Husband constantly wants sex

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 02:23PM

Distorted wrote: »

But they are still having sex, and reasonably often at that. And theres no suggestion that they are having bed sex or a sexless marriage. Its just that the OP's husband wants it more often.

I don't think its realistic not to expect libidos to wane slightly with familarity and not to be at it all the time. And some people want to do more with their free time than have sex. Its not the be all and end all.

It just doesn't sound as if the OP's life is much fun right now. And if she has to add in getting fit, taking up a new sport, scheduling sex 3 times a week plus the majority of the weekend, plus working full time and looking after her child, she's not going to have any time to herself at all! She will be a wife, a mother, an employee, but when will she relax? I think that sort of regime would drive a person slowly mad!

Yeah, this would pretty much put psychological chastity belt on me too. There is nothing left to give with all that on your plate.

Also everyone is different, but I know myself I need a lot of me time to to want a lot of you time long term.

matt-dublin · 21-03-2011 02:26PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yeah, this would pretty much put psychological chastity belt on me too. There is nothing left to give with all that on your plate.

Also everyone is different, but I know myself I need a lot of me time to to want a lot of you time long term.

distorted wrote:

It just doesn't sound as if the OP's life is much fun right now. And if she has to add in getting fit, taking up a new sport, scheduling sex 3 times a week plus the majority of the weekend, plus working full time and looking after her child, she's not going to have any time to herself at all! She will be a wife, a mother, an employee, but when will she relax? I think that sort of regime would drive a person slowly mad!

how about everyone stop bickering with each other and let the op answer the questions that have been posed to her.

all of you are making assumptions about her life. Why not let her answer all of those questions before debating whether she enjoys it or not.

common sense brigade · 21-03-2011 02:27PM

scheduling sex 3 times a week plus the majority of the weekend, plus working full time and looking after her child, she's not going to have any time to herself at all!

I work full time 8-4.30 mon to fri in a stressful career. I have a 1 1/2 year old and still find time to go to gym 3 times a week. be a good mother and when i get to bed most nights about 10 oclock i still fancy the pants off my husband of 5 years. sex is not a chore with a man you love its amazing. and its a normal part of a healthy relationship and one of the most enjoyable things you can do together! The OP should not have sex if she does not want it. but if she used to desire sex more often then their are reasons to be concerned. also if her husbands emotional/physical needs are not being met then over time her marriage will suffer. his feelings matter just as much as her feelings. she is on here asking for advise cos she knows there is something wrong.

Ickle Magoo · 21-03-2011 02:28PM

Reasonably often, Distorted? The OP states once a week at a push & never initiated by them - according to Durex latest poll that's the average for the over 65's...

Again, plenty of busy women have equally busy sex lives, it simply isn't true that one automatically negates the other. The bottom line is the OP has stated they have libido issues and they are rejecting their husband who clearly isn't okay with that - whether you view it as the be all and end all is neither here nor there, that's the issue at hand.

Metro, I don't think that thread proved anything tbh - other than some people have a very odd idea of what constitutes a mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship.

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 02:31PM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Reasonably often? The OP states once a week at a push & never initiated by them - according to Durex latest poll that's the average for the over 65's...

Again, plenty of busy women have equally busy sex lives, it simply isn't true that one automatically negates the other. The bottom line is the OP has stated they have libido issues and they are rejecting their husband who clearly isn't okay with that - whether you view it as the be all and end all is neither here nor there, that's the issue at hand.

Metro, I don't think that thread proved anything tbh - other than some people have a very odd idea of what constitutes a mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship.

I don't think anyone claimed the relationships met the mutually respectful and fulfilling category.

Why are you comparing the OP to 'plenty of women". She is not 'plenty of women." I also know a woman who threw herself in the Thames because shse was overstretched. We are all different with different thresholds.

mood · 21-03-2011 02:40PM

common sense brigade wrote: »

I work full time 8-4.30 mon to fri in a stressful career. I have a 1 1/2 year old and still find time to go to gym 3 times a week. be a good mother and when i get to bed most nights about 10 oclock i still fancy the pants off my husband of 5 years. sex is not a chore with a man you love its amazing. and its a normal part of a healthy relationship and one of the most enjoyable things you can do together! The OP should not have sex if she does not want it. but if she used to desire sex more often then their are reasons to be concerned. also if her husbands emotional/physical needs are not being met then over time her marriage will suffer. his feelings matter just as much as her feelings. she is on here asking for advise cos she knows there is something wrong.

+1

To all the people who say OP shouldn't see a doctor I think that would be foolish. If there is a underlying medical reason such as depression/postnatal depression it needs to be treated and not just for the sake of her libido but for her general health and well being and that of her family.

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 02:42PM

common sense brigade wrote: »

I work full time 8-4.30 mon to fri in a stressful career. I have a 1 1/2 year old and still find time to go to gym 3 times a week. be a good mother and when i get to bed most nights about 10 oclock i still fancy the pants off my husband of 5 years. sex is not a chore with a man you love its amazing. and its a normal part of a healthy relationship and one of the most enjoyable things you can do together! The OP should not have sex if she does not want it. but if she used to desire sex more often then their are reasons to be concerned. also if her husbands emotional/physical needs are not being met then over time her marriage will suffer. his feelings matter just as much as her feelings. she is on here asking for advise cos she knows there is something wrong.

Yeah but you still fancy your husband. What do you do if you dont fancy him anymore?

Distorted · 21-03-2011 02:42PM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Reasonably often, Distorted? The OP states once a week at a push & never initiated by them - according to Durex latest poll that's the average for the over 65's...

But its not a "sexless marriage" as you suggested above. They have sex. I suspect there are plenty of couples who don't have sex at all but never admit it, and certainly not in surveys. This couple do have sex. They don't have sex as often as when they were first going out, but this is not unusual.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Again, plenty of busy women have equally busy sex lives, it simply isn't true that one automatically negates the other. The bottom line is the OP has stated they have libido issues and they are rejecting their husband who clearly isn't okay with that - whether you view it as the be all and end all is neither here nor there, that's the issue at hand.

Equally, you could argue that its the husband who is experiencing the libido issues. Its a mutual problem, not just one for the OP to change so the husband will be more happy.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Metro, I don't think that thread proved anything tbh - other than some people have a very odd idea of what constitutes a mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship.

Its an awful lot of people though that have "very odd ideas", no? And even if their ideas are odd, they are their own ideas and they are entitled to have them without being drugged in order to suppress them, no? In actual fact, they are simply the views of women who are perhaps a little more liberated than seems to be the case on here, perhaps a little more modern.

The thought of the OP on the linked thread, having to sit in a car park for several hours to avoid going home to be pestered by sex by her husband - maybe the truth that dare not speak its name?

common sense brigade · 21-03-2011 02:48PM

Yeah but you still fancy your husband. What do you do if you dont fancy him anymore?

I think the OP does still fancy her husband though... If your in a sitaution where you no longer fancy your partner and cannot resolve it then the only thing to do is sperate and enjoy what life has to offer. You only get one life to live it be a shame to live it unsatisfied unfulfilled and unhappy.

Ickle Magoo · 21-03-2011 02:50PM

Metro, I'm not comparing the OP to plenty of women; I'm stating the claims that busy life = automatic failure to enjoy a healthy sex is a complete red herring. For every woman besmirching a husband that dares to want intimacy there are plenty who have a fulfilling relationship in which sex is enjoyed equally - my point is surely the OP should be aiming for the latter rather than convincing themselves and their husband the former isn't uncommon.

Distorted,

The sexless marriage was in response to that really awful harpy thread of women bitching about the people they are supposed to love and fancy. I cannot fathom denigrating the man I love on a website, finding his touch abhorrent and yet refusing to acknowledge the relationship was not mutually respectful, fulfilling nor even successful at that stage. I genuinely hope the OP never has need to refer to her life partner in such terms, far less draws comfort from it.

Giblet · 21-03-2011 02:51PM

Distorted wrote: »

I know! God forbid that the OP should be exposed to the views of other women with similar concerns on the biggest online forum for parents in Europe! Shocking stuff indeed! They'll be giving women the vote next!

You always seem to normalise everything as a "Woman's issue".
I'm sure your hyper-feminism is a treat in real life, but you are just offering a hardline woman's opinion stance based on fantasy. The reality here is simple. Her partner has a different sex drive, he probably feels more comfortable with having more sex than she would like, and is feeling down when his partner isn't up to it, due to the fact that it is signaling a dwindling in their sex life. It's not her role to serve herself up on a plate, but she should talk to her husband and express her desires as well. Like it or not, when this happens in a relationship, one or the other parties can feel like something is wrong, and it is up to them to talk frankly about the issues.

Nothing about him sitting at home not working or acting like "Sid James" has anything to do with it, and is pure fantasy, objectifying his behaviour as someone who is unreasonable.

Distorted · 21-03-2011 02:57PM

Giblet wrote: »

You always seem to normalise everything as a "Woman's issue".
I'm sure your hyper-feminism is a treat in real life, but you are just offering a hardline woman's opinion stance based on fantasy. The reality here is simple. Her partner has a different sex drive, he probably feels more comfortable with having more sex than she would like, and is feeling down when his partner isn't up to it, due to the fact that it is signaling a dwindling in their sex life. It's not her role to serve herself up on a plate, but she should talk to her husband and express her desires as well. Like it or not, when this happens in a relationship, one or the other parties can feel like something is wrong, and it is up to them to talk frankly about the issues.

Nothing about him sitting at home not working or acting like "Sid James" has anything to do with it, and is pure fantasy, objectifying his behaviour as someone who is unreasonable.

No, its just that if you have even a slightly modern notion about women's roles in society and dare to criticse a great man, you are attacked by misogynists and accused of being feminist. (although ironically this attitude never manifests itself when its the women going out to work to support the men).

But I'm a human being too, by views are just as important as those of a man. And so are those of the OP.

What about the OP gives up her job then to satisfy her husband's needs and so as to have more time and energy for him? It has already been said on here what a great and noble thing the OP's husband is doing in being unemployed and looking after their child.

I'm also not comfortable with people using words such as "harpies" and "witches" to describe women who have views that don't agree with their own. It just doesn't give a good impression. Do you still actually want to burn women at the stake here if they don't agree with you?

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 02:58PM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Metro, I'm not comparing the OP to plenty of women; I'm stating the claims that busy life = automatic failure to enjoy a healthy sex is a complete red herring. For every woman besmirching a husband that dares to want intimacy there are plenty who have a fulfilling relationship in which sex is enjoyed equally - my point is surely the OP should be aiming for the latter rather than convincing themselves and their husband the former isn't uncommon.

.

ITs not always a red herring. Sometimes people do get over stretched, have no time for themselves and have nothing else to give, because there is no space in the togetherness.

Sometimes you don't fancy your husband anymore or you go through periods where you don't.

Sometimes libidos change and its a compatibility issue, not a mental health one.

Plenty of stand up comediennes have done riffs on sex with your husband. The courtship is over, the sensuality is gone, you are a house maid and a cook and become invisible. Hardly going to make you feel sexy, sex just becomes another extension of the slavery.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 21-03-2011 03:26PM

I'd be miserable in your husband's situation to be honest.

Either you don't fancy him anymore or you just have a very low sex drive, both of which mean you're just not compatible for marriage imho.

If he didn't initiate sex how often would you want it?

Sleepy · 21-03-2011 03:46PM

There's some good advice mixed amongst the bickering in this thread OP. I'm going to assume that the answer to metrovelvet's question as to whether you still love your husband romantically rather than platonically is a yes because if it's a no, separation or some form of co-parenting with you both free to satiate your sexual desires outside that relationship is the only long-term solution.

Since your libido used to be higher and you say you enjoy sex when you do have it, I'm going to presume that having a marriage that involved more frequent sex would be more likely to make you happy than to somehow convince your husband that little to no sex would be a good thing for you both.

It seems to me that there's a few questions you have to ask yourself to figure out what's causing your libido to wane and the suggestions you've been given so far fall into potential solutions for the different areas of potential problems:

1. Is your husband less attractive to you than he used to be? Has he put on weight? Become less attentive a partner? Been emasculated in your eyes by his newfound status as primary carer?

> All of these issues could be "fixed" through communication, if he's eager to have more sex with you, he can make an effort to fix whatever issue it is that's putting you off as long as it's something within his control.

2. Did you previously enjoy sex but have found it's become routine, that it's so predictable there's no excitement in it for you? That it's an issue of sex not being exciting enough (or more bluntly his technique as a lover not being good nough)

> Again, communication and / or a trip to the lovehoney website together (possibly while sharing a bottle of wine on a Friday / Saturday night when the kids are in bed) would help here. A sexual partner will only ever be as good as you teach them to be. You know your body and sexuality best and tbh, it'd be the oddest man I've ever heard of who didn't love every minute of being taught what excites / pleases his partner.

3. Do you feel that you've become less attractive to your partner and can't feel "sexy" as a result of this? stretch marks? A few extra pounds? Too long since you've last treated yourself to a new haircut/spa treatment etc.?

> This is one I've had experience of with a number of partners myself: I's still think they were gorgeous and want to jump into bed with then at a moments notice but because they didn't feel sexy, they didn't want sex. Your partner can help here, even just taking the kids off for an occasional day out (or even designating an evening during the week when the kids are in bed) and letting you have the "me time" metrovelvet referred to earlier to chill out, lexuriate in a hot bath / go for a walk / pamper yourself / whatever makes you feel relaxed. One of the silliest solutions I found to this was to send a partner into town with my credit card and permission to run riot in a nice lingerie store.

4. Does sex just seem like too much effort? Working in an office will mentally exhaust you but that kind of tiredness is very different from physical exhaustion. Sitting at a desk all day, playing with the kids for a bit and then vegging in front of the soaps / a movie is a pretty sedentary lifestyle. Exercise will, counter-intuitively, help here. The endorphin release from hard exercise and the improvement to your overall health (including mental) actually give you more energy than they take out of you.

One other tip I've heard of for women in your position: have an agreement with your husband that he doesn't initiate sex for a month, that it's entirely at your discretion. I've heard it said by "relationship experts" on radio show / in magazines that by removing the pressure to have sex, you'll often find that you want it far more.

up for anything · 21-03-2011 04:00PM

Emme wrote: »

I'm guilty of one of the "old fashioned" responses but I'm single and would love to be in the OP's position - to have a husband who desires me a few times a week! I've been single so long that if I were married or in a relationship I would have sex even if I didn't really want it but my partner did because I've been on my own for so long. A lot of my contemporaries feel the same way, they would be so grateful just to be wanted by a good partner that they'd sleep with him even if they didn't always feel like it. Call it strange, old-fashioned, but that's how a lot of women feel in this country.

This absolutely shocks me! :eek: I really can't believe that that is how a lot of women in this country feel before they find a man. That's just like marriage used to be years ago. Husband providing x and wife providing sex and or children in return, x being money/companionship/someone to love them.

OP, I have completed a poll of 17 real life women friends of mine, between the ages of 28 and 51, who have been with their partners between two and thirty years and out of that 17 only two of them still want sex more than once a week. For the rest it is a weekly chore which they can have down to a fine art. All these couples have words every so often about the lack of sex. To me, this is reality rather than those couples who are supposedly going at it like rabbits after 10 years. Lingerie and sex toys get old after a couple of outings.

mood · 21-03-2011 04:04PM

up for anything wrote: »

This absolutely shocks me! :eek: I really can't believe that that is how a lot of women in this country feel before they find a man.

Emme claims this is how a lot of women in this country feel.

I am a single woman in my early 30's and I certainly don't feel like this. Emme doesn't speak for all single Irish women.

common sense brigade · 21-03-2011 04:25PM

17 only two of them still want sex more than once a week. For the rest it is a weekly chore which they can have down

I just dont understand that mentality. its like your female friends must not actually enjoy sex and have orgasims and lusty feelings and thoughts. To me that is so strange. Dont women enjoy sex just as much as men?
With the onset of the Agricultural revolution women were thought to repress their sexual urges and hide their sexuality. If they didnt punishment was very often Death. And civilization developed the notion that human females are naturally “choosy” and reserved about sex.
If females are indeed the more sexually reserved gender by nature, why would men throughout history have gone to such great lengths to control the female libido?
These women friends of yours must be very old fashioned and sexually repressed. Maybe im odd but when i fancy a man the last thing i want to do is have a cuddle or hold hands. thats nice of course but women have a need for sex like men do. i want sex pure and simple when im with a man. to me not wanting it is kinda sad and shows how women have been beaten down so much over time that they have forgotten how fantastic sex is. I think women on here claiming to be feminists have got it completely wrong. Embracing a healthy sexual relationship is progression in itself for women

Sleepy · 21-03-2011 04:35PM

up for anything wrote: »

This absolutely shocks me! :eek: I really can't believe that that is how a lot of women in this country feel before they find a man. That's just like marriage used to be years ago. Husband providing x and wife providing sex and or children in return, x being money/companionship/someone to love them.

OP, I have completed a poll of 17 real life women friends of mine, between the ages of 28 and 51, who have been with their partners between two and thirty years and out of that 17 only two of them still want sex more than once a week. For the rest it is a weekly chore which they can have down to a fine art. All these couples have words every so often about the lack of sex. To me, this is reality rather than those couples who are supposedly going at it like rabbits after 10 years. Lingerie and sex toys get old after a couple of outings.

Does it not strike you as terribly sad that these friends of yours don't enjoy something as natural and enjoyable as sex?

No wonder divorce rates are climbing so high if so many people are content in sexless relationships.

Emme's post is equally sad imho. What use is a partner that you've no sexual interest in? I wouldn't consider most men attractive enough to warrant status as a fashion accessory!

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 04:57PM

Sleepy wrote: »

Does it not strike you as terribly sad that these friends of yours don't enjoy something as natural and enjoyable as sex?

No wonder divorce rates are climbing so high if so many people are content in sexless relationships.

Emme's post is equally sad imho. What use is a partner that you've no sexual interest in? I wouldn't consider most men attractive enough to warrant status as a fashion accessory!

They are not content in sexless relationships, thats why they are getting divorced.

They probably want sex, just not with their husbands.

Seriously, we are all dodging some serious issues about marriage and LTRS. I think mariage [in the conventional model] can kill a perfectly healthy libido.

Count Duckula · 21-03-2011 05:10PM

And we have now commenced gender wars.

There are two schools of thought here.

1. Those who think that sex is a lovely distraction, a meeting between two people who care for one another and should be treated as such. Since the OP does not have that desire for her husband, then he should back off and allow her the space. If she doesn't want sex she certainly shouldn't be made to have it, and it's a bodily urge the husband should learn to control. It's not as if he's not getting any sex at all; he is, just not as often as he'd like. We often don't get things as often as we'd like.

2. Those who think that sex is an integral and vital part to any healthy relationship. The OP's lack of desire is an issue in and of itself - if it was a strong relationship she would desire her husband. He's in a predicament because he wants sex and isn't being given it.

It simply depends on which the OP falls into, and which her husband falls into. The only people that can deal with this is them. They need to sit down and talk, and discuss frankly what position they feel sex has in their relationship. Not how often they have it or the quality of the sex or who initiates it, but on a very fundamental level how important is it? Is it a treat, something fun that's done occasionally? Or is it a vital piece of a good relationship that's waning for them? Only the OP and her husband can answer that, and if she takes anything away from this thread it should be that she needs to have that talk.

It sure as hell shouldn't be half the crap that's been spouted by both sides in this debate. What generalising, sexist, backwards rubbish some of you have come out with in an advice forum.

Permabear · 21-03-2011 05:12PM

This post has been deleted.

Sleepy · 21-03-2011 05:21PM

Count Duckula wrote: »

And we have now commenced gender wars.

There are two schools of thought here.

1. Those who think that sex is a lovely distraction, a meeting between two people who care for one another and should be treated as such. Since the OP does not have that desire for her husband, then he should back off and allow her the space. If she doesn't want sex she certainly shouldn't be made to have it, and it's a bodily urge the husband should learn to control. It's not as if he's not getting any sex at all; he is, just not as often as he'd like. We often don't get things as often as we'd like.

2. Those who think that sex is an integral and vital part to any healthy relationship. The OP's lack of desire is an issue in and of itself - if it was a strong relationship she would desire her husband. He's in a predicament because he wants sex and isn't being given it.

It simply depends on which the OP falls into, and which her husband falls into. The only people that can deal with this is them. They need to sit down and talk, and discuss frankly what position they feel sex has in their relationship. Not how often they have it or the quality of the sex or who initiates it, but on a very fundamental level how important is it? Is it a treat, something fun that's done occasionally? Or is it a vital piece of a good relationship that's waning for them? Only the OP and her husband can answer that, and if she takes anything away from this thread it should be that she needs to have that talk.

It sure as hell shouldn't be half the crap that's been spouted by both sides in this debate. What generalising, sexist, backwards rubbish some of you have come out with in an advice forum.

And if they're now in different camps on that issue should they just divorce if there's nothing else wrong with their relationship?

Or should they both take steps towards a compromise whereby she looks for a way to get her libido back to where it once was (not just lie there and let him use her as a mastubatory device) and he agrees to limit his attempts to initiate sex to a maximum of x times per week etc.?

Sleepy · 21-03-2011 05:25PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

They are not content in sexless relationships, thats why they are getting divorced.

Sorry, my point was that if one of the partners is quite content in the sexless relationship and the other isn't, it's not too hard to see why their partner would leave them.

They probably want sex, just not with their husbands.

Seriously, we are all dodging some serious issues about marriage and LTRS. I think mariage [in the conventional model] can kill a perfectly healthy libido.[/QUOTE]
Seeing so many threads on here where a womans waning sex drive has become a major issue in a relationship would certainly make me wonder alright. It'd particularly make me wonder if there's something evolutionary at play here and / or about the wisdom of society's view of monogamy as the "proper" state of human relationships.

Count Duckula · 21-03-2011 05:25PM

Sleepy wrote: »

And if they're now in different camps on that issue should they just divorce if there's nothing else wrong with their relationship?

Or should they both take steps towards a compromise whereby she looks for a way to increase her libido (not just lie there and let him use her as a mastubatory device) and he agrees to limit his attempts to initiate sex to a maximum of x times per week etc.?

Perhaps; I couldn't say. It's for them to decide how important their attitudes to sex are to them and whether they're willing to change them for the sake of something else. The first hurdle is getting them to admit that there's a problem, and it's not simply the quantity of sex that's the issue but the whole underlying attitude as to its importance in a relationship.

up for anything · 21-03-2011 05:42PM

common sense brigade wrote: »

I just dont understand that mentality. its like your female friends must not actually enjoy sex and have orgasims and lusty feelings and thoughts. To me that is so strange. Dont women enjoy sex just as much as men?
With the onset of the Agricultural revolution women were thought to repress their sexual urges and hide their sexuality. If they didnt punishment was very often Death. And civilization developed the notion that human females are naturally “choosy” and reserved about sex.
If females are indeed the more sexually reserved gender by nature, why would men throughout history have gone to such great lengths to control the female libido?
These women friends of yours must be very old fashioned and sexually repressed. Maybe im odd but when i fancy a man the last thing i want to do is have a cuddle or hold hands. thats nice of course but women have a need for sex like men do. i want sex pure and simple when im with a man. to me not wanting it is kinda sad and shows how women have been beaten down so much over time that they have forgotten how fantastic sex is. I think women on here claiming to be feminists have got it completely wrong. Embracing a healthy sexual relationship is progression in itself for women

No, it's not like they must not enjoy sex, neither are they old fashioned and sexually repressed. They're just fed up of sex or maybe just with sex with the same person. Sex is great, so is going out every night of the weekend, so are a lot of things. What seems like great fun and necessity when you are young and fresh to it can pall over time. There are lots of other things going on in their lives and for some reason sex doesn't hold the same excitement and feelings that it once did. It's fine when you are young, free and single and every encounter may be enjoyable but it does become tedious after years with the same person.

In my opinion, humans were not meant to be monogamous. Maybe it was meant to be that a man stayed with his mate till their offspring were of an independent age, which would have been much younger than say 18 in years gone by and that women once they were passed the childbearing years were either meant to be alone or team up with man who had no interest in fathering more children so that either sex was off the menu or it became a delight again. Just my theory.

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 06:00PM

Sleepy wrote: »

Sorry, my point was that if one of the partners is quite content in the sexless relationship and the other isn't, it's not too hard to see why their partner would leave them.

Seriously, we are all dodging some serious issues about marriage and LTRS. I think mariage [in the conventional model] can kill a perfectly healthy libido.

Seeing so many threads on here where a womans waning sex drive has become a major issue in a relationship would certainly make me wonder alright. It'd particularly make me wonder if there's something evolutionary at play here and / or about the wisdom of society's view of monogamy as the "proper" state of human relationships.[/QUOTE]

My theory is that desire is elsewhere so a certain amount of unavailablity has to keep things alive. Things you see everyday become invisible. It's a dance of seperate and together... at least how that is how I would see things...

This ticking of the three times a week box....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sleepy · 21-03-2011 06:09PM

votum est alibi /familiarity breeds contempt?

If by 'unavailability' you mean separate bedrooms I'm not sure I agree though studies indicate more frequent sex for those that live that way... (socio economics could have a large part to play in this though). If you mean having active interests outside the home so you're not living in each others pockets I'd certainly agree.

Ticking a box would put anyone to sleep but surely being able to count the days since last congress would be equally disheartening...

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 06:20PM

Sleepy wrote: »

votum est alibi /familiarity breeds contempt?

If by 'unavailability' you mean separate bedrooms I'm not sure I agree though studies indicate more frequent sex for those that live that way... (socio economics could have a large part to play in this though). If you mean having active interests outside the home so you're not living in each others pockets I'd certainly agree.

Ticking a box would put anyone to sleep but surely being able to count the days since last congress would be equally disheartening...

Well I cant speak for every woman, obviously but I could see myself certainly having a better shot with the long haul with a lot of personal space,own bedroom, own bathroom, victorian style marriage as well as active interests outside the home so that you are not like trapped animals, so in the spaces of the marriage it can still feel like you are dating.

You know when you are learning to drive? And you are very aware of what you are doing? Checking your mirrors, very concious of the roads... and then five years down the line you are driving nearly on auto pilot? I think marriage gets like that.

Count Duckula · 21-03-2011 07:47PM

Since driving is a tedious exercise designed to get you from A to B in a quick and efficient manner, then yes a long-term relationship would get boring if you treated it the same way.

Treat driving as the most precious thing in your life, that brings you untold joy, love and happiness, and your car as something you want to share your life with, and then that analogy will cease to be terrible.

Husband constantly wants sex

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