Keep or change my name?

Alliandre · 23-04-2011 01:27PM

I'll be changing my name simply because I love the thoughts of us both having the same surname. I know it doesn't make us any less family if we don't have the same name, it's just what I'd like to do.

Shellygoose · 23-04-2011 11:39PM

I have given this topic a lot of thought and im still none the wiser!!

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. She has a double barrelled surname, which i really regret now cos that relationship didnt last any time at all, but she usually just goes by my surname.

Im thinking that if i take my H2B's surname and we have children (which is the plan) then my daughter will be the only one in the family unit to have "her" surname. So in a way i would like to keep my own name. But what surname would our child have?!? I know my H2B doesnt care either way but its something that i go back and forth with!

Also my H2B's surname is Doyle....and thanks to Fr Ted I dont think i could go through my life being referred to as Mrs Doyle - Go on Go on Go on Go on!! haha

Overature · 23-04-2011 11:43PM

i really dont see the point in double barrel surnames, i would hate to have one

iguana · 24-04-2011 12:13AM

Shellygoose wrote: »

Also my H2B's surname is Doyle....and thanks to Fr Ted I dont think i could go through my life being referred to as Mrs Doyle - Go on Go on Go on Go on!! haha

My husband's surname would make me Mrs Doyle's predecessor. I'm sure not too many people born from 1980 onwards would remember it, but still. <shudders>

No matter what I will never, ever go by Mrs. If Ms didn't exist I'd buy a boat and insist on being called Captain.:cool:

Alliandre · 24-04-2011 12:37AM

iguana wrote: »

If Ms didn't exist I'd buy a boat and insist on being called Captain.:cool:

I laughed so hard at that!

I know the feeling though, I don't like Mrs either.

biscuiteater · 24-04-2011 12:42AM

i didn't like my own surname or the husbands, but loved his in irish so took the irish version. but everyone will presume your name is the same as your husbands when your filing forms so you constantly have to say that's not my name

tinkerbell · 24-04-2011 01:45PM

When I get married I am definitely changing my name. I'm not traditional in some "wedding" aspects but definitely am traditional in wanting his name. I want to be known as Mrs. "his surname"

We've been together a long time and quite often when we stay at hotels, the staff might call me Mrs. "his surname" if we've booked under his name, or else they've sometimes called him Mr. "my name" (which I think is hilarious!!) if we've booked under mine.

ABajaninCork · 24-04-2011 11:32PM

iguana wrote: »

Why? There is no obligation to change your name because you are married. If anyone at the social told you so they were misinformed.

Whilst I understand there is no obligation to change my name (I'm still known by my maiden name at home as I never changed anything- i.e. driving licence, bank accounts, etc), this was indeed what I was told, and more or less bullied into it!

What I guess I'm asking now is this: Is it too late to change to double barrel or is a deed poll required?

mari2222 · 24-04-2011 11:46PM

Keep your father's surname if you like it.
Change if you prefer your spouse's father's surname.

The worst option is the double-barrel: it just seems to be trying too hard!!!!. Better for both parties to select a brand new surname and change to that! Imagine two kids in future - offspring of the new double-barrels - getting married to each other and opting for double-barrelling....e.g. Black-White-Brown-Smith............a recipe for being ridiculed!

Lady Chatterton · 25-04-2011 12:34AM

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Whilst I understand there is no obligation to change my name (I'm still known by my maiden name at home as I never changed anything- i.e. driving licence, bank accounts, etc), this was indeed what I was told, and more or less bullied into it!

What I guess I'm asking now is this: Is it too late to change to double barrel or is a deed poll required?

There is nothing to stop you using a double barrelled name if you wish.

If you intend doing this, alll you will need to do is write to your bank, revenue, social welfare etc. to advise them that going forward you would like all of your correspondence addressed to (ie. Mrs. A Howard-Hughes) You will also need to enclose a photocopy of your marriage certificate as proof of your identity.

iguana · 25-04-2011 04:02PM

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Whilst I understand there is no obligation to change my name (I'm still known by my maiden name at home as I never changed anything- i.e. driving licence, bank accounts, etc), this was indeed what I was told, and more or less bullied into it!

What I guess I'm asking now is this: Is it too late to change to double barrel or is a deed poll required?

In Ireland our name is earned through use and deeds, so after two years proven usage of whatever words you like as your name, you can have that name on all official documentation. The only legal change marriage makes to your right to call yourself what you wish is that after marriage either party can change their surname to their spouse's, a double barrel of both surnames or a portmanteau of both surnames immediately by presenting their marriage certificate, instead of having to show 2 years of proven usage.

ABajaninCork · 25-04-2011 04:14PM

iguana wrote: »

In Ireland our name is earned through use and deeds, so after two years proven usage of whatever words you like as your name, you can have that name on all official documentation. The only legal change marriage makes to your right to call yourself what you wish is that after marriage either party can change their surname to their spouse's, a double barrel of both surnames or a portmanteau of both surnames immediately by presenting their marriage certificate, instead of having to show 2 years of proven usage.

Apologies again for hijacking OP!:D

I just wanted to check - I've been married for 2 years. Like I say, I'm known by my married name here, but maiden name at home. Tax, Welfare, bank accounts all in married name. I can just write to the bank, taxman et al and say 'I now want to be known as Mrs XY' and that would be that...:)

DeVore · 25-04-2011 04:18PM

Dont want to be a big bad chauvinist but I would definitely be a bit hurt if any future Mrs wouldnt take my surname. I wouldnt insist on it, I might not even comment on it, but on some level.... it would hurt.

Just sayin....

DeV.

iguana · 25-04-2011 04:25PM

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Apologies again for hijacking OP!:D

I just wanted to check - I've been married for 2 years. Like I say, I'm known by my married name here, but maiden name at home. Tax, Welfare, bank accounts all in married name. I can just write to the bank, taxman et al and say 'I now want to be known as Mrs XY' and that would be that...:)

Yup, but send a copy of your wedding certificate too, so it can be done immediately. Or if you live near the branch you opened you account in, you can just pop in with the certificate and ask them to change it that way. If you have any problems with someone insisting otherwise just ask to speak to their superior. Some people either don't know the law with regards to this or do know it but still try to insist otherwise for their own reasons. Like whatever person insisted you change you name previously.

Also another option on the passport is to have both names listed. So for example be down as FirstName MarriedName, with previously known as FirstName OwnSurname. You need your marriage certificate and a long birth certificate in order to do this.

chughes · 25-04-2011 04:28PM

I get the sense from married women that I have spoken to about this subject who use a double barrel that they were somehow losing their identity as an individual and this was their way of stamping their mark on the relationship.

I would be against the double barrel solution for the wife's name and also the children's names. As previous posters have mentioned, when does adding to the surname stop ? By all means if the wife wants to keep her maiden surname she should but the kids should have only one surname.

In answer to OP's question, either change it or keep it, just don't double barrel it.

26-04-2011 10:08AM

chughes wrote: »

I would be against the double barrel solution for the wife's name and also the children's names. As previous posters have mentioned, when does adding to the surname stop ? By all means if the wife wants to keep her maiden surname she should but the kids should have only one surname.

In answer to OP's question, either change it or keep it, just don't double barrel it.

For the marriage of two double-barrels.
They could choose one of their own, and one of their partners. Make a new double-barrel. No?

DeVore wrote: »

Dont want to be a big bad chauvinist but I would definitely be a bit hurt if any future Mrs wouldnt take my surname. I wouldnt insist on it, I might not even comment on it, but on some level.... it would hurt.

Just sayin....

DeV.

Why?

krankykitty · 26-04-2011 10:56AM

chughes wrote: »

I would be against the double barrel solution for the wife's name and also the children's names. As previous posters have mentioned, when does adding to the surname stop ? By all means if the wife wants to keep her maiden surname she should but the kids should have only one

I get why you might think it's a bad idea for the kids to have double barrel - but just interested what the problem would be with the wife having a double barrel? I think it's a nice compromise between keeping your own name and taking your new family name, while not inflicting the double barrel name on anyone else!

chughes · 26-04-2011 11:20AM

krankykitty wrote: »

I get why you might think it's a bad idea for the kids to have double barrel - but just interested what the problem would be with the wife having a double barrel? I think it's a nice compromise between keeping your own name and taking your new family name, while not inflicting the double barrel name on anyone else!

To be honest, I think having a double barrelled name is a bit pretentious. It used to be that aristocracy or gentry would do this to keep alive dynastic family names. This wasn't a practice among the rest of us great unwashed. As I said in an earlier post, it's only started to increase in use in the last 15/20 years and was pretty much a rare thing before that. It would be interesting, kk, if you were to ask older married females in your own extended family why thay didn't double barrel their names when they got married.

I just want to emphasise that this is just my opinion and I have no desire to annoy or upset anyone.

Lady Chatterton · 26-04-2011 08:08PM

chughes wrote: »

To be honest, I think having a double barrelled name is a bit pretentious. It used to be that aristocracy or gentry would do this to keep alive dynastic family names. This wasn't a practice among the rest of us great unwashed. As I said in an earlier post, it's only started to increase in use in the last 15/20 years and was pretty much a rare thing before that. It would be interesting, kk, if you were to ask older married females in your own extended family why thay didn't double barrel their names when they got married.

I just want to emphasise that this is just my opinion and I have no desire to annoy or upset anyone.

Personally, I think the use of double barrelled named increased after the marriage ban was lifted.(i.e when women were allowed to remain on at work after they got married). I decided to keep my own name when I got married, I liked my maiden name it as it was unusual. My husband had absolutely no issue with it at all. However, it didn't got down too well with my in-laws who felt very insulted. I feel some people go double barrelled just to avoid upsetting their husband and their in-laws. My sister got married a couple of years ago and she went double barrelled for that very reason. I also feel it depends on the names, some names work very well together while others sound really awful.

krankykitty · 26-04-2011 09:47PM

chughes wrote: »

It would be interesting, kk, if you were to ask older married females in your own extended family why thay didn't double barrel their names when they got married.

I just want to emphasise that this is just my opinion and I have no desire to annoy or upset anyone.

I think it's a very different situation these days than the situation for the older females in my family.. for example, as I am getting married in my 30s, I've been working professionally under my own name for many years. Whereas, my mother and many of the older ladies in the family got married at 18/19 before they had established a career in their name, and indeed had 10-15 years less than I have had to become attached to their name

A double barrelled name is certainly not ideal but it's the only way I can think of to get the best of both worlds, as I would like the same name as my husband and any kids, yet I would still like people to be able to find/recognise me if searching me out for work!

I know what you mean about it sounding pretentious but to be honest that doesn't really bother me. It's not like I have any ideas about being part of the landed gentry, lol !

Bride2012 · 26-04-2011 10:05PM

No need to worry about hijacking, I just thought that it would be an interesting topic for a discussion.

I am planning to take his name and will be Mrs. hisname but I will be changing my middle name to my maiden name coz I love it and don't want to lose it completely. I will use my first, middle (maiden) and surname (his name) for work and publishing so everyone knows it's me but I still have the same name as my OH and any future kids if we're lucky enough to have any.

prettygurrly · 26-04-2011 10:16PM

i shall take my fh's last name when i get married and will only be working under my maiden name. I'll have a masters and phd by then in my own unusual maiden name. very good for networking as no one generally forgets me! but i have always accepted the fact that i'll have a different surname when i'm married and will do on all bank accounts, PPS, passport etc. purely for family unity.

the double barrell name seems to come from children outside marriage which IMO has increased a lot lately. parents want to have a bit of themselves in their children as they dont have the marriage to each other to make them a legal family unit. the kids having each of their surnames gives each parent a feeling of ownership. obviously if you're together long enough you dont need to get married and lots of people dont but you still dont have that bit of paper saying that you're married and i think people who dont make it official probably miss it - not to prove that they love each other but just that who you are as a unit.

Maggie The Cat · 26-04-2011 10:20PM

i took my husbands name. go with what ur heart says. remember the right to choose is the imortant thing. and now in society women have that choice, theres no wrong or right answer.

pinkypinky · 28-04-2011 02:34PM

I've noticed a lot of ladies only change their name to have the same surname as future children. At the risk of starting a small war, can I just point out that there's no law against children having their mother's surname? Sure it's traditional but I personally don't think that's enough of a reason to not even consider passing on my own surname, which I would never change.

beegirl · 28-04-2011 02:36PM

I thought I would change my name when we got married, but then I started to think "what do I gain from this"? It's basically a world of hassle, writing letters, filling out forms, paying fees for new passport/driving licence (neither of which are due to expire for aaaaagges!) and it doesn't benefit me in any way whatsoever - plus I would have to remember to say/sign my new name, which just felt weird! So I decided to leave it for now... I think the only reason I might change it in the future is if we have kids and I want us all to have the same name - so if or when that happens I might reevaluate the situation, but until then I don't really see any reason to change it!

prettygurrly · 28-04-2011 02:41PM

pinkypinky wrote: »

I've noticed a lot of ladies only change their name to have the same surname as future children. At the risk of starting a small war, can I just point out that there's no law against children having their mother's surname? Sure it's traditional but I personally don't think that's enough of a reason to not even consider passing on my own surname, which I would never change.

yeah my bf said that he wouldn't mind taking my name...i think he's mad though. mine may be unusual and useful because of that...i still wouldn't inflict it on anybody!

DeVore · 28-04-2011 02:55PM

pinkypinky wrote: »

I've noticed a lot of ladies only change their name to have the same surname as future children. At the risk of starting a small war, can I just point out that there's no law against children having their mother's surname? Sure it's traditional but I personally don't think that's enough of a reason to not even consider passing on my own surname, which I would never change.

Did you think Tradition was enough reason to have a white wedding? A big church? bid day out? How would you feel if your husband said "we're just going to the reg office, cos all that other stuff is silly tradition I dont have any choice about."

Seems like some traditions are favoured over others...

DeV.

prettygurrly · 28-04-2011 03:00PM

DeVore wrote: »

Did you think Tradition was enough reason to have a white wedding? A big church? bid day out? How would you feel if your husband said "we're just going to the reg office, cos all that other stuff is silly tradition I dont have any choice about."

Seems like some traditions are favoured over others...

DeV.

so are you saying that your future wife taking your name is as important to you as the traditions you just mentioned are to (a lot of) women?

changing your name is a big deal. having the big day out is essentially for both of you and only affects you financially unlike changing your identity which only the woman traditionally has to do....not changing your name cant be put down as ignoring a silly tradition. i dont think anyone takes the decision lightly.

krankykitty · 28-04-2011 06:56PM

DeVore wrote: »

Did you think Tradition was enough reason to have a white wedding? A big church? bid day out? How would you feel if your husband said "we're just going to the reg office, cos all that other stuff is silly tradition I dont have any choice about."

Seems like some traditions are favoured over others...

DeV.

A wedding is for both of the couple, you're making it sound like women are dragging the men down the aisle there :rolleyes:

It used also to be traditional that women stay at home and not earn money outside the home, traditions change thankfully and people now have a CHOICE what they do.

Plus, your name is your identity and a bit more important to you than whether you have a cake or flowers or whatever on one day.

As a matter of interest Dev would you be prepared to change your name to that of your wifes, and if not, why?

Kooli · 29-04-2011 03:52PM

pinkypinky wrote: »

I've noticed a lot of ladies only change their name to have the same surname as future children. At the risk of starting a small war, can I just point out that there's no law against children having their mother's surname? Sure it's traditional but I personally don't think that's enough of a reason to not even consider passing on my own surname, which I would never change.

I have thought about this, but I think it is more important to the man to have kids with the same surname. If I'm going to bear them for 9 months, give birth to them, be primary carer for at least the first year (and probably beyond), then neither I nor anyone else is going to be in any doubt as to who 'mum' is. The least I can do for my hubby is give him the 'official' stamp of connection to the kids. I get everything else!

Keep or change my name?

Comments