In love with a gay girl...

Zodiac2000 · 10-10-2010 07:51PM #1

Just moved abroad on my own and met this girl who also had moved abroad on her own. Being hanging out 3/4 times and getting on famously well - i was thinking about marrying her! Slight exaggeration but i was thrilled to have met her. Had not being that comfortable with a girl in 7/8 years.

Then we are out Friday night and she just drops into conversation that she is gay - heartbroken. Kept feigning getting phone calls for the next two hours just to deal with news. Surprised she didn't me this news earlier - think it might be due to one of two reasons

(1) Not that comfortable with being gay

(2) Might have known i liked and thought i would abandon her as a buddy as i knew things were never going to develop (this thought did cross my mind when she told me - was contemplating just calling it an early night and going home)

Anyone being in a similar situation? Any point in me continuing to hang out with her? I'd hate to abandon her, but this could wreck my hea hanging out with her! I did meet her yesterday again to hang out and we had a great time. This is great for her as she has just made a new buddy, but not so good for me!

Anyone got any thoughts on the above situation? Not sure what im looking to hear really but im frustrated, abroad alone and can't really talk to anyone about it. I have friends here but im not sure my new found love would appreciate me telling them she is gay.

She is perfect for me..besides being gay!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chuchoter · 10-10-2010 08:29PM

Thats a rather **** situation! Having been in something similar with a straight best friend, don't pursue it. Its kind of hard even to be friends tbh, but if you really like her as a friend then you can make it work.

Zodiac2000 · 10-10-2010 08:46PM

I hear you, but i still really enjoy her company and would it not be cruel to simply cut someone out of your life due to the fact they are gay? Although its more to do with the fact she is gay and i have feelings for her.

It's just got me thinking about being gay and what she may or may not have to go through. I could be wrong, but i get the feeling she is not super comfortable being gay. I'd love to know why it took her so long to tell me, although again of course she is hardly obliged to tell me her sexuality.

She has just moved here on her own and it would be a nasty thing to just ignore her texts/phonecalls.

Yesterday as i was getting dressed, i was thinking i better put on something nice as im meeting her. SURE OF COURSE IT DOESN'T FU*KING MATTER WHAT IM WEARING OR DOES MY HAIR LOOK COOL TODAY!! HAVE I GOT THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF GEL IN MY HAIR OR IS THAT TOO MUCH?! It never will matter.

Already i kind of worried about her - is she ok being gay? Has she accepted it? Has she cried a lot over being gay? This shows i already care and tis ridiculous/pointless.

Frustrated straight man!

Chuchoter · 10-10-2010 09:07PM

In all likelihood she's very comfortable in being gay and it simply slipped her mind to say it to you, or she just wanted to make sure you weren't a mega catholic who would try to kill her if she told you! :P

I'm not saying don't be friends, if you can be friends BE FRIENDS! I just found it really difficult to stay friends with the girl I liked because not only was she not into me she was actually kind of scared of me when she found out I was gay (not that I liked her). Its just hard to be around someone you can't have,ever,no matter what you do. I still dress nice when I'm going to see her, even though it'd make a fat lot of difference!

baby and crumble · 10-10-2010 09:50PM

Zodiac2000 wrote:

Surprised she didn't me this news earlier - think it might be due to one of two reasons

(1) Not that comfortable with being gay

(2) Might have known i liked and thought i would abandon her as a buddy as i knew things were never going to develop (this thought did cross my mind when she told me - was contemplating just calling it an early night and going home)

Option 3) She's very comfortable with who she is and doesn't feel the need to preface every new friendship with "Hi I'm X and I'm a lesbian"

My advice would be to treat it like instead of telling you that she's gay, she told you she's married, and her husband is back home. Would you still ditch her? It's pretty much the same situation, because she's just as unavailable. It sucks liking someone who's not into you, but if you like her as a person, then it'd be a bit silly to abandon what could be a fantastic friendship, really.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 01:23AM

zoegh wrote: »

Option 3) She's very comfortable with who she is and doesn't feel the need to preface every new friendship with "Hi I'm X and I'm a lesbian"

My advice would be to treat it like instead of telling you that she's gay, she told you she's married, and her husband is back home. Would you still ditch her? It's pretty much the same situation, because she's just as unavailable. It sucks liking someone who's not into you, but if you like her as a person, then it'd be a bit silly to abandon what could be a fantastic friendship, really.

I don't think it is option 3 as im just not sure she is comfortable with being gay. She said she is not comfortable being in gay pubs and also when she speaks of like falling in love and stuff, she always uses the word 'person' rather than 'girl'.

Regarding the second paragraph if she was married i would be thinking there is 5% chance being totally honest with you - I'd probably be thinking maybe she might leave her husband and dream on like that. At least i'd have something to clutch onto. Her being gay really shuts the door!

She just rang asking me to go out to the cinema tonight - big smile goes up on face, as obviously it's great this girl i like wants to see me for the fourth day in a row and wants to go to the cineam with me! Then i have to check myself again. I'd never hang out with a girl 4 days in a row - except for this one.

Anyway i'll have to review this situation during the week - this might just be too tormenting but can't really be a prick and just start ignoring her either.AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 01:31AM

crayolastereo wrote: »

In all likelihood she's very comfortable in being gay and it simply slipped her mind to say it to you, or she just wanted to make sure you weren't a mega catholic who would try to kill her if she told you! :P

I'm not saying don't be friends, if you can be friends BE FRIENDS! I just found it really difficult to stay friends with the girl I liked because not only was she not into me she was actually kind of scared of me when she found out I was gay (not that I liked her). Its just hard to be around someone you can't have,ever,no matter what you do. I still dress nice when I'm going to see her, even though it'd make a fat lot of difference!

LOL.

Cavehill Red · 11-10-2010 01:35AM

Strikes me that she may not be gay, and may have simply said so to ensure that you don't make a move and destroy a beautiful friendship, OP?
In your position, I'd accept that she's off-limits romantically and move on, since either she is gay, or she's said so to put you off romantically. Either way, it's not going to happen.
But if you wanted to be sure, you could ask her about her previous relationships and when she came out. It would be a difficult thing to lie convincingly about, I imagine.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 01:48AM

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Strikes me that she may not be gay, and may have simply said so to ensure that you don't make a move and destroy a beautiful friendship, OP?
In your position, I'd accept that she's off-limits romantically and move on, since either she is gay, or she's said so to put you off romantically. Either way, it's not going to happen.
But if you wanted to be sure, you could ask her about her previous relationships and when she came out. It would be a difficult thing to lie convincingly about, I imagine.

Cheers! No she's definitely gay all right. I just get the feeling she is not comfortable with talking about it - that's her own business anyway. I'd never ask her about coming out or previous relationship, due to the fact that is her business and when or if she ever wants to tell me, she can.

Moving on is easier said than done. Can't just ignore her - you must also bear in mind she has just moved to new country on her own and it would be pretty bad form to end friendship. Plus i enjoy her company too. I wouldn't hang out with my best mate of 15 years as much as I'd hang out with her - this is very strange for me! I was thinking before she broke the news 'I can't believe I've moved to new country and met someone like this so soon, this is incredible'.

Anyway I'll have to think more about it.

Cavehill Red · 11-10-2010 01:50AM

Then you'll just have to bury all romantic thoughts about her and treat her as a friend from now on.
Otherwise, you'll have heartache ahead when she finds a partner.

electrobi · 11-10-2010 02:27AM

Zodiac2000 wrote: »

I don't think it is option 3 as im just not sure she is comfortable with being gay. She said she is not comfortable being in gay pubs

Regarding the second paragraph if she was married i would be thinking there is 5% chance being totally honest with you ![/QUOTE]

That's because gay bars are ****!

If there's one thing that irks me it's someone who will be a "friend" if there's a chance of more, but not a friend otherwise. It's just opportunist and frankly egotistical. Maybe if she was straight and married you *would* hang around but she might still shoot you down. She'd be right too. It seems to me she needs a friend and she seems to think shes found one in you.

Sorry if I appear harsh but that's how I see it.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 04:39AM

electrobi wrote: »

Zodiac2000 wrote: »

I don't think it is option 3 as im just not sure she is comfortable with being gay. She said she is not comfortable being in gay pubs

Regarding the second paragraph if she was married i would be thinking there is 5% chance being totally honest with you ![/QUOTE]

That's because gay bars are ****!

If there's one thing that irks me it's someone who will be a "friend" if there's a chance of more, but not a friend otherwise. It's just opportunist and frankly egotistical. Maybe if she was straight and married you *would* hang around but she might still shoot you down. She'd be right too. It seems to me she needs a friend and she seems to think shes found one in you.

Sorry if I appear harsh but that's how I see it.

The fact that she used the word 'uncomfortable' suggested it was more to do with her own comfortability being gay. Otherwise i feel she would have suggested they were crap, sh*t, etc.

Second paragraph is harsh! She has found a friend in me - its just on a personal level i might find it hard to continue being friends - i don't think that is being egotistical - i can't help it if i met this really cool girl that i like to hang out with - it happens bloody rarely so that is why im frustrated. Also your correct - if she was straight no guarantees anything would happen but at least there would be 5% chance.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 04:41AM

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Then you'll just have to bury all romantic thoughts about her and treat her as a friend from now on.
Otherwise, you'll have heartache ahead when she finds a partner.

Spot on - feel if i continue to hang out with her im only setting myself up for a fall. No doubt she will find a partner soon, suddenly we won't hang out that much and i will be on the sidelines like a fool!

foggy_lad · 11-10-2010 09:24AM

Be a friend to her but don't forget about your own needs though so that when she finds someone you will already have found someone or will be well on the way to finding someone special. It may not be easy though as it is clear that you already love this girl in a way she can't reciprocate.

If you want her friendship then you will have to work very hard to keep your emotions in check otherwise just end the friendship saying that you can't continue because of the feelings you have for her.

Dwn Wth Vwls · 11-10-2010 12:14PM

Have you considered telling her? Not so much the wanting to marry her part, but just that before she told you, you were developing a crush on her. Yes, it might make things a little bit awkward at first, but I think overall it will make things easier. It's very sobering to have someone tell you to your face that they will never be interested in you. She'll also understand why you're being awkward around her, because at the moment she might think it's because you're homophobic. You both need a friend, and your feelings are probably temporary, so it's a pity to ruin something that would benefit you both.

dory · 11-10-2010 05:53PM

I always use 'person' instead of girl too. It's just force of habit from being closeted for so long. Why does her being comfortable or not make a difference? You think if she's not then she might eventually like you? I'm not too comfortable in gay bars either. Still 100% gay.

And as for why she waited, I never tell people in the first few meetings. Don't know why. If they don't tell me they have a girlfriend/boyfriend then it's fairly strange just dropping it in. I did a few times and they were like...."ok....and?" Suddenly they think it's all you are if you mentioned it so fast!

Seems like this will not end well for you.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 07:03PM

foggy_lad wrote: »

Be a friend to her but don't forget about your own needs though so that when she finds someone you will already have found someone or will be well on the way to finding someone special. It may not be easy though as it is clear that you already love this girl in a way she can't reciprocate.

If you want her friendship then you will have to work very hard to keep your emotions in check otherwise just end the friendship saying that you can't continue because of the feelings you have for her.

Exactly - i need to take care of my own needs too. However i know what is going to happen - i will just compare every girl i meet to her - shes not as funny as Jenny, shes not as pretty as jenny, etc. Therefore i will not really be interested in them. Also i would rarely meet a girl that i could hang out with as much as Jenny.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 07:07PM

dory wrote: »

I always use 'person' instead of girl too. It's just force of habit from being closeted for so long. Why does her being comfortable or not make a difference? You think if she's not then she might eventually like you? I'm not too comfortable in gay bars either. Still 100% gay.

And as for why she waited, I never tell people in the first few meetings. Don't know why. If they don't tell me they have a girlfriend/boyfriend then it's fairly strange just dropping it in. I did a few times and they were like...."ok....and?" Suddenly they think it's all you are if you mentioned it so fast!

Seems like this will not end well for you.

It doesn't make a difference at all - i was just speculating as to why it took her so long to tell me. Of course she is not obliged too, but we did hang out a fair bit and i did mention previous relationships - the natural thing would have being to throw it out there. She either aint that comfortable or else didn't want me to dump her as a friend because i'd be thinking there is no point to friendship now as obviously things ain't going to progress.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 07:11PM

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

Have you considered telling her? Not so much the wanting to marry her part, but just that before she told you, you were developing a crush on her. Yes, it might make things a little bit awkward at first, but I think overall it will make things easier. It's very sobering to have someone tell you to your face that they will never be interested in you. She'll also understand why you're being awkward around her, because at the moment she might think it's because you're homophobic. You both need a friend, and your feelings are probably temporary, so it's a pity to ruin something that would benefit you both.

No, although you speak some wise words - pretty much what my Dad said - you could do with some friends in foreign country. TBH though im grand i pick up people easily enough really - I've done this whole being abroad alone malarky many times before - she has not.

I really don't need her to tell me she ain't interested - i have fully accepted that. I am not being awkward at all - i can see us developing into Will and Grace TBH already. I need to meet someone else clearly but I'll just keep comparing them to Jenny I'd imagine.

Dilbert75 · 11-10-2010 07:14PM

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

Have you considered telling her? Not so much the wanting to marry her part, but just that before she told you, you were developing a crush on her. Yes, it might make things a little bit awkward at first, but I think overall it will make things easier. It's very sobering to have someone tell you to your face that they will never be interested in you. She'll also understand why you're being awkward around her, because at the moment she might think it's because you're homophobic. You both need a friend, and your feelings are probably temporary, so it's a pity to ruin something that would benefit you both.

I'm legendary in my inability to discuss emotional matters with girls - but, that said, I think this is the best advice you've been given so far. She will probably have noticed that you are being awkward, she may well have noticed you swooning over her, she may well fear that her sexuality is pushing you away and you're too nice to say. She is who she is - once you get over that, it sounds to me like you've both got potentially excellent friends in each other.

Revolution9 · 11-10-2010 07:18PM

Zodiac2000 wrote: »

No, although you speak some wise words - pretty much what my Dad said - you could do with some friends in foreign country. TBH though im grand i pick up people easily enough really - I've done this whole being abroad alone malarky many times before - she has not.

I really don't need her to tell me she ain't interested - i have fully accepted that. I am not being awkward at all - i can see us developing into Will and Grace TBH already. I need to meet someone else clearly but I'll just keep comparing them to Jenny I'd imagine.

This thread is actually quite amusing, so no harm of that happening.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 07:30PM

Dilbert75 wrote: »

I'm legendary in my inability to discuss emotional matters with girls - but, that said, I think this is the best advice you've been given so far. She will probably have noticed that you are being awkward, she may well have noticed you swooning over her, she may well fear that her sexuality is pushing you away and you're too nice to say. She is who she is - once you get over that, it sounds to me like you've both got potentially excellent friends in each other.

I have not being one bit awkward with her, although the hour after she told me was quite comical - just kept on getting up from the table for pretend phonecalls. Looking back i feel a bit sorry for her - she clearly wasn't that comfortable telling me. I thought i was going to bolt though as i kind of wanted to be up early the next morning and i didn't think there would be much point in hanging about then!

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 07:31PM

Revolution9 wrote: »

This thread is actually quite amusing, so no harm of that happening.

Glad you find it amusing - i certainly don't!

Revolution9 · 11-10-2010 07:36PM

Zodiac2000 wrote: »

Glad you find it amusing - i certainly don't!

Sorry, I just couldn't spurn the chance to slag off Will and Grace

electrobi · 11-10-2010 08:13PM

Zodiac2000 wrote: »

electrobi wrote: »

The fact that she used the word 'uncomfortable' suggested it was more to do with her own comfortability being gay. Otherwise i feel she would have suggested they were crap, sh*t, etc.

Second paragraph is harsh! She has found a friend in me - its just on a personal level i might find it hard to continue being friends - i don't think that is being egotistical - i can't help it if i met this really cool girl that i like to hang out with - it happens bloody rarely so that is why im frustrated. Also your correct - if she was straight no guarantees anything would happen but at least there would be 5% chance.

I'm uncomfortable in gay bars. I'm not uncomfortable with a woman in my bed though. So understand there can be a difference.

Having feelings for friends is hard. But again if you're a "friend" you'll tough it out. If you can't handle it and would rather spare your own feelings, cut your losses. The truth is often harsh.

LegacyUser · 11-10-2010 08:13PM

I fall into the uncomfortable category, people have reacted badly in the past to my telling them I am gay, therefore I have left it out of my work life and some friendship circles. Women can be very cruel, sometimes it seems that straight women think along these lines - gay male friend= fun, dramatic, shopping buddy. Gay female friend = disgusting, pervert, will try it on with me first chance they get. She obviously trusts you alot, maybe over time you can learn to accept the relationship as it is and be left with a really great friend.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 09:00PM

electrobi wrote: »

Zodiac2000 wrote: »

I'm uncomfortable in gay bars. I'm not uncomfortable with a woman in my bed though. So understand there can be a difference.

Having feelings for friends is hard. But again if you're a "friend" you'll tough it out. If you can't handle it and would rather spare your own feelings, cut your losses. The truth is often harsh.

I get that - i just have a sneaky feeling she is not totally uncomfortable being gay - lets be honest - hardly the first gay person in the world not comfortable being gay - im hardly talking about something that is impossible! I believe there is a thread on this page about a girl hating being lesbien like!

Anyway I'll have to wait and see.

electrobi · 11-10-2010 09:12PM

Zodiac2000 wrote: »

electrobi wrote: »

I get that - i just have a sneaky feeling she is not totally uncomfortable being gay - lets be honest - hardly the first gay person in the world not comfortable being gay - im hardly talking about something that is impossible! I believe there is a thread on this page about a girl hating being lesbien like!

Anyway I'll have to wait and see.

Fair enough. It's just the reasons you've given don't necessarily depict discomfort, and that's all we have to go on. It seems you only want to hear answers you want to hear so best pay attention to those ones instead eh.

electrobi · 11-10-2010 09:15PM

ITT I come across as a "bitch".

Welp.

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 09:16PM

electrobi wrote: »

Zodiac2000 wrote: »

I'm uncomfortable in gay bars. I'm not uncomfortable with a woman in my bed though. So understand there can be a difference.

Having feelings for friends is hard. But again if you're a "friend" you'll tough it out. If you can't handle it and would rather spare your own feelings, cut your losses. The truth is often harsh.

electrobi wrote: »

Zodiac2000 wrote: »

Fair enough. It's just the reasons you've given don't necessarily depict discomfort, and that's all we have to go on. It seems you only want to hear answers you want to hear so best pay attention to those ones instead eh.

Fair enough - maybe im not explaining it that well! Tis more of a vibe really and that can be hard to explain on a chat forum. Tis all bloody irrelevant anyway. She is 100% gay and that's the bottom line - her level of comfort with it has no bearing on me.

Just need to decide what to do next!

Zodiac2000 · 11-10-2010 09:16PM

electrobi wrote: »

ITT I come across as a "bitch".

Welp.

Huh???

In love with a gay girl...

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