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How would you want to be "knocked back"?

2

Comments

  • #32
    cantdecide
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,363 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    milli milli wrote: »
    So if a guy you weren't interested in approached you, you would completely ignore him?
    HavingCrack wrote: »
    Nothing necessarily wrong with this either, it's not as if a woman owes anything to a strange (not meant in a bad way) man who just starts talking to her. If you're sitting on a train and someone starts talking to you and you just want to be left alone do you have to have a conversation with them? Clearly not.

    Now is it rude to ignore someone who start's chatting to you? Yes and no depending on how they approach. Do you 'owe' them a conversation? Simple answer is no. They might consider you a rude, arrogant pri*k but that's irrelevant.

    Few would disagree that that would be rude. If a lady were to initiate a conversation with a male stranger on a train and he flat out ignored her, well that would be rude, too. Male or female, manners are manners. I dislike poor manners when possessed by either gender.


  • #33
    TouchingVirus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,581 ✭✭✭TouchingVirus


    HavingCrack wrote: »
    Nothing necessarily wrong with this either, it's not as if a woman owes anything to a strange (not meant in a bad way) man who just starts talking to her. If you're sitting on a train and someone starts talking to you and you just want to be left alone do you have to have a conversation with them? Clearly not.

    Now is it rude to ignore someone who start's chatting to you? Yes and no depending on how they approach. Do you 'owe' them a conversation? Simple answer is no. They might consider you a rude, arrogant pri*k but that's irrelevant.


    You owe them a little common decency and manners if you ask me, even if it's just a "Sorry, I'd prefer to be left alone".


  • #34
    HavingCrack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,847 ✭✭✭HavingCrack


    cantdecide wrote: »
    Few would disagree that that would be rude. If a lady were to initiate a conversation with a male stranger on a train and he flat out ignored her, well that would be rude, too. Male or female, manners are manners. I dislike poor manners when possessed by either gender.

    I wouldn't disagree with you, just pointing out that you don't owe the person a conversation, whether it's rude or not.
    TouchingVirus wrote: »
    You owe them a little common decency and manners if you ask me, even if it's just a "Sorry, I'd prefer to be left alone".
    Oh I'd agree there but just pointing out as regards men approaching women, if she says 'I'd prefer to be left alone', leave her alone, she doesn't owe him a conversation.


  • #35
    cantdecide
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,363 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    HavingCrack wrote: »
    I wouldn't disagree with you, just pointing out that you don't owe the person a conversation, whether it's rude or not.


    Oh I'd agree there but just pointing out as regards men approaching women, if she says 'I'd prefer to be left alone', leave her alone, she doesn't owe him a conversation.

    Do you not think that all people owe each other a little respect and decency? If a door-to-door salesman calls, I'm not entitled to tell him get lost and slam the door in his face. I don't owe him anything either...


  • #36
    Logical Fallacy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,933 ✭✭✭Logical Fallacy


    Raekwon wrote: »
    Accusing me of making sweeping statements in this thread is being both melodramatic and patronising. I think that most people would agree that the vast majority of men at least take the initiative in approaching the opposite sex. Agreed? Therefore men obviously get the most knock backs which would obviously mean that the opportunity for women to boost their egos by giving knock backs would be much greater? Right? It's elementary arithmetic :)

    LoL, i would completely disagree. In my experience, over my damn near 30 years i have noticed most blokes don't have the balls to chat to a woman without being loaded up on pints or having express flirting permission from her filed in triplicate and double checked with at least 4 witnesses.


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  • #37
    petebricquette
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 489 ✭✭petebricquette


    Logical Fallacy wrote: »
    LoL, i would completely disagree. In my experience, over my damn near 30 years i have noticed most blokes don't have the balls to chat to a woman without being loaded up on pints or having express flirting permission from her filed in triplicate and double checked with at least 4 witnesses.

    I dunno about that now; maybe in days gone by but if it's in a fairly decent setting with people in and around the same age as you I've found it's very easy to just strike up a conversation. Pints or no pints! Of course if there's a boyfriend around that's a whole other can of worms.

    Then again, I've been off the market for a while so I'm no expert.


  • #38
    Elle Collins
    Closed Accounts Posts: 681 ✭✭✭Elle Collins


    milli milli wrote: »
    So if a guy you weren't interested in approached you, you would completely ignore him?

    Where did you get that idea from? When you were reading my post you must have missed the sentence that follows on from the one you highlighted:

    "If a man is polite to me in his approach I am polite in return".


  • #39
    Raekwon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,535 ✭✭✭Raekwon


    Logical Fallacy wrote: »
    LoL, i would completely disagree. In my experience, over my damn near 30 years i have noticed most blokes don't have the balls to chat to a woman without being loaded up on pints or having express flirting permission from her filed in triplicate and double checked with at least 4 witnesses.

    Well at least blokes actually DO something. If they just sat back like women do, fluttering their eyelids and giving off mixed signals, then nobody would ever get chatted up and threads like this wouldn't exist. :)


  • #40
    Maguined
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    Raekwon wrote: »
    Well at least blokes actually DO something. If they just sat back like women do, fluttering their eyelids and giving off mixed signals, then nobody would ever get chatted up and threads like this wouldn't exist. :)

    Nah there are plenty of women that approach guys, sure probably not as many as those that say they are too nervous and fear rejection so just sit back and pine for guys to approach them. If hypothetically men stopped approaching women, those women that do approach men would inspire and encourage the rest of the women to approach men and it would be considered "normal" for it to be done this way, then of course you would get plenty of men pining after women to approach them but being too afraid to approach women as its not "normal" anymore.


  • #41
    Raekwon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,535 ✭✭✭Raekwon


    Maguined wrote: »
    Nah there are plenty of women that approach guys, sure probably not as many as those that say they are too nervous and fear rejection so just sit back and pine for guys to approach them. If hypothetically men stopped approaching women, those women that do approach men would inspire and encourage the rest of the women to approach men and it would be considered "normal" for it to be done this way, then of course you would get plenty of men pining after women to approach them but being too afraid to approach women as its not "normal" anymore.

    I like your logic even though I don't entirely agree with it.

    In my experience the only women that approach guys are the ones that either absolutely know that they are onto a sure thing, want something (ie: free drinks, tickets to gig, etc, etc) or have the cushion of a boyfriend and are just after some friendly banter and/or flirting. It is very rare for a single girl to approach a guy with the goal of getting a date or a phone number, granted I've seen it happen in other countries but in Ireland it's about as rare as seen a solar eclipse. Which is actually really weird as women would technically have much greater success approaching guys then visa versa.

    As for men sitting there pining for women to approach them, I know this was only a hypothetical scenario, but I doubt this would happen. Even if I guy was really shy and hesitant at making an approach at first, as some other poster already mention, he would get up some Dutch courage and approach her anyway.


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  • #42
    cantdecide
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,363 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    Raekwon wrote: »
    ...or have the cushion of a boyfriend and are just after some friendly banter and/or flirting...

    I would normally not entirely agree with this but just last week, a mate's GF stuck up a FB status rallying her girl pals for a night of 'dancing, drinking and harmless flirting'. I find this how-outrageous-am-I?! thing a bit vexatious.


  • #43
    Maguined
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    I don't know your age at all but it might be a generation thing. The times I have been approached it was normally from women below 30. They did not know me, none of them were looking for drinks etc off me and they certainly did not know they were onto a sure thing as they all were rejected as I was not single.

    Plenty of men already sit and pine to a degree, I know plenty of guys that consider themselves "nice guys" and are always complaining about the types of guys that regularly get attention from women are "arrogant assholes that talk ****e", they complain because these types of guys while they can talk ****e are also going up and talking to any woman they want, while the nice guys sit back nervously and rarely approach a girl, and if they do get the courage to approach a girl and get rejected they huddle back to their corner to complain about the other guys again and how nice guys finish last and don't bother approaching any other girl for ages.

    The above is a situation I see all the time, the "bad boy" types get rejected by plenty of women but don't let it bother them and move on, while the "nice guys" are nervous and insecure which comes across when they approach women, and don't take the rejection well.


  • #44
    Raekwon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,535 ✭✭✭Raekwon


    I'll be 31 in a few weeks and I've been in a relationship for a few years now so maybe I'm losing touch with the dating scene but I've rarely seen women approach men over the years. Even when I was single I never really seen it happen. Okay you'd get women trying to getting themselves into a position to get chatted up but they actually making the initial approach was really rare.

    Also as I've said in different countries it happens alot more as women seem to be less self concious and more assertive then they are here which actually makes them more approachable too funnily enough. In your own situation, maybe you are just ridiculously good looking and get more approaches then the average dude because women think that you are worth the risk? :p

    Btw I know what you are saying in regards to the shy guys that moan when 'bad boy' types get women and they don't. But these shy guys still do the approaching, you said so yourself, even if when they do get knocked back they retreat back into their shell. At the end of the day they still showed initiative and courage that some women simply take for granted.


  • #45
    milli milli
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,247 ✭✭✭milli milli


    I'm a polite person and will chat to whoever approaches me, whether I fancy them or not.
    Originally Posted by Elle Collins viewpost.gif ]
    Well I wouldn't. There's no onus on me to chat to men I don't know.

    So if a guy you weren't interested in approached you, you would completely ignore him?

    Elle Collins wrote: »
    Where did you get that idea from? When you were reading my post you must have missed the sentence that follows on from the one you highlighted:

    "If a man is polite to me in his approach I am polite in return".


    You directly responded to my question by saying "There's no onus on me to chat to men I don't know."
    You say you will be polite if he's polite but you first said there was no onus on you to chat to men you don't know. It's either one thing or the other?


  • #46
    Maguined
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    Raekwon wrote: »
    I'll be 31 in a few weeks and I've been in a relationship for a few years now so maybe I'm losing touch with the dating scene but I've rarely seen women approach men over the years. Even when I was single I never really seen it happen. Okay you'd get women trying to getting themselves into a position to get chatted up but they actually making the initial approach was really rare.

    Also as I've said in different countries it happens alot more as women seem to be less self concious and more assertive then they are here which actually makes them more approachable too funnily enough. In your own situation, maybe you are just ridiculously good looking and get more approaches then the average dude because women think that you are worth the risk? :p

    Btw I know what you are saying in regards to the shy guys that moan when 'bad boy' types get women and they don't. But these shy guys still do the approaching, you said so yourself, even if when they do get knocked back they retreat back into their shell. At the end of the day they still showed initiative and courage that some women simply take for granted.

    I am definitely not good looking, I used to classify myself as a "nice guy" up till about 2 years ago, then I seriously just woke up one day and stopped caring about being nervous and fearing rejection around women, it has only been after this point that I have been approached by women. I am not even approaching women as I am not interested in starting anything but I believe this not caring and lack of nerves makes me project a feeling of security and calm confidence that has attracted these women rather than anything to do with looks.

    True the "nice guys" do the approaching, but very little, they get knocked back and then are afraid to for the rest of the night, when they see some other "bad boy" guy go up to a girl and receive the attention they wanted they are ignoring the fact this "bad boy" probably approached plenty of other women during the night and got rejected but kept putting themselves out there and risking approaching girls until they found one that liked them back. I know one or two guys who actually even just play a percentages game, they approach every single girl they find remotely good looking, they will get rejected dozens of times in a night but they don't care as generally they will find someone that responds.

    True in other cultures I have noticed women are more assertive to approach men and being approached however at the same time as was mentioned earlier these women probably get approached more often in a casual setting instead of the Irish scene of a drunken guy in a bar who is already half cut.

    This does lead to a chicken and egg scenario of it more guys approached women sober and in a more casual enviroment women would probably be more relaxed and accepting of being approached and also on the other side if more women approached guys then men would not be as nervous of fearing rejection so would not need "dutch courage" and would probably approach women more relaxed and calm in the future.

    However I am not expecting one entire gender to have to start first so it's down to individuals to act themselves, generally I have very little empathy for any man or woman who fearing rejection sit in their corners and pine and complain about a lack of attention but refuse to put themselves out there.


  • #47
    Raekwon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,535 ✭✭✭Raekwon


    I get what you're saying and I agree with you for the most part but what it all boils down to is that fact that the Irish dating scene is systematically 'broken' (for lack of a better word). It seems for the most part that both men and women hide behind their fears and insecurities and when you add alcohol into the mix it just ends in tears most of the time. Hopefully the next couple of generations can evolve the Irish dating scene and totally rid all of the unnecessary awkwardness and pettiness that it's rife with today. Pretty much bring us up to speed with the rest of the world so to speak.
    Maguined wrote: »
    However I am not expecting one entire gender to have to start first so it's down to individuals to act themselves, generally I have very little empathy for any man or woman who fearing rejection sit in their corners and pine and complain about a lack of attention but refuse to put themselves out there.

    True but all people are different, some are super confident extroverts and others are socially inept introverts, but I do agree that ALL people need to at the very least make some sort of an effort. That was my original point. I think it's really unfair that one gender sits back expecting the other to do all of the work and then in some cases even have the audacity to complain about it. I think in this modern day and age of gender equality alittle give and take wouldn't be too much to ask, would it?


  • #48
    Kimia
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,897 ✭✭✭Kimia


    What about when you don't know if someone is chatting you up or not, you are then damned if you do and damned if you don't. Let's consider both positions:

    a) a nice young man (but not my type) starts talking to me in a bar, I talk back and then after a while I say 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested'. He then says 'Jaysus get over yourself'

    or

    b) a nice young man (but not my type) starts talking to me in a bar, I talk back and say nothing until he asks me out. I say 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested'. He then says 'Jaysus why did you lead me on so?'

    I've had both those happen to me. What is the answer!! When specifically do you say no without causing offence? I think the best answer I've heard so far is to casually drop a boyfriend into the conversation but I've done that too and been slagged for being 'too obvious' about it.


  • #49
    petebricquette
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 489 ✭✭petebricquette


    Kimia wrote: »
    What about when you don't know if someone is chatting you up or not, you are then damned if you do and damned if you don't. Let's consider both positions:

    a) a nice young man (but not my type) starts talking to me in a bar, I talk back and then after a while I say 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested'. He then says 'Jaysus get over yourself'

    or

    b) a nice young man (but not my type) starts talking to me in a bar, I talk back and say nothing until he asks me out. I say 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested'. He then says 'Jaysus why did you lead me on so?'

    I've had both those happen to me. What is the answer!! When specifically do you say no without causing offence? I think the best answer I've heard so far is to casually drop a boyfriend into the conversation but I've done that too and been slagged for being 'too obvious' about it.


    To be honest, there's no hard and fast rule for it. No two guys will have the same reaction whatever you say but name-dropping a boyfriend is always a good idea.


  • #50
    cantdecide
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,363 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    Mentioning a BF is beyond obvious. I'd say engage him if hes not being a nob and be friendly but neutral. Dont flirt (sounds obvious but seriously) I did suggest fobbing him off with a lame excuse like youre meeting old friends.


  • #51
    Maguined
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    Raekwon wrote: »
    I get what you're saying and I agree with you for the most part but what it all boils down to is that fact that the Irish dating scene is systematically 'broken' (for lack of a better word). It seems for the most part that both men and women hide behind their fears and insecurities and when you add alcohol into the mix it just ends in tears most of the time. Hopefully the next couple of generations can evolve the Irish dating scene and totally rid all of the unnecessary awkwardness and pettiness that it's rife with today. Pretty much bring us up to speed with the rest of the world so to speak.

    True but all people are different, some are super confident extroverts and others are socially inept introverts, but I do agree that ALL people need to at the very least make some sort of an effort. That was my original point. I think it's really unfair that one gender sits back expecting the other to do all of the work and then in some cases even have the audacity to complain about it. I think in this modern day and age of gender equality alittle give and take wouldn't be too much to ask, would it?

    The Irish dating scene is not broken because there are no rules and laws, I fully agree with you that other societies may have a more relaxed and causal easy going dating scene but at the end of the day there are no rights when it comes to dating, no one is entitled to a fair and equal dating scene. If you are a genuinely nice guy and you approach a woman in a friendly and polite manner and she tells you to "go fcuk yourself!" your rights have not been violated, you have not been wronged, you have simply been spoken to rudely by someone you should now no longer want to interact with but you shouldn't care about what they did to you 5 seconds later.

    Dating someone is not like applying for a job that you should not be discriminated against and the employer is obligated to give you a fair chance, it is completely at the discretion of the individual, there are zero entitlements what so ever. As such gender equality is not an issue, you cannot enforce gender equality in dating, where a woman has to approach X amount of men before she is allowed be approached by X other men.

    If more women are sitting back and letting men approach them as they will not risk approaching them then they are at a disadvantage as far as I am concerned, they could be losing out on a lot of opportunities because they are not willing to do the approaching. It's basic maths, if I was in a bar/club and it is full of women, I have as many opportunities as there are women I am attracted to, sure I can get rejected tons of times but there is far greater a chance of finding someone compatible than there is for a woman sitting in the same bar/club who can be attracted to many men but waits for only those that approach her to see if she likes them and are compatible.


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  • #52
    cocoa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,269 ✭✭✭cocoa


    Kimia wrote: »
    What about when you don't know if someone is chatting you up or not, you are then damned if you do and damned if you don't. Let's consider both positions:

    a) a nice young man (but not my type) starts talking to me in a bar, I talk back and then after a while I say 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested'. He then says 'Jaysus get over yourself'

    or

    b) a nice young man (but not my type) starts talking to me in a bar, I talk back and say nothing until he asks me out. I say 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested'. He then says 'Jaysus why did you lead me on so?'

    I've had both those happen to me. What is the answer!! When specifically do you say no without causing offence? I think the best answer I've heard so far is to casually drop a boyfriend into the conversation but I've done that too and been slagged for being 'too obvious' about it.

    Simple answer : these young men really ain't so nice ;) As long as you're polite (a simple 'sorry but I'm not interested' seems reasonable to me), overreacting like that is basically being a prick to shield his ego. These guys are part of the problem, not your responses...

    If you want to look at it in another, slightly more benevolent way, this guy has just had a knock to his confidence, no matter how you put it, finding out someone you plucked up the courage to approach has no interest can be difficult, and you can help with this. How? By being the villain of course! If you become the villain, the mean nasty woman who takes obscene pleasure in knocking back 'nice guys' like him.

    Personally, I'd lean toward the first paragraph's point of view...


  • #53
    Scanlas The 2nd
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,144 ✭✭✭Scanlas The 2nd


    Kimia wrote: »
    What about when you don't know if someone is chatting you up or not, you are then damned if you do and damned if you don't. Let's consider both positions:

    a) a nice young man (but not my type) starts talking to me in a bar, I talk back and then after a while I say 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested'. He then says 'Jaysus get over yourself'

    or

    b) a nice young man (but not my type) starts talking to me in a bar, I talk back and say nothing until he asks me out. I say 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested'. He then says 'Jaysus why did you lead me on so?'

    I've had both those happen to me. What is the answer!! When specifically do you say no without causing offence? I think the best answer I've heard so far is to casually drop a boyfriend into the conversation but I've done that too and been slagged for being 'too obvious' about it.

    I think you should stop caring what people think, you are stressing over strangers perceptions of you. It's a waste of your time and energy.

    You could go down the honest route and say a summarized version of what you said above.

    Say something like " I'm not sure if you're chatting me up or not, if you are I'm not interested. We can keep chatting if you want though" or if you don't want to talk to him say bye and walk off.

    Either way some people just don't take rejection well no matter what so don't stress over it, it's their problem not yours.


  • #54
    cantdecide
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,363 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    Maguined wrote: »
    ....If you are a genuinely nice guy and you approach a woman in a friendly and polite manner and she tells you to "go fcuk yourself!" your rights have not been violated....
    cocoa wrote: »
    Simple answer : these young men really ain't so nice ;) As long as you're polite (a simple 'sorry but I'm not interested' seems reasonable to me), overreacting like that is basically being a prick to shield his ego. These guys are part of the problem, not your responses...

    If you want to look at it in another, slightly more benevolent way, this guy has just had a knock to his confidence, no matter how you put it, finding out someone you plucked up the courage to approach has no interest can be difficult, and you can help with this. How? By being the villain of course! If you become the villain, the mean nasty women who takes obscene pleasure in knocking back 'nice guys' like him.

    Personally, I'd lean toward the first paragraph's point of view...


    You're rights are not the point of the thread though. The point is that the particular dating scene we have in this country is difficult and frought with danger of heartbreak and disrespect.

    I do agree that the dating scene here is far from evolved. Protecting yourself, no matter where you stand is important. I think attack as a form of defense is cynical and a big step backwards in all cases.


  • #55
    Maguined
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    cocoa wrote: »
    Simple answer : these young men really ain't so nice ;) As long as you're polite (a simple 'sorry but I'm not interested' seems reasonable to me), overreacting like that is basically being a prick to shield his ego. These guys are part of the problem, not your responses...

    If you want to look at it in another, slightly more benevolent way, this guy has just had a knock to his confidence, no matter how you put it, finding out someone you plucked up the courage to approach has no interest can be difficult, and you can help with this. How? By being the villain of course! If you become the villain, the mean nasty women who takes obscene pleasure in knocking back 'nice guys' like him.

    Personally, I'd lean toward the first paragraph's point of view...

    Agree totally with cocoa, a genuine nice guy gets told "I'm sorry but I'm not interested" and they either accept it and respond politely and move on as their intention for the night is to look for someone interested, or else they respond politely asking is it okay if they continue chatting as they are not interesting in trying to hook up but merely chat away.

    Neither of the previous two examples were polite responses so I would not classify either guy as a genuinely nice guy.

    As long as a woman (or man) politely tells someone they are not interested then they cannot be held responsible for the other persons reactions, they have done nothing wrong and it shows immaturity on the man's (or woman's) behalf if they cannot accept a polite response and have to respond with nasty comments.


  • #56
    Maguined
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    cantdecide wrote: »
    You're rights are not the point of the thread though. The point is that the particular dating scene we have in this country is difficult and frought with danger of heartbreak and disrespect.

    I do agree that the dating scene here is far from evolved. Protecting yourself, no matter where you stand is important. I think attack as a form of defense is cynical and a big step backwards in all cases.

    People are posting saying getting rejected is a horrible thing and that the women that do it are being unfair, the point is there is no fairness. Getting rejected is not a big deal and warrants no more than 3 seconds of your life to laugh it off and walk away but it is being built up into a big deal and complaints that women should have to approach guys more often which is nonsense.

    If I approach a woman in a pub/club and she rejects me rudely there is no heartbreak, I don't even know the girl, there is disrespect sure, but you get that everywhere in life, a woman stood on my foot as she skipped past me in the queue to get onto the bus ahead of me this morning, that was disrespectful and rude but its not a big deal, and it is not worthy of lamenting over any more than if a woman rejects you in bar.

    It's simply not a big deal.


  • #57
    cantdecide
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,363 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    Personally, I'm VERY thick-skinned. Call me an idealist but my point is that it's a shame that I have to be so.

    As a t-totaller, I suppose I don't 'amend' my behaviour in pub/ club environments. In the 'real world', I'll try to chat and strike up with conversation with people. I like chatting with people.

    I was in a situation where I began chatting with a 'nice' girl recently in a pub. I didn't approach her, she was just kind of there and I said hello. She was a little rude and dismissive and I got over it and moved on. She turned out to my housemate's best mate from college. Poor her, she was embarassed and I wasn't.

    Basics, kids! Always be mannerly and you'll never be too far off the mark.


  • #58
    Maguined
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    cantdecide wrote: »
    Personally, I'm VERY thick-skinned. Call me an idealist but my point is that it's a shame that I have to be so.

    As a t-totaller, I suppose I don't 'amend' my behaviour in pub/ club environments. In the 'real world', I'll try to chat and strike up with conversation with people. I like chatting with people.

    I was in a situation where I began chatting with a 'nice' girl recently in a pub. I didn't approach her, she was just kind of there and I said hello. She was a little rude and dismissive and I got over it and moved on. She turned out to my housemate's best mate from college. Poor her, she was embarassed and I wasn't.

    Basics, kids! Always be mannerly and you'll never be too far off the mark.

    I agree it's a shame not everyone is a nice as they could be in the world, but it really comes down to the maturity of people dealing with not nice people.

    You acted maturely, even if you just said hello to her, this is still technically approaching her even if only for a chat, she acted dismissive and rude but you got over it and moved on which was the mature thing to do. It's the people that don't get over it that are immature, they either last out with a nasty comment back, or some just walk away but let it gnaw at them all night and some let it affect their chances of approaching anyone else that night. All of which shows they are not maturely dealing with a situation they should be able to handle.

    If a waiter is rude to you in a restaurant you might not want to go back to that restaurant but you don't let it stop you from going to any other restaurant!


  • #59
    Elle Collins
    Closed Accounts Posts: 681 ✭✭✭Elle Collins


    milli milli wrote: »
    You directly responded to my question by saying "There's no onus on me to chat to men I don't know."

    That's right. There isn't.
    milli milli wrote: »
    You say you will be polite if he's polite but you first said there was no onus on you to chat to men you don't know. It's either one thing or the other?

    It's both. It is perfectly possible to be polite without being drawn into a protracted conversation you know!


  • #60
    Scanlas The 2nd
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,144 ✭✭✭Scanlas The 2nd


    milli milli wrote: »
    You directly responded to my question by saying "There's no onus on me to chat to men I don't know."
    You say you will be polite if he's polite but you first said there was no onus on you to chat to men you don't know. It's either one thing or the other?

    The whole point of manners and politeness is for mutual benefit of the group. If manners allow you to force your way into a conversation with someone who doesn't want to talk to you it's not mutually beneficial. One person must suffer to allow another a conversation. So refusing to enter into a conversation does not make you impolite.


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  • #61
    cantdecide
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,363 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »
    ...So refusing to enter into a conversation does not make you impolite...

    Politeness is gently exiting a conversation you do not wish to participate in, IMO.


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