Husband constantly wants sex

LegacyUser · 17-03-2011 2:09pm #1

I consider myself very happily married, and I would think so would my husband of almost 10 years, however the one and only issue we ever really argue about is sex, more so - the frequency of sex. I'll admit I have a low libido, but when we're are "getting down to it" I do enjoy it. We have a young child and I work 5 days a week, he's a carpenter so most days he's at home, doing most of house work as paid work has severely dried up. I'm tired most evenings when I do get home, and although I come home to a clean house and he is a great help with our son, after the baby is gone to bed I just want to relax and watch telly or maybe read a magazine and get an early night.

I do have sex with him maybe once a week at a push, but I'll admit I would let it go until he initiates it, which he does, not everyday but certainly every 3 or 4 days. I do find that I will say no to him the first day he instigates it and then generally have sex the next day. He is understanding when I do turn him away and isn't confrontational but I always feel a little bit guilty. He says it really bothers him that I never initiate sex or ever seem interested in talking about sex and feels that I only really have sex to keep him quiet. I accept that he says its important to keep the intimacy alive but I just want to feel relaxed before I have sex and it isn't my no.1 priority in life - it seems to be his. They say women need to be relaxed before they have sex, whereas men are relaxed by having sex, I’d have to agree.

He says his ideal with me would be sex maybe twice or three times a week, but chatting to friends and looking on the net I think thats alot (we're both 30). He is a great husband, loving and considerate, but maybe its the fact that he’s out of work, a little bit deflated and bored is fuelling his sex drive to boost his confidence – I don’t know. We had more sex when we we’re dating but life changes and priorities such as our son take up a lot more of our time. So yes I don’t want it as much as I used to but I think he needs to meet me half way and accept that the frequency of sex generally decreases with age.

I know I'm not the only woman out there with low libido issues, am I in the wrong?

Bloody Nipples · 17-03-2011 5:18pm

Not Tonight Dear wrote: »

I consider myself very happily married, and I would think so would my husband of almost 10 years, however the one and only issue we ever really argue about is sex, more so - the frequency of sex. I'll admit I have a low libido, but when we're are "getting down to it" I do enjoy it. We have a young child and I work 5 days a week, he's a carpenter so most days he's at home, doing most of house work as paid work has severely dried up. I'm tired most evenings when I do get home, and although I come home to a clean house and he is a great help with our son, after the baby is gone to bed I just want to relax and watch telly or maybe read a magazine and get an early night.

I do have sex with him maybe once a week at a push, but I'll admit I would let it go until he initiates it, which he does, not everyday but certainly every 3 or 4 days. I do find that I will say no to him the first day he instigates it and then generally have sex the next day. He is understanding when I do turn him away and isn't confrontational but I always feel a little bit guilty. He says it really bothers him that I never initiate sex or ever seem interested in talking about sex and feels that I only really have sex to keep him quiet. I accept that he says its important to keep the intimacy alive but I just want to feel relaxed before I have sex and it isn't my no.1 priority in life - it seems to be his. They say women need to be relaxed before they have sex, whereas men are relaxed by having sex, I’d have to agree.

He says his ideal with me would be sex maybe twice or three times a week, but chatting to friends and looking on the net I think thats alot (we're both 30). He is a great husband, loving and considerate, but maybe its the fact that he’s out of work, a little bit deflated and bored is fuelling his sex drive to boost his confidence – I don’t know. We had more sex when we we’re dating but life changes and priorities such as our son take up a lot more of our time. So yes I don’t want it as much as I used to but I think he needs to meet me half way and accept that the frequency of sex generally decreases with age.

I know I'm not the only woman out there with low libido issues, am I in the wrong?

Asking every 3-4 days is not asking constantly, having sex 2-3 times a week is not unrealistic and though the frequency of sex can decrease with age, it doesn't have to AND on top of that you're 30 not 60, you're still a young woman.

And I think you're misrepresenting your husband too.
26% of married couples have sex 2-3 times per week.
http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#frequency

LegacyUser · 17-03-2011 5:32pm

bloody nipples, that was not helpful advice.

OP, you are certainly not in the wrong. I do have experience of similar situation, I am younger and we're not even married yet.

Speak to your GP about your libido. It can be brought on by medication, contraceptive pill (if it is this, please do ask your GP about an alternative pill, or alternative contraceptives) stress, depression, anxiety. Multiple reasons and causes.

Also, speak with your husband about this. Be 100% open and honest, and reassure him that this has nothing to do with him. Tell your husband you are trying to get to the bottom of your libido dropping. Let him feel part of that process, you will be surprised how supportive he will be when he feels he is being included.

I really do wish you the very best in this. My gf and i had a patch of this for approx 2 years, we are out the other side of it now and sex is wonderful and plentiful again, she also initiates it very often. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, when you get your libido back you will enjoy your husband so much more.

Zen65 · 17-03-2011 6:27pm

Not Tonight Dear wrote: »

I do have sex with him maybe once a week at a push, but I'll admit I would let it go until he initiates it, which he does, not everyday but certainly every 3 or 4 days. I do find that I will say no to him the first day he instigates it and then generally have sex the next day.

.......

So yes I don’t want it as much as I used to but I think he needs to meet me half way and accept that the frequency of sex generally decreases with age.

Hi Op,

It seems you have an otherwise great relationship with this man, and you paint a picture of him being very understanding, patient and loving. Through (presumably) no fault of his own he is now largely out of work, but he has taken up the role of home carer, and you say he is a very good minder of your young son. You work 5 days a week but come home to a clean house each day.

But despite all his efforts, you are not relaxed enough to want to have sex?

What would you need in order to be sufficiently relaxed?

I ask these questions because if a man had posted your problem (with roles reversed) people might wonder why he would claim to not want to initiate sex. I suspect posters here would be highly critical of a man who paid so little attention to his wife's needs, when she was doing so much to take care of his other needs.

Don't get me wrong, I know very well how tiring it is to raise children, and I understand that sexual libido can decline with age (I'm a good bit older than you). What I read on your post is that your husband is unhappy with the frequency and the initiation of sex. You ask that he meet you half-way, but I'm not clear that you have moved half-way to meet him.

His self-esteem is wounded, he's unemployed and he probably feels as though he might have lost credibility in your eyes, and be less desirable to you. His belief is partly fuelled by the fact that he is married to a woman who does not initiate sex with him, and who refuses sex (by your account) on every second occasion when tries to initiate it.

You are not a bad wife, please don't think I'm saying anything of the sort. You seem to have a wonderful relationship, but his perception is greatly influenced by your lack of sexual interest in him. He feels insecure because of this.

Reducing his frequency of initiating sex is not meeting him half-way. It is simply asking him to walk half-way towards you, but your position is not changing.

Perhaps you could take it upon yourself to actually meet him half-way also, which would mean that you take responsibility for initiating sex (maybe once or twice a month) to let him know you still find him to be attractive, and to restore some of his confidence. I strongly suspect that if you occasionally initiated sex, he would be more receptive to reducing the overall frequency of sex. Making time for quality sex (not just a 5-minute quickie) should be a feature of a more mature sex life, especially when so many other things in your relationship are going well. You could try occasionally saying to him when he wants sex but you are just too tired that you would like him to pleasure himself while you hold him, talk dirty to him, or sing to him. OK, the singing won't work, but the other ideas really can.

If you simply ignore his wishes, and continue to try to single-handedly reduce the frequency of your sexual intercourse, then he might become depressed, or despondent. He may believe that you no longer want him, and he may even start to look elsewhere. Sounds unbelievable?? But if you read the accounts of men who turn to having affairs late in their marriages you'll see this is often the main catalyst. I'm not suggesting you have sex with him to keep him faithful, I'm only suggesting that you should consider how important it is to him, and how unloved he may be feeling in a marriage with a woman who never initiates sex with him, despite his efforts to help out in the home as he does.

Be at peace,

Z

Ickle Magoo · 17-03-2011 6:43pm

Not Tonight Dear wrote: »

....am I in the wrong?

I don't think it's about who is right or who is wrong - nor about trying to normalise the issues within your relationship by making sweeping (and certainly inaccurate by my experiences) generalisations about both genders. If you don't feel you want to have sex with your husband any more and that has become an issue in your marriage then you have to address that. It doesn't matter if the rest of the world has sex 10 times a week or 10 times a year.

It is horribly unfair on your husband to keep palming him off and delighting in how lovely a man he is while refusing to engage in what most would view as a hugely important aspect of a marriage/relationship. What would make you feel more inclined to want sex with him? What has changed so dramatically for you? Is his unemployment making you feel overworked and over-stressed if not slightly resentful? Perhaps you could speak to the doctor and ask if there is any hormonal issues at play?

The bottom line is your husband is not going to be enjoying being rebuffed and rejected twice a week - you risk permanently damaging your relationship by continually doing that and trying to find ways of stopping your husband wanting to have intimate relations regularly with his wife is not seeking a fair compromise. You really need to look into why you feel the way you do, study your lives together and work out why you feel so reticent to have sex with your husband and then deal with those issues. Sit your husband down and lay your cards on the table, I'm sure he'd much rather work on any surrounding issues than keep having to take your rejections on the chin.

All the best

Memnoch · 17-03-2011 9:03pm

OP,
Three times a week would be considered normal for a couple to have sex. (If I remember my studies way back when.)

I understand where you are coming from. When you are at home all day long, even if you are doing housework, the perspective is totally different and sometimes you don't get how tired your partner is and how it can affect their mood.

However, I do think that sex and intimacy is very important in a relationship and when it deteriorates the rest of the relationship soon starts to suffer.

Maybe you don't have to do it two or three times a week, but maybe you could do it two or three times on the weekend to make up for it?

You have a right to have as much or as little sex as you want, but I would be deeply unhappy in a relationship where it was once a week or less. And so would many other fellas. I hope this doesn't sound like you should feel pressured to have sex more often, but this is one of those issues on which compromise is very difficult without one or both parties having to do/not do what they want at a very deep and core level.

Distorted · 17-03-2011 9:15pm

OP your'e probably run a bit ragged and want a bit of time to yourself and to wind down in the evenings, and I don't think theres any hiding the elephant in the room - you have both a full time job and a young child, and he is at home not working very much. To be honest, if he wasn't understanding about this, it would really get on my goat and he could be as depressed and despondent as much as he liked! I actually think you're being incredibly restrained about it all. I don't really get this thing of running around after men to the extent that your own feelings are totally subsumed. But then I'm half Dutch and in Holland only 10% of women work full-time and the men are really well behaved and not very sexist. This thread for me is a complete culture clash and I don't know if what I'm posting is of any use, because you will probably end up compromising yourself to save your marriage.

I also wouldn't really have any truck with statistics which state that x number of times a week sex with your husband is "normal". Its your relationship and its up to the two of you to define what is normal for you, and that means your wishes have just as much importance as those of your husband.

He has to take responsibility in this. He is not helping to create an environment where you want to frequently be intimate with him. Its not only up to you to fix it.

hollypink · 17-03-2011 9:24pm

Not Tonight Dear wrote: »

... I come home to a clean house and he is a great help with our son,

He is understanding when I do turn him away and isn't confrontational but I always feel a little bit guilty.

He is a great husband, loving and considerate,

Distorted wrote: »

He is not helping to create an environment where you want to frequently be intimate with him. Its not only up to you to fix it.

He isn't????

In what way?

Distorted · 17-03-2011 9:29pm

hollypink wrote: »

He isn't???? In what way?

He doesn't have a job. He isn't playing his part financially. He is expecting the OP to provide financially for the entire family. He is at home all day bored and full of energy when the OP gets home tired. He isn't taking all of this into account and is making the OP feel guilty.

Really, in that sort of instance, the very least I'd be expecting of a man is for him to spoil me and be sympathetic towards me!

I'm not really saying what I think here. I am actually trying to be tactful. This is a real culture clash for me and I have many friends who in the position of the OP would have the same attitude as me, but I realise things are different in Ireland than elsewhere.

I am a friend · 17-03-2011 9:32pm

You have turned your husband into your flatmate. It's not fair on him and you have no right to change the terms of your relationship unilaterally and on a long term basis.

As another poster said there is nothing stopping you having sex 2 or 3 times at the weekend.

Distorted · 17-03-2011 9:38pm

OP - can I suggest posting this on mumsnet? You will really get a whole different set of viewpoints.

Moomoo1 · 17-03-2011 9:58pm

Distorted wrote: »

He doesn't have a job. He isn't playing his part financially. He is expecting the OP to provide financially for the entire family. He is at home all day bored and full of energy when the OP gets home tired. He isn't taking all of this into account and is making the OP feel guilty.

Really, in that sort of instance, the very least I'd be expecting of a man is for him to spoil me and be sympathetic towards me!

I'm not really saying what I think here. I am actually trying to be tactful. This is a real culture clash for me and I have many friends who in the position of the OP would have the same attitude as me, but I realise things are different in Ireland than elsewhere.

so what you are saying is, basically, show me the money, get the sex?

Distorted · 17-03-2011 10:01pm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

so what you are saying is, basically, show me the money, get the sex?

No, I'm saying "What is she getting for her money?"

Talk about recession all you like, but theres not many women I know who'd put up with that situation for long.

RodSteel · 17-03-2011 10:06pm

Distorted wrote: »

OP - can I suggest posting this on mumsnet? You will really get a whole different set of viewpoints.

Biased/anti men type of viewpoints? Your points dont really make any sense with regard to the OPs post.
You are also giving off a bad general description of what Dutch women are like in their relationships which I would have to disagree with also.

Distorted · 17-03-2011 10:11pm

RodSteel wrote: »

Biased/anti men type of viewpoints? Your points dont really make any sense with regard to the OPs post.
You are also giving off a bad general description of what Dutch women are like in their relationships which I would have to disagree with also.

Oh, I knew someone on here would say that. And then someone will pop up and criticise my username.

No woman is supposed to give a slightly pragmatic viewpoint on an issue that affects men. Abuse results if you do.

The OP's man isn't making her happy though, is he?

LegacyUser · 17-03-2011 10:16pm

He doesn't have a job. He isn't playing his part financially. He is expecting the OP to provide financially for the entire family. He is at home all day bored and full of energy when the OP gets home tired. He isn't taking all of this into account and is making the OP feel guilty.

Really, in that sort of instance, the very least I'd be expecting of a man is for him to spoil me and be sympathetic towards me!

He cleans the house AND looks after their child, its not like he's sitting on his arse all day in front on the TV!

Have you ever looked after a child 5 days a week and took care of all the household chores? its bloody hard work, as hard as any job, just because its not "manual" work, it doesn't mean its any less draining!

As has been said, OP you have the weekend, you could have sex saturday and sunday when you're not tired from work that's 2 nights, surely you can get over the tiredness for ONE night a week to make love to your husband?!!

He says his ideal with me would be sex maybe twice or three times a week, but chatting to friends and looking on the net I think thats alot (we're both 30)

To be quite honest OP, i'm a 27 yr old woman, i work hard, i still have an active sex life with my bf, if i found myself in the position in 3 years time where i'd consider sex 3 nights a week as being a lot i'd be straight down to my gp to see what was going on!

Being brutal, say you take the low end of his estimate, 2 times a week, at 30 years of age that imo is beyond a low libido, it's a non-existant libido, and i really think you should see your gp and get checked, it could be a hormonal issue or something...

Incidently what's your excuse for not being able to have sex at the weekend when you're not working? That would seem like a compromise, your husband gets the bare minimum and you aren't tired?

So yes I don’t want it as much as I used to but I think he needs to meet me half way and accept that the frequency of sex generally decreases with age.

OP seriously come on, you're 30, you're not old, that's really not an excuse, as has been said if you were 60 maybe.....

hollypink · 17-03-2011 10:16pm

Distorted wrote: »

Oh, I knew someone on here would say that. And then someone will pop up and criticise my username.

No woman is supposed to give a slightly pragmatic viewpoint on an issue that affects men. Abuse results if you do.

The OP's man isn't making her happy though, is he?

So the responsibility for the OP's happiness is entirely with the OP's man, is it? Not with her at all? He's unemployed so he should never initiate sex. And the OP doesn't want to initiate sex. What's your advice exactly?

RodSteel · 17-03-2011 10:22pm

Distorted wrote: »

Oh, I knew someone on here would say that. And then someone will pop up and criticise my username.

No woman is supposed to give a slightly pragmatic viewpoint on an issue that affects men. Abuse results if you do.

The OP's man isn't making her happy though, is he?

I dont think you are really understanding what pragmatic means.
"Abuse results if you do" ??? What are you talking about

The OP said she is tired, wants to relax and is not in humour for sex when her husband is, that is her issue, but your advice is no advice, just be aggressive?

Distorted · 17-03-2011 10:22pm

hollypink wrote: »

So the responsibility for the OP's happiness is entirely with the OP's man, is it? Not with her at all? He's unemployed so he should never initiate sex. And the OP doesn't want to initiate sex. What's your advice exactly?

Not at all. I just find the notion that the OP should have sex as a duty when she doesn't want to so that the husband's feelings aren't hurt repugnant.

What is she supposed to do? Fake that she's enjoying it when she is wishing she didn't have to have sex? Or is she meant to be magically transposed into a sexual lust?

I don't believe that marriage is some selling out of your own personal feelings. That there is no understanding that the husband is partly responsible for this. That no patience and understanding is advocated during this period, which is probably a period of high stress for her, merely that the OP should do her duty and do it more frequently at weekends if she's too tired at nights.

Its just not sounding like a whole lot of fun for her.

Distorted · 17-03-2011 10:24pm

RodSteel wrote: »

I dont think you are really understanding what pragmatic means.
"Abuse results if you do" ??? What are you talking about

You're right. I am merely a woman and don't understand such big words.

You answer your own question by the way.

hollypink · 17-03-2011 10:34pm

Distorted wrote: »

Not at all. I just find the notion that the OP should have sex as a duty when she doesn't want to so that the husband's feelings aren't hurt repugnant.

What is she supposed to do? Fake that she's enjoying it when she is wishing she didn't have to have sex? Or is she meant to be magically transposed into a sexual lust?

I don't believe that marriage is some selling out of your own personal feelings. That there is no understanding that the husband is partly responsible for this. That no patience and understanding is advocated during this period, which is probably a period of high stress for her, merely that the OP should do her duty and do it more frequently at weekends if she's too tired at nights.

Its just not sounding like a whole lot of fun for her.

Why exactly are the OP's personal feelings the only things that matter here? Why aren't you considering the OP's husband's feelings at all? According to the OP, her husband has been patient and considerate, and the OP feels guilty in spite of his reaction to her rejection, not because of it. I'm sure it is also stressful being unemployed, particularly for a man in a relationship since most people regard the man as the breadwinner.

dr gonzo · 17-03-2011 10:37pm

Distorted wrote: »

He doesn't have a job. He isn't playing his part financially.

And yet by her own description the OP's husband is doing everything he can to make himself useful in the interim, i would agree with your point entirely if he was at home all day watching tv but hes doing anything but, he has, im sure no interest in being a house husband but in fairness to the guy hes trying to do every other job while hes low on work.

Distorted wrote: »

He is expecting the OP to provide financially for the entire family.

Thats what it means to be in a family, hes not out of work voluntarily, hes clearly not a malingerer, so yes, for the time being its up to the OP to be a breadwinner

Distorted wrote: »

He is at home all day bored and full of energy when the OP gets home tired. He isn't taking all of this into account and is making the OP feel guilty.

Shes says that she says feels guilty, once again by her own admission, hes not making her do anything at all.

I am in no way trying to be confrontational here, the reason ive answered you point by point is because i think youve given the OP exceptionally bad information that could in a worst case scenario jeopardise her relationship. Of course the OP can have sex as much or as little as she wants but we're not talking about civic duty here, we're talking about a long term relationship thats only solid when its balanced and what i and most of the other posters on here are suggesting is that the OP should do her fair share, not to force herself to have sex but to attempt to repair the spice that has fizzled out which her husband seems to be keen to do. It could be as easy as resting up on Friday and having a frisky Saturday.

Fair is fair OP, your husband is doing his best in every way he can, as are you and forget figures and statistics, all he wants is for you to show interest in him physically.

Silverfish · 17-03-2011 10:40pm

Please keep replies on-topic and helpful to the OP.

I'm sure the OP doesn't want to read a page of arguing but would rather read advice on her issue.

Thanks.

Kimia · 17-03-2011 10:48pm

Some of the replies here are shocking. So if you're not doing it 3 times a week you need to get yourself to the GP pronto? Give me a break. :rolleyes:

However, I disagree with the point someone made where the husband needs to be providing financially and that this is the reason she may not want to have sex.

How dare those judgemental few of you to try and make her feel bad for not wanting to have sex as much as her husband. Oh, cram in 3 times at the weekends and then it'll be all better? I can't believe someone posted that, actually asking her what her excuse was for not ramping it up a notch at the weekends!

The main point is as has been mentioned before is not different people rambling on about 'normal', which is compete and utter bollox, it's that the OP and her husbands libido's are out of sync and it's affecting their relationship. They need to compromise - OP you need to talk to your husband. It could be that he's feeling the need for extra affection and attention at the moment because he's feeling down about his umemployment. And he needs to understand that you're probably knackered and worried about the money responsibilities so naturally your mind isn't on ripping each others clothes off the minute you get in the door. Compromise and communicate. That's all you can do and if you love each other I'm confident you'll find a good middle ground. Best of luck.

hollypink · 17-03-2011 11:04pm

OP I can't give any better than zen65 or ickle magoo did above so I just echo their advice. Your husband sounds like a lovely man, and I'm sure his being out of work is putting a lot of pressure on your relationship so I hope you can work this out.

LegacyUser · 17-03-2011 11:20pm

@ Distorted - I appreciate you being on my side in the argument, however I do feel you are being a little heavy handed. My husband is far from lazy around the house, he wants to keep himself busy, so he does the cleaning, the hoovering, the laundry etc etc and minds our son on the days he knows he has no work commitments at all.

I think the type of man in the picture is key to the advice, if the man was a pushy chauvenist it would be easy to stack the cards against him, but my husband is a good one!! I don't have much to bad mouth about him, its just he's at a low ebb in his life and I'm at a low libido in mine, so our sex life isn't in harmony.

Also I don't think money should be an issue in this at all! Its the modern world, we're a modern couple, we're there for each other. If I was out of work he would support me if he had a job, and no question of sexual favours for lodging his.

@Kimia - you make a valid point, I do think the slow down in his work has really knocked his self confidence, since unemployment has loomed he has become more needy for my affection and attention (I'm not talking about sex here, just kisses, hugs cuddles etc- the basics!)

fghijkl · 17-03-2011 11:23pm

I do have sex with him maybe once a week at a push, but I'll admit I would let it go until he initiates it

The main point is as has been mentioned before is not different people rambling on about 'normal', which is compete and utter bollox, it's that the OP and her husbands libido's are out of sync and it's affecting their relationship. They need to compromise - OP you need to talk to your husband

Some of the replies here are shocking. So if you're not doing it 3 times a week you need to get yourself to the GP pronto? Give me a break.

Yes but once a week? at a push? yes normal is relative, but come on honestly once a week at 30 years of age? There has to be more at play there than "being tired" in fairness Their libidos are out of sync, but the husband says he'll settle for twice a week, that's hardly unreasonable.

So yes I don’t want it as much as I used to but I think he needs to meet me half way and accept that the frequency of sex generally decreases with age.

If settling for a lousy 2 nights a week isn't meeting her halfway then what on earth is? If the OP can't see that 2 nights a week IS a compromise and thinks that he only wants sex out of boredom, then she is seriously underestimating the importance of sex in a healthy relationship. She comes home to a clean house, child asleep, and plops herself in front of the tv! She could easily cut her "watching tv" time by half an hour/an hour for TWO nights a week! As was already pointed out she doesn't even have to have full sex with him, she could help him get his kicks in other ways, it's not just about 'sex' it's about the intimacy that comes with it, christ if she's not making an effort to keep intimacy alive at the young age of 30 then where will they be at 50?!

The OP says she's too tired but that's a very flimsy excuse, no one says the have to ware each other out going at it like duracell bunnies, why can't she compromise by having nice relaxing slow sex?! TBH personally i'd find a nice sensual slow sex session far more relaxing and fulfilling than watching corrie after a days work.

dr gonzo · 17-03-2011 11:32pm

Kimia wrote: »

Some of the replies here are shocking. So if you're not doing it 3 times a week you need to get yourself to the GP pronto? Give me a break. :rolleyes:

However, I disagree with the point someone made where the husband needs to be providing financially and that this is the reason she may not want to have sex.

How dare those judgemental few of you to try and make her feel bad for not wanting to have sex as much as her husband. Oh, cram in 3 times at the weekends and then it'll be all better? I can't believe someone posted that, actually asking her what her excuse was for not ramping it up a notch at the weekends!

The main point is as has been mentioned before is not different people rambling on about 'normal', which is compete and utter bollox, it's that the OP and her husbands libido's are out of sync and it's affecting their relationship. They need to compromise - OP you need to talk to your husband. It could be that he's feeling the need for extra affection and attention at the moment because he's feeling down about his umemployment. And he needs to understand that you're probably knackered and worried about the money responsibilities so naturally your mind isn't on ripping each others clothes off the minute you get in the door. Compromise and communicate. That's all you can do and if you love each other I'm confident you'll find a good middle ground. Best of luck.

Nobody on here is in any way intending to denigrate the OP, shes seems like a lovely person and an attentive and caring wife but if i may say once again someone is suggesting that compromise is the solution while conversely stating that the husband is completely at fault, you have in no way suggested a compromise, what youre saying is my way or the highway, that is not a compromise, its more like a quick route to the divorce courts.

Kimia · 17-03-2011 11:39pm

dr gonzo wrote: »

Nobody on here is in any way intending to denigrate the OP, shes seems like a lovely person and an attentive and caring wife but if i may say once again someone is suggesting that compromise is the solution while conversely stating that the husband is completely at fault, you have in no way suggested a compromise, what youre saying is my way or the highway, that is not a compromise, its more like a quick route to the divorce courts.

Em, what? Read my last paragraph. Nowhere did I say it was the husband's fault, people will naturally have different libidos. I was disgusted by the people who were demanding excuses from the OP as to why she wasn't having more sex and calling her abnormal because she's not interested in doing it 3 times a week. Case in point, the comment before yours.

It's just very irritating when someone makes a big generalisation like 'Oh my god you're only doing it once a week and you're 30, there must be something wrong with you!!'. People are different and that's ok. My point again is if you are in a committed loving relationship (and it appears the OP is which is great) you need to compromise. Compromise does not mean telling the OP to go to the GP because she's 30 and there's something wrong with her.

fghijkl · 18-03-2011 12:06am

It's just very irritating when someone makes a big generalisation like 'Oh my god you're only doing it once a week and you're 30, there must be something wrong with you!!'. People are different and that's ok.

And that would be fine if it the ops libido had always been low, but by her own admission the OP said that

We had more sex when we we’re dating

now yes the fall in her libido may just be down to "life changes" as the OP put it but i don't think going to see her gp for a quick check up/chat would do any harm, as equally it could be down to something as simple as her brand of pill/choice of contracteption/hormonal issues! I know the first thing my gp told me when i went on the pill was that it could cause my libido to drop!
I'm not trying to say that she has a low libido = there must be something wrong with her,
but saying oh i have a low libido it must be because i'm getting older and not bothering to try and investigate if something is amiss or whether you do just have a low libido , well that IS wrong imho

Compromise does not mean telling the OP to go to the GP because she's 30 and there's something wrong with her.

Equally it does not mean acknowledging that their libidos are at odds and not even trying to do anything practical to try and resolve it!

dr gonzo · 18-03-2011 12:52am

Kimia wrote: »

Em, what? Read my last paragraph. Nowhere did I say it was the husband's fault, people will naturally have different libidos. I was disgusted by the people who were demanding excuses from the OP as to why she wasn't having more sex and calling her abnormal because she's not interested in doing it 3 times a week. Case in point, the comment before yours.

It's just very irritating when someone makes a big generalisation like 'Oh my god you're only doing it once a week and you're 30, there must be something wrong with you!!'. People are different and that's ok. My point again is if you are in a committed loving relationship (and it appears the OP is which is great) you need to compromise. Compromise does not mean telling the OP to go to the GP because she's 30 and there's something wrong with her.

Apologies, my response was a little kneejerk and i hadnt read your post properly. You are dead right in what you say here but i merely wanted to express that the sole onus of responsibility does not merely lie with the husband which is what i actually meant when i said "fault", badly worded i admit.

Of course the OP doesnt need to be told by an internet board to go see a gp cause shes not feeling aroused at the moment but i think what people were saying there is that she should perhaps be thinking about other ways of reigniting the passion a bit rather then just having sex she doesnt really want to pacify his libido. Actual attempts by her to make him feel as physically desired as much as he desires her would be a real compromise.

Corkblowin · 18-03-2011 1:07am

OP, firstly I have to say that you should not feel you are obligated to have sex. It should be a mutually pleasurable and satisfying experience – trust me when I say I believe that your husband has no wish to force you into anything – it sounds to me like he is trying to understand where you are coming from and you say yourself that he is non-confrontational – but that can only continue for so long I’m afraid.

Can I respectfully suggest that you step back and re-evaluate your position? The tone of your posts suggests that you believe your husband is the only one with an issue – even the title of your thread is that your husband is constantly looking for sex. You’ve looked it up on the net and discussed with your friends and you believe you are normal – I’m afraid nobody can tell anyone else what is normal in a relationship, it is unique and special to each one and there are no such things as quotas.

Your solution to the issue appears to be to convince your husband that he needs to accept that sexual frequency decreases with age and that he should be satisfied with less in the future. I do not believe this to be true, and also that it is selfish to insist that his desires be diminished - while you think you are being reasonable and compromising you are actually asking him to admit that he is wrong and that his needs are unreasonable.

I’m not saying that to attack you, and while I cannot possibly feel what you are, I have been where your husband is, not unemployed, but with a wife who’s libido was wildly at variance with my own.

Only someone who has been in that situation can understand the crushing damage that can be done to a mans self-esteem. In your husbands case it is possibly increased as he is out of work. Your husband is questioning everything at the moment, and assuming it must be him, that he is less of a man, that his wife no longer finds him attractive, that he’s abnormal – which you are reinforcing as you have been telling that 3 times a week is not normal.

OP there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to make love to his wife, but you are making him feeling like there is, and guilty for trying to, further compounded by the knowledge that you are not going to initate anything. It is likely that he feels equally guilty when you do make love as he knows that you would prefer not to be having sex. Your real problems will arise when he no longer tries, as may well happen if things continue.

You both started off having a more active sex life, but it has changed in spite of his wishes or without him understanding why, and the logical conclusion for him is that it must be him. You say you believe your husband is happily married, but I can assure you each time you refuse him it’s another cut to his psyche, and while you sleep hes left lying there, looking at the ceiling, contemplating his inadequacy – soon to be facing the realisation that this is what his life will be like for the next 40 years unless something changes……

You seem like a level headed, compassionate and kind woman who loves her husband, but perhaps the current stresses are clouding the issue. I hope you can step back from the situation and see his position and work towards a mutually understanding.

While there is merit is having a health check, the fact you do enjoy it when you do have sex suggest that its more mental. Perhaps a session or two with a mediator or counselor where you both can speak to a neutral person about your issues would be more beneficial.

Is there any way you both can get away for a long weekend or a break, just the two of you, in new surroundings, without family, work and money stresses, where hopefully you can discuss things openly, maybe even rekindle some of the spark you had before, where lovemaking was not seen as a chore or a duty, but something that you both want to enjoy together. You both need to do this before there comes a point where things are said or events happen that can’t be undone.

I wish you luck and hope you can sort things out.

Distorted – I find your stance abhorrent. The OP should not feel forced into anything, but at the same time to dismiss her husbands needs because he is not contributing financially is disgraceful and sexist. If the positions were reversed and she was a stay-at-home mother (as was the situation for many decades) would you expect that she have sex with her husband whenever he wanted as the main breadwinners wishes must come first? Of course not. Relationships are a partnership and one persons feeling or desires are not more important than the others.

Moomoo1 · 18-03-2011 7:55am

Distorted wrote: »

No, I'm saying "What is she getting for her money?"

Talk about recession all you like, but theres not many women I know who'd put up with that situation for long.

so what happens if the husband of one of the women you know loses his job... does the wife just up and leave?

isn't that just prostitution by another name - you are only there as long as the money is?

common sense brigade · 18-03-2011 8:58am

maybe its the fact that he’s out of work, a little bit deflated and bored is fuelling his sex drive to boost his confidence

I am a woman age 31 with normal sex drive and full time career mon-fri 40 hour week and i have a 1 year old, and once a week at a push is not normal. 2-3 times would be the norm for couples in their 30's. maybe go to the doctor and discuss your low libido and see can it be treated. He sounds normal you do not. if he is a good husband to you , you should try resolve this. it must be so sad for him that you never initiate sex. Thats what would effect his confidence as much if not more than being out of work.

Distorted · 18-03-2011 9:05am

Corkblowin wrote: »

Distorted – I find your stance abhorrent. The OP should not feel forced into anything, but at the same time to dismiss her husbands needs because he is not contributing financially is disgraceful and sexist. If the positions were reversed and she was a stay-at-home mother (as was the situation for many decades) would you expect that she have sex with her husband whenever he wanted as the main breadwinners wishes must come first? Of course not. Relationships are a partnership and one persons feeling or desires are not more important than the others.

Oh get over it. There are a lot of things in this world that are truly abhorent, and simply pointing out that a woman who wants less sex than her husband (or vice versa) is not mentally ill, in need of medical intervention, should subjugate her needs and ignoring the fact that she is probably very tired from being the sole breadwinner does not qualify as "abhorent". Its just that some people don't like having their stereotypical views challenged.

Corkblowin wrote: »

so what happens if the husband of one of the women you know loses his job... does the wife just up and leave?

isn't that just prostitution by another name - you are only there as long as the money is?

No, I believe in both parties to the relationship pulling their weight and being flexibile to each other's changing needs and desires. If my boyfriend lost his job, I certainly wouldn't drop him. I would support him and offer him sympathy. But if he were still there 6 months down the line, having made little effort to find work or retrain or relocate, my patience would start to wane. If he was in the same position after a year I would be seriously questioning the relationship and whether I'd be better being single. I have a friend whose husband was made redundant and struggled to find a new job. While looking, he started retraining as an electrician, took his HGV test and trained for a marathon, but has just found a job in his original field because his new employer was so impressed by his drive. Thats what I'd be looking for my man to do in such a position. And to be honest, I couldn't be bothered with such a mentally fragile one, as suggested on here (not by the OP), who suffered such suggested mental trauma from not getting as much sex as he wants in what is obviously a particularly difficult period for this couple.

I find some of the comments on here quite repulsive. I just can't think why any woman would want to be with some of the men who think like this when there are so many more decent, patient, understanding men out there who see you as a person 100% of the time, rather than an object to have sex with (even when you don't feel like it). I've certainly never experienced it from a man (red flag!), but then I've always tended to have relationships with men, such as my current partner, who don't want to lie in bed all weekend but want to get out and do other fun stuff too (in Holland the word for spending all day in bed is "rancid"). I will admit it, since everyone on here seems to be ashamed to - I find men who pressurise me for sex when I don't want it a complete turn off.

I also find it really surprising that the concept of differing libidos and reducing libido is that novel. Its almost like you think people who have sex like that must be so busy having so much sex to make up the numbers, they must be too busy/tired/stale to have really good sex. The thought of her having to "pleasure him in other ways" so he gets his 4 a week or whatever it was - how one sided can you get?

It might just be a phase this couple are going through. Should the OP really have to visit her doctor to be treated for this? Maybe she would feel a lot better about sex if she wasn't under pressure to have it so often, but when she wanted to. Is this such a novel concept?

Strange, because its not as if the OP's husband isn't getting sex. He is, but he wants more. So does this mean the many couples who have the same amount of sex as this couple currently does must also go to their doctors?

Yes, in some cases low libido might be a sign of something else wrong, but to suggest that it is automatically a medical problem when the circumstances indicate the woman is simply tired and stressed by current circumstances, seems to come too close to me to suggesting women have more important as sexual objects rather than real people.

common sense brigade · 18-03-2011 9:37am

Yes, in some cases low libido might be a sign of something else wrong

The OP states that previously in the relationship they had more sex . so she must have enjoyed sex at that time. so having a low libido now is something that might need addressing. there are medicines available in health food stores that can help a flagging libido .she should talk to a doctor if she is willing to meet her husband half way. no one expects the OP to have sex if she does not want to. But in a marriage it is a partnership and as her husband actaully sounds like a good decent person she should be willing to try and see why their sex life is not fully satisfying for him. im a woman in age 31 with full time career and 1 year old and i desire my husband like crazy. yes i do get tierd but keeping your marriage alive is important and intimacy is important. and sex is important whether people want to believe it isint or not. The OP husband is also staying home raising their son and keeping the house in good order. He is not being idle he is doing the job women have done for centuries and obviously he still loves and desires his wife. as is normal. they are in early 30's not 60's.

Maple · 18-03-2011 10:06am

Folks, last warning. Please keep it civil and relevant to the topic at hand.

Maple.

RodSteel · 18-03-2011 11:34am

Distorted wrote: »

Oh get over it. There are a lot of things in this world that are truly abhorent, and simply pointing out that a woman who wants less sex than her husband (or vice versa) is not mentally ill, in need of medical intervention, should subjugate her needs and ignoring the fact that she is probably very tired from being the sole breadwinner does not qualify as "abhorent". Its just that some people don't like having their stereotypical views challenged.

No, I believe in both parties to the relationship pulling their weight and being flexibile to each other's changing needs and desires. If my boyfriend lost his job, I certainly wouldn't drop him. I would support him and offer him sympathy. But if he were still there 6 months down the line, having made little effort to find work or retrain or relocate, my patience would start to wane. If he was in the same position after a year I would be seriously questioning the relationship and whether I'd be better being single. I have a friend whose husband was made redundant and struggled to find a new job. While looking, he started retraining as an electrician, took his HGV test and trained for a marathon, but has just found a job in his original field because his new employer was so impressed by his drive. Thats what I'd be looking for my man to do in such a position. And to be honest, I couldn't be bothered with such a mentally fragile one, as suggested on here (not by the OP), who suffered such suggested mental trauma from not getting as much sex as he wants in what is obviously a particularly difficult period for this couple.

I find some of the comments on here quite repulsive. I just can't think why any woman would want to be with some of the men who think like this when there are so many more decent, patient, understanding men out there who see you as a person 100% of the time, rather than an object to have sex with (even when you don't feel like it). I've certainly never experienced it from a man (red flag!), but then I've always tended to have relationships with men, such as my current partner, who don't want to lie in bed all weekend but want to get out and do other fun stuff too (in Holland the word for spending all day in bed is "rancid"). I will admit it, since everyone on here seems to be ashamed to - I find men who pressurise me for sex when I don't want it a complete turn off.

I also find it really surprising that the concept of differing libidos and reducing libido is that novel. Its almost like you think people who have sex like that must be so busy having so much sex to make up the numbers, they must be too busy/tired/stale to have really good sex. The thought of her having to "pleasure him in other ways" so he gets his 4 a week or whatever it was - how one sided can you get?

It might just be a phase this couple are going through. Should the OP really have to visit her doctor to be treated for this? Maybe she would feel a lot better about sex if she wasn't under pressure to have it so often, but when she wanted to. Is this such a novel concept?

Strange, because its not as if the OP's husband isn't getting sex. He is, but he wants more. So does this mean the many couples who have the same amount of sex as this couple currently does must also go to their doctors?

Yes, in some cases low libido might be a sign of something else wrong, but to suggest that it is automatically a medical problem when the circumstances indicate the woman is simply tired and stressed by current circumstances, seems to come too close to me to suggesting women have more important as sexual objects rather than real people.

I will say this in the most civil way possible. Your posts present to me a very ugly, angry read which bears no help to the OP and her situation.

Silverfish · 18-03-2011 12:13pm

RodSteel banned, we couldn't have made the warnings any clearer.

Permabear · 18-03-2011 1:01pm

This post has been deleted.

metrovelvet · 18-03-2011 1:02pm

I don't get why people are bringing in 'norms'. OP and her husband are not everyone else.

Sometimes eros goes. Sometimes it comes back. And sometimes it doesn't. But its not always fixable by a GP. Sometimes familiarity makes things lose their charge or sometimes the dynamic makes things wane too.

But I think its a bit unfair to be talking about norms and making this couple feel like deficients or deviants.

Ickle Magoo · 18-03-2011 1:22pm

I presume people are bringing in "norms" due to the multiple references in the OP about other people, not to mention that her husband should be basing his expectations of their relationship on what "they" say...

The OP refers to the problem as "libido issues" herself - it's hardly outlandish to suggest libido issues may have a hormonal cause and that a doctor could perhaps help with that.

If the OP wants to solve this issue and minimise damage to her relationship I'm sure she'll be wanting to explore all possible avenues. :cool:

Permabear · 18-03-2011 1:39pm

This post has been deleted.

fungun · 18-03-2011 4:05pm

Distorted wrote: »

No, I'm saying "What is she getting for her money?"
Talk about recession all you like, but theres not many women I know who'd put up with that situation for long.

:eek:

I earn about 10x what my partner makes and if I ever even started thinking in terms of 'what i am getting for my money' id be worried.
If you are in a long term stable healthy reln then I cannot understand thinking like this at all....in these circumstances you are in it together and thinking like you say would just show that you are not in it together...you are in it for what you can get out of it, and making sure you dont give more than you get.

I think the op got some good advice at the start of pg 1, id ignore the later parts of this thread

cafecolour · 18-03-2011 6:22pm

Do you have a lot of physical contact when there's not sex involved? I.e. cuddling, maybe him giving you a massage (and vice versa), etc. where it's not thought of as foreplay.

Since if he's only physically affectionate when he wants sex, then you'll start associating any physical affection negatively (i.e. it will be associated with the pressure to have sex in your brain, and you won't be able to relax and enjoy it), and becomes a vicious circle which leave you with even a lower libido.

Moomoo1 · 18-03-2011 11:28pm

Distorted wrote: »

No, I believe in both parties to the relationship pulling their weight and being flexibile to each other's changing needs and desires. If my boyfriend lost his job, I certainly wouldn't drop him. I would support him and offer him sympathy. But if he were still there 6 months down the line, having made little effort to find work or retrain or relocate, my patience would start to wane. If he was in the same position after a year I would be seriously questioning the relationship and whether I'd be better being single. I have a friend whose husband was made redundant and struggled to find a new job. While looking, he started retraining as an electrician, took his HGV test and trained for a marathon, but has just found a job in his original field because his new employer was so impressed by his drive. Thats what I'd be looking for my man to do in such a position. And to be honest, I couldn't be bothered with such a mentally fragile one, as suggested on here (not by the OP), who suffered such suggested mental trauma from not getting as much sex as he wants in what is obviously a particularly difficult period for this couple.

I find some of the comments on here quite repulsive. I just can't think why any woman would want to be with some of the men who think like this when there are so many more decent, patient, understanding men out there who see you as a person 100% of the time, rather than an object to have sex with (even when you don't feel like it). I've certainly never experienced it from a man (red flag!), but then I've always tended to have relationships with men, such as my current partner, who don't want to lie in bed all weekend but want to get out and do other fun stuff too (in Holland the word for spending all day in bed is "rancid"). I will admit it, since everyone on here seems to be ashamed to - I find men who pressurise me for sex when I don't want it a complete turn off.

I also find it really surprising that the concept of differing libidos and reducing libido is that novel. Its almost like you think people who have sex like that must be so busy having so much sex to make up the numbers, they must be too busy/tired/stale to have really good sex. The thought of her having to "pleasure him in other ways" so he gets his 4 a week or whatever it was - how one sided can you get?

It might just be a phase this couple are going through. Should the OP really have to visit her doctor to be treated for this? Maybe she would feel a lot better about sex if she wasn't under pressure to have it so often, but when she wanted to. Is this such a novel concept?

Strange, because its not as if the OP's husband isn't getting sex. He is, but he wants more. So does this mean the many couples who have the same amount of sex as this couple currently does must also go to their doctors?

Yes, in some cases low libido might be a sign of something else wrong, but to suggest that it is automatically a medical problem when the circumstances indicate the woman is simply tired and stressed by current circumstances, seems to come too close to me to suggesting women have more important as sexual objects rather than real people.

In that case I think you are just misreading the first post. There is nowhere any suggestion that the OP's partner is not pulling his weight. In fact, he is doing his housework, looking after the kids and still doing some paid work (hence the OP saying he's at home _most_ days - but not all).

Talking about stress, actually, looking after a child when one parent works is MUCH less stressful than when two parents work. So I don't see what's so stressful about the current circumstances for the OP: when her partner starts working full time and she will have to do her full share of childcare and housework, then it will get a whole lot worse imho. And in fact, nowhere does the OP mention stress: it's you who decided for her that she must be stressed.

Finally, you say you find men who pressurise you for sex a turn-off. Well, I, like many men on here, find wives who constantly refuse sex and never take initiative a turn-off. A major turn-off. And the problem is that OP doesn't want to be found a turn-off, that's why she is worried about this.

Distorted · 19-03-2011 12:07am

Moomoo1 wrote: »

In that case I think you are just misreading the first post. There is nowhere any suggestion that the OP's partner is not pulling his weight. In fact, he is doing his housework, looking after the kids and still doing some paid work (hence the OP saying he's at home _most_ days - but not all).

Talking about stress, actually, looking after a child when one parent works is MUCH less stressful than when two parents work. So I don't see what's so stressful about the current circumstances for the OP: when her partner starts working full time and she will have to do her full share of childcare and housework, then it will get a whole lot worse imho. And in fact, nowhere does the OP mention stress: it's you who decided for her that she must be stressed.

But I think people post on here to get a range of differing views, or for people to read between the lines and spot things they can't see for themselves. Or perhaps they do just post to get reinforced stereotypes.

I guess if everyone around her tells the OP that she should get over herself and have more sex with her husband even if she doesn't feel like it, she will assume that is correct. And no-one with a different viewpoint will dare to post, because they will be ridiculed or told they have a problem with men, or are suffering from rejection or suchlike. Or possibly even a lesbian.

I asked my OH about this and he said he would never expect a woman to have sex if she didn't feel like it, unless it went on for a very prolonged period. He says its not part of some pre-arranged deal. He said that men always expecting to get as much sex as they wanted all the time was unrealistic and lacking in self control. He also compared such a notion to the one that women were supposed to cook dinner every night. I think we both find it rather an outdated viewpoint.

My OH is not Irish.

I'm not sure I actually believe all that rhetoric about stay at home dads either. Such relationships have a higher risk of ending, and most comments from women in such relationships seem to suggest that they still end up doing a lot of the childcare related duties as well as working full time. Perhaps the OP is the lucky exception.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1303563/House-husbands-times-likely-cheat-wives.html

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Finally, you say you find men who pressurise you for sex a turn-off. Well, I, like many men on here, find wives who constantly refuse sex and never take initiative a turn-off. A major turn-off. And the problem is that OP doesn't want to be found a turn-off, that's why she is worried about this.

If your latter paragraph does indeed represent the OP truthfully, then perhaps the solution is indeed for her to get some drugs to solve her problem? I guess what I'm saying is that I would expect a man in such a situation to act with a bit of class and intelligence and I wouldn't have any truck with one that didn't.

Personally I think the solution is for the OP's husband to give her a bit of space for a bit combined with non-sexual touching, and maybe do some things to make her feel special. I think he also needs to realise she needs time to wind down and that doesn't necessarily mean having sex. Maybe he could arrange a short break for her or a nice day out? Then she might find her libido picks up.

AbdulAzeez · 19-03-2011 12:43am

Some women nowadays don't realise how good they have it and are too far up their own arse that they need a wake up call.
Some women feel its their God given right to be selfish, opinionated and heartless.
The concept of compromise in a relationship is alien to them and some believe it's a sign of weakness.
OP, maybe you are not like this but if you feel you cant be the person your husband married, call it a day and move on.

FortyPlusHubby · 19-03-2011 10:32am

Not Tonight Dear wrote: »

I do find that I will say no to him the first day he instigates it and then generally have sex the next day. He is understanding when I do turn him away and isn't confrontational but I always feel a little bit guilty. He says it really bothers him that I never initiate sex or ever seem interested in talking about sex and feels that I only really have sex to keep him quiet.

Hi Op,

I have a great deal of sympathy with your husband's position, as I've spent most of the last 10-20 years in a similar position to him. It is incredibly soul-destroying for a man to be regularly rejected by his wife in this way, and I'm fairly sure that most men would find the idea of their wives only having sex to appease them as most deflating and unsatisfying. This is especially true where the husband has been (in your own words) an excellent, caring, and supportive husband despite his own loss of employment. You certainly should not feel under pressure to have sex with your husband on any individual occasion, but you really should attach some importance to your sex life being satisfying for you both.

Sex for a man is as important as hair to a woman (sorry if that's a bad analogy). If a woman loses her hair through allopecia she would seek treatment, even though it's clearly not a threat to her general health. It is a threat to her mental health however, and needs to be addressed. For a man hair loss is inevitable (if it's in the genes) but loss of sex is not. I'm fairly sure your husband is suffering a lot of anxiety as a result of your loss of interest in sex. He is very likely blaming himself for it.

Some posters here have suggested going to your GP, and maybe that's worth pursuing. I think more than anything else though you owe it to your husband to talk it through with him, to reassure him that your loss of libido is not his fault (he will have trouble believing that) and to agree a course of action that might improve your sexual lives together. I think the advice Zen365 offered earlier around intimacy was very good and something to consider for you both.

Best of luck,

40pH

Ickle Magoo · 19-03-2011 3:45pm

AbdulAzeez banned - sexist generalities, trolling and flaming are not permitted on this forum.

tinkerbell · 19-03-2011 6:12pm

Jees OP, I can't understand why you can't set aside some time for your husband when he has done all the housework before you get home. People who work full time five days a week and have to do housework, cook dinners, exercise, etc can still try to find time to spend with their partners.

I think you need to take a step back and evaluate how important your husband's happiness is to you. Because right now, you don't seem to value that. He's got a full time job at the moment too, you know - he's keeping the house in order, looking after the baby, etc. And if he can make an effort, so can you.

Oh and coming home every night after work only for you to plonk yourself in front of the tv or read a magazine is making your libido even lower probably. Maybe if you exercised a bit, you might feel more energised and then you might not be so tired in the evenings after work.

Husband constantly wants sex

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