Wife wants me to see married woman for nsa

OP…..you are writing about my marriage. My big piece of advice is don’t do it…..don’t don’t don’t. I can’t emphasise this enough…..DO NOT sleep with somebody else. However its not for any catholic guilt or sanctity of marriage reasons, but to ensure you retain your self respect.

This is only the second time I’ll have told my story outside of a counsellor’s office. I apologise for the length in advance.

Like you I was married to a woman with little interest in sex. Even before the wedding it was only ok…..frequent enough not to be a major issue – although I had raised it several times. However afterwards it dwindled to maybe twice a month if I was really lucky or there was some social event (and holidays were as you say –different). My libido would be more like 3-4 times a week, and even when we did it was always a one-time deal – which simply added to the frustration when you knew that this was it for another month.

Much the same reasons too – always something else to do, tiredness, stress, up early etc – can’t ‘play’ after dinner because dishes needed to be done, I want to read this chapter etc etc etc. Any excuse possible. Again as with you, when we did make love she enjoyed it and came each time, but not once in 10 years did she initiate sex. You try everything you think of, nice nights out, romantic gestures etc, not putting any pressure on, stop asking – hoping that she will realise she wants you as much as you want her. When I raised it I was told that we were ‘normal’ (she’d spoken to her friends!!), which implied that I was abnormal for wanting it more.

Only someone who has been in that situation can understand the crushing damage that can be done to your self-esteem. You question everything and assume it must be you, you’re doing something wrong, you’re not attractive, you’re a deviant– it doesn’t matter what reassurance you get or how stupid your thought process – there has to be a reason, and if you’re the only one with the problem then it must be you. I even when to counselling for my ‘problem’!!

A typical evening ends with you in bed beside your wife, stroking her back or her legs as she reads a book, basically ignoring you, each page turn another cut to your psyche, until she closes the book, says goodnight, turns out the light and rolls away –and you’re left looking at the ceiling, contemplating your own inadequacy and facing the realisation what this what your life will be like for the next 40 years. And if its like this now when its just two young people in their 30’s – what will it be like if by some miracle children arrive? How ‘tired’ will she be then??

And the real kicker is that outside this aspect everything else is great, you get on, are great friends, and you are still mad about her – to the outside world it’s a perfect marriage – all the while you’re being eaten up from the inside.

I get the sense you aren’t quite at this point yet OP – so now is the time to act. Do not let it drag on any further – get her to realise how serious this is and to attend counselling with you (if that’s what you want). Because things can only go downhill from here –I’m afraid she will not change of her own accord, because she would have by now if she wanted to.

In my case I let it carry on and it gets to the stage where you are dreading going to bed, and manage to find any excuse to stay up until she’s asleep, as its easier to pretend that things would have been different tonight if only you weren’t so busy.

And then the inevitable. I ended up sleeping with a good (married) friend who knew elements of what has happening, but obviously not the whole story. And then a second time. To me, cheating on a partner was always the worse thing that you could do in a relationship – and now the realisation that I was now one of ‘them’, a cheater, just killed me inside. Whatever about it happening once by accident (for the purposes of this thread we’ll bypass the concept of sleeping with someone by accident!:)) where you can rationalise that it was only once and it won’t happen again, the realisation that I was capable of such deceit as to arrange to meet another woman hoping for sex went against all I ever believed in. The phrase ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ now applied to me – and the self-loathing became overwhelming.

What I discovered was that while the sex was good – its not actually what you’re after. It’s the intimacy that comes with making love to somebody that is the real deal, and that while a physical need was sated – the psychological wasn’t. And this is where I think you and your wife need to realise the issue is. Because a marriage without sex and associated intimacy is not a marriage – you are merely housemates that share a bed.

I’m telling you this so that you can try to avoid the fate of my marriage. We went to counselling after I insisted that things had to change, and while I didn’t initially confess to my infidelity, once I did, what had been ‘our problem’ became ‘his fault’, and there was no way back for us.

Now perhaps the final outcome would have been the same and we would have split up anyway – but the way it was dealt with was all wrong. To have addressed the issue before it got to the stage of a third party being involved would have eliminated a lot of heartache on both sides, and prevented me from breaking values that I still believe in.

In my case, It took a long time (and a lot of counselling) for me to accept that my actions were something that happened, but do not define who I am. And if I’m honest, it still niggles at me on occasion that I actually committed such a deed. I’m not looking for sympathy or offering excuses – it should not have happened. Full stop, no excuses. Things can be explained away in many ways – but there are right ways and a wrong ways to deal with every situation - and I dealt with mine in a particularly wrong way. Don’t make the same mistakes.

I sense that you are much the same as I was, and that you don’t merely want sex – you want sex with your wife. The fact that you realise there’s a serious problem and that you have discussed it is good. Don’t ruin it all by meaningless sex with someone else, causing you to lose your self-respect and potentially falling into the black hole that I did. If you sleep with someone else then you have accepted that your wife’s attitude is acceptable. Its not, and I don’t think having permission would ease the pain much.

Go to counselling, exhaust that avenue, and be prepared to accept that for your own good it may be necessary to walk away. Do you want to be in the same position in 10 years?

I’ve written a lot here – but I hope that it gives you an idea of where things could go if it isn’t dealt with at an early stage – I would hate anybody to feel like I did on the nights I lay there in the dark, and then how I felt having become an ‘adulterer’. It may also give people who see things in black and white an idea of the greyness that life can throw up.

Deal with it now – just the two of you – be totally honest and be prepared to make the tough decisions.

I wish you luck.

If she is not even willing to be intimate, then I think that the marriage is over, and you are best leaving. Otherwise you will end up hating her for denying you this essential act.

As Corkblowin said, if this continues, then you will be two housemates sharing a bed. You will not be husband and wife.

Hi OP,
I know it's not nice to hear about the woman you love but she is being very selfish. If you were ok with (very) sporadic sex than ok but you are not. You need to have sex and you got married with that in mind.

Just the fact that she is not willing to try and counsel is really a shocker here. I mean there can be all sorts of reasons for dimished libido but only an eploration of feelings and attitudes can change that. In fact if she was willing to try in a few years she may well remove that block and be jumping on you for sex!!.

Love comes in many guises but sex is an integral part of any relationship. otherwise you are just good mates.

BEst of Luck OP,
Hope it works out for you.

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys.

Dont get me wrong we are intimate but not involving sex (if that makes sence). We kiss and cuddle and in general have a great time together, no matter what we are doing, be it house work, gardening, going out, holidays, we have similar interests in movies, music etc.. The list goes on.

We both think that we are perfect for each other in every way except for the sex issue. Im not some1 who wants it every night, but once or twice a week (or month) would be fine for me.

She has again said to me this mornin that its fine if I want to meet some1 for nsa. I keep telling her that its her that I want but its no use. So she said to find some1 and not talk about it anymore.....

Is it possible to meet some1 for sex alone? Im out of the dating game for so long I dont know whats the story.

You have to convince her it's not the physical act of sex you're after , but a fulfilling of your intimacy with her.

You, as a couple, need counselling.

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

She has again said to me this mornin that its fine if I want to meet some1 for nsa. I keep telling her that its her that I want but its no use. So she said to find some1 and not talk about it anymore.....

Look, there comes a time when you need to realise that if you cannot change the other person and you cannot arrange a compromise, it's over.

A marriage without sex is no marriage at all unless both parties entered the marriage with that agreement. Sex is not the be-all and end-all and all couples go through their dry spells and rocky periods, but sexual intimacy is an essential part of any healthy marriage. Kissing and cuddling is not enough.

Is it possible to meet some1 for sex alone? Im out of the dating game for so long I dont know whats the story.

Go back and read Corkblowin's post.

Meeting someone else for sex is an attempt to paper over the cracks. If it was sexual release you were looking for, then merely knocking one out while looking at porn would be release enough. But it's not. You're looking for intimacy - that personal bonding you can only get through the sexual act.
Finding a stranger for no-strings-attached sex will just be an elaborate form of masturbation. You'll feel good but it won't scratch the itch properly.

It will also add all sorts of complications into an already messy scenario. What happens if you find a woman who's crazy about you, gives you sex in every which way and talks to you personally after the act? Will you be content to just meet her for sex or will you find yourself going out to dinner with her, going on dates with her because you enjoy her company? Before you know it you're in love with both a wife and a girlfriend and you're head is way more screwed up than it already is.

It takes a certain kind of person to maintain a NSA sexual relationship without getting feelings involved. The fact that you're currently holding onto a relationship despite the lack of sex tells me that you're probably not that kind of person.

I think it's ultimatum time tbh. Tell her that you don't want sex - you want her. And unless she's willing to get help with it, then you have to leave. Now is more important than in ten years time when you're older, with more financial ties and quite possibly children.

your posts have an air of flippancy that i cant quite understand. is her suggestion appealing to you? have you considered the feelings of the person you are potentially bringing into this scenario? sex is incredibly intimate and one or other of you may develop feelings. what then?

i have to say i really feel for you. this woman is being incredibly unfair and her suggestion is quite hurtful. her whole attitude that you go find sex elsewhere and case closed is incredibly naive...