Broke from weddings

anniehoo · 16-01-2011 05:40PM

mrsdewinter wrote: »

Vases, bottles of prosecco... Remind me never to invite you peeps to my wedding.

Dont worry it doesnt sound like you'd be the type of person id be friends with to get an invite anyway.Shallow springs to mind...:rolleyes:

Common as... · 16-01-2011 05:48PM

parents =2
g-parents=3
bros 2 sisters1 their otherhalf = 6 plus they've 5 kids between them=11
8 close friends and their OH = 16
Total =32
my gf would be something similiar so in my case if would be around 60
But it can add up pretty quick thats why I said 80

cassid · 16-01-2011 06:09PM

got married in Rome, 20 members of our family came. We all spent 5 days in Rome and had a ball with everybody. Got married in a church and a posh reception & dinner in the a 5 star hotel. We paid for all the flights and asked for no gifts. Went on honeymoon travelling around Italy for 2 weeks. Pure BLiss:D

No hassle, did not cost too much and the occasion was about 2 people commiting to each other in a simple way.

16-01-2011 07:37PM

Common as... wrote: »

~Don't like starting drinking in the middle of day and yes! you have to

Sure isnt this the best thing about a wedding, starting on the beer at 12 o'clock in the day!!

I have to say I like weddings, I'm not at the stage where I have to go to many, less than one per year id say. The weddings Ive been have been great craic usually going on for 2 days too!

Personally I think 150 or 300 from a couple would be pretty much the minimum, I know its tough in these times but its a unwritten rule.

16-01-2011 08:01PM

Quincy Melted Toucan wrote: »

Sure isnt this the best thing about a wedding, starting on the beer at 12 o'clock in the day!!

I have to say I like weddings, I'm not at the stage where I have to go to many, less than one per year id say. The weddings Ive been have been great craic usually going on for 2 days too!

Personally I think 150 or 300 from a couple would be pretty much the minimum, I know its tough in these times but its a unwritten rule.

Are you mad

Kelda09 · 16-01-2011 08:23PM

I like weddings as well, but apart from anything else, It all depends on the circumstances at the time. While before I have been able to give generously, unfortunately, times have changed

My friend is getting married in a couple of months and I've spoken to her and her fiance and they are aware of my circumstances. Its going to be a case of 150 from me and the person im bringing (combined). If I could give more, then I would in a heart beat but she understands and is genuinely fine with it.

If I felt that she, or anyone felt that I would be as well off to just not go or that the gift was not enough, then I would have no qualms in letting them know what I thought of them and their attitude. I would find it unimaginably rude, condescending and nasty to make me or anyone feel unwanted or less significant due to a gift that I give. :eek: Guess it's a good job I have fantastic, understanding friends who will not give out about me (or my gift)

iguana · 16-01-2011 08:24PM

Common as... wrote: »

overnight stay in hotel £50 euro
petrol up and down £50
gift(cash in card:mad:) £150
day drinking £100

Don't stay in the hotel, limit your drinking to a glass or two of wine at dinner, then drive home later on. That's €150 saved. Only give the gift you can afford, it's a gift, not the purchase of a ticket, it's up to you to choose what to give. That's more saved. Your girlfriend doesn't need to have huge expenses, I'm sure she already has a nice dress, she doesn't need a new one. Surely she can do her own hair and make-up?

I have a bunch of "wedding suitable" dresses that I bought on ebay for about €10-25 each. Whenever I have a wedding to attend I work out which one to wear depending on the weather/what one I wore last time someone in that group got married. So that costs me nothing at the time of the weddings. The last few I went to I decided to go home that night and only had a few drinks. I paid for nothing but the transport and the gift. And my personal policy is to only go abroad/across country for a wedding if the B&G have a legitimate reason for getting married there. Ie, if they live away and are getting married in their current local area or if they are going back to their/one of their home areas. If they are getting married abroad to save money then that's sort of selfish, imo, as what they are actually doing is transferring the costs to their guests who will have to pay a fortune for the trip.

Common as... wrote: »

(got outta the stag, made up some bulsh#t excuse, it was to U.K = £400)

Don't make up an excuse for the stag, say out right that you can't afford it. If enough people say that when the idea of a trip is first proposed the groom and best man will soon get the message and either just have a night out locally or do both.

In fact when you first heard that the wedding was going to be in some far off hotel, I see no harm in saying that you have had to accept that you can't afford hotel stays for weddings and while you will go, you will be leaving early in order to get yourself home that night. Again if enough people said that to the B&G, it would go back to being common that people have their wedding in a local venue. It might be too late for that particular wedding as deposits may have been paid but at least the next couple to get engaged would bear it in mind.

rantyface · 16-01-2011 09:36PM

Common as... wrote: »

What do people on here think about having to go to weddings and how much it costs?

I had to go 5 weddings (3 stags) last year, it cost me a small fortune and I had hate fooking things.
Got another invite in the door yesterday and its the kinda thing that unless you have a really good excuse, you have to go or risk alienating a friend for ever more.

So without ever counting my gf's expenses guess what this means to me:
overnight stay in hotel £50 euro
petrol up and down £50
gift(cash in card:mad:) £150
day drinking £100

(got outta the stag, made up some bulsh#t excuse, it was to U.K = £400)

Thats 350 euro I dont have and the thing is,I have a Job what about the those who don't have a job, gettin an invite must be a black day

So to anyone who is now planning a big wedding I can assure that unless you are inviting very close friends and family most people don't really wanna go especially those who are in low paid jobs or unemployed

Our attic is full of my parents' and siblings' wedding presents.We give them to other people as wedding presents and I'm sure that's what other people do too. Nobody has room for vases and serving dishes, crap art etc.
I also never get new clothes for weddings and I don't drink much. I don't think I've spent more than €50 on a wedding. The mass is the important part, the rest is just social convention which you can ignore.

16-01-2011 10:57PM

bluewolf wrote: »

Are you mad

About the money? Well I suppose it depends on how close you are but I know a friend that got married about 3 years was getting sums like 500 euro in some cards and as far as I know 150 or 200 euro was the minimum sort of sum in the cards.

16-01-2011 11:06PM

Quincy Melted Toucan wrote: »

About the money? Well I suppose it depends on how close you are but I know a friend that got married about 3 years was getting sums like 500 euro in some cards and as far as I know 150 or 200 euro was the minimum sort of sum in the cards.

One friend getting ridiculous amounts during celtic tiger and it's an "unwritten rule" as a minimum in a recession? Eh no

Kelda09 · 16-01-2011 11:20PM

bluewolf wrote: »

One friend getting ridiculous amounts during celtic tiger and it's an "unwritten rule" as a minimum in a recession? Eh no

Yep I agree, things are a hell of a lot different now than they were 3 years ago! The majority of us could afford a lot more back then. Things have changed and anyone who plans a wedding expecting the same amount of money as gifts really does need to look at things again!

Common as... · 16-01-2011 11:21PM

rantyface wrote: »

Our attic is full of my parents' and siblings' wedding presents.We give them to other people as wedding presents and I'm sure that's what other people do too.

You're wrong, what other people do is put a large wad of cash in a 2euro wedding card, how else do you think the B&G could afford all that expensive Bullsh#t that goes on over the course of the day.
Like I said I don't agree with this but always feel like i've a Gun to my head.

CoalBucket · 16-01-2011 11:28PM

Common as... wrote: »

If I enjoyed them id say fair enough and yes if im pissed i'll enjoy the last few hours but id enjoy lying at the side of ditch in the rain if I was pissed

~Don't like getting dressed up
~Don't like wearing a suit
~Don't like driving half-way cross the country to get to the church
~Don't like fighting with gf about not being getting there on time
~Don't like sitting in the church
~Don't like religion
~Don't like starting drinking in the middle of day and yes! you have to
~Hate the speeches (can't relax or something)
~Hate the meal no matter whats served cos I hate the speeches so much
~Don't like the music
~Don't like the dancing
~Like the last few hours when im pissed
~Don't like the hangover:P

So Im a real "Bucket of Laughs" aren't I

We were seperated at birth

bhovaspack · 16-01-2011 11:47PM

The idea that your guests should contribute to the cost of the wedding also seems strange to me, but unfortunately it seems to be part of the internal, unspoken logic of how this particular aspect of Irish life works (at least in most circles).

I suppose it's kind of like a version of buying rounds, but instead of people taking turns to buy everyone a drink, people take turns at being the centre of attention and receiving loads of free stuff from everyone else.

Pretty unfair if you don't plan to get married, though.

Catari Jaguar · 16-01-2011 11:49PM

Sink The Banana wrote: »

I have to agree ,I was at 3 weddings last year ,my sisters cost me 2,500 ,my mates cost me 1,500 and my brother in law's cost me 1,500.I have 2 kids that needed clothes for the wedding ,my missus and her new outfits and then the hair do's for her and the kids.Plus the accomodation.

That's not the B&Gs fault, that's yours. New haircuts & clothes... you're not the bride. You're just a guest. How can you even spend that much? Designer kids wear?! Wear anything respectable and show up with €50 in a nice card. Lovely. The kids can stay home. Who wants kids at a wedding anyways?

dory wrote: »

I hate this mentality though that we're as guests meant to pay for their wedding. I wouldn't expect anyone to pay for my birthday party, or child's Christening - so why wedding?? It only serves to make people hate them more.

But would you expect to go to a person's birthday dinner and have them pay for everyone's meal? Then say "I didn't bring you a gift - I'm here it should be gift enough and I couldn't afford it anyways because I had to get my hair done, and pay for all this booze and a taxi home"? Usually the guests chip in to pay for the birthday meal.

I would love to invite everyone I care about to my wedding, and make it a big family party. I'm not showy, and hate attention but would love to have everyone there enjoying themselves. Except I can't afford €50 for everyone's dinner, plus the cost of invitations & RSVP cards, favours, glass of champagne for the toast, afters buffet etc... I have to cut people out, and they'll probably be offended and feel left out

Is it not very rude to expect all that off the B & G and give nothing in return because you have no cash left after the manicure & fake tan you just had to have....

Just to add... in Greek & Turkish (& Jewish??) weddings they pin money to the Bride's dress. No kicking up a fuss there. Scabby ****ers over here.

dory · 16-01-2011 11:57PM

bhovaspack wrote: »

I suppose it's kind of like a version of buying rounds, but instead of people taking turns to buy everyone a drink, people take turns at being the centre of attention and receiving loads of free stuff from everyone else.

Pretty unfair if you don't plan to get married, though.

You got it spot on there. Would be lovely if people could just be self-sufficient.

cherub rock wrote: »

But would you expect to go to a person's birthday dinner and have them pay for everyone's meal? Then say "I didn't bring you a gift - I'm here it should be gift enough and I couldn't afford it anyways because I had to get my hair done, and pay for all this booze and a taxi home"? Usually the guests chip in to pay for the birthday meal.

I would love to invite everyone I care about to my wedding, and make it a big family party. I'm not showy, and hate attention but would love to have everyone there enjoying themselves. Except I can't afford €50 for everyone's dinner, plus the cost of invitations & RSVP cards, favours, glass of champagne for the toast, afters buffet etc...

At a birthday dinner I would pay my share of the bill. As for a wedding I would have no problem paying the cost of a meal. But the meal does not cost €150. I have a problem paying for whatever extras they want.

You can see from the way the thread is going cherub; people just do not want to subsidize weddings any more. So you now know, if you go and do all that what you can't afford, there will be a good chunk of your people there not entirely happy. You can easily do something within a small budget that would be personal and fun for everyone.

iguana · 17-01-2011 12:17AM

cherub rock wrote: »

Except I can't afford €50 for everyone's dinner, plus the cost of invitations & RSVP cards, favours, glass of champagne for the toast, afters buffet etc... I have to cut people out, and they'll probably be offended and feel left out

So don't have all of that crap, a wedding without all of those trappings results in a couple who are just as married. All a wedding needs to be is a celebration of the beginning of a marriage.

Tonyandthewhale · 17-01-2011 12:36AM

cherub rock wrote: »

Is it not very rude to expect all that off the B & G and give nothing in return

Speaking as someone who hates weddings I'd like to point out that I don't expect anything from the bride and groom.
I don't expect to have to take a day off work or college to go to some self-indulgent celebration of excess and tedium.
I don't expect to have to go to mass and wait around the church for an hour or two afterwards while they take stupid pictures.
I don't expect to have to sit through boring and innane speeches given by people I don't care about who have nothing to say.
I don't feel entitled to a crappy free meal of chicken or fish with maybe an oul volet vaunt thrown in. I'd rather pay myself for a decent meal from a decent menu.
I don't expect to have to hang around into the wee hours of the morning drinking with someone else's boorish relatives (especially since I'm not really a drinker myself).
I don't expect to have to spend a night in a hotel on the other side of the country because the bride and groom didn't think it would be a good idea to get married within a hundred miles of where any of their guests live.
I don't expect all that from the bride and groom, in fact I patently don't want it, so why should I have to pay for it when it's already going to have to cost me as well as lost earning and all the time wasted.

Also, just because it's customary in Greece and Turkey to pin money to the bride's dress doesn't mean people want to give away their money, it's just a tradition like the 100e in a card that's traditional in Irish weddings. And as we all know it can be hard to get out of traditions. Having said that though I can't imagine Greek or Turkish weddings are as dull, drawn out, excessive and cliched as Irish ones are.

JupiterKid · 17-01-2011 02:22AM

mrsdewinter wrote: »

Vases, bottles of prosecco... Remind me never to invite you peeps to my wedding.

What a selfish, nasty and shallow attitude to take.:mad:

I have been to many weddings - some lavish, others more low key - of close friends over the past few years and have given gifts but at least my friends had the good taste not to do up expensive and outrageous lists of gifts to give or worse still, look for big sums of cash to defray the costs of the event. A friend of mine told me of a wedding of a relative where the invitation had the vulgarity to actually request a minimum value for each wedding present and instructions for women guests not to wear certain dresses. Unbelievably obnoxious!

No-one forces people to have extravagant weddings. I suspect a lot of this crap comes from the bride(zilla) herself, who has been fed an unrealistic image growing up of having to have her "perfect day" in a fairytale setting and if the slightest thing is askew then it's tantrum time.:rolleyes:

Last year I crafted a vase for a friend as a wedding gift (I do ceramics as a hobby) and she was genuinely thrilled with it. If she had told me she's have preferred €300 in a card instead, she wouldn't have remained a friend for very long.

People need to get real and be grateful of their guests' company, let alone getting wedding presents.

shinikins · 17-01-2011 05:06AM

No wonder why the country is in a state, fools playing above there pay grades and crying when someone else doesn't bail them out. I'd happily give a friend 1k cash if they were in need but expecting me to fork out 150 as a gift....a back hander is what you deserve.

Luckily none of my friends are that shallow.

Skid · 17-01-2011 05:49AM

francie82 wrote: »

say u have a cousins weddin and post dem on 100 euro.....

This expectation that you should send a present even if you can't go gets me. I don't mind buying a present if you are going, it's only fair.

But if you get invited to two weddings on the same week, you have to spend a small fortune going to one AND cough up for the one you won't be going to.

Not to mention engagement parties, stag nights/weekends, buying and cleaning suits ... :mad:

bhovaspack · 17-01-2011 07:17AM

What is called for is a new orthodoxy of weddings in Ireland.

1. Smaller, more modest venues. Local pubs, parish halls, gardens. This is how it generally is done in the UK, at far lower cost and with less expectations of glamour and grandeur.

2. Close friends and immediate family only.

3. Abolition of the automatic "plus one" racket (unless the OH in question is a close friend too). It's ludicrous that people should have a whole section of people at their wedding that they've barely met. Also ludicrous to assume that people can't get by without having their partner by their side at every social event.

4. Stay local.

5. Dress smart-casual.

6. No wedding list, presents on a discretionary basis. Even the smallest token appreciated. Most weddings will include guests ranging from the unemployed to the well-heeled, and nobody should be made to feel like they need to make massive financial sacrifices to be with a friend on their big day.

6. Obviously, all of the above can be discarded and it is up to the couple (and guests) how they want to do things. The point is that as things currently stand it is often considered strange or even stingy and insulting not to conform to expectations. The expectations are what need to dismantled.

Lapin · 17-01-2011 07:32AM

policarp wrote: »

Think that's bad?

Supposing you had 9 or 10 daughters, then you'd be saving all your life to be broke...

Should have asked for a TV on your wedding list.

mayhemnow · 17-01-2011 11:16AM

coffeenuts wrote: »

Have you people got married recently? No I didnt think so.

The bride and groom who have invited you to a very special day in their lives will have spent around 75 per person for dinner and god knows how much more on the rest of the wedding.

150 is the going rate for a present simple as that. Anything less is just scabby and you would be better making your excuses and stayin home as your costing them money by going.

Crass doesn't even being to describe this

meg3178 · 17-01-2011 01:02PM

just give what you can afford, nowadays people know the money's not there anymore. 150 euro is too much unless you can afford that.

Dudess · 17-01-2011 01:11PM

coffeenuts wrote: »

Have you people got married recently? No I didnt think so.

Um... you asked a question, then answered it yourself with a presumption. Maybe let people answer? A lavish wedding is a choice, not an obligation - I can't see why people here wouldn't have married recently, although I don't see what relevance being married recently should have. Not everyone is most concerned about the spectacle.

The bride and groom who have invited you to a very special day in their lives will have spent around 75 per person for dinner and god knows how much more on the rest of the wedding.

And they don't have to do any of it.

150 is the going rate for a present simple as that.

No it isn't.

Anything less is just scabby and you would be better making your excuses and stayin home as your costing them money by going.

What if a good friend can't afford it? Your attitude is repulsive. Bridezillatastic. Some of the competitiveness of Irish weddings and what have become wedding "norms" and the way it's felt they HAVE to be complied with, despite how utterly ludicrous they are (not just from the marrying couple but guests too) is fucking hilarious.

Some of the expenses are self inflicted all right though - if you're of the "Oh my god I can't wear the same outfit to two weddings because I am that important people will notice me before the bride and groom" persuasion, then you deserve all the brokeness you get...

mikemac · 17-01-2011 01:14PM

Cash is forgotten

A tasteful gift will not. I like the posts on the poster who makes ceramics and the other on a framed print.
The couple will have these for years and see them every day.

If you're going to give a gift make it a great one that will last for years and years

No imagination in cash at all and the couple will forget it

Dudess · 17-01-2011 01:30PM

bhovaspack wrote: »

Abolition of the automatic "plus one" racket (unless the OH in question is a close friend too). It's ludicrous that people should have a whole section of people at their wedding that they've barely met. Also ludicrous to assume that people can't get by without having their partner by their side at every social event.

+1 :pac:

Although some people are pathetically needy enough to NOT be able to get by without a +1. Now in fairness, I think it's only reasonable if they're at a wedding where they barely know anyone besides the bride/groom that it's ok for them to bring a guest. And I also don't see anything wrong with someone bringing their long-term partner even if the marrying couple don't know him/her that well. It's this crap of bringing someone you started going out with 10 days beforehand to a wedding where you know loads of people anyway, simply because "it's the thing you're supposed to do" that I find baffling. The guest might not even want to be there, and the marrying couple should put their foot down and say "No, we don't know him/her - you barely know him/her, no need for them to be at our wedding".

In fairness, a lot of people getting married probably find it easier to tick a lot of those stupid boxes than to have to put up with the hassle for not doing so.

seamus · 17-01-2011 02:12PM

Jaysus I love weddings, I dunno what you're all on about. A wedding when you're part of the wedding party isn't always great craic cos you've to go and do photos and all that other nonsense. When you're just a guest though it's great craic.

I just treat it as a holiday, nice room booked in a nice hotel. Get there early in the day, or the day before. Excuse to wear a suit. Rock up to the church, sit near the back, daydream for an hour. Back to the hotel, grab a coffee and a sandwich, then a nice pint of Guinness or three while chatting to family or to people you haven't seen in months/years.
Into the hall for dinner, still having the craic. Lash into the free wine, enjoy a bit of dinner. Make sure you're half-pissed during the speeches and you'll laugh even when you don't get the in-jokes. By the end of dinner you're 75% cut, onto the dance floor for some cheesy drunken dancing, into the lounge with a pint of guinness to rest and chat to people, then back to the dance floor for rocking out when the DJ plays "Highway to Hell" or something.
Roll into bed @ 4am, then up again at 9.55am to make it for a big dirty, greasy breakfast and more chatting and laughing about the night before.

You'd have to be an awfully dry bastard to hate weddings. Even weddings where it was just me and the wife, we managed to find people to chat to and have the craic with.

And presents? Give what you can afford. Students? Buy something thoughtful for €20. No, really. If you're not going, don't send a present unless you want to. You don't have to. Forget about the "what will they think" nonsense. Sure if you're not bothered enough to go to the wedding, why do you give a crap what they think?

If a wedding is more than 70/80 guest you should do the decent thing and make on the invite no wedding gifts

That makes no sense, really. You could easily have more than 70 or 80 "close" guests, especially at an irish wedding when you have 5 aunts/uncles on each side with five kids each with a spouse. The numbers add up very, very quickly.
In any case, most people want to give a gift, so even if you said, "We don't need gifts, thank you", 90% of your guests will bring one. There's no point in looking a gift horse in the mouth - let people bring you gifts and thank them for it. You'd be an idiot to tell people that you don't want gifts from them.

bhovaspack · 17-01-2011 02:48PM

Dudess wrote: »

In fairness, a lot of people getting married probably find it easier to tick a lot of those stupid boxes than to have to put up with the hassle for not doing so.

This is very true. I got married in the past six months and found myself complying with a lot of the silly wedding norms that I would previously have sneered at, and for precisely the reason you mention - to avoid hassle and to keep everything cordial. Sure, I might still rant about wedding etiquette, but when it came to my own I didn't want to do anything too "experimental".

Someone told me that deciding who to invite is the most stressful part of getting married and, in my case anyway, they were dead right.

Broke from weddings

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