Wife wants me to see married woman for nsa

Gaillimh Abu!!

All advice welcome!!!!

I am a 30 yr old married male, married for 4 yrs and I love my wife. The thing is we make love about 5-6 times a year if im lucky. Last yr we made love 5 times and three of those times were on holidays one weekend (I thought all my birthdays had come at once that w/end!!!!). I have tried everything to get her interested in making more of an effort, such as weekends to London, Barca, Dublin. I have tried not even mentioning the word sex for over 3months last year, but still no good. I have tried talking about it not talking about it. Surprise wends away, nights out, always doing absolutely everything around the house, spoiling her all the time. But still no luck for me…

She says that she loves it when we do it but cant be bothered most (or all) of the time. She is lazy when it comes to it and says its to cold, to hot, shes to tired, has house work to do ….. the list goes on…. I love her so much but we never make love and its starting to take its toll on me!!! All I would like is some sex even once a month or so. She loves cuddles and hugs and we are very close in every other way. Before we got married we were at it like rabbits, but since marriage its all but gone.

We are both very fit and have been told we are a very good looking couple (Id rather be a ugly mug & have sex tho!!!) and have jobs. Money is a bit tight but not to bad. I have also suggested counselling but to no avail… She said that she doesn’t mind me going to a other woman for nsa sex (especially a married woman) as long as I come home and not be bothering her for sex…
Heres my questions… Are many couples in a similar position?
And is it possible to have nsa sex with a woman especially a married woman?
Or should I give up on my sex life altogether?
Sorry about the long post….

dr.bollocko

Moved from after hours.

Gaillimh Abu!!

I thought that myself for a while, but I know for a fact that she isnt.
As bad as this sounds, if she was then i would understand her reason for not havin sex and go and do it myself and not feel guilty...

Oryx

Sort out the real reason for this before you decide to involve sex with someone else. You really dont want that complicating your marriage. It would be a short term fix but could be a long term marriage wrecker.

It is possible to love and be married to someone, and not want them sexually. Or your wife could be afraid of pregnancy, or be on medication which is lowering her libido. Worries about work/money/family, unrelated to sex, could be occupying her mind and stopping her wanting it. This is all stuff we cant know, but you can look at and ask her about.

You both need to be brutally honest right now, to the point that you risk what you have. But this issue is not something that will go away, and with two people wanting completely different things from each other, its something you need to resolve, or youre in trouble anyway.

Dont use someone else to replace the sexual part of your marriage. Chances are it will get complicated emotionally, its rarely as clean cut as you imagine it should be.

Micky Dolenz

Sounds like ye need help. Would she get herself checked out medically to see if she has some hormone imbalance or some other physical factor.

Communication is key as you are far too young to have a sex less marriage,.

Good luck.

Ickle Magoo

I think if you aren't happy with the status quo then you have to tell your wife that and demand she join you at counselling to sort it out, certainly if you want sex with your wife then don't let yourself be palmed off to having to arrange NSA sex with other people - she has to understand those are not your only options.

Were it me, my partner not finding me sexually attractive would be devastating both for our relationship and for my self-esteem. Going off and scratching the itch with someone else won't change the fact the person you love and want to be with doesn't want to have sex with you and doesn't find you irresistible - which has the potential to destroy your marriage regardless of third party involvement.

All the best.

Cheap Thrills!

In my opinion it's the wife that's destroyed the marriage with her withholding of sex and refusal to do anything about it.

OP, she could be gay or asexual.

Regardless, she had no business entering into a marriage if she knew she was going to suddenly withhold sex as soon as the ink was dry.

That is emotional fraud. I would view it that she's broken the marriage contract firstly by concealing a material fact from you before the marriage (she obviously pretended everything was normal and then revealed the problem as soon as you were trapped)and secondly by refusing to go to counselling or sort out the problem.

Your choices seem stark here:

1. Face a life without sex

2. Break up and find someone less manipulative and selfish.

metrovelvet

Sometimes familiarity makes eros flee.

And it turns into brother and sister where there is affection and love but none of that va va voom.

I have been in your wife's shoes when I have gotten completely bored but dont want to face the hassle of breaking a bond and the potential heartbreak of all that. So I have said, I dont mind if you sleep with other women [subtext: as long as you stay off my case about it]. Ive done this a couple of times [I was never married though] and it never went down well with the men in question tbh, but Im guessing this is where your wife is right now.

I have my own solutions for this now as I know my nature and what I would need to do as a preventative measure for this, but I have no idea what you do to get back to what you were before it turned sibling. I dont know if in honesty you can.

IrishEyes19

I think the issue is more than just physical, Id understand if there were reasons why she isnt wanting to have sex anymore, as other posters said it could be medical reasons, but the fact that she's totally ok with her husband to go and have sex with another married woman just as long as he no longer bothers her for sex is not a good sign.

Corkblowin

OP…..you are writing about my marriage. My big piece of advice is don’t do it…..don’t don’t don’t. I can’t emphasise this enough…..DO NOT sleep with somebody else. However its not for any catholic guilt or sanctity of marriage reasons, but to ensure you retain your self respect.

This is only the second time I’ll have told my story outside of a counsellor’s office. I apologise for the length in advance.

Like you I was married to a woman with little interest in sex. Even before the wedding it was only ok…..frequent enough not to be a major issue – although I had raised it several times. However afterwards it dwindled to maybe twice a month if I was really lucky or there was some social event (and holidays were as you say –different). My libido would be more like 3-4 times a week, and even when we did it was always a one-time deal – which simply added to the frustration when you knew that this was it for another month.

Much the same reasons too – always something else to do, tiredness, stress, up early etc – can’t ‘play’ after dinner because dishes needed to be done, I want to read this chapter etc etc etc. Any excuse possible. Again as with you, when we did make love she enjoyed it and came each time, but not once in 10 years did she initiate sex. You try everything you think of, nice nights out, romantic gestures etc, not putting any pressure on, stop asking – hoping that she will realise she wants you as much as you want her. When I raised it I was told that we were ‘normal’ (she’d spoken to her friends!!), which implied that I was abnormal for wanting it more.

Only someone who has been in that situation can understand the crushing damage that can be done to your self-esteem. You question everything and assume it must be you, you’re doing something wrong, you’re not attractive, you’re a deviant– it doesn’t matter what reassurance you get or how stupid your thought process – there has to be a reason, and if you’re the only one with the problem then it must be you. I even when to counselling for my ‘problem’!!

A typical evening ends with you in bed beside your wife, stroking her back or her legs as she reads a book, basically ignoring you, each page turn another cut to your psyche, until she closes the book, says goodnight, turns out the light and rolls away –and you’re left looking at the ceiling, contemplating your own inadequacy and facing the realisation what this what your life will be like for the next 40 years. And if its like this now when its just two young people in their 30’s – what will it be like if by some miracle children arrive? How ‘tired’ will she be then??

And the real kicker is that outside this aspect everything else is great, you get on, are great friends, and you are still mad about her – to the outside world it’s a perfect marriage – all the while you’re being eaten up from the inside.

I get the sense you aren’t quite at this point yet OP – so now is the time to act. Do not let it drag on any further – get her to realise how serious this is and to attend counselling with you (if that’s what you want). Because things can only go downhill from here –I’m afraid she will not change of her own accord, because she would have by now if she wanted to.

In my case I let it carry on and it gets to the stage where you are dreading going to bed, and manage to find any excuse to stay up until she’s asleep, as its easier to pretend that things would have been different tonight if only you weren’t so busy.

And then the inevitable. I ended up sleeping with a good (married) friend who knew elements of what has happening, but obviously not the whole story. And then a second time. To me, cheating on a partner was always the worse thing that you could do in a relationship – and now the realisation that I was now one of ‘them’, a cheater, just killed me inside. Whatever about it happening once by accident (for the purposes of this thread we’ll bypass the concept of sleeping with someone by accident!:)) where you can rationalise that it was only once and it won’t happen again, the realisation that I was capable of such deceit as to arrange to meet another woman hoping for sex went against all I ever believed in. The phrase ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ now applied to me – and the self-loathing became overwhelming.

What I discovered was that while the sex was good – its not actually what you’re after. It’s the intimacy that comes with making love to somebody that is the real deal, and that while a physical need was sated – the psychological wasn’t. And this is where I think you and your wife need to realise the issue is. Because a marriage without sex and associated intimacy is not a marriage – you are merely housemates that share a bed.

I’m telling you this so that you can try to avoid the fate of my marriage. We went to counselling after I insisted that things had to change, and while I didn’t initially confess to my infidelity, once I did, what had been ‘our problem’ became ‘his fault’, and there was no way back for us.

Now perhaps the final outcome would have been the same and we would have split up anyway – but the way it was dealt with was all wrong. To have addressed the issue before it got to the stage of a third party being involved would have eliminated a lot of heartache on both sides, and prevented me from breaking values that I still believe in.

In my case, It took a long time (and a lot of counselling) for me to accept that my actions were something that happened, but do not define who I am. And if I’m honest, it still niggles at me on occasion that I actually committed such a deed. I’m not looking for sympathy or offering excuses – it should not have happened. Full stop, no excuses. Things can be explained away in many ways – but there are right ways and a wrong ways to deal with every situation - and I dealt with mine in a particularly wrong way. Don’t make the same mistakes.

I sense that you are much the same as I was, and that you don’t merely want sex – you want sex with your wife. The fact that you realise there’s a serious problem and that you have discussed it is good. Don’t ruin it all by meaningless sex with someone else, causing you to lose your self-respect and potentially falling into the black hole that I did. If you sleep with someone else then you have accepted that your wife’s attitude is acceptable. Its not, and I don’t think having permission would ease the pain much.

Go to counselling, exhaust that avenue, and be prepared to accept that for your own good it may be necessary to walk away. Do you want to be in the same position in 10 years?

I’ve written a lot here – but I hope that it gives you an idea of where things could go if it isn’t dealt with at an early stage – I would hate anybody to feel like I did on the nights I lay there in the dark, and then how I felt having become an ‘adulterer’. It may also give people who see things in black and white an idea of the greyness that life can throw up.

Deal with it now – just the two of you – be totally honest and be prepared to make the tough decisions.

I wish you luck.

LegacyUser

I've been reading posts on Boards for a long time and I have to say that the post by Corkblowin is the best response I have ever read to a problem on this site! And to prevent my post appearing as if it's not contributing to the thread I'd like to say that I agree with everything Corkblowin has written, a remarkably helpful and honest post!

Gaillimh Abu!!

thanks for all the replys..
I have suggested conselling on a number of ocassions. I have tried everything that I can think of.

I think that im doomed to a sexless marriage. As I mentioned previously, we get on brilliant in every other way. She loves cuddles and kissing but it stops there. Just when im gagging for it!!

Just last night she again said that she doesnt mind me seenin a woman for sex as long as its not a prostitute. She even said that she doesnt mind me seenin her once or twice a week as long as I dont mention it to her, and that she thinks that this would "get over my needs".


So she said that its ok for me to go and look for a sex buddy when ever I want to. I told her that im not interested in that and wouldnt even know where to start... but she said that my options are no sex at home or some sex by meeting a woman...

Ladies some of ye are strange creatures!!! ;-)

IrishEyes19

Why should you be doomed though, OP?? You may love her but she sounds terribly selfish from what you have said here. What loving wife tells her husband its ok for him to sleep with another woman as long as it isn't a prostitute and giving you an two options, no sex, or sex with someone else. Its horrendous. My advice would be to leave and find some chance of happiness elsewhere. It doesn't sound like this situation is ever going to change. If she refuses counselling, I'm pretty sure your wife is resolute on the decision she has made. She has laid down the line here on what she wants. I think you should do the same, and think of seperating for a while, at least until you can figure out what is best.

dudara

If she is not even willing to be intimate, then I think that the marriage is over, and you are best leaving. Otherwise you will end up hating her for denying you this essential act.

As Corkblowin said, if this continues, then you will be two housemates sharing a bed. You will not be husband and wife.

LegacyUser

OP, your wife, as was pointed out by others, needs to see you are looking to be intimate with her, and her alone. She has a mindset that you are simply looking for sexual gratification. It does seem she simply accommodates you a couple of times a year, to let you "flush your pipes". That is no good for you and no good for your relationship.

Whatever she wants from life, she certainly is not sharing it with you, she's a single woman in the comfort of a cosy set-up. She needs to make a stand and decide if she wants a marriage or just a platonic relationship. OP, you have made your wants clear, and they are perfectly reasonable.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I know it's not nice to hear about the woman you love but she is being very selfish. If you were ok with (very) sporadic sex than ok but you are not. You need to have sex and you got married with that in mind.

Just the fact that she is not willing to try and counsel is really a shocker here. I mean there can be all sorts of reasons for dimished libido but only an eploration of feelings and attitudes can change that. In fact if she was willing to try in a few years she may well remove that block and be jumping on you for sex!!.

Love comes in many guises but sex is an integral part of any relationship. otherwise you are just good mates.

BEst of Luck OP,
Hope it works out for you.

Gaillimh Abu!!

Thanks for all the advice guys.

Dont get me wrong we are intimate but not involving sex (if that makes sence). We kiss and cuddle and in general have a great time together, no matter what we are doing, be it house work, gardening, going out, holidays, we have similar interests in movies, music etc.. The list goes on.

We both think that we are perfect for each other in every way except for the sex issue. Im not some1 who wants it every night, but once or twice a week (or month) would be fine for me.

She has again said to me this mornin that its fine if I want to meet some1 for nsa. I keep telling her that its her that I want but its no use. So she said to find some1 and not talk about it anymore.....

Is it possible to meet some1 for sex alone? Im out of the dating game for so long I dont know whats the story.

LegacyUser

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys.

Dont get me wrong we are intimate but not involving sex (if that makes sence). We kiss and cuddle and in general have a great time together, no matter what we are doing, be it house work, gardening, going out, holidays, we have similar interests in movies, music etc.. The list goes on.

We both think that we are perfect for each other in every way except for the sex issue. Im not some1 who wants it every night, but once or twice a week (or month) would be fine for me.

She has again said to me this mornin that its fine if I want to meet some1 for nsa. I keep telling her that its her that I want but its no use. So she said to find some1 and not talk about it anymore.....

Is it possible to meet some1 for sex alone? Im out of the dating game for so long I dont know whats the story.

You have to convince her it's not the physical act of sex you're after , but a fulfilling of your intimacy with her.

You, as a couple, need counselling.

metrovelvet

Ok, you cant ask her to have sex when she doesnt want to have sex. Whats she supposed to do, force herself?

But.... she cant ask you to do a mind body split either. It is a painful and terrible feeling to be around someone you love and have to sit on your feelings like that and know they cant be reciprocated. She cant ask you to live a split life like that either.

To be blunt I think you have hit a dead end,

seamus

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

She has again said to me this mornin that its fine if I want to meet some1 for nsa. I keep telling her that its her that I want but its no use. So she said to find some1 and not talk about it anymore.....

Look, there comes a time when you need to realise that if you cannot change the other person and you cannot arrange a compromise, it's over.

A marriage without sex is no marriage at all unless both parties entered the marriage with that agreement. Sex is not the be-all and end-all and all couples go through their dry spells and rocky periods, but sexual intimacy is an essential part of any healthy marriage. Kissing and cuddling is not enough.

Is it possible to meet some1 for sex alone? Im out of the dating game for so long I dont know whats the story.

Go back and read Corkblowin's post.

Meeting someone else for sex is an attempt to paper over the cracks. If it was sexual release you were looking for, then merely knocking one out while looking at porn would be release enough. But it's not. You're looking for intimacy - that personal bonding you can only get through the sexual act.
Finding a stranger for no-strings-attached sex will just be an elaborate form of masturbation. You'll feel good but it won't scratch the itch properly.

It will also add all sorts of complications into an already messy scenario. What happens if you find a woman who's crazy about you, gives you sex in every which way and talks to you personally after the act? Will you be content to just meet her for sex or will you find yourself going out to dinner with her, going on dates with her because you enjoy her company? Before you know it you're in love with both a wife and a girlfriend and you're head is way more screwed up than it already is.

It takes a certain kind of person to maintain a NSA sexual relationship without getting feelings involved. The fact that you're currently holding onto a relationship despite the lack of sex tells me that you're probably not that kind of person.

I think it's ultimatum time tbh. Tell her that you don't want sex - you want her. And unless she's willing to get help with it, then you have to leave. Now is more important than in ten years time when you're older, with more financial ties and quite possibly children.

liah

Was she previously or is she currently on the pill?

If so, the pill is known to affect what a woman wants in a partner and the type of person she is attracted to due to her changing hormones and has been the guilty party in putting an awful lot of relationships on the rocks. It may be worth looking into.

LegacyUser

your posts have an air of flippancy that i cant quite understand. is her suggestion appealing to you? have you considered the feelings of the person you are potentially bringing into this scenario? sex is incredibly intimate and one or other of you may develop feelings. what then?

i have to say i really feel for you. this woman is being incredibly unfair and her suggestion is quite hurtful. her whole attitude that you go find sex elsewhere and case closed is incredibly naive...

Gaillimh Abu!!

Yes she was previously on the pill, but not now (no need to be).

Im reading some posts suggesting thats I should end it, but tbh we get on brilliant except for this 1 issue. I couldnt see myself ever wanting any1 else.

Yes I agree that sex is intimate but for me I would only be lookin for nsa and def nothin more. As I dont want anything else.

I wish I had a lower sex drive so we could get over this issue, but i dont so I cant do much about it.

liah

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Yes she was previously on the pill, but not now (no need to be).

Do you know when she went off the pill, and does it correlate to when she started being sexually distant?

Gaillimh Abu!!

she went off the pill about 2yrs ago, but she lost interest about a year and a half before that. So I dont think that it affected the situtation.

Faith

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Im reading some posts suggesting thats I should end it, but tbh we get on brilliant except for this 1 issue. I couldnt see myself ever wanting any1 else.

You're repeatedly missing the point. Lack of sex is not a small issue. It's a massive, massive issue. You're talking about having sex maybe 3 times a year for the rest of your life. If you live another 50 years, that 150 times you'll have sex between now and death. How does that sound?

You keep going on about how well you get on with each other. TBH that's irrelevant. The opposite situation would be someone saying "Well, we fight all the time and don't actually enjoy spending time together, but we've a great sex life so I'm going to stay with him/her forever, despite him/her making me fundamentally unhappy". My best friend is my soulmate, but I've no intention of marrying her.

You need to stop pretending that there's a way around this issue. There isn't. Unless the issue is resolved completely on both parts, there's a poor outcome for your future.

As an aside, I'd be extremely concerned about a partner repeatedly suggesting that I cheat on them. That's not normal.

seamus

The cynical advocate in me also says that if you've been the primary breadwinner up to now, then constant infidelity on your part will not be favourable to you in the event that your wife decides that she wants out of this relationship.

Whereas having made an attempt to solve your marital problems will.

Squiggler

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Yes I agree that sex is intimate but for me I would only be lookin for nsa and def nothin more. As I dont want anything else.

Put both hands in front of you, choose the one you find most attractive. Problem solved.

There is no such thing as nsa. As someone else already said sex without intimacy is just elaborate masturbation, and likely to be less fullfilling too. A regular sex partner won't work, one of you is guaranteed to develop feelings.

Gaillimh Abu!!

"Squiggler" masturbation may work for some people but not for me. I dont fancy being my own nsa for the next 40 yrs.........

I dont think that there are many women (married or not) out there who are only after nsa anyway. So I am prob waisting my time.

Squiggler

Sorry if that was glib. But what I was trying to get across is that there is no difference between nsa and masturbation, aside from the fact that nsa is considerably more likely to result in you contracting an STI.

If there does start to be a difference it is no longer nsa, it is an affair and someone is going to get hurt.

If you can't live with sex only a few times a year, and your wife is not willing to have sex with you more often you really don't have many options. But don't fool yourself that you can have sex with women, or a woman, other than your wife without anyone getting hurt. It doesn't work that way.

Edited to add: My husband has a much higher sex drive than I do, especially now that I'm 8 months pregnant. Because I love him I make sure that his sexual needs aren't neglected, and not by buying him a porn subscription or suggesting he find someone else. It is a part of marriage and the relationship you describe, while very cosy, sounds more like close friendship, or even a brother-sister relationship, than a marriage.

greenprincess

ok maybe i am a dump ass but what is a NSA?

blackbird98

greenprincess wrote: »

ok maybe i am a dump ass but what is a NSA?

No strings Attached. sex without any commitments

greenprincess

blackbird98 wrote: »

No strings Attached. sex without any commitments

Thanks very much I figured it was something like that but wasnt sure!

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think she loves you. She's just in denial and can't be arsed getting out of the marriage.

If she did love you she'd get counselling and see if things would change. Though here's the sting in the tail - counselling would probably lead to her clearing her head and end the marriage.

You're basically being used here. She likes the status and current lifestyle but that's it.

LegacyUser

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

All advice welcome!!!!

….

going unreg for this

If you love your wife that much, then forget about NSA sex, for a while anyway. I was in a very similar situation for a good few years, but back on track now, everything perfect.

The underlying problem with my wife was a mixture of depression, lack of self esteem, and some (unfounded) medical worries. My wife used to tell me the same thing, find somebody else, etc

It took a lot of time and work, and professional help, to help her get over it, but we've come through it, and are now married for 28 years!!

Too many people are inclined to just run away from it nowadays, this can be seen in some of the replies telling you how selfish she is, marriage is no good without sex, etc, etc.

If you feel your marriage is that good, then it's worth fighting for. If you have children, it is quite possible that she could be suffering from pn depression.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you can sort it out

Gaillimh Abu!!

Mr Tuppance, I hear what your sayin. I want to hold on for as long as it takes. Its just that 4years of little or no sex is killing me.

Its just that when we are out she pretends to her friends that we have a great sex life and jokes about it and everything and everybody sees us as being perfect. Two of her friends have made strong passes at me in the last 2-3 months. She doesnt know anything about it and I would never be with any1 of her friends anyway.

One of her friends (our bridesmaid) came over to our hse when my wife was at her mums hse a few weeks and all but jumped on me after a drink. I got a bit angry with her and made it clear that nothing would ever happen between us (even tho i wanted to jump on her I was so frustrated and she is very good looking). She begged me not to say anything to my oh and said she felt terrible about what she was trying to do.

In a way afterwards I was proud of myself for sayin no, but also even more frustrated afterwards...

Taltos

OP - it really does sound like you are living a lie.

Few options
1. Continue as you are - and crack up
2. Agree to her suggestion - and accept the risk that you may well fall for one of these women - who if married - could result in 2 marriages hitting the rocks.
3. Spell it out for her - counselling/doctor - whatever or it is over.
4. Leave - if this only happened after you got married - I would feel personally that I had been lied to by the woman I thought was as crazy about me as I was about her.

Her lack of will to try to sort this out says a hell of a lot about her to be honest. While you cannot force her to have sex - she cannot force you to not to want sex with her - your wife.

Personally the next time she pretends to someone that you have a great sex life I would call her bluff - it might help her see sense if she comes to see how unreasonable she is being. Until she goes for help you will never know if it is in her head or some physical issue or if in fact she just was never really into you that way and just wants a companion/carer to while away the lonely hours...

LegacyUser

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

In a way afterwards I was proud of myself for sayin no, s...

and so you should be, especially when it's offered up to you, well done. It's not going to be easy, nor is it going to happen overnight. you've heard two different responses from people who have had the same problem........my marriage survived, unfortunately the other poster's didn't.

It took us over 8 years to sort it out, but we went on to have another child after, with a substantial age gap from her siblings, but it was well worth it.

All i can say is, if you want to save it, then ignore all the other comments about she doesn't love you, she's selfish etc, only somebody who has been there knows that there are many reasons for this behaviour. For what it's worth, your wife may be suffering from depression, but does not realise it, nor recognise it.

blackbird98

Taltos wrote: »

Her lack of will to try to sort this out says a hell of a lot about her to be honest......

Personally the next time she pretends to someone that you have a great sex life I would call her bluff -

IMHO, I don't agree, her lack of will to sort this out could be down to depression, embarrassment, etc. People with depression can often ignore an issue indefinitely, hoping it will go away.

I would not embarrass her in public by calling her bluff, this would only add to the mental pain and anxiety which she could already be suffering, and make things even worse.

Counselling would be the best option initially. If she won't hear of it, the OP could try talking to her doctor.

LegacyUser

One can only imagine what kid of woman the OP's wife wants him to get involved with?
Or does she care?

A few home truths to her buddies may also work, showing her for the liar she seems to be, in Public.

zxcvbnm1

Gong to see someone else for sex is definitely not a good idea.

It seems your wife may have issues that need to be resolved.

If she is genuinely happy for you to see someone else for sex without getting jealous then there is definitely something up on her side. That is not normal for a spouse.

And if it turns out she is unhappy with teh arrangement and only realises too late then iut can only cause problems.

Bottom line - avoid teh fling and instead try to get to the bottom of your wifes problems.

Neyite

I'm confused. Why does she want you to have sex with a married woman, specifically?

I think your wife is deluded to be honest - declining counselling, she has backtracked on everything that a marriage should be. She wants a sham marriage, but on her terms, no compromise in it for you. She want you to 'bother' someone else for sex, yet you cant choose anyone single or anyone she knows. I assume then, to keep the facade to her mates, you can never be open about seeing someone else. She lies to her friends that you are swinging from the lights.

She has serious issues and instead of confronting them, she is manipulating you into being complicit in them.

You do realise that if you go ahead with it, you will get spotted by someone that knows you coming out of a hotel or something with your NSA, y'think she is going to tell her mates 'oh no, hes not a cheating scumbag, I wont have sex with him so I told him to find it elsewhere' not a hope, she is going to continue to lie to her mates and make you out to be the dirty rotten cheating b*stard then.

I detest liars, I would be gone like a shot based on her ease of lying alone, but I'm not you.

Hope it works out for you

kraggy

My theory, and it's only a theory, is that she has been unfaithful and to make herself feel better, she is giving you permission to sleep with someone else.

In fact, I'd say she's HOPING you do just that so that she will have instant justification in her mind thus unburdening whatever guilt she is feeling.

Don't go off with anyone else whatever you do. If for some reason (e.g the above) you need to get a divorce from her in the future, her unwillingness to engage in sexual relations will be firm grounds.

aidan24326

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Yes she was previously on the pill, but not now (no need to be).

Im reading some posts suggesting thats I should end it, but tbh we get on brilliant except for this 1 issue. I couldnt see myself ever wanting any1 else.

It's not just one issue though and you need to see that. There are several issues at play here, her refusing to have sex with you being only one of them (and a massive issue it is).

There's her total unwillingness to compromise, her refusal to acknowledge there's a problem, her refusal to agree to counselling/medical assistance, the bizarre continued insistence that you go off with another woman, her hypocritical lies to her friends that your sex life is hot stuff etc etc

She has effectively reneged on your contract of marriage*, and if she won't agree to some compromise, or acknowledge there's a problem, your choices are simple but stark. Persist with a sexless marriage or admit to yourself that this marriage isn't what you signed up for, and that your wife is not the person you thought she was.


*Kraggy mentioned above about the whole divorce thing, well to the best of my knowledge, in the eyes of the law witholding sex over a long period of time can in some cases be grounds for annullment, not just divorce.

Zombrex

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

All advice welcome!!!!

I am a 30 yr old married male, married for 4 yrs and I love my wife. The thing is we make love about 5-6 times a year if im lucky. Last yr we made love 5 times and three of those times were on holidays one weekend (I thought all my birthdays had come at once that w/end!!!!). I have tried everything to get her interested in making more of an effort, such as weekends to London, Barca, Dublin. I have tried not even mentioning the word sex for over 3months last year, but still no good. I have tried talking about it not talking about it. Surprise wends away, nights out, always doing absolutely everything around the house, spoiling her all the time. But still no luck for me…

She says that she loves it when we do it but cant be bothered most (or all) of the time. She is lazy when it comes to it and says its to cold, to hot, shes to tired, has house work to do ….. the list goes on…. I love her so much but we never make love and its starting to take its toll on me!!! All I would like is some sex even once a month or so. She loves cuddles and hugs and we are very close in every other way. Before we got married we were at it like rabbits, but since marriage its all but gone.

We are both very fit and have been told we are a very good looking couple (Id rather be a ugly mug & have sex tho!!!) and have jobs. Money is a bit tight but not to bad. I have also suggested counselling but to no avail… She said that she doesn’t mind me going to a other woman for nsa sex (especially a married woman) as long as I come home and not be bothering her for sex…
Heres my questions… Are many couples in a similar position?
And is it possible to have nsa sex with a woman especially a married woman?
Or should I give up on my sex life altogether?
Sorry about the long post….

There is something wrong with your wife.

Sorry to be blunt, but that is the facts. She isn't alone, the most common reason Irish women go to councilors with sexual problems is either lack of sex drive or pain during sex.

I would guess your wife is suffering from one and or either of these I would say. If she hasn't been having affairs I think it is unlikely that it is anything to do with you.

Forget the sex with other women. At this stage you need to be demanding from your wife they she (or you together) explore the reasons why she doesn't have a sex drive with professionals.

Sex is the reason romantic relationships exist in the first place. If you aren't having sex you are just friends. We as humans have evolved to have major sexual drive to reproduce. If she doesn't have this then there is something wrong.

If she gives you the old "You just after one thing" line tell her to cop herself on (politely of course :pac:). Don't get dragged into feeling guilty for being the normal one in the relationship. I've gone through that and it is very frustrating as she can feel society justifies her position, but in reality she is the one with the issues not you. If anything you have demonstrated that how much you care by hardly ever having sex with her.

It is not normal that she is like this and she needs to look at the reasons she is, I would say there is something deep and personal going on with her, heck she told you to go have sex with other women rather than sex with her. That would demonstrate something serious going on.

I don't know what it is about Irish women (hang over of Catholic guilt perhaps) but she wouldn't be the only one who has serious issues with regard to sex. She needs to know that it isn't normal, but it is common and you can do something about it.

You also have to be prepared I guess for her simply refusing to deal with it. If it is some deep personal issue for her she may simply refuse to look at this. You can't make her, but you can leave and ultimately I think you have to if she isn't prepared to deal with this.