How do I cope with losing my looks?

LegacyUser

Long time reader, first time poster. I'm a former beauty queen, and I'll turn 40 in October, I've been really depressed because I feel like I'm losing my looks BIG TIME and there's nothing I can do. I'm a widow (my husband passed away almost 10 years ago) and I have a daughter, she's 17, and I hate to say this, but I'm so jealous of her. Men don't look at me anymore and they look at her instead. I'd been dating this guy for almost two years until I saw him checking out my daughter and touching himself, that's when I just stopped seeing him. How can I cope with this? Losing my looks have been so painful, I have some money saved and I want to get a facelift, nothing too drastic, but I want to look younger. One of my best friends (a former beauty queen too) is an alcoholic and she's destroyed her life because she couldn't cope with losing her looks, but I don't wanna go down that road. Any suggestions? Should I get more done than a facelift? What can I do to avoid being invisible to everyone?

Neyite

Aging is a natural process. For the record, I'm only 4 years younger than you, so I'm not some young wan without a wrinkle telling you to cop on.

I am starting to get crows feet, and yeah, I do see teen girls and marvel at their perfect skin and wistfully recall mine when I was that age, but the difference between you and me is that I feel physical looks are secondary to the beauty inside - while people may notice a beautiful woman, if there is no substance to her, no internal attractiveness, holding their attention will not last long. Me, without tooting my trumpet, I know I am slightly better than average looking, and with the right effort, I can look attractive on a night out, but its not my looks that have kept my guy by my side, its the person inside that he fell in love with, and the same goes vice versa. To him, I will always be beautiful, he does not notice the crows feet, or the other signs of ageing.

I feel that you need to be noticed for your beauty for you to be happy. Thats really sad. You have based your entire importance and self belief on something that will only last perhaps a half or even a third of your life, and I believe that your choice of boyfriend reflected that - btw, he was a creep - any 40 something guy who **** at the sight of his girlfriends young daughter is not worth it, you and she are well rid of him.

I would suggest that you explore counselling. Even if you go get the facelift you want, in 10 years you will need another, and then another, plus other stuff will need tucking. You are fighting a losing battle, and you will end up like the Bride of Wildestien - a pathetic comedy of plastic surgery, or end up like your friend, unable to cope with it. You need to move on from this shallow existence. Get counselling.

tenchi-fan

Without being negative, it's when you realise what you had was good, it will be long gone.

You're almost 40, but could live to be over 80. At the moment you're not elderly, you don't have age-related problems and you're not wheelchair bound.

No amount of surgery will make people mistake you for a 17-year old, or even a 30 year-old. Try to fill your life with more interesting people, hobbies and interests that you're not obsessing over how you look.

The money you've saved could pay for nice weekend breaks abroad for the next few years. Why would you blow it on a facelift that will only last a year before cracks start appearing and you're unhappy again?

cafecolour

Unfortunately your identity seems to be entirely based on your looks.

You need to stop thinking of yourself as a 'beauty queen' and come up with a new identity for yourself. Hostess? Healer? Artist? Businesswoman? Etc. Think of the 40-something women you admired when you were younger (or the 50+ women you admire now), and why you admired them.

Distorted

Nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, but I guess as you get older, you have to work at it more. I certainly don't aspire to the over-stretched or puffed up surgical look, but being strict about not putting on weight, eating healthily, skin care, having healthy hair, dressing well and exercise will take you a long way. I know a successful masters athlete of 53 who still looks incredibly attractive. She has wrinkles but is slim, fit and active, and has many admirers amongst the students you teach. Ageing is unavoidable but you can do things to help yourself age better than others.

That guy sounds an utter, out and out creep btw. Well rid.

Oryx

You need to shift your focus on whats important in life to something other than looks. Sounds easy but I know in practice its not.

It may take time to learn but you need to reinforce to yourself that you are not defined by how you look but by who you are. Your time in life when sexual attractiveness was the main thing you had, has now passed and you have to let it go gracefully. Trying to hold onto a youth that is gone, is obvious and quite sad. Thats not to say life is over, but you will never be 20 again, you need to learn to live with, and love, the more mature you, and to face with courage the next stage of life.

You wont be remembered for how you looked. Youll be remembered after your day for the kindnesses you showed, for the incredible things you achieved, for your bond to your family. That is what is important and that is what you need to focus on. And youre not ancient yet! There are a thousand things you can do, or learn, or be.

Plastic surgery is only denying a process which will have its way eventually. Fixing your face wont fix the insecurity behind it. Youll fix things for now, and in a few years be looking at yourself again and needing to rejuvenate.

BTW. I just turned 40. So Im posting from the pov of having had to consider this exact problem.

Firetrap

It's sad that you've defined yourself by your looks. I'm sure there is much much more to you than that but it's just a matter of seeing it. It might not be a bad idea to go talk to a counsellor about this. I've a friend who went to one about something else and while they hadn't thought they'd achieved much in life, by the time the counsellor had finished the session they felt a million dollars. All the things they'd taken for granted looked pretty impressive when written down on a piece of paper.

I'd advise against getting the plastic surgery. It might make you look temporarily younger but you're never going to look like a twentysomething again. It's not permanent either so really you're just putting matters off until you have so much plastic surgery you end up looking like Cher :eek:

Distorted

Oryx wrote: »

You need to shift your focus on whats important in life to something other than looks. Sounds easy but I know in practice its not.

It may take time to learn but you need to reinforce to yourself that you are not defined by how you look but by who you are. Your time in life when sexual attractiveness was the main thing you had, has now passed and you have to let it go gracefully. Trying to hold onto a youth that is gone, is obvious and quite sad. Thats not to say life is over, but you will never be 20 again, you need to learn to live with, and love, the more mature you, and to face with courage the next stage of life.

Christ, she's only 40! When my mother was widowed at 52, she had 3 different men begging to marry her, probably because she was still an attractive, interesting person who hadn't given up on life.

I don't think you can judge whether the OP's defining lifeblood is her looks or whether she needs counselling about that from ONE post like this. Obviously she is going to mention it, because thats what THIS POST is about.

Personally, I don't see whats wrong with aiming to look good for your age!

purity

I don't want to sound like a b%%%%h but for god sake listen to yourself! hundreds of people are involved in car crashes and end up with facial disfigurements, many more are burned and left with heartbreaking scars, Some are born with disfigurements empathize with them and you'll feel better.

It's nice to feel good about yourself I agree, but if your so down about how you look then get your facelift, but such drastic measures should take serious consideration.

LegacyUser

purity wrote: »

I don't want to sound like a b%%%%h but for god sake listen to yourself! hundreds of people are involved in car crashes and end up with facial disfigurements, many more are burned and left with heartbreaking scars, Some are born with disfigurements empathize with them and you'll feel better.

It's nice to feel good about yourself I agree, but if your so down about how you look then get your facelift, but such drastic measures should take serious consideration.

I empathise with you. I'm in my early twenties and I'm absolutely terrified of losing my looks. I do not define myself by my looks but no woman wants to lose them, It is sad to hear you are jealous of your daighter try not to be you had your time and unfortunately it passes try to focus on everything you love about yourself and what you have to offer. If your ex was with you for two years then he sounds like a creep preying on a child. He's no loss.

LegacyUser

It's not that easy to don't care about looks anymore, because my life was based on them (being a beauty queen), when I was young I remember being told I was good looking almost everyday by men, now no one tells me I'm good looking. I've been really depressed because I still feel young and attractive but it seems that others don't agree, it doesn't help me that my daughter is beautiful, I hate to admit it, but I'm so jealous of her, the other day she was going out with some of her friends and she looked stunning so I didn't let her go,and told her she was grounded, I just don't think it's fair for her to be enjoying life and her looks and everything when my life is practically over!!

Zen65

tenchi-fan wrote: »

No amount of surgery will make people mistake you for a 17-year old, or even a 30 year-old. Try to fill your life with more interesting people, hobbies and interests that you're not obsessing over how you look.

+1 to that.

Op, there is nothing so unattractive as a woman who clings desperately to trying to look like she's 25 when she's actually 40. Conversely many people (myself included) think that a woman looks more attractive at 40 than at 20 if she can dress stylishly and appear confident. A confident, experienced woman is very attractive. As for being jealous of your 17-year old daughter, that's really perverse. You do not want to be noticed by the kind of people who would find a 17-year old to be attractive. Your ex who found her to be attractive just sounds creepy and sad...... no self-respecting woman should want the attention from such a guy.

You need to change your style role model for a more relevant one. There's no point in admiring young pageant queens, when your ideal role model should be somebody more suited to your position in life. Stop thinking "Cher Lloyd" (17) and instead think "Uma Thurman" (40), "Michelle Pfeiffer" (50), or "Sharon Ní Bheoláin" (40).

Cosmetic surgery is not the way to go. A good diet, exercise, clean living and sleep will do more for you than any surgeon. Wear clothing that is appropriate to your age (40 is young, but it's not 20) and stylish.

Most importantly, do not compete with your daughter. If you damage that relationship then you will lose more than your youth, and no surgeon will be able to fix it.

Be at peace,

Z

Shekira

losinglooks wrote: »

It's not that easy to don't care about looks anymore, because my life was based on them (being a beauty queen), when I was young I remember being told I was good looking almost everyday by men, now no one tells me I'm good looking. I've been really depressed because I still feel young and attractive but it seems that others don't agree, it doesn't help me that my daughter is beautiful, I hate to admit it, but I'm so jealous of her, the other day she was going out with some of her friends and she looked stunning so I didn't let her go,and told her she was grounded, I just don't think it's fair for her to be enjoying life and her looks and everything when my life is practically over!!

I think your problem is less about what's happening on the outside and more of what happening on the inside. It's a sad state of affairs if you happiness depends on affirmation about your looks from people around you.

LegacyUser

I'm 41 OP and I never entertained getting older.

From the time I was 30 I got botox and fillers. i have always used a Doctor (never a nurse/hairdresser/beautician -they don't understand the anatomy of the face) and never over done the look. I dont allow them to inject the centre of my lips so I never have a 'duck' look or 'trout pout'

My Doctor understands the face muscles and has worked with me for over 10 years. I completelty trust her. I do not look 'worked on' Nobody knows I get these treatments.

I look very natural. I take care of my teeth. Professional whitening and cosmetic dentistry can work wonders.

Lots of people will say 'it's what's inside that counts' and all the other cliches. Yes that is true but there is no harm in preserving your beauty subtly. It's extremely hard to go from being a head turner to invisible. That is a natural feeling.

I think if you want the surgery you should research the surgeon. Get someone who understands that you want the outcome to be NATURAL.

Loads of people will trot out the cliches, but if you want the surgery, DO IT. It's nobodys business but your own. Lots of people dont seem to feel the sting of getting older and will try to talk you out of how you feel. That's rubbish.

Your feelings are valid and I will tell you from experience that nothing has ever made me as happy as using modern techniques to hold back time/repair ageing. It's an incredible relief when you look in the mirror and see YOU again, your REAL self. Not some stranger with lines..!!

I really recommend you do it. I have spent thousands on my looks and it is the best money I've ever spent.

Aishae

we all get to a point in life when we arent told were great at school projects or a great friend or a stunning looking woman anymore - because it gets to the stage where people expect we probably know it. i'll bet you're still beautiful. perhaps you're no longer surrounded by the kind of people who were constantly telling you how beuatiful you were. remember that confidence in yourself inside will show itself, it makes women all the more attractive.

you say you still feel attractive yourself. work with that, just keep reminding yourself that that is what is important. dress confidently as that will help you feel it. perhaps others will take note. or perhaps one of the reasons the compliments dried up is that apart from 'surely she knows she's lovely' they might think it isn't right to go up to an older lady and treat them as they would a 20 year old (we all know what thats like) - more of a respect thing perhaps?

as someone already said - don't feel jealous of your daughter - remember it's your good genes she has to be thanful for too! it's not fair to take out any insecurities on her. it could also ultimately adversely affect your relationship in the long run.

Denerick

Why are looks important to you OP? Do you judge others on their looks? Would you befriend someone, for example, based on their personal appearance? If the answer is yes then you have some serious problems and should consider seeing someone. If the answer is no, then you need to ask yourself why you consider this such an issue.

Frei

I'm sorry you feel the way you do, and for a lot of women it seems they only start to think about the damaging effects of obsessing on their "looks" only when they start to fade.

You feeling jealous of your daughter is a symptom of the fact that a lot of women see each other as competition for the attention of men and base their self esteem on who looks at them and validates them, by telling them how "pretty" they look. Do you think a father would feel the same way about his son? That would be very rare.

Try to let go and accept getting older. Don't let how you feel ruin your relationship with your daughter. You were once her age, and she will be your age sometime too. It is just the way it is. Let her enjoy herself.

Getting plastic surgery will not make you feel better. You need to deal with your issues psychologically, not physically. What will happen when your are 50,60,70?

ynul31f47k6b59

You don't know how lucky you are. I'm in my late 20's - I'm not particularly attractive, I would never have considered myself even average, let alone above average. You need to face the fact that you are growing older, and be appreciative that you are a mother to a beautiful young woman. Stop with the plastic surgery nonsense - you are already comparing yourself with a young girl, and no amount of surgery is going to reverse your age. Make the most of what you have, and start feeling secure in your own skin. If you were 'a beauty queen' then I'm sure the years have been good to you - I know lots of very, very attractive older women. And who are you trying to attract? Because if you compare yourself with men of your age, then I'm sure you'll realise that you have the advantage when it comes to stereotypical attractiveness. Stop whinging and grow old gracefully. Having had one life-saving operation, I would never willingly go through a surgery due to vanity. Cop on.

GoldRush4821

This is what happens when people grow up beautiful and get by on their "beauty queen" looks. Their beauty defines them and they live it up while this beauty lasts. But we all know it must come to an end. I'm sure it must've been great for people to have told you you were good looking every day, and you're lucky because plenty of people have never had anyone tell them such a thing. You need to face facts and come to terms with your age and most importantly of all, instead of taking your frustration out on your daughter as you mentioned you have done, pass on what you have learned to her like a good parent would do. Tell her that even though she is 17 and attractive now, time will pass and her looks will fade, so she should treat people well always and not coast by on her looks. Try to encourage her to build her self esteem around something other than an attractive body so that when she reaches 40, she too is not in the same predicament as you. Even if your jealousy is understandable, your primary concern should be to learn from your mistakes and ensure that your daughter doesn't make the same ones.

As for plastic surgery, do what you will. But know that aging is inevitable, and you will probably look 100 times better if you age naturally with grace.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your advice. I didn't think it would help but your kind words did help me, you've opened my eyes and I realize that others haven't been as fortunate as me and I should change my negative attitude. Also, @from a to z I think I will look into some non-invasive procedures as well to try to look my best, but not try too look like I'm in my 20s, the reason why I haven't had any surgery is because I have many acquaintances who, honestly, look horrifying after getting a face lift. I talked to my daughter and explained her how I was feeling and that i felt sorry that I grounded her for no apparent reason, she understood me and we hugged. Thank you, you've made me realize that the relationship with my daughter is truly what matters and I shouldn't be jealous of her.

It's nice to know that there are other women who feel like I do because I don't talk about this with my friends, not even my close friends, because I worry about what they might think. It's gonna be a sad process, but if I have a negative attitude, it will only be a sadder process.

LegacyUser

Aishae wrote: »

we all get to a point in life when we arent told were great at school projects or a great friend or a stunning looking woman anymore - because it gets to the stage where people expect we probably know it. i'll bet you're still beautiful. perhaps you're no longer surrounded by the kind of people who were constantly telling you how beuatiful you were. remember that confidence in yourself inside will show itself, it makes women all the more attractive.

you say you still feel attractive yourself. work with that, just keep reminding yourself that that is what is important. dress confidently as that will help you feel it. perhaps others will take note. or perhaps one of the reasons the compliments dried up is that apart from 'surely she knows she's lovely' they might think it isn't right to go up to an older lady and treat them as they would a 20 year old (we all know what thats like) - more of a respect thing perhaps?

as someone already said - don't feel jealous of your daughter - remember it's your good genes she has to be thanful for too! it's not fair to take out any insecurities on her. it could also ultimately adversely affect your relationship in the long run.

Some food for thought, I forgot to mention in my previous post I have a close friend who is 26 and absolutely stunning, People men and women just look at her all the time. She looks like a supermodel. She told me once she doesn't entertain those compliments nor does she take them seriously because in ten years they will start to fade. She focused on career, friends and enjoting life you should do the same. You should also be proud to have a beautiful daughter and let her enjoy it. You mentioned your ex do you think your obession with youth attracts the wrong sort of men? Good luck

username123

Outer beauty naturally fades, inner beauty just keeps on growing.

Its natural to look in the mirror and sadly notice the signs of aging, but your face is not (and should not be) what defines you as a person.

Of course a 17 year old girl is going to be beautiful compared to a woman of 40. But that 17 year old girl will be 40 too some day and will go through the same aging process as you have done.

I dont believe that people who get botox or fillers done look any better. They think they dont look worked on, but they do, its usually quite obvious when someone has had work done on their face. I have a friend who is convinced that she looks completely natural and that no one would guess she has had botox and fillers. The reality is that her face looks stretched and slightly unnatural, she does look well, but she doesnt look natural. No surgical or non surgical procedure can mimic the natural unlined look of youth - it just isnt possible, the skin has aged, the face changes with time.

Do your best to look good, well groomed, take care of your body, exercise and stay fit and be the best person you can be. You cant stop the aging process, but you can enjoy life to the full and stop worrying about something that is happening to every person around you as well as you!!

iguana

OP, I'm sorry if this is out of line but have you considered that your feelings on your looks have actually something to do with unresolved grief. You were widowed at a very young age and left with the responsibility of raising a young grieving child by yourself.

Have you dealt fully with your own feelings, as I suspect that a part of your problem with ageing is that the changes in your looks are moving you further away from the woman you were when your husband was alive. That in addition to the fact that your daughter is approaching adulthood so your identity as a mother is also changing drastically. Added to that discovering that the man you were dating was not only a sleaze but attracted to your daughter I suspect there might be a whole host of anger/sorrow/loss underneath your unhappiness about your looks.

spinandscribble

OP i think a few people have been a bit harsh with you. Yes you were born with good looks but that doesn't mean you should feel guilty about wanting to hold on to it. Some people are lucky and are blessed with other natural gifts and would like to hold onto them also but since some of those gifts are considered less shallow, noone bats a eyelid at them fighting age/decline.

Basically saying, you had a good run old girl time to give up and find a hobby is a bit silly to me. Yes you need to be aware you're more then just your looks but you came online because you obviously didn't feel comfortable talking about this with friends so its clear to me you're aware worrying about something like the aging process is frowned upon but you just needed some reassurance.

Some people like to stereotype people who are good looking as being dumb or have less personality then others. In my experience this isn't the case. whether you have looks or not does not disadvantage you in having a personality. My own mother was a beauty queen and she's got the best personality going, she could strike a conversation with anyone and has lots of other great traits.

I would say look at the good in your life like your daughter, interests and friends.

LegacyUser

@iguana You know, you might be on to something, I think I might book an appointment with a therapist, maybe talking about everything will help me and yes, sometimes I do feel sad and feel like life was unfair when I lost my husband at such a young age, and although I thought I had recovered from that, maybe I haven't and it's why, I still feel so depressed right now.

@spinandscribble

Thank you and I agree, it's not like I'm just gonna say, my looks are gone, okay, I'll just start knitting or whatever lol. Obviously looks aren't everything but I do feel, like in our society, if you worry about your looks, you're a self-absorbed and shallow person and your concerns aren't valid and I don't agree with that and that's exactly why I don't talk with my close friends about that.

prinz

losinglooks wrote: »

I'd been dating this guy for almost two years until I saw him checking out my daughter and touching himself, that's when I just stopped seeing him. How can I cope with this?

losinglooks wrote: »

I talked to my daughter and explained her how I was feeling and that i felt sorry that I grounded her for no apparent reason, she understood me and we hugged..

You punished your daughter for what happened above? Counselling. ASAP.

losinglooks wrote: »

Obviously looks aren't everything but I do feel, like in our society, if you worry about your looks, you're a self-absorbed and shallow person and your concerns aren't valid and I don't agree with that and that's exactly why I don't talk with my close friends about that...

That's a very skewed view of the realities of western society. People, especially younger people, are being bombarded from everywhere that looks are everything, and all you are doing is heaping another load of that nonsense onto your daughter's shoulders.

This thread has less about the effects of aging, and wanting to look your best, and much more about insecurities and self-esteem.

SarahG91

OP, I'm only 20 but in my view a 40-year-old is far from being an "older woman." This comes from our media's message that only women in their teens and twenties can be sexy and that as soon as a woman hits 30 she is "over the hill."

There is no point in going crazy with plastic surgery in an effort to look 10 or 20 years younger than you really are. At best, plastic surgery will make you look fake and in denial about your age. At worst, it can be a disaster that will leave you feeling and looking worse than you do now, while costing you thousands.

There are plenty of things you can do, like exercising, eating healthily, dressing well, not smoking, getting plenty of sleep, meditating, doing yoga, and so on, that will improve your appearance, your fitness, and your sense of inner well-being. There are plenty of men out there who would be interested in an attractive woman your age. As for creeps like the one who was masturbating over your teenage daughter ... well you really don't want to be with someone like that anyway! UGH!

Boskowski

I'm a fourty year old man and for what its worth if a woman was very good looking when she was 20 and 30 chances are she still is very good looking when she's 40 unless she turned into a couch potatoe.

Plus as a man grows older while he still recognizes a good looking 25 year old girl he also appreciates an attractive 40 year old woman while that may not have been the case when he was 25 himself. At least that's the way it works for me. So you should be fine unless you're trying to get your main recognition from 25 year old fellas.

ongarboy

From A to Z and OP, you say other posters here will drag out the cliches but do you think OP is correct in letting her physical beauty be her primary measure of self worth and therefore justified in grounding her daughter for fear the daughter might outshine her? She is already sacrificing and damaging her daughter's long term relationship with her over her obsession with looking beautiful. Is that healthy and correct? To my eye, that is a far uglier attribute than any fading face or figure. Using that logic, we should all treat our parents and grandparents with disdain because they no longer have their former looks.

I've no issue with people wanting to look good and spending money on same if they so desire, but not where it becomes their sole measurement of inner happiness above everything else. It reminds me of people who judge their self worth solely by material wealth and who cannot cope when their wealth suffers from downturns/recession (often with tragic consequences).

beks101

I'd really fear for your daughter to be honest OP.

I appreciate you are struggling to cope with the (perceived) diminishing attention, but as Ongarboy said, you obviously base your entire sense of self-worth on your looks and through your actions and behaviours, impressing this same message upon your daughter - who's in for the same rude wake-up call down the line if you're not careful.

She's clearly a beautiful girl, be proud of that, celebrate it and encourage her to make the most of it, but as I'm sure you're aware, the world can be a tough enough place for an attractive woman with judgemental people, begrudging females and males who want just one thing, don't bring those difficulties into her own home. You're her mother, your duty is to protect her and provide the best for her - not to 'outwin' her in the looks department or compete against her for attention. You may be struggling and I'd advise you to follow the solid advice that other posters have suggested, but I honestly don't have any sympathy for you in how you're treating your daughter, I think it's appalling and there's no excuse for it.

LegacyUser

OP, I'm a thirty eight year old looker in decline lol.

The crows feet can get a bit depressing and I find I now have to exercise to stay slim after years of eating and drinking anything I wanted & being slim as a whippet. Whatya gonna do?

I think you are entitled to grieve for changing looks. I'm going through the same process myself, although as an above poster said, if you were a good looking 30 year old you are probably a good looking forty year old.

You mentioned that you are a widow and had a bad experience with a creep - are you single now? Perhaps thats where much of the fear is coming from? It's hard to get out and date when you're not feeling your most beautiful. Physical attractiveness matters when you are looking for a partner. Although if you turn it around - ever dated someone for their charisma IN SPITE of their looks? I have and so do many people. Who you fall in love with comes down to chemistry. It was the same when we were at our most beautiful. Its easy to look back and think 'I could have had anyone back then' - but that was never true - it always comes down to chemistry. Good looks are a great bonus in life but they're just part of the package.

I suspect that you don't look as bad as you think you do and you are probably far from washed up when it comes to dating as well. I exercise to make myself feel better. It's great for skin and great for feeling good about yourself. Most things are just as state of mind.
My other beauty tip is never stand too close to the mirror. A distance of three feet is perfect especially early in the morning and it makes all the difference to my mood for the rest of the day!