How do I cope with losing my looks?

Stu

There is a lot more to life than being good looking, but theres too many people on this thread belittling the OPs issue. Whats a big issue for 1 person may be seen as trivial to another person but its still a big problem for the OP.

Some people get their self esteem from how they look, shallow or not, thats beside the point. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself, whether it be looks, intelligence, status etc, it doesn't matter as long as you have something about yourself that you value and makes you feel good.

If somebody who is wealthy loses their business and goes bankrupt would anybody be surprised if it adversely affected their self esteem. So why should it be any different to somebody who is beautiful losing their looks and having a negative knock on effect to their self esteem.

People on these forums throw out the usual garbage about, oh its whats inside that counts, thats only partly true. Beautiful people get treated differently to average looking or less than average looking people, FACT and the OP knows this only too well and is having a hard time dealing with being considered an average 40 something.

OK, the OP needs to get a sense of perspective in all this but she doesn't need to be belittled for worrying about getting older and told about inner beauty, how many people are actually that fantastic anyway.

prinz

Stu wrote: »

There is a lot more to life than being good looking, but theres too many people on this thread belittling the OPs issue. Whats a big issue for 1 person may be seen as trivial to another person but its still a big problem for the OP..

Most posters have advised the OP to look into counselling, and some real help for her issues regarding herself perception, her point in life, and her relationship with her daughter.

Of course getting her lips pumped with collagen might do the same thing... actually no wait, it won't.

LegacyUser

Stu wrote: »

There is a lot more to life than being good looking, but theres too many people on this thread belittling the OPs issue. Whats a big issue for 1 person may be seen as trivial to another person but its still a big problem for the OP.

Some people get their self esteem from how they look, shallow or not, thats beside the point. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself, whether it be looks, intelligence, status etc, it doesn't matter as long as you have something about yourself that you value and makes you feel good.

If somebody who is wealthy loses their business and goes bankrupt would anybody be surprised if it adversely affected their self esteem. So why should it be any different to somebody who is beautiful losing their looks and having a negative knock on effect to their self esteem.

People on these forums throw out the usual garbage about, oh its whats inside that counts, thats only partly true. Beautiful people get treated differently to average looking or less than average looking people, FACT and the OP knows this only too well and is having a hard time dealing with being considered an average 40 something.

OK, the OP needs to get a sense of perspective in all this but she doesn't need to be belittled for worrying about getting older and told about inner beauty, how many people are actually that fantastic anyway.

Stu, growing older is not the same as going bankrupt. Are you for real? Losing your home, not being able to support your family, bills, health insurance. Come on.
As for beautiful people get treated differently to average looking or less than is a FACT. My God what sort of people do you know. You are assuming that everyone is shallow. I can assure you that the hottest person I was with wasn't (to others) the best looking but I thought that person was HOT, why because they were magnetic, unassuming, intelligent, thoughtful and caring.
Your comment is the equivalent of me saying, beautiful people are so high maintenance, vain, selfish and they are vacous, and have no personalities because they never had to try. Sweeping generalisations!

LegacyUser

OP please don't do what the other posters say, Stu is right though. I get botox and fillers and it helps so much. Really. You can listen to all the phoney pep up speeches you like....'oh my experience and wisdom are better than any youth and beauty blah blah blah' but you know yourself what a load of empty, trite claptrap it really is.

Nothing will bring back our youth and that is devastating but don't give up and don't listen to the ageing naturally nazi's. Good work subtly done is worth much more than all the wisdom and experience in Ireland. I mean it.

I never realised how much men looked at me until now when they do a lot less, it's shocking how much a woman misses that. Yes I will get called shallow but I don't care. I enjoy male attention, I'm not ashamed of that.

LegacyUser

beselfish wrote: »

OP please don't do what the other posters say, Stu is right though. I get botox and fillers and it helps so much. Really. You can listen to all the phoney pep up speeches you like....'oh my experience and wisdom are better than any youth and beauty blah blah blah' but you know yourself what a load of empty, trite claptrap it really is.

Nothing will bring back our youth and that is devastating but don't give up and don't listen to the ageing naturally nazi's. Good work subtly done is worth much more than all the wisdom and experience in Ireland. I mean it.

I never realised how much men looked at me until now when they do a lot less, it's shocking how much a woman misses that. Yes I will get called shallow but I don't care. I enjoy male attention, I'm not ashamed of that.

Don't think attention is an exclusive right of so called 'beautiful' people. How many of the 'so called' beautiful people have successful long term relationships. They seem to draw shallow and superficial partners that leave them for younger 'models'. Op is a prime example. I'm sorry but that's not something most of us would like for ourselves. Being constantly insecure.
No one is berating the OP for having surgery here. The issue is her self esteem and how its affecting her relationship with her daughter. That's pretty sad. Priorities are all out of whack here

iguana

I_wonder wrote: »

Don't think attention is an exclusive right of so called 'beautiful' people. How many of the 'so called' beautiful people have successful long term relationships. They seem to draw shallow and superficial partners that leave them for younger 'models'. Op is a prime example.

The OP married a man who spent the rest of his life with her.

Little Acorn

losinglooks wrote: »

I'm gettin the impression that some of you believe that I'm some kind of monster who only cares about looks, but this is not true at all. I ended the relationship with my ex-BF because of the incident with my daughter when I caught him touching himself. I didn't blame my daughter at all, as he was the one with the problem, I didn't blame myself for that incident either. I don't know if this is important but he's 29, and he's the first BF I had after I lost my husband. I didn't pursue him, he pursued me at first, and he was kind, a good person, etc. but I didn't overlook his character because of his looks or youth, I thought he was a good person UNTIL that incident and I've just erased him from my life after that.

I don't abuse my daughter because she's pretty, I just grounded her ONCE because I had been depressed and then I saw how beautiful she was and I felt jealous so I just told her, sorry, you're not going with your friends tonight and that was it, I was wrong, I'll admit that, but I don't ground her without reason every time, it was just that one time, and I talked about it with her and she understood. I'm never gonna do that again.

The thing is that I was (I know cliche) ugly as a child, I wasn't bullied per se, but other children told me I was ugly, and I looked like a witch, this was when I was like 9, but then, when I went through puberty, everyone's attitude changed, and I was told I was beautiful, of course, I didn't believe at first, after being told you're ugly, you don't really believe that all of a sudden you're beautiful. But I realized I was beautiful, and all throughout my twenties, people and friends and even strangers, told me every SINGLE day, I was pretty, it was awesome, but this has stopped, yes, I get the occasional compliment but it's not when I was 20.

I don't know what's changed, I'm still a size zero because I work out a lot, I eat a lot, but I work out so I don't starve myself, I got veneers so my teeth are not yellow, or anything, and I take care of myself, The only thing that has changed is that I'm almost 40 now, and some of you have mentioned celebrities but they get attention because they're celebrities, not only because of their looks. It's not like I cry day and night about hits but it does get me down and I just wanna feel like I feel 10, 20, years ago, but I just feel so old, I don't feel ugly, but old.

OP, I don't think you are a monster. I apologize if I took up your earlier post wrong about leaving the ex. When I read it, it seemed liked you were angry with your daughter over the fact he was looking at her.
My post seems a bit harsh in retrospect, but your earlier posts reminded me of a friend I had growing up in secondary, her mother was very jealous of her. The girl is absolutely beautiful, but her mother would always make nothing put snide comments about her appearance all the time, what she was wearing, her makeup, her hair, her weight etc. [she was only a size 8-10], she also did what you did and regularly stopped her daughter going to events with us her friends [although I know now you only did that once].
It had a horrible effect on their relationship, a lot of anger and hurt.
Friend eventually became very self conscious, and obsessed about looking perfect all the time, which would be ok if it wasn't to the point where she actually got panicky and tearful, over a simple thing like forgetting to bring her lipgloss on a night out. It was ridiculous, but also very sad to see.
I got the impression that you were becoming something similar to a mum like that, if you let the jealousy fester within you, so apologies again if you are nothing like that.

The rest of my post still stands. Your life is not over. You can still do things that you set your mind to. It now seems youth more than beauty is your worry, and again what I said still stands. You are only turning 40. All of your goals are still achievable.

You are upset because you don't receive compliments like you did 'every single day' when you were 20.
Quote:I get the occasional compliment but it's not when I was 20.
I would doubt even Angelina Jolie gets compliments every single day tbh, you were obviously very lucky, but it is unrealistic to expect daily compliments of people to continue for life.
It doesn't mean you are not still beautiful, as someone pointed out earlier, they probably just think you already know it by this stage.

You do seem to have very low self confidence. You say that you don't think you are ugly, but for some reason you still feel the need for others to constantly reassure you that you are good looking by giving compliments.
It's like you don't really trust or believe your own judgement, because if you did, you wouldn't need others to constantly reaffirm it for you.
This might have something to do with the fact that you were made to believe that you were ugly as a child, and would be worth talking through with someone.
Everyone likes compliments, and hell I would even say that yes, to a certain extent most people need a few compliments too. Not just with looks, but I find I always work a hell of alot better when I get praise of a boss or a lecturer. Compliments about my looks from the boyfriend and friends and males who approach on a night out feel quite good too. However I do not get them every single day, and don't need or expect to. You said you still get occasional compliments. That is pretty normal, and not something to worry about.

I am not trying to trivialize the OP's concerns, I am not trying to belittle the OP, I am not saying that looks/youth don't mean anything, I'm just saying that they don't mean everything.
I know that it is normal to get sentimental and miss youth,

I know you are not crying yourself to sleep over this every night OP, but it obvious from your posts that you are far more upset than other people get over growing older. The main thing that jumps out to me is what appears to be a lack of self belief and worth. I am sure you are an attractive woman with lots of other things to be proud of, raising your daughter for one thing, but you don't really mention any of the good things about yourself in your posts. It's all about the past.

Quote:I just wanna feel like I feel 10, 20, years ago, but I just feel so old, I don't feel ugly, but old.


You only felt so good 20 years ago OP because you were getting daily compliments. Before that you believed you were ugly, so can you see that your confidence and self worth only came because of having such regular compliments of other people.
You will never look as you did 20 years ago, but it is possible to feel that way again. It is possible to regain that feeling of confidence in your looks,and that feeling of a zest for life again.
Only this time you are going to have to build that confidence by yourself, and not rely on others to build it for you.

Look at all the good things in your life. Look at all of the thing you have ever achieved. Look at all the things you have to be proud off.
Make a list of all these things.
Look at all your good personality qualities. What do your friends love about you? What do you love about yourself?
Make a list of these things too.
Look at what skills you have, just things that you are fairly good at, or things that you have a fairly good knowledge of:
It could be cooking, writing, music, makeup/hair, good with numbers, science, history, politics- anything!
List these too.
Appearance: Look at all your good features. List every single one of them. Be it good skin, nice teeth, slender arms, nice legs /bum/bust ,nice hair,nice smile, neat eyebrows, nice feet or good knees even!
I could bet that the 'good' list outweighs a few lines or wrinkles.

If you feel that you have nothing/very little to write then getting the help of someone else to do them would help. Alot of people think "I'm not skilled at anything", or "I haven't achieved anything", IF you feel that way then a therapist and/or good friends could help you realize all the good things about yourself that you don't acknowledge.

Look at all these great things about yourself, and be proud of them. Then when you have accepted that you have a lot of things going for you, and things to be proud of, start setting yourself goals for the things that you wished were on the list.
Set these goals/ambitions with the knowledge and confidence that you are perfectly capable of at least giving them your best shot.
You will succeed with some. you may fail in some but at least you would know that you had tried.
What's stopping you? [Turning 40 is not a valid answer btw:P]

I am suggesting these things OP, because I think that if you are able to build your confidence in this way, that you will feel as happy as you did 10 -20 years ago. Only this time it will be because you acknowledge yourself that you are attractive, and you acknowledge that you have lots of other things going for you, and you realize that you are responsible for your own happiness, and do NOT have to rely on others to make you feel happy or good about yourself.
You can still enjoy the occasional compliments, enjoy the confidence boost [we all do], only this time it won't be a case of you feeling that you need them very regularly, because I would hope that you learn to become your own biggest complimenter. When you love and feel proud of yourself, you won't care as much about how many compliments you get of other people, and you won't feel that your life is over because you will realize that you have the capability of starting all over again if you wish to.
I wouldn't even be against you getting cosmetic treatments done in the future, but only if it is a decision you make after learning that it is not the only thing that will make you happy, that it would be just something that gives an extra confidence boost on top of all the other things you have to feel confident about.

Sorry for really long post. I'm not a therapist obviously, just offering a few suggestions that might make you feel better. There's probably plenty of other things you could try too. Good Luck.:)

Cheap Thrills!

Hi OP,

I'm sure this thread is a rough ride for you.

I can empathise with you on many levels. I am approaching your age and don't like elements of it either.

I am also in an age-gap-relationship and although I dont have kids I do somewhat identify with your feelings of jealousy for younger people, although as you know yourself, the situation with your daughter getting grounded was a step way too far. I think you've demonstrated that you know that.(I don't exactly envy their looks, more their freedom and party-proof health )

It is hard getting older, no doubt. I don't at all buy into this Oprah crap of 'you're beautiful inside and that's what matters' but neither do I buy into the crap that women are only worth what they look like.

You have to get to a stage where you surrender and accept yourself. I hate my skin changing, not shrugging off hangovers as quick, having to work harder to keep weight off and being weighed down with lots of responsibilities. But, that's life. I accept some of it, the rest drives me nuts too.

My Mother was quite looks-oreientated too and it's a hard habit to break, to start caring less. But a relief too in a way.

My OH is 11 years younger so I know the pressure that brings but the qualities I value in him are exactly as you said you initially liked in your younger man, kindness and a definite and sure sense that he seems to want me.

You had a bump in the road, the guy you were with violated your daughters and your boundaries, that's a hurt that takes time to get over. You will. Don't put your self worth into others hands. Your self-worth is not about being size zero or taut-of-skin.

You're a package, mentally, emotionally, physically.

Any man worth his salt will recognise that. It shouldn't be such 'hard-work'.

You're perfectly good enough, just as you are.

Stu

I'm just saying it as it is. The better looking you are, the easier a ride you'll get in life. Sweeping generalisations aside, looks give you a leg up in life.

Personality is of course more important than looks, anybody with half a brain knows this but being beautiful is such a massive bonus and can only be seen as such.

The OP appears to put far too much value on her looks but then she has something thats hard to replace. We all look for validation from other people, its just human nature and to say that being good looking and knowing your good looking is somehow shallow and not seeing the bigger picture is basically being deluded.

I can tell you straight out that when i was younger, in my teens and 20's and terribly unfit, very few women would give me the time of day, yeah sure i had female friends but funny enough it rarely ever went any further.

Now, since i've got myself in great shape, surprise surprise, i am getting a lot more attention in my 30's. Why didn't these women see my inner beauty when i was much younger but strangely that's not an issue anymore.

I must just have a fantastic personality nowadays, but i tried so hard when i was in my 20's to be a nice friendly, gregarious guy but where were all the women who like a nice guy with a good personailty. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Strange how a toned body and glowing complextion brings all these women out of the woodwork :rolleyes:.

Its really weird, i bumped into a girl who used to be in my class in secondery school at the gym i go to and she was ever so friendly and we had a great chat (she wouldn't give me the time of day in school), i've met her twice since at the gym and she always has so much stuff to tell me, its like we were long lost best friends. Of course, my inner beauty is totally obvious to her nowadays, wow, it's really great that she can see past how overweight i was in secondary school and doesn't judge me on that anymore .

cantdecide

So what you're saying is that simply going to the gym and taking care of yourself made an enormous difference in your life. That's excellent advice. You should tell the OP that.

LegacyUser

cantdecide wrote: »

So what you're saying is that simply going to the gym and taking care of yourself made an enormous difference in your life. That's excellent advice. You should tell the OP that.

Actually he did just tell her that. By telling her that he was acknowledging the difference appearances can make. It was telling her that he takes her loss seriously.

And it's a good point. Studies have shown that at trial, attractive defendants are not only more likely to be found innocent, but if convicted, they get shorter sentences. But I'm sure if you asked those judge or jurors they'd say they're all about the inner beauty...
If looks makes such a difference when it comes to big things - imagine what kind of difference it can make to small daily things... when so many choices we make are subconscious.

Stu is simply trying to empathise with the OP...

OP, you've got some great posts here. Acceptance is going to take time. It's been the same for millions of other women. I wouldn't rush to cosmetic procedures. Maybe focus on the parts of your life that are good - things fall into place sometimes when we do this.

Firetrap

I'm wondering are you feeling lonely? You've broken up with your partner, your daughter is growing up and there's an inkling in the back of your mind that you would like to meet someone else and start again. I'm guessing you were probably one of those lucky women who was never without a boyfriend for long and it was easy to attract a man. Now you're at that age where it's harder to find eligible men, you're conscious that you're in competition with younger women and you're effectively invisible if you had a loving other half who said nice things to you, would you be feeling this way?

Doogieboogie

Something screams out at me when reading this thread, and I think only one poster has mentioned it - the fact that the OP lost her husband at a young age. I am a young widow, and let me tell you, it screws with your head. The panic of being alone after being with someone for so long, the utter destruction of that which defined you. The OP's daughter was only seven when her husband died, I feel that, like many other young widows, she had to put aside her grief and absorb her daughters, and raise her alone. Now that the daughter is on the cusp of womanhood, the OP will be alone, for the first time in about 20 years? That is a hugely scary prospect, and it's no surprise that she has unconsciously focused on her ageing looks - it's a referred grief.

OP, I had (and still do have) all sorts of crazy thoughts after I was widowed. I don't have children, so I have the ''luxury'' of focusing on just myself. I was panicked. I am not the most beautiful of women, and I'm overweight - my husband met me when I was 24, and much better looking and slimmer than I am now. I think that even if I were to get to the point where I wanted to start dating, there wouldn't be many prospects on the horizon for a girl like me. I am filled with dread that this will be how my life is - alone, and lonely.

I think that this issue is very much tied to losing your husband, and your fear of losing your looks is how it has manifest. I think that, had your husband not passed away, you wouldn't give more than a passing care to getting older - you would be getting older together. In a lot of ways, our lives come to a standstill when we lose our partner. Unfortunately, the rest of the world keeps going - it doesn't wait for us.

Another thing that sprang to mind was the loss of your boyfriend (the first since your husband?) or rather, the loss of who you thought he was - you mentioned that he seemed sweet and kind, and then you catch him doing something as awful as he did. You lost the person you thought he was as well as his physical company.

Perhaps it's time to try counselling. Go to a counselling psychologist, and explore these issues. I hope you can work it out.

Eve_Dublin

Stu wrote: »

If you look after your health and keep physically fit, and i don't mean a 30 minute walk 3 times a week, i mean gruelling 90 minute gym sessions 3 or 4 times a week, regular long walks, playing a sport etc..

Jesus, if I did all that I'd have no time to do the things I actually enjoyed and enriched me as a person. Do you have time in your week to read a book or open a paper, for example? It seems your only hobby is looking good. That's quite sad. What kind of person will you be when you hit your 70s?

Stu

No eve, work it out. I spend about 1 to 2 hours a day working out, as opposed to watching mind numbingly boring evening tv. I spend my evenings doing something that i enjoy, i don't enjoy watching corrie or eastenders but each to their own

I do read the paper eve, but it takes about 30 minutes. I do read the odd book as well and i do get a couple of 5-aside football games in as well during the week, 2 hours out of 168 hours in a week. So roughly, 14 hours a week spent exercising out of 168 hours. Its a miracle i have time for anything else :rolleyes:.

Maybe im overdoing it eve, any advice to calm me down to a more sedentary lifestyle !

Forever Hopeful

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Jesus, if I did all that I'd have no time to do the things I actually enjoyed and enriched me as a person. Do you have time in your week to read a book or open a paper, for example? It seems your only hobby is looking good. That's quite sad. What kind of person will you be when you hit your 70s?

I agree with Eve. People like us obviously don't need gruelling 90 minute workouts in gyms...we look fantastic just as we are:)
To add to that we have the time to broaden our minds and actually be interesting people who enjoy taking an interest and learning about people other than ourselves.
Everyone wants to look good but it should never keep someone awake at night wondering if they are still attractive.
Stu, I read your earlier posts about not being so attractive when you are younger. I don't think it has anything to do with you making yourself fit etc. Stop with assuming all people are shallow, you grow up, you get a job and you have money to take care of yourself. The sold called hotties of the school days are often left by the wayside when they get older. Broaden your mind just a little bit, for your own sake.

Stu

"Forevever Hopeful", thats a bit harsh. Whats wrong with with looking after myself? I work out in the evenings after work !!. Its not an obsession, its just a lifestyle choice. I really can't understand what your problem is ::rolleyes:

Why do you assume that my life revolves around looking good. I judge people on who they are, not how they look but i am on the ball enough to know that being physically fit is good for you in so many ways. Am i conceited, no, i'm just a realist.

And what are people like you? Your probably not that much different to me. I don't know you and can't make any assumptions about you based on a post. :rolleyes:

Look, its very simple, exercise is "GOOD" first and foremost for your sense of well being both intellectually and physically, you know this right? or have my previous posts not put yout you wide.

If you want to judge me negatively based on a few typed words that promotes exercise as a way of looking better then thats a bit sad but i'm only saying it as it is. Did i mention that i'm a realist.

By the way "Forever Hopeful", how old are you?

Forever Hopeful

Stu wrote: »

"Forevever Hopeful", thats a bit harsh. Whats wrong with with looking after myself? I work out in the evenings after work !!. Its not an obsession, its just a lifestyle choice. I really can't understand what your problem is ::rolleyes:

Why do you assume that my life revolves around looking good. I judge people on who they are, not how they look but i am on the ball enough to know that being physically fit is good for you in so many ways. Am i conceited, no, i'm just a realist.

Eh I don't think my post was harsh. If you look back at your posts throughout this thread you will see that your comments (maybe miscontrued) have been interpreted as shallow, conceited and resolves around looking good. I am all for looking after yourself from a health perspective but there's a point when it becomes obsessive. The original topic was a 30 something beautiful woman who is sadden by the fact that she is losing her looks. What posters are trying to articulate is, she has nothing to fear. Your happiness depends on your outlook not on how you look. Absolutely drop dead gorgeous people are not necessarily the happiest. Isn't being happy and fulfilled better than depending on someone telling you your hot? Maybe I'm mixing in the wrong circles but I'm surrounded by absolutely stunning people who are in the same age bracket as this lady and NEVER EVER does this topic come up in conversation. Why? Because they are fulfilled!

Stu

I totally agree with you, looks on their own don't mean diddly. You can't live a life of happiness if its defined by your looks but if your good looking without being conceited, it can open up a lot of doors for you.

Listen, i'm a realist and i live life in a way that everybody is sound until proved otherwise but please don't tell me that good looking people don't get treated differently to plain looking people because that just a fallacy.

I am speaking from experience here. I can see it with my own two eyes. I am treated differently now because i am in great shape as opposed to when i was younger and out of shapre. This is the reality. I'm not some deluded fool. But i have lived the flip side of things and am very grounded and can see that people are looking at me in a different way because i look much better than i did when i was pale, overweight and lethargic.

I don't think i'm any better than anybody else but i'm certain'y a better person, with more confidence and a better outlook on life. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so, if anything i try to pass my positivity onto other people. Confidence breeds confidence .

The main thing is really, that being physically fit has a positive psychological effect. I agree with you wholeheartedly that your sense of self is what defines you but part of that is being in good shape. When your body is healthy it generally means that your mind is healthy, not always but usually. My posts are meant to be a positive in regards to physical health and what it can do for your life. I personally define myself by my work and relationships but health is definately up there with those nowadays.

CK2010

OP, where are you from?

Distorted

Some funny attitudes towards keeping fit and healthy and trying to look reasonably good on here.

The OP has been widowed young, and has been propelled unwillingly back onto the dating scene and all that entails for women out of their twenties in this country.

Simply taking care of your appearance does not mean you are looks obsessed or want loads of attention. My workplace was rocked by a cheating scandal and I've never seen such a bunch of unattractive people - didn't stop them cheating on their partners. Just as you can argue being interested in your looks is bad, you could argue that uglier people need more reassurance from others that they are still desireable. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I tend to find good looking people more well adjusted on the whole than out of shape people who feel uncomfortable with themselves.

So many people in this country look damned awful because they dress badly, don't exercise, eat too much, don't take care of their teeth and skin, and so on. Thats just personal maintenance, not vanity.

I'm shocked that the suggestion of a 90 minute gym session 3 times a week seems to flummox some people. Gyms are full of people doing just that. I personally train a couple of hours a day most days and compete at weekends. I'm just a driven person who doesn't want to spend my life sitting down every evening slumped in front of a tv. But I do probably look a lot younger than most people my age and a lot better than if I didn't exercise, even though thats not my prime motivation.

Stu

Spot on, Distorted. People with a certain mentality will cheat. Good looking people don't cheat more than average looking people. A 90 minute gym session 3 times a week is not that much exercise but some people can't even be arsed to do 4 and a half hours exercise per week but find the time to watch 5 hours evening TV per day.

I have plenty of energy to do lots of other things, thats one benefit of being fit. I was once overweight and had a really bad diet and i can tell you, i wasn't walking around with a spring in my step. I was constantly tired and apathetic. I will never go back to that lifestyle for as long as i live.

Ickle Magoo

If anyone wishes to discuss themselves or their own issues, they are free to start their own thread on the appropriate forum. On this thread, please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

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Many thanks.

AvaG

You did not create your identity based solely on your looks.

Your looks are a large part of identity, as it is for other people, but just because you're beautiful it shouldn't be assumed you made it your complete identity!

Please disregard replies from those who write that as they don't know anything about you. It's hard to get true empathy from those who were never beautiful and don't know what your life is/was like. Everyone knows we shouldn't place all our value on appearance, so reading replies like that are not that helpful.

Please read this article!
http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/2007/11/15/older_beauty/

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Thanks for sharing your personal issue, it has been a very interesting read, im 32 year old female and after 30 i started to get insecure about aging. Just noticing things and criticizing myself more. I try to stop myself doing it because i think it makes you worse, like ~what you fear you create.

Ive tried to live by this idea~that there is nothing more attractive than a strong confident woman, i am a pretty girl but i think my personality is my strength, if you feel good inside people automatically warm to you, and the more we love ourselves the more others do, thats what i have noticed anyway.

There is a good test to do to see how much you love yourself, if you look in the mirror and say, i love and approve of myself, how do you feel? some people throw the mirror across the room when they do it because of so much self hate, also we have voices from the past in our heads that still criticize us parents and teachers voices etc saying you feckin eejit, or the state of you, etc. I really think its worth becoming conscious over the way you speak to yourself because if you change the thoughts to more loving ones it will radiate from you, like someone can be really beautiful but if they are stressed and grumpy it will show on their face.

I think it is a good idea to find an example of a 40 yr old you admire, get a picture of her and put it up on your wall to manifest those feelings and generate a healthy view of a 40 year old, there are so many women who get more attractive as they get older, it defo has to do with how you feel inside, dont feel like your life is over! Its only beginning! Get to the root of your inner pain and release it and you will prob see dramatic effects, also i heard the writer of the power of now Eckhart Tolle say he looks so young because he lives in the present moment, he is like 60 something and he has hardly any grey hair!

All the best XX