If you owned your own pub

godscop · 05-01-2011 11:37AM #1

1. What would you call it?

2. What "special features" would you make sure it had?

1. No chavs inn

2. A free dukebox with "classic" albums on.

FatherLen · 05-01-2011 11:41AM

i have often wondered about this. i dunno what i would call it but the special feature would be an award system. ie. if you drink five pints you get a free t-shirt or mug etc. with the pubs logo on it.

prinz · 05-01-2011 11:41AM

An earldispenser in the jacks.

rollout · 05-01-2011 11:42AM

godscop wrote: »

2. A free dukebox with "classic" albums on.

Is that somewhere to keep a member of the british aristocracy?

Minstrel27 · 05-01-2011 11:43AM

rollout wrote: »

Is that somewhere to keep a member of the british aristocracy?

lol

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 05-01-2011 11:45AM

Leather couches and those barstool things, serving alcohol-based drinks (wines, beers and spirits) and maybe some piped chart music in the background and a bigscreen TV for the footie?

FatherLen · 05-01-2011 11:46AM

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

Leather couches and those barstool things, serving alcohol-based drinks (wines, beers and spirits) and maybe some piped chart music in the background and a bigscreen TV for the footie?

i see what ya did there

punchdrunk · 05-01-2011 11:46AM

"The mop & Bucket"

we wouldn't stock WKD or redbull,in an effort to keep Gob****es at bay
(okay we might have some redbull hidden away but idiots ordering quadruple vodka and redbull's would be told otherwise

we would however have an amazing selection of Beers,whiskeys/Bourbons/rums etc

we wouldn't try and give you some Huzzar & aldi cola when you were expecting a "smirnoff & Coke"

and we'd play everything from the Beastie Boys to Creedence....

enda1 · 05-01-2011 11:46AM

A descent selection of beers including guest beers and promotions such as loyalty cards, buy 3 get fourth free etc.

A menu of the drinks.

Do cocktails not just shorts and mixers.

Little/no music, no tele.

Cask beer, craft beers, good wine selection by the glass/bottle/carafe.

Tapas.

ElleEm · 05-01-2011 11:47AM

On the call of last orders, people could buy chips/ kebabs/ whatever from the bar and get straight onto a special bus to bring them home

irishash · 05-01-2011 11:50AM

1. F.U.B.A.R

2. A round/oval central bar area, no couches (hate those in pubs), and in a back room area, a pool table, pinball machine and classic arcade games.

kincsem · 05-01-2011 12:04PM

godscop wrote: »

1. What would you call it?
2. What "special features" would you make sure it had?

1. Dunnes / Maloneys / Byrnes
None of the "Scalded Badger", "Red Horse", Wounded Monkey" fakery.

2. The jacks would be a very long walk from the bar, and not with a door to the bar area. Preferably with a number of self-closing doors between the two.
A short counter with a deep work area behind it. I don't like a long counter with one or two barmen serving one end only.
A mix of alcove seating, small tables, and bar stools. Some open floor so people can move from area to area.

ronaneire · 05-01-2011 12:05PM

.... I wouldn't be sitting here posting on boards

MajorMax · 05-01-2011 12:07PM

I'd steal the name from Terry Pratchett's Discworld
"The Broken Drum.....You can't beat it!"

My special feature would be a toasted special Sangwich with Hang, Chaise, Tomata and ogion

NO STUDENTS

jimthemental · 05-01-2011 12:09PM

1. Bar would have to be in my family name or else something original and funny.
FUBAR is excellent.

2. Pub would be in a rural style no matter where I'd put it. Would have the projector screen and that for matches plus at least two dartboards and pool tables. Jukebox and a good beer selection and also quality spirits, no alcopops. A regular likable and relatively well paid barstaff can be worth more than a Michelin star to a pub/restaurant in Ireland so that would be essential. Oh and an open hearth turf fire:)

epgc3fyqirnbsx · 05-01-2011 12:09PM

It would be called The Furry Cup

It would have a big pot of stew and good crusty bread that hungry patrons could tuck into for soakage. And it would have fantastic Guiness with the barrells directly beneath the taps
And it would have those cool Dyson hand driers in the jacks

gurramok · 05-01-2011 12:09PM

If I owned a pub, I would do my utmost not to be a member of the LVA in Dublin and will do my best to compete with that cartel by not trying to gouge my customers on price.

Adam · 05-01-2011 12:11PM

dont bother, it takes over your life!

veryangryman · 05-01-2011 12:25PM

I would call my pub "The Assass Inn"

With two pictures of hairy arses as the logo outside the bar, i would then include the following...

1. I would nominate bouncers to ensure that the ratio of guys to dolls never falls below 1 girl to 1 guy (exceptions for Football)
2. I would bar anyone with a rugby jersey or D4 accent. Anyone with both gets a polite but firm slap on the face from the bouncer for first offence. Beyond that i let the bouncer decide what to do.
3. Dartboard a must
4. Pool table a must
5. Jukebox a must. All music types catered for (you got to keep the skirt inside somehow)
6. Barman allowed to bar anyone for any reason at any time
7. Pints priced at basically the same rate as anywhere else, but do some sort of "double the difference back" if they find a cheaper pub. Nobody would do this over 10c and yet it will attract good publicity
8. Claim to be the oldest bar in Ireland to get free publicity
9. Call every other barman bastards in the press
10. Make the toilets bollokcs proof (how im not sure yet but well get there)

ottostreet · 05-01-2011 12:29PM

All these 'nice' pubs exist. But they don't do all that well financially.

Why? Because people are ****ing eejits and will go to the tightly packed cattle marts that serve ****e pints, play music too loud, and don't give a damn about the customers, just how much money is brought in.

And that's exactly what would happen to your pubs when you realise that's where the money is.

chris_ie · 05-01-2011 12:32PM

Why not call it the "The Gym", "Home", "Dunno" something like that :P

"Where you going? Ah just down to The Gym/Home"

"Where you going tonight? Dunno"

Dyr · 05-01-2011 12:35PM

I'd serve coddle or stew. Possibly free with the third pint.

veryangryman · 05-01-2011 12:35PM

chris_ie wrote: »

Why not call it the "The Gym", "Home", "Dunno" something like that :P

"Where you going? Ah just down to The Gym/Home"

"Where you going tonight? Dunno"

Club in England called "Bed". Beat ya to it

05-01-2011 12:37PM

I don't know what I'd call it, but I'd have fairly quiet music, no tv, a few of those game machines like "who wants to be a millionaire" or whatever, maybe a pool table. Would also serve food.

keano_afc · 05-01-2011 12:38PM

I'd call mine "Tracksuit? You're not getting Inn"

It would have a great selection of beers and ales, and at least 2 taps pumping out London Pride at a nice cold temperature. There'd be a big tv, but only in one room, along with the pool table. Good rustic Irish food on offer, no flat rolls (or paninis, I believe they're called) or 17 different types of coffee. Guinness lines would be cleaned twice a day to ensure good quality.

Loads more but that'll do for starters.

veryangryman · 05-01-2011 12:39PM

Bambi wrote: »

I'd serve coddle or stew. Possibly free with the third pint.

Ah yeah you gotta do the free finger food thing. Id offer to anyone thats there longer than an hour. Sossies and Chips (heavily salted of course to keep the thirst going) is a real winner from my experience and costs feck all to make and serve

kfallon · 05-01-2011 12:41PM

I'd call it "Kieren Fallon's Jockstrap" and we'd have racing on one designated tv all day!

No students allowed and no poker/quiz machines!

Pool table and dart board is a must!
Prob a weekly table quiz too, not too serious, just something for people to have a bit of craic at!

Dyr · 05-01-2011 12:42PM

veryangryman wrote: »

Ah yeah you gotta do the free finger food thing. Id offer to anyone thats there longer than an hour. Sossies and Chips (heavily salted of course to keep the thirst going) is a real winner from my experience and costs feck all to make and serve

not sure how coddle and stew will work as finger food though...

abouttobebanned · 05-01-2011 12:45PM

ottostreet wrote: »

All these 'nice' pubs exist. But they don't do all that well financially.

Why? Because people are ****ing eejits and will go to the tightly packed cattle marts that serve ****e pints, play music too loud, and don't give a damn about the customers, just how much money is brought in.

And that's exactly what would happen to your pubs when you realise that's where the money is.

This is all you need to read.

Everyone has an opinion about how a pub should be run. Just about every opinion I've read here so far will be a pub that would be out of business in 6 months.

I'd have a free Jukebox in the corner. Really? So, it's sunday evening and people are enjoying a nice relaxing pint. Oops...here comes Metallica. Or Boston, followed by Starship. uh oh...people are leaving.

No Chavs inn. Terrible name. Oh and you'll need security to enforce that rule by the way. Time to make out your budget.

Actually...I'm clearly taking this thread too seriously.

Sanjuro · 05-01-2011 12:46PM

1. The Swan and Pedo

2. A washing machine in the middle of the pub, and only organic scrumpy on tap.

[/superhans]

Biggins · 05-01-2011 12:48PM

godscop wrote: »

1. What would you call it?

2. What "special features" would you make sure it had?

1. No chavs inn

2. A free dukebox with "classic" albums on.

The answer to that question would depend on the size.
Assuming that space and a number of sections was not a problem, I would at least try the following:

1. Have a small communal area in which all could enjoy each others open company.

2. Have a section of the property that was designed into small 2/3 person snugs

3. Have an area (maybe not the more communal area) where the volume is turned down more so via volumed speakers.

4. Have one complete room turned into a high-tec gaming room (with standard pub tables and chairs too).
Example: have an X-box and/or Playstation rigged up that if you deposited a Euro in a box (maybe part proceeds could go to charity?), you get 15/20 minutes of play time. The actual set-up for solo/multi players to play on would be via large wall screens what could be visibly seen by others accompanying you as you played against each other. The rest cheering each other on.
In the same room could be the standard dart board/pool table/jukebox.
(Security for the room could also be done via internal corner cameras with a monitor at the main bar outside and/or in the managers office)

5. Bar food is a must. However there would have to be a choice of hot and cold, not just overpriced small tubs of hot roasted nuts and cold sandwiches!

6. The door policy would be CLEARLY displayed at the entrance. No ifs or buts. That way if a doorman has a chip on his/her shoulder about a certain person (for some personal gripe) wanting in but is refused, they can refer to the said door policy. If the person meets the stated requirements, they are fully entitled to enter otherwise they can appeal direct to the manager of the day - who MUST attend to explain why the door rules are being ignored by him or his agent at the door!

The display of the door policy would also stand the security in better stead for if any of the conditions are not met clearly by an incoming visitor, there can be no hard question as to allow right of access.

Thats just a few mad quick thoughts.

If you owned your own pub

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