Rant about bridesmaid

janbaby

My chief bridesmaid is being a real tight arse and its driving me nuts! I'm paying for EVERYTHING for the wedding cos at the end of the day shes doing me a favour. I'm paying for accommodation for her and her boyfriend, hair, make up and dress. But shes my best friend so I was expecting a wedding gift but she now tell me she'll buy me something for the value of €50 so let her know what I need. She said she doesnt want to give me and my finance a gift or money. Shes not stuck for money so thats not the issue.

I dunno what I expected but I guess I thought something with a little bit of thought after 8 years of friendship would be more like it.

hilloftara

she is a tightarse,but what can you do if you say it ,the s**t could hit the fan.shame her when you do start getting presents soso gave me this and i barely know her ,isnt she so good .that would piss her off,and remember her day if it hasnt happened already give her back her 50 euros.the real thing is to enjoy your day dont let her annoy you:)

Daisy!

Don't let it get to you and ruin your big day or your friendship. She's obviously your best mate so let it slide. Maybe her financial situation isn't the best at the moment?

Just give her the same back when she gets married!

bertsmom

What exactly did you expect? I wasnt aware there was a monetary value on friendship. Is it worked out by the year? Should 8 years of friendship buy you a better present?:cool: Can you not remember why you asked the poor girl to be your bridesmaid?
I recently heard a girl say she was going to ask so and so to be her bridesmaid because she was in full time work and could pay her way, I was delighted to hear the girl refused the 'honour' of being her bridesmaid
Best of luck in your marraige OP hope you get all the gifts you deserve.

byhookorbycrook

Why should a bridesmaid be out of pocket for your wedding?I paid for all you mentioned and certainly didn't expect the girls to give us anything.

Sergio

The word miserable comes to mind.Im getting married in spain next friday and one of our bridesmaids gave us €400 today and trust me she isnt working in the most high paid job!

Ammsy500

Im sorry OP but you should pay for everything you said except the accomadation thats just taking the pis... Yes 50 euro does seem a bit stingy but what is her financial situation like? Maybe she cant afford everything that goes along with a wedding these days like the hen party etc. To be honest there shouldnt be a price on friendship try to forget it and enjoy your day.

christinadublin

I agree with Daisy. Don't let it affect your big day or your friendship.

verywell

Ammsy500 wrote: »

Im sorry OP but you should pay for everything you said except the accomadation thats just taking the pis... Yes 50 euro does seem a bit stingy but what is her financial situation like? Maybe she cant afford everything that goes along with a wedding these days like the hen party etc. To be honest there shouldnt be a price on friendship try to forget it and enjoy your day.

When did €50 become stingy

verywell

Colinboy wrote: »

The word miserable comes to mind.Im getting married in spain next friday and one of our bridesmaids gave us €400 today and trust me she isnt working in the most high paid job!

And what?

I do not get your post. Was it the pressure of your attitude that made that bridesmaid save to gift you that money? If you had gotten a lessor amount would that have made a difference in your thought of her?

amdublin

What the F???

If people don't give monetary presents to your satisfaction you come on here and lambast them???

That doesn't seem right.

After 8 years of friendship it boils down to how much money she gives you??

Holy god the mind boggles.

If she's a stinge then your post is painting you as a greedy money grabbing so and so.

amdublin

Colinboy wrote: »

The word miserable comes to mind.Im getting married in spain next friday and one of our bridesmaids gave us €400 today and trust me she isnt working in the most high paid job!

And if she gave you €40 would it matter??

Alliandre

My best friend is my maid of honor and as with the rest of my guests I don't expect any gifts from her. If however she did give us €50 I'd be delighted. €50 is a lot of money to some people.

amdublin

Alliandre wrote: »

My best friend is my maid of honor and as with the rest of my guests I don't expect any gifts from her. If however she did give us €50 I'd be delighted. €50 is a lot of money to some people.

Agreed.

I'm shocked by this thread and the attitude of the op tbh.

What have we become as a society that we give out about people who give small monetary gifts and celebrate the big sums of money?

I prefer peoples prescence rather than their presents.

:mad:

tinkerbell

janbaby wrote: »

My chief bridesmaid is being a real tight arse and its driving me nuts! I'm paying for EVERYTHING for the wedding cos at the end of the day shes doing me a favour. I'm paying for accommodation for her and her boyfriend, hair, make up and dress. But shes my best friend so I was expecting a wedding gift but she now tell me she'll buy me something for the value of €50 so let her know what I need. She said she doesnt want to give me and my finance a gift or money. Shes not stuck for money so thats not the issue.

I dunno what I expected but I guess I thought something with a little bit of thought after 8 years of friendship would be more like it.

Eh ... you're expected to pay for those things because she is taking part in your wedding, that's what a bride does for the women they choose to be in their wedding party.

And she is not being stingy, you are actually for looking down your nose at her gift. How do you know her financial situation anyway, she might not have told you her real financial situation.

Since when does friendship be based on the amount of money given as a wedding present. I think you need to re-evalutate yourself and your attitude because quite frankly, the way you are giving out about a €50 present is spoiled brat behaviour.

whatdoicare

I'm confused as to why she's insisting on buying you a gift if she's already told you the value of it? I thought the reason to buy a gift was so the person yr giving it to doesn't know what you spent/ or you want to personalise the gift?Would it not be handier for her to just give you the money?
Trying to find something for her to buy you worth fifty euros seems a bit like more work than it's worth to me - and it's a bit lazy on her part.
If it was me, I'd be far too busy sorting out the wedding to be adding more work to my schedule- tell her to help u out with the hen night and use the fifty to book the venue/buy a few bottles of cheap champers/the crap that brides are supposed to wear...whatever costs money on the night to the value of fifty.....at least it will be put to good use.


Don't worry about the stingy part- some people are pure stingy and that will never change and then again some people will shock you with their generosity! (I have a very happy memory of my husband wrestling with his best man trying to give him back some of the money he gifted us and the best man threatening to buy him a life times supply of toilet paper out of it if he didn't take the damn money!!)
Take it all with a pinch of salt - Karma will get them in the end when it's their turn.

amdublin

whatdoicare wrote: »

I'm confused as to why she's insisting on buying you a gift if she's already told you the value of it? I thought the reason to buy a gift was so the person yr giving it to doesn't know what you spent/ or you want to personalise the gift?Would it not be handier for her to just give you the money?
Trying to find something for her to buy you worth fifty euros seems a bit like more work than it's worth to me - and it's a bit lazy on her part.
If it was me, I'd be far too busy sorting out the wedding to be adding more work to my schedule- tell her to help u out with the hen night and use the fifty to book the venue/buy a few bottles of cheap champers/the crap that brides are supposed to wear...whatever costs money on the night to the value of fifty.....at least it will be put to good use.


Don't worry about the stingy part- some people are pure stingy and that will never change and then again some people will shock you with their generosity! (I have a very happy memory of my husband wrestling with his best man trying to give him back some of the money he gifted us and the best man threatening to buy him a life times supply of toilet paper out of it if he didn't take the damn money!!)
Take it all with a pinch of salt - Karma will get them in the end when it's their turn.

So now she is lazy as well

amdublin

I repeat:

amdublin wrote: »

What have we become as a society that we give out about people who give small monetary gifts and celebrate the big sums of money?

:mad:

amdublin

whatdoicare wrote: »

Don't worry about the stingy part- some people are pure stingy and that will never change and then again some people will shock you with their generosity! (I have a very happy memory of my husband wrestling with his best man trying to give him back some of the money he gifted us and the best man threatening to buy him a life times supply of toilet paper out of it if he didn't take the damn money!!)
Take it all with a pinch of salt - Karma will get them in the end when it's their turn.

What a lovely happy memory of your wedding day you have......related to money/a gift.......REAL CLASSY!

whatdoicare

amdublin wrote: »

So now she is lazy as well

Well, read what you want into it - I said my piece- I explained myself quite clearly.

amdublin

whatdoicare wrote: »

Well, read what you want into it - I said my piece- I explained myself quite clearly.

Oh yes your point of view came across very clear alright!!!!

whatdoicare

amdublin wrote: »

Oh yes your point of view came across very clear alright!!!!

Who are you to judge me?

amdublin

Ironic?

If people are giving out that someone is stingey for giving them a small money gift does not that make them the stingey ones?

whatdoicare

amdublin wrote: »

Ironic?

If people are giving out that someone is stingey for giving them a small money gift does not that make them the stingey ones?

I didn't give out about anyone or the value of the gift- I just questioned why bother buying the gift and telling her the value.
Stop attacking me, you didn't even fully read my posts, you just picked out what you needed to start an argument.

Toots

Enough of the catty remarks, if posters can't keep it civil I'll lock the thread.

amdublin

Just to clarify, my last post was not a personal attack against you Whatdoicare.

General comment about the whole debate on this thread.

ElleEm

janbaby wrote: »

I'm paying for EVERYTHING for the wedding

It's YOUR wedding,so of course you're paying for it!
It's not her job to put her money in your pocket when it's you who asked her to be a part of it.

The accommodation bit is fair enough if she has to travel to a venue far away from home.

It's so out of order for you to be expecting a gift of ANY value. A gift is supposed to be a nice gesture, not an entitlement If you wanted to make money off the back of your wedding, you should've sold tickets.

SparKing

In all fairness it shouldn't matter how much the gift is, it's a bit odd for the bridesmaid to have mentioned the value of the gift in my opinion. You give a gift, receive thanks (hopefully are thanked) and go about your business. Of course there is a sort of unwritten rule that I and anyone I have ever spoken to has adhered to, that is, that the gift, usually cash, would cover the cost of the meal and add a bit to it as an actual gift. So that usually is about €50 or €100 if it's a couple. I would give a close friend more but then again it would depend on the finances. I do think it's a bit tactless to ever mention the value of a gift, and would definitely question that persons motives, she could be just dropping the hint that money is a bit tight in her own way.

Fattes

My chief bridesmaid has a real tight arse

You are Kate Middelton where does one claim their prize?

We have asked that all guests if do not provide gifts no matter who they are and that if they really feel the need to provide gift they should donate to a charity on the behalf of either of our parents.

Gifts are optional part of a wedding they are not essential.

Diddler1977

janbaby wrote: »

My chief bridesmaid is being a real tight arse and its driving me nuts! I'm paying for EVERYTHING for the wedding cos at the end of the day shes doing me a favour. I'm paying for accommodation for her and her boyfriend, hair, make up and dress. But shes my best friend so I was expecting a wedding gift but she now tell me she'll buy me something for the value of €50 so let her know what I need. She said she doesnt want to give me and my finance a gift or money. Shes not stuck for money so thats not the issue.

I dunno what I expected but I guess I thought something with a little bit of thought after 8 years of friendship would be more like it.

I would consider your friend acting as bridesmaid for you is her present to you for your wedding.

NomdePlume

Hope your chief bridesmaid stumbles across this thread, realises she's the subject, and decides on a better course of action...
... like spending her 50 quid on herself. Nice new top, massage, bottle of wine, whatever

Penny Dreadful

janbaby wrote: »

Shes not stuck for money so thats not the issue.
QUOTE]

You don't know that for sure.

LeeHoffmann

I find this a very strange thread altogether. I feel quite uncomfortable with talk/discussion of money/gifts changing hands because of a wedding! Weddings are way out of hand, they cost everyone a fortune, people are always giving out about them, and everyone seems to feel obligated to do something they don't want to do because of them - kinda kills the romance a bit!! Anyway, this comment is interesting to me.

I would consider your friend acting as bridesmaid for you is her present to you for your wedding

Really? Why? I don't see how being a special guest for the day, getting your hair and make-up done and being bought a pretty dress and jewellery is doing somebody else a favour?. Bridesmaids don't seems to do a lot imo - they spend the day with the b&g (don't see that as a favour - hopefully they're happy to be there for them on such a momentous and happy occasion in their lives), have a little pampering, look pretty, walk up and down an aisle, carry some flowers and maybe sign a document.

My friend asked me will she be my bm - i can hardly afford bms, but obv it's something she wants to do and is looking forward to, so I said if i'm having bm's then yes. She then gave me a fairly specific account of the type of dress she would like - one shoulder with a 'flower strap'. I went and got my dress by myself (I asked her to come but she was too busy); I won't ask her to organise anything for the wedding/hen night/whatever.
I don't want presents from people for gettign married - I'm not doing it for profit or to be 'star for a day', but equally I don't see being a bm for somebody else as doing them a favour. Seems more the other way around to me

janbaby

I really wasn't expecting such a debate! I'm not having a wedding to make a profit! Some people come across all high and mighty but everyone knows that weddings are expensive for guests too. By the time you get an outfit and pay to stay the night people are broke!I'm not expecting money and I don't mind paying for the dresses and all that cos I know thats what is expected but I don't see it as them doing me a favour. I've done all the work and haven't ask for anything. Its my wedding I didn't ask my friends to be bridesmaids to do the work for me.

ElleEm

janbaby wrote: »

I really wasn't expecting such a debate! I'm not having a wedding to make a profit! Some people come across all high and mighty but everyone knows that weddings are expensive for guests too. By the time you get an outfit and pay to stay the night people are broke!I'm not expecting money and I don't mind paying for the dresses and all that cos I know thats what is expected but I don't see it as them doing me a favour. I've done all the work and haven't ask for anything. Its my wedding I didn't ask my friends to be bridesmaids to do the work for me.

Well what did you start this thread for?
It seems like you are expecting money, or at least a gift that costs a certain amount of money!

LeeHoffmann

I don't want presents from people for gettign married - I'm not doing it for profit or to be 'star for a day'

I'm not having a wedding to make a profit! Some people come across all high and mighty

oh dear. I must apologise OP because my comment above was not directed at you but I can understand why you would have thought that it was. That comment came out of my frustration at what I see as a dysfunctional 'wedding factory' model prevalent in Ireland

janbaby

Yes I was expecting a gift, something thoughtful like at birthday and Christmas - not just here's €50 buy yourself something.

TheChevron

Fattes wrote: »

You are Kate Middelton where does one claim their prize?

We have asked that all guests if do not provide gifts no matter who they are and that if they really feel the need to provide gift they should donate to a charity on the behalf of either of our parents.

Gifts are optional part of a wedding they are not essential.

Lucky you to be in that position.

witchgirl26

I think OP you're being a bit harsh on your bridesmaid. When I was bridesmaid for my brother, had all you mentioned paid for as well (apart from the accomodation). I also had had flights paid for to go over to England (where the wedding was) prior to the big day to do a test run on hair & get the dresses. The b&g also very nicely gave the 3 bridesmaids frames & a "voucher" to choose our favourite professional pic of the wedding & have it printed properly. All I spent on the present was about €50. And in fact for my friend's wedding in a few weeks, that's also what I'm spending as I can't afford much more. A lot of people think because of the job I'm in, I must be loaded but you don't know what goes on in other people's bank accounts.

Diddler1977

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

I find this a very strange thread altogether. I feel quite uncomfortable with talk/discussion of money/gifts changing hands because of a wedding! Weddings are way out of hand, they cost everyone a fortune, people are always giving out about them, and everyone seems to feel obligated to do something they don't want to do because of them - kinda kills the romance a bit!! Anyway, this comment is interesting to me.

Really? Why? I don't see how being a special guest for the day, getting your hair and make-up done and being bought a pretty dress and jewellery is doing somebody else a favour?. Bridesmaids don't seems to do a lot imo - they spend the day with the b&g (don't see that as a favour - hopefully they're happy to be there for them on such a momentous and happy occasion in their lives), have a little pampering, look pretty, walk up and down an aisle, carry some flowers and maybe sign a document.

My friend asked me will she be my bm - i can hardly afford bms, but obv it's something she wants to do and is looking forward to, so I said if i'm having bm's then yes. She then gave me a fairly specific account of the type of dress she would like - one shoulder with a 'flower strap'. I went and got my dress by myself (I asked her to come but she was too busy); I won't ask her to organise anything for the wedding/hen night/whatever.
I don't want presents from people for gettign married - I'm not doing it for profit or to be 'star for a day', but equally I don't see being a bm for somebody else as doing them a favour. Seems more the other way around to me

What you've done is mark out the role a BM carries out for the bride at her wedding.

On top of of everything the BM does for the bride do you still expect a present from them?!!!!

Surely doing all of the work you have listed above is present enough from the bridesmaid?

OS119

TheChevron wrote: »

Lucky you to be in that position.

perhaps.

on the other hand, if you need gifts - whether that be cash to pay for your wedding/house deposit - or a frying pan, you'd have to ask yourself whether you should be having a wedding.

not getting married, which costs about €150, but having a wedding.

denhaagenite

We got engaged 3 years ago and I asked a friend of mine living in the country we are in to be my bridesmaid. That was basically the last time we spoke about the wedding.

She came with me to two shops to look at dresses, then never showed up to the last one where I eventually got the dress- luckily I was with some other friends but it was a bit awkward to say the least. She bought whatever dress she wanted in whatever colour she wanted at my request, and I paid for it.

We discussed a hen but she was busy every weekend that was convenient. We eventually settled on a date and I gave her everyone's details but she contacted no- one so I have had no hen- I organised a really lovely weekend away with a very close friend of mine but again, how embarassing?

It's now 6 weeks to our wedding and I mailed her a couple of weeks ago to see if she wanted me to make hair/ makeup/ nail appointments for her and she hasn't answered. I was tempted to just not bother but since the event is so close I don't want to rock the boat now- I just want to get married nice and quietly without any drama. Up until all of this, we were very close friends but my opinion of her has changed alot. I do wish I had made the decision to change my opinion a year ago though.

If your bridesmaid is there for you, cares about your feelings and has an interest in your big day, what more could you possibly ask for? We put the people in the position of wedding party, it is our responsibility to pay for everything. Room etc, I would pay for that but when my OH was best man for his friend last year they didn't pay for our room so we're following their lead with that one.

At the end of the day this is your wedding, your bill. Gifts are gifts and thus at the discretion of the giver.

TheChevron

OS119 wrote: »

perhaps.

on the other hand, if you need gifts - whether that be cash to pay for your wedding/house deposit - or a frying pan, you'd have to ask yourself whether you should be having a wedding.

not getting married, which costs about €150, but having a wedding.

I'm not saying people need gifts, its just I have never been to a wedding anywhere where there were no gifts given. So in a way, its part and parcel of the culture of a wedding.

If you can afford to ask for no gifts, or ask people to give money to charity, then IMO your a very lucky person.

LeeHoffmann

What you've done is mark out the role a BM carries out for the bride at her wedding.

so you agree that all a bm has to do is spend the day with friends/family, hold some flowers, get pampered, look pretty and possibly sign a doc? Why do you see this as a tough job?

On top of of everything the BM does for the bride do you still expect a present from them?!!!!

Apart from everything they do?...so looking pretty and getting pampered for free is such hard work? And here's the answer to your question (in my OP)
me:

I don't want presents from people for gettign married

you:

Surely doing all of the work you have listed above is present enough from the bridesmaid?

Again, what hard work and what present? In case you've confused me for the original poster, I have no troubles with any (potential) bridemaids - I just don't get this 'they do sooo much' attitude?

Edit: OK I just realised that I quoted you (without naming you) in my first post - and you probably responded the way you did because you felt like I was out to get you or targeting you or something. I wasn't. I picked your comment because it best summed up attitude I think most people have about bridesmaids. I meant no offence to you by quoting you.

Fattes

uote:
Originally Posted by OS119
perhaps.

on the other hand, if you need gifts - whether that be cash to pay for your wedding/house deposit - or a frying pan, you'd have to ask yourself whether you should be having a wedding.

not getting married, which costs about €150, but having a wedding.
I'm not saying people need gifts, its just I have never been to a wedding anywhere where there were no gifts given. So in a way, its part and parcel of the culture of a wedding.

If you can afford to ask for no gifts, or ask people to give money to charity, then IMO your a very lucky person.

TheChevron; we are an average couple making the average industrial wage paying a mortgage on a standard 3 bed house in a normal estate. We could probably do with the money!

We are making a choice considering the current economic climate that we do not want to put our guests under pressure, and we honestly believe that we are happy just to have our guests to attend.

amdublin

Fattes wrote: »

TheChevron; we are an average couple making the average industrial wage paying a mortgage on a standard 3 bed house in a normal estate. We could probably do with the money!

We are making a choice considering the current economic climate that we do not want to put our guests under pressure, and we honestly believe that we are happy just to have our guests to attend.

Well said Fattes!

Presence not presents

Diddler1977

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

so you agree that all a bm has to do is spend the day with friends/family, hold some flowers, get pampered, look pretty and possibly sign a doc? Why do you see this as a tough job?


Apart from everything they do?...so looking pretty and getting pampered for free is such hard work? And here's the answer to your question (in my OP)
me:

you: Again, what hard work and what present? In case you've confused me for the original poster, I have no troubles with any (potential) bridemaids - I just don't get this 'they do sooo much' attitude?

Edit: OK I just realised that I quoted you (without naming you) in my first post - and you probably responded the way you did because you felt like I was out to get you or targeting you or something. I wasn't. I picked your comment because it best summed up attitude I think most people have about bridesmaids. I meant no offence to you by quoting you.

I never said being a BM was "hard" work. But it is work. They are doing a job for the bride.

The bride asks them to play a role in their wedding. They agree to carry out this role and do all of the BM tasks.

Again I say is this not enough of a present from the BM to the bride? What more do you want?

PS. This a general response to the Original Post not a specific reply to the above quoted post.

LeeHoffmann

Again I say is this not enough of a present from the BM to the bride? What more do you want?

You who? If you mean me,

I don't want presents from people for gettign married - I'm not doing it for profit or to be 'star for a day'

If it's directed at the OP then please make that completely obvious by separating your responses to me and her and/or by typing '@ OP'

I never said being a BM was "hard" work.

You insinuated it by saying

On top of of [sic] everything the BM does for the bride do you still expect a present from them?!!!!

But it is work.

Really? You classify 'looking pretty, holding flowers, getting pampered for free, walking (while holding flowers - extra tricky!) and spending a day with friends/family' as "work"? Wow I would looove a job like that!!

The bride asks them to play a role in their wedding

In my case it was the other way around

They are doing a job for the bride.

This is the central point we disagree on. It's really a favour the bride (and groom) does for the bridesmaid

I'm sure you're a lovely person and we probably got off on the wrong foot here. From my point of view, the whole wedding business has gone mad. EVERYONE feels obligated, though this isn't always recognised. Clearly there's an expectation that bms should give some kind of present (remember I am not saying they should!). There is also an expectation on the part of close female friends that they should be made bridesmaid - this inlcudes that the bride should buy the bm's dresses, jewellery, shoes, flowers and a hotel room for the night. If it isn't fair that bm's/guests are placed under pressure to buy a €50 or more gift, surely it's also not fair that brides are put under pressure by their friends to make them bridesmaids and shell out approx €500 for each one?

Diddler1977

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

You who? If you mean me,

If it's directed at the OP then please make that completely obvious by separating your responses to me and her and/or by typing '@ OP'

You insinuated it by saying



Really? You classify 'looking pretty, holding flowers, getting pampered for free, walking (while holding flowers - extra tricky!) and spending a day with friends/family' as "work"? Wow I would looove a job like that!!

In my case it was the other way around

This is the central point we disagree on. It's really a favour the bride (and groom) does for the bridesmaid

I'm sure you're a lovely person and we probably got off on the wrong foot here. From my point of view, the whole wedding business has gone mad. EVERYONE feels obligated, though this isn't always recognised. Clearly there's an expectation that bms should give some kind of present (remember I am not saying they should!). There is also an expectation on the part of close female friends that they should be made bridesmaid - this inlcudes that the bride should buy the bm's dresses, jewellery, shoes, flowers and a hotel room for the night. If it isn't fair that bm's/guests are placed under pressure to buy a €50 or more gift, surely it's also not fair that brides are put under pressure by their friends to make them bridesmaids and shell out approx €500 for each one?

Clearly we both place a different value on the role carried out by the bridesmaid.

amdublin

Tbh Leehoffman your scenario is way different from the op and you going on about your bm issues is pretty much dragging this thread off topic.

The op asked someone to be their bridesmaid and came on to rant about the gift they are giving them.

Someone asked could they be your bridesmaid and is letting you down on that front. Different scenario altogether. Suggest you set up your own thread to let off steam?

Whispered

I'm always amazed at the agression that comes out in this forum at times.

I just wanted to wade in and say that if my BM. or ANYBODY close to me said "here's x amount of money, go choose yourself a pressie" I'd be unhappy. If it was €10 or €1000, it's hardly thoughtful, is it? I'd prefer no gift at all.

If I was asked to be someones BM I'd be honoured and would not see it as an imposition. All this talk about how busy they are, it's all of course appreciated, especially on the day, but surely they are also happy that you asked them to share in your wedding day. Sometimes posts here make it sound like a huge imposition to ask someone.