our guests to attend.

Well said Fattes!

Presence not presents

Diddler1977 · 16-05-2011 09:06PM

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

so you agree that all a bm has to do is spend the day with friends/family, hold some flowers, get pampered, look pretty and possibly sign a doc? Why do you see this as a tough job?

Apart from everything they do?...so looking pretty and getting pampered for free is such hard work? And here's the answer to your question (in my OP)
me:

you: Again, what hard work and what present? In case you've confused me for the original poster, I have no troubles with any (potential) bridemaids - I just don't get this 'they do sooo much' attitude?

Edit: OK I just realised that I quoted you (without naming you) in my first post - and you probably responded the way you did because you felt like I was out to get you or targeting you or something. I wasn't. I picked your comment because it best summed up attitude I think most people have about bridesmaids. I meant no offence to you by quoting you.

I never said being a BM was "hard" work. But it is work. They are doing a job for the bride.

The bride asks them to play a role in their wedding. They agree to carry out this role and do all of the BM tasks.

Again I say is this not enough of a present from the BM to the bride? What more do you want?

PS. This a general response to the Original Post not a specific reply to the above quoted post.

LeeHoffmann · 17-05-2011 09:38AM

Again I say is this not enough of a present from the BM to the bride? What more do you want?

You who? If you mean me,

I don't want presents from people for gettign married - I'm not doing it for profit or to be 'star for a day'

If it's directed at the OP then please make that completely obvious by separating your responses to me and her and/or by typing '@ OP'

I never said being a BM was "hard" work.

You insinuated it by saying

On top of of [sic] everything the BM does for the bride do you still expect a present from them?!!!!

But it is work.

Really? You classify 'looking pretty, holding flowers, getting pampered for free, walking (while holding flowers - extra tricky!) and spending a day with friends/family' as "work"? Wow I would looove a job like that!!

The bride asks them to play a role in their wedding

In my case it was the other way around

They are doing a job for the bride.

This is the central point we disagree on. It's really a favour the bride (and groom) does for the bridesmaid

I'm sure you're a lovely person and we probably got off on the wrong foot here. From my point of view, the whole wedding business has gone mad. EVERYONE feels obligated, though this isn't always recognised. Clearly there's an expectation that bms should give some kind of present (remember I am not saying they should!). There is also an expectation on the part of close female friends that they should be made bridesmaid - this inlcudes that the bride should buy the bm's dresses, jewellery, shoes, flowers and a hotel room for the night. If it isn't fair that bm's/guests are placed under pressure to buy a €50 or more gift, surely it's also not fair that brides are put under pressure by their friends to make them bridesmaids and shell out approx €500 for each one?

Diddler1977 · 17-05-2011 09:16PM

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

You who? If you mean me,

If it's directed at the OP then please make that completely obvious by separating your responses to me and her and/or by typing '@ OP'

You insinuated it by saying

Really? You classify 'looking pretty, holding flowers, getting pampered for free, walking (while holding flowers - extra tricky!) and spending a day with friends/family' as "work"? Wow I would looove a job like that!!

In my case it was the other way around

This is the central point we disagree on. It's really a favour the bride (and groom) does for the bridesmaid

I'm sure you're a lovely person and we probably got off on the wrong foot here. From my point of view, the whole wedding business has gone mad. EVERYONE feels obligated, though this isn't always recognised. Clearly there's an expectation that bms should give some kind of present (remember I am not saying they should!). There is also an expectation on the part of close female friends that they should be made bridesmaid - this inlcudes that the bride should buy the bm's dresses, jewellery, shoes, flowers and a hotel room for the night. If it isn't fair that bm's/guests are placed under pressure to buy a €50 or more gift, surely it's also not fair that brides are put under pressure by their friends to make them bridesmaids and shell out approx €500 for each one?

Clearly we both place a different value on the role carried out by the bridesmaid.

amdublin · 17-05-2011 09:50PM

Tbh Leehoffman your scenario is way different from the op and you going on about your bm issues is pretty much dragging this thread off topic.

The op asked someone to be their bridesmaid and came on to rant about the gift they are giving them.

Someone asked could they be your bridesmaid and is letting you down on that front. Different scenario altogether. Suggest you set up your own thread to let off steam?

Whispered · 18-05-2011 07:12AM

I'm always amazed at the agression that comes out in this forum at times.

I just wanted to wade in and say that if my BM. or ANYBODY close to me said "here's x amount of money, go choose yourself a pressie" I'd be unhappy. If it was €10 or €1000, it's hardly thoughtful, is it? I'd prefer no gift at all.

If I was asked to be someones BM I'd be honoured and would not see it as an imposition. All this talk about how busy they are, it's all of course appreciated, especially on the day, but surely they are also happy that you asked them to share in your wedding day. Sometimes posts here make it sound like a huge imposition to ask someone.

amdublin · 18-05-2011 08:18AM

Whispered wrote: »

I'm always amazed at the agression that comes out in this forum at times.

I just wanted to wade in and say that if my BM. or ANYBODY close to me said "here's x amount of money, go choose yourself a pressie" I'd be unhappy. If it was €10 or €1000, it's hardly thoughtful, is it? I'd prefer no gift at all.
.

Aggression

Re giving €10 or €1000 and saying choose yourself a pressie....sure that is the norm these days.....the majority of people give "gifts" of envelopes of money.....no?

LeeHoffmann · 18-05-2011 09:24AM

Tbh Leehoffman your scenario is way different from the op and you going on about your bm issues is pretty much dragging this thread off topic

apologies if I'm dragging it off topic! I didn't mean to. I was offering my situ as a counter-example. My basic point is that bridesmaids aren't suffering some heavy burden - they're getting pampered and most of you seem to have a very one-sided view -hence the counter example. I think whispered put it best.

Sometimes posts here make it sound like a huge imposition to ask someone.

Couldn't agree more!

Diddler1977 · 18-05-2011 09:25AM

Whispered wrote: »

If I was asked to be someones BM I'd be honoured and would not see it as an imposition. All this talk about how busy they are, it's all of course appreciated, especially on the day, but surely they are also happy that you asked them to share in your wedding day. Sometimes posts here make it sound like a huge imposition to ask someone.

And it goes the other way too. The bride is honoured that the BM agreed to be her bridesmaid and is so thankful for all of her assistance, etc. she would never expect a present from her BM.

LeeHoffmann · 18-05-2011 10:06AM

The bride is honoured that the BM agreed to be her bridesmaid and is so thankful for all of her assistance, etc. she would never expect a present from her BM.
phrased like that Diddler, I agree with you.

janbaby · 18-05-2011 10:24AM

Are people for real! Why should a bride be honoured that her friends will be there for her on her big day and thankful for their assistance! Your talking like brides these days are morons who can't do anything for themselves! All the bridesmaid do is enjoy the day with the bride except they get pampered with free hair, make up, dress and accommodation for their troubles. Being a bridesmaid isn't some epic task!

18-05-2011 10:50AM

List of things the bridesmaid usually does (or at least my bridesmaids did, and I did as a bridesmaid)

Organise the hen night/weekend, including purchasing (and paying for) of "novelties", organising games etc. Also, the bridesmaid has to go on the hen pretty much whether they can afford it or not and usually involves taking time off work.
Wedding dress shopping with bride
Possibly helping with making of wedding invitations
Attending wedding rehearsals
Maybe doing a reading
Helping the bride get ready
Get it a serious amount of photographs
Lots more little bits and pieces that take up time!

I loved being a bridesmaid, but I was also so thankful for the bridesmaids I had because without them things would have been alot more difficult.

The same goes for the groomsmen btw!!

Being a bridesmaid isn't just about showing up on the day and looking pretty. A good bridesmaid will really be an asset to the bride and help her every step of the way. To me, that's alot more valuable than any gift.

iluvcake · 18-05-2011 10:54AM

Quote:

All the bridesmaid do is enjoy the day with the bride except they get pampered with free hair, make up, dress and accommodation for their troubles.

I'd like to give my two cents, if I may....

Last year one of my close friends asked me to be bridesmaid. I was very touched that she asked me, as her and her hubby to be had a difficult situation when getting together etc so I was delighted that she chose me.
I'd like to say that being a bridesmaid, for some people, is more than just being "pampered" for the day...I helped my friend out as much as I could as one of the other bridesmaids lived overseas & the other one lived up the country.
I went to pretty much every bridal shop when she was picking her dress (there was about 5 or 6 and it was great fun!!!) organised her hen night, venue, people attending etc, hand making the invites, picking out our own dresses in the hope that the other bridesmaids like them and I told her to text me if she needed any help with anything.
I'm not giving out about doing all this as I was more than happy to help.:)
Of course on the day it was nice getting the hair and make up done but if I was asked again, I would definitely do it all over again!

LeeHoffmann · 18-05-2011 11:01AM

Maybe it depend on the type of wedding you're having. Having been to a number of weddings, being a bm myself, and now getting married...I don't think many weddings (well, at least not the ones I've been to/beeninvolved in) have been traditional or included the traditional duties of a bm. Most brides to be I've known organise their own hen, I went shopping on my own, no invitations, most people don't have rehearsals!!, readings - yes there's one they might do (but only if they wanted to I'd imagine!), I think these days most women can dress themselves (i.e. less complicated, fussy dresses), the modern photography is documentary-style which is far less intrusive.

Whoopsadaisydoodle, your post was very helpful to me (thank you) for understanding the 'other perspective'. I guess it depends on what type of wedding it is and whether you expect a lot from your bridesmaids. I wouldn't impose duties on them hence I wouldn't say they do a lot of work. However, if they are doing all of the duties you listed, they would be significantly more involved in the wedding than I would have imagined.

janbaby · 18-05-2011 11:27AM

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

Most brides to be I've known organise their own hen, I went shopping on my own, no invitations, most people don't have rehearsals!!, readings - yes there's one they might do (but only if they wanted to I'd imagine!), I think these days most women can dress themselves (i.e. less complicated, fussy dresses), the modern photography is documentary-style which is far less intrusive.

I'm the same, did it all myself! I'm happy my friends will be beside me at the top of the church and beside me in photos and at the meal. Don't get me wrong I do appreciate that they will be with me all day and will have to mingle and talk to more people but I just don't see it as some sort of massive chore!

Whispered · 18-05-2011 11:29AM

iluvcake wrote: »

Last year one of my close friends asked me to be bridesmaid. I was very touched that she asked me, as her and her hubby to be had a difficult situation when getting together etc so I was delighted that she chose me.
I'd like to say that being a bridesmaid, for some people, is more than just being "pampered" for the day...I helped my friend out as much as I could as one of the other bridesmaids lived overseas & the other one lived up the country.
I went to pretty much every bridal shop when she was picking her dress (there was about 5 or 6 and it was great fun!!!) organised her hen night, venue, people attending etc, hand making the invites, picking out our own dresses in the hope that the other bridesmaids like them and I told her to text me if she needed any help with anything.
I'm not giving out about doing all this as I was more than happy to help.:)
Of course on the day it was nice getting the hair and make up done but if I was asked again, I would definitely do it all over again!

I think this sums it up perfectly. It's so lovely to be asked, and while you are busy and possibly stressed at times, you still enjoy being a part of their wedding. That's what it is all about really. I think it's sad that it's seen as a chore sometimes.

Now in saying that I asked very little of my BM's. I picked a few dresses online, asked them to take their pick, had them measured and ordered. I chose my dress myself, made invitations myself, helped organise the hens etc. However I know that if I asked them to do anything they would have been happy to help. Have to agree with LeeHoffmann here - I don't think there is as much expected by most brides anymore. (thankfully!)

I think the poor best man had a much harder day

Diddler - the part of my post you've quoted says

All this talk about how busy they are, it's all of course appreciated, especially on the day, but surely they are also happy that you asked them to share in your wedding day

so it's implied that of course the bride is happy that the BM agreed to be part of the day. You're simply agreeing with me.:)

I was very thankful for my friends being there for me to help me on my wedding day. But it's nothing I wouldn't do for them. Like they were happy to be there for me, I'd be honoured to be there for them too. That's what friendship is right? I wouldn't have expected them to not be there. I don't see why some posts make out as if it's a huge task that they feel obliged to do.

As far as gifts go - I've said on the forum before that our fave gift was one worth little money-wise, but was so so thoughtful. So yes, I would prefer nothing than a "I have x to spend on you, pick something" from someone who is supposed to be one of my closest friends. Where is the thought?

Rant about bridesmaid

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