How do I cope with losing my looks?

cantdecide · 14-03-2011 10:52PM

Just to emulate what other posters have said, there is definitely two sides to this coin.

It would appear that your good looks have become a much too significant part of how you identify yourself. The other side is that you are allowed to grieve for your "lost looks". You have to understand that it is a process. You are probably thinking you are turning into a burnt out husk of your former self but I think the reality is good genes are good genes. They do shine through even as you get older. Watch your weight (within reason), take care of the essentials like hair, teeth etc. Personally, I've noticed that good posture is important.

It's true a lot of men will not be interested in you because you've hit the big four O but that's their problem, not yours. I bet you're just as beautiful as you've always been. Develop yourself. Leave the creeps have their dolly birds. They will see how fulfilling it is.

Make this a period of rebirth rather than despair. Surround yourself with wholesome people who have your happiness at heart. Try to make them happy too. You need to promote love and happiness in your life and the lives of those around you. That is what really matters. Looks don't count for much in the grand scheme of things.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2011 11:06PM

Have a look at some celebrities over 40: Michelle Pfeiffer, Demi Moore, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Kirsten Scott Thomas, Julia Roberts.
Ok they've probably have a bit of help along the way, but they look amazing, FAR better than they did in their 20's. Sexy, attractive, comfortable in their own skin.
Angelina Jolie will also age beautifully- it's in her attitude!

LegacyUser · 15-03-2011 08:54AM

I'm a size zero, I eat lots of fruit and salads, I only drink smartwater, I wear sunscreen like crazy but I still think that I'm losing my looks big time, I can honestly admit that I look good for being almost 40 but I miss when I was 20, and I just get scared because I'll be 40 this year... but soon I'll be 50, 60, sometimes I just can't even fathom being so old lol and thanks for the mirror tip, when I look in the mirror, I dim the lights, lol, I think I'm gettin at least botox or restylane, I just don't wanna look old, sometimes I do get like panic attacks when I see my wrinkles, god help me please! :S

Forever Hopeful · 15-03-2011 12:40PM

I'm sorry but please get some perspective. From reading these posts, you'd swear folks had one foot in the grave. You are young... you have your health and stop focusing on getting older and enjoy your youth. I am 38 and I feel like I'm still 26. Yes I look older but do you know what, I would hate to be 20 again. I'm single, I never married, I don't have kids, I have a good job, great family and fantastic friends. I'm not unemployed, I (thankfully) am healthy and I can afford to buy and do nice things. I haven't lost family, home or my life in a tsunami or an earthquake.
Op you say you're a size zero, eat well and still look good. I am a size 12, I make an effort to look smart but it doesn't bother me if I'm starting to look older as I am happy. I know plenty of really attractive women with zero personalities and they repel men yet some of the most gorgeous and popular women are those who are unassuming, elegant and have kind personalities. They don't compete, they don't obsess, they are relaxing to be around. I aspire to be like those ladies everyday... You need to start being grateful for what you have!

Emme · 15-03-2011 01:25PM

losinglooks wrote: »

Long time reader, first time poster. I'm a former beauty queen, and I'll turn 40 in October, I've been really depressed because I feel like I'm losing my looks BIG TIME and there's nothing I can do. I'm a widow (my husband passed away almost 10 years ago) and I have a daughter, she's 17, and I hate to say this, but I'm so jealous of her. Men don't look at me anymore and they look at her instead. I'd been dating this guy for almost two years until I saw him checking out my daughter and touching himself, that's when I just stopped seeing him.

I would be more worried aboug the guy checking out your 17 year old daughter and touching yourself than you supposedly losing your looks. Well done for getting rid of him. At the end of the day protecting your child is more important than what looks back at you from the mirror every day.

ncmc · 15-03-2011 02:18PM

I love that post about standing back from the mirror, it’s so true! I am terrible for examining myself up close in the mirror and seeing every flaw and wrinkle, but how many people I meet that day are going to be standing that close to me?

OP, I don’t really have anything more to add than what has been said already. I have nothing against wanting to look your best and have no problem with using botox, restylane etc to achieve that, but I think in your case, they will not help, no surgery will. I think judging by your posts, you will always be finding fault with yourself and I think you need to talk to a councillor about the reasons for this rather than try and paper over the cracks (literally!) with botox etc.

Also, you mention that you are a size zero, often as we get older and stay very, very slim, it can start to show in our faces and can make us look more gaunt. Maybe a little extra weight on you would actually help keep you looking more youthful. There’s nothing wrong with staying slim, just make sure you are a healthy weight for your height.

cantdecide · 15-03-2011 02:53PM

ncmc wrote: »

...you mention that you are a size zero, often as we get older and stay very, very slim, it can start to show in our faces and can make us look more gaunt. Maybe a little extra weight on you would actually help keep you looking more youthful...

Good point.

Stu · 15-03-2011 04:44PM

I think that a little bit of vanity is a good thing. I am vain and i don't mind admitting it. I eat well and exercise everyday because i want to stay youthful looking, i want to have good skin and i want to be fit and healthy and i will not age gracefully. I'm 33 by the way but have been told i look mid 20's.

When i'm 50 i will probably look only 40 and will have the physical health of a fit late thirties early 40's. Do i worry about looking older, yes i do, but the benefits of trying to stay looking as young as possible outweigh the worry i feel about getting older so i will always look after my skin, teeth, fitness and anything else that needs looking after as i get older.

I know plenty of people who look older than their age (abusing their bodies) and i think that is very sad that people let themselves go like that. If they were vain they wouldn't let that happen and would be healthier and happier as a result. Getting old is not a nice proposition but if ageing bothers you then do whatever you can to slow it down OP and don't take any notice of people telling you that beauty comes from the inside. If your miserable because your looks are fading then your inner beauty won't shine through anyway. The more confident you are in your appearance the better person you'll be on the inside, simple as.

cantdecide · 15-03-2011 05:02PM

Stu wrote: »

...The more confident you are in your appearance the better person you'll be on the inside...

I don't agree with this at all. Vanity doesn't lead to fulfillment. You are assuming that you're going to age gracefully. You may not. This could lead you to exactly where the OP is now.

wylo · 15-03-2011 05:13PM

you need to start befriending people slightly older than you, it will make you feel younger.
As for the treatment of your daughter, you need to see a doctor.

Stu · 15-03-2011 05:15PM

If you are happy with how you look, you should feel more confident, no? Depressed people don't radiate inner beauty and no matter how you look at it, people are initially judged on how they look. We all do it, even subconciously.

If you are unhappy with how you look then do something about it. The OP probably has deeper issues in fairness judging by her posts but looks are important in how you feel about yourself, i.e looking your best, feeling your best and looking after your health.

How many fat people are genuinly happy. How many people who get little or no attention from the opposite sex will believe that its all about inner beauty. Its a combination of looks, attitude and inner beauty that makes a person who they are and you can be good looking at any age if you work at it.

Stu · 15-03-2011 05:16PM

.

Forever Hopeful · 15-03-2011 05:46PM

Stu wrote: »

How many fat people are genuinly happy. How many people who get little or no attention from the opposite sex will believe that its all about inner beauty. Its a combination of looks, attitude and inner beauty that makes a person who they are and you can be good looking at any age if you work at it.

Have you ever heard the phrase, beauty is in the eye of the beholder? To be honest, I think someone who is healthy and happy in themselves has a far better quality of life than someone who is obsessed with their appearance to the point that it gets them down. Confidence has a lot to do with it.

ongarboy · 15-03-2011 06:37PM

Stu wrote: »

If you are happy with how you look, you should feel more confident, no? Depressed people don't radiate inner beauty and no matter how you look at it, people are initially judged on how they look. We all do it, even subconciously.

If you are unhappy with how you look then do something about it. The OP probably has deeper issues in fairness judging by her posts but looks are important in how you feel about yourself, i.e looking your best, feeling your best and looking after your health.

How many fat people are genuinly happy. How many people who get little or no attention from the opposite sex will believe that its all about inner beauty. Its a combination of looks, attitude and inner beauty that makes a person who they are and you can be good looking at any age if you work at it.

But look at OP, she is a good looking 40 year old (don't know what she looks like but from what she alludes to, I assume she is quite beautiful) yet she is downright miserable about her perceived fading looks even though she IS a good looking woman. OK, she goes for a round of botox, liposuction and collagen and it makes her "happy"..for a couple of years. Should she then spend 1000s more each few years to postpone certain eventualities?

Why not suggest asking her to change her attitude to focusing on other things that can make her happy rather than encouraging her to think that the only way she can be happy is if she is physically beautiful like a 20 year old next top model candidate and remains size zero? I'm not discouraging her from leading a healthy physical lifestyle (eating healthily, working out, keeping active and within a safe BMI) which are all recommended things to do but there are other things that can make you happy that do not cost 1000s and are not superficial. Cosmetic beauty is literally skin deep!

Little Acorn · 15-03-2011 08:11PM

beks101 wrote: »

I'd really fear for your daughter to be honest OP.

I appreciate you are struggling to cope with the (perceived) diminishing attention, but as Ongarboy said, you obviously base your entire sense of self-worth on your looks and through your actions and behaviours, impressing this same message upon your daughter - who's in for the same rude wake-up call down the line if you're not careful.

She's clearly a beautiful girl, be proud of that, celebrate it and encourage her to make the most of it, but as I'm sure you're aware, the world can be a tough enough place for an attractive woman with judgemental people, begrudging females and males who want just one thing, don't bring those difficulties into her own home. You're her mother, your duty is to protect her and provide the best for her - not to 'outwin' her in the looks department or compete against her for attention. You may be struggling and I'd advise you to follow the solid advice that other posters have suggested, but I honestly don't have any sympathy for you in how you're treating your daughter, I think it's appalling and there's no excuse for it.

+1 to this post.

I am glad you have apologized to your daughter, because grounding her and not letting her out of the house just because you are jealous of her youth was seriously fcked up.
Also when you dumped the ex for looking at your daughter, was it because you thought, "dirty creep, perving on my beautiful child", or was it "he fancies her more than me, how dare he!"
I only ask because directly before typing that you wrote "I'm so jealous of her, men don't look at me anymore, they look at her instead", then you went on to tell that story.
I seriously hope you did not express anger or blame to her over this incident, because it was not her fault, so I hope she hasn't been made to feel that it was.

I don't think there is anything wrong about taking pride in your appearance, and I can't think of many people who completely don't care about the aging process. I'm only in my early 20's and occasionally even I have a worry about the future and growing older, which is quite sad really but hey it happens.
I only have to look at the many beautiful beautiful women of all ages that I meet though, to realise that there is no need for worry, as people can be beautiful at any age, sometimes even improving with age!:)

[I am also not against cosmetic treatments, sometimes they can look ridiculous, but can also look really good too. I think they could be ok, if people didn't take them too far, and if they are got for the right reasons.
By right reasons, I mean a boost to confidence, or because someone just has a preference for some things, like really white teeth.
The wrong reasons would be if someone thinks that a certain procedure, will suddenly make everything else in their life fall into place, or if they don't believe that they could achieve what they want in life,or feel happiness without getting the surgery, -then that is a bad reason for it imo]

From reading your post though, it seems like it a bit of an obsession and not a very healthy attitude to have.
I don't think you simply equate good looks with having a beautiful appearance, you seem to equate good looks with having an interesting, and fun life. I say this because, you said "I just don't think it's fair for her to be enjoying life and her looks and everything when my life is practically over!!"
,

A few things I have to say about that statement:
Why wouldn't it be fair to enjoy her life? Do you feel resentment towards her because of all the effort you spent raising her as a single parent? Do you feel that she somehow owes you, and should just stick with you and not live her own life?
It is not just because of her looks that your daughter is probably going to have a good social life. It is because she is 17, and even if she wasn't particularly attractive, her life would be going that route anyways.

Why do you feel that your life is practically over? This is what I meant when I said you you seem to associate looks with a particular type of lifestyle.
As I said, there is nothing wrong with taking care of your looks, but don't think that looks are the only possible thing that will enable you to have a good life, or that life is crap if you're not beautiful.
There are many women your age and older, some of who are probably a lot less attractive than you, who live very happy lives.
Nobody has to be stunningly beautiful in order to find a partner, have great friendships, have a great career, travel, have hobbies, or have a jam packed social life. Many average looking people of all ages have all these things.
Basically looks aren't what determine how good your life can be.

However if you have lived your whole life thinking that good looks = happy life, or if that it was you were taught by your parents, then this could be extremely difficult for you to get out of this way of thinking.
That is why I agree with other posts who suggested speaking to a professional about all this.
If you don't want to do it for yourself, then do it for your daughter.
Think of how miserable you are right now. Do you want your daughter to grow up to feel this same intense unhappiness?
Because that is what could happen.
You can guarantee that whether you speak about this openly or not, your daughter will have already picked up on this idea that looks are one of the most important things in life.
You should try teaching her that whilst yes good looks are a nice thing to have, and can be enjoyed, that they are not the be all and end all.

So please do go speak to somebody OP, for your own happiness, and to prevent your daughter from ending up with the same insecure, jealous, and unhappy feelings that you are experiencing now.
Best of luck.

anewme · 15-03-2011 08:45PM

Am now over 40 and look better now than when I was 20.

It is ridiculous to think that people are on the scrap heap when they are over 40. Think Helen Mirren, that woman looks fantastic for her age, and it is not just about her looks. It is about how she carries herself, about how you know she is happy with herself and does not need reassurance from anyone else.

Today I might feel like putting on my glad rags and dressing up, but tomorrow I might scrape my hair back in a pony tail, no make up and go walking in a track suit. I dont care who looks (or not at me) either way.

People who rely on their looks only are up the Khyber without a paddle when looks fade.

LegacyUser · 15-03-2011 08:54PM

Little Acorn wrote: »

+1 to this post.

I am glad you have apologized to your daughter, because grounding her and not letting her out of the house just because you are jealous of her youth was seriously fcked up.
Also when you dumped the ex for looking at your daughter, was it because you thought, "dirty creep, perving on my beautiful child", or was it "he fancies her more than me, how dare he!"
I only ask because directly before typing that you wrote "I'm so jealous of her, men don't look at me anymore, they look at her instead", then you went on to tell that story.
I seriously hope you did not express anger or blame to her over this incident, because it was not her fault, so I hope she hasn't been made to feel that it was.

I don't think there is anything wrong about taking pride in your appearance, and I can't think of many people who completely don't care about the aging process. I'm only in my early 20's and occasionally even I have a worry about the future and growing older, which is quite sad really but hey it happens.
I only have to look at the many beautiful beautiful women of all ages that I meet though, to realise that there is no need for worry, as people can be beautiful at any age, sometimes even improving with age!:)

[I am also not against cosmetic treatments, sometimes they can look ridiculous, but can also look really good too. I think they could be ok, if people didn't take them too far, and if they are got for the right reasons.
By right reasons, I mean a boost to confidence, or because someone just has a preference for some things, like really white teeth.
The wrong reasons would be if someone thinks that a certain procedure, will suddenly make everything else in their life fall into place, or if they don't believe that they could achieve what they want in life,or feel happiness without getting the surgery, -then that is a bad reason for it imo]

From reading your post though, it seems like it a bit of an obsession and not a very healthy attitude to have.
I don't think you simply equate good looks with having a beautiful appearance, you seem to equate good looks with having an interesting, and fun life. I say this because, you said "I just don't think it's fair for her to be enjoying life and her looks and everything when my life is practically over!!"
,

A few things I have to say about that statement:
Why wouldn't it be fair to enjoy her life? Do you feel resentment towards her because of all the effort you spent raising her as a single parent? Do you feel that she somehow owes you, and should just stick with you and not live her own life?
It is not just because of her looks that your daughter is probably going to have a good social life. It is because she is 17, and even if she wasn't particularly attractive, her life would be going that route anyways.

Why do you feel that your life is practically over? This is what I meant when I said you you seem to associate looks with a particular type of lifestyle.
As I said, there is nothing wrong with taking care of your looks, but don't think that looks are the only possible thing that will enable you to have a good life, or that life is crap if you're not beautiful.
There are many women your age and older, some of who are probably a lot less attractive than you, who live very happy lives.
Nobody has to be stunningly beautiful in order to find a partner, have great friendships, have a great career, travel, have hobbies, or have a jam packed social life. Many average looking people of all ages have all these things.
Basically looks aren't what determine how good your life can be.

However if you have lived your whole life thinking that good looks = happy life, or if that it was you were taught by your parents, then this could be extremely difficult for you to get out of this way of thinking.
That is why I agree with other posts who suggested speaking to a professional about all this.
If you don't want to do it for yourself, then do it for your daughter.
Think of how miserable you are right now. Do you want your daughter to grow up to feel this same intense unhappiness?
Because that is what could happen.
You can guarantee that whether you speak about this openly or not, your daughter will have already picked up on this idea that looks are one of the most important things in life.
You should try teaching her that whilst yes good looks are a nice thing to have, and can be enjoyed, that they are not the be all and end all.

So please do go speak to somebody OP, for your own happiness, and to prevent your daughter from ending up with the same insecure, jealous, and unhappy feelings that you are experiencing now.
Best of luck.

This is fantastic advice, If you were beautiful at thirty how can things have changed so much look at the seoiges they must be in their mid/late thirties, Sharon NiBheolain and Suin Nicgearilt all beautiful women in their 30's/40's are you comparing yourself you younger women? Why not look at women your own age. I think a size zero is too thin for a 40 year old that could be ageing you for.

Firetrap · 15-03-2011 09:42PM

The thing that has struck me from everything you've written is that your looks and the kick you get from other people noticing your beauty is very very high on your list. If someone was to ask most people to talk about themselves, they'd go on about their families, their hobbies, things they've done in their lives, places they've been to, their careers. That sort of thing. I'm not sure that many people would point out almost straight away that they were stunningly beautiful. While you might think that being size zero and being well toned is a big big thing in your life, it should not be the be all and end all. So what? It just means you're thin.

What sort of face you get is the luck of the draw and has everything to do with genetics. Sure, you can make your own face to a certain extent by looking after yourself, being nice to your skin, taking care of your appearance etc. You are just lucky that when you were conceived, the ingredients led to a nice looking woman and not someone with a face like the back of a bus.

You need to accept that you're getting older and embrace it. I'm not that far behind you but it generally doesn't bother me. I love my face - I don't care if it doesn't look as pretty as it did when I was 20 but so what? It's mine and I've been looking at it in the mirror for the last 37 years.

Stu · 15-03-2011 09:46PM

I don't necessarily believe that looks fade with age, at least not until we get old and by old, i mean 60's. If you look after your health and keep physically fit, and i don't mean a 30 minute walk 3 times a week, i mean gruelling 90 minute gym sessions 3 or 4 times a week, regular long walks, playing a sport etc.

I do believe that most people are past their best, especially women (i know i'll get eaten alive for saying that) by the times they get into their 30's because most people don't eat properly or do strenuos physical activity 3 or 4 times a week and women are more guilty of this than men in my opinion. People are lazy about looking after themselves and thats when looks fade in my opinion.

But the OP has much much deeper issues to address. If she is naturally goodlooking then men will always check her out regardless or her age. The fact she isn't getting any attention is either because she looks miserable, is not very healthy or is not as good looking as she thought she was. My hunch is that the OP is miserable and thats how she comes across to men and is probably still very attractive and probably still a head turner but can't accept the fact that she is aging, wrinkles are appearing (wrinkles can be sexy on a fit women or man) and she can't handle it.

That is a bit sad but we live in a superficial society and people naturally worry about their looks but it shouldn't be to the point where its adversely affecting their life. OP, go a see a counsellor for you and your daughters sake. This issue is more to do with lack of overall confidence, its just manifesting itself in you worrying about getting older.

Catari Jaguar · 15-03-2011 11:55PM

You know your daughter probably feels like she's in your shadow, I'm sure she's well aware of your beauty queen days and have seen the photos etc. The emphasis you're putting on how beauty is all that matters is unhealthy and now you've made her feel like she should feel guilty for being pretty. 17 is a critical age and you're ****ing up her head with mixed messages. Get over yourself and get some help.

LegacyUser · 16-03-2011 02:49AM

I'm gettin the impression that some of you believe that I'm some kind of monster who only cares about looks, but this is not true at all. I ended the relationship with my ex-BF because of the incident with my daughter when I caught him touching himself. I didn't blame my daughter at all, as he was the one with the problem, I didn't blame myself for that incident either. I don't know if this is important but he's 29, and he's the first BF I had after I lost my husband. I didn't pursue him, he pursued me at first, and he was kind, a good person, etc. but I didn't overlook his character because of his looks or youth, I thought he was a good person UNTIL that incident and I've just erased him from my life after that.

I don't abuse my daughter because she's pretty, I just grounded her ONCE because I had been depressed and then I saw how beautiful she was and I felt jealous so I just told her, sorry, you're not going with your friends tonight and that was it, I was wrong, I'll admit that, but I don't ground her without reason every time, it was just that one time, and I talked about it with her and she understood. I'm never gonna do that again.

The thing is that I was (I know cliche) ugly as a child, I wasn't bullied per se, but other children told me I was ugly, and I looked like a witch, this was when I was like 9, but then, when I went through puberty, everyone's attitude changed, and I was told I was beautiful, of course, I didn't believe at first, after being told you're ugly, you don't really believe that all of a sudden you're beautiful. But I realized I was beautiful, and all throughout my twenties, people and friends and even strangers, told me every SINGLE day, I was pretty, it was awesome, but this has stopped, yes, I get the occasional compliment but it's not when I was 20.

I don't know what's changed, I'm still a size zero because I work out a lot, I eat a lot, but I work out so I don't starve myself, I got veneers so my teeth are not yellow, or anything, and I take care of myself, The only thing that has changed is that I'm almost 40 now, and some of you have mentioned celebrities but they get attention because they're celebrities, not only because of their looks. It's not like I cry day and night about hits but it does get me down and I just wanna feel like I feel 10, 20, years ago, but I just feel so old, I don't feel ugly, but old.

LegacyUser · 16-03-2011 02:55AM

OP, you're going to get nothing but sanctimonious claptrap on here. A load of worthy handwringers telling you there is more to life than looks. Total rubbish as any realistic person knows.

Like you said, yous should just get the money together and sort whatever bothers you most. Don't listen to all the naysayers who seem to believe a well developed personality and interest in your looks are mutually exclusive. They are not. There is a sort of worthy tyranny on here that seems to believe that any pride/interest in your looks means you are a tabloid reading moron, well, please just ignore that.

Yeah, so some people get their kicks being a middle aged woman...I myself would be mortified. . No-one on the planet wants to be any type of middle aged woman.

Middle aged women are invisible, no one gives them a second thought.

LegacyUser · 16-03-2011 12:02PM

losinglooks wrote: »

I don't know what's changed, I'm still a size zero because I work out a lot, I eat a lot, but I work out so I don't starve myself, I got veneers so my teeth are not yellow, or anything, and I take care of myself, The only thing that has changed is that I'm almost 40 now, and some of you have mentioned celebrities but they get attention because they're celebrities, not only because of their looks. It's not like I cry day and night about hits but it does get me down and I just wanna feel like I feel 10, 20, years ago, but I just feel so old, I don't feel ugly, but old.

...which is perfectly reasonable. In fact, grieving is a reasonable response to loss.

Alot of people on here would have you believe that you're not going through a loss because what you're loosing (looks) never mattered in the first place. Don't mind them. It's ok to feel sad - you are loosing something - at around this age we all are, and we will all deal with it differently.
But look at it differently. Are you loosing your looks? - well no, because I'm sure you're a goodlooking 40 year old. What you're loosing is youth. But it's not just youth - it's attention, and also a huge sense of possibility. Your looks/youth have helped you with both those things so far in life. You probably have further to fall than other people in this way. But that's not your fault. We are all entitled to use and enjoy all the gifts we have.

Imagine if you were posting here as a musician who is slowly going deaf. You would get posts supporting you in making a life-adjustment - which is what you actually need.

There's no easy answer to this. We are all facing aging. There is a very good book called 'No matter what' by Lisa Nicholls. Alot of it is about bereavement, but essentially it's about adapting to any situation in life that we can't change and have to live with.

ManOfMystery · 16-03-2011 12:10PM

beselfish wrote: »

OP, you're going to get nothing but sanctimonious claptrap on here. A load of worthy handwringers telling you there is more to life than looks. Total rubbish as any realistic person knows.

Like you said, yous should just get the money together and sort whatever bothers you most. Don't listen to all the naysayers who seem to believe a well developed personality and interest in your looks are mutually exclusive. They are not. There is a sort of worthy tyranny on here that seems to believe that any pride/interest in your looks means you are a tabloid reading moron, well, please just ignore that.

Yeah, so some people get their kicks being a middle aged woman...I myself would be mortified. . No-one on the planet wants to be any type of middle aged woman.

Middle aged women are invisible, no one gives them a second thought.

Biggest load of rubbish I've read on here in a long time. OP, you would do well to ignore this post and listen to the other posters in this thread who know what they're talking about. No-one is saying beauty doesn't matter - just that as it's something that will never last, it shouldn't be #1 on your list of priorities or worries.

Stu · 16-03-2011 02:12PM

OP, the fact that your last boyfriend was in his 20's should tell you all you need to know about how good you still look. You are still looking after your health and staying in shape and fair play to you.

Anybody who tells you to cop on and age gracefully is probably at best, very plain looking and doesn't know what its like to get loads of attention from the opposite sex so probably genuinely can't understand why you are so upset about ageing.

But the fact is, you believe you are losing something that helped define you as a person and that is never easy to deal with. Remember that as long as you look after your health you will still be better looking than most women your age and hold your own against a lot of younger women as well. If you can be a positive person in general and focus on your good attributes, you'll be fighting men off for many years to come.

Naos · 16-03-2011 02:21PM

I'm not a regular poster here so I'm not sure if posting a quote from a film is permitted, but I think it deals with this in a great way:

The Guardian wrote:

Hell, I've always been old Ben. Ya' know what though, I don't mind. I mean if my muscles ache, it's because I've used 'em. It's hard for me to walk up them steps now, its 'cuz I walked up 'em every night to lay next to a man who loved me. I got a few wrinkles here and there, but I've layed under thousands of skies with sunny days. I look and feel this way, well cuz I drank and I smoked. I lived and I loved, danced, sang, sweat and screwed my way thorough a pretty damn good life if you ask me. Getting old ain't bad Ben. Getting old, that's earned.

Firetrap · 16-03-2011 02:45PM

I don't think anybody is saying you're a monster. Hardly anyone will jump up and down with joy at the prospect of getting older but it comes to us all unfortunately. It's also a cruel fact of life that women tend not to age as well as men and once they get to a certain age, they're more invisible to the opposite sex.

You need to accept that your getting older is something you have no control over. Sure, we'd all love to be 20 again but it's not going to happen and hankering after it isn't going to do any good. Getting plastic surgery done is just like putting a sticking plaster on a gaping wound. It will hold things together for a while but isn't going to solve the problem.

LegacyUser · 16-03-2011 03:08PM

I find this thread so fascinating. As someone has posted that people who weren't good looking wouldn't understand what its like to fear losing the attention that really beautiful people get is ridiculous. This is all about self esteem and being a well balanced individual. God forbid you could end up being in a car crash and being disfigured all your life. There's a shallowness to all of this that is hard to stomach.

It reminds me a little of Zoolander. Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?
I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.

cantdecide · 16-03-2011 03:34PM

OP. You've always gotten a lot of attention from other men. Why have you spent so much of your thirties paddling your own canoe? How hard on you having to dump your ex? Were you planning a long future with him before the incident? In other words, was this a devastating blow?

My point is this might be just a crisis maybe because of loneliness, the sudden onset of maybe crows feet, grey hair or maybe the thing with your ex or the realisation about your daughter becoming a woman etc. If it is a crisis of sorts, you need to cool your jets and do nothing drastic until after you meet your counsellor.

prinz · 16-03-2011 04:22PM

Stu wrote: »

Anybody who tells you to cop on and age gracefully is probably at best, very plain looking and doesn't know what its like to get loads of attention from the opposite sex so probably genuinely can't understand why you are so upset about ageing..

You obviously have no understanding of what growing old gracefully entails. Nobody has advised the OP to turn into an unhealthy slob who doesn't care about her appearance any more. From the sounds of it her physical state sounds fine, her mental state definitely doesn't. Wanting to look as good as you can for as long as you can is one thing. Wanting to turn back and clock and getting upset/depressed about what every single person in the world goes through is another thing entirely.

How do I cope with losing my looks?

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